september mama

well, something was definitely happening. we had a baby that night!

the facts:
i asked debbie to check me around 530pm and i was dilated to 3cm, and by about 630pm i was having contractions enough to make me pause and breathe while i made dinner. we ate, and by 730 i was in bed coping and trying to rest. i'm not sure how long i was there before i felt like i had better get in the tub, but labor was for real so i called debbie and we agreed she'd give it a little while and then leave (she lives over an hour away!)... and i got in the bath and never got back out again. matt called karen and my mom at some point, too, such that they all arrived at exactly the same time (i'm told it was 9:40pm).

by the time karen popped her head in the bathroom i was in or past transition and had had several "pushy" contractions. there was a definite period where i was falling asleep between them so i assume they spaced out and gave me a rest the way books always say it happens during transition. debbie came in to set up and then went back out for a little bit, and i'm not sure when but shortly after that i told karen to get matt because i was feeling the baby's head in my birth canal! i wasn't sure how fast it would all go, but i knew he needed to be there asap... after a few more pushy contractions i told them to let my mom in too, and then all of a sudden he was crowning. it felt like it took forever for that to end... it was intense... but as soon as his head was out the rest of him came on the next push. straight into the bath and up into my arms and it was over. he was born at 1042pm on september 29. 7lb 12oz.

my reflections:
first, debbie was the best midwife ever. i needed no help and she offered none save once; i was struggling to birth his head as slowly as i could--"pushing" is more like holding on for dear life--and she said "take control of it" and that was the only advice or intervention she gave me the entire time she was present. no blood pressure checks, no heart tone checks, no temperatures... she let me give birth without making herself important or necessary for any reason whatsoever. it was amazing.

as for the birth, i got exactly what i was too afraid to dare i could have... despite the onlookers (which is all they were, though matt being there meant more of course) i had an unassisted birth. no one spoke, no one intervened, and i labored alone in the dark in my bathtub the entire time, which was surprisingly short. i think there was an oil lamp and a few candles lit, actually, but it was basically the dark. debbie told me later it was as peaceful of a birth as she has ever seen, and that made me really happy. from my perspective it was thrashing and shouting, but apparently i didn't actually do what i imagined i was doing. i birthed his head leaning over the side of the tub on my knees, and once it was out i sort of flopped backwards to birth the rest of him and take him out of the water. my poor mom, finally allowed into the birth room, missed the birth because of a phone call. she went out to get something for debbie, the phone rang, and when she came back he was out. i think she was pretty upset about it, but i did my best to give her a chance at least.

(my train of thought is a little off b/c i've been writing this for 3 days)

i know that labor technically went from about 330-1042 but for me it was really only the last two to three hours that were "labor" which is so shocking to me since rowan's was a full 17 hours of excruciating contractions from start to finish (thank you very much, castor oil). it wasn't until yesterday, when i really started to process this amazingly perfect birth experience, that i realized just how fucked-the-fuck-up rowan's birth really was. i felt like i had been hit by a truck, beaten with 2x4s between my legs, deflated in the belly, and totally psychotically miserable for weeks after she was born. weeks. after this birth i was tired but normal... like, really, normal. i woke up the next day and was barely sore. i couldn't kegel for months after rowan, and bladder control was a really tough issue--this time, it's like nothing even happened. i am normal. i tore slightly but it was superficial enough to let alone, and it doesn't even hurt; there are some spots that burn when i pee though, so i know there are a few little splits or "skid marks" hiding down there. i'm dwelling on all this because i'm honestly having a really hard time accepting that THIS is what birth does to you: not much! it's not the terrible, traumatic, difficult trial we have all been lead to believe... or at least, it doesn't have to be. i am so totally myself it's almost scary. in the best way, of course.

i'm going to end this here because i have been writing for DAYS and not published yet; time is precious and i haven't had a whole lot of it. despite this, life is surprisingly unstressful and extremely pleasant... i'm really, really happy. rowan is taking it like an angel, too... she loves the baby and has displayed absolutely no signs of jealousy whatsoever. the darling.

anyway, he's calling me. more when i have time, including photos.

well, i am leaking amniotic fluid. apparently that's just what happens first with me. around 315 i got a "real" contraction, felt like i had to use the potty, and when i walked back into the kitchen i was leaking. some of my plug was lost too. so i have been wearing a 'depends'--yes, the old people diapers--since then and there has been a steady leak along with more plug. yum. i've had one or two more real contractions since then, very sporadic.

but YAY! something is happening! he might actually be born on my birthday after all :) :) :)

now to pressure matt into the naming thing when he comes home... luckily debbie is on her way for a visit anyhow so i think i will let her check me for dilation. we'll see.

yes. i am so ready for this baby to get here. there is nothing that i *need* to do anymore... one or two things i'd like to do, which i will do tomorrow barring interference, but nothing pressing or that i really care if i don't do. i'm ready to settle in now.

i've been trying to find some labor-starting rituals (which do not involve any induction) and pretty much coming up blank. these various birthing rituals were interesting, though. i read something in a book (?) about untying all knots when labor starts to make sure nothing is holding it up--i might try wearing my hair down as a "ritual" until he's born... i'm always one for the utilitarian bun (especially at my length, right to the buttcrack!) so it will be sort of a big deal to keep it down. it'll take effort to remember not to whip it up. hm. *untwists her hair this very moment*

seriously though, i sort of thought i would find something--on kooky pagan sites at the very least--but there doesn't seem to much out there. i guess i'll have to do it the old-fashioned way and just get in the belly and try to let him know we're ready for him. it is his call, after all. emotionally i am feeling very calm and relaxed. energetically i'm a little jazzed and being quite productive without being frantic. physically i'm not as tired as i should be, but quite uncomfortable nonetheless. the house is ready, he has clothes and diapers and toys and slings and all that jazz. i think i will lay out my crystals and refine the birthing space with intention tonight... maybe that will help. and i should do some astrological checking to see what we're in for with a baby born over the next two weeks or so! can't believe i haven't done that yet...

so i'm not having "contractions" in general, but the braxton-hicks are getting a bit ridiculous. basically anytime i move, my belly gets hard as a rock and uncomfortable for 20 seconds or so. it's more annoying than anything else, since i can't really move very well with all those muscles tightening up! i just hope this is a positive sign for labor to be soon. i've decided to be ready by tomorrow night... i have a few things to tackle today, then tomorrow will be a doc trip for rowan (way overdue checkup) and a stop at the post office to clear my business responsibilities, and then i'm going to dig in and wait for this baby. nothing else (though i plan to pass the time knitting my nephew's bday present).

thursday is my birthday and i wonder if we'll be weird enough to have 3 generations born on one day, as unlikely as it may be. in my head are those two names i am ready with, one of which will be his assuming matt doesn't pipe in soon. so nothing else should be holding him up after tomorrow. i'm relieved to have all the crap i've been fussing over finally finished!

yesterday rowan discovered mopping. it was really funny watching her squeal with happiness over pushing a (dry) mop across the floor in circles... i think my mom is going to get her a little girl's cleaning set for xmas--just what i need, stereotypes enforced like that. ha! it's funny though, there is a sesame street song called "women can be" or something where these female puppets are singing off-key and with a definite feminist twist about all the things women can be ("women can tame alligators") and rowan hates it. she always wants me to change it when it comes on. but at least i try...

i haven't posted anything about this, but matt is about halfway through the hiring process with the dept of corrections. we don't have a final answer yet but it's looking good; it would be amazing for him to get a "real" job right now. i'm weird about the whole jail-guard thing but matt isn't the type to let it go to his head so i hope it will be fine. we can definitely use the added income and benefits, plus the stability for him... no more hippodrome bullshit/drama.

(i started this post 2 hours ago, and i am now DONE with taking my twink photos and just have to post them! yay!! let's hope rowan keeps napping...)

i realized i am missing a key piece of my "labor supplies" which are all laid out prettily in the bathroom... i have no essential oils in that basket! wtf?? so i'm adding a small thing to my list of to-dos, and that's to make a blend of lavender, ylang-ylang, rosewood, and sage in oil for massage/sniffing during labor. and i need to grab the frankincense resin for burning; it smells so nice and apparently is good for birthing. i am so ready for this. it just occurred to me that in my imagination i am seeing this birth in a very similar way to how i felt about my wedding day beforehand... a big ritual with a lot of significance and forethought put into the unfolding of the actual event (preparing the space, setting the mood, getting myself physically/emotionally ready, looking pretty, etc). it feels the same with this birth. it's the "right" space and everything is working harmoniously to make it something to look forward to... actually, that's it--i'm looking forward to the actual birth and not just the baby. with the wedding, it was all about the event itself, and i guess that's why it feels the same. i imagine this birth as an event in its own right, rather than a way to get a baby when it's over. hm.

i'm crossing my fingers that the weather keeps cooling and the rains subside before he arrives... an outdoor birth is sounding really good lately! :)

...might not be the hardest part, but it does suck. yes i know, i'm only 38 weeks and could possibly have another month to go, but it's doubtful. today--and more so right this minute--i feel like he has descended quite a bit. there is an uncomfortable "no" feeling in my pelvis when i try to close my legs and i have developed a distinct waddle as a result... and i have had a few intermittent, painful contractions today. nothing remotely timeable, but definitely not braxton-hicks nonetheless.

i have almost everything i need to do before birth done; the last real thing is to make a batch of lotion tomorrow and then take photos of everything for t.w.i.n.k. and try to get them listed on etsy if possible. other than that, i'm ready. i have chosen two names as of tonight, and if matt won't choose his own so we can discuss it before i go into labor i am ruling him out of the decision-making process and i will sign the birth certificate myself! unless he comes up with something great, which is unlikely but always possible, this boy will be Reid Owen or Liam Wesley. i'm completely torn between the two (baby likes them both).

yesterday was a really crappy day but i'm not going to get into it--mostly hormonal troubles--and today was better. rowan is coming down with a cold, however. she's been sleeping fitfully tonight as a result of her sniffly nose (and probably that other molar that is halfway in!). but as usual, she's in a pleasant mood anyhow and has been totally adorable lately. she learned how to turn around, thanks to her favorite sesame street dance routine, so she walks in these little circles with her head tilted to the side and it's very funny. she's also been really into this monkey doll she has ("oooh oooh") and has been putting him on the potty and helping him put shoes on repeatedly. she seems to have a natural affinity for nuturing... i should mention, though, that she is going through a major MOMMY phase. poor matt has been really making an effort to hang out with her and help out and she rejects him consistently. i try to explain it's not about him--this is totally new and clearly a phase; she has even been doing it to my mom a little bit the few times she's babysat recently--but it still hurts his feelings and makes him think she doesn't care about him. of course that is totally not true, but he wants her to say "daddy!" and run to him when he offers to read her books and she's just not into that at the moment. a few months ago it would've rocked her world, but right now it's all about me. perfect timing, as she's about to have to share my attention with a newborn..! sigh. we've had a few very mild temper flare-ups too, of the sort where she wants me to do X and i won't, so she starts an angry cry and crouches on the ground until i find a way to change the subject. matt suggested this might be the start of the 'terrible twos' and he might just be right. i thank the stars every day that rowan is so mild in general; her "bad" is nothing compared to other kids' i have seen. she's easy even when she's not; i don't have the guts to hope the same of her brother, but i guess we'll see.

this morning we went over to my sister's house and picked up butters' offspring, 18 month old marge (yes, butters and margarine) to take her off their hands; she kept escaping and causing trouble out of loneliness and desire for green grass. so now we have two cows, but only one for milking. and we really think butters is pregnant. we have to get the vet out here to check her out because the last thing i want is for her to calve unexpectedly out in the field... not that they don't do it all the time, but still. i'd like to know if we're getting a new addition! and i think my brother in law is bringing over a few of his unwanted hens to add to our flock too, which is nice. they just have too many and not enough time, so maybe i'll get lucky and one of those hens will go broody in a few months. it is starting to look like i will have incubate the nest of eggs myself, but i'm going to give our hens until friday to sit like i hope they will. also we bred one of the rabbit does on wednesday night so we may have a litter of them next month too! who would've thought fall would bring so many newborns...

i don't actually know if this is "nesting" or just my insanely anal housekeeping standards since moving, but i just now had to be very stern with myself about spending valuable rowan-naptime using cotton balls and nail polish remover to get little drops of dried varnish off the kitchen floor. matt spilled some two months ago and it has mildly annoyed me ever since; i have no idea why i felt like RIGHT NOW was the time to clean it. it's an absurd job and one that can definitely wait--plus he should be doing it anyway! i chalk it up to nesting madness.

a little while ago rowan and i were sitting on the couch reading a book and all of a sudden i felt hot liquid between my legs... a lot of it... and i assumed she was peeing on me... so we got up to change her and then i had about 30 seconds of freaking out because her diaper wasn't really wet! hello water breaking?! panic ensued. thankfully i found a fresh wet spot in the diaper and my soaked shorts definitely smelled like pee, so i'm sure it wasn't amniotic fluid after all. though how she managed to pee around the diaper will never make sense to me. the last thing i want is a broken bag of waters BEFORE i start contracting (again). if it will just hold out until labor starts we'll be fine.

i've been gathering up my "birth music" recently. i find it a satisfying but difficult task, to anticipate what i will want to hear during labor. so i have three playlists: earthy (drum music), loud (tool and stuff i can sing energetically with), and quiet (mostly sigur ros and other wordless/untranslatable ambience). i figure the quiet one will be the mainstay but when i was in early labor with rowan i definitely relied on tool to get me through the nastier bits. suggestions are appreciated :)

at our last visit i told debbie not to bother bringing the birth pool since i have my wonderful bath tub, but i have been rethinking that in terms of: what if it's a really nice day and i want to birth outside? our yard is so private and there are some really nice little shaded areas under the oaks where i think it could be awesome to have a baby. i guess it will all depend on the time of day and the weather--i won't be birthing outdoors at 2am or in 90deg heat--but i'm going to see what she thinks. i saw a birth video once of a woman in a hot tub on a balcony, surrounded by color silks blowing in the wind, and it was absolutely gorgeous. as long as it's private and comfortable, why not outside?

...i just got sidetracked looking up chicken breed stuff. i'm worried big mama was a bad choice for a "sitter" so i may be switching to the australorp since they are supposedly extremely 'broody' (good nesters). now to be sure i know what to do if i have to incubate them myself..!

yesterday really sucked. aside from a lovely visit with debbie, that is. poor rowan was not able (willing?) to nap at all, so she was whiny and cranky and nothing-makes-me-happy--which she never is--all freaking day. and i had stuff to do, which of course she was not having. so she was stressed, i was stressed, and we were both exhausted but couldn't sleep. i had been up all night before that with freakish amounts of energy such that i laid in bed thinking "i should just get up and do stuff" every 2 hours or so. but i didn't, knowing i needed to at least try to sleep... but it didn't make me any less tired yesterday. i was an emotional wreck all day. rowan ended up going to bed around 4pm because she couldn't keep her eyes open, but of course that was really too early, so she woke up frustrated a few times before it got dark out. but she slept through the night after that, to my great surprise.

today is the polar opposite, thank the heavens. she's on her second nap already, and has been cheerful and pleasant and i feel a lot better. i think i slept through the night, too. i've had time to do my chores plus some, get dinner in the crock pot, and even henna my hands and feet. i'm in a great mood.

i've been having some really minor pre-labor signs but they're the kind that can come a week or more before the big day... nothing i really want to get into, but the contractions, energy bursts, and other things are definitely increasing. i just have to make sure not to do anything to disturb the amniotic sac.*

in other news, my morning glories are glorious!! they weren't doing so hot after i twined them up the sides of the stairs; a few strands even died. but now they are back full-force and blooming like mad! so pretty. i wish i had been more successful with the seeds i put in the flower garden... maybe next year.


*the night i had PROM with rowan, i had been deliberately bouncing on my yoga ball in an attempt to start labor. i have always suspected that probably caused the rupture... debbie says i'm probably right. so no trampolines for me, lol.

i'm talking about the "baby #2 is coming" list i posted a few months ago.

the last couple of things still have time, and honestly i doubt i'll be watching much netflix (though i was thinking of all the hours stuck on the couch nursing and i should probably prep it with rowan in mind!) and my chores list should be fine as it is. i have things pretty well spread out by days.

it has been SO nice out lately, mornings in the 60s--a bit odd considering it's not even technically fall yet--and it's making me totally feel ready for this. i get really happy and all in love with everything when the weather starts to change for fall... perfect time to have a baby, in my opinion. if only he had a name.

i think today i'm going to try to henna my hands and feet. i'm in a really good mood and the house is pretty spotless, so as long as i can distract rowan i should be able to squeeze in some "me" time :)

i'm feeling a bit better than i was the other day. i think the bedtime thing really got to me and made me freak out about everything else; possibly. possibly not. anyway, today is ok.

i don't know if this had anything to do with it, but i babysat my nephew for a few hours and rowan is just so impossibly sweet to him, even when i am holding him, feeding him a bottle, playing with him, etc... she just wants to kiss him and give him toys. no jealousy whatsoever. i hope it is not just because he is a novelty, but i guess we will see. it gives me some optimism that maybe she won't hate me when the new baby arrives... i had a little epiphany last night--pretty DUH moment, but i needed it--i have been thinking of the new baby coming in and taking rowan's place, in her mind, but it occurred to me that there is no reason for her (or me, or anyone) to see it that way... there is room for everyone. love isn't bounded like that, and i believe that if i let her participate in loving him as much as she wants to, there's no reason it shouldn't be a blissful little group, as opposed to a competition. i realized that i assume a lot about toddler behavior, even when rowan is typically the opposite of the "me-me" child. i think she will LOVE having a little brother around, actually.

after i had this moment of understanding, it also occurred to me that i had inadvertently--or at least subconsciously--pushed his arrival date back. i am now quite unsure when he is going to be born, but i don't think it's as early as i thought. i am feeling october, and trying to undo whatever my anxiety and stress changed... i want him to come when HE is ready, not wait on my silly issues. i've heard of women "holding the baby in" and i don't want to do that. i'm trying to really embrace the image i had the other night of a delighted rowan and a cute little guy in my arms so that he knows we are ready whenever he is. but the name thing i can't do much about, so i hope it's not affecting his readiness.

despite that, last night i had so many contractions i started to seriously consider that i might be in very early labor (like the days-away-delivery kind). but today all is normal, so life goes on. i've got a ton of butter to make today and a pot of yogurt that needs to be distributed, plus laundry, and i should probably make cookies or something for my grandpa's birthday too. as well as cutting and wrapping my latest batch of soaps. plenty to do without going into labor!

i pulled up a bunch of sandspurs this morning already, and i've decided to let the big mama hen sit on a nest. our australorp hen is also laying now, as of last week, so we'll still get one egg a day this way. my plan is for the next two nights to put all the eggs in big mama's nest, to get a head start on filling it, and then go back to collecting one and leaving one every night. when she has enough to sit on, she'll stay. i'm going to mark them "a" and "b" (for australorp and barred rock) so that i know whose were fertilized in case some don't hatch. i chose the big mama barred rock to brood because she is generally friendlier and practically lets me touch her; and she's older. whatever that means. we're also going to breed one of the rabbits tonight or later this week, and plans are in the works to get butters inseminated. her milk supply has dropped by about a quart a day, so it's time to get her pregnant and start a fresh lactation cycle. and matt wants a meat calf anyway. it's finally starting to really cool down, so i think it's safe to let everybody breed...

speaking of which, i'm not sure i ever mentioned my plans for after this baby is born--we're "done" having kids, most likely, and matt wants a vasectomy but i am going to try the copper IUD before i let him do anything permanent. you never know. so; six weeks postpartum or as soon as they will let me, i'm doing it. it's crazy that we went several years without reliable or consistent birth control and no pregnancy, and then all of a sudden i'm pregnant twice in a row at the first incidence of an accident. i definitely don't want to have another accident, and i'm fine with non-hormonal IUDs... i'd love to rely on the FAM but i just can't risk it. we're not ready for three kids.

off to get going on the rest of my chores for the day...

so her posts over at the other side of the glass are often long and not necessarily well-organized, but there are always hefty nuggets of insight and genuine truth in them. this one is no exception, and i got a lot out of reading about what was taken away from her son--as well as herself--during their birth. and the healing that came much later.

it's not all about your experience as the birthing mother... the baby's experience is at least as critical, as s/he is imprinting in ways we probably will never understand. i try to remember that all the time... this homebirth is not just for me. it's for his sake.

to the post

*sigh*

i know i should be posting about the pregnancy, but all i can think about is rowan, lately. i have been rather unpleasantly emotional recently and i think i am mourning our loss of one-on-one time that is soon to come. i feel guilty for having another baby, in part, and in part i just really don't want it to end. i will miss being with just her and participating in every little thing that pops into her head. it makes me really sad that i know i will be only half-there for her basically from now on. it's not fair, it's too soon, I MISS HER ALREADY and i feel so bad for what i imagine is equivalent to abandoning her... this issue is overshadowing everything else for me at the moment. i know i am overreacting but there is a little bit of truth under there somewhere.

in addition, we've been trying out the toddler bed the last two nights, and to say that it has gone badly would be a massive understatement. she HATES it, and works herself into such a frenzy that even after i have given up and put her in the crib, she still cries hysterically for a good long while. i'm not sure what the issue is, as she loves the thing by all appearances... she plays on it, and pretends to sleep, and will lay there happily as long as it isn't bed or nap time. but the point is, i think i am giving up for now. she's obviously not ready and we are both upsetting ourselves for the last few weeks we have alone; over something stupid. yes, i want her to sleep in the toddler bed ASAP but not at the expense of happiness and additional stress in our lives. she's already going to have to deal with an interloper, so i'd rather just keep bedtime nice and easy and put the baby in the spare bedroom for a while later, if i have to. he'll be in our room for 2 months or so anyway... (i sound like i am being really defensive, and maybe i am... this is a sort of failure, i guess, because i am giving up after two days. but right now i just don't have the emotional endurance to let to her wail for any reason or any length of time.)

as for the pregnancy, i don't really know what to say. i'm in my "window" as of today. he's in there, squirmy, and presumably getting ready to move down soon. no, we have no name yet. it fucking sucks.

i'm a little... frustrated... with my midwife also, which isn't really her fault. i guess i expect others to listen and remember things as well i as do, but no one really ever does (save half-a-handful of really good friends over the years). when i explained that i didn't want her to bring an assistant unless she REALLY has to, we discussed having karen--madame doula--serve as assistant since i don't need a coach or advocate for myself with this birth. she was all about it. we specifically discussed who i didn't want to be her assistant--someone i work with and also don't know very well--and she was fine with that. but today, after not showing up to our visit (my fault for missing a "let's reschedule" phone message earlier in the week), she calls me and mentions she wants to bring the very person i didn't want to our next visit since she will be her likely assistant. i had to re-explain myself over the phone and now i feel like an ass because i couldn't phrase it right and i'm sure i sounded whiny. i just really thought i fully explained that i need to have NO OUTSIDERS at this birth. none. unless it's an emergency.

so... add that irritation/guilt/stress to my tears for rowan, and sprinkle it with a little matt-is-cranky-today, and you get a big pot of soupy, sniffly, pathetic rhiannon.

at least i got a nap today.

i think i have decided to start posting my "farm blog" entries here, since the things i do around here with regards to animals and gardening and food have as much to do with parenting/child rearing as anything else. and since my pregnant days will shortly be over (probably for good), it's time to morph a little bit...

i'll be rearranging the links on the right but i don't plan to delete anything and will certainly be incorporating the links from the farm blog as well. all the pregnancy/birth info will continue to be linked... i'm too into birth to stop fussing about it even if i never have another of my own! :)

i'll make some new labels for the new topics as i start to post entries that apply. i hope you will find some of my recipes and whatnot useful...

i haven't posted in a while because there was a half-written post i was sitting on--a whine/rant/freak-out about how everyone else was freaking out about the homebirth--that i have decided not to post after all. i'm over it and i don't want to talk about it. i have not wavered for a second over my decision and matt is supportive, and that's all that matters. everything else is speculation and possibility and that's where it should be left. we'll deal with what happens when it happens.

in the meantime, rowan has had her first shower and been to the beach. the shower surprised me because she loved it; i assumed the water spraying her head and face would be too much, but she played and yelled and had a great old time. very cute. the beach was a birthday party for two of her second cousins, and even with a 2.5 hour drive each way with a car full of my family (and infant nephew), and no nap, she was all smiles and silliness the whole day. she really really liked the sand and even the waves, amazingly. i guess her timidity is less than i have come to believe...

she also had a visit from "nana and pops" (matt's dad/wife) which was a lot of fun for her. they took us to blue springs and she squealed about all the kids diving from a platform into the frigid water. she learned to say "spider" thanks to pops. just what i need, little rowan pointing out every bloody spider she sees out here in the woods... *shudder* she's really working on her vocabulary lately and she is outgrowing shoes like it's nobody's business. size 5 as of two weeks ago and already getting tight! i can also clip her hair up into a little twisty-thing at the back, which is totally cute. matt says i need to cut her bangs but i'm not into the idea.

mr. nameless second baby is growing, too, and i am somewhat uncomfortable a lot of the time as a result. he's quite high and never changes position--just pokes his feet out my right side and punches down in my bladder--but the braxton-hicks are starting to suck now that he's nearly birthing size. there isn't much more room left for him. i look pretty weird though because i'm basically all belly and normal everywhere else. i had such a crappy time with rowan's pregnancy, but thankfully this time has been easy. the only thing that has really sucked the past few days is that i have been having some kind of reflux problem when i lay down... i'm never, ever hungry anymore because i think my stomach is completely compressed by his butt and feet (depending on the moment) and it would seem that my digestive system has basically stopped, because at 4pm today i was tasting breakfast. and when i lay down i feel nauseous and/or as if the contents of my stomach are pushing their way out-through-the-in-door. pretty gross and uncomfortable. but i still have no swelling, no arthritis, practically no leg cramps (i think i've had two actually present), no painful feet, and no general fatness. i'd even say the urinary... issues... of pregnancy are the same if not less than they were the first time; that surprises me. so if i dare to hope that the birth will reflect the 10-month journey, this might actually go pretty well.

i've got all my supplies on-hand (except a fish net, LOL)* and i was excited to be able to order three single bendable straws for $.05 each from the site where i got the stuff. so much nicer to say "hmm, i only need two adult diapers" rather than spending $15 on a package or buying a whole birth kit. i have so much stuff already that i only needed to order like $10 worth of supplies. they also sell fetoscopes and hemoglobin analyzers and things like that, for the unabirthers who want equipment.

so... my "window' commences on friday. yikes! but i guess until he drops i shouldn't be too worried. i still need to kick matt into fixing the cradle *growl* and probably clean 25 more times, but otherwise we're ready. i'd like to henna my hands and feet one of these days too. and pull some of the sandspurs out of the yard before they go to seed... and probably make a decision on what his name is going to be!! i think i have three finalists but two are untested and i'm really leaning towards #1. i guess i should post them, since i've been so secretive about the name thing thus far. possible names:
1) reid owen
2) lane matthew
3) cullen ?wood?
... not sure about the middle name on #3. i also like "flynn matthew" but flynn means red-faced and i don't want to curse him like that. and now matt just walked in and is talking with someone on the phone about names. time to pressure him :)

*if you don't know why a fish net is important for a home/water birth, you don't want to. if you do, you know why i am laughing. ah, bodily functions.