september mama

*whistles* this one is a doozy.

many of my friends, most of whom are serious intellectuals (like, have PhDs or will soon), are child-free and intend to remain that way. i used to consider that kind of life myself, before i got pregnant. i get it.

i even agree that for people who just don't like children, knowing there are a few places in your town (or on vacation) you can go to enjoy your time sans-kids is a great thing. trust me when i say that as a parent, i KNOW how valuable some peace and quiet can be (not that i remember what that's like anymore...).

the issue is that underneath all this catering-to-the-child-free is a very nasty, ugly sentiment that says "children are not worthy." that frightens me on a level i can't really put into words. something along the lines of the motivations of pedophile priests and child abusers... the basic belief people like that MUST carry is that children are a lesser entity. i am not comfortable with that belief going mainstream. kids aren't pets and they certainly aren't second-hand smoke, so don't class them as if they are. like it or not, children are valuable, beautiful human beings and they have rights and thoughts and feelings just like you and they do, in fact, have a place in society.

as for the argument that "more and more people are choosing to remain child-free" and thus the market for anti-child policy is growing, let me suggest that what that really says is: if there are less of them than there are of us, we get the upper hand. it's ok to discriminate against minorities because they are minorities and we don't like them. wtf?! hello progress--not.

whatever you think about having kids or not, the problem is clearly not the children; it's bad parenting. (i blame bad parenting for soooo many things. it is a horrifyingly rampant problem in american society.) so rather than punish the children by exclusion, when in all likelihood they are simply emulating what they see from their parents and/or acting in whatever way is tolerated at home, how about we find constructive ways to improve the average joe's parenting abilities? or build in an embarrassment factor in places such that if your kid is a monster, you are openly asked to leave? if bad parents and their kids aren't even allowed to enter places or be around peers who would otherwise reprimand them for their (in)actions, how are they ever going to learn publicly appropriate behavior?

but i guess the intent is really just to make the breeders and their crotch-fruit stay at home and out of the sight of the first-class citizens as they go about their merry way.

the no-kids-allowed movement is spreading

i read liam's birth story again yesterday and it struck me as very fact-oriented and missing some critical details that i am afraid i will not remember if i don't put them in writing now. so here is an alternative viewpoint on liam's birth, from the perspective of "we know the facts, now what was it really like?"

i remember labor with him being so short--it came on fast, got really intense (but always remained bearable), and once i was in the bath it was as if time just froze for me. i was warm, comfortable minus the contractions, which were, naturally, a force to reckon with, but i never felt like i couldn't do it. with rowan, i remember being in SO MUCH pain, and despite all the "slow dancing" and ball-rocking and open-mouthed O moaning i did, i was constantly on the verge of losing it. i wasn't within myself, as i have mentioned before. with liam's labor, i was relaxed. it had just gotten dark outside and was turning rainy, but i didn't notice... i was in the dark in my bathtub, riding waves of pain and rest, pain and rest. i don't have any recollection of one contraction being worse than another, except once (i'll get into that shortly). i do remember a period of feeling like i had slept--i had no sense of time throughout all this--and then feeling the contractions change and become productive... i felt pushing before my midwife, doula, or mother arrived, but i didn't tell anyone because i was confident that he would come out safely even if i had to do it alone. i had a sense of overwhelming calm and solidity all the way down into every part of me; i was ready for the birth on all levels of my being. i just sat back and let it happen, and i know the reason i was able to do that was because i was left alone... matt checked on me every few minutes, and i had no one else there to bother me, so i could just sit and have my experience without interruption.

when debbie (midwife) and karen (doula) finally arrived, debbie came in to say hello and i had two contractions blend into one such that i was moaning for about 2 minutes straight. she mentioned that wasn't "normal" and i explained it was her fault, at which point she nodded and left the room. she returned to light a few candles and very unobtrusively lay out her supplies on the floor; i didn't even notice her. she never asked to monitor me or do a check of any kind, and i owe her for the courtesy, as i believe it would have greatly impeded my progress to be messed-with like that. i started to feel genuine pushing not long after she arrived.

pushing was unlike anything else in this world--completely terrifying and out of control--and i can easily see why women like Ina May refer to birth in terms of becoming a tigress, or a wolf, or a monkey, or whatever your beast is. i felt like an animal, roaring, mindless, and feeling only the impossible urgency of NOW, of doing, of surviving this process. liam's head emerged ever so slightly and i regained some awareness of myself, enough to reach down and feel the incredibly soft, velvety wonder of his head (i will never forget the way that felt, the downy hair on his round little head drifting in the warm water...). that was the moment it became clear what all this was really about; my baby was coming to meet me and it was really happening. the birth was happening and i hadn't failed. i started to feel proud and strong and so looked forward to the completion of my victory over fear.

no one was speaking through all of this.

a few more 'pushes' during which all i could do was try not to split in half--i know he would have been blasted out, as they say in midwife circles, if i hadn't been breathing and intensely willing liam to slow down his exit. debbie quietly encouraged me to take control and then returned to silence. i felt him emerge further until his head was fully out, and debbie confirmed with me that i would catch him, but i needed to lay back to do so because his body was going to be born with the next push. i flopped back, and she was right: a contraction and he flowed out of me into the water, into my hands, accompanied by what i recall was a lot of yelling (but am i told i did no such thing).

debbie helped me get a better hold on him amongst the rush of relief and gratitude and disbelief that i did it, that it was over, that i had a baby and a homebirth and nobody bothered me... it was very dark but i remember his shocking whiteness, his squinting eyes, his impossibly, beautifully round head, and his quiet. i think he may even have been sleeping through the birth. i held him in the water with me to keep him warm, and i laughed and cried. i remember matt looking as much in disbelief as i felt. of course my mother was crying (partly from joy and partly from sorrow at missing the actual emergence) and karen was a quiet cheerleader of my triumph. liam was small and white and seemed as shocked as i was to see him, but he didn't cry until he was wrapped in a towel and given to matt while i tried to birth the placenta and exit the tub.

the three of us got in bed, and i remember feeling some intense burning/pain in the netherparts, but otherwise great, even normal. i still hadn't birthed the placenta, but i had liam and he was thinking about nursing. it took him a little while to go for it, but once he did he seemed content. the placenta came out, we all sat and talked and took liam's measurements, and eventually i had a shower, my mom and karen left, and debbie closed up shop to go home. i think matt and i were in bed, with liam next to us in the cradle, by 130am.

the next morning when rowan woke up, she was greeted with a new brother and has loved him without hesitation ever since. i am sure she cannot remember a time when he wasn't part of her life... it is hard for me, as well.

oh yes, yes! rants from mommyland is going on my bookmarks bar.

check it out (excerpted from the post linked above):

Domestic Enemies of the New Mom
...
Veteran Moms
Don't get me wrong. You Veteran Mommies are often our saving grace with your wealth of knowledge and experience. But, can I be honest with you? It seems like the further away from that first year a mom gets, the more she forgets how difficult it can be. (Probably because she's focusing on how damn hard it is to be the mother of a toddler or 5 year old or...teenager.) A VM is often the person behind the phrase "Just you wait..." And let me tell ya, VMs: that phrase is not nice and needs to be removed from everyone's vocabulary. VMs have a tendency to brush off some of our New Mom problems because they know in the end it will all be okay. And maybe it will be. But, listen, New Moms? We don't know that. And we could use a little validation here. Or at least a hug. Or a drink. Also, if one more VM tells me to "sleep when he sleeps," I. am. going. to. square. up.
...

Exhaustion/Mommy Brain
This is another universal enemy, but New Moms also struggle with the belief delusion that it will eventually go away. HA. My baby slept through the night consistently starting at once he turned 8 weeks old, but I'm still trying to make up for those 8 weeks. I'm guessing that I'll finally start to feel well-rested again around the time my son and his wife ask me to babysit their kid. Of course, by then I'll be able to consider myself a Veteran Mommy and I'll be all like, "BRING IT, KIDS."

these ladies have a wicked sense of humor and a really fun site. score!

IUDs are always scary (at least, the non-hormonal copper kind like i have) because you're told that cramping and bleeding tend to increase, on top of other potential complications with regards to insertion. when you are like me, and have lived long years with excruciating menstrual cramps for 12-24 hours every month, "increased cramping" is not really an option. but i went for it anyway, because short of matt going under the knife, it's the only kind of birth control that was ever going to work for us. i never had much issue with heavy or long-lasting bleeding, so that didn't concern me.

6+ months and three periods later, i can say WOW! the menstrual cramping thus far has been laughable considering what i used to endure (it's likely that pregnancy alleviated it for me). sure, there's a little lower backache and some minimal cramp-like feelings, but i could endure without medication. and i'm finding my usual 4-5 day periods are now more like 6, but even that is nothing. the really interesting thing, for me, is that i have developed very distinct ovulation pains for about 3 days each month. i'm keeping detailed calendar records so that i can pinpoint my ovulation day and get better at predicting the arrival of my period. women are "supposed" to have 14-day luteal phases, but it looks like mine is more like 9-10 days (that is, 9-10 days after i feel the 'ovulation pain' i should expect my period). we'll see if it gets more exact as time goes on.

also IUD-related, still no problems with it, ah, interfering in the act. which is always nice.

in other news, rowan is using the potty (as least for pee)! she was 5/5 yesterday with NO accidents. the day before, too. she has been off-and-on for months, as i have mentioned before, but this time it was 2 days of 'i need to use the potty' right after peeing in her diaper, so we did it, and the next day she caught it before she went, and asked for her "pantypants," and we've been off diapers during the day ever since. she said "NO DIAPERS!" yesterday, and it was great.

as for liam, i have a strong feeling that Luvs are giving him a rash. he's never worn anything but the all-natural diaper types until now, and suddenly he has a horrendous rash on his butt. he's in pain, too. we're going to do some trial and error to figure it out, but in the meantime he hates diaper changes. also he is cutting the next set of FOUR teeth all at once, so it might be the yucky poo irritating him :(.

i caught a raccoon last night in the trap--probably the one that killed all our chickens--so i am hoping that problem is over. at least until next spring. i have 22 chicks coming in the mail this week!

though i should correct my title and call it... "more lactation," to be accurate. i'm still producing milk, though only in tiny amounts. liam is still nursing, though not often more than twice a day (and really only for comfort). but, i have been watching him closely and there were several times yesterday where he crawled over to me, climbed my legs and asked me to pick him up because he wanted to nurse. i also noted his disappointment when all he got was a few drops. so: he is not ready yet. and neither am i.

call it last baby syndrome or whatever you like, he's not even a year old and we still have time for him to be a baby a little bit longer. (don't worry, i am not one of those women who never lets 'the baby' of the family grow up; i just want to enjoy him a little bit longer until he is ready to grow up.) rowan's last nursing experience was on mother's day 2010, a week before her 1st birthday, and she never batted an eye... i am sure i will know when liam is ready.

all this to introduce the goal of seriously increasing my fast-waning milk supply for the benefit of the breastfeeding relationship. it's only partly about the milk production, as he eats any/all food and quite enjoys the raw milk from our grass-fed jersey cow that i give him. so: on with it.

my only genuine concerns--which are quickly brushed aside in favor of enjoying liam's infanthood longer--relate to the sex drive which has finally started to return and to the weight which has finally, slowly, begun to come off in proportion to the drop in milk supply. but a few more months won't kill me (or matt).

i am linking some relactation resources in my stash (see right) but these are the basic guidelines under which i am working (this may be different depending on situation; my baby is older and we have been full-time nursing since birth):
1) pump or nurse every 2-3 hours on the dot - they say 15 or 20 min, but i'm doing 10 because i will primarily be pumping at work
2) after a few days, add in the fenugreek for an extra boost. 2 pills 2x a day.
2.5) eat lots of oatmeal, which i already do. it can up supply by a surprising amount.
3) remember that the menstrual cycle* will create a varying supply over the month!


i officially started this morning, so i can look forward to work days filled with intermittently locked doors, awkward and slightly paranoid undressing in my "office," and shared refrigerators containing bottles of breast milk that freak out coworkers. ah, motherhood. whatever, it's worth it.


*right, i never mentioned this. i got the first monthly visit when liam was 7mo. remind me to post about it re: IUD...

i'm going to make a conscious effort to write regularly now. for my own sake, so that when i want to look back i actually have something to look at.

liam is fully mobile lately, and stands up every chance he gets. a few days ago i caught him as he pulled himself to stand next to rowan's bed, then grabbed a toy and did it with no hands! i'm thinking he will be walking before his birthday... i've been experimenting with letting him swim underwater, since he seems to have no fear of the water and can hold his breath when dunked.

rowan is still anti-potty for the most part, but she is getting enough cognitive ability that i think i'm going to start pushing her a little bit more. as for swimming, a few weeks ago she fell off the top step in my parents' pool, and came up without choking (meaning she had held her breath)... she cried for a few seconds but i made a huge fuss about what a big girl she was for swimming all by herself, and the tears turned into pride pretty quickly. but she still doesn't want to leave the steps. she is going to be a lot more work in terms of encouraging her to take risks. liam will be the total opposite, ha.

matt received a shift change as of tomorrow; he'll be working 4pm-12am with tues/wed off. that is going to be... interesting. on the days i'm home, he will be trying to sleep in until 10am or so with the kids running around (after waking up at 630am). on days i work, i won't really see him at all. i have to say i am rather looking forward to some 'alone time' in the evenings, in which to knit, or work on computer stuff, or just not cook dinner... but it will be weird to go to sleep without him almost every night. weird and unpleasant. i hope it works well for him in terms of getting things done at home, though. he used to be a total night owl, so maybe this will be comfortable for him after the initial adjustment period. we should theoretically save a bunch of money on movie rentals, too, since we will only have two nights per week in which to watch something uninterrupted. we'll see. soon enough it will change again and he'll be on 12-hour shifts... then i will really never see him. sigh.

some milk production drama happened but i don't feel like explaining it; butters is doing well and we are getting a gallon a day. our chicken situation, however, fucking sucks. all our adults were killed (but the ducks remain unharmed). the babies that i mentioned in the last post died--9 of 12 of them--of a sickness which is apparently highly contagious and re-infectable. so i can't keep the 3 who survived, because they will pass it on to any new birds we get. wtf. so right now i technically have no chickens, and it sucks. (as soon as i get rid of these 3 i will be ordering some new chicks.) i do have a batch of 9 eggs incubating, and if i can believe what i see while candling, they are all developing nicely. i'm excited about that because those were the last few eggs from our now-deceased chickens, so i'm glad to potentially have some progeny of the good birds. i'll be ordering chicks to arrive about the time the eggs are due to hatch (july 19).

speaking of milk production, work has ruined mine. i was doing great, pumping 6-8oz at work and nursing plenty... and then suddenly shit went to hell. i'm not really sure how/why. but i know that liam gets bored nursing (let-down too slow lately) and wants an instant-gratification bottle and i am failing miserably at pumping ever, let alone regularly. i started taking fenugreek but so far all it has done is make me smell like syrup. not necessarily in a good way. i was reading up on relactation, though, and it sounds like if i just stick with a 2-hour nurse or pump schedule for a week or so i should be fine to reestablish supply. i wouldn't even care about weaning except that liam is clearly not ready to stop sucking milk out of things, so i would prefer that it be me if that is the case. granted, i am giving him homegrown raw milk in those bottles, and he eats food abundantly, but since he wants to nurse i need to be able to provide the milk. trouble is, bottles are so EASY; plop him in bed, hand him a bottle, and done. none of this 'baby is sleeping in my arms gotta slide him gently into bed without waking him" frustration. laziness prevails despite the best intentions, sometimes.

what else? my new niece, aria, is adorable and growing very fast. kai has been given the 'a-ok' by several doctors, including his ophthalmologist, which was a surprise. he is normal on all the scales, and will grow out of whatever slight delays may be holding him back. it's shocking, frankly. i realize there may be emotional/behavioral differences that surface as time goes on, but apparently hope is strong. if i had to compare him to rowan (speechwise), i would say he is where she was at about 13-14 months (he is technically 19.5 months now), just starting to use understandable words. he's a sweet little kid and has so far been very good with his baby sister.

the grapes are starting to ripen on the vines in the yard...