september mama

"i don't wanna eat grabiolies!"


(translation: "mom, that ravioli clearly contains meat and you are NOT tricking me into eating anything slathered with tomato sauce. nice try.")

so i haven't even started my new job yet, and i'm already privy to some mini-dramas/conflict. and i thought i was escaping all that... ! really though, it just boils down to one very cranky woman in a position of not-that-much relevance to anyone else. so it shouldn't affect me often.

related to this, i HEART our amazing IT woman. yes, our IT guy is a woman. woot! she's sharp, witty, personable, and totally adept at her job. we are already friends :).

i haven't posted about animals lately because i haven't had much to say, but we've had some things going on that are worth mentioning. first, my mail-order chickies are growing fast! they're so cute and bouncy, and will shortly be outgrowing the cage i have them in. my three incubated hatchlings are slightly older and are also doing well. james brought me a rooster and hen yesterday who are about full-grown, and i have the two adolescent survivors out of the batch of sick chicks i bought back in march(?). i also have an incubator full of viable pre-chicks! i candled a few of them the other day and i saw kicking fetuses in every one i randomly picked up. so in a few days i will have some brand new hatchlings, totaling my chicken count to something like 40. holy crap.

the problem right now--since we caught the raccoon, fucker--is our ducks. they are BIG, and very, um, reproductively aggressive, which is going to be a serious problem. they attacked our new rooster yesterday, confused as to his sex, and i had to literally grab the ducks and throw them out of the coop to keep them from hurting him. and he was full-grown, much unlike the rest of my flock! i don't really know what to do about this except find a way to confine the ducks and/or get rid of them. i'm not really a fan anyway, but they are matt's project so i will leave it to him to deal with their shenanigans. all i know is if they hurt/maim/kill my chickens they are going in the oven. stat. at least one of the duck hens finally laid an egg the other day (which was promptly eaten by, i presume, crows).

matt is working with a tattoo artist to design a full sleeve for himself, which both makes me happy for him and slightly (so slightly) jealous. i've been toying with the idea of extending my own half-sleeve since i got it, and i know just how i would do it, but i am hesitating due to career issues. more than likely it would never be an issue, but then again, you never know... and i do NOT want to have to wear long-sleeves every day in florida heat. so we'll see. i need to find something spectacular to do for my bigthreeoh birthday, though, and that technically qualifies. :)

the munchkins are lovely, as always, and totally embracing their new caregiver and her kids. i come home and they are happy, rested, fed, and usually playing very intently. it's great. then i get to spend bath time with them and hang out for a little bit before they go to bed at their new, later, bedtime (about 630, lol). rowan has learned how to operate door knobs and greeted me at my bedside the other morning, declaring "i'm awake!" uggggh. so it's time to get those little childproof door knob cover things. i can't have her running around the house while we sleep, or worse, deciding to go outside on her own. liam has mastered the walker and is so funny as he runs through the house with his arms held out, propelled in a nearly-uncontrolled fashion by legs that are just starting to cooperate. he's going to be walking really soon.

oh, totally random product review: tom's of maine unscented deodorant (aluminum free) is awesome!! i usually use the lavender stuff that i bought a few years ago, but it doesn't really work over more than a few hours, but this stuff ROCKS. it says "24 hour" and it is. i don't have much of an issue with stink, thankfully, but what little there is has been quashed by this stuff. love.

i need to buy a bunch of cardigans and some prints for my office, but i have to wait for the monies :(.

i think i am satisfied now--i.e., i won't need to keep writing about hair for a little while, at least. i can move on to other things because i love how the bleach experiment turned out!

voyez:




these photos also serve to mitigate the uber-masculine vibe given off by the last pics i posted... it's much more feminine with the highlights and also with my bangs brushed gently aside rather than forced over.

end transmission.

this girl is my hair idol. normally i would feel awkward and/or guilty over blatantly stealing someone else's hairstyle, but since she lives in NYC and is in a much cooler reality than i am, i don't. i've got some foils in my hair bleaching the fun in as i write this.


my hair is not as dark as hers and i'm doing a significantly smaller chunk (to start with?!), so it should be a more subtle effect, which suits me better. i basically cut off all my sun highlights when i hacked off the length, so i am left with a duller, more solid color than i am used to and i've been wanting to perk it up a bit... this will do it! just in time for the new job next week :).

by the way, this is the final cut (until next time)... i'll have to take post-highlight pics later. see what i mean about dull? i have a lot of red that you can't see in that light, but it's still very boring and uniform...

amid all the bustle of rowan's birth back in 09, i never really got to address the death of my grandmother in journal format. something in me is needing to do it now.

my grandmother, evelyn joanne, for whom rowan was named, was the matriarch of our large and close family. she was the center of our collective universe. warm, spunky, open, and multi-talented in art, gardening, video games, and crafts... she was never disagreeable to anyone but her husband, and that mostly in jest. you couldn't fool her to save your life--she was too observant, too quick, and too full of common sense. she was also beautiful, even just before she died after being long-ill with COPD. my grandmother was the one person any of us--her 4 children, plus 3 by marriage, and 9 grandchildren--could talk to without any fear of judgment, anger, or anything but love and acceptance. she was the most amazing woman i have ever known.

her death was impossibly hard on all of us... there is really no way to describe the barren, lost, and sorrowful feeling that we have all come to live with. my mother still struggles daily. i know that her loss is greater than mine when i think about what it will someday be like to lose her; i don't know what i will do. a mother is a figure of unspeakable importance that i did not truly understand until my own lost hers.

she has been telling me lately, through tears, that i look just like my grandmother; maybe that is where this is coming from. i see what she means, but in truth i am only a pale shadow of her sparkling self. i am privileged to have inherited pieces of her jewelry, some of her clothes, and other random things from her life, and when i wear them (which i do), i am proud. it makes me feel closer to her... i sometimes think i can feel her nearby... i get the sense that she has peeked into my life and is nodding with loving approval. it is a rare comfort, but welcome.

it makes me so sad that she never knew about kai, or liam, or aria... she held rowan once, literally on her deathbed, and it was a moment unlike any i have ever witnessed. a frustrated, crying infant of 3 weeks going silent and peaceful at the touch of her great-gradmother's fragile, shaking hands. they looked in each other's eyes for a long time, gazing through four generations of first-born women. we all watched, amazed at rowan's obvious enthrallment with a putative stranger. there was a photo of this amazing moment on my dad's cell phone, until my mom accidentally put it through the wash... needless to say, she was more devastated than anyone over it.

i have regret, also, which my mother shares. in her last year or so, my grandmother had changed; whether it was a result of the medications she was on, or the illness itself, or the anxiety that accompanied it, she was not herself. she was constantly fearful, depressed, slightly confused, and often angry... she obsessed over things, and repeated conversations too many times, and was just not the same person that i had always known. because of this, she was frustrating to be around, and i let that get in the way of spending more time with her. i let myself be angry with her for changing. my mother did too (we talked about it while it was happening). now, i think back and just wish i would have ignored it, given her more love, and been there in any way i could have for her. it's not entirely true, but i have a very clear memory of throwing attitude and open frustration at her at my baby shower for rowan, and that has stuck with me so strongly and hurts so much. i was short with her and annoyed by her confusion and i hate myself for that. it wasn't the last time i saw her, but it might as well have been... the next times were while she was in hospice, deciding to die. i hate myself for being anything less than caring with her.

it is hard to lose anyone, but in this case our family has lost the greater part of its glue. we still gather every holiday and see each other at random intervals--we are all essentially neighbors--but there is always a palpable absence. a hole. my mother has taken on the administrative role of matriarch, and does a good enough job, but she can never and will never try to be a true substitute for her mother. my mom is guarded, somewhat judgmental, and not unconditionally warm; my grandmother was the opposite. i miss her so much. we all do.

of all the things i have wished for in my life, i wish the most that my grandmother could see my children and be part of their lives. i wish that every single day.

i hope she can hear me.

note to self: subway fucking SUCKS! don't buy it. even if it is the only place to get food on campus during break week... you'd rather be hungry. stale bread+weak toppings+poorly structured sandwich=suck.

ugh, my eyes are bleeding from staring at the same annoying document all day. and all day yesterday. and i can look forward to doing another one on friday! i am rather looking forward to a day off tomorrow, even if it does mean doing chores.

at the risk of rambling on and boring even myself, let's talk more about new hair. this cut i created is lending itself most ideally to the kind of styles i have never done before--choppy, edgy, jagged, and brushed forward. it feels a little weird when i look in the mirror, because while i like it, i don't see it as "my" style (yet?). i need to work on the cut so i can pull off something a little more romantic and effortless, as despite the numerous visible tattoos on my body, i don't really consider myself "edgy." i think i am going to shorten the crown section (esp around the forehead/bangs) and let the rest grow a bit to more closely approximate the pic in the post below. i do love her hair. now that i think about it, her hair is actually a reallreallyreally subtle
mullet. HA! and so i revisit the days of my youth.*

"with short hair you begin to crave pearl necklaces, long earrings, and a variety of sunglasses. and you brush your teeth more often. short hair removes obvious femininity and replaces it with style...short hair makes you aware of subtraction as style. you can no longer wear puffed sleeves or ruffles [says who?!]; the neat is suddenly preferable to the fussy. you eye the tweezers instead of the blusher. what else can you take away? you can't hide behind short hair... you may look a little androgynous, a little unfinished, a little bare... but your face is no longer a flat screen surrounded by a curtain: the world sees you in three dimensions."
- joan juliet buck for american vogue, c.1988

i have to argue with the "unfinished" bit, and forgive slightly outdated sensibilities in general (she was writing in 1988!) but otherwise YES. the first thing i did when i cut off my hair was sit down and really edit/shape/polish my eyebrows... of all random things. and i am learning that earrings are an awesome, uber-feminine accessory for me. as are cardigans, which i can never have enough of... anyway.

the devil can take subway, but at least i got a dr. pepper out of it. mmm fountain soda!


*in first grade, i begged and begged my mom to let me have "spiked hair" and she did. so at 6 years old i had a spike-top mullet (which i styled carefully every day) with long hair everywhere else. there are photos. they are funny.

i want this hair! now!!


*drool*

seriously. this chick has a whole crazy flickr album of great hair (all hers). jackpot! :D

i think my length might even be right for it, so i may whip out the scissors yet again...

i am really, really, really enjoying the pixie cut thing. i almost want to say "i'm never going back..." to long hair, but we have learned that 'never' is not an honest word. so: maybe i'm never going back.

some good(?) things have come out of this new-job-preparation state i find myself in. i almost feel a sort of mild nesting impulse, if you can imagine that.

the first thing: terrariums. (yes, that is grammatically correct.) oh. my. word. they are addictive! i realized that because my office has no windows, and less because i work in forestry, i definitely need some plants in my space. but the no-windows thing sort of poses a problem, no? enter MOSS. velvety, otherworldly green, beautiful, beautiful moss. it happens to love shade. so i found a nice little DIY kit on etsy and ordered it for myself. i have a slight obsession with containers--boxes, jars, bottles, etc--so i happened to have a stash of suitable terrarium enclosures on hand... then i went outside into the woods and gathered up rocks, lichen/mushroom-covered branches, and forest trinkets, and last night i assembled it all together into the most amazing, wonderful, dreamy little ecosystems i have ever seen. i am in love. i just want to stare at the moss and shrink myself so i can live inside the jars and roll around on it. (incidentally, i am positive i was a dryad in a previous lifetime...) here's a few pics, but trust me when i tell you they do NOT do justice to these magnificent specimens.

rowan has been doing really well with the potty, until two days ago. she decided to pee on the floor twice in a row, and then again the next day. ?! no idea.

but she watched the french babies dvd a few more times and she was counting in french all by herself, and she came up to me, pointed to the apples, and said "I need a pomme!" :D. she even tried to sing 'mary had a little lamb' in french (marie avait petit mouton, petit mouton, petit mouton) which was totally awesome. so i think we're making progress, and i barely have to do anything... i'm a little worried that the nanny won't be able or interested in keeping up (or maybe she has an atrocious accent), but i guess that comes with the territory.

i'm supposed to bring home dinner and i have no idea what to get. ugh.

and now i appreciate my soon-to-be-had freedom from this job, even if it means twice as many hours a week. i have been doing the kind of job a robot will DEFINITELY be doing in the next 15 years or so, all. freaking. day. i'm having the soul sucked out of me.

copy+paste, then format. 1003950876 times. almost the same information, in exactly the same template. and when i'm done, i get to do it all again for a different document! holy shit.

on top of the mindlessness factor, i'm also having to edit/crop faculty CVs, which, if you know anything about faculty, can be a really touchy task. this is for a big important review and here i am, ms. knows-nothing, hacking away at their decades' worth of high-level academic experience in an effort to make it fit into two pages at 12pt Times New Roman. wow, thanks! i love having that kind of responsibility without any guidance whatsoever.

best part of all, is I ALREADY DID THIS THREE WEEKS AGO--all of it!--but someone failed to tell me back then that "oh, well we have this new template so we should probably use it..." no, they forged ahead with outdated versions not thinking that we might need to re-do all previous work in yet another insane crunch deadline, instead of just doing it right the first fucking time.

oh and by the way, THANKS for going out of town and not even letting me know, when we have this huge deadline that you still haven't given me a date for. it makes resigning really simple when i don't even have to look you in the eye. *sarcasm*

((starting to think this is an effort to make myself feel better for leaving them... at least if i'm mad i can't feel guilty, right? but it is all true nonetheless))
arrrgh!

well... i wasn't planning on doing this until the kids were a bit older, but an opportunity arose that i just couldn't let pass, and now i find myself preparing to start a full-time job.

fuck.

i mean, it's a really amazing situation--better than i would have dared hope for--so i really have nothing to complain about. except the kids. i am so, so, so dreading leaving them for multiple full-days each week. to the point that i almost called the whole thing off; great salary, flexible hours, cake job, and all.

they are going to let me work 4 days @ 10hrs each so that i can be home 3 days/week(!!!), after an intial let's-get-going 8 to 5 run. because matt is also a state employee, our health insurance is going to be $15 a month instead of over $200. i'll get ample vacation leave. i'll be on salary (i.e., no time clock). i'll have a closed-door office that i can decorate as i please. and yes, i will have some mental and social stimulation while doing something i am really good at and people openly appreciate me for.

but (oh the huge BUT)... this is a major sacrifice and it is scaring the hell out of me. i just tentatively hired a stranger with two kids of her own to come to my house and care for the loves of my life. without me. ((they need me! don't they?)) i know millions of mothers struggle with this every single day, and my plight is not unique, but bollocks this hurts. how does a mother leave her newborn when maternity leave ends? i cannot imagine.

i have sought counseling from the only other working mom i know, and she assures me that the time i am with them will be all the more special once i start working, because there won't be all the time that i now spend trying to do chores around them, or whatever. and that is a good point. i spend a lot of our daily time doing maintenance work for them, managing liam's mischief, making food, and trying to clean/work/whatever around them. we don't have a whole lot of really 'quality' time, other than in brief moments here and there. so i can see what she means... but still. is it better to be there more but slightly distracted or less and fully attentive? i am going to miss them so fucking much.

it will be very good for rowan to (finally!) get to play with a little girl, and she got along marvelously with both kids and immediately took to their mother, which i take as a great sign. (we interviewed one other mom+kids and rowan was NOT into them. it was obvious.) liam too, of course--he was all smiles and her kids played with him as much as with rowan. so yes, it will be good for them, and at least they will get to be comfortable and secure in their own home... but rowan is going through a mommy-withdrawal stage where she clings to me on my return and then worries--i can see it in her face--about when i will leave again. i am afraid this might subtly scar her emotionally. really.

another but: this basically means that breastfeeding will not be increasing after all. there is no way i can get my supply up working 5 days/week. i'm not even going to try. we will continue to nurse in the morning (if he's awake) and evening as long as he wants to, but i don't expect to actually provide much in the way of nutrition... though at least i can provide comfort. i will be doubly sad when that relationship ends, because now i feel like it is mostly my fault... and i'm sorry to say i expect the end is just around the corner.

i am excited about the job, i am... i'm just in a terribly depressed funk that i pray to the gods passes quickly. i'd like to say it's just hormones but the fact is this is a totally justified emotion and i am not exaggerating. women are taught to force away their maternal feelings in favor of what society expects of them, no matter how unnatural... i'm not going to do that. it's a fucked up and horrible thing to have to leave (/abandon) your children and i plan to feel it until i don't anymore.

*sob*

edited to add:
in addition to all my stress/worry/sadness over the kids, i forgot to mention that i am feeling like a total asshole with regards to my boss, who just a few weeks ago asked me pleadingly whether i was planning to stick around for a while, because "we can't do this without you." so. guilt? yes. more guilt? oh yes.

i gave my notice today (via email, while the poor guy is traveling!) and i just feel ill over it. i know they will be ok but i hatehatehate causing a ruckus and making other peoples' lives more difficult. sigh.