september mama

blah. today is yucky.

poor matt was in agony all night with a sudden ache in one of his pointless wisdom teeth (which i dearly hope he has had pulled by now)... he spent the night in the ER all alone and then took a pill which probably made him dizzy and nauseous.

it's my birthday, but i don't think matt knows that, even if he is conscious--i haven't made much of it this year, so i can understand if he forgot.

maybe it's just that i'm tired for having been awake all night and worrying about matt, or maybe its the walking-on-glass-barefoot dream, but i am REALLY whiny today. twice i have started crying for no reason. makes me worry about the little bean, kind of. could i be "pregnantly" emotional already or should i be concerned? ugh.

i just feel sad and listless. what a lame birthday.

this handmade crib (for when baby is older--there are some design flaws)

three words: raspberry leaf tea.

without it i would be a sicky, whiny, mess of a human! it's a great tonic for the uterus and female system and totally safe during pregnancy (potentially even making for an easier labor), with an added bonus of wiping out nausea completely. i feel -almost- normal now. just tired and boob-sore, mostly.

little bean has been quiet lately... i haven't picked up much. it seems busy or preoccupied, which is understandable i suppose. i have been having wild dreams pretty much nightly, however. it seems like it's either anger/jealousy, crazy sex, or long, drawn-out narratives. last night it was all about 15-foot alligators and missing rainy-day appointments at the birth center.

i think i've started to get hungrier now too. still not loving food, but needing to eat more often.

tomorrow is my birthday :)

ok, so i'm doing terribly at being raw, let alone even vegan these days, BUT i am eating 99% organic and listening to my body. so i'm allowing the slips for now, until i start to like all foods again. then i'll be strict.

can i just say that after 8 years of not eating yogurt, IT TASTES LIKE CHEESECAKE. holy crap, it's awesome. i bought the stonyfield organic french vanilla fat-free (?) "probiotic" and it's like eating gooey cheesecake. *yum*

on a totally unrelated note: i think i'm developing TMJ... my right jaw is not willing to open very wide lately. it sucks.

totally unrelated note #2: i have been pretty good about doing my kegels, and i seem to be getting better at them already.

last night i had another nightmare based almost entirely in a furious jealousy (this makes 3). i dreamed that matt was really interested in a girl in his class, to the extend that he started hiding things from me and chatting with her secretly, and me here pregnant... in the dream i slapped him (that makes twice) because i was so angry i didn't know what else to do. i started having feelings along the lines of "does he want us? does he care that i am having his baby?" and it was baaaaaad. i woke up so relieved that it was imagined. i don't know what's up with these jealous, angry dreams. and the chick wasn't even pretty.

my lovely doula mama cass gave me some raspberry leaf tea (among many other things) and i started drinking it yesterday... and magically i am FAR less nauseous than i was last week. the past two days have actually been OK--not fantastic, but not bad like before--and i'm pretty impressed. could be the tea or just me getting better, but i'm not about to stop drinking it now.

also, i am REALLY sentimental these days. i can't even read about birth without crying. i went to http://www.birthingfromwithin.com and read some articles, and man i was taken by surprise with the tears! sheesh. apparently i'm starting to get emotional... watch out.

since little bean is literally bean-sized right now and i can get no physical cues as to who this thing is, but i am getting mental/emotional impressions, i'm going to make notes so that i can see if my initial impressions were right once bean is fully baby-sized and kicking in there.

so, i have a vague feeling that bean is a girl, which i've said before. in addition to that, it feels very quiet and gentle, sort of a soothing presence, not too wild or impulsive. a little bit petite or dainty, but not necessarily weak or lacking stamina. understated is a good word.

even my symptoms are following the same pattern... i'm not violently vomiting (at all) or having wild cravings or anything... everything has been subtle yet persistent in a steadily-increasing way.

sounds like a taurus, to me. again i can't help but wonder if i'm projecting..?

*sigh* first it was ice cream, and now cake... what's next? meatloaf? ewww...

yes, some student had a birthday and there was a pirate ship-shaped cake lying around my office, and after 3 hours of smelling its sugary goodness, i broke. but i just had a little little bit!

and it was goooood.

(reposted from some brilliant chick on craigslist in portland, july 2006)

You heard me, don't touch me. That means you. I do not want you touching my belly. Yes, I know, "it's a miracle" and "it's so interesting" but it's my body; not yours. Move away from my belly. If you are so tempted to touch, ASK FIRST and when, if, I tell you "NO", respect my answer. Do not attempt to change my mind. Do not ask incredulously, "Why not?" Do not tell me that I'm not being fair. Do not pout and do not ask again. You wouldn't expect to touch a non-pregnant woman's belly; do not expect to touch mine. I don't care to share my "miracle" with you. That is something for my husband and me.

And while you are at it, stop wagging your finger at me if I have a glass of wine. Don't tell me I shouldn't eat tuna or sushi or anything else for that matter. I am a grown woman and intelligent human being (likely more intelligent and educated than you) and I have consulted my doctor regarding all consumables that I have any desire to consume. If I'm drinking my one-a-week glass of wine, I'd like to enjoy it without your hysterical reaction. Europeans have no issue with a glass and thousands of women before me have indulged much more than I. If I'm having sushi, I don't need your eyeballs falling out because you "can't believe I would risk it". Like the wine, my doctor okayed sushi and any number of other foods you may not approve.

Unless you are my doctor or my husband, you may keep your opinions to yourself; I'm not interested. In fact, I'm probably less interested in your opinion than you are of hearing my opinions on your beliefs on abortion, your scoundrel of an ill-behaved child and thus, your rearing techniques, your likely lack of intelligence and/or common sense, not to mention decorum and tact, your hairstyle or the sludge you find acceptable to eat.


btw, to the idiot that says it's a little late to be saying 'no touching' now that I'm knocked up - if you read the first paragraph of my post, it's pretty clear that I don't have a problem with my husband touching me ("That is something for my husband and me."). My husband has privileges with me that you and everyone else do NOT have, just as he had before I became pregnant.

[end quote]

hell yes! that chick just said everything i already want to say, and i don't even have people touching my belly (or even knowing i'm pregnant) yet!

i'd like to qualify this post by saying right off the bat that i am hyper-aware of my body and its doings, so while i may be misinterpreting certain changes, they ARE happening for one reason or another. on with the text...

all of a sudden the past two days i am noticing a tight springiness in my lower abdomen. it's like the 2x enlargement of my uterus that just happened is suddenly tangible, and it's pressing on my gut walls. by no stretch of the imagination do i have a "bump" (curse the term) but i can feel... something... pushing out. maybe i'm just bloated since my digestive tract seems to be operating at 15% efficiency. and my bladder is always full!

either way, i think i've already gained a little bit of weight around the belly area despite eating super-healthy and exercising moderately. i lost a few pounds the first few weeks, but it seems that phase is over. i probably just shouldn't even think about it, since i'm supposed to be gaining weight anyway!

oh and note to self: you do NOT like the grouper tacos at the top. yes, they are tasty, but the belly said 'yuck!'

ok, i know foods and smells can get "funny" during pregnancy, but i have been having distinct issues with certain music (which i normally really love). can it be hormonal? or am i just pissy and taking it out on anything?

it's only happening with certain things though, because last night i was cleaning and DJing for myself, and i literally sat inches away from my computer to listen to a live version of #41 by dave matthews... i had crazy goosebumps and was completely taken by the music for the entirety of the song. i mean, sure, i like dmb and i think he's amazing, but i've heard that song a million times and it never did that to me before. similarly with alanis unplugged (?!). so weird.

today, i hate regina spektor, whom i usually love. and i can't really listen to fiona apple very well. but i like the (late) beatles, a lot, and i've never really had a true "beatles" phase before.

it seems like i can only listen to really super-melodic and non-jarring music. i feel like an old lady flipping to the "easy listening" channel... lol.

i also have a lot of moments where i really want to dance! not that that's so unusual, but it's taking me at odd moments and feels like it's coming from 'deeper' inside me than before. same with the music.

i read some forums where people were talking about aversions to loud noises (and birdsong, in one case), but i couldn't find anything about specific issues with certain music. it makes sense that the two would be related though...

over the weekend i broke down completely... not raw, not even vegan... i ate real ice cream. *blush*

but it was sooooo goooood and i wanted it more than i should have. i wouldn't quite call it a "craving" except that i drove 15 miles to get it. i've been ok since, so i'm thinking it was just a one-time freak incident. i hope it was.

but i find myself having tons more stamina than usual when i'm running, and i don't know if it's the extra blood volume or just me getting used to running more often... but it's awesome. i run, i get winded, i walk for a second, and then i can run all over again like i wasn't just panting heavily. and i'm talking outdoor running, not on a treadmill; usually i suck horribly at running outdoors and my body just hurts from all the stomping and up-and-down jerking, but lately i can do it with no problem. i'm taking advantage of that as much as possible.

today it became obvious to me that my boss has no idea that i do not intend to come back to work after this baby is born.

it puts me in a really shitty situation, because i don't want to point it out too early and have to deal with the wrath of a bitchy boss, but at the same time, preparing them early will make it easier for us all to transition when the time comes... she actually said something about how she'll have to 'take over while [i'm] gone' but that she's glad it will be summer (may)... and i had to bite my tongue not to say "ha!! you think i'll be here all the way through may? are you nuts?!" but that's how i felt, and i got a little peeved that she thinks i would wait until the last minute to take leave for something this important. i swear the woman thinks she owns me. well, i look forward to the revelation in march or april that i will never be coming back...

but seriously, in this day and age does she really think i can afford child care on the crappy salary they pay me?! it wouldn't come close to being worth it (nevermind that i disagree with it anyway). i don't get it.

so yeah, i'm kind of annoyed. it just makes me want to be snippy and just march in there and say "oh by the way, i'm done here. thanks for nothing." grr.

i have been searching for this book for TWO YEARS and i finally found it, thanks to my mom remembering the name of more than one of the stories inside. it was hers as a little girl and she gave it to me, and somewhere between my teen and college years, it disappeared... but now that i know what it is, i'm buying a copy to make sure i have it when little bean is born.

the once-upon-a-time story book, by rose dobbs. 1958.

this is probably too much posting for one day, but i need to get it out. i've had a very emotionally-challenging day!

this morning i went to the OB as planned, and the first thing that ruined the day (other than the fact that i couldn't find the damn place) was that i was quite unpleasantly suprised by its location in the women's center of NFRMC. a freaking hospital, the last place i want to be. there was NO indication of that on their website and i was sure it was an independent practice... so i felt misled and frustrated just walking in the place, but i tried to keep an open mind and let it be what it was going to be. after all, the practice is two midwives and an OB, which i felt i could live with. ha.

so basically all they did was ask me a bunch of questions, take my weight and blood pressure, and check my pee (yes, i am pregnant). everything seemed fine until she said they would do a pap since my last one was 'almost 6 months ago' *gasp* and to check for gonorrhea and chlamydia, and i basically told her there was no need since my husband and i are 100% faithful and i've been with him for 4 years. i tried to assert that i didn't feel it was necessary or desirable, but she didn't agree and her only response was summed as 'well, it's just what we do.' um, no, sorry. i explained how troublesome i find internal exams and that i felt it best for me and the baby to avoid that kind of stress and emotional uproar if possible, so let's only do the pap if i absolutely have to, and she dropped the subject completely, to my confusion. then she told me that at the next appointment they would do an ultrasound to check the gestational age... when i asked if it was 'medically necessary' she sort of uhhhed and ummed until i said "yeah because i don't really think i want that." she was obviously put-off and basically told me i'd have to take it up with the OB (a man whom i have no intention of seeing, considering i went there for the FEMALE MIDWIVES, not the male OB). at that point i decided i needed to be clear about my reasons for being there, both because she assumed i'd be back every month for an appointment and because she didn't want to answer my questions... so i let her know very honestly that i was not sure i'd actually be coming back, that i was trying to decide how best to treat my prenatal care, and was considering the birth center but wanted to check in with a doctor just because, and right about then she quite obviously lost interest in talking with me. so i left feeling misunderstood, judged, and definitely not happy. i'm not going back there.

for the next two hours my mom and i ate chopstix and watched 'the business of being born'--can you tell i love it yet?--because i wanted her to see what i was trying to explain to her... having birthed so long ago and under such different circumstances than there are today in doctor attitudes, patient perceptions, and litigation fears from hospitals, i didn't feel that she really understood why i am so adamant about doing things "my way." she wasn't grasping the way the system works these days, and how there really aren't choices anymore, and doctors don't just stand by and let women have babies the way they used to. so we watched it, and she was definitely moved and i felt like she got it afterwards. and on we went to the birth center for our orientation.

it was perfect. everything about that place feels r i g h t. i had to fight off tears while we were all listening to the midwife explain things because i just wanted to hug her and say thank you and scream about how i want to birth there... her energy was like walking into a quiet sunlit wood early in the morning... but i was also really stressed and uptight and reserved because i still don't know if they will end up letting me be their client. it's so indescribably difficult to have ALL my hopes pinned on one thing like this. i could not bear a hospital birth with doctor-folk, knowing there are gentle, confident, compassionate women at places like the birth center. the baby gave me a very clear message that it wants to be at the birth center, though, so i am hoping with everything i have that that means it will work out. maybe i will get lucky.

after these two opposite experiences combined with watching the film again, i have been an emotional wreck today. so many tears for so many different reasons... i wish matt could've been there. i am going to try to get some rest now.

ok. at the risk of sounding crazy, delusional, or just plain pregnant, i have to document some things that have come to me as pretty clear signals of attempts at communication from this homunculus in my belly.

today i realized, in a moment of light-switch-bright clarity, exactly why i am pregnant right now. on july 31 i watched the aforementioned documentary "the business of being born" and it changed my life, literally. i didn't understand at the time, but i know now that if i had not watched it, i would not be pregnant right now. until then i had spent the past few years in an ambivalence about really committing to raising children; i wasn't sold on the idea, and frankly sometimes i hoped it never happened. other times i felt the opposite. i believe that my state of mind was the only thing "protecting" me from pregnancy all this time... because it certainly wasn't the prudent use of prophylactics! but something inside me changed dramatically the first time i watched the documentary, though i didn't understand it at the time--i felt a deep, strong connection to the women giving birth, i was drawn to their experiences in a way that birth had never interested me before--i had profound internal reactions to the ideas they were presenting, about the empowering nature of birth and so on--and i became fully opened to the idea of motherhood in an instant. about two weeks later i got pregnant.

previous to that experience, back in february or march, i was told by a psychic that i would have my first child "soon." while the news was exciting on a certain level, my anxiety and ambivalence remained because i just wasn't sure i was ready to deal with parenthood. what i found interesting after the psychic reading, though, was that i became aware of a distinct "small" presence that felt somehow connected to me all the time... i started feeling warm lovey impressions of what felt like a male energy around me, and a smaller, lighter background presence that was very feminine. i carried them around contentedly but didn't pay all that much attention, because after a while they seemed to fade. what i find interesting now is that my impressions are totally unclear about the possible gender of this baby. i "feel" girlyness but that might just be me sticking my hopes in there... i wonder if the 'babies' i felt are having their chance now or if they moved on when i wasn't ready before?

also, about 4 days after i found out about this pregnancy, i was sitting at work doing what i do when out of nowhere i became aware of what seemed like an outside thought or suggestion popping into my head: i suddenly visualized very clearly and solidly an iridescent pearl-like sphere materializing around my womb and the baby... it was whitish but shimmering with colors like an opal or moonstone or something, and anytime negative energy or thoughts or anything touched the surface, that spot would flash into diamond mirror-reflective brightness and deflect the badness like a tennis racket hitting a well-served ball. it was so vivid a visualization, and it has stayed with me. the baby made its own shield with no help from me, and a damn good one, too. i do what i can to remind myself that it's there and to add my intention to its power, but it wasn't of my making and i suspect it doesn't need my help! i think i had a dream related to it, also, but i'm not totally sure... it was actually a nightmare in which i was holding a door closed against beings that were trying to get in, and i was afraid of them, but i new as long as i pushed hard enough on the door they couldn't overpower me. i woke up afraid, but still glad they didn't get in. (on thinking about this as i write it, i wonder if it doesn't have more to do with me and the doctors... more on that next post.)

i had an interesting experience with the shield about an hour ago too, while sitting in the bath... i brought a rose quartz in there with me and laid it over my uterus and imagined the shield being energized by pink glowing light, and i watched it absorb and assimilate the love energy and "react" to it with a lot of green glow. i didn't suggest the green, it just came out of nowhere, but it was a lovely interplay between the two colors. i guess the baby likes green :). what i love about this though is that (as we all know) i am useless at shielding myself, so it is really fantastic to feel the baby taking care of itself, or me unconsciously overcoming my failure for its benefit. it's quite a relief to know i'm not walking around exposing another being to the crappy sponginess i allow myself to experience.

and lastly, i have taken to calling it "little bean" until we decide on a couple of names and/or learn the sex. well, bean has sent me at least two distinct emotional messages since i gave it a pseudonym! it's very exciting and i am going to do my best to stay as open as possible to hearing whatever it wants to share with me. my confidence in the viability and long-term outcome of this pregnancy is worlds greater than it was a few days ago. i think this little bean really wants to be born.

quick follow-up on ultrasounds: no. unless they are 75% sure (or more) that i am having an ectopic pregnancy. maybe much later i will reconsider, but for now, no way--no need.

so i am kind of nervous... i don't like the idea of all the tests that might be done. i'm ok with blood tests, pee tests, breast exams, whatever, but i think i am going to refuse any internal exams. i'm already spotting old blood and i don't particularly want anything going up in there to potentially cause more. and considering how upset i get during those exams it probably won't be good for me psychologically, especially while pregnant.

(on a side note, i watched this wild movie called "teeth" that was about a girl who discovers she has the gynophobically-mythical vagina dentata which ends up coming in pretty handy for her. sometimes i wish...)

um, well i just spent the last hour between the sentence above and this one reading other people's stories on a forum where they have a May 2009 due date group... so my brain is fried.

good news though, it sounds like i am progressing totally normally. and i have to pee again, so this post is ending now. :)

there is some slight, though undeveloped, tension in my household regarding the manner in which i will give birth. we've only discussed it once, but it was clear that matt is nervous about--if not totally opposed to--having a home birth. he was completely into doing it at the birth center, though, which is nice, but in my opinion it's mostly because he has been there and worked on the place before, so he's familiar with it. home birth is something he has no clue about, so it's scary for him.

for me, however, i am fighting the feeling that the birth center is a big compromise. it's not my fantasy birth, but i guess i can do it if he is really uncomfortable with us being at home. it's perfectly reasonable for him to feel more secure with us at the birth center, but i have this deep desire to do it alone, with only matt there. just us, intimate and personal as it is. maybe it's too much pressure on him and that's the problem... or maybe he's just being prudent.

i think the best thing i can do to convert him to a home-birther is to make him watch the videos of unassisted birth i've seen so that he understands why it makes a difference... it's SO unlike "traditional" birth that it's almost not the same thing at all. i'll just have to hope he's willing to watch other women give birth, lol.

and i do realize i am being a little bit crazy with regards to this and that i should feel lucky that he's not pushing me to birth in a hospital. ...that ain't happening except in my nightmares!

last night i learned that the only time i feel normal is when i am actively exercising. i felt like poo all day yesterday, but i forced myself to go jogging anyway, and while i was out there running i felt fine. and i managed to eat afterwards and not want to vomit.

today i woke up feeling ok but that has gone downhill since. ahhhh just a few more weeks till the nausea is supposed to stop!

so, i have an appointment with a midwife at the "all about women" obstetrics practice on thursday. i'm nervous and a little bit excited. it would be cool if they wanted to do an ultrasound now (even though i don't really want one.. but what if i have twins? what if they can tell the sex already? eee!). i'll have to research this and make sure they are as safe as everyone says before i walk in there compliant and malleable. this may be my one-and-only doctor's visit so i hope it is productive.

after my appointment i will be popping into the birth center for an 'orientation' so i'm crossing my fingers that the midwife says i'm low-risk and will be fine at the birth center. or home. you know.

i am having a hard time grasping how crappy i have felt this past few days... constant swaying nausea, bloated stomach, absolute disinterest in food (and in some cases, revulsion), and fatigue like it's nobody's business. not counting a trip to the grocery store, the movies, and a jog on sunday morning, i spent the whole weekend lying around in bed/on the couch feeling like hell.

i don't want to eat, but then when i don't i get really hungry, and after i finally shove something down my throat i feel like it will be on its way back up almost immediately. no matter how little i eat it always feels like too much, and then i burp it up for the next 5 hours which does nothing for my nausea. gross, i know, but hey.

i thought pregnancy was all glowing skin and pickles and ice cream munchies. apparently not! well, not yet, anyway. *sigh*

man... i am whiny today. amazingly, work seems to be helping--if nothing else, i guess i am distracted enough not to be able to focus on the yuck. triscuits are my best friends right now. i need to get a good organic alternative...

**beware of too much information below**

ok. i know it's "normal" to spot, especially after sex, but i'm getting sick of this because it's freaking me out... the brown/old stuff doesn't scare me anymore, but today it was pink and fresh-looking. no real blood or anything, but still.

i just read that "around 7 weeks, there may be bleeding as the placenta takes over hormone production" which definitely makes me feel better though...

*crossing her fingers that everything is ok*

i mentioned before that my libido is crazy lately... the slightest touch or sign of the right kind of affection from matt sets me on fire these days.

today he asked me when we will have to stop having sex (lol) and i told him never as long as i don't have a bad reaction to it, like bleeding profusely or anything, and then i decided to mention the fact that many women/midwives/etc seem to think that it's actually helpful to have sex during the beginning of labor, to help release the good hormones and even coat the cervix with semen because certain chemicals in it help to soften and dilate the cervix... his reply was a frightened "uhh well i don't think i'm going to be able to do that." i didn't really expect it, but it was fun to hear his reaction anyway.

*ugh*

today i started getting waves of nausea around mid-morning, when my stomach was empty... now i am full (on gorgeously delicious veggie kibbie from gyro plus--yes, it's not raw but it's so tasty) and i am getting the nausea again.

thankfully no barf yet, but i fear it may be coming. *whimper* i was really hoping not to have any morning sickness. ha!

ETA: also, i'm having trouble sleeping the past few nights. i sleep very lightly and wake up a lot. it's lame.

before i get to the saturn return post i have to vent a little bit...

i am totally amazed at the negative reactions i have received when talking with people about how and where i intend to birth MY child. i was asked (by my boss and co-worker) whether i've gone to the doctor and i mentioned that i plan to visit the birth center soon and immediately got a strange attitude from them... total fear reactions and skepticism... then my boss asked me why i want to go there and i told her honestly that i don't feel hospitals are conducive to the natural conditions the body creates to evoke the best possible labor... and she snickered and gave me this "you don't know what you are talking about" look. it really offended me.

NO i do not want pain medications. NO i do not want monitors and IVs and nurses prodding me. NO i am not interested in induction, epidurals, or episiotomies, and i definitely do not ever want a c section!

she literally looked at me like i'm an idiot for wanting to birth at a center, let alone at home (you should have seen the reaction i got to that)! she said with a smirk, "it will be interesting to see how your opinion changes as you progress." now i realize that i am taking this a little too much to heart but fuck man, are women so detached from the power and wisdom of their bodies that they think they need a hospital to effectively give birth? like we haven't been doing this--without any help from anyone!--for thousands of years? it's a tragedy, and it's maddening... and the worst part is that i know she is expressing the consensus opinion on the subject. most women know nothing of birth other than what they have been told by doctors (which then becomes their own experience of birth, confirming what the doctors said in the first place).

i am truly sorry if your labor was agony and horrible and you begged for an epidural, but it doesn't matter to me; i know that i am not like you, because i understand how we create our own experiences out of our expectations and subconscious thoughts. i have never had a baby--or even been pregnant--before, but i KNOW my body knows what to do. i KNOW i can have an amazing, joyful, ecstatic birth as long as i trust my body to do what it is made to do. why is that so hard for other people to believe? or if they don't believe it, why do they feel they must convince me as well?

i realized today that the only thing i am afraid of is losing faith in myself in the face of others' doubt. it's miserable to feel like i can't be honest about my intentions without being bluntly and offensively judged for it...

i learned that doctors count the "age" of a pregnancy by starting with the first day of the last actual period... so you are actually not even pregnant during the first two weeks of the "pregnancy." i find that very weird.

symptoms lately:
bloaty, heavy stomach 24/7
sore boobs that seem to be growing
odd appetite--less than usual, kinda picky (i've been eating 80% fruit)
super slow digestion
f a t i g u e especially in the afternoon
really sentimental, crying about silly things
vivid, unusually emotional dreams (rage/jealousy)
"stretching" feelings in my uterus area, like pulling or slight cramping
faint spotting, likely caused by sex the other day
oh, and my libido is through the roof.

i've really committed to a totally "granola" lifestyle now that i am pregnant... no more coffee, alcohol, refined sugar or flour, deodorant, shampoo, scented lotions or other products, only organic food, bottled chlorine-free water, etc etc... and i've been jogging almost every day.
i got rid of an entire cupboard full of chemical toiletries and i am really proud of myself for it. i'm using handmade-only now for almost everything i touch (even toothpaste). i'm not taking any chances! and it feels good, i just wish i had done this a long time ago. i guess i never had a good enough reason.

it's been interesting to experience how this has changed my perspective on my life so drastically, and so quickly. i tend to have trouble getting rid of old things because they always seem to have some kind of value to me, but now it's very easy... i ask myself "what place will this have in my life as a mother?" and the answer is usually: none. before, i could always find a reason to keep things long past their point of usefulness. so this is helping to clear out my spaces, both physically and mentally. it's great.

next time: about that saturn return on the way...

i find myself wondering every time i go into the bathroom whether i will find that i've got my period after all. it's not that i'm paranoid--because i am ok with that if it happens--but it is a strange feeling to be so "on the lookout" for it for the opposite reason i am used to.

matt took it really well last night. he just seemed confused, like me... he didn't freak out at all. i was glad for that, though i realized i was secretly hoping he would be overjoyed at the news. i think today he is more settled with it and seems almost happy. almost :)

i'm doing some research on various things and ordering pregnant yoga videos on netflix now...

so yes, today was the day i found out. i haven't told my husband yet because i have no way to get in touch with him, so i'll have to keep the news a secret from everyone else until at least 10pm tonight!

anyway, i'm pretty amazed that just a few weeks ago (i can't be more than 4 weeks pregnant, btw) my body began insisting that i go back to a rawvegan diet ASAP. i've been very quietly determined in my transition back to raw and have been making small changes daily because *something* was telling me i needed to...

i'd also decided that exercise needs to come back into my life.

fascinating, in retrospect, since it seemed to be totally out of nowhere. at least now i have a reason to be committed to my goals, haha.