september mama

*posted from draft written 5/24, no edits*

our family now consists of three people... rowan evelyn was born on may 16th at 12:45pm (she's a taurus with aquarius moon and leo ascendant!). she's perfect, gorgeous, healthy, happy, and strong as the ox under which she was born--seriously, the kid's a week old and she holds her head independently already and practically jumps out of our arms with her strong little legs.

one day old:

she's a really, really adorable baby, and i swear it's not just because she's mine! she only cries when she's having gas issues or wants to eat; the rest of the time she is peaceful and interactive and completely lovable. she's awesome.

we have been at home since monday night (18th) and every night has been better than the last in terms of her sleeping habits: monday she was up every hour in a cycle of cry-eat-sleep, tuesday she

*was "to be continued" but decided to write a new update instead*

by which i mean desperate! i'm 40 weeks + 4 days today.

my cervix is ready, my home is ready, my brain is ready, and i'm having random sporadic contractions so apparently my uterus is ready... but rowan is still hanging in there. why?!

i know this isn't a question of dates--i've gone into that topic before ad nauseum, she's right on time--so i do not understand why she's waiting. i have run out of things to do around the house but we don't have the money for me to go be frivolous (instead i take a LOT of walks through the trail) but it's not boredom that's killing me (though i am bored); at this point i just want to meet her. now.

i've been talking to her trying to convince her it's time. i've been using the pump trying to stimulate contractions. i've been eating loads of pineapple, walking miles, visualizing the birth, ANYthing i can do to try to say "hey, it's time!" and here she sits.

yes, i'm whining. i want my baby!

and there is another... concern... regarding the fact that she's still in there. the birth center can only let us go until the 25th (42 weeks exactly) before we have to transfer to a hospital birth. but they don't really intend to do that, so if we get to 42 we will have a dilemma: either let the midwives break my water (artificial rupture of membranes-AROM) and attempt a birth at the birth center, which may end in transfer anyway, or accept that i will be birthing at AGH instead. this sounds like a no-brainer, but in fact it is a huge decision. to allow AROM is to put myself on a 24-hour timer; if we don't have a baby before that, i will be forced to go to AGH anyway, and will most likely end up a c-section because of the way the medical system works. however, if i decide to accept a past-42-weeks birth at AGH instead (and have no AROM) i may end up with a better chance of having a natural labor in the end. but it would be at the hospital, and we will probably have to fight for everything i want as far as natural birth goes. and the midwives, if they are even willing to attend me, will be sidelined as onlookers and nothing more. so. i get the distinct feeling that the midwives have no doubt they will be breaking the water if it comes down to it, but i am not so sure i want that. (sidenote: i have no idea what AGH/doc's protocol for "postterm" induction is--he can't force me to be induced but it's possible that they don't "let" moms go past 42 either and would fully expect to start a medical induction--pitocin, prostaglandins, AROM, or some combination--the same day anyway. if that is the case, the plot thickens further.)

i honestly don't think we will go that far (in part because i am NOT having a gemini baby--come the 18th i will be taking every herb known to man and doing my own acupuncture in attempt to "naturally" induce her), but it's something on my mind this week. as per protocol i am scheduled for a non-stress test and biophysical profile next wednesday so they can make sure the fluid levels are ok, she's "breathing" well, the placenta is good, etc, which basically just means i get an ultrasound and have electronic monitors strapped to my belly for an hour. should be great fun i'm sure. though i do have a sense of guilty excitement that i will get to see her again, even just on a screen. we'll know for sure that she is a she this time! (sorry rowan, i know you hate the ultrasound machine...)

i am going to try to put all my energy into willing us into labor tonight, and if need be, tomorrow. if anyone reads this, p l e a s e send me "labor vibes!" imagine me having contractions, imagine me in pain, imagine rowan WANTING OUT--whatever you have to do to add to the collective power of positive thinking. lol.

*sigh*

edit on posting: my water broke the night i wrote this. never doubt the power of the mind over the body!

last night was the full moon. i'm still pregnant.

we went to see cirque du soleil "saltimbanco" yesterday though, which was pretty cool... matt is obsessed with that show and now all he can talk about is how he wants to work for them and how he's scrapping his plan to make rowan "a lesbian woodworker" in favor of training her to be an acrobat starting at the age of 2. it's funny that he thinks he will have ANY say over who or what she becomes. i don't have the heart to burst his bubble... he'll learn. daughters don't work that way, especially considering she's coming from the two of us, neither of whom really fit the mold our parents might have hoped for us. lol.

it IS really inspiring to see the performers' bodies, though. really makes me look forward to pushing my own body toward its betterment ASAP. people just assume it's too hard to get into peak shape but it isn't... it's really just a matter of repetition and commitment. if you are serious you can completely restructure your body. we're adaptable like that, given the will power to follow through. matt has been talking about joining the dojo recently too--i think not having the police academy to force him to work out is making him miss the exercise.

anyway the show was great, but the o'connell center really, really sucks. and we were surrounded by old folks with too much perfume on and children who wouldn't shut up. i'm just glad i finally got to see the show, and i know matt is too. a pity it didn't induce labor like i hoped the loud music and crowd might...

i'm not sure if i ever posted true "before and after" pics of rowan's room, so here you go. i love how well it turned out!

BEFORE...



AFTER..!








now we just need the stinkin' baby to put in it... *sigh*

...is today. nothing so far. right now she is squirming like a restless toad, butting her head against my organs and making me feel like my cervix might split! she has dropped way down now, so much that i can actually tell where my stomach is now situated.

i had an appointment this morning and i let the midwife do an internal exam (she offered and i said what the hell) to see "where i'm at" and to my (lack of suprise and) happiness i am "ripe and ready" though not dilated. apparently i'm effaced as much as i should be given the fact that i'm supposed to give birth any day now. of course that doesn't mean i will, but it's a good sign anyway. she said if i'm still pregnant at my next appointment we will 'talk about ways to get the hormones going' (i.e. herbs and nipple stimulation, basically) because they don't want me hitting 42 weeks and end up in the hospital for a pointless reason. it's frustrating because i really don't want to induce her to be born--even "naturally"--but it is the lesser of two evils when it comes down to it. i don't expect to need to go there, though, honestly. it feels like she's getting ready in there. oh and i lost another pound, which i guess must be from all the hustling.

tonight we babysat a friend's 9-week old, which was good. matt stuck around the whole time, even through the 45-minutes (was it an hour?) of wailing, the dear. i realized too late that the little one was probably hungry--i lost track of time entertaining him and thought he was just missing his mama--and so matt quickly warmed up the bottle for me while i vainly attempted to soothe him (somehow i ended up covered in my friend's breastmilk when he brought it to me). as soon as he ate he fell right asleep though, which kind of surprised me since i know he's not the easiest sleeper. oh and i changed my first diaper ever, though it was just wet, not stinky. good practice anyway! the little guy is so cute when he's giggly, which he was about 60% of the time.

i really hope rowan is a happy baby who sleeps well. i cannot imagine (though i'm sure i'll find out) the stress of having a discontent infant 24/7... they are just so mysterious. maybe it's different with one's own child, when you know their foibles and preferences and have inside knowledge to figure them out, but with other peoples' babies it's so hard to know how to help them feel better. i am grateful that my patience is what it is, however, because again i wasn't even bothered when he was sobbing terribly, other than to feel sorry that i didn't know how to fix it. i can only assume this is due to the "mothering hormones" because normally screaming in my ear would get really old really fast! lol. matt took it well too, which i was pretty proud of.

anyway. so i'm still hanging out, sitting around, cleaning things that don't need cleaning... basically just waiting. that moon is getting really big though...

that was an unexplainedly awful two days for nothing having come at the end. yesterday i went to the hot tub, stopped by the birth center to ask "wtf?" and was told to drink water, sleep, and have a smoothie, then went home and had a smoothie and slept from 1130-4. yes, all day. matt slept too actually, which i think he really needed as well.

i feel better today, but still a little off, as if my energy is elsewhere; i get tired really easily and my stomach is kind of uncomfortable, and i definitely to not have anything like a normal appetite. oh, and interestingly enough i woke up and my feet actually look like my feet again! i have ankles! there is still very very slight swelling but seriously i had forgotten what my lower legs used to look like, they've been balloons for so long. so i don't know if that means anything, but i'm happy anyway.

i'm finishing the very last thing i need to take care of pre-baby today: putting my laundry away. and oh, what a pile it is. i've put it off way too long and the dryer is completely filled with things i need to sort and hang--blech. but i got matt's all put away earlier, so i'm feeling optimistic about it. it's not an impossible task, however low-energy i may be. i also hope to henna my hair since i've got a 1/4" of blonde shining through on my scalp, but that's far from a critical or energy-consuming task... it's really weird to have all this free time. i would say i don't know what to do with myself, but i always seem to find some way to use it, so it's kinda nice. i'm just not used to it--my normal weekends (aka "free time") are always packed with printing/ironing/packaging shirts, cleaning the house, running errands, and accompanying matt on the random task of the day that i have completely forgotten what it's like to have time to do literally whatever i want. the past two days were devoted to sleeping and feeling icky, but if it keeps up i might even get to read! yikes, i just remembered i owe a friend a haircut, so i will have to fit that in today too just to be safe.

anyway so no rowan yet. i guess she is waiting for the full moon this weekend... but matt has a schedule conflict with that so i hope she doesn't really take that long! this is a "down time" week for the shop, so honestly having her now would be ideal; after this weekend they will be really busy at work. but she seems to have a different agenda *sigh* i see how it is going to be with this one. oh, the taurus. in the year of the ox. :P

the past two days have been quite a new and not exactly pleasant experience. i think i am in labor, actually, but at this rate it will be another 4 days before things get serious enough to produce a baby!

saturday night i decided i needed to go sit in the hot tub at the gym, so i did. while i was in there i had a nice little meditation session and tried to communicate that whenever she's ready it's cool, she can just get things going and i'll do what i need to do. i've finished everything i care about around the house and we're just waiting, so what the heck. i was in there for about an hour, and i left feeling really good. then i met matt at a coffee shop and hung out for a while. on my way home, however, in the car, i started feeling a strange new pain in my belly and thought it might be a weak contraction (this was about 930). the same feeling came and went until around 1130 when i went to bed, but i wasn't sure what it was so i kept telling matt not to get his hopes up! he was awake until 330 with anxiety anyway. i slept great.

then yesterday i woke up and felt like total garbage. vaguely nauseous and with some kind of indigestion, plus i just felt groggy and tired... the whole freaking day was like that. i napped off and on between running errands and then we had dinner with karen and john, throughout which i was more nauseous than i had been. came home and slept some more, then i woke up around 930 and finally threw up everything i had eaten, felt fine for a little while, and went back to bed. after that i can't be sure how many times i got up, took baths, and sat in the rocking chair before i finally gave in and drank some pepto and crashed on the couch. it was a horrible, horrible night. i WAS having contractions off and on, but it was very hard to tell the difference between them and the weird painful gas-like sensation in my abdomen. is it pre-labor or just something i ate?! no idea. but today is not much better, though thankfully i'm not quite nauseous.

i now understand at least a little bit of why labor sucks so much... it's just uncomfortable (and relentless). i don't want to eat, but i feel like i might throw up again if i don't, and i'm exhausted from last night but i can't sleep anymore because i'm now associating discomfort with sleeping. blech. all i can say is thank the gods my house is clean and i have nothing to do today! i'm going back to the gym for the hot tub momentarily and then i will probably try to sleep for the majority of the day, though i should really make a soup or something if i can manage to rouse the energy.

if this is the beginnings of labor, i wish it would get on with it! i've felt great up until yesterday, but i don't think i can take another day of this whiny ick. bring on the real stuff and let's get going already. ugh.