september mama

something amazing just happened to me.

all through college, i used to have frequent moments of this deep awareness of synchronicity in all aspects of my life; it was a constant presence of "ah" and relating one thing to the next with ease and obviousness, and it made for a very peaceful and blissful existence. somewhere that sense was buried and became harder to see, though it never disappeared...

i have spent this morning searching out websites in a string of subjects starting with childbirth education classes to hypnobirth to conscious creation and after browsing so many sites, was lead to make a silly google search of "how to be a goddess." after a few stupid sites, i found one that seemed pretty neat, so i clicked through it, read a bit about calling on 'your goddess' for guidance, integrating your "shadow" goddess to become more whole, and other cool stuff. and then i abruptly became annoyed by the fact that you have to pay $20 to take their "which goddess are you quiz" (despite the site having real meat, i don't appreciate hooks and traps like that).

so i was about to leave it when i scrolled down just to see which goddesses they address as "guides" and they were all greco-roman save two: white buffalo calf woman and rhiannon. i teared up. and i clicked on rhiannon.

everything on the page was written for me. it IS me. my best and my worst, right there, reminding me of the things i need to work at and the things i am so very blessed with. it is exactly what i needed to read right now. what a silly thing to wonder who my goddess is, when every time i sign an email or answer the phone i should be reminded of her. i am my own goddess because she is me. it is only when i forget this and look outside of myself that these things become confused.

when i first read the mabinogion and really learned about my namesake, i was struck by the description of her, of her mannerisms and the witty (almost sarcastic) way she spoke, and of her reaction to the often traumatic events in her life. of course the stories themselves are a myth, an oral tradition, but everything about her is like me; and i am so different from the rest of my family. though my parents named me in ignorance, not knowing its origin, i learned very young that my name really does mean something, that it isn't just a strange song... it is my daily reminder that i am myself, and i am also something else. the echo of her in me and me in her is the most powerful tool i possess to help create my life the way i imagine it. i have direct access to my higher power; i *am* the access and the inspiration and the power itself.

i'm going to work on not losing sight of that. thanks, universe, for the reminder.

whew! last night was packed full of madness in my head. i'm not sure if i've mentioned that i don't really sleep well anymore--i wake up to pee at least once around 2am, and then i find myself wide awake at 430 for no reason--and part of the problem is the crazy vivid dreams i am having.

this is going to be nonsense but i have to try to recall and record as much as possible anyway:
it started as a tour of a home for sale(?) or something like that--other people were touring it and i was there, and it was xmas because there were decorations and presents. at one point i was looking at the bathroom and i noticed that if i jumped high enough i could see a hidden part of the house behind the bathroom window... a whole other bathroom behind it, preserved from the 60s complete with towels on the rack and hairbrushes on the counter... i was so pissed because it was big and it meant that part of our house was hidden from us when we could've been using it. and someone knew and just hadn't wanted to tear out the wall between them.

then i was in an apartment complex looking for a midwife's office that turned into a sushi restaurant where i was having dinner with two academics talking about soil and wetlands, and my friend gabe was sitting at the table next to us eating dinner before he had to start serving, and he asked me why the hell i was sitting with weirdos talking about soil. when he left i said to someone, "see, he's one of the gabe's leading to why i don't want to name a boy gabriel!"

then i was on a journey to a castle with a suitor of the princess, and there were lots of us in a long train of people on horseback, and the suitor was heath ledger (of course, lol) and someone was trying to trick him into doing something that i knew meant he would either die, turn into an evil person, or just lose the princess but i couldn't get to him in time to convince him not to talk to the bad guy. then it changed and i was in a parking lot with my parents maybe with an RV and a lot of other people, and the weather was getting really bad... we looked out and there were huge tornadoes all along the horizon and moving randomly closer and further away... it was extremely scary and yet exhilarating at the same time. after a few minutes the sky went crazy into a white/silver/pink luminescence with flashing streaks of lighting more like an LSD hallucination, growing along the sky and changing and flashing in swirls. i was just staring at it in shock wondering if reality was changing before our eyes and thinking it might be the end of the world because nothing else seemed to explain it.

then later i was with [x] (someone who felt like matt but i think wasn't) and we went through a door that lead to another dimension just like this one--we could go back and forth--and in the other dimension i found myself in a room surrounded by shadow people who were dancing along and inside the walls, lots of them, really menacing and scary and making noise. i was supposed to get rid of them and i had a knife from our kitchen, so i kept stabbing at the walls, but it did nothing unless the shadow person came out of the wall first. so i was just lunging and slashing trying to get them and finally the "leader" or just a big, scary, red-eyed, clawed one came almost totally out of the wall and i hit him, but he didn't seem to care so i just kept stabbing at his neck and still nothing happened until i tried a sawing motion and got through his neck and took off his head. then he died but it was anti-climactic because the others were still there... and shortly after i wasn't there anymore and the dream had ended.

wacky. i do dream of tornadoes relatively often and it's usually terrifying, but this time was different because they were so far off and it seemed that either we could avoid them (by having a head-start) or we had no chance and would certainly die (because there were so many). anyway. i have no inkling what they might mean but there they are.

on to the book. i started Naturebirth the other night and i was rapt--yes, rapt--before i finished the first introduction. it's very well-written and given completely from a first-person perspective yet no less informative and objective than one would want a "facts" book to be. even though she is clearly giving her opinion... she's right and she's smart! really great so far. i read 70 pages in the last 2 days, which is a feat for me at this point considering how little time i spend reading lately.

i want to quote parts of it here, but so far i would end up quoting the entire book...

yesterday during my (very short and very silly) appointment at the birth center, i learned that they utilize ultrasound monitoring during all births as "policy." but it's not just monitoring every so-often, it's intense: every 30 minutes at the beginning, then every 15, then every 5 during pushing! it was really hard not to be very frustrated by learning that. i don't want any stupid monitoring--i know everything will be fine. (and how am i going to give birth in the tub if i have to keep getting out for the doppler?)

it's disheartening because i can't help but feel it implies they don't trust birth the way i am learning to do. everything i expose myself to these days is all about 'trusting birth' and giving in to nature's schematic and letting things happen... so at a place like the birth center, i want them to feel that too, to really get it and let things happen as they happen. but--no doubt a result of pressures from the medical community and/or fear of losing a baby and thus damaging their reputation--apparently that is just too risky for the midwives. the more i interact with medical professionals (of all kinds) the more clear it becomes that it is always the industry standards, the protocols, and the "doing everything by the books" that wins out.

i am not necessarily opposed to monitoring, because i understand they really just want everyone to be ok and to make it to the hospital on time should anything start to seem off, but it is hard not to feel disappointed in them anyway. i love those women and that place, i just wish it was more primitive, i guess.

when we have the next baby, i really think i am going to be at home by myself. or just "accidentally" not call the midwives in time to be there. not because i don't appreciate them, but because i don't think i need them. call me naive if you like; i call it faith in the universe.

we spent the entire weekend working on the house and we got a lot done! the half-wall for the bar area is drywalled and electrically-equipped, the future-bookshelf wall is drywalled and ready for sanding, the floors are bare... next stop is the tear out and replace the final wall and build the bar.

and in the baby's room, we cleaned it out except for decor/furnishings we are going to use, we finished the drywall on the closet and are ready to paint! now i just have to decide what color to paint it. this room will be ready in no time. i'm so excited about it... the more time the VOCs have to air-out before the baby arrives, the better. i'll have to stock up on some plants to stash in there for a while.

i also got a box full of decorative paints from a co-worker, along with tons of gorgeous feathers, twig wreaths, beads, bells, and other faerie-ish bits to hang about. the main thing i want to worry about is the tree though. as soon as we paint...

i have an appointment at 1030 and i am getting very antsy that matt might not be awake to drive me to it. *looks at the clock again*

(format totally swiped from a hilarious friend's blog)

synopsis: a self-help manual for pregnant women who want to maximize their psychological and spiritual involvement in all the processes from conception to birth.

target audience: pregnant women who intuitively "feel" that birth isn't what it used to be, but don't know much about what they think is wrong or how to make the most of their pregnancies as a spiritual event.

notes: i felt like i was having deja vu from page 1; there was no really new material (for me) in this book. it was decently written, used a lot of personal examples and women's perspectives, but overall it was pretty repetitive and not extremely fascinating.

rating: 3 out of 5 stars for having a good intentions and really trying to empower those who don't realize they have been disempowered. one star lost for the excessive overuse of michel odent quotes, another star lost for repeatedly using the (arguably untrue) phrase "no one can love a child as much as its mother." one half-star lost for only half-heartedly asserting that sometimes a c-section is the most loving choice, but gained the half-star back for all the women's quotes at the end of each chapter. that was the best part.

i'm not sure why--maybe i can blame past-life memories--but i resonate so strongly with the pain, horror, and despair that this crazy chick talks about in this post. i know i will have a perfect, quiet, natural birth, but something in me KNOWS what she is talking about. i've been there, somehow. i feel what she's feeling and it is the root of my hospital phobia. i think it's even the root of my overall anti-medical sentiments towards everything.

(it's not a total downer so don't get me wrong. full post below.)

***
"I just re-realized that every single one of the people who tell me to get over it--in reference to shitty traumatic births have never had a homebirth, never seen a homebirth, and have major unresolved stuff about their own births-- or even more ridiculous--no baby at all.

This little thought helps me to understand where people are coming from when it seems they are coming at me. I am stepping off of the merry go round that goes like this:

I was cut in half!
No body helped me!
I was denied then entire process of birthing! The hormonal rush---just kapoot--did not occur!
I have undergone major surgery--isnt that enough to garner some loving care?
I am not pregnant anymore--where is the baby? How can there be a baby without labor or pushing or birthing?
Why do they need me to be so happy? Is it truly weird to be sad when something shitty is going on?

My homebirth renewed and renewed and renewed me, each day a little more. The vast majority of people will never understand this--but for them to take it so far as to deny the existence of this phenomenon is absurd.

We get so freaking loopy about the Olympic athletes---we accept their triumph and their rush and their victories---and all they get is a stupid medal-probably isnt even real gold. But a mother, one who has truly undergone labor and birth, has experienced something so victorious and so triumphant--but that makes people feel weird. Squirmy. Images of naked ladies victorious is just waaaay off the acceptable scale for most people. Because there is a vulnerability in the victorious new mother. and victory as dictated to us by the modern media, entails Independence, vigor, and--yes--clothing and being a male help alot, too.

Being strong, super strong, outrageously strong, move-mountains strong is what birthing Mamas are. Either you have been there or you havnt. Either youve seen it or youve done it or you havent. There is no father at a homebirth who has to be coaxed off of his cell phone because the baby is crowning. There are no dry eyes in a room when a superwoman has bellowed and roared and conquered the oceans of hurricane force waves fpr her fetus/baby/savior. Either youve seen this, youve been there, youve done this, or you have not. I am not sure if there is any more human and normal and natural thing that is so secreted away in all of our civilization. Where do we come from, how did we get here--all a secret. Shhh shhh nice blue gowns...Mommy will be back in about 6 days....the baby came out of her tummy.

B U L L S H I T

Strong and vulnerable protect her space, yes she is naked yes she is turning inside out, bloody, open as you could ever be, baby so vulnerable, also bloody also naked, but strong as hell, the both of them.

The male model of "Strength" we all are so familiar with is what got us Mamas into our blue gowns and our stranded beetle positions in the first place. The men wanted to see what was going on in there. They were jealous and intimidated by the strength, the mystery, the miraculous miracle. Apparently it wasnt enough to go watch the goats or the lambs or the cats give birth---they wanted to see the women, and like an antiquated precursor to Television Viewing, a front row seat with a great view sounded just peachy. Lay her on her back! Demanded the menfolk---no no said the midwives and the Mamas and the friends--they never do it that way--Lay her on her back so we can SEE! ---and then the boys took over. Men, medicine, and the strength of the women, in such a vulnerable time, such an ebbing and flowing and precious and SACRED time--the time of birthing--was severely severely interrupted. Lay her down, stare at her privacy, glare at her, measure her, judge her, monitor her, QUANTIFY THIS EVENT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY GODDAMNIT!...well that was the beginning of the end.

But there are still so few people at least in my sphere that even could begin to get this, and I cant blame them anymore. For the bloggers that do, I love you. For the people that dont, I am sorry for you. You dont know about something that is EXTREMELY important to know about. True Birth."
***

i found that really touching. it's nothing new to hear, but she said it very well (despite all the typos)...

last night in the police academy matt had 8 hours of first aid class, 4 of which were about birthing babies in an emergency! he told me about it a little while ago and how he learned a lot of things he had no idea about... like afterbirth, haha... and he decided there is no way in hell he is going to be videographer-dad during the birth (i guess he doesn't want a record of the horrifying shapes my body will take on? lol). i told him i'd disembowel him before i let a videocamera in there, so it works out. but anyway i am half-glad and half-nervous that he now knows something about birth... he mentioned that he learned about complications and is now kind of nervous, which sucks. part of me wants him oblivious so he can't question me when i say what we are and aren't doing, i think. that's bad. but the less he knows the less he can worry, and the less his worrying will affect me. but the other part of me is really glad he was forced to sit through a crash-course just in case he ends up delivering this baby for whatever reason. and so that he knows what's coming even when he doesn't have to do anything except comfort me.

he's coming with me to my appointment on monday though, so i suspect meeting the midwives and just being in that uber-peaceful, gorgeous birth center again will calm him down. as will seeing how comfortable i am there. the last thing i need is for him to get stressed out and stress me out by association!

for a couple of days now my boobs have been SO itchy! like i can't soothe it kinda itchy. mostly just the nipples.

they aren't too sore lately, which is nice, but they are driving me crazy. i can't sit here at work and rub my boobs or i might get fired for... i dunno, sexual harassment? it could happen.

*squirming uncomfortably*

i spent a long while yesterday reviewing the weston a. price pregnancy diet again. the more i think about it the more i really start to think i should be eating more "native" style foods... so this weekend when i go shopping i am going to do my very best to make sure i am stocked up to start eating the following items:

-fermented grains (oatmeal soaked overnight before cooking, homemade sourdough bread)
-organic kefir (milk fermented with a special grain to make it probiotic)
-aged holey cheeses... wine & cheese, here i come!
-cultured veggies (like kimchee and homemade sauerkrauts, etc)
-cultured butter
-more fish ...northwest seafood, wee!
-and i have to make fish stock from the bones and use it in broths.

i know it sounds gross, but i am being open about it. the main thing is that i need to STOP eating pre-prepared anything and get serious about doing everything from scratch. if matt had made me that cheese press yet i'd be doing that myself too! alas. artisan-made will have to suffice.

what i will not do, however, is eat cod liver oil. or any kind of liver. gross! i realize it's the best source of (real) vitamin A, but it's also a toxin filter.

i'm transitioning now by trying to eat as much salad and fruits and veggies as possible. since i'm hungry 24/7 that's not too hard. and oddly enough, i am really interested in fish broth! mmmm miso soup (fermented soy + fish stock = yum). i also haven't been very picky lately unless i'm craving something. the other night i thought i was going to die without tacos. i made some when i got home but sadly they weren't precisely how i wanted them to be, so i remain unsatisfied as of yet.

and now i'm hungry just thinking about food! where'd those grapes go...

i've been thinking about names quite a bit lately--mostly girl names--and all at once on saturday it was very clear what i will be naming this bean if she turns out to be a girl.

at ward's i walked by my favorite dairy-section dude who was telling his friend that he has a baby on the way, and he's going to name her "willow" (one of my top 5 girl names)... i told him i had been thinking the same thing, but since he picked first i wouldn't be a copycat. one down.

so then on the way home i just sort of opened my brain up to let names float in, and POOF! something told me in no uncertain terms that my daughter will be named Lily Evelyn. Lily because i like it, it's a flower/nature name, has no biblical associations, and it reminds me of favorite movie number 2 (legend). Evelyn because that is my grandmother's first name which no one ever calls her by. my grandmother was quite the inspiration back in her day. i haven't mentioned this to matt yet, but i can't imagine him disagreeing with me on it. and i don't care if he does, frankly.

so, i'm not sure what to do if this kid is a boy! i told matt i wanted him to pick, but he's still stuck on Dorian... *sigh* it's a good name but far too pretentious in my opinion. maybe i'll be struck with a lightning inspiration for that, too...


ps--i want tacos. now. crap!

feeling overall way better than before, but i still have "icky" feelings after eating sometimes (probably because there is too much old food just sitting in my abdomen!). like right now. blah.

mood swings are pretty common, i'm not very patient and when i get frustrated i can't help but get tantrumy... like last night i was tired after all that cleaning and dust and i wanted to take a bath and go to bed, but matt was doing laundry and we have no water pressure... i thought i was going to die because he asked me to wait for the laundry ("it'll only be a few minutes")... i just wanted to scream and cry and stomp my feet. 53 minutes later i got in the bath. i will not get into what happened with the drain malfunction and the (lack of) hot water in there, but suffice it to say it did nothing to improve my mood.

still having libido excess also, though i really can't complain about that. verrrry strange dreams last night of a related nature.

my belly is definitely becoming defined now too. i'm starting to actually look pregnant and not just pudgy. it's too round for pudge.

and related to the mood swing thing, i have serious trouble getting to work in the morning. i don't know what is going on with me, but the bike ride has become a hundred times more difficult than it was a few weeks ago... i get tired, my muscles burn, and i just feel like i can't keep going... and then i start getting frustrated that i have to keep going and that i want to give up in the first place. so i'm cranky, fatigued, and sweaty and hating my life every morning on the way to work. i don't see how jogging can be easier and biking can be so difficult at the same time!

so i'm examining bus routes and, lo and behold, the bus that comes to my side of town
1) does not go to campus, meaning i'd have to transfer downtown
2) it would take me an entire HOUR to get 3 miles to the downtown station where i have to transfer to the campus bus
3) in order to make it to work on time i would have to be at my bus stop at 6am, which would put me at work at 715. i work at 8. that's a TWO HOUR bus ride when i live only 5 miles away!
*roar*

i can't fucking believe the city gets away with screwing the "east side" like that... one fucking bus route per hour that doesn't even arrive at a reasonable time. so i have no idea what i'm going to do... i mean, the prospect of two hours' worth of knitting time every morning is very slightly appealing, but at the same time it's total bullshit.

anyway. i have my next appointment at the birth center next monday, so i am excited about that. matt will be able to come this time too :)

we've been talking about removing the wall between our kitchen and living room for at least the last year or so, and yesterday we finally did it. matt popped the question saturday night (way too late for me to be sensible), and i said we could talk about it the next morning... so by 1pm he was demolishing it. we finished cleaning around 8pm. i was amazed how quickly we got it all done!

what a horrid mess though. i looooathe plaster dust! it takes months for it to come off the floors completely. but the house looks a million times better now that light gets in from three directions. it also feels much bigger. now we have to decide how we want the bar to look, and i'm researching paint schemes to unify-yet-distinguish the living room, dining room, and kitchen. so far this is my favorite inspirational piece (color-wise--we will not be designing in art nouveau style). we have a wine red in the dining room already, we'll have mid-reddish laminate flooring, and i just love the pale yellows with teal and soft blue-greys. and black. mmm hmm.

next projects on the list:
-build a bar/finish kitchen
-finish drywall in living room, then paint!
-floor-to-ceiling bookshelves in living room + rearrange furniture
-install new floors
-finish sanding drywall in baby room, then paint!
-fix bathroom window

i've spent the morning partially cleaning out the future nursery and in the process have some brilliant (i think) ideas for decor.

first, my mom said she'd buy us the crib/furniture, so that rocks. now i can focus on the rest of the room!

so ideas... two words: BRIAN FROUD. that ought to set the scene for you a bit. gender-neutral, foresty, a little bit dark, totally faery. i'm thinking a yellowish green base coat on the walls, then i want to create a kraft-paper tree in the corner attached to the walls and going up onto the ceiling with pretty paper leaves hanging down. then i want to paint some goblins and faeries in various places, maybe make some "mushroom" shelving for toys/trinkets, and i have lots of froud faery prints in frames that i will also hang about. i also have a bunch of willow branches and twigs and things to tie it all together.

my goal is not to have this be girly... froud faeries are as much creepy and male as they are feminine. but i think surrounding the baby with good faery influence is a great idea. i will have to be picky about who i paint up there!

so... i know enough people who are fantastic artists (karen, jorelle, lauren, my mom, others?)... anybody wanna paint some faeries in a few months? i've got all the books we need for our models, and a projector to boot. i'm even thinking maybe we can use pastels or graphite or something and then just clear coat it... not sure how durable that would be, but it's a thought.

i'm so excited! hello nesting instinct! lol.

inspiration:

holy crap, i had one of these on my registry for $50 and then i found this. DUH!

hello? fabric, rings, voila!

from unassisted childbirth:

"If we truly wish to experience a painless birth, it helps to know a little about the nature of pain, including its function and cause. Pain is a sign telling us that something is wrong. It doesn't happen indiscriminately. It only occurs when we're doing something we shouldn't be doing. The pain is a message telling us to stop.

In the case of a laboring woman, it is obviously not a message to stop laboring. What then, could the pain be telling us? According to Grantly Dick-Read, author of Childbirth without Fear, fear is the source of pain in labor. No other natural bodily function is painful, he writes, and childbirth should not be the exception.

When a person is afraid, messages are sent to the body telling it there is a danger out there that must be fought or run away from. Blood and oxygen are instantly sent into the muscle structure, enabling the frightened person to strike out or run. But the extra blood and oxygen must come from somewhere, so the body drains it from organs it considers nonessential for "flight or fight." This is why people turn white when they're afraid. The body knows that the arms and legs need that blood and oxygen more than the face does.

Unfortunately, the body considers the uterus a nonessential organ when it comes to flight or fight. According to Dick-Read, the uterus of a frightened woman in labor is literally white. It doesn't have the fuel it needs so it cannot function the way it was designed to, nor can waste products be properly carried away. Consequently, there is pain. So, to eliminate the pain we must eliminate the fear. "

"fear is the path to the dark side" -yoda, jedi master

:)

"Where did I come from?" the baby asked its mother. She answered, half-crying, half-laughing, and clasping the baby to her breast, "You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of my childhood games. In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother before her, you have lived. In the lap of the eternal spirit you have been nursed and nurtured for ages. "

-Indian philosopher and poet, Rabindrandth Tagore

i really miss coffee. not so much the caffeine, but just the thing itself. the thought of a nice hot, slightly sweet and very creamy cup of coffee is... heaven.

yesterday i determined i was going to have some decaf because i just wanted it so much, so i marched across the street to starbucks (yes, i know) and stood in line for a total of 6 seconds before the smell of the brewing substance had completely turned my stomach. apparently i didn't really want it after all. *sigh*

it's confusing to have my brain saying one thing and then my body completely disagreeing with it (and winning no-contest). it's clear who is in charge these days...

i'm so glad i don't miss beer!

first things first: no more will i use the term "symptoms" to describe the effects this pregnancy is having on my body. i'll call them... reminders. since they constantly remind me i'm carrying a now-strawberry-sized baby in my belly.

so. this weeks reminders include increasing moodiness, hunger, consistent digestive discomfort (too full, not full enough, just blah, etc), my boobs tingle every now and then, and today i've been feeling a lot of stretchy-like sensations in my lower abdomen. and i am still very tired.

and i seem to be getting rounder quickly. i realized that today is the last time i will be wearing this button-up blouse until... well, maybe never again. (because i won't be working, not because i will be too fat!)

i need a nap.

ok this doesn't have a whole lot to do with pregnancy or babying BUT in a way it does. today i had this ridiculous meeting with some of our off-campus colleagues (who generally make my life more difficult by not understanding their relationship to our academic departments), and during the meeting this one lady that i work with a lot, but whom i've never met in person, made a comment to me about how she "thought you would be much more mature, and older, but you're just a kid!" *choke*

a fucking KID? i looked at her dead on and said "i'm 27." [read: "yeah, i thought you would be a fat, middle-aged redneck but really you're a shriveled, old, scrawny dyke. who knew?"] her response: 'well you look young.' umm... thanks? or fuck off? i'm not sure which is more appropriate anymore.

i'm practically a mom for god's sake! calling me a kid. it was very offensive. i guess everyone with tattoos is 16 and childish. didn't you know, tattoo ink is the actual fountain of youth? best kept secret of all time. like that acai berry diet all the lobotomized barbie dolls are doing.

ugh.

things that make me REALLY mad these days:

stupid people
inconsiderate people
annoying cats
food that isn't in my stomach
food that is in my stomach
drivers
bikers
pedestrians
clothes that are too tight around my belly and make me look fat
my car
checkout lines
loud noises, like anything on 103.7 or 100.5 FM
coworkers who keep asking if there is anything they can help me with
annoying cats, again
my car, again

this morning i was in a screaming, tearful rage that matt didn't wake up to drive me to work. the fog was so thick it might as well have been raining! so i drove myself (with an expired tag and a brake light out) and had to fight with my car not to the stall the whole way in. and now i am parked illegally. yay!

yes yes, he has sleep issues and never wakes up on time, it's a lifelong condition, i know, but it doesn't really matter to me right now. i needed help and didn't get it! fuck! i hate everything!

especially stupid fucking hormones!!

ok these are officially my very favorite ideas for a quick-and-dirty diy crib. apparently in india they use these as standard practice; they're called ghodiyu. brilliant!

i found them because i was looking at fancy cribs and came across amby baby, which sells steel-and-cotton hammocks for babies and reportedly reduces all sorts of health and comfort issues. so i searched for "baby hammock" thinking someone must have done it in a diy version... and voila:

make-it-work diy :)

i love how it gives a prime spot for hanging a mobile too! i was thinking of knitting a hammock but sewing a few stitches will be 1000 times faster than slaving over needles, especially when i have so much else i have to knit!

last night was the full moon gathering i mentioned earlier, and i have to say i am ashamed of myself for calling it a 'hippiefest' and being skeptical about it. you have to understand, i have been to some seriously flaky drum circles before and i wasn't sure what to expect.

in stark contrast to those past events, however, last night was absolutely beautiful. the setting itself is amazing--this gorgeous secret garden in the middle of the duckpond--and the women who were there were... real. totally 100% real. the way i imagine the wise women of lost ages.

we didn't do much (i left just as the chanting was beginning), but even just going around the circle and hearing a few words from everyone was a deeply connective experience. i felt a very familiar energy from one (also pregnant) girl in particular, but overall they were all powerful, intentioned, and inspiringly serene.

little bean reacted to being there... i closed my eyes and immediately noticed the bubble/shield was rotating vertically "forward" from my spine, and it kept it up for a few minutes. ((i keep wanting to call LB a girl but i need to not do that!)) at one point when others were speaking i closed my eyes and saw this silver flash of light sweep in circles around us, right through all of our heads as if someone had an energetic needle and thread and just beaded us all together and pulled the thread tight, straight up into the sky. i saw that a few times.

it's really amazing to finally feel an outlet for this n e e d for expressing and sharing true feminine energy... not since bellydancing with maja and my sister (years ago) have i felt this kind of inner wisdom bubbling out and actually having a place to go. it's almost overwhelming. i find it hard to let go and be my(inner)self around other people sometimes, and that is frustrating to me. it's as if i become shy or uncomfortable even though i'm not and have no reason to be. so to be able to not care, to quiet that part of myself, is something i really need to take advantage of as much as possible. the inner rhiannon is way more at-peace and wise than the face i put out there most of the time. i guess we all do that to a certain degree... maybe...

so yeah, it was awesome. can't wait till the next full moon...

i've developed a habit of drinking juice as soon as i wake up every morning (orange, apple, grape, whatever), which is not something i could do pre-pregnancy; juice on an empty stomach always made me sick. but i've been fine so far... until today.

today at 530am i had a big, tasty glass of organic grape juice, put matt's dinner in the oven and went back to sleep a little longer. 30 minutes later i walked back into the kitchen and on the way had to run into the bathroom... to vomit vibrant purple stomach juice. it was pretty shocking, considering i haven't been sick once during this pregnancy!

afterwards i felt fine, and i haven't had any issues today, so i'm thinking that was just a last-ditch effort on the part of my nausea to make its presence felt. and now it's gone :).

i am, however, craving sugar! or rather, sugary pastry-like foods. yesterday i really wanted pink fluffy bubble gum for some reason. i ate papaya instead. today it's "sugar" so i am trying to substitute orange juice, but that all-natural blondie in my desk keeps looking better and better...

i think i have finally (and suddenly) crossed the hump of sickness into the realm of starving-all-the-time-and-craving-things. i'm still tired but i really think maybe i'm not going to have issues with non-food-related nausea anymore. *dancing happily*

and considering my due date technically moved up two weeks, it makes sense--i should officially be on week 12 by now. we'll keep pretending i'm 'on schedule' anyway though, just to avoid confusion in the blog.

i still feel digestively impaired but i don't really expect that to go away (though i hope it does). i'm going to start working on the idea of erasing external influence from my pregnancy as well as my birth experience. i don't feel as though i've let other people's ideas dictate how i feel so far--i never threw up, for example, and i'm just as uninterested in animal flesh as i was before--but i need to pay closer attention to shielding myself from the collective ideas on pregnancy.

on a sidenote, i am going to a full moon women's circle tomorrow night with mama cass, doula extraordinaire, so that should be interesting. i have no idea what to expect... other than hippies and drumming, lol. she tells me there are a few other fatbelly chicks in the group, so maybe i will make a new friend or two?

on edit: oh, and i forgot, my frustration tolerance level is right about at my toes, so watch out! i get cranky faster than a blink and for less reason, but it usually goes away pretty quickly too. however i still hate my boss a little more every day....

anyone reading this probably already knows this stuff, but...

as yet another wonderful outgrowth of xtianity, we subconsciously accept that ALL WOMEN will suffer in childbirth because prototype female (ie, eve) made an oopsie at the alleged beginning of time.*

"Because of this interpretation, billions of people throughout the course of history have stated, affirmed, believed and acted upon the notion that pain and difficulty must accompany labor** as a result of the curse given to the first woman, Eve. Another explanation is that because major religions had such a powerful impact on society as a whole the idea of the woman having to have pain in labor permeated and anchored itself to birthing in our minds.

This influence affected and continues to affect how birthing is generally portrayed in movies, TV shows, magazines, books etc. The validation of this historical event through religious figures and the media causes it to become ingrained in the consciousness of society as a whole and that affects you.

Why, you ask? Because when we are exposed to certain ideas as children we just accept them without question. If the majority of society says that there must be pain in birthing, people believe that there must be pain."

your subconscious mind is incredibly powerful in influencing your experience of life. imagine, centuries of painful births as a direct consequence of it being easier to believe someone else's truth than to seek one's own.

[enter the radical, highly challenging, and rebellious side of rhiannon's brain]

to the billions of women throughout history who have had painful childbirth experiences: i am sorry to tell you this, but you were tricked. coerced. brainwashed.

it didn't have to be that way, but unfortunately you were in a battle for your own experience without ever realizing it. society, your parents, your friends, your TV, and your doctors all told you "what birth is like" and your subconscious ate up their teachings and made them real, creating your experience (which then conveniently validated everything you were previously told).

and while i feel for you, and hate the system that made you suffer, i have learned from your ordeals. thanks to you, i know better. my experience will not be like yours--it will be mine.

so forgive me when i shut my ears to your recounting of the 20-hour agonizing, episiotomied, labor... when i gaze vacantly in response to your reassurances that i will "beg for an epidural"... and when maybe, one day, i tell you to be quiet because i don't want to hear about it anymore. you will not make me suffer the way you did. (and while i know that is not your intent, it is a consequence of the re-telling: perpetual reinforcement of any idea tends it towards widespread truth.)

i can't hear you when you try to scare me. i know that you were duped and i refuse to be. your truth is not my truth... i will find my own, thank you very much.

i am going to find more books like this.



*alternate reading of the story (my philosophical version): perhaps it was more complex than we are lead to believe. eve*** ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and as a result became more "mental" (knowledge) and less in tune with her own inner truth... thus she was willing to believe it when god suggested she should suffer in birth. the curse/gift of the fruit of knowledge is to become gullible and convinceable--to be doubtful of our own truth in favor of external pressure--not to have the apparently random punishment of labor pains. as Goethe said, "We know accurately only when we know little; with knowledge doubt increases." we doubt, and that is the double-edged sword of the gift of knowledge.

**also can we just address the use of the word LABOR (or better yet, 'hard labor') to describe birth?! how's that for subtlely conjuring physico-emotional associations?

***the more i look at the word "eve" the more it looks like a vagina squished between two boobs. weird.

*pondering*

i have been troubled by the inability to remember exactly when the incident that got me pregnant happened... i have a veRy clear memory of the incident itself, and i know definitely that that was the moment (though i didn't put 2 and 2 together at the time), but i can't be sure on what date it happened...

but i think i've figured it out.

i went through my lunar fertility cycle to try to find out the potential gender of this little bean, and realized that my lunar fertility was strongest the day before my last period. and i seem to have an inkling of having said "yes it's safe, i'm getting my period tomorrow"... so i think i actually got pregnant the day before my period. i've read enough to know it's possible, though unlikely, yet the founder of the lunar fertility method states:

"If Lunar Conception coincides with ovulation, the probability of conception is very high. Strangely enough, it is also very high when the moment of Lunar Conception coincides with menstruation. This explains many unbelievable cases which just cannot be explained by official science, but which exist in real life. "

so that would mean that in my case the stupid way the establishment calculates due dates would actually be correct!

if i'm right about the date, and lunar gender prediction is accurate, then we are having a girl. w00t! though honestly after that dream last night i don't care anymore.

so last night i had a very vivid dream about the baby...

it started confusingly (of course) and i was walking through fields with my bff lauren, and we kepy having to climb underneath fruit trees until my hands were covered with tiny spiderwebs from using them to brush away the webs... then something about a cottage with kites in it, and someone's children were there, and a batmobile of sorts that lauren was driving... but anyway later i was having to cross a busy railroad that bridged a river or lake, so me and some other person jumped up onto the railroad and launched ourselves over it into the river and swam ashore (it was kind of scary) and then all of a sudden i realized i had a newborn that someone handed to me with a blanket. i got very upset because i wasn't sure how long we had been apart and somehow i knew that i hadn't fed him yet and he'd been given formula and so i was afraid he wouldn't want to breastfeed. but i held him up and he did with no problem...

this is really personal and strange, but it was possibly the most touching experience i have ever had in my life--i would swear it was real--while it wasn't at all sexual, i want to say it was a thousand times better than the way an orgasm makes you feel. pure straight-to-the-brain pleasure and peacefulness.

so while this was going on i was thinking to myself, 'wow, we didn't name you!' and not knowing what to call him, and then i started wondering when i had given birth... i knew it must have been that day but i had no memory of the experience and i was asking the people around me to tell me what happened because i was so confused. and sad that i didn't remember it.

but the baby was extremely happy, he was giggling and silly and totally adorable and i finally felt what i assume most people feel towards babies. i was relieved to love him so much, honestly, considering how weird i always feel about other peoples' babies...

so. the dream was so crazy real i can't help but ask myself if it was a communication, if matt's right and little bean is really a boy? i went to fell asleep last night listening to a guided meditation podcast, so i will have to re-listen to it today to see if it was calling for any intuitive knowledge to rise up...

my boss is S U C H a bitch! it's unbelievable. i can't get into the subtleties of our conversation, but here are the main bullet points:

1) she's asking a 9-week pregnant woman how long i will be on maternity leave
2) she's bitching about she will have to cover for me "while [i'm] out"
3) she's asking a 9-week pregnant woman what i am going to do about child care

my responses:
1) i don't fucking know. (read: forever, you bitch, deal with it)
2) no comment. (read: i hate you! have fun!)
3) i don't fucking know. (read: i am going to raise my own child as was intended when it became implanted inside my body)

so this really pisses me off, because now she's asking and i am forced to lie. i hate lying. i'm no good at it and it makes me horribly uncomfortable. but unfortunately i can't tell her the truth or she might possibly fire me which would mean i'd lose that lovely zero-deductible insurance plan. i'd really like to be able to be honest and tell them ahead of time that i'm leaving, so that they have more time to find a replacement, but she is such a psychotic, controlling harpy that it is NOT in my best interest to be honest. i resent that sooooo much.

and on top of the absurdity of her even thinking i have any clue as to my post-partum plans (despite the fact that i do, by sheer luck), she approaches EVERY conversation with me in this "i know everything about everything and you are just a stupid child" attitude that i am so fucking sick of. i swear her ego has inflated itself to unsustainable proportions... as my favorite co-worker says, "she's just a glorified secretary." and it's funny because it's true. ms. queen of hell is not, in fact, in charge of anything but three relatively-submissive women who all hate her. so even as i pity her pathetic excuse for a career and self-image, i have to bend my speech and actions around her in order not to bring shit down on myself. it's such a bullshit system.

i cannot wait to get out of here! thanks, little bean. you will save the day sometime.

i keep telling myself this belly i am getting is just fat, or water, or undigested food... but i just looked at some pics of 9 week-old bellies for first time moms, and no, it's possible i really am getting a true belly that isn't all about bloated intenstines. it's very surreal to look at these huge women and have to accept that at some point soon that will be me, too. ahhhh!

on the other hand, it will be nice when i can stop wondering if passersby just think i'm chubby..!

and i saw my first pic of truly horrendous stretch marks also. omfg i could not have imagined they could be so disgusting. *whips out the belly butter she made for herself* i will be bathing in this crap from here on... i'm already afraid my boobs are going to get stretchies if i don't start soon!

ah, the joys of early pregnancy. and yes, i feel nauseous today (just like every day). as i write this a powerful wave of uh-oh-i'm-actually-going-to-barf is flowing over me... crap!

whew. lots of creative energy lately... too bad my stomach squelches it into mushy, uncomfortable blah-soup before i get to use it! >:( my comeuppance will come though; and on that day i will eat the most stomach-unfriendly food i can find AND knit a project out of vengeance!

today has been rough for some reason. i'm drinking my tea but i just have grumbles in my belly and don't feel good. and i definitely didn't get enough sleep (though the sacrifice was worth it, if you know what i mean).

i didn't notice it before, so i'm not sure it's a new phenomenon, but also my boobs are tingling today. like every now and then they go "bzzzzz" out of nowhere, like a little electric shock.

i've been thinking that since i know about 5 other pregnant chicks within 2 months of me, most of whom will be going back to work post-baby, maybe i will offer to be childcare for them? it would be a convenient way to make some money and socialize little bean all at the same time, and they can have their kids taken care of without the creepy public slime of a daycare center. of course that's assuming my house is clean and in order by then. which it will be. i dunno, i'm going to keep thinking about it. it's pretty appealing at this point...

ok but i just feel icky right now and i'm going to stop writing this. blah. BLAH!

for baby, in no particular order:

-a baby sling
-hooded blanket
-the birdie mobile
-knitted rattle (wrap cat toys in knitting, maybe vegetable shapes, like a pea pod?)
-a few hats of various sizes
-booties! like these if it's a girl
-diaper covers
-a big basketweave blanket (3'x3' or more) for floor time
-a couple of bibs

for me, BEFORE little bean is a human:

-a belly band or two
-some wrist warmers
-finish that damned 'paris loop'
-ear muffs

so my first "baby knit" project is going to be a mobile filled with multi-colored birds like this one from the knittedtoybox:

ain't he cute?! i love it. so i figured a flock of little peeps like this floating over little bean's head would be both interesting and adorable. and it's so small it should take me about 2 hours to knit even on a bad day.

i got a note on my door on 9/24 that a certified letter was waiting for me, but (assuming it was a credit-related harassment) i didn't bother to pick it up until yesterday... to my total shock, and incidentally, amusement, it was a letter from All About Women, the OB/CNM office i went to a few weeks ago.

wondering what the hell they would be sending to me via certified mail, i opened it right there in the post office and immediately burst out laughing:

September 18, 2008

Dear Ms. x,

This letter is to inform you that you are being discharged as a patient of [name], CNM. You are being dismissed for the following reasons:

1. We have a difference in philosophy of care.
2. [something about how they want me to be happy with blah blah] and I do not feel that we can give you the kind of care that you desire.

The rest of the letter was letting me know i have 30 days to see them again "for emergencies only" and that they strongly suggest i find a new provider ASAP.

*rofl*

i didn't even know they could do that!! i've never heard of a doctor "dismissing" a patient. all i can say is i'm glad our philosophical disagreement was clearly not just in my head... however it is quite disturbing to me that they outed me on the simple basis that i questioned the medical necessity of the procedures they wanted to do to me. that was the ONLY thing i did that could possibly have turned her off. i was polite and engaged, but i asked questions and didn't acquiesce with everything she said they'd be doing.

and she's a midwife for f***'s sake! but apparently she doesn't believe in women's ability to dictate their own pregnancies and births despite that...

beware of questioning your doctors. they might decide not to see you anymore! :D

WOW. i don't know why it never occurred to me, but why the hell shouldn't you try to keep your baby diaper free? apparently there is a whole method for essentially potty-training infants to go over a bowl or the toilet (of course you have to get them there in time). just think of the water and hassle that would save, not having to wash diapers... i am definitely going to try that. this whole childcare thing literally seems to get easier the more i read. why on earth have we made this process so built-up and complicated? so full of useless stuff and gadgets and disposable necessities? it's madness i tell you.

and i learned of something called a "blessingway" which is described as:

"A Blessingway is a wonderful ritual for the mother-to-be. It celebrates her step in motherhood (or motherhood again!) Baby showers are a lot of fun and they are a wonderful way to gift new parents things they need for the baby. A blessingway, however, is a unique way to honor the mother."

and they give some suggestions for what to do...

"Beads: This is my favorite blessingway tradition. It is so simple and anybody
can do this, even if they cannot attend the blessingway. Have each person
invited bring or send a bead that they have picked for the mother. The bead
should be something the guest has picked with the mother in mind. At the
blessingway string all the beads onto a cord for the mother to wear during
labor. Many mothers have said that these birth beads give them strength and
focus during labor. It is a powerful and tangible way to show your love and the
community support that surrounds the mother."

ahhhh that made me cry! amazing. i would loooove for people to do that for me. nevermind the party and hair brushing and belly painting (though that's nice too), the bead idea totally rocks. i suppose that could be part of a "normal" baby shower anyway, right?

*dancing, prancing, and floating in the air*

they said i'm a great candidate that they think "will do really well" with the birth center! they didn't care about the FVL, all my exams were fantastic, and they said i have 'good genes' lol. NO HOSPITAL FOR ME!!!!

so. in addition to that wonderful news, can i just say that the freaking midwives there are totally amazing? i have a real problem with pelvic exams but she was so gentle and obviously compassionate that it didn't even upset me. she explained everything as if i had never had an exam before (which, while unnecessary, was kinda nice), and they even let me see my cervix! it's gross and weird looking, but no doctor would bother taking the time to do that. why should a woman know what her own insides look like? ha. her assistant was a little rough around the edges but i think she's a very new student, and she was nice, so i took it in stride.

the best part of the whole thing was when they were going to do the doppler thing and i said "wait is that an ultrasound?" the assistant really didn't know what to do with me and just immediately started to back off and put it away, but the midwife was not put-off and willingly explained the fact that NO safety studies have been done on it, and no studies proving that it is actually beneficial, etc etc, and she was very honest that the only reason to do it is to 'maybe' let me hear the heartbeat. so i promptly said "no thanks" and she was totally cool with it. no awkwardness whatsoever. yay!

and and and they have this great little library bookshelf and i checked out two books that have each already made me cry once: birthing in the spirit and naturebirth. they have all kinds of books on pregnancy, birth, child care, herbal medicine, and whatnot.

OH! and my insurance deductible for the birth and prenatal care? ZERO. $0. i get to do this whole thing from start-to-finish with a single payment of $25. wtf? i am soooo happy about that!

plus reggae shack for lunch, my day cut short for the 2-hour excursion, blueberry muffins for the boss' birthday...

today has been an awesome day so far.

so i found this blog (somehow) of a chick where she's writing about her pregnancy, and i really enjoyed this bit of post:

"It is not that I am not excited or happy, because I am, just not to the point where I am hyperventilating and all goo goo ga ga over everything BABY. I am also not very worried about miscarriage or infant death or anything of the sort. I am actually quite confident that everything is going to be just fine. I mean, what other way is there to live your life?

The thing is, before I got pregnant I totally pictured myself being BEYOND ELATED during pregnancy, that I would totally feel complete and whole, that I would love and cherish every moment of every day I had this little life inside me. I thought that every moment of every day would feel SPECIAL and EXHILARATING... Well, REALITY CHECK: Your life doesn't really change much AT ALL when you are first pregnant, except it kinda sucks more.

You still have to go to work every day, you still have to do your chores and run your errands. You still have to go to the gym and take the dog to the park. None of the mundane in your life changes because you're pregnant. You don't have a belly, you can't feel the baby, all you feel is nausea and headaches and dizzy and backaches and TIRED AS FOOK!! You can't take any medicine, you can't have a cocktail or a cigarette or goat cheese or sushi. You only poop like once every four days and your tummy hurts all the time. All you want to do is sleep and everything makes you cry, even the comics."

ah.. yep. lol. she forgot to mention a few things though:

1) mood swings of the totally unjustified sort (e.g., last night i nearly lost it because matt was 3 hours late coming home from school and all i could think is that he likes the girl who was showing them what dispatchers do... i woke up literally 10 minutes before he walked in, as if there is some kind of psychic connection telling me when he starts up the truck to come home. ...but in my suspicious defense, i honestly can't imagine the rest of those pre-cops stayed out that late.)

2) the insane dreams; sexual, emotional, narrative, and just generally v i v i d. (reference above: i had a dream that he liked a girl in his class, and now i'm turning it into a hallucinated reality.)

3) clothes that slowly stop fitting in total disregard of the fact that you have no money to go buy new ones yet!

...but it's all worth it in the end, yeah yeah i know. glad i'll be able to say that in 7 MONTHS. for now i just have to suffer like the rest of history's women. *sigh*

i feel wretched. as in, retch-ed.

ugh. where's my tea?!

well. yesterday i only had one cup of RLT and apparently only needed one! today i haven't had any and i do not feel sick. i am really, really tired though.

it's weird how now that i am expecting certain discomforts, i get a little nervous when they fade... i worried about the lack of nausea at first, since i'm only on month 2, but my boobs are still as sore as ever and my libido is still crazy. and i'm tired and getting emotional.

i guess i just didn't expect to be feeling better already. it's great--i hope it lasts!

crap! i just wrote a long post and--despite having decided to change it dramatically anyway--i am very frustrated that it just disappeared! *grumble*

i wrote all about how even though i have been "bad" with my diet i have been promising to go raw once i stop hating food again... partly because of this article, which a friend sent me today. and it's true, i agree that milk is for baby cows, not grownup humans. it's gross that we drink it so much and it probably does cause freakin cancer.

however... as i get older i am more and more drawn to what seems to be the wisdom of a totally self-sufficient "natural" diet, which includes raw dairy products preferably obtained from the family cow or goat. i've spent most of today confusing myself with totally conflicting points of view between raw foodists and the weston a. price foundation. i really like them, generally, though i detect moments of trying-too-hard to convince the reader of the sensibility of what they say. they're a little too defensive here and there.

i have been eating (organic and/or home grown) eggs for a long time, and i have no issue with seafood anymore, so i do not intend to cut them out, but dairy gives me a lot of trouble. i just don't know what to do with it. i think it's weird to eat it, first of all, but at the same time it never makes me feel icky or anything, and the research on its healthy-standing is bipolar depending on where you get it from. and now, being pregnant, i'm trying to make sure i ingest enough fats and dense nutrition as possible without resorting to 'organ meats' or cod liver oil *barf* so raw dairy seems like a wise option (much unlike pasteurized processed dairy). i think?!

the other problem is how fantastic i feel when i am 100% raw. it's like floating in a body of light, and i love that. but... but... is that state of mind somehow induced by a brain starvation of certain neurotransmitters i would otherwise be producing?

oh and to add another twist, pregnant women are "advised against eating any raw fish or dairy products" due to the risk of food poisoning that can cross the placenta.

*sigh* i'm sure i am thinking about this too much, and the good thing is that i do listen to what my body wants (which hasn't been much raw stuff lately), but this is a big deal with potentially huge consequences and i do not want to be accidentally failing to get the best possible nutrition because of some weird food phobia or misguidance on what is or isn't healthy for me and little bean.

ok--be logical. there's nothing wrong with eating tons of raw fruits and vegetables, some eggs and seafood, a daily dose of raw dairy, and not ingesting ill-treated grains or processed foods. i can do that.

time to revise the fridge.

**i wrote this to the stopping point, which is when i got distracted by the WAPF and wrote the next post because i thought i lost this one. funny how my perspective was so clear and then went bye-bye.**

well. i've mentioned how i have been eating non-vegan foods and whatnot, like yogurt, some cheeses, butter, and whatnot... and i've felt fine about it because i'm picky about what i buy and from whom, but it needs to stop. i've been telling myself that i'll stop when i can eat without feeling sick, but that's just a lame way of dragging this out.

a friend forwarded me this article today and it reminded me of all the reasons i gave up dairy 8 years ago... it's hard to think how i fell off the vegan wagon. it just kind of happened bit-by-bit?? but it's time to go back, albeit slightly modified.

the main difference now is that soy is on my list of banned foods as well, so it really is easier to just go raw than try to fuss with milk-substitutes. the exception to the "raw" food will be organic free-range eggs (preferably from the family farm) and fish/seafood, which i feel my body needs in small quantities. since i have been pregnant i feel less inclined to eat eggs--i don't need them and they don't make me feel great--but fish is a different matter. my body is very interested in seafood these days.

so i'm going with it... "mostly" raw except a couple of things that totally aren't. lol. the big thing is to get rid of the dairy. milk is for baby cows, not people. so gross. i'm not sure why i started to think it's ok.

(actually i do, it was the weston price foundation. overall, i think they rock, and it's not that i disagree with them per se, i just more strongly feel that milk is not meant for people. if you are going to drink it, do it raw and fresh, at least!)