september mama

a few nights ago i had another dream that included a moment of total and complete certainty that everything is fucked.* i look outside at the moon, in a sky that is too bright for night and too dim for day, and it is HUGE--the size of a dinner plate or larger--and there is a strange colorful/hazy halo all around it. seeing this is like being punched in the stomach, an instant knowing that all things are ending now and there is no more time left to mess around. i find myself dreading what i know i have to do, which is to explain to my family that we have to leave... i dread having to try to justify how i know what is happening and how i know where we need to go, because there isn't time to argue and i know they will doubt me. it's terrifying and i fear we are already out of time and that they won't listen.

i make note of this dream because, like the others, it didn't feel like a "normal" dream. it didn't feel like something my silly brain just invented during a mundane sleep. i don't know what to make of it.

*i had completely forgotten dream #3 in the older post until i just now read it again. wow. i am starting to wonder if these dreams aren't messages of some kind... maybe i am a contactee???? *nervous laugh*

oh liam. he is getting really cute lately (thankfully). he's already 9lb7oz, too! rowan took a good 6 weeks to get to 9lbs... and he is finally smiling at me when i "play" with him. it's gorgeous.

life is nice. the house is a little less clean than i'd like and i am dealing with some of the less wonderful aspects of motherhood (leaky boobs, unwashed/unbrushed hair, wearing pajamas all day) but mostly it's pleasant and more relaxed than i would have expected. rowan is watching way too much tv in the form of DVDs, but at this point i don't have the will to fight with her or the stamina to entertain her myself. it's bad and i know it but i'm letting it go for now.

i have rejoined a mama's group in the hopes that soon we can start hanging out with playdates, so we'll see if that works out. tomorrow is kai's birthday halloween party, which rowan is pretty excited about--she's going to be a bumblebee as before, and i'm playing leia with a little yoda in tow, thanks to auntie lawlaw's awesome knitting skills in making one of these for liam. my hair just happens to be long enough to make some decent leia buns, too :). i wish matt were joining us as han solo, but alas, he has to work.

on the farm side of things, we have sort of flopped this month. two of our newest hens are roosters, the eggs i was incubating are duds, the rabbit didn't have babies, and butters is STILL pregnant. blah. something funny happened the past few days though--rowan encountered her first tortoise up-close and didn't like him. he was walking through the yard back to his little hole, so i brought her near enough to see him well, and she stared and stared, then when he continued to walk she freaked. she wasn't totally terrified but she did not want to stick around to see where he was going. she wanted in the house right that minute. it was very funny and pretty surprising. today she reacted even more emotionally when a rather large roach/beetle/thing scurried out from under her plastic pool where she was playing... she practically fell all over herself trying to get away and cried! i'm not sure where this fear-of-creatures thing is coming from, but i hope it's a phase... even though it's funny.

i have officially begun a workout regime, which so far consists of squats and plies and some easy ab exercises, as i still have that gap in my stomach muscles and thus shouldn't do crunches. i put a few workout videos on the netflix queue also, and will be aiming for at least one session--of anything--every day. i'm a hundred and freaking fifty pounds (i was shocked) so i have no time to waste. i want my body back!! i'm trying to eat a lot of raw food and frequent small meals, since that always works wonders to whittle me down. i hate trying to lose weight, even though i don't mind exercise at all. it's disappointing and stressful and i somehow can never see the results even when i get them.

leaving on a happy note: knowing that liam is our last baby is actually a strangely pleasant feeling. i know, for instance, that in about 5 months i will have time to myself again. in about 4 months he will be able to sit on his own. in two months or so, he will eat less often and be awake and interactive for most of the day. it's helping me to really appreciate this needy-newborn stage... it goes so fast and then it's gone forever. he won't want to cuddle with me for much longer *sniffle* and he won't be sleeping with me in bed anymore soon enough... so i'm enjoying it even when i just want 10 minutes to myself.

i'm working on rowan's xmas list for the grandparents--more of a "don't buy" list than anything else, really. but the point is to provide a list of things that they can buy that won't 1) clutter up her room with needless toys and 2) provide some kind of education or character expansion rather than distraction.

so far i've got:
- sidewalk chalk
- a drum
- a keyboard
- sand for her existing sandbox, which she has basically emptied
- a sprinkler toy, like this or one of these (holy crap she would LOVE that)
- size 6-7 shoes
- yookidoo bath spout
- finger paints and a paper pad
- one of those magnetic doodle pads
- xylophone (preferably wooden)
- hand puppets

stuff for "all" of us:
- a 2-seater bicycle trailer
- one of those leashes previously mentioned

she already has a tricycle, some play silks, an outdoor gym thing, and several balls... and i know it sounds crazy but we do not need any more books right now--she has SO many and hasn't been reading them very much lately. i don't need anything for liam since we have "baby" toys aplenty and clothes to last him at least through 6 months!

i will be adding to this as i think of things, and suggestions are welcome.

i suck at updates, but i have good excuses! things are going well, in general, though i have realized rowan is bored to tears by our daily life. i need to find her a playgroup NOW or risk her hating me and our house permanently, lol. she's been seeing her cousin kai a lot, which they both love, but there is some driving distance issue that makes it tough to hang out as much as we'd all like.

she's been sort of aggressive, too. it's upsetting but i realize it is totally normal, and i'm not handling it the way i need to be. i've tended to smack her hand when she does something mean (mostly pinching/scratching) and i need to shift my tactics to "time out" style, calm discipline. luckily she hasn't been directing any of it at liam... but she was mean to kai yesterday when she was really tired and he was fussing. i'm really trying to tell myself "it's ok, it's normal" but i hate it sooooo much. my angel is being kind of a brat lately. *squirm*

on the good side, she initiated a "big girl bed" nap this morning!!! i was shocked and delighted when she climbed in for a nap and asked for her bottle, but i tucked her in and walked away anyhow... and she actually slept in it! hooray for transitions begun!

liam is growing like a weed, to the point that he's really not a helpless newborn anymore, at 3 weeks old. he's sturdy and mature-seeming in addition to outgrowing several of his sleepers. he's a good baby but again i'm failing in terms of establishing nighttime routines. i need to get him a regular time for bath and bed and do like i did with rowan if i want him to learn to sleep in his cradle.

well this was short but i'll be back with pics later--time to rescue the angel/brat.

i realized the other day, while out with matt's mom, liam, and rowan, that i need help. either that or i need to stay home until liam is big enough for the baby bjorn and some potentially serious jostling. rowan is just all over the place when we go out--and she's fast!--and while nursing/slinging a newborn i cannot keep up with her. it was sort of scary and definitely eye-opening.

so i've been considering employing or crafting a child leash. yes, i said it. this post cracked me up because she basically summed up my previous attitude, and subsequent change, perfectly. you can't argue with what makes sense.

rowan really likes to walk by herself now that she's confident on her feet (and has terribly fashionable shoes to show off) and i can't very well carry her anymore, so i don't really see what other option there is... plus she loves backpacks so i think something like this would suit us all wonderfully. of course i could make a ghetto version no problem, but i think the cute animal factor can't hurt.

going to add that to her xmas list, i think...

thanks cryptogon:

New Book Looks at Connection Between Mobile Devices and a Host of Health Problems

October 12th, 2010

Is this partially why so many men are shooting blanks?

And what is the compelling evidence to suggest that cellphones might be tied to sterility in men?

In 2008, researchers found that men with the lowest sperm counts were significantly more likely to keep their phones on their bodies all the time. And it’s been found that the sperm exposed to the highest level of radiation from the phone were the most deformed and the worst swimmers. An Australian team led by a fellow named John Aitkin believes that cellphone radiation weakens the ability of the sperm cell to swim because it’s affecting mitochondrial DNA (mitochondria are basically the engines of the cell). Very similar work was done at one of the top research institutions in Turkey, and in Poland, Hungary and India.

Disconnect: The Truth About Cell Phone Radiation, What the Industry Has Done to Hide It, and How to Protect Your Family by Devra Davis

liam is such a good baby! "good" meaning "easy," that is. he sleeps for long stretches both day and night, wakes to eat (a lot, for a long time) and then sleeps more. he's getting a little more interactive and wants to look around at stuff as the days go on, too, which is nice. i feel a little weird about this because for some reason i am kind of anti-pacifier, but he has been trying so hard to grab his thumb that i actually bought a pacifier... and he really likes it. i'm limiting the use to 'baby-is-crying-and-i-have-to-help-rowan' moments, mostly, and i hope to cut it out as soon as he finds that thumb. i guess i'm against it because something tells me he should be nursing if he wants to suck that badly; but there are times he just can't, like in the car. so it's ok.

rowan has been a little bit irritable lately, but i'm not really sure it has anything to do with liam... she is also cutting at least one canine and that second molar is still pushing itself fully out. and she hasn't had a nap in days, thanks to the teeth. so any of the above could be reasons for her crankiness (and she is still apparently in love with the baby). we had a bunch of visitors this last week or so and matt's dad is coming up soon too, so at least she hasn't been bored!

on the farm side of things, big news--butters is most definitely very pregnant. (did i post that already?) you can see a calf moving around in her huge belly, so we've stopped milking and will let her dry up before giving birth and starting a new lactation. marge is cute and mostly pointless, but she's happy. we bred one of the rabbit does and she should be having kits next weekend. i'm incubating a batch of eggs under a heat lamp that should be due right about halloween, if they hatch at all. matt has the garden prepped for winter/spring crops and i think he will be planting any day now... he seeded the soon-to-be second pasture with rye for the winter too. oh, and he managed to CATCH a wild pig last week!! it was pretty nuts... he saw them running around in the field next door and decided he wanted to trap one, and the next day he actually did it. i have no idea how, but the little thing was in a 4x4 dog pen before i knew it. he intended to butcher it but i am glad that he didn't, as we didn't "need" any more porcine flesh in the deep freezer and it was a bit small for that. he let it go instead, when he decided that it was more work than the meat would be worth. last thing, matt's mom brought us two gorgeous muscadine vines that i am quite excited about.

so i've been going to this "revelation" bible study class with my mom, mostly just to hear what the xtians really think about that highly intriguing bit of prophecy, and partly because i know she wanted me to go. but anyway, last night someone said something to me that actually made me pause for a minute and feel proud of myself, which is something that i basically never experience (for whatever reason). she was saying how she told someone about me: "she milks her own cows, makes her own yogurt and butter and cheese, and has babies in her bathtub!" and for a minute, i actually thought to myself, 'hey, that IS pretty awesome!' i also make my own soap and makeup and knit things, too. it's been a really, really long time since i felt anything like pride in myself. i assume this must be a phase of healing via homebirth after the trauma of rowan's birth... i did it, and now i am free to have confidence again.

luckily i have ben folds to remind me, "there's always someone cooler than you." wouldn't want it to go to my head :)

i am taken aback by how easy this is, so far. yes, i have a newborn who sleeps a LOT, but even when he's not sleeping things are going so amazingly well! rowan is happy, he is happy, i am happy and totally unstressed, my house is clean (like, really really clean), and i even usually have time to brush my teeth and shower every day. my hair is neglected but i'm ok with that, lol.

liam does have some gross eye goo going on that i am no longer worried about, but definitely watching. yesterday we took him to have his bilirubin levels tested--apparently it's "routine" for a jaundiced newborn--which was sort of a fiasco but i don't need to get into it. i had them do a PKU test too, just for the hell of it. i have issue with the privacy and usage laws in florida on genetic material, but i'd like to know if he happens to have some random disorder... and since they were pricking his heels anyhow, it seemed like the right thing to do. he took it like a champ though! he fussed for a second but i let him have my pinky and he calmed himself immediately. tough guy. his nighttime sleeping habits are awesome too; he sleeps 3 hours, wakes to eat, and back out again. the only trouble i am having is that he doesn't want to sleep in his cradle... he doesn't need to nurse all night (which rowan did--ugh!), and i don't have to hold him, but i guess the cradle is uncomfortable or something b/c he has so far only slept well in the bed. when matt comes back to the room with us tonight it's going to be interesting... i'm not into having daddy-the-heavy-sleeper in bed with baby.

rowan has been having a great old time lately, as we've had a few of her little friends over to visit, my mom has been around constantly, and people keep bringing her presents. and she loves the baby. tomorrow matt's mom will be coming in and that will make her weekend... toys and constant attention galore! she's been so good. she has two molars now and working on the canines. at the doc's it turns out she is above 90% for weight and 75% for height! i can't believe the mini-girl has become a giant... but then again, i was a large child too, until i turned 12 and everyone kept growing except me. hehe.

i have farm updates too for later... baby up...

is Liam Matthew. after 4 days we finally settled on it.