oh yes, the pregnancy dreams have been back in full force for months now. they have been getting weirder and weirder, and i think one of last night's was lucid, in fact.

i dreamed that i was at the hospital--apparently it was time to have the baby though i have NO idea why i was there and not at home. i was in my own room but i wasn't having any contractions, and matt was there, and maybe my parents or someone else. there were three nurses/docs attending me, all youngish men, and they did an exam that i remember really hurting, and maybe there was blood involved. it's almost like i was half-asleep while they did it, because afterwards when i was told (or somehow realized) that they had broken my water, i was FURIOUS. i starting screaming bloody murder at them that they did not get consent, that i was not going on a 24-hour timer, that i was going to sue them for not giving me informed consent... and i went on to scream a lecture about that until finally one of them said he was sorry and it was his fault, another was silent, and the third argued back and had an attitude at me.

part of the reason i was so pissed was because i wasn't having contractions and i knew it was too early to do anything like that. the other part is that they weren't supposed to touch me without permission. * i remember thinking that i hoped it was so early that the sac would heal itself and refill quickly. i experienced all of this so vividly and i remember laying there waiting for contractions and thinking i was so tired and it was too early... i am sure i was participating in this dream. i was definitely conscious of all the things i was yelling at the jackasses. for some strange reason though, matt was staying silent. (i don't know if it was the pain killers for his teeth or something like this addresses, but matt seemed pretty disempowered during rowan's delivery.)

there was another less vivid dream about random things in which two of my friends who are already married were getting married at a restaurant and i guess i was helping in some way, though i had rowan there so i'm not sure if i was just in the way. it was strange but not particularly significant. one of those dreams where i can't see very well--i can't open my eyes--because, as i learn on waking, the sun is glaring in my face as i sleep. lol.

rowan had her usual bottle at 630am and then slept again until 8:00!!! i haven't slept till 8am in MONTHS. did i ever mention we breastfed for the last time on mother's day? my milk was basically gone after that february illness, i'm pregnant, and she was never really dying to nurse, so we gave up... and she hasn't tried since. it makes me a little sad, honestly, but at the same time it needed to happen so that she didn't see me giving preference to 'the baby' on yet another thing. alas...

*as i think about this rationally i am tying it to the circumcision thing... i think what i was actually afraid of was that the little guy would be cut without anyone asking us. ????

sarah called me last night to inform me that i have a different type of asymptomatic UTI after the antibiotics and my pee test last week. seriously?!

at least this time we are treating it herbally (azo cranberry pills, garlic pills+raw garlic, LOTS of water) because it's a small colonization, but i'm really confused and a little frustrated over it anyway. i know perfectly well how to prevent UTIs and i am always careful, because i have had a few in the past and they totally suck; so i don't understand what is going on. but all i can do now is try to knock it out myself.

i am 21 weeks now, mister is kicking all the time and i'm ready to get moving on his part of the bedroom! i started knitting a mobile for him, like rowan's little birds (below), only different. i'm doing his with mushrooms, a snail, a caterpillar, and a dragonfly in earth tones. i was thinking last night how funny it is that i made an air (birds) mobile for the earth baby and now i'm making an earth (bugs) mobile for the air baby... ?? oh well. it should be really cute when it's done.

i think i have a boy name i really like too, but i don't want to share yet. i'm afraid it's way too popular but *whine* i really like it!! i'm sticking to my guns about the criteria needing to fit within: celtic/nordic, nature-related, and uncommon but not too hippie. no biblical names and nothing from further east than germany. i haven't heard a peep from matt but i suspect he has been thinking hard, too.

i am glad that i did all the research on circumcision when i did, because now i don't even have to think about it for the little boy... that conversation was already had, thankfully. there is nothing anyone could say to convince me that neonatal circumcision is a good thing.

uh oh, baby is calling...

i've already kind of touched on this but i am in need of help envisioning just how to make rowan's room not-so-girly. i didn't think the froud fairies and whatnot were feminine, initially, but now that we're actually having a boy i feel i need to tone down the aenima a bit :)

the walls are a lovely pale green that i have no intention of changing, and i'm totally happy with the tree (though perhaps a few less flowers might be in order), but what else can i do to make it more "foresty" and less "fairy?" i hate the idea of losing the gorgeous butterfly curtain, but if i have to--and i probably do--i will.

my only thoughts are:
- bring in a darker green curtain instead of the white girly one
- lots of grubby, foresty mushrooms (painted on walls?)
- owls?
- a moss-covered birdhouse?
- and i need some kind of enchanted bugs, a la the dark crystal, etc. no clue where i will come up with those.

the key is to keep it very fantasy and unreal with no hip/chic/modern styling. as much as i like that style, it doesn't work at all with what i have going already...

ANY THOUGHTS ARE WELCOME!

(warning: this posting is anti-religious. stop reading if you are going to get offended. i am not "atheist" but i am 100% totally completely anti-religion. it fascinates me as a phenomena, and i love mythology, but in practice... i think organized religion is, at best, for the weak-minded and unimaginative, and at worst, a series of evil mind-control cults. **having said all that, i defend everyone's right to believe what they want; i have no problem with people who are religious, just with the mob-mentality and hypocrisy of the organizations themselves.**)

did you hear the one about the nun who was excommunicated for saving a woman's life? nevermind, as the article so pointedly states:

"In the case of priests who are credibly accused and known to be guilty of sexually abusing children, they are in a sense let off the hook," Doyle says.

Doyle says no pedophile priests have been excommunicated. When priests have been caught, he says, their bishops have protected them, and it has taken years or decades to defrock them, if ever.

saving a life at the cost of another (only questionably "alive" in the first place!) is apparently more highly punishable than the powerful abusing the utterly innocent for their own pleasure.

all i can see in this grossly blatant double-standard is men's fear of women. i can imagine no other cause for the absolute HATRED the church has for abortion--no matter the situation--in light of their undeniably flippant treatment of disgusting, evil, rapists. men with power=forgivable! women with power=be damned! literally.

and this is one reason why i think religion is a bad thing.* people always want to say "but so many good things have come from people believing this or that"... yeah? like what? let's tally it up next to all the evil that has been perpetrated in the various "His" names and see how the scales balance out.

blah. end rant.

*i come from a strongly baptist (yes, southern) family and was raised as such until i turned 12 and decided it made no sense and conflicted with my inner sense of the universe. since then, i've had to put up with almost constant, subtle attempts to convert me or even drag me by the hair into the church and i have to say, the more i am exposed to it the less i am remotely interested in anything they have to say. it's a bunch of bullshit politics and fakers just like everything else. in a lot of ways i think the bible itself is really interesting (and in a lot of ways it's not at all) but the groups who take it and pretend to live its message, whatever that may be--in my experience--always fail. the worst part of being around uber-religious family members is when i find myself pointing out biblical passages that clearly reprimand things they say or do to others. how's that for irony?

it's a boy! seriously!

i have such a strange sense of confusion about it, because i guess i just have NO idea how to parent a boy. i sort of always assumed i would only have girls, lol. i am happy about it--it's just surprising.

even though the only real 'psychic' (or whatever) impression i ever got from this baby was, one night when i tried really hard to connect to it, to suddenly think to myself "oh wow, are you a boy?" ...still i was never sure. but after seeing that ultrasound i have NO question! his little thingamajig was all out there for display, hehe. he was cute too, showing off all the important parts, sucking his thumb, and rolling around. i actually got pictures this time so i will scan/post them ASAP.

matt was shocked, i think. he had just finished whining about how 'the fates will never give me a boy' and blah blah depressive crap; ha! the first thing he said when i told him was "AWESOME now i can get my tubes tied." as if. but he is really happy.

and now the name dilemma begins :). AND i have to figure out how the hell i am going to make the baby room less totally-feminine! hehe. side note: ultrasound also said my dates were accurate, thank-you-very-much charting. due date 10/7/10.

on another note, my mom and i got some more portraits done of rowan today after the ultrasound and as per usual, she posed like a champ and we got a bunch of great ones. as soon as they are available online i will post a few.

also i've been slowly adding to the postpartum food stash in the deep freezer, so i've been able to cross a few things off my to-do list! that makes me happy. all in all i think it's been a good week.

...that the midwives of gainesville will not stand up for themselves and ask more doctors to back them up than just ONE. i have been seriously considering writing an open letter to the OBGYNs in this area to see what happens... there is a lot of drama and anxiety keeping the midwives from doing it themselves, if i understand the situation correctly.

anyway:

all because one hospital--the only one with the common sense to back midwives--closed.

it's not that there is anything wrong with birth going underground, except that it is a normal human function which we have been doing FOREVER, it's just so fucking pathetic that the medical industry can just bully their way into getting anything they want from the legislature. as i commented on my favorite news site (where i found the article),

"there are so many reasons this is f*cked up.

but hey, at least the powers that be haven’t made it illegal to actually BIRTH a baby in a car, in your home, or wherever it ‘accidentally’ happens… it’s just illegal for a trained professional to attend you and attempt to ensure your safety. as long as you are on your own* as a poor, helpless, laboring woman it’s still legal.

for now.

…as if we haven’t been giving birth sans doctors for millions of years. *sigh*

*(i have heard of husbands/family members being sued for illegally practicing medicine when they attempted to assist their otherwise unattended laboring relative.)"

how long until florida makes midwifery totally illegal, again? it happened in the 90s, and midwifery lobbyists are constantly fighting the ACOG, among other groups, to keep it from happening all over again.

well, rowan is officially one year old as of yesterday. crazy! she is seeming like such a little girl these days and not so much of a baby at all. she's graduated to walking with just one arm hanging on to a support, so i'm excited for the big "first step" which ought to be soon. it took her about two months to go from first supported step to here, so...

the party seemed to be a hit, though it was difficult to judge from the hostess/parent/spazoid vantage point i was looking from. my uncle showed up with a really awesome bounce house for the older kids, so that was cool. and most of the food (meat courtesy of matt's skills) was quite good. the cake was less fluffy and fantastic than i'd hoped, but the flavor was good. would've made awesome muffins, just not quite cake texture.




cuteness. she was so excited to wear that dress...

as for the "other things," i've decided to keep the appointment for ultrasound next week rather than try to reschedule it, mostly because it's just easier to get it done now. it's so strange to have no sense of what to expect--all i know is there is a baby in there (it kicks me all the freaking time)! i finished the stupid antibiotics and the baby is still kicking, so i guess all is well and i assume my phantom UTI is now gone. blah.

also i think i am going to start watching my... cousin's son--second cousin?--this summer, and he's 8 with a LOT of energy. probably a really bad idea considering i'm going to be in my last trimester over the summer, but whatever. we'll see how it goes. she's not paying much but anything is better than nothing and i'm thinking that one can reason pretty well with an 8 year old. i've been searching around for a good set of 'house rules' to establish with him, and in the process i found kiddio.org which is a pretty neat site (added to links on right). all these rules are common sense but it's nice to have a starting point. he's the sort of kid who will trample you if you don't lay it out right off the bat. i hope it goes well! i'm planning to tell my cousin that if i start to get at all frazzled or terribly inconvenienced (pregnant and touchy as i am) we're done, because i need to know i have an out if it isn't working for me. but overall i think it will be good practice to have two to juggle... ;) plus i have been considering taking on a kid or two as a nanny when the baby is no longer a tiny newborn. having a clean, organized house opens up so many possibilities!

lately we've been having an issue with ants (nasty biting ones) gathering crumbs in the kitchen, so i was using some essential oils to kill them but it was becoming a bit much...i don't really like to kill stuff, but they were in my kitchen where rowan scoots around and they were getting into food. so i went to winn dixie (the only grocery store within 20 miles) and was just praying they might have something other than 'raid' and to my great delight they sold this stuff: ecosmart ant & roach killer. it's AWESOME... not that i would ever recommend ingesting it or any other household product, but it's so kid/food/pet safe that all of the ingredients are technically edible and it smells like minty herbs with no nasty headache-inducing fumes (incidentally, it didn't cost me $8, either--it was like $4.50 or something). i couldn't believe winn dixie was selling it. oh and it works too; kills them dead on contact and seems to deter future foragers as well. score!

well, i can't think of anything else to blab about so i guess i'm done for now. here's a closing pic just for fun:

*sputtering every obscene expletive she can scrounge up*

AHHH! there is nothing more frustrating than finding yourself saying "i knew better, but i did it anyway." yesterday was a shitty day, all around.

first, it was day two of what is so far a three-day headache reaching from my forehead to the base of my skull and slightly down my neck.

then, i didn't have to work, which means 1) no money for that day 2) no chance of repeating the clean catch to verify my alleged UTI 3) no driving to gainesville to pick up things from the old house for the party. damn it.

re #2: no choice but to take the freaking antibiotics which may or may not be linked to heart problems and cleft palate--the study i linked the other day had several flaws, but still. so i got the damned things yesterday and agreed i would take the first dose in the evening. it ended up making me dizzy with a pounding headache that shortly lead me to the bathroom where i proceeded to projectile vomit my dinner, the antibiotic, and two tylenol i took for my headache.

i called the birth center to ask about a certain side effect of the macrobid (some issue with anemia) and found out they had been trying to call me anyway... because they got more records from "Dr. First Birth with Forceps" and decided I NEED A CONSULT WITH HIM TO MAKE SURE I AM OK FOR OUT-OF-HOSPITAL BIRTH! didn't we do this once before? didn't i kick myself in the ass for going? yes, and yes. wtf. this is why i was afraid to use the birth center again--they're afraid to spit without asking His permission.

the reason i have to see him this time is because i was prescribed a blood thinner postpartum at my own request after the traumatic birth i had and much discussion with matt and our hospital midwife. they made me go through a consult with Dr. FBwF last time around because they had no clue about my blood clotting issue; he sent me to the hematologist, who was totally on my side; everybody finally said OK and i got it in writing that nobody was going to make me take any blood thinners unless i decided i want to, because the hematologist said they weren't necessary. BUT NOW, because *I* decided *I* wanted to--not because any doctor told me i had to--they are making me go get another fucking consult with the doctor who already cleared me once before. why why why why why?

now any reasonable person would be saying, "what's the big deal? why are you whining like a kid who dropped his ice cream cone?" how about these reasons:
1) i live 35 miles from the doc's office and it's a huge hassle to get there considering gas is $3 a gallon and my car ain't exactly economy-class.
2) i've already been through this with him, and the last time he tried to tell me i was too high-risk for the birth center, let alone a home birth. i really don't care to hear his opinion again.
3) he was the one who ended up removing rowan from my vagina, and while i owe him in a major, major way for both not forcing me into c-section and skillfully repairing what i am told was an absolutely horrifying mess of a genital area afterwards, my memories when it comes to him are...shall we say...less than pleasant. not interested in seeing him.
4) HIS OFFICE IS AN ABOMINATION. i don't understand how the health department continues to allow them to operate as a business, nevermind a fucking doctor's office! it's dirtier than any wal-mart i've ever been to (as in, pee cups on random counters, no one wearing gloves, grimy surfaces everywhere, crap strewn about, i could go on forever)! his staff is usually rude and unhelpful. oh, and since he is way too busy, he rarely shows up for an appointment within 4 hours of the scheduled time. to call it a long wait is a bit of an understatement.

what really pisses me off is that i am not having to do this because the head honcho (NOT sarah, my midwife) is concerned with my well-being postpartum--if that was the case she could get me the drug i would need; i'm doing it because the birth center doesn't want to get in trouble for not having him clear me. fuck that. at this point, i am so over playing these games with them. she said "just go at your convenience--i know it's not convenient, but do it when you can." so i've decided it's not going to be convenient for me until, hmm, maybe 37 weeks? she can hassle me all she wants, i'm not wasting my time or my emotional peace in his office.

i intend to tell this to sarah, because she deserves to know where i stand on it. we actually discussed the plan for postpartum clot-control at my first appointment and came to a happy agreement that we'd work out an herbal concoction that i can take as an alternative, since i told her flat out i am NOT doing 4 weeks of daily subcutaneous shots in my belly that burn like fire. i will not do it again anyway, so what the hell is the point of me seeing Dr. FBwF? the worst part is i'm sure sarah disagrees with the consult as well, but she can't exactly flip off her boss. bureaucracy totally infuriates me.

so here we are again, just like last time... if the birth center feels they have to transfer me (either for non-compliance or b/c Doc says so), i'm done. unassisted home birth it is. if they can pull their heads out of their asses, great--we'll have a happy home birth with a midwife i love. there you have it.

footnote:
my tarot year puts me at The Devil here in taurus. i just did a little reading up on him, since it's been a while, and as always i am wryly amused at my own fussing now that i see the current situation from the perspective it's been placed in for me. the devil is all about realizing you have the power to overcome your fears and integrating your shadow self... and here i am, seeing demons and enemies all about me, and screaming that they can't get me, when really what i should be doing is wondering why i feel threatened by those who have no power over me. what are they showing me about myself that is so scary?

maybe the deep-rooted self-doubt that fears i can't do it--that birth won't ever work for me the way i so hope it will. that i need help from a doctor or a drug or i will fail again. that's what i need to be addressing, not some dumbass doctor or paranoid midwife's opinions. thanks, devil.

so despite all my compliments at prenatal appointment numero uno, i seem to have an 'asymptomatic UTI.' wtf? so lame.

i told sarah i wanted to do another clean catch, because it's possible i contaminated my own sample somehow, but of course i now do not have to work tomorrow (thus cannot drive to gainesville just to pee in a cup) and she said we can't wait due to the amount of colonization apparent on the test and the fact that i've had it for at least a week already. argh! so i'm stuck taking antibiotics now and i am not happy about it. the only reason i am doing it is because years ago when i had a kidney infection it was a result of an asymptomatic UTI... and kidney infections+pregnancy=very bad news.

what concerns me is this research. i know that macrobid is not ok for late-term, and apparently now early pregnancy, but what about in the middle where i am? it's a little stressful.

anyway, that's that. 3 days of yucky pills and a lot of hoping they don't hurt anybody.

in other news, we're almost ready for rowan's 1st birthday! she is an ANGEL at bedtime now, it's ridiculous. letting her cry a bit for just three days made her actually seem to enjoy going to bed! she says 'bye bye' to all her toys before bed and hugs me while i sing to her--things she never, ever did before. and when i put her in the crib she is happy to pet her stuffed animals and calmly watches me walk away. i never would have guessed she would be happier for having been made to cry. i think it must be the comfort of knowing what is going to happen? whatever it is, i am sooooooOOOOoooo grateful that she has sorted out the whole bedtime thing and seems totally at peace with it.

also i finally decorated her room now that we are in the new place (though i ran out of paint with 1/3 of a wall to go), and it's even cuter than her old room! more butterflies, a new arrangement, and the tree has a lot more leaves and flowers... now i just have to sort of hope that the peanut is not a boy, or we're going to have to include some serious bug decor, or maybe some male elves or goblins or something. the extra fairies and butterflies really turned it into a girl thing :)

it's funny how actually being a parent can make you think completely differently than you did when you "learned" all about parenting before you were a parent. i read these comments on, for example, babycenter.com about various things (mostly soon-to-be or new moms advocating total attachment parenting styles) and think "ha, just wait until you are pregnant and have a one year old who refuses to fall sleep at night without staring at you for an hour. then let's see how you feel about teaching them to self-soothe."

rowan has always been nursed to sleep, and i have done everything--since she was two weeks old--to make bedtime predictable, pleasant, and secure for her: set routine, same time, make sure she's tired, nursing/snuggles, laid down before sleeping, etc etc etc ad infinitum. and still she would not fall asleep unless someone was standing over her. she doesn't cry for us at night when she wakes, at least, but bedtime has always taken too long because i have to stand there until she's asleep--which can take a LONG time--and half the time she wants to play for 30 minutes or so in the crib, which would just piss me off. so i finally gave up.

yeah. i was (and actually still am) so against any crying-it-out. it just doesn't seem right. but i am here to admit we did it... and it worked. i really, really had to gear myself up for it because i cannot stand to have rowan upset, but it was an important step for both of us, i think. it was truly less for my convenience than in preparation for the fact that i know i will not be able to spend an hour or more hovering in her bedroom when we have a newborn... and i do not want rowan to associate "the baby" with being deprived of her expected comforts. so we had to knock this out well in advance of baby's arrival, desperate measures or not. plus, she's a year old, she's big enough to know we love her and will not leave her, and her crying when i walk out is purely "come back come back because i said so" and not anything actually wrong with her. i had already tried the modified CIO where you go back in slowly increasing time intervals, and it only seemed to make things worse. bedtime could stretch into two hours of intermittent screaming... hell.

it went like this: the day i finally decided to get serious and let her cry as long as it took, she decided she didn't need me to fall asleep. she let me walk away with her wide freaking awake and she never made a peep! i was shocked. that lasted for 4 days. the day she started crying again when i walked out, i was so heartbroken i just decided at the spur of the moment that that was it. and about 10 minutes later i was in tears and questioning my parental fitness such that matt ordered me to go take a bath to drown out her wailing. it was bad, but i don't think she actually cried for all that long. the next night i went outside but could still hear her, and ended up in the bathtub again. third night, bath, i think she cried for 30 minutes. tonight, the fourth night, she let me walk away! 15 minutes later she cried and i went to tuck her back in bed because i knew she had woke herself up over something, and when i left she cried for 20 seconds. i think we're over it!

so, prematurely, i am going to say it took 3 days of real crying to "fix" her bedtime issues. and she never cried for more than about 30 minutes on any given night, which is SO much better than the 2 hours of intermittent crying she did when i tried the "gentle" CIO method. rowan is way too stubborn for that; give her her way a little and she demands the rest of it... set boundaries and she's fine. that's just who she is.

and there you have my confession. i used CIO. my heart says attachment-all-the-way, and it's a lovely ideal, but reality has a way of making it impractical, unfortunately. i think each parent really needs to evaluate their own situation, their own baby, and the needs of the rest of the family to determine what's best for them. and i definitely think baby's age makes a huge difference in the ok-ness of certain things. rowan is about to officially be "a big girl"... and a big sister too... *sniffle*

*sniffle*

they grow so fast...

i cannot believe i'm going on 5 months already! geeez. time flies when you have a little one...

today was my first official prenatal visit, and i have to say i am so happy with my choice of midwife. sarah is exactly what i need; she's always the one to suggest we take things outside of the normal lines, in terms of making me feel less like a 'patient' and more like a friend hanging out. i find that i am the one having trouble relaxing and casting off the traditional role... i need to work on that so that i can really enjoy this.

as far as the medical assessment went, she was very happy with the blood draw and apparently my urine is "exquisite" which made me laugh. but she said she can really tell how well a person takes care of herself just by that, and i guess i get a cookie. blood pressure was crazy low, 98/58 which is not a problem other than my normal dizzy-when-standing thing. and the little peanut performed a lovely jig under the fetoscope, but we didn't hear heart tones this time. whatever.

anyway, clinical details aside, sarah suggested that we hang out at the springs or in my mom's pool to do our own little aquanatal sessions since we live really close to each other. i'm excited. i can't wait for the home visits to start--i really want to be in my own environment when the pregnancy starts getting to be a bigger deal. yay for tea and music during checkups!

rowan's party is going to be next saturday, and it looks like a few key players are definitely coming, which makes me very happy. still waiting on two others for a response, but so far so good. i know my whole family will show up, so it's going to be a party even if no one else comes. i'm counting on the other guests to bring the fun and the interesting... lol. kidding. mostly.

ah yes, and mothers' day this weekend--my first *sniffle.* as little sense as it makes, my sister and i are ditching our babies to brunch with our mom at my sister's work (gateway grand hotel). their brunch spread menu is a m a z i n g and i am pregnant and willing to eat twice my weight in tasty treats. very excited and only a tiny bit guilty for not spending the entire day actively being mommy. but i do that every day, so i get a pass sometimes, right? matt is graciously willing to watch rowan even though he has to work in the afternoon, so i have to make sure he gets a good fathers' day when it rolls around next month :).

i guess that's it for now. i'm going to go drool over that menu again...