i have been hesitant to state this "out loud" though i have been quietly discussing it with one or two people, but it's time to get it off my chest...
i'm thinking of leaving the birth center.
it's a great place, don't get me wrong--for most women wanting a natural birth it is the perfect mix of a reassuring, low-tech-but-efficient setup with all the benefits of being at home in a private, quiet space. the midwives are lovely. everyone is courteous and concerned without being overbearing or authoritative.
but i find more and more that i seem to be a "special case," and it's not fitting me. maybe i am a birth extremist (probably). maybe i am overconfident (possibly). but it just doesn't feel right anymore.
my reasons are thus:
1) i am now completely sure that they will attempt to "manage" my labor in many more ways than i am willing to accept. doppler "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. blood pressure/pulse checks "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. cervical checks at indeterminate intervals (she didn't answer my questions thoroughly today). these are things i know i am not OK with--i want to be left alone to labor on my own, especially during pushing! if i want help, i will ask for it, and if something is wrong, i will know it. that's all i ask, and it's more than they can give me.
2) i do not have any say in who will be attending for the birth--whoever is on call gets the job. one midwife, one assistant, not my choice.
3) i have only felt a genuine connection with one of the midwives there (possibly two, but less so with the second), and i only saw her once! the other few i either do not particularly like or have not interacted with. this is a problem! i have no interest whatsoever in having a stranger participate in the birth of my daughter. none. no way. i'm being stubborn enough about FAMILY being present for it; the last thing i want is some jackass midwife i haven't said 2 paragraphs to prodding me up the wahoo. this may seem trivial but it really isn't. and of course i know they are all caring, practiced, gentle women who will do their best to make me comfortable and happy, but the bottom line is they are still strangers. i don't want anyone i haven't developed a relationship with at this birth. i guess i was under the impression that through the 30 weeks of care at the BC i would have had the chance to establish rapport with everyone... but that just isn't the case. a woman, however caring she may be, who doesn't know me will inevitably treat me like "just another patient" and i will resent every moment of what should otherwise be the best day of my life.
4) i spoke with someone here at work who had their first baby at the BC and decided to go with NFRMC midwives for the second. he said his wife is like me (super-anti-intervention) and yet they felt that the hospital setting with these women would be better than their experience at the BC; he said the birth was fine and everything, but they felt sort of abandoned afterwards and his wife was unhappy with not knowing the midwife closely... choosing a hospital over a birth center, for someone like me, is insane. she must have really disliked something about her birth that he doesn't fully understand. that worries me.
all of these things are eating away at my comfort level with the BC. today i had my 30 week checkup and everything was ok (i'm "a little bit" anemic) but--adding to a slight pressure i felt regarding my questioning of rhogam last time*--i had a nearly-uncomfortable conversation with the mw about the waiver i signed for the glucose test. i SIGNED AN INFORMED CONSENT REFUSAL last time i was there, and yet she still brought it up and attempted to encourage (read: coerce) me into reconsidering via scare tactics. wtf? i signed the form, leave me alone. she wanted to know why i refused it and then proceeded to tell me that i could easily have gestational diabetes and never know it, and it could lead to problems... so she wanted me to sign another refusal form (why?!) stating that i had been informed of the risks of not having the test. well, that pissed me off, so i shot back with the only ammo i had and said "well i haven't been informed of the specific risks to the baby" and didn't sign until she told me; i already knew from my own research, but that's not the point. what she failed to mention, however, are the actual incidences of that kind of complications. plenty of scary possibilities, no hard numbers. i had to fight tears of anger at her putting me in the position of needing to defend my perfectly legal and acceptable decision, and that made me really frustrated.
i've said this a million times: i trust my body. why can't they accept that and let me make my own decisions?
i mean, for example, i bet if they tested my vitamin d levels they would freak out--i KNOW i am lacking it, because i've been quite literally craving sunlight exposure for months. i want to lay out in the sun and go to the beach every day its not cloudy out. i want to be naked in the blazing sun all the time (me, with the pale skin and light-blind eyes). but they don't test for that because the medical community hasn't got around to identifying it as a "risk factor" for this or that condition. even though vitamin d is a critical nutrient. so... what i am saying is that the things they DO worry about are sort of arbitrary anyway. really.
back to the point of this post: tomorrow i have a meeting with the "other" group of homebirth midwives in gainesville, the midwive's cooperative. i know a whole lot of people who have used them and not a one ever uttered a syllable of regret. in fact, one came close to wishing the midwife had done more at the birth instead of leaving her to do it herself. that's my kind of care, lol! so i will see what they have to say, sort out the logistics if necessary, and then talk to matt. these women appeal to me not only because they are so highly recommended, but also because it's up to the mother who attends her birth, and the chosen two will be the ONLY ones attending. no "well x is on call right now..."
i will go and meet them, and if it is love-at-first-words i will be switching. and having a homebirth, apparently. if not, i will stick it out with the birth center and see what i can do to labor at home until the last possible moment.
i'm just sick of feeling like i have to justify my decisions all the time. i am not an idiot and i'm not deliberately being difficult, but i FEEL like i am when i am questioned by people who's business it is none of. (there's a revealing statement--why do i feel like it's "none of their business"?? they are my midwives, after all. but that is how i feel.)
/end rant
*yeah, last time was the rhogam conversation. a midwife whom i do like had a blunt, but not quite aggressive, conversation with me about my indecision regarding taking the shot. she was truthful and not just trying to scare me, but it was clear we disagreed... i presented her with the research i had done, and the numbers, and yet she still seemed to think maybe i didn't understand what a wonderful life-saver it was. she obviously loves rhogam based on the things she was saying, and that's fine--we all have our biases. but it still made me uncomfortable. she's right, it is "gambling," but it's not for no reason. it's a gamble either way which is what they never want you to think about. and, as a parallel between rhogam and vaccines, she made a nearly-disparaging comment about the fact that her assistant that day "refuses to vaccinate her children," which kind of irked me. something about how that's fine nowadays because everyone else is vaccinated...
anyway today when the question of rhogam came up with a different midwife, i was presented with a totally different point of view. this one seemed to think it was no big deal whether i got the shot and assured me i would know if my blood mixed with the baby's (via trauma). the last chick specifically said, "most of the time if that happens you don't know it." wtf? can i get some consistency here? needless to say, i remain without it, non-sensitized to Rh+, and will wait until matt's blood test is done before i take any action.
rowan has been doing kung-fu acrobatics all day long!
i'm thinking of leaving the birth center.
it's a great place, don't get me wrong--for most women wanting a natural birth it is the perfect mix of a reassuring, low-tech-but-efficient setup with all the benefits of being at home in a private, quiet space. the midwives are lovely. everyone is courteous and concerned without being overbearing or authoritative.
but i find more and more that i seem to be a "special case," and it's not fitting me. maybe i am a birth extremist (probably). maybe i am overconfident (possibly). but it just doesn't feel right anymore.
my reasons are thus:
1) i am now completely sure that they will attempt to "manage" my labor in many more ways than i am willing to accept. doppler "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. blood pressure/pulse checks "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. cervical checks at indeterminate intervals (she didn't answer my questions thoroughly today). these are things i know i am not OK with--i want to be left alone to labor on my own, especially during pushing! if i want help, i will ask for it, and if something is wrong, i will know it. that's all i ask, and it's more than they can give me.
2) i do not have any say in who will be attending for the birth--whoever is on call gets the job. one midwife, one assistant, not my choice.
3) i have only felt a genuine connection with one of the midwives there (possibly two, but less so with the second), and i only saw her once! the other few i either do not particularly like or have not interacted with. this is a problem! i have no interest whatsoever in having a stranger participate in the birth of my daughter. none. no way. i'm being stubborn enough about FAMILY being present for it; the last thing i want is some jackass midwife i haven't said 2 paragraphs to prodding me up the wahoo. this may seem trivial but it really isn't. and of course i know they are all caring, practiced, gentle women who will do their best to make me comfortable and happy, but the bottom line is they are still strangers. i don't want anyone i haven't developed a relationship with at this birth. i guess i was under the impression that through the 30 weeks of care at the BC i would have had the chance to establish rapport with everyone... but that just isn't the case. a woman, however caring she may be, who doesn't know me will inevitably treat me like "just another patient" and i will resent every moment of what should otherwise be the best day of my life.
4) i spoke with someone here at work who had their first baby at the BC and decided to go with NFRMC midwives for the second. he said his wife is like me (super-anti-intervention) and yet they felt that the hospital setting with these women would be better than their experience at the BC; he said the birth was fine and everything, but they felt sort of abandoned afterwards and his wife was unhappy with not knowing the midwife closely... choosing a hospital over a birth center, for someone like me, is insane. she must have really disliked something about her birth that he doesn't fully understand. that worries me.
all of these things are eating away at my comfort level with the BC. today i had my 30 week checkup and everything was ok (i'm "a little bit" anemic) but--adding to a slight pressure i felt regarding my questioning of rhogam last time*--i had a nearly-uncomfortable conversation with the mw about the waiver i signed for the glucose test. i SIGNED AN INFORMED CONSENT REFUSAL last time i was there, and yet she still brought it up and attempted to encourage (read: coerce) me into reconsidering via scare tactics. wtf? i signed the form, leave me alone. she wanted to know why i refused it and then proceeded to tell me that i could easily have gestational diabetes and never know it, and it could lead to problems... so she wanted me to sign another refusal form (why?!) stating that i had been informed of the risks of not having the test. well, that pissed me off, so i shot back with the only ammo i had and said "well i haven't been informed of the specific risks to the baby" and didn't sign until she told me; i already knew from my own research, but that's not the point. what she failed to mention, however, are the actual incidences of that kind of complications. plenty of scary possibilities, no hard numbers. i had to fight tears of anger at her putting me in the position of needing to defend my perfectly legal and acceptable decision, and that made me really frustrated.
i've said this a million times: i trust my body. why can't they accept that and let me make my own decisions?
i mean, for example, i bet if they tested my vitamin d levels they would freak out--i KNOW i am lacking it, because i've been quite literally craving sunlight exposure for months. i want to lay out in the sun and go to the beach every day its not cloudy out. i want to be naked in the blazing sun all the time (me, with the pale skin and light-blind eyes). but they don't test for that because the medical community hasn't got around to identifying it as a "risk factor" for this or that condition. even though vitamin d is a critical nutrient. so... what i am saying is that the things they DO worry about are sort of arbitrary anyway. really.
back to the point of this post: tomorrow i have a meeting with the "other" group of homebirth midwives in gainesville, the midwive's cooperative. i know a whole lot of people who have used them and not a one ever uttered a syllable of regret. in fact, one came close to wishing the midwife had done more at the birth instead of leaving her to do it herself. that's my kind of care, lol! so i will see what they have to say, sort out the logistics if necessary, and then talk to matt. these women appeal to me not only because they are so highly recommended, but also because it's up to the mother who attends her birth, and the chosen two will be the ONLY ones attending. no "well x is on call right now..."
i will go and meet them, and if it is love-at-first-words i will be switching. and having a homebirth, apparently. if not, i will stick it out with the birth center and see what i can do to labor at home until the last possible moment.
i'm just sick of feeling like i have to justify my decisions all the time. i am not an idiot and i'm not deliberately being difficult, but i FEEL like i am when i am questioned by people who's business it is none of. (there's a revealing statement--why do i feel like it's "none of their business"?? they are my midwives, after all. but that is how i feel.)
/end rant
*yeah, last time was the rhogam conversation. a midwife whom i do like had a blunt, but not quite aggressive, conversation with me about my indecision regarding taking the shot. she was truthful and not just trying to scare me, but it was clear we disagreed... i presented her with the research i had done, and the numbers, and yet she still seemed to think maybe i didn't understand what a wonderful life-saver it was. she obviously loves rhogam based on the things she was saying, and that's fine--we all have our biases. but it still made me uncomfortable. she's right, it is "gambling," but it's not for no reason. it's a gamble either way which is what they never want you to think about. and, as a parallel between rhogam and vaccines, she made a nearly-disparaging comment about the fact that her assistant that day "refuses to vaccinate her children," which kind of irked me. something about how that's fine nowadays because everyone else is vaccinated...
anyway today when the question of rhogam came up with a different midwife, i was presented with a totally different point of view. this one seemed to think it was no big deal whether i got the shot and assured me i would know if my blood mixed with the baby's (via trauma). the last chick specifically said, "most of the time if that happens you don't know it." wtf? can i get some consistency here? needless to say, i remain without it, non-sensitized to Rh+, and will wait until matt's blood test is done before i take any action.
rowan has been doing kung-fu acrobatics all day long!
Posts
Post a Comment