this is probably too much posting for one day, but i need to get it out. i've had a very emotionally-challenging day!
this morning i went to the OB as planned, and the first thing that ruined the day (other than the fact that i couldn't find the damn place) was that i was quite unpleasantly suprised by its location in the women's center of NFRMC. a freaking hospital, the last place i want to be. there was NO indication of that on their website and i was sure it was an independent practice... so i felt misled and frustrated just walking in the place, but i tried to keep an open mind and let it be what it was going to be. after all, the practice is two midwives and an OB, which i felt i could live with. ha.
so basically all they did was ask me a bunch of questions, take my weight and blood pressure, and check my pee (yes, i am pregnant). everything seemed fine until she said they would do a pap since my last one was 'almost 6 months ago' *gasp* and to check for gonorrhea and chlamydia, and i basically told her there was no need since my husband and i are 100% faithful and i've been with him for 4 years. i tried to assert that i didn't feel it was necessary or desirable, but she didn't agree and her only response was summed as 'well, it's just what we do.' um, no, sorry. i explained how troublesome i find internal exams and that i felt it best for me and the baby to avoid that kind of stress and emotional uproar if possible, so let's only do the pap if i absolutely have to, and she dropped the subject completely, to my confusion. then she told me that at the next appointment they would do an ultrasound to check the gestational age... when i asked if it was 'medically necessary' she sort of uhhhed and ummed until i said "yeah because i don't really think i want that." she was obviously put-off and basically told me i'd have to take it up with the OB (a man whom i have no intention of seeing, considering i went there for the FEMALE MIDWIVES, not the male OB). at that point i decided i needed to be clear about my reasons for being there, both because she assumed i'd be back every month for an appointment and because she didn't want to answer my questions... so i let her know very honestly that i was not sure i'd actually be coming back, that i was trying to decide how best to treat my prenatal care, and was considering the birth center but wanted to check in with a doctor just because, and right about then she quite obviously lost interest in talking with me. so i left feeling misunderstood, judged, and definitely not happy. i'm not going back there.
for the next two hours my mom and i ate chopstix and watched 'the business of being born'--can you tell i love it yet?--because i wanted her to see what i was trying to explain to her... having birthed so long ago and under such different circumstances than there are today in doctor attitudes, patient perceptions, and litigation fears from hospitals, i didn't feel that she really understood why i am so adamant about doing things "my way." she wasn't grasping the way the system works these days, and how there really aren't choices anymore, and doctors don't just stand by and let women have babies the way they used to. so we watched it, and she was definitely moved and i felt like she got it afterwards. and on we went to the birth center for our orientation.
it was perfect. everything about that place feels r i g h t. i had to fight off tears while we were all listening to the midwife explain things because i just wanted to hug her and say thank you and scream about how i want to birth there... her energy was like walking into a quiet sunlit wood early in the morning... but i was also really stressed and uptight and reserved because i still don't know if they will end up letting me be their client. it's so indescribably difficult to have ALL my hopes pinned on one thing like this. i could not bear a hospital birth with doctor-folk, knowing there are gentle, confident, compassionate women at places like the birth center. the baby gave me a very clear message that it wants to be at the birth center, though, so i am hoping with everything i have that that means it will work out. maybe i will get lucky.
after these two opposite experiences combined with watching the film again, i have been an emotional wreck today. so many tears for so many different reasons... i wish matt could've been there. i am going to try to get some rest now.
this morning i went to the OB as planned, and the first thing that ruined the day (other than the fact that i couldn't find the damn place) was that i was quite unpleasantly suprised by its location in the women's center of NFRMC. a freaking hospital, the last place i want to be. there was NO indication of that on their website and i was sure it was an independent practice... so i felt misled and frustrated just walking in the place, but i tried to keep an open mind and let it be what it was going to be. after all, the practice is two midwives and an OB, which i felt i could live with. ha.
so basically all they did was ask me a bunch of questions, take my weight and blood pressure, and check my pee (yes, i am pregnant). everything seemed fine until she said they would do a pap since my last one was 'almost 6 months ago' *gasp* and to check for gonorrhea and chlamydia, and i basically told her there was no need since my husband and i are 100% faithful and i've been with him for 4 years. i tried to assert that i didn't feel it was necessary or desirable, but she didn't agree and her only response was summed as 'well, it's just what we do.' um, no, sorry. i explained how troublesome i find internal exams and that i felt it best for me and the baby to avoid that kind of stress and emotional uproar if possible, so let's only do the pap if i absolutely have to, and she dropped the subject completely, to my confusion. then she told me that at the next appointment they would do an ultrasound to check the gestational age... when i asked if it was 'medically necessary' she sort of uhhhed and ummed until i said "yeah because i don't really think i want that." she was obviously put-off and basically told me i'd have to take it up with the OB (a man whom i have no intention of seeing, considering i went there for the FEMALE MIDWIVES, not the male OB). at that point i decided i needed to be clear about my reasons for being there, both because she assumed i'd be back every month for an appointment and because she didn't want to answer my questions... so i let her know very honestly that i was not sure i'd actually be coming back, that i was trying to decide how best to treat my prenatal care, and was considering the birth center but wanted to check in with a doctor just because, and right about then she quite obviously lost interest in talking with me. so i left feeling misunderstood, judged, and definitely not happy. i'm not going back there.
for the next two hours my mom and i ate chopstix and watched 'the business of being born'--can you tell i love it yet?--because i wanted her to see what i was trying to explain to her... having birthed so long ago and under such different circumstances than there are today in doctor attitudes, patient perceptions, and litigation fears from hospitals, i didn't feel that she really understood why i am so adamant about doing things "my way." she wasn't grasping the way the system works these days, and how there really aren't choices anymore, and doctors don't just stand by and let women have babies the way they used to. so we watched it, and she was definitely moved and i felt like she got it afterwards. and on we went to the birth center for our orientation.
it was perfect. everything about that place feels r i g h t. i had to fight off tears while we were all listening to the midwife explain things because i just wanted to hug her and say thank you and scream about how i want to birth there... her energy was like walking into a quiet sunlit wood early in the morning... but i was also really stressed and uptight and reserved because i still don't know if they will end up letting me be their client. it's so indescribably difficult to have ALL my hopes pinned on one thing like this. i could not bear a hospital birth with doctor-folk, knowing there are gentle, confident, compassionate women at places like the birth center. the baby gave me a very clear message that it wants to be at the birth center, though, so i am hoping with everything i have that that means it will work out. maybe i will get lucky.
after these two opposite experiences combined with watching the film again, i have been an emotional wreck today. so many tears for so many different reasons... i wish matt could've been there. i am going to try to get some rest now.
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