september mama

so i think i had a contraction today. it was interesting and unlike the cramps i've been having when i walk too fast or something like that. it was low, where it should've been, and not long-lasting or too severe, though i definitely knew something was going on. it wasn't labor, though.

the past few nights i think i have been having them in my sleep also, actually, because today when i woke up i remember thinking that my internal stomach muscles were really tight and how strange that was, but i was too sleepy to pay attention to it. i wouldn't be surprised if i start having them here and there from now on.

on a related note, i'm trying to think of them in a different light... "contraction" is what happens when we close down, pull tight, restrict, and retract away-from... it's a fear-related action and i don't like associating that with birth, even subconsciously. the purpose of "contractions" in the uterus is to dilate and open the cervix, which is a good thing we should all be excited about. it's opening, expanding, and i think imagining it that way will be much more productive than vice versa.

so i'm seeking euphemisms but none of them seem to fit yet. here's what i've got so far:
- surges
- openings
- rushes
- waves
- dilations

but these all sound really lame. i need a new word for them.

on a related note, i found some totally awesome blogs about english usage that cracked me up. adding to my "random links..."

still pregnant. i've had a few comments lately about how i'm "huge" which i find amusingly odd (and even more amusing because i find them odd)... i SHOULD feel huge--when i see myself from outside i'm shocked--but i guess i've just gotten used to my new circumference or something. i'm actually finally adjusting to the extra weight, i think, though it is really, really hard to get out of bed when i have to pee at 3am. seriously, i wake up and feel like my belly is going to bust open b/c it's too heavy sometimes.

interesting new physical changes... my finger joints are sore, right where carpal meets metacarpal. my feet aren't as sore as they were before and the swelling is noticably less, which is nice. i had a pause in weight gain at my last appt, which is also nice. i'm hoping my body is now refining the heretofore glut of water and fat retention, and letting go of what it doesn't need for labor and breastfeeding! i'm sleepy lately; basic stuff exhausts me and i've actually taken a few naps recently. i need them. over the weekend i had a lovely little t.w.i.n.k. party from 1030-1pm and by the time it was over i felt wrung out! i'm still on a fruits-and-veggies kick too, and loving it.

last night matt put the new floors in the nursery and they look SO GOOD! as cheap as they were, i love them. and it only took him an hour or two to install them... tonight he finishes the trim and we are all set, 100% finished with her room. he also said he's going to paint some birds on the wall, which i'm really excited about. it's the first interest he has shown in decorating her space... apparently he has a grand idea to paint a flock (yes i know the word is really "murder" but i'm euphemizing) of crows flying across one of the corners. it should look neat if he actually finds time to do it.

and i have lots of people emailing me about my car, so i think it might actually be sold here any day now. it's great! as soon as we sell it we're going to buy enough of the same flooring to do the living room, dining room, and hallway. i did the math and it looks like less than $750 will cover the whole thing. *excited*

the only obstacle still holding us up is the drywall in the living room, and it is the bane of my existence at this point. all i want are the walls to be done, NOW. so i'm going to talk to him about the plans for this weekend, and if he's too busy, i may have my own little drywall party and invite all his friends to drink beer and perform manual labor with a promise of dinner at the end. it will take two days for sure: day 1 to sand and join again, day 2 to sand again. and then i can paint! and floors can go down! ahh... so exciting.

so this week i have to:
- print a few shirts, as usual
- put the nursery back together
- clear out the dining room of some stuff to accommodate drywall work
- put plastic down on EVERYTHING in prep for what i assume will go on this weekend
- write my thank you notes (!!)
...and we have our last childbirth education class on thursday night.

as of today, i have officially 4 more weeks left of work (20 days!). oh, and the spring garden has officially sprouted--everything came up after the storms this weekend. :D

yeesh. i got a LOT done at work this morning (as i have been doing lately) and now i'm over it. bored. sick of working. looking for something to distract me.

the problem is, i'm almost too bored to seek out something interesting... i just want a nap. blah :\

this morning the baby was moving like cRaZy all over the place, bumping and poking and shifting and squirming. i don't know what got into her, except maybe she was fussing b/c i was starving. i completely overtaken by hunger around 11:15am and for some reason forced myself to wait until 12 for lunch. probably not the best idea.

i have been eating uber-healthy lately though, and that makes me happy. for lunch i've been having organic crackers and organic raw cheese, my daily apple, pineapple, some kimchee (some days), carrots (some days)... and then cookies. i have to have cookies. but i eat little ones and not a lot. i had sushi twice last week at lunch too, which always makes me feel great. and i've been really good at taking my iron and calcium supplements as i'm supposed to, and today i started eating a 45% iron DV organic cereal for breakfast instead of eggs and toast. i'd really prefer the eggs and toast, but i know exactly how much nutrition is in the cereal, so even though it's processed and imperfect, at least i'm getting the vitamins. dinner is more flexible, but i have been really good at eating dark leafy greens and lots of veggies with a big protein something or other (omelet, usually). i'm loving kale and sweet potatoes...

tonight is childbirth education class #3: complications of labor. weeee. this'll be a fun one i'm sure. today i read a birth story in which a woman had "uterine inversion" (holy CRAP-i mean, her story was rough anyway but damn), something i have not heard of before. seems like that would be one of the things they might mention in what to expect when you're expecting... or maybe they did and i skipped that part. i skipped most of that lame book.

anyway so uterine inversion is basically what happens when they do cord traction before the placenta has detached itself, and something like 15% who get it die from it! it can also happen naturally, however. really rare but quite fatal. reading another story from an intern's perspective completely grossed me out... the way they talk about how to fix it... *shudder* ah, complications. yes, this will be a grrrreat class today.

on another cheerful note, matt seems to have burned the bejesus out of one of his eyes yesterday whilst welding. he allegedly had his goggles on and whatnot, but apparently the UV light still got him, and now his eye is all f*cked up, red, and painful. ("Radiation in the ultraviolet range emitted by arc welders is absorbed by the unprotected cornea and lens, giving rise to a keratoconjunctivitis, or 'arc-eye,' which, though intensely painful, is not considered a threat to sight.") he's going to the doc about it this afternoon, though i can't imagine what they will do for him.

meh.

holy crikey. 7 weeks to go, give or take.

we had such a busy weekend that i think she's been kinda tired... the past two days have been quiet in there. i get the occasional wiggle or thump but overall she's calm. i think she rotated, though, which figures (she's feet-down now). i'm not going to worry about it, she likes to move around... we'll see what happens.

i do feel like she's growing a LOT though--i'm starting to notice a distinct limit to my range of motion in terms of bending and twisting and rolling over!

and i'm having sleep issues that seem to be getting worse. i wake up every 1-3 hours right on schedule and have to switch sides or pee... something about laying on one side for too long just doesn't agree with me. and i've been feeling a hovering leg cramp just under the surface that i know will show its ugly face sooner or later. so yeah, i wake up at night. a lot. i cannot wait until i can sleep on my stomach again! *sigh*

also i learned something (important) yesterday. amongst the things i bought over the weekend was a manual breast pump, and i was thinking "hey, wouldn't it be smart to start practicing before she's born?" the answer is NO! unless you are trying to induce labor, do not pump early! apparently--and i should've reasoned this out--the stimulation can start contractions due to hormone production. so however curious you may be about the BFing process and/or the effectiveness of pumping, you just have to wait.

i also bought a pack of these nature babycare diapers as a backup for our cloth stash (and for those first extra-gross meconium poos)... i'm intrigued, but i'm also kind of disappointed that i can't find as much in-depth info as i want on them. they weren't too pricey though, at $10.99 for 44. i doubt i will even use all of them, honestly.

i have to say, i love the adiri bottles i picked out though! obviously i haven't used them yet so i can't really attest to their effectiveness in feeding a baby, but my personal impression is that they are totally freakin' awesome. the whole top part (yes, it looks like a boob, on purpose) is made of a squishy silicone that feels pretty close to a milk-filled breast. and the nipples are shaped anatomically too. it's all supposed to help prevent "nipple confusion" when switching between breast and bottle. yes, nipple confusion is real. i got really annoyed with a know-it-all co-worker the other day who insisted she's 'never seen a baby get that'... except that my friend who just delivered had that exact problem when her baby was given a pacifier too soon! babies have to use a completely different oral technique for bottle vs. breast feeding. ugh. anyway. i figure if you're going to use bottles, even occasionally, they might as well be as close to the real thing as possible. so i'm excited about these. (edit: i just read that they can't be used in a warmer without the "warming cap" so i will probably be returning my bottle warmer rather than buy another gadget to make it work. hot water under the faucet is good enough for me.)

i find it interesting that my brain seems to be prepping itself for newborn care whether i like it or not... normally i'm pretty indifferent to babies, even a little uninterested, at least until they are old enough to communicate verbally. but lately i think they are really cute and sweet. i still don't necessarily want to hold one, but i find i am more interested than i have ever been before, and i can just tell it's hormonal. i had another one of those dreams where my belly skin is like thin rubber or something... i dreamed that rowan's whole body was pushed out, almost like i had no skin at all, and i was holding her and showing matt thinking "wow this is her!!" she looked like a real baby, not too little or wrinkly or anything, just cute. she wasn't being born, she just kinda became visible to the point that it was like there was nothing holding her back. i woke up with a strong sense of maternal...something...i liked holding her, i can imagine now what it will be like to have our baby out here in the world. these are things i have never really given much thought to before; or perhaps i just hadn't had the appropriately maternal emotional response to the thought. apparently now i do.

yikes! big kicks just now.

anyway i can't think of anything else to write, so peace out.

this is not technically pregnancy-related but whatever; i want a record of what we've put in the ground.

the original garden is still growing:
lettuces (3 kinds)
peas
carrots
spinach
onions (will probably die off)
potatoes
garlic?? i can't remember

the new gardens are planted with:
green beans
lima beans
okra
bell peppers
zucchini
yellow squash
cucumbers
beets
turnips
collards
swiss chard
green onions
sweet corn
(flour corn) - awaiting arrival
(tomatoes) - ditto
(eggplant) - ditto
(sweet potatoes) - awaiting season
(more spinach) - awaiting location

i'm pretty excited. matt seems to have a very green thumb--everything he plants grows. but that may just be because of the amount of crazy work he puts into getting perfect soil...

i am bleary-eyed and confused today because i am s o t i r e d . . .

weekend in brief:
friday night - printing shirts, last minute house cleaning
saturday, began 6:30am - baked a cake, organized stuff, publix, picked up matt's mom, went to high springs, made more food, had a party until 5:30pm, drove back to gville, went out to eat, watched a movie (the ruins, it was stupid).
sunday, began 8am - drove matt's mom to pick up rental car, went to target, went to lowe's, went to lunch, back home, matt's mom left, went to ward's, planted the gardens, went to home depot, made dinner, watched a movie (indiana jones and the crystal skull, i fell asleep).

i did NOT get enough sleep this weekend. but we did get a lot done plus a few awesome extras! matt's mom gave us her truck, which is shiny and perfect. she also paid for the flooring in rowan's room, so now all matt has to do is install it, yay! we got a bunch of useful things from the registry as gifts, which i was not expecting.. i really thought the "no gifts expected" clause would mean something to people but most brought gifts anyway. it was very appreciated. we got the garden planted just in time for spring to begin, and we got a big storage rack for all matt's canning stuff.

the mother blessing was really nice, too... i should've known that my dreams of having a really intense, connective experience with so many women was too idealistic, but i think it turned out fine anyway. everyone seemed to like her name too! in retrospect i would have chosen a different game than "how well do you know the mother" because it felt REALLY awkward/narcissistic to have 30 minutes of mememe questions. and i would have enforced the "sharing of wisdom" aspect more. but oh well. the food was awesome, the henna was fun, and it was a really beautiful day. i hope people enjoyed it. i have cookbooks to give away too, so i guess i will just mail them out with the thank you cards.

all in all i think it went well. and it was actually really nice to hang out with matt's mom... she was great the whole time and we had a pleasant day shopping for floors and baby necessities. she even pushed me a little about using eco-friendly disposable diapers instead of cloth, and i firmly said no; no sparks or conflict ensued. i was happy about that. oh and the first thing she said when i told her the name was "that's really pretty!" ...no vague noises or indifferent responses. score!

so yeah. i'm just really sleepy now. i think i will go to bed way early tonight.

*sigh*

i don't want to whine more than i already have--especially since i think i have worked things out in my head already--but i need to document a new discovery or two regarding the birth center.

my two favorite midwives quit. just like that. gone.

there are 3 left now, and one of them is only on call every other weekend (the one i like a lot), so chances are i will be looking at either X or Y... X i have never spoken to and Y is brand new there but i met her today and i quite liked her. so at least that's good.

but i'm feeling conflicted because one of the two "favorite" midwives is starting her own homebirth practice and is more than willing to take over with us. we have to make a final decision about where and how this birth is going to go.

in addition, today at my checkup i learned that there is a law stating that women have to have "hematocrit" levels at 10 or above to deliver in a birth center... mine is 10.9 as of the blood test, but no one thought to tell me there is a REAL consequence to not maintaining it! WTF? i would've bought that iron supplement already if i knew my birth was at stake! so while i am grateful for ms. Y letting me know, someone should have already told me about that. and i found out via our class last night that the same "someone" who didn't mention what hematocrit levels mean also lied--or misspoke?--about the number of attendants who will be at the birth: midwife, assistant, and senior student. f*ck that. it's bad enough i have to have two pairs of hands harassing me, three is just not going to happen. watch how fast i kick her--and it will be a her--out.

and despite all my crankiness at the institution in general, having a home birth WILL be a hassle. we don't have the kind of tub i want, i won't be comfortable with how "up my ass" any well-wishing visitors are (we have no really segregated spaces in my house), and matt will be stressed out trying to host guests and attend me at the same time. and then how to get the visitors to leave? i can't help but wonder if being at home--despite having a midwife i really connect with--might not be worse than biting the bullet at the birth center.

i'm almost, almost to the point where i want to ask her to attend me in-hospital so that i get the best of both worlds... a neutral space with the chick i want and a big tub. but i just know that means i will be opening an even bigger can of worms with the nursing staff and doctors. so that's just silly.

anyway. that's all i'm saying about that right now.

at least little rowan is head-down (as she has been for two weeks at least) and she seems to be lying on the left just like she should. she hiccups a lot and kicks regularly every few hours.

today my blood pressure was 120/68--higher than it has EVER been--and they asked if i was stressed out, i said "YEP" so ms. Y ran a little relaxation exercise on me and my bp dropped to 112/65 which is closer to normal. i'm usually 90/60 so it's still high, but nothing to worry about.

matt's mom arrives tonight (gods only know when), i have to get ready for this party tomorrow and possibly bake a cake, i have to print and ship a couple of shirts, buy supplies, and somehow manage to RELAX before tomorrow morning. i want to be peaceful, calm, and happy for the party. i think i may escape to my parents' house tonight just to ensure i get quiet time alone in a bath to chill out. i am excited about the gathering, i just need to get in a good state of mind. like has been kinda stressful lately... but things seem to be working out well regardless.

so i started this blog and this pregnancy with the intention of transitioning back to mostly (if not 100%) raw foods, but between the early nausea and the middling cravings for protein and fat, it never happened. lately, however, all i seem to want is fresh fruit and vegetables. i'm feeling a real pull towards all-raw foods--which, in my situation, happens to include sushi. i actually prefer just the fish; rice is doing nothing for me--so i'm going with it.

it's so extreme that the thought of eating a bowl of fresh spinach all by itself sounds awesomely fantastic. or lettuce. anything crunchy, juicy, and/or fresh. i had some peanut butter and celery today and i couldn't handle the peanut butter b/c it was too salty (it was all-natural low-salt?!) so i just ate the celery! i usually don't like celery very much. oh and matt's kimchee rocks, yummy raw fermentedness.

so yeah, maybe i will make it back to raw before this is over. i certainly am going to continue the intuitive eating thing and just see what happens... and i am certainly not turned off to the fact eating raw makes my body slide into wonderful shape with little or no effort.

according to some raw mamas (who gave birth that way), labor is super short and easy, as is recovery, for those who are raw. so that's another reason to give in to my unusual cravings! (check out the link on the right for jinjee, raw mama of 7. her body is to die for at 45 and after 7 kids...)

i'm not sure if i posted anything about this, but over the last 6 months matt has had terrible luck with our 04 nissan frontier. first he t-boned someone (their fault) and trashed the front end completely, which we ended up having to pay for due to technical legal issues, and then a few months later some dumb biznatch rear-ended the hell out of him and smashed the back bad enough to bend the frame... so we have been without a car for a month, borrowing a friend's extra vehicle (bless them for their patience with us).

well... we've been tugged around by GEICO and the auto repair people while they decided what to do about it, and as of today they cut us a check for several thousand dollars and totaled the nissan. while i am sad to lose it, i am relieved that we finally can get a replacement!

so that's good, and then matt calls me to let me know his mother has decided to trade us her 04-05(?) ford explorer sport trac--the ones with the little pickup beds in the back--for the money from GEICO so she can buy herself a new car. it's perfect! her car is in fantastic condition and worth much more than we are giving her for it, and it's the exact mix of car/truck to make both of matt and i happy. and i think it even has a sun roof :) :)

i'm seriously so happy about this. i was not looking forward to scouring craig's list for a deal...

last night nate and i went on a trek through the woods to take some photos. they came out really great overall!

check out the flickr album

this is my favorite one:


we're going to take some more on sunday, i think. i will have a pretty henna design on the belly by then, so that should be neat!

anyway i'm sure i have more to say but i can't think of anything right now, so maybe i'll come back later.

32 WEEKS! ahh! it's shocking. we're almost done. apparently she weighs almost 4lbs these days, which is a good healthy weight; even if the worst happened and she popped out 6 or 7 weeks early there is little chance of real problems as a result. that's a comforting thought.

i am really proud of the amount of stuff i did this weekend. friday night i mostly-cleaned the house, and we woke up and started working at 8am on saturday, meaning matt was out in the garden and i was putting the final touches on cleaning. i had half the shirts i needed to print (80 prints) done by 12pm, and we went to the feed store to get seeds and ward's to get food. then we stopped at karen and john's, matt helped them with a plumbing problem, we came home and matt made about 15lbs of kimchee and baked a chicken. i did laundry and set up a new website for matt's carpentry stuff. then i went for about a 3 mile walk in the prairie with jennie and evan. then i tested the garden soil pH, we made dinner, karen and john came over, and the guys dealt with the rooster.

sunday we were up again at the crack of dawn, i cleaned more, hennaed my hair, printed the rest of my shirts, made a big pot of turnip soup and prepped the rest of what was to be our early dinner with k&j, then they came over (3pm), i cut her hair, we ate, they left, and we went to walmart for stuff they don't sell at ward's. then we came home and i ironed all the shirts and we watched a movie ('body of lies,' it was pretty good).

so! lots of stuff. i know the mundane details are absolutely uninteresting but i am happy that i can still maintain a high level of activity despite the fact that 90% of the time i feel like my feet have been beaten severely. they hurt all. the. time. and there is always low-level swelling. while walking through the prairie my fingers actually swelled up--i started to get worried when that happened. i can't wait until my weight goes back to relative normalcy so that my feet get a break!

and now i'm here at work, wishing i was home and accomplishing useful things. *sigh* but at least i'm not standing...

...yes, there is a part 3! hard to believe, i know.

so let's add to the first list of things matt has been doing:

- once a week he cooks a whole chicken, we use the meat for various things, and he makes a bone stock out of it. then he cans it. (we have an entire CABINET full of chicken stock.)
- every other week or so he does the same with a bunch of beef bones. we have a cabinet full of beef stock, too.
- he made and canned a from-scratch tomato sauce with and without beef.
- he's also canned: sweet potatoes, carrots, soups, pickled garlic, roasted red peppers, and dill beans. so far.
- he made fresh blackberry/strawberry jam the other night, and canned it.
- last night he baked 3 loaves of (super tasty) bread.

and none of this addresses the massive garden full of fresh lettuce and blooming pea vines he maintains, or the rabbits who are not quite ready to breed.

- nearly tripling the size of our garden this weekend with the help of a kind co-worker of mine; planting is about to commence
- trading some lettuce for 2.5 dozen fresh eggs c/o my sister
- visiting the farmer's market every week for inspiration and organic veggies
- slaughtered and cooked a rooster from the rainbow school
- made a massive batch of kimchee

and i think we will be making cheese and he plans to make some fresh mayo this week, too.

what i find really funny about all of this is that i've been trying to convince him to accept my "homemade" stuff for YEARS now (ice cream, cheese, butter, etc) and he's always "eh" about it... but now that he is the one doing it he's all about it. and yet he still refuses to use my homemade soaps (and laundry soap) and instead prefers to buy expensive chemicals... ??

anyway, rather than fading away i think his impulses are picking up steam; i'm just glad he has a productive, sensible hobby--or four. all that excess energy is really going to good use these days!

well, that was... interesting. lots of people were there, all couples except for two chicks, and mostly noobs at that. a few of the dads were dads already but most of the moms were first timers. our "teacher" is one of the midwives i can't decide whether or not to like. i don't think she enjoys teaching, however.

so last night's class was all about "normal labor and birth" meaning we went from pre/early-labor signs all the way through birth, and at the end she made us watch 5 or 6 natural births from "gentle birth choices" which as she said is 'the 90s version of the business of being born.' and oh it was soooo 90s. bad hair, bad fashion, the works. funny stuff.

anyway the class was ok i guess, kinda pointless for me but at least it got matt thinking along the reality lines of what this is going to be like. not that he hasn't already, but it was good to have a segway into discussion after class. interestingly, the one thing throughout that i had a problem with (maybe i just don't understand) was the one thing he brought up: apparently if the cord is wrapped when the baby is born, they cut it right away. matt didn't like that and asked me why they do it... i couldn't answer. it was the only thing i was like 'wait wtf?' about... why can't they unwrap it?

he also said something about how he hopes i don't want the whole family in the birthing room because it will make him uncomfortable, and i was relieved to say i definitely do not want ANYone in there... so that's another nice point of alignment.

it was interesting to see our teacher's reaction when one of the mom's asked if they will do the circumcision... she said "if we already know we want the baby circumcised, should we just let you know during the birth?" and i thought for a brief moment that teacher's head was going to explode. she turned all red and i know her heart was racing, and she basically said WE DON'T DO THAT and went on to expound how medicaid won't cover it, insurance often won't cover it, it's considered cosmetic surgery, talk to a pediatrician if you want that done and wait at least 10 days (and make sure you give him the vitamin k shot so he doesn't die of hemorrhage). her views on the subject were not at all unclear!

related to that, in the car on the way home matt asked me if circumcision was where they "nip the tip" and i said "well no, they cut the foreskin off" and he said something about how most people aren't circumcised (or something like that)... and i said "um, what are you talking about?!" and he seemed to think we had had a conversation about it before--which we NEVER have--but the bottom line was that it turns out he thought he wasn't circumcised. i think he thought it meant they cut the HEAD off. he doesn't know what an uncircumcised penis looks like. he didn't know what a foreskin was. *splutter* i had to explain it, and to tell him that almost everyone our age IS circumcised. i couldn't believe that!! i'm not trying to embarrass him or anything, because i suspect if i polled guys i know many of them might be just as confused... i mean, not to be gross, but even avid porn-watchers will never really see an un-extended penis for long enough to tell whether it's been circumcised or not, and if you don't know what to look for, how would you tell? it's not like we educate our kids on their anatomy very well, or talk to them about the procedures they have as babies. anyway, i was pretty shocked by that. part of me wanted to tell him all about what circumcision does, but i realized he has no intention of doing it to our future babies and there was no need to cause a stir about what he may or may not have lost against his will. he probably doesn't even care anyhow.

but back to class--i was also a little bit disappointed with the thoroughness of the information she gave. in the silly videos i watched months ago, the woman explained EVERY DETAIL of labor to where it was almost more for the benefit of the fathers... she made it accessible. teacher didn't do that at all, and i felt like she really skimmed over some things. but oh well.

anyway it will be interesting to see how things proceed.

tee hee, i'm not quite sure whether i'm annoyed to have to go or excited that matt has to! i do hope there are a few "cool" couples there we might be able to make parental friends with, but i don't want to disappoint myself by hoping too hard.

it should be interesting, at any rate, and i'm sure matt will learn a lot. he's been really cute about the whole thing lately, though i can't exactly say what i mean by that. i think he's ready to be daddy :)

i do need to plan out who we are going to "officially" use as a pediatrician soon; i want to have time to make the right decision. i think there is one holistic peditrician in gainesville but i have never heard anything about him, so i don't know. i plan to ask around.

by the way, the baby count is up to three: evan, watson, and nora were all born within the last two weeks... and rowan is next! she already has a group of peers to hang out with (though they are all pisces--where is the variety?!)!

ok i know this is kind of a crazy thing to say out loud, but i think rowan has a little sister. lately i've been getting impressions of *another* soul/baby/whatever in addition to the one currently residing in my belly. she seems impatient.

this other one is spunkier and more impulsive or whimsical than rowan feels to me. and i think she has darker hair, maybe even dark brown. the weirdest part is that i really think we--me and matt--already have a name for her; i think SHE is 'ivy virginia' (a name we considered for rowan).

where my impressions of rowan are always of her as a relatively graceful pre-teen or teen, this other one appears to me as a precocious 7 year old.

really, i know i sound like a nutcase... but it wouldn't be the first time, haha.

little watson was born last night at 3am!

my dear friend ended up with a c-section which i assume is a result of the 24-hour rule--her water broke at 5am yesterday and she was done at 3am today. i am very happy for them that everyone is healthy and earthside... but i can't help also feeling so sorry that she had to have a c-section.

i haven't had a chance to talk with mama yet, obviously, but the grapevine says all is well. now i have to do his birth chart! :)

i mentioned a friend is currently in labor... well i realized a little while ago that i dreamed about her last night (for the first time ever) and what i dreamed was that she had just had her son and i was talking to her, thinking "she is so different now." she was calmer, softer, and very open-seeming. kind of weird that i dreamed of her with the baby and now she's in labor!

after the emotional rollercoaster of yesterday, today is like pure sunshine. i am feeling full and whole in an indescribably palpable way. last night i vegetated with the TV *ugh* and watched some stupid magician show, but for whatever reason it was really soothing... as i was watching it i felt like i was getting a massage all over. maybe it had nothing to do with the show itself, but it was definitely interesting. today i'm carrying that around--i can almost feel invisible fingers massaging me, knitting pieces back together and smoothing everything out. it's very pleasant, though completely inexplicable. reading about "womb power" and healing stuff is adding to it...

i don't know if i ever mentioned this but i made some "birth art" a few months ago... birthing from within talks about how important it is, and matt wasn't home to tease me, so i decided to draw "what labor looks like" from my perspective. it was an interesting experience. i drew myself seated or squatting with my legs wide out, and a spiral emanation containing the whole universe radiating from the belly/birth canal area, with green and pink (for rowan) and dark blue (for space) with little stars in it... my hair is long and wild all around me, my eyes are closed and my face is peaceful except the glowing opened eye in the center of my forehead. my hands are hidden behind my legs and my arms are just there, not needed... and there are stars and spirals all around my head as a reminder of the billions of women who did this before me and will do this after me. there is a dark teal ocean below me and brushing my ankles. and the tattoo on my chest is glowing also. i'm not sure exactly what i learned from drawing that, but i can say it was totally intuitive (and not very well-executed) and probably means something personally significant; who knows what, though. i was happy to see, when i finished, that i drew my face so calm and all that support hovering around me... i AM confident, and i have faith that i will remain that way.

no pics lately; i should be able to post one next week after the 'photo shoot.' speaking of which, it is time to take some REAL pics... like the nice ones the photography studios are always trying to sell us... i just have to figure out how and where and what i want them to look like. i think i have two willing photographers, so i should be able to get two perspectives :)

physically things have been changing a little... though i feel huge relative to my non-pregnant size, as a pregnant chick i actually feel like my belly is not that big. neighbors and friends were/are MUCH bigger than me around the same time. i'm not worried or anything, it's just interesting.

she thumps and bumps and practices kickboxing all the time, but so far no rib shots or other painful assaults, which is nice. she seems pretty gentle even when she's really active.

my feet HATE it when i stand or walk for more than a few minutes at a time, and my legs don't like to get out of chairs, and usually i will get a cramp in my belly if i walk too fast... but those are the only real annoyances i'm dealing with. that and the mildly-swollen ankles most of the time. oh and i'm developing a massive bruise on my ribs where my stupid bra cuts into it, but i still don't want to buy new ones yet. it's impossible to say how much the bosom will change after birth...

OH! friend in labor today! her water broke at 5am and she is at the hospital now. i'm waiting for updates.

we start our childbirth education classes on thursday night, so that will be interesting. we may be meeting with the "other" midwives beforehand, just for a chat, depending on matt's feelings about it.

oh, another thing changing lately: i've been craving--as much as i get cravings--vegetables and fruit. i just want piles of fresh veggies and every fruit i can get my hands on. frozen peaches are heaven. just talking about it i had to go get an apple! i'm tempted to convert to raw food now, just because it's all i want to eat. (ohhh carrots. why don't i have any carrots?!)

other than that, nothing much is new. just hanging in there, waiting for the big day.

man, this is ridiculous. anytime i am tired, hungry, sore or otherwise not completely content i am at risk for having an uncontrollable emotional outburst. and i'm snippity.

we had a really bad morning today. matt was nice and awake earlier than he needed to be, but still in bed, and when it started to get late and he was still lounging, i got cranky really quickly and things just went downhill immediately. i got mad and he got mad and then i felt bad and didn't want to argue and started crying and couldn't stop. it's so stupid. i could've avoided that whole interchange if i had said ONE thing differently. but it just popped out.

so not only was i in-tears and puffy-faced, i was also 10 minutes late to work. fantastic. i really hate daylight savings time.

AND--some crap with family members is really getting to me. my parents--well my mom, at least--generally likes the name we chose--i'm not sure what my dad thinks--and my sister and her husband were really into it, even said it's "really pretty"... but my grandparents are being difficult. kinda shitty, in fact, which is highly unusual considering they are always supportive and understanding of my random strangeness. my grandmother called me the other night, ostensibly to discuss high-chairs; she was basically trying to dissuade me from wanting the one i really wanted by telling me it would get all smelly and moldy "really quickly" and then suggesting i get a stainless steel version instead (which i have never seen before). now, i completely understand her perspective and appreciated her advice and insight, but i know how to take care of wood. i am married to a carpenter. so i told her that i was glad for the insight but i definitely wanted that one, and she said she was going to get it for me despite sounding highly disappointed that i didn't change my mind. no big deal, really.

then she starts asking me (the actual reason for calling) "where did i get the name rowan from?" so i explained a little bit ('it's a tree with some nice mythological history') and then it really started. she didn't mean to, really--she wanted me to change my mind but she wasn't actually intending to be offensive--but she hurt my feelings quite a bit during that conversation. it took us SO LONG and a lot of difficulty to settle on that name, and frankly it's perfect, so i don't give a s*** what anyone else thinks, but geez... here are some of the things she said, verbatim (and keep in mind i am naming the little girl after her! a little gratitude wouldn't be out of place):

"i just don't get it"
"it doesn't sound like you and matt, i don't think of you with a girl named rowan"
"it sounds like a boy's name"
"it sounds like you're rowin' evelyn down the river!" (nice, huh?)
"grandpa says he's going to call her 'rep' [R.E.P.]"
"they're going to make fun of her at school, just wait" (good thing she'll be home-schooled...)
"it just doesn't fit you, i don't get it"
"i really liked lily, what happened to that?"

...to which my response, each time, was either silence, "hmm," or "you can call her whatever you want." and she just didn't get the fact that she was upsetting me. or she didn't care. it sucked.

then last night she called again, ostensibly to apologize FOR THE HIGH-CHAIR CONVERSATION, afraid she had been too pushy and hoping she hadn't upset me about that. ummm... ?? no, i appreciated her input. no mention of whether she had upset me about the name thing. so she's apologizing for the stupid high-chair thing and then--the real reason she called--went on to tell me about the crazy coincidence that her mother's (evelyn's) husband's mother's name was lily and how crazy is that? again with the name. as if all of a sudden, in light of that new information, i would say "hmm, you know, lily it is! nevermind if matt hates it!" it felt kind of like salt in the wound. not only had she NOT apologized for what really upset me, she actually kept making it worse. i couldn't believe it. i think one family name is plenty for me.

on top of that, i am quite sure matt's mother--if she even knows about our choice--hates it. so while i am standing my ground firmly with my family and, though hurt, not caring what they say, matt will almost certainly have a bee in his ear about it too. whether he ignores it or not is anyone's guess. so i'm trying not to worry that we will end up changing her name, because i really love it.

rowan gets to be her own individual and hopefully will not ever have to share her name with anyone she knows. that's all i want for her when it comes to a name.

this morning i came to an understanding regarding matt's previously inexplicable obsession with canning and food storage: he is nesting. whereas my urges tend towards "clean out and clean up" matt's have expressed themselves in a desire to "stock up" on useful things; namely food, gardening, animals (hence the rabbits), and compost.

i did not grasp this until literally this morning. i was getting a little frustrated with him for not sharing my desire to de-clutter, but now i see why he has been trying to amass a stockpile of "stuff" and i totally understand. it's kind of silly that i didn't see it earlier, actually.

to elaborate on what he's been doing:
- once a week he cooks a whole chicken, we use the meat for various things, and he makes a bone stock out of it. then he cans it. (we have an entire CABINET full of chicken stock.)
- every other week or so he does the same with a bunch of beef bones. we have a cabinet full of beef stock, too.
- he made and canned a from-scratch tomato sauce with and without beef.
- he's also canned: sweet potatoes, carrots, soups, pickled garlic, roasted red peppers, and dill beans. so far.
- he made fresh blackberry/strawberry jam the other night, and canned it.
- last night he baked 3 loaves of (super tasty) bread.

and none of this addresses the massive garden full of fresh lettuce and blooming pea vines he maintains, or the rabbits who are not quite ready to breed.

all of a sudden this is very, very endearing. up until now i have tolerated his quirky cooking mania and tried not to look while he destroys the kitchen with messes... but now, i get it. i even kind of feel like maybe the kitchen roles are switching! he's really claiming the space as his own more and more, and i am totally fine with that, if rather surprised. i think he probably is a better cook than me anyway... and i don't mind terribly washing dishes.

the only trouble is if i ever expect him to cook for me i will probably have to eat meat. he's been a little bit pushy about that recently--suddenly he thinks it's not healthy for me not to eat meat. nothing major, but small comments and "encouragement" to eat it have been coming out recently. i'm trying to think it's cute rather than get annoyed at it.

i can only imagine what sorts of culinary escapades he will invent for himself THIS weekend... apple butter? salsa? seasoned mushrooms? could be anything.

last night i was at a phd graduation celebration for a friend, and when i told a few of the girls that we chose "rowan" as her name, one of them (a girl from india, interestingly enough) piped up "like the tree!!" and i was kind of surprised/relieved that someone finally got the right reference... but she did even better... she got really excited and started going on about how it was like the poem in the Lord of the Rings books; i was completely blank about it, having read them years ago.

she went on and on about how it's a sad song in the forest sung by an ent looking for his lost rowans... so i went home and found it:

Bregalad's Lament

O Orofarnë, Lassemista, Carnimírië!
O rowan fair, upon your hair how white the blossom lay!
O rowan mine, I saw you shine upon a summer's day,
Your rind so bright, your leaves so light, your voice so cool and soft:
Upon your head how golden-red the crown you bore aloft!
O rowan dead, upon your head your hair is dry and grey;
Your crown is spilled, your voice is stilled for ever and a day.
O Orofarnë, Lassemista, Carnimírië!

and here is some commentary to put it in context:

Bregalad is an Ent, a shepherd of the trees. In this song he mourns the wanton desecration of his beloved rowans by the Evil Wizard Saruman's Evil Hordes. 'Orofarnë, Lassemista, Carnimírië!' means "mountain-dwelling, leaf- grey, with adornment of red jewels". But then, that should be obvious, neh?

anybody who knows me must realize how absurdly happy it makes me to have a tolkien reference to my daughter's name--unintentionally!! if i thought i could get away with it i might have named her arwen, lol. but this is so much better...

*smiling stupidly*

i really don't want to write a ranting post about vaccines--i rant enough!--but nonetheless i feel it is my duty as a compassionate human being to at least offer some information as a starting point so that others can take a step toward researching things on their own.

whatever anybody decides is their own business and i support you in your informed choices... but not to question and seek answers before making a decision about something concerning your child's health is just foolish. so please, if you have babies, do your research... googling "vaccine safety" is a good place to start; you will see both sides of the issue distributed pretty equally. (yes, there are TWO sides and it is an issue!)

and fyi, even if you really believe in the benefits of vaccines and know you want your child to have all or some of them, you should know you have EVERY RIGHT to delay them as long as you choose. the longer your baby has to develop its immune system before being pummeled by dead viruses and bacteria, the better chances of a safe outcome. even just spacing them out so that baby only gets one at a time can have a massively beneficial effect. and just because you allow one doesn't mean you have to allow all of them; you have the right to choose.

my stance on this, if you haven't guessed already, is strongly anti-vaccination. for those who feel the same way that i do, you should know that you have EVERY RIGHT to refuse all or some of the scheduled vaccinations for any reason you like. you will be told your child 'cannot enter public school' without them; this is a LIE. here in florida you have to fill out a form declaring your objections, but you can object and they cannot bar your child(ren) from school... though the counties will in most cases reserve the right to make them stay home in the case of an outbreak of this or that (which is likely for the best anyway). it does not make you a bad parent for refusing vaccinations; that is the heart of the "informed consent" doctrine which all citizens are entitled to.

you are entitled to know the risks of BOTH doing and not doing something, and to choose based on that information. the reality that doctors fail 99% of the time in truly informing us is why we must inform ourselves. what so many people don't understand about medicine is that it is almost always a gamble either way... whether you accept OR refuse any particular treatment or procedure, there are risks--they just differ. sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

and as a last note on the subject: if you are considering gardasil, p l e a s e research it thoroughly before going through with it! it hasn't even truly been tested rigorously, and is NOT approved for use in very young girls despite the widespread advertisement to the contrary. nor has it even been scientifically proven that HPV has a causal relationship with cervical cancer (correlation: yes, causation: no).

do your homework. in all things: "think for yourself. question authority." -timothy leary

edit 3/12/09:
i realized it was time to start accumulating any legally-necessary forms relating to vaccines and newborn care, should i end up in the hospital (birth plans are not enough). so i spent some time here and found what i was looking for, but the best thing i have ever seen in relation to vaccines and doctors and informed consent is this whammy response to a pushy doc. YOWZA! it's basically a total reversal of "informed consent" waiver forms... in this one, rather than YOU signing something saying "i understand the risks of not doing this blah blah" you are demanding that the doctor sign a form saying "i swear this is safe and i assume responsibility if it isn't." because--i hope you know this--it is within most state statutes that docs, pharm companies, school boards, etc, are all exempt from being held responsible if your child suffers from the administration of their "safe, FDA-approved" drugs. it's your problem if little johnny is autistic thanks to his DTaP shot. if it's really bad, maybe you will get lucky enough to settle with the 'no-fault' vaccine injury compensation program, though...

anyway, here i am ranting again when i said i didn't want to! ok ok one last tidbit: do you know how many vaccines contain aborted fetal tissue (not to mention the other scary sh*t they put in them)? what is, say, a catholic who opposes abortion to do about that? claim it's for the greater good and move on? *ponders* genesis 9 and leviticus 17 talk pretty extensively about not taking "blood" (ie, life) from other beings, and i can't find the quote about not mixing animal and human blood right now, but it's in there.

ok i'm done, really.

a whirlwind of things just happened and i don't know where they left me.

i made the mistake of not talking to matt about my feelings regarding the birth center, and so just a little while ago when he called me asking why i didn't need a ride home, i explained that i was going to an appointment at 1pm... he got pretty upset, unable to understand why i would want to switch care providers at 7 months pregnant, and felt i was being crazy and not accepting the "facts of life" (that most women have random people deliver their babies). i tried to explain that i was just going to talk to them, not necessarily switch, but he just didn't understand. i think the primary problem was that he was hurt i hadn't already mentioned anything to him, and just went ahead without hearing his opinion.

not 5 minutes after we hung up, the women called me to say that they can't meet me today because they have births happening. it felt like a sign.

now i am feeling regret (for not talking to matt in the first place), frustration (for him not understanding my position), and confusion (that maybe it IS a sign).

and i am seriously questioning myself re: is it really a big deal to just stick with the birth center? am i making a fuss over nothing? are my vague feelings inflating themselves out of proportion?

it is SO HARD to get a good sense of the rationality of my feelings, being pregnant. i'm really starting to think maybe i have been overreacting...

the reality is that matt and karen will be in the room with me during birth (and maybe my mom, i can't decide). isn't that enough? i probably won't even be aware of what the midwives are doing or not doing to me, let alone caring whether i know them or not. i'm trying to imagine birth from a normal-consciousness perspective and it's beginning to seem really absurd... i probably won't care about ANYthing except getting the baby out. so wtf?

it's all very confusing. i may just leave well enough alone and deal with the situation i've created for myself. that'll teach me not to choose my authority figures without weighing all the options better while i'm still able to think like a normal person.

bah!

i have been hesitant to state this "out loud" though i have been quietly discussing it with one or two people, but it's time to get it off my chest...

i'm thinking of leaving the birth center.

it's a great place, don't get me wrong--for most women wanting a natural birth it is the perfect mix of a reassuring, low-tech-but-efficient setup with all the benefits of being at home in a private, quiet space. the midwives are lovely. everyone is courteous and concerned without being overbearing or authoritative.

but i find more and more that i seem to be a "special case," and it's not fitting me. maybe i am a birth extremist (probably). maybe i am overconfident (possibly). but it just doesn't feel right anymore.

my reasons are thus:

1) i am now completely sure that they will attempt to "manage" my labor in many more ways than i am willing to accept. doppler "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. blood pressure/pulse checks "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. cervical checks at indeterminate intervals (she didn't answer my questions thoroughly today). these are things i know i am not OK with--i want to be left alone to labor on my own, especially during pushing! if i want help, i will ask for it, and if something is wrong, i will know it. that's all i ask, and it's more than they can give me.

2) i do not have any say in who will be attending for the birth--whoever is on call gets the job. one midwife, one assistant, not my choice.

3) i have only felt a genuine connection with one of the midwives there (possibly two, but less so with the second), and i only saw her once! the other few i either do not particularly like or have not interacted with. this is a problem! i have no interest whatsoever in having a stranger participate in the birth of my daughter. none. no way. i'm being stubborn enough about FAMILY being present for it; the last thing i want is some jackass midwife i haven't said 2 paragraphs to prodding me up the wahoo. this may seem trivial but it really isn't. and of course i know they are all caring, practiced, gentle women who will do their best to make me comfortable and happy, but the bottom line is they are still strangers. i don't want anyone i haven't developed a relationship with at this birth. i guess i was under the impression that through the 30 weeks of care at the BC i would have had the chance to establish rapport with everyone... but that just isn't the case. a woman, however caring she may be, who doesn't know me will inevitably treat me like "just another patient" and i will resent every moment of what should otherwise be the best day of my life.

4) i spoke with someone here at work who had their first baby at the BC and decided to go with NFRMC midwives for the second. he said his wife is like me (super-anti-intervention) and yet they felt that the hospital setting with these women would be better than their experience at the BC; he said the birth was fine and everything, but they felt sort of abandoned afterwards and his wife was unhappy with not knowing the midwife closely... choosing a hospital over a birth center, for someone like me, is insane. she must have really disliked something about her birth that he doesn't fully understand. that worries me.

all of these things are eating away at my comfort level with the BC. today i had my 30 week checkup and everything was ok (i'm "a little bit" anemic) but--adding to a slight pressure i felt regarding my questioning of rhogam last time*--i had a nearly-uncomfortable conversation with the mw about the waiver i signed for the glucose test. i SIGNED AN INFORMED CONSENT REFUSAL last time i was there, and yet she still brought it up and attempted to encourage (read: coerce) me into reconsidering via scare tactics. wtf? i signed the form, leave me alone. she wanted to know why i refused it and then proceeded to tell me that i could easily have gestational diabetes and never know it, and it could lead to problems... so she wanted me to sign another refusal form (why?!) stating that i had been informed of the risks of not having the test. well, that pissed me off, so i shot back with the only ammo i had and said "well i haven't been informed of the specific risks to the baby" and didn't sign until she told me; i already knew from my own research, but that's not the point. what she failed to mention, however, are the actual incidences of that kind of complications. plenty of scary possibilities, no hard numbers. i had to fight tears of anger at her putting me in the position of needing to defend my perfectly legal and acceptable decision, and that made me really frustrated.

i've said this a million times: i trust my body. why can't they accept that and let me make my own decisions?

i mean, for example, i bet if they tested my vitamin d levels they would freak out--i KNOW i am lacking it, because i've been quite literally craving sunlight exposure for months. i want to lay out in the sun and go to the beach every day its not cloudy out. i want to be naked in the blazing sun all the time (me, with the pale skin and light-blind eyes). but they don't test for that because the medical community hasn't got around to identifying it as a "risk factor" for this or that condition. even though vitamin d is a critical nutrient. so... what i am saying is that the things they DO worry about are sort of arbitrary anyway. really.

back to the point of this post: tomorrow i have a meeting with the "other" group of homebirth midwives in gainesville, the midwive's cooperative. i know a whole lot of people who have used them and not a one ever uttered a syllable of regret. in fact, one came close to wishing the midwife had done more at the birth instead of leaving her to do it herself. that's my kind of care, lol! so i will see what they have to say, sort out the logistics if necessary, and then talk to matt. these women appeal to me not only because they are so highly recommended, but also because it's up to the mother who attends her birth, and the chosen two will be the ONLY ones attending. no "well x is on call right now..."

i will go and meet them, and if it is love-at-first-words i will be switching. and having a homebirth, apparently. if not, i will stick it out with the birth center and see what i can do to labor at home until the last possible moment.

i'm just sick of feeling like i have to justify my decisions all the time. i am not an idiot and i'm not deliberately being difficult, but i FEEL like i am when i am questioned by people who's business it is none of. (there's a revealing statement--why do i feel like it's "none of their business"?? they are my midwives, after all. but that is how i feel.)

/end rant

*yeah, last time was the rhogam conversation. a midwife whom i do like had a blunt, but not quite aggressive, conversation with me about my indecision regarding taking the shot. she was truthful and not just trying to scare me, but it was clear we disagreed... i presented her with the research i had done, and the numbers, and yet she still seemed to think maybe i didn't understand what a wonderful life-saver it was. she obviously loves rhogam based on the things she was saying, and that's fine--we all have our biases. but it still made me uncomfortable. she's right, it is "gambling," but it's not for no reason. it's a gamble either way which is what they never want you to think about. and, as a parallel between rhogam and vaccines, she made a nearly-disparaging comment about the fact that her assistant that day "refuses to vaccinate her children," which kind of irked me. something about how that's fine nowadays because everyone else is vaccinated...

anyway today when the question of rhogam came up with a different midwife, i was presented with a totally different point of view. this one seemed to think it was no big deal whether i got the shot and assured me i would know if my blood mixed with the baby's (via trauma). the last chick specifically said, "most of the time if that happens you don't know it." wtf? can i get some consistency here? needless to say, i remain without it, non-sensitized to Rh+, and will wait until matt's blood test is done before i take any action.

rowan has been doing kung-fu acrobatics all day long!

i am feeling a strong urge to keep this to myself out of fear that matt will suddenly change his mind and break my heart... but i definitely picked a name. he gave me his "top 5" from our list, i did some research and some soul-searching, and have adopted her name in my head.

now i just have to do it publicly and pray he doesn't go all gemini on me, shifting like the wind. i sent him an email about it because i couldn't bear to say it over the phone! it's THAT likely for him to just up and say "nah, i don't really like it anymore" now that i have my heart set on it.

*sigh*

her name will be... rowan evelyn. here's why:

ROWAN

From an Irish surname, an Anglicized form of Ó Ruadháin meaning "descendent of RUADHÁN".
- Means "little red one", derived from Gaelic ruadh "red" combined with a diminutive suffix.
- This name can also be given in reference to the rowan tree.

The Rowan, a tree of protection and insights, was known to be a tree belonging to the Faery. This tree was also believed to guard the gateway to the spirit world and its boughs often used for dowsing and deflecting spells. The Rowan is sometimes called the "Whispering Tree" and ancient legend tells that it has secrets to reveal to those who would but listen. The Rowan has been associated throughout history with protection against wickedness and is believed to be the wood which was used to engrave the Norse Runes. Its name is linked with the Norse "Runa" or "Rundall," meaning "a charm." It is also associated with the Sanskrit "Runall" meaning "magician."

The Rowan tree, whose blossoms are members of the Rose family, flowers in May. Also known as the Mountain Ash (although it is not related to the true Ashes), this tree is sometimes referred to as the "Lady of the Mountains," due to the fact that it often grows in the most inhospitable of places, though it is most frequently found in mountainous areas as well as gardens.

rowan evelyn numerology: 7, 6, 1

• destiny number 7: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating (scholar/mystic)

• soul urge number 6: huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load (builder/facilitator)

• inner dream number 1: You want to be known for your courage, daring, and original ideas (leader)

did you catch that part about the first woman being created from the rowan tree? it's so not a feminine name, but that really (surprisingly) pegs it as the "ultimate" in feminine. at least from one perspective. i love that. there are a thousand reasons why this name just fits with everything relating to the pregnancy and the impressions i get from her, but i don't think i need to go into them here. it is, however, the only name other than 'lily' that came to me via inspiration and out of nowhere. it's perfect.

so, i write this post in a good deal of anxiety over the fact that i might have to come back and delete it. but there it is.

edit 3/5/09:
matt is on board!!! i was seriously worried about him changing his mind on me, to the point that i told him i didn't even want to tell him my decision... he got kinda pissy about that and made me tell him, and of course the first thing he said was "i don't think that was on my top 5 list." TYPICAL! but, i dragged the crumpled paper evidence out of the trash to show him his own handwriting when we got home, and after that nothing else was said about it. to my dismay.

then a little while later i saw (looking over his shoulder at the computer) that he named our new mp3 player "rowan's"--that means he's in! i was so, so happy to see that. he must have read my email about it in the meantime and decided i was right...

*shakes head* matt and his weird little subtle non-communications.

a while ago i posted this:

WOW. i don't know why it never occurred to me, but why the hell shouldn't you try to keep your baby diaper free? apparently there is a whole method for essentially potty-training infants to go over a bowl or the toilet (of course you have to get them there in time). just think of the water and hassle that would save, not having to wash diapers... i am definitely going to try that. this whole childcare thing literally seems to get easier the more i read. why on earth have we made this process so built-up and complicated? so full of useless stuff and gadgets and disposable necessities? it's madness i tell you.

and i am now seriously reading up on "elimination communication" because i am convinced i want to try this. think about it: we teach our babies that they are expected to soil themselves and sit in it until convenience allows us to change them... and then, abruptly, around 2-3 years old we expect them suddenly to understand that is a bad thing to do? huh?!

nope, everything i'm reading tells me that we instinctively do not want to soil ourselves. i know i didn't, as a baby (according to my mom). so why not give my baby the opportunity to stay clean by offering a better place to go than her pants, and thus also avoiding confusion later?

the beauty of this idea is that ultimately it is not about having a non-diaper-wearing baby; it's about communication, awareness, and meeting your child's instinctive needs, as well as vastly reducing the amount of hassle/expense/whatever from using diapers. i'd rather wash 5 diapers from "accidents" when i fail to catch her signals than 18 because i let her wallow in filth 24/7. also in developing your own awareness of the baby's bodily functions--and signaling them with a sound--helps them develop their own awareness of the same functions. supposedly babies are born with the awareness of elimination acts (and instinctively try to avoid doing it on themselves, hence "he peed as soon as i took the diaper off!"), but through conditioning via wearing diapers for 3 years, they lose the ability to recognize their own urges. they can just go anywhere, anytime, so why spend attention on it? it happens and they don't even realize it, let alone control it.

it sounds crazy but i really recommend reading up on it... it seems to work universally. and btw 85% of babies in the world do not wear diapers, so this isn't some crazy new-age idea... it just takes attention, patience, and some amount of tolerance for not getting it right 100% of the time.

(as for the idea of having to be totally in-tune with baby and reading subtle signals that she may have to go--well, i always know what my cat wants or is trying to say, and she's a cat. i can read her like a book. i would expect much more from a human child, especially considering she will be made of half my DNA... intuition may serve us well here!)

anyway, i see nothing wrong with having her in diapers as a "backup plan" to avoid messes while focusing primarily on EC. should be interesting!

some resources:

tribal baby.org - nappy-free (site)

mothering.com - elimination communication (forum)

the diaper-free baby (book)

i have been meaning to pick up some rescue remedy for a while now--i have the occasional emotional breakdown where i just can't control myself (it's the hormones) and i'm thinking it might help. anyway i just went to the main bach flower site and found that rescue remedy and walnut are good for labor:

Walnut

"For those who have definite ideals and ambitions in life and are fulfilling them, but on rare occasions are tempted to be led away from their own ideas, aims and work by the enthusiasm convictions or strong opinions of others. The remedy gives constancy and protection from outside influences."

Rescue Remedy

• Impatiens: For those who act and think quickly, and have no patience for what they see as the slowness of others. They often prefer to work alone. Teaches empathy and understanding of and patience with others. We've found it very fast-acting in alleviating an impatient attitude and lowering stress.
• Star of Bethlehem: For trauma and shock, whether experienced recently or in the past. Teaches the ability to recover from traumas and to integrate them into the present life.
• Cherry Plum: For those who fear losing control of their thoughts and actions and doing things they know are bad for them or which they consider wrong. Teaches trust in one's spontaneous wisdom and the courage to follow one's path.
• Rock Rose: For situations in which one experiences panic or terror.
• Clematis: For those who find their lives unhappy and withdraw into fantasy worlds. They are ungrounded and indifferent to the details of everyday life. Teaches one to establish a bridge between the physical world and the world of ideas; may foster great creativity. Is also used to bring clarity and alertness to the present moment.

These combinations of Bach Flower Remedies that is especially beneficial when you find yourself in traumatic situations, such as, stress, emergencies, after getting bad news, before an exam or job interview and all other kind of situations where we suddenly lose balance mentally. The Remedies quickly get us back in our normal balance so that we calmly can deal with any situation.

i find it pretty interesting that he recommends walnut--it seems like the perfect thing, to me, but how unusual that protecting against "outside influences" trump things like pain relief, calm, anxiety help, etc. pretty cool.

anyway. that's all i had to say about that.

matt gave me his final 'top 5' name choices, so i am working on deciding them as we speak--i expect to have a name in the next day or so (though honestly i think i already have it).

yay!