trauma revisited: reflections

"labor and birth unfold within a
complex, infinite web,
Spun by the mother,
And by everyone who has ever taught her
about mothering, birth, sexuality, pain,
control, and surrender.
All the people at her birth
helped spin the web with threads from
their histories, beliefs, experiences, fears...
and recent birth experiences that they have witnessed,
which empowered
or terrified them."
-pam england, birthing from within, p.151

i'll start there. last night i learned that matt has no idea that i still suffer from what happened with rowan's birth (i really hate calling it a "birth"). we were on a different subject, about taking babies to the chiropractor, actually, and he started ranting about what a fad things like that are, that we've been around for thousands of years without chiropractors and kids don't need that, and it's all a bunch of hippie crap just like this homebirth thing--he apparently feels that a lot people want homebirths because it's the "in" thing and not because they think it's safer, etc... so naturally i said "well i hope you know i am not one of those people" (whether they exist in reality or not) "because having been at rowan's birth i would think you know perfectly well why i won't let that happen again." his response has been lost in my memory because part of the sentence contained the following phrase, which wiped out anything else he might have said:

"you couldn't give birth"

there is no way for me to describe how it felt to hear him say that. when i recovered my powers of speech, i told him how much it hurt and how that IS THE PROBLEM and how i let everyone else make the decisions and push me into things i should have refused, and he said a few key things (after explaining he did not mean that i was defective or incapable, but that the cord issues made it impossible for me to birth her. irrelevant as far as i am concerned--which is another problem for me.):
- he said that i was "blaming everybody else" for the interventions (meaning they were necessary and i shouldn't be regretting them)
- and then he said that it "wasn't my fault" (i hear: my body just couldn't do it)
- and something about how if we had been at home we might not have known about cord issues, etc, and it might have been worse.

my emotional response to all this misunderstanding on his part is that i failed to educate him properly on what really happened, what should have happened, and what could have happened. i realized later that the only time he has heard me talk about rowan's birth (and its effect on me) was 48hrs post-hospital, when we "debriefed" with our midwife. i was distraught then, understandably, but he has never known that i continued to be distraught ever since. i feel... sad... that i never talked to him about it, that he didn't know, and now cannot understand why i feel the way i do about homebirth and the rest of it. i think he thinks i'm just being stubborn. he has no idea how much of 'me' is spent thinking about birth. he has told me that he doesn't think i'm passionate about anything--when i argued that birth is my passion, he had no idea what i was talking about. i guess in the process of having a baby and having the economic responsibilities fall solely on him (read: he's always working, like it or not), i stopped sharing his really important part of myself with him. or maybe i just didn't want to say it out loud, and now it's too late to try to help him understand. tomorrow night, when we talk to debbie, will be enlightening for him. if it doesn't just make him think i'm more of an emotional nutcase than he already knows i am.

in labor with rowan i was surrounded by people who have seen the good and the bad of birth, but people whose strongest emotion, for the most part, was worry. my parents were a mess. matt was in pain himself and worried about me. the midwife is a generally sort of worried person. karen and the birth assistant were the only calm, confident ones there--both of whom have given birth several times. (my mom is the queen of worries, birth-experienced* or not.) i don't blame any of them for anything, but the atmosphere does reflect who is in it.**

control was an issue. i think i have addressed this before. i wanted, dreamed, imagined, etc that my birth would be totally without control--that it would happen, and i would ride the wave and become birth without steering or being guided by anything but my instincts. oh, how wrong i was. i didn't know just how restrictive the "minor" rules would be; take this castor oil now, doppler every few minutes, BP/heart rate check every few minutes, time to get out of the tub, time to eat something, PUSH, time's up we're going to the hospital... then control really got involved. i had none. i wanted none, but i most definitely didn't want them to have it, either. i wanted to be at nature's mercy, and i experienced the absolute polar opposite.

i have always been good at surrender. i am by no means a submissive person, but i am more than capable of "letting go" in terms of allowing for gray-areas, releasing tensions, living in limbos of various kinds, with questions unanswered or unasked... which i think helped me manage contractions, and that's it. i was totally relaxed and letting the pain wash over me without holding on to it, but it was that same willingness to NOT FIGHT IT that allowed so many things to go askew with my experience. how was i supposed to give in to the pain and yet argue with my midwife in between contractions? i am not afraid of vulnerability--in fact i value it greatly, at times--but i have learned that it is a slippery slope in labor, with attendants you don't know well enough. my willingness to trust others to be around me at birth is greatly lessened, because i realized that some people, wonderful as they may be, will tend to take advantage whether they mean to or not. i speak of family as well as professionals, here.

i have learned something else as well; what i think is the most important answer to "why did this happen to me?" (other than the zen-master truth 'because it did' which is perfectly valid)... i've learned, very recently, that the most important third of my being, in terms of birthing a child, was absent for rowan's labor. i have never been a very physical person--i lack the strong "embodiment" of most other people, in my own opinion. call it a libra thing (which it is, often), i just don't have a solid grounding anchor to my corporeal self. i'm all emotions and mind, thinking and feeling, and not a whole lot of doing or being. i never have been. the very physical, "real," knitty-gritty bits of existence just don't hold my interest or preference very much. i don't really like my body--it does embarrassing things (just like everyone else's)--and i'm typically more than happy to forget i have to maintain it and deal with it. during rowan's labor, i was out of my body. not literally--it wasn't an OOBE--but i had definitely 'checked out' in my management of contractions, and i never checked back in, even when i needed to most. i had a single urge to push, at a moment when i was totally relaxed in the tub with only karen and/or matt (i can't remember which). that was the moment my body said "oh hey, we're in labor, let me help" before it was promptly ignored again by the other two parts of me that were preoccupied with their own shit. my brain had spent 10 months analyzing and planning and choosing what/where/who/how and my heart had invented a fantasy birth chock-full of spiritual musings, candles, and wonderment, and in the midst of all that, my body--specifically my uterus and vagina--were left out in the cold. yes i did kegels, but come on. i did NO work towards integrating my body or even really focusing on the fact that its role was worth my time. my dreams of having babies i couldn't recall birthing speak to the effect this metaphysical separation had. as does the actual event of her birth, with me numb(ish) and someone else doing it for me. i went into her birth with too many ideas and hopes and not nearly enough CAN DO and physical, visceral knowing. and i had far, far too much anxiety about ending up at the hospital.

if you had asked me, as a midwife once did, what my biggest fear of birth was, i would have said ending up at the hospital. maybe i'd have said a c-sect, but i don't think so. i was so unspeakably horrified at the thought of the hospital that i could not allow myself to consider that it might happen. i was in total denial because the possibility was crushing. i see now what a weakness that was, and though i knew it to be so then also, it paralyzed me at the time. i think a little bit of connecting with my body might have changed that a lot. it sounds strange, but i've always been squeamish about watching births on film--i could never handle crowning or what follows--and even through my pregnancy with rowan it was too much for me to see. i get grossed out by bodily things (castor oil was a terrible way for me, especially, to begin labor)... they make me uncomfortable. but i feel "in" my body this time. i feel like a woman, like a mammal designed for vaginal expulsion of offspring, and i'm not disgusted by that. i'm empowered by it, in fact. unashamed. my hips will open, my vagina 'will get huge'**, and i will produce a baby from between my thighs, covered in blood, vernix, and whatever else needs to accompany him. i don't say this to fool myself into feeling ok with it--like i did last time--i say it with conviction and even, shockingly, pride.

i will end with this quote, which is so profoundly related to birth i don't really know what else to say about it, except perhaps that i was very nearly destroyed by what i did not bring forth...

"if you bring forth that which is within you,
what you bring forth will save you.
if you do not bring forth that which is within you,
what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
- gospel of st. thomas

i hate to say that i am looking for salvation in this birth, but i would be lying if i didn't say it. my only fear now is what will happen to me as a human, as a mother, and as a wife, if i don't do it right this time.


*my own birth, according to my mother, was a scary labor because she was young and inexperienced, but it was short (~8h) and uncomplicated except that the doc used his hands as forceps to deliver just my face so that i could breathe, since the placenta was separating early. i doubt that i carry any birth trauma of my own that i need/ed to relive, but who knows. i was not separated from her, she breastfed me, and she labored without any drugs.

**despite the above, i believe that matt will be a good partner in labor, present and supportive, barring any sudden toothaches. he has seen the worst of me already and that makes him safe. karen too, has seen it all for me and for other laboring women, and i trust her on every level. anyone else in my space will be heavily scrutinized before the moment arrives.

**thanks, ina may.

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good news and herbal stuff

little mister has turned himself around (yay!). i'm not totally willing to give credit to the chiro, since *most* babies turn by 32 weeks anyway, but it couldn't have hurt. mister is posterior, however, so we just need to hope he rotates in place or i might be in for a really nasty labor :). but better than breech! last night i put the headphones down below my belly bulge and he went crazy kicking and punching, and i could feel him trying to get down there closer to it. i was playing mice parade, as it was the only happy/pleasant music on matt's mp3 player at the moment. he seemed to have liked it.

sarah was great today, and really glad to hear that debbie is coming by to meet us. i knew she wouldn't be hurt or anything, because i have been up front from the beginning, but i still felt bad... she agreed with my hunch that the BC is just not going to work out for me, though. as soon as i said it she said "that's kinda my feeling too" and i think we were both relieved. so it all depends on what happens monday, i guess.

she did tell me that her supervisor actually wrote a personal note to the OB about me and left it at his office, and she seemed really confused about the fact that i was told to 'go see him and good luck,' as apparently they are pushing for me, and haven't thrown me to the wolves. wtf?! it would seem communication is horrendously broken down between the three of us. but even so, sarah isn't hopeful about his response, so it probably changes nothing.

she prescribed me some serious iron pills for my anemia which i have thus far been unable to bring myself to ingest, as iron has historically freaked out my system (nausea, vomiting, constipation). i know i need to, but i'm just not up for feeling as bad as they make me feel. today she told me that she had a "flash" about me that was really strong, that i should take chlorophyll instead. so i just bought some online--chlorophyll, garlic pills, and a ginger/turmeric combo. apparently chlorophyll is at least as good as iron pills for upping hemoglobin and it has a lot of other happy benefits, like reducing the amount of dioxin in breast milk and making one odor-free (which i will need postpartum--ugh, the breastfeeding b.o. from hell!). allegedly it chelates heavy metals and other wild claims too, but the fact that it's green is good enough for me :). i'll probably start taking some spirulina too.

my concern with this lovely supplement is based on conflicting information. it seems to be an abundant source of vitamin K--which makes blood clot better--and yet is touted as a "blood thinner??" if the latter is true, great. if the former, i might need to be careful... but certainly they can't both be true unless it is a general blood 'tonic' which is a whole different ball game. i bought the garlic and ginger/turmeric for postpartum usage as they ARE blood thinners and i need to be ready to manage my potential for thrombosis right away... i guess i could just eat strong curry 3x a day, but i don't think matt would appreciate it very much, hehe. i also found this site where he says to drink three cups of yarrow (i grow my own!), nettles, and horsetail tea every day, so i'm going to try to do that to. worst case, i will be well-hydrated and have great hair!*

totally unrelated, did i mention i got stung by a scorpion IN MY KITCHEN last night?? holy crap that hurt more than i expected, but at least it was short lived. for about 8 minutes i thought my toe was going to balloon and explode, it was numb and on fire at the same time... and then it was gone. no more pain, no mark, nothing. really weird, and disturbing that he was in my house. it was a big one considering the runts we mostly have here in florida.

anyway. i'm feeling really good about things today, even with uncertainty still looming. it must be because i know what the outcomes will be either way... and the baby is vertex... and i'm ready to deal with whatever he wants me to purge re: rowan's birth. that post is coming soon, i think. gonna go take a bath and muse with birthing from within for a while.

*nettles and horsetail are fantastic supplements for hair growth, shine, and strength.

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prenatal care resumes

i have a home visit tomorrow, unexpectedly, which sort of amuses me. they're telling me left and right that i can't have a homebirth, but the midwife is going to see me at home. ??? at least i don't have to drive...

so i'm going to talk with her about what i'm thinking; i.e., thanks but no thanks, i just don't see it working out with the birth center for me. there are too many reasons they could (and will) say no at the last minute, and i don't want to deal with that. i am meeting with a new midwife on monday night whose reputation is a little less by-the-books, so if we click and she's ok with all my "complications," i'm going to release sarah from my obnoxious need for care. if it doesn't seem like a good situation, i'm going to continue my care with sarah and plan for an unassisted birth, just in case.

i've been considering the idea of contacting a midwifery student--one with a LOT of births under her belt--to see if there is any interest in being an alarm system, if you will. someone to yell "hey wait that's not normal" if something comes up that we might miss. my thoughts are that as long as one doesn't have a license to worry about losing, and knows she is just there as an advisor, there should be no risk whatsoever. and she might get the bonus of watching an unassisted birth, or even saving a life should the situation call for intervention. just an idea.

i'm anxious to know whether little mister is vertex yet or not. i've hesitated on doing the slant board just in case he DID turn (i think he might have) because i don't want to un-turn him by accident. i need to play music in my pelvis tonight though, since it can't hurt.

unrelated note-to-self: i am feeling a need to post about birth trauma. about the aftermath of unwanted surgical birth. this is coming from nowhere but the urge is really strong so i think it's time to reassess rowan's delivery one last time before i am fully ready to deal with the nameless baby's birth...

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rowan update

7:29 PM by rhiannon 0 comments
her ear infection HAD returned, and doc wanted her to take the rest of the antibiotics from before. he finally explained that it had been 'the wrong kind of rash' for an allergic reaction previously, so i said ok and he made me promise to watch her and call him right away if any rash or swelling showed up, and to give her the benadryl stuff right away. ugh. apparently the alternative antibiotic would make her already-bad diarrhea worse, and he didn't want to risk that.

that was monday, and she's been fine. no signs of a reaction, and seems to be getting less-cranky by the day, though let me tell you it's been rough. she's waking at 6am everyday (unusual for her), she hasn't been napping (also very unusual) and not only that she's been throwing these little kicking temper-tantrums over stupid things which she has NEVER done before. i think being sick really threw her off. even bedtime has been rough recently... she gets really mad about going in the crib (anytime) and i have to get her calmed down before i can walk away (but at least i can still walk away). today was the first day she's napped in at least a week. last night she was so tired at dinner--at 4pm, mind you--that she actually fell asleep with her face in her plate. it was hilarious and i should've got a photo of it.

incidentally, my mom is sick with some mystery disease. she's been feverish and having pain in her diaphragm for a few days plus headache, and last night a crazy rash broke out all over her... they thought it was west nile, of all things, but today at an unrelated dermatology appt the doc said no way in FL, and no idea what it is. she's going for blood work tomorrow i guess. but between the delicate preemie grandchild, me pregnant, and rowan under the weather, we are all desperately hoping whatever it is isn't contagious. that would make this the worst july ever, i think.

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on breech presentation

10:25 AM by rhiannon 0 comments
while i don't know for sure whether little mister is still breech or not, or what will happen with his birth, since i am doing all sorts of research on it i decided i should post my findings on vaginal breech birth for others who might stumble on this blog and need the info. i'm posting snippets of each piece just in case the links ever go dead (like they often do on gentlebirth.org, where i found most of this)!

ICAN says:

  • Morbidity and mortality for breech infants and mothers is most related to inclusion and exclusion criteria adhered to by the hospital for determining mode of delivery, the competence of the attending physician, and the expectation of the mother rather than the mode of delivery.
  • In general countries that perform more vaginal breech births have birth outcomes that are as good as or better than cesarean section outcomes. Countries that perform few vaginal breech births have birth outcomes that are worse than those for cesarean section births.
  • In many countries breech vaginal birth has higher morbidity and mortality risks for babies, but the risk is still relatively low.
  • Some of what has been typed as risk (e.g. low Apgar scores) is clearly not a long-term risk.
  • Much of what has been typed as risk can be ameliorated by proper screening for vaginal birth.
  • If you want to have a successful vaginal birth look for an old-time doctor or someone with a lot of experience with breech presentation.
  • If you have a macrosomic baby or a footling breech cesarean may be better for you.
  • To have a successful vaginal birth avoid induced or augmented labor and epidurals.
  • If you are going to have a cesarean, consider having a scheduled cesarean without trial of labor.
source: ICAN fact sheet
recommendations for attendants at a vaginal breech birth:

Having excluded the above complications, the "normal" woman who at term has a baby in a breech position which shows no inclination to turn can, I believe be born easily and spontaneously, if the labour proceeds spontaneously and easily. Just like a cephalic presentation (head down), if the labour progresses and all is well, the woman is supported and cared for, the baby will be born. There is one major difference. Where in a cephalic presentation, labour is incoordinate, or lacks progress, augmentation is occasionally justified. I do not believe that there is any place for induction or augmentation in a breech labour. If a breech labour does not progress, this woman's body is telling us something, and we should listen. There is no emergency, there is no rush, this labour just isn't progressing, and this baby should be delivered by caesarean operation.

I do not feel that there is any place for either trying to push breeches through pelvises with oxytocic drugs or pulling them through with actively managed breech extractions. I feel that this management is what has contributed to giving vaginal breech delivery poor outcomes and such a bad name. In my experience, if the labour does not progress well and spontaneously, the baby needs to be delivered by caesarean operation.

...

Many women during their labour will adopt a hands and knees position. I find that this is the best position for the mother, the baby and the midwife. Some practitioners ask the mother to stand in an upright position. I am concerned that the placenta may separate too quickly in this position. When the mother is on her hands and knees the uterus appears horizontal and tipped forward. It seems to me that if the woman is vertical there may be some traction on the cord/placenta from gravity just after the birth and in the absence of a contraction. I do not have any evidence to support this theory but I feel that until I have evidence to refute it, I should not encourage women to give birth to breeches in a vertical position. It also seems that women will bend forward and assume the all fours position if not directed by us. We need research to help us in this area.

There is also some evidence that when the woman is standing, the birth can be too swift and the placenta can separate too quickly; assisted too much by gravity, it can arrive almost on top of the baby's head. So, I prefer the all fours position.

Old midwifery text books show that when a woman is on her back for the delivery the attendants lift the baby up by the heels, over the mother's pubis; when she is on her hands and knees this movement happens by gravity.

source: keep your hands off the breech

breech elective caesarean vs. vaginal birth:

So, what of the woman who is fortunate enough to be well informed and who takes the very unusual decision to remain 'naturally active' and give birth to her breech presenting baby in a supported standing squat? How much respect is such an 'informed choice' likely to engender? How much genuinely interested co- operation is she likely to encounter?

The general reaction from the vast majority of our maternity health professionals is very sadly likely to be at best unhelpful and at worst downright threatening. It is an indictment of our maternity services that if she steadfastly refuses to make the 'right' choice she is likely to find herself trying to give birth alone, unassisted, unsupported, surrounded by birth attendants oozing fear, with a ready-and-waiting operating theatre down the hall, complete with surgeon, knife at the ready, waiting for the errant patient to come to her senses.

Despite all the evidence pointing to the relative safety of natural active breech birth a mother can't possibly be properly 'informed' if she makes such a choice, can she?

source: breech caesarean operation vs. normal birth

midwife's advice on risks and ways to help avoid them:

Trauma and injury to the baby as a result of:
* normal swelling and bruising of the baby's presenting parts during labor and delivery
* delivery techniques and manipulations during the birth process causing fractures of the skull, neck, humerus, clavicle and femur
* spinal cord injuries
* damage to internal organs if the baby is grasped incorrectly.

Asphyxia due to:
* prolonged compression of the umbilical cord during delivery
* actual prolapse of the cord
* aspiration of amniotic fluid caused by breathing before the head has been born
* prolonged or hard labor.

Cerebral hemorrhage due to compression and rapid decompression of the head at delivery.

There is an increased need for resuscitation of the newborn who birthed breech as opposed to head first.

These risks may be minimized by some of the following techniques:

*Early detection and assessment of labor.

*Close observation and monitoring throughout the labor process.

*Intact membranes if possible.

*Client cooperation in delaying pushing efforts until complete dilation is achieved.

[check out her breech homebirth consent form!]
techniques for breech birth from the gentlebirth.org archives:
"MANA Conference--Chicago--Oct '94. This was one of the topics for a small group lecture. There was a physician there (can't remember his name) who brought a video of twin home birth. Second baby was breech. He put mom in knee chest position. He felt that since we elevate the trunk and thighs of a breech, after they have delivered, to keep the head well flexed, that turning the mother to knee chest would naturally do the same thing. And then just let the baby dangle with minimum support for body weight, it will come perfectly. Made sense to me."

source: midwife archives
movie trailer: a breech in the system:

source: abreechinthesystem.com
i found references to a supposedly wonderful book, Breech Birth Woman-Wise, by Maggie Banks, but it's not in the library database so i can't read it at the moment.
"The medicalization of breech has generated a high rate of automatic c-sections with no choice given to the birthing woman. While many studies and statistics have been accumulated for observational evidence, when women have not been given choice and cesareans have been performed on them, these statistics become merely circumstantial evidence. Thus 'uncontrolled observations…do not answer what might have happened if a different form of care had been provided.' "
and that's about it for now. i hope to add more info/links as i find them, if i find them.

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finally!

two good things happened to me last night in my sleep.

the first was that i managed to combat a leg cramp so that it never fully materialized--sounds trivial but those are seriously the worst things ever. not being in excruciating pain was nice.

the second was that i had my first successful complete-birth dream. never had one with rowan, hadn't had one with this guy (or ever in my life, for that matter), but last night it was labor and delivery all the way. there was no pain, however, but i'm not surprised at that. i dreamed that i was on hands and knees and there was a woman with longish blonde hair and sterile gloves catching him. i find it interesting that there was a "helper" present.

i had just finished reading ina may's guide to childbirth and a bit that really stuck to me was this:
"...it is important to face each birth like a bull, with full force, no fear or hesitation, with the attitude that you can do this and you aren't going to hold back. this is your opportunity to feel your power as a woman, inhibitions not allowed." (p. 28)
i started to wonder if my "let it happen" attitude has been all wrong... my conviction that the most important thing is to not be in control, and to flow along on labor's currents, wherever they take me... so i imagined myself psychically charging in like a bull, grabbing birth with both hands and DOING IT instead of passively experiencing it, and it felt so much different than anything i have thought of before regarding birth. it was shortly after this that i dreamed of a full birth, no blackouts or mystery deliveries.

it makes sense to me that this may be the answer to my (typically unspoken) fears that rowan's birth will repeat itself. i was totally passive going into it, and i stayed that way throughout. sure, i fought for the prenatal care i wanted and/or didn't want, and i had tons of opinions about what was supposed to happen or i didn't want to happen, but my deepest attitudes were those of complacency, and in the end i submitted to everyone who told me to do something i didn't want. maybe this time, after all the fighting i am having to do for my homebirth, i really do need a new perspective on birth. why not be assertive, even aggressive about the whole thing, if only internally? as the lightbulb turned on of its own accord in a moment of realization--and lead to an emotionally-productive dream--i'm going with it. i don't think inspiration should be disregarded.

*roar*

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a response

8:27 AM by rhiannon 1 comments
i got an email back from the person in charge of the midwives' practice (regarding my desire to petition for a homebirth), and her progressive, stand-up-for-women's-rights answer was, paraphrased:

we can ask doc OB and see what he says. does that work for you? by the way he'll be much more likely to approve you for a birth center birth like last time.

sigh. i had hoped for her to push him for me, which apparently she isn't getting. i told her, MANY times now, that i am not having a baby anywhere but my house unless lives are in imminent danger. but she keeps on anyway...

here i am again, wondering if--with my iron and possible breech issues--it's even worth bothering about. the longer we go the more i think i'm better off doing it without them.

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diaper rash and other troubles

this has been a really crappy month! i didn't post anything about it, but a few weeks ago rowan had a horrifying diaper rash complete with tiny little open wounds, which of course woke her screaming in pain the first morning such that all i could do was plop her in the bath and try to calm her poor little hysteria. that went on for about two days, thanks to some disgustingly awful diarrhea, which i later chalked up to a rotavirus she must have picked up at the river (they say these things are endemic to the waterways, and there were a ton of kids all in the same play area). anyway, it passed and she was fine with no other symptoms.

then the runny nose for two days, which lead to the ear infection. you already know about that fiasco.

she's also teething on at least two canines which i know are bothering her intermittently, despite her tough constitution. she teethes well, but these are different. the problem is, i can't tell if she is uncomfortable because her teeth hurt or because her ear is hurting again--ear pulling is a normal teething sign, too. same with the tummy stuff.

now, the diarrhea has returned along with its lovely companion, Miss Sore Bloody Bum. it's AWFUL! she was miserable all day yesterday, and i'm starting to think it might be yeast-rash because of what i read on the internets (and because her usual diaper rash episodes are so mild and clearly different). she did just take heavy-duty antibiotics, and yeast overgrowth is a likely possibility. her appetite is great, so i don't think it's a virus or anything. i've been working on a baby bum balm for twink recently, so i whipped up a final version yesterday since her zinc cream wasn't doing crap and seemed maybe to be unpleasant for her... used it last night before bed (then poop issues, bath, balm, and bed again). i also cut out her milk for now and gave her a bath in oats, calendula, and yarrow last night. her butt is about 80% better today! i'm sure it's a combination of everything, but the stuff i made definitely had an impact. i'm just glad she seems to be in less pain...

but this ear thing concerns me. so i'm taking her back to the doc today to make sure the infection didn't return... i don't really want to, but i think it's a smart idea. the other trouble is that my cousin's kid is freaking sick now, here breathing on all our stuff, rubbing his snotty nose and touching things. UGH! so i'm sure we'll have a sneezy, sniffly little crankypants girl in a few days. she resisted my cold but something tells me she won't be so lucky this time. damn me for not having any hand sanitizer in the house!! (never thought i'd say that.)

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off-topic, farm stuff

it seems that we will be the caretakers of a highly-productive little milk heifer very shortly! my sister says it's too much for them to deal with milking her twice a day (i can't imagine why, with their now 9-month old preemie and both having jobs), so she asked if we want her before they sell her... DUH!

to those of you who were interested in the milk thing... know that we will be getting between 2-3 gallons per day... and that's all i am going to say out of respect for the incredibly harsh and archaic laws regarding unpasteurized dairy products in this state/country.

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webster technique

ok, so i decided to take a look and make sure there are no risks to the webster technique for turning breech babies, now that i have had two chiropractic adjustments which included it...

and i'm kind of disturbed at what i found. not that there are any risks or dangers to speak of, but rather that chiropractors are talking crap about it and saying what a quack method it is. i've only seen one highly-questionable study referenced over and over again. and if the dude talking about the certification process isn't lying, that's just... *splutter*

google it, if you care, but don't hit enter--watch what options for auto-fill come up and pick one of the negative ones (because there will be negative ones). there's enough out there to make anyone skeptical.

so whatever. i'm going to the chiro anyway for my weird leg/butt-twinges and tight shoulders, and it can't possibly hurt anything for him to massage that spot on my abdomen (he always makes sure the baby isn't in the way) for 15 seconds. but i feel really annoyed that the APA, my midwife, and millions of other people buy into these magical techniques without looking into them--just like i did! gullible, much? i guess pregnant women are just SO DESPERATE to turn their babies that they will try anything. *sigh* i will, if it comes down to it.

next stop: handstands in the pool (thank you, karen)...

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belly pic, 29? weeks

8:46 PM by rhiannon 3 comments

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i think i give up.

midwife called me about my blood test last week - see #4 below.

let me list all the checks i have against my having a successful homebirth with a licensed midwife:
1) distance >30min from hospital
2) factor V leiden blood thing; probably not an issue? depends on word of god, i.e., OB's decision.
3) currently breech baby
4) anemia (iron level=10.9, law says 11.0 or forget it)

so... i think i quit. fuck it. i'll just do it myself, know when to call 911, and hope for the best. i am so sick of fucking technicalities getting in the way of what I KNOW is right. it happened last time, and i let it, but it is not going to happen again.

i find myself in the ace of wands of my tarot year, moving into the four of wands next week. apparently the ace has had nothing to do with the birth situation (except maybe that i am truly mentally embarking on preparation for unassisted birth) and was all about getting back into twink with energy. but this four, he's different. i see birth issues here, and i can only hope in a good way. the link above talks about rites of passage and homecoming and preparation for celebrations... "openings and gateways" and "solidifying the creative process." these things speak to me of getting ready for birth in a positive light, not stressing and worrying about when or how or whom. i can hope.*

one could argue that these things against me (#1-4 above) are the universe telling me what not to do, but i disagree... i am getting a clear message from baby and universe that we need to have a homebirth and all this other shit is just noise clogging the airways. testing my resolve, even. i could have a natural birth at the birth center, but i have an innate sense that that's just not right. so whatever... we may be on our own here, baby. i hope you're ready.



*this baby will be born solidly in libra, when i am, quite unsurprisingly, living the two of swords. that link is the nicest version of that card i have EVER seen--this is my deck, and the typical interpretation. i have a deep conflict to look forward to, i can only hope it is between family members concerned about me, and not between matt and i disagreeing about the birth. or between me and the baby on some spiritual level. the bits about an inability to act really freak me out.

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rowan is more sick.

written yesterday:
last night and this morning, we noticed some weird blotchiness on her face. today, her face looked puffy. i got concerned, and lo and behold she's most likely having an allergic reaction to the bloody antibiotics.

called the doc, he said stop giving it to her, pick up a scrip for benadryl, and come see him tomorrow. great. wonderful. as if i needed another ounce of stress this week! i feel really overwhelmed and shitty on top of being sick and worrying about her and everything else. and my mother in law is still here (which isn't a problem per se, i just feel like i can't cry with her around or she will get all worried).

sigh.

today's update:
omfg, my cousin's kid is killing me today. i'd love to say it's just my own stress, but no, he's really being difficult. and rowan's doc didn't want to hear about allergies or reactions... despite facial swelling and weird little hive/rashes, the drug he gave is the "safest" antibiotic and there's no way she's allergic. and the diarrhea she's had can't be a side effect, it must be that she also has a stomach bug. WTF?? the rx pamphlet laid out how diarrhea can be a side effect. and exactly what to look for with allergic reactions. i'm frustrated, but at least he said she doesn't need to take it anymore since her ear looks great. (which sort of also confuses me b/c i thought abx had to be taken for the full course in order to be effective...?) whatever. she's off the meds and seems to be doing better so far. next time somebody wants to give her penicillin or the like i will just have to warn them and watch really closely how she reacts.

i really need a few days of peace and quiet. i *hope* to be going to the chiro tomorrow for a much-needed adjustment and a trial of the webster technique to see if this baby will turn himself...

and as i STILL have not heard back regarding my attempts to win myself a homebirth with my existing midwife, i wrote a pleading/demanding letter last night asking to at least know is my request is being considered. no response yet. i'm starting to get really pissed off. this is no small matter!

in other news, been reading about perineal protection on the gentlebirth.org archives. it's silly but that concerns me as much as anything else for this birth... my scar is really big and really deep, and i worry about it just ripping wide open b/c the tissue won't stretch. the problem is, there are conflicting studies on perineal massage, but i'm not sure how well they apply when there is already scar tissue. i guess i need to just start using some comfrey salve on there and work on stretching it without over-rubbing the muscles. it's impossible to know whether i would even have torn (or how badly) with rowan, since i was sliced and shredded and not given the chance to tear. sigh.

so many sighs lately. i've come to the conclusion that i am moderately depressed and completely bottling it up because thus far i haven't had time or opportunity to let it out. kid is here during the day and if i wait till he leaves, matt comes home and he will just get too worried and stress himself out if he sees me break down right now. and of course matt's mom has been in-and-out for the last two weeks, not to mention his dad's surprise visit. i just haven't had long enough a break to even cry...

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smaller concerns

2:08 PM by rhiannon 0 comments
so while i am in the main concerned with either:
1) finding a midwife who is willing to attend me
or
2) preparing myself utterly for a 'freebirth' assisted by good samaritans* only

i am also thinking about the smaller things that worry me, like what about my horribly scarred perineum? should i be doing anything to get it ready? who can tell me this if i have no midwife? tearing badly over scar tissue is the last thing i need to be concerned with right now...

i'm thinking about this baby being breech. i'm thinking that i should be having aquanatal sessions. i'm wondering when and what to get for the homebirth in terms of supplies.

i know these things can be gleaned on the internets but i like to talk about them face-to-face. i'm feeling a lack of womanly care that i have become accustomed to... i think that is the root of it. it's not a doctor-figure i lack, it's a wiser, older woman to chat with me about pregnancy. someone who really knows what she is talking about from seeing 100s of births first-hand.

i realize more and more that i really have no desire for a midwife to attend me during birth, but i feel like i need it beforehand, for some reason. i've had zero response to the emails i have sent both to my old midwife's practice and another one. i did get a response from a third but i am not ready to call her yet, as i have no relationship with her and don't want to start a new one unless i have to.

so that's what i'm thinking about lately...

and i had a dream about little mister last night. he wasn't "born," as none of my dreams seem to allow that to happen, but he came out of a bloody little wrapped package of uterus and nursed like a fiend. he had dark hair, which i expect, but i didn't see his eye color. he was little.

*now, WHY doesn't that apply if i call a midwife at the last minute during a birth emergency? if she is acting gratuitously and outside of a patient-practitioner relationship, what is the problem?!

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rowan really IS sick

the doctor visit was horrific, by no fault of his. rowan was acting pretty weird all that day, so when we got to the appointment at 3pm she was basically just sitting on my lap, and even drifting off on me (which she NEVER does, little miss busybody). we waited for a while, then when the nurse came in to check her out her temp was 104.2!!! so everybody freaked. i freaked but tried really hard to stay calm, the nurse didn't even try, and the doc came in immediately to calculate her dosage of acetaminophen to bring the fever down. waiting for them to come back with the meds was really scary, especially since rowan was just laying in my arms falling in and out of sleep...

note that she has never, ever had a fever and the worst illness she's ever had was a cold. i didn't know what to think about this, but i was terrified it would be meningitis or something. really f*cking scary.

so nurse comes back with some red liquid in a tube and gave it to me, then left. i woke rowan up to see if she would take it nicely, and she had a taste, then 3 seconds later starts projectile vomiting on me, in my mouth, down my shirt, all over herself and the room, uncontrollably and violently. i just broke down in hysterics, trying to get her over to the medical table/bed thing, and i'm crying and crying because i can't do anything to help her and i can barely speak to call for help, and she just keeps vomiting more and more (far more than any baby should be able to contain in a small body). it was possibly the scariest situation i have ever been in for that 2 minutes. i am not normally the type to freak out and lose my composure even in really intense situations, but this was beyond me. the nurse was not calm, either, but the doctor kept saying "it's good, it's good, she will feel better" ...and poor little rowan seemed perfectly ok after she threw up--not a tear--despite the fever continuing to climb.

poor baby, because she couldn't take the meds orally they then had to go with 1 and a half suppositories, which was hard to watch... after a while of letting the meds bring her temp down, the doctor came in (he was great), took one look in her right ear and said "oh my god" ...apparently she had a "terrible" ear infection!??! he said he could not imagine how she'd been able to sleep with it. the kid never pulled at her ears or complained once. she was barely even whiny on the day i took her to the doctor's, with 104 fever! he said they can get ear infections just from having a runny nose for a day or so, which she did have earlier this week. (thanks to daddy bringing it home; and now i have it.)

finally they gave her a shot of antibiotics in each thigh--her first shots ever, and the nurse said 'they kind of hurt'--while i had to hold her down. that was really, really awful part 2. she cried a lot for the shots, and whined over her hurt feelings for the next 10 minutes or so, which made me feel so guilty even though i know she needed it. after that, back to sleep on my belly and they sent us home with a 10-day antibiotic and some fever reducing goo (with suppository backup that i thankfully have not needed to use).

all in all it ended well, and she is definitely getting better though still a bit out of it, but wow that was a bad day for both of us. we were at the doc's for 3.5 hours or something crazy. and still she took it all like a champ and only really complained over the shots, which is totally understandable for a one year old.

she's a tough little girl even if she does love shoes and dresses and hair bows...

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and rowan is sick.

she felt hot yesterday, armpit temp said 100.7. today i took it rectally and yikes, it's 102.2. she's not into eating. she vomited in the kitchen earlier. she seems a little weird and slightly cranky (though she's honestly never cranky, even when she is). her eyes look sick, if that makes any sense. i have a suspicion that she has a headache, but of course i can't verify that.

i'm taking her to the doctor this afternoon, a new pediatrician local to us. (side note: his experience is wild, having spent 11 years in iran treating pediatric war victims and counseling PTSD... he's worked in other countries as well. i am highly impressed.) i am sort of feeling that she might have roseola, because i think i saw a little rash-like deal on her back this morning, but i thought nothing of it at the time. now she's napping and i can't check it out, but that's my hunch. no idea where she could've got it, except that we played at this water park type-thing last week and there were a ton of kids...

did i ever mention she is walking???? started last week or so, after seeing her little cousin do it. yay! :)

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by the way, did i mention?

little mister is totally, completely breech here at 28 weeks. like head at my bellybutton breech.

luckily i planned to visit the chiropractor anyway (for my presumably misaligned back and pelvis), so now i just have to find someone who takes medicaid AND is trained in the webster technique. and i ought to do some breech-turning manuevers if i ever get a moment. they say 25% of babies are breech until 32 weeks, after which is drops to more like 4%, so i guess i have a month to hope. but as a friend said to me the other day, my luck with regards to avoiding slim percentages so far has been shitty! rh-, clotting factor, nuchal cord, bilobed placenta, velamentous insertion of cord, etc...

as if i needed one more thing to worry about with this birth. the funny thing is, other than the breech situation--which will likely change on its own--i am otherwise without anxiety despite plenty of reasons to freak out. it's like i just don't care, but that's not it. i don't know if it's denial of problems or total acceptance of whatever happens, but i'm not ruffled right now. whatever happens, happens; and i know what won't happen: c-section. everything else is fair game, i guess. i really need to sit down and think hard about unassisted birth to find out if i am honestly ok with any/all outcomes.

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p o o p

10:44 AM by rhiannon 0 comments
so during her nap this morning, rowan removed her diaper COMPLETELY and got her hands all up in some blueberry poo. which of course meant it was also on her clothes, her sheets, and her crib bumper... i really, really hope this isn't the start of a new habit, because i can't deal with washing her entire bed AND giving her a bath every morning!!

i'm thinking that it's time for some potty training though. if she hates it enough to take the damn thing off when it's soiled, she shouldn't be wearing a diaper... the only problem is that she really only poops when she's asleep, so i'm not sure how i will teach her to use the potty??

after that fiasco (and i am watching the 8 year old today too, mind you), we went outside to tend the animals and found one of our dogs in her crate totally covered in nasty dog diarrhea. *sigh* i let her out and the first thing she did was shake wet dog crap all over me. in my eye, even. really nice. so i had to hose her and her cage off and then come back inside to wash out rowan's blueberry CLOTH diaper before i had the luxury of bathing the stinky, gross dog poo off of myself.

if there isn't something in my horoscope today about shit, i might just give up on astrology. i hope this is the end of it...

update:
ok, i have never heard of this before but apparently dog shit in the eyes can be a serious problem if there are round worm eggs in it... ocular larva migrans or something and it can cause blindness?? wtf? of course i googled "dog poop in eyes" and got some ridiculous yahoo answers, but shockingly few (ONE) people asking the question. now i'm paranoid and washing my eye with sea salt because it has felt weird ever since. maybe i should go have that cry i've been needing...

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and now for my commentary on the last post

i couldn't address the issue yesterday because i was feeling SO shocked, betrayed, and furious... after everything they did to push me back into their care, to turn around and say "oh, nevermind, no homebirth for you" at 28 goddamn weeks; it was just too much. and that's alll i'm going to say. i do have a business relationship with them which i need to keep pleasant...

today i am calmer. still pissed, but calm. and thanks to lovely loren, i now have some ammo to fight back against this bullshit i am being told. email sent to the appropriate person:
I was happy to hear that Dr. B can review my records (rather than having me come in) for the consultation, but I was reading Florida’s chapter on midwifery law, and it clearly states:

When a client has a risk score of 3 or higher and has previously had a physician consultation for the identical risk factors in a prior pregnancy with no current changes in health or risk factors another consultation is not required. (64B24-7.004 Risk Assessment.)

However, since we are going ahead with the consultation anyway, I would like to formally request that I also be “consulted” about regarding the added 3 risk points for being >30 minutes from the hospital. As above, the law states:

If the risk factor score reaches 3 points the midwife shall consult with a physician who has obstetrical hospital privileges and if there is a joint determination that the patient can be expected to have a normal pregnancy, labor and delivery the midwife may provide services to the patient. (64B24-7.004 Risk Assessment.)

…so what I understand from that is that it IS within the laws to have a homebirth >30 minutes from the hospital provided an obstetrician signs off on it. Am I wrong?

I would apologize for being a pain in the butt about this, but honestly I feel that if I don’t fight for it I am going to be ignored. I will not be birthing at the Birth Center, at someone else’s home, or at a hospital (sans true emergency), and I would really, really like for Sarah to continue to be my midwife. I hope you will consider the laws again and do what you can to help me have the homebirth I desire.

Here is a link to the Florida Administrative Code: https://www.flrules.org/gateway/ChapterHome.asp?Chapter=64B24-7


save that link in case you ever need it. don't let anybody push you around!!

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28 weeks and midwife says...

"i can't do your homebirth because you live too far away. my hands are tied."

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iron issues

there was an update, i forgot. when sarah took my blood at 20 or so weeks, my iron was borderline (which i am sure i mentioned). i had already been eating red meat at that point though, and i cook exclusively with cast iron, so i was kinda surprised. now i have another blood test this tuesday and i am pretty worried that my iron might have dropped... with rowan, i was anemic the entire time i was pregnant, so it's not unlikely.

but i have a plan. starting today i am guzzling nettle tea, i'm taking my herbal iron 2x a day with vitamin c, drinking oj and/or pineapple juice, and i plan to eat a big steak monday night along with as many dark leafy greens as i can fit on my plate. no coffee tuesday morning, either. if these things don't boost my iron so i 'pass the test' then nothing will (though midwives in the uk seem to recommend a pint of guinness every day for iron...hmm...). yes, my homebirth hinges on something so stupid as this.

(i understand the risk of low iron is for postpartum hemorrhage consequences, however, i have a BLOOD CLOTTING FACTOR that makes it highly unlikely i would bleed out anyway!)

the only reason i am even doing this blood test is for the rh sensitization test, because i want to be sure it is safe to refuse rhogam this time around. of course i'm not doing the glucose test either, but that's another thing and covered elsewhere.

trying to think strong, red, metallic thoughts because this is all making me a tad bit anxious. if anybody has ideas for fast iron boosting (i've googled it in 10 different ways) please let me know!

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pregnancy update

9:39 AM by rhiannon 0 comments
there isn't a whole lot to update here, honestly. i've been so busy with matt's mom here last week, then his dad showing up out of nowhere (the DAY his mom left, lol), and i'm officially back on with twink so i've been planning and making products in every spare moment. and of course all the cooking :). i guess i have a creative bug lately...?

little mister no-name is kicking me a l l t h e t i m e ! i've gained some weight, finally, and i'm getting the 3rd trimester fatigues, but other than that i feel normal. still.

oh and two days ago rowan decided she could walk! we'd been playing a game with her to get her to take a few steps before crashing into arms waiting for a hug, and the next day she saw her little cousin walking (he's about 20ish months) and that night she walked by herself intentionally. i guess she was impressed with his skills and wanted to be like him :). it's so cute though, she's really taken off and seems to have no fear about it.

she seems to be getting really smart, too. i'm sure every parent thinks so, but she really does understand everything i say to her even though for the most part she doesn't talk back intelligibly. i'm really trying to enjoy these last few months alone with her before the baby comes...

no progress yet on the modified bedroom, but it needs to happen soon. i'm feeling braxton-hicks all the time so i know he's in there getting ready, and frankly my belly is huge for not-quite 6.5 months. matt has been so busy on a side-job he's doing that he hasn't had time to do the major parts (which of course have to come first) and i don't want to risk ruining the walls by putting an anchor screw in the wrong spot! blah.

so... nothing too exciting but life is certainly not dull. oh and i actually have a tan?! rofl. first time in about 10 years.

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adventures in raw milk, part 1

8:54 AM by rhiannon 2 comments
(i say "part 1" because i am positive this is not nearly over... *edit: updates and more culinary exploits will be posted on the farm blog*)

so i'm not sure if i ever mentioned it, but my sister bought a cow about 2 years ago, which we have a share in. she has since had a baby, and the baby had a baby, and she's probably pregnant again. the point is, we are currently getting a massive jug of fresh milk at least once a week... glorious stuff with on average 1-3 cups of thick, fluffy cream on top! so i've been challenged to use it in interesting ways since there is no chance of us drinking as much milk as we get (and matt swears it is too "salty" for his cereal; whatever).

first project was just separating the cream to use it in my coffee--easy, and so freaking good.

project #2 - homemade fresh-cream ice cream. i actually had some fresh vanilla beans too, so i scored bigtime and decided to do a straight vanilla. 2c cream, 1c milk, 3/4c sugar (wish i'd had raw), 2 vanilla beans, and WOW that was some good sh*t. matt's mom ate half the container :)

project #3 - yogurt. i used half a container of "fage" greek yogurt to start it, because i didn't have any culture lying around, but it turned out really well. and i made it in the slow cooker which i was very excited to do, since yogurt instructions usually require a heating pad or something else i don't have. 1qt milk, cooked on low for 2.5hrs, unplugged for another 3h, then mix in the yogurt and leave it alone overnight or longer. it's not sweetened but that's easy enough to do with each serving.

project #4 - frozen yogurt. since we ate all the ice cream, i needed another sweet treat... and what was i going to do with so much yogurt, anyway?? i mixed about 3c yogurt with 2/3c sugar and a bit of vanilla extract in the ice cream maker, and added 2T dry milk as i was afraid of it being too tangy since i intended to make it pineapple *drool*... threw in the pineapple bits when it started to congeal, then popped it in the freezer to let it set. i daresay it's even tastier than the ice cream!

project #5 - yogurt bread pudding. 3 words: best breakfast ever. had a rock-hard loaf of artisan wheat bread that i couldn't bear to feed to the chickens, so i cut it up and soaked it overnight in 1c yogurt, 2/3c brown sugar, 2 eggs (homegrown), 2T melted butter, some raisins and walnuts plus vanilla, cardamom, and cinnamon... baked this morning for about 40min and it's so, so yummy.

project #6 - milk sourdough. yep. we had a jug of milk going a bit sour so i decided a good way to utilize that would be to make it work on some flour :). equal parts souring milk to flour and i had an active starter with like 5 hours (as opposed to 3 days with water). plus, theoretically it will have more probiotics thanks to the milk bacteria. right now i am proofing a sponge and we'll see how the bread turns out later.

project #7 - simple curd cheese. again with the souring milk situation; duh, let's make cheese! i started this last night but it never separated for some reason, so i changed course and threw in some yogurt culture and let it sit, then this morning decided to run with it and added rennet. this is a totally improved dance, so i'm not sure how it will turn out, but worst case is i've got some more yogurt that may or may not solidify into cheesable curds.

and that's where i'm at now. as soon as my citric acid (previously ordered) arrives i will be trying my hand at mozarella, but for now i'm fine with what i've got going. all of these things could be done with store-bought milk (though i would hesitate a lot on the sourdough) but it's somehow just not as much fun. i plan to save a bunch for new batches of soap too... nothing like milk soap for soft skin...

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