and bask in the undeniable truth of the pregnant woman's intuition!

IT'S A GIRL! weeee :)

yes, i dreamed of boys, but even so (as you may go back and read at any time) i felt it was a girl from the very beginning. i'm amused that the psychic was wrong, and interested to re-interpret my little 'king of wands' incidents... i already have a theory on what that might have meant since baby is a girly girl.

props to my mom, lauren, traci, and everybody else who said they thought it was girl too.

now a brief rant/concerned discussion about what happened during the ultrasound appt:

i was scheduled at 4pm but the doc (this is the guy who backs-up EVERY midwife in gainesville) had a couple of unexpected surgeries so he didn't actually see me until 830... i have heard amazing things about him from so many people, but frankly i was not impressed. i didn't even really like him at all. i found him condescending and completely uninspiring (strike 1).

then all he wanted to talk about was my blood thing. he said 'you have factor v leiden, heterozygous?'--"yes"--a disbelieving stare, then, 'how do you know that?'--UHHH let me check... a psychic told me? (strike 2) --"i was tested at shands hematology/oncology last may." wtf? then he got all concerned, wanted my history and my dad's, and basically said in no uncertain terms that he couldn't believe the birth center didn't risk me out (strike 3). so my defenses shoot up and i am internally cursing and screaming at myself for even setting foot in his office, knowing that anything he says to the midwives comes down like the word of god. i just fucked my chances and i know it. so i start explaining that the hema told me it's fine, blah blah, i'm getting a letter, the BC wasn't worried; trying to salvage any hope i might have of him NOT ruining my birth, despite the fact that he was obviously not hearing a word i said. he also kept using phrases like "required to be on prophylaxis (ie, heparin)" and all i could think was 'REQUIRED?! who the fuck is going to force me to take it?' but of course i just tried not to bare my teeth at him instead. really bad start for this guy.

now i realize, i really do, that he is used to sub-intelligent, docile women who believe "doctor knows best" and expect him to tell them exactly how to wipe their asses properly, so i don't totally blame him for his flippant attitude... but it was 100% the wrong way to approach me, and if he had looked at my face just once he would've caught that and maybe our relationship could have been saved. but he didn't. and i'm not like the women he is used to.

on to the ultrasound... wow!! she is huge! perfect little legs and arms, she was moving and kicking all over the place, organs in the right places, she sucked her thumb, and at one point gave us a gorgeous profile shot too. as for the indication of her sex... no question there! it was clearly a girl's apparatus. i was so happy... we'll be getting the pics as soon as i bring in a usb drive for them. he altered my due date to may 7 but we're pretending like it didn't change since it's so close to the original estimate anyway.

so, then it's over and instead of politely giving me the towels to wipe the goo off my partially-exposed pubic area, he roughly starts rubbing it off for me. WTF? i already didn't like him, i don't like male doctors, i don't want them touching me even if i DO like them, and he's literally centimeters from assaulting me. it was not a good experience but in the end it was worth knowing she's a girl. and by the end of the appt he basically said he was going to do his own research on fvl and then talk to the BC about it. so we'll see what happens...

today i saw the BC and talked with them about the labor-monitoring situation and the dilation checks, and have good news on one side (dilation only *has* to be checked twice) and neutral news on the other (doppler legally required every 5 min during pushing). so. at least i know what i can say no to and what i have to endure if i stay with them.

matt keeps being really helpful and telling me if we end up at the hospital that he won't let them do anything to me i don't want... he says "i'll bring a gun if i have to" and i laugh, knowing he's only half-kidding. at least he means to protect me at all costs. it is comforting. but i don't know how to tell him i'm having it at home with no help before i will go to the hospital... that won't fall into his comprehensible paradigm of possibilities: how can he protect me if it's just me and the baby, no antagonist? something tells me he will be really uncomfortable with that.

last night was good though, in a 3 of swords sort of way (thanks baby); it was like the final test to lay it all out there and see what the powers-that-be decide about my fate, and whether i will go along with them or not. i think my decision is made, and i have acquired a pretty fatalistic attitude about the whole thing: if they say no BC, i say no help at all. if the BC is ok, we'll do it that way either at home or the center. it feels like the right way to decide it--let the universe take over.

matt was cute when i told him it's a girl... he didn't seem disappointed like i was afraid he might. though he did say we'll just have to make a boy next time :). he said he hopes she looks just like me "but a smidge taller and she'll be perfect." lol.

ahhh! halfway! i can't believe it's already here. part of me would be fine staying pregnant for a while longer... though i'm sure i will not feel that way once i'm another 15 pounds heavier and 20 inches rounder, lol.

oh and WE FIND OUT THE SEX TODAY! at 4pm. i am so freaking excited i can't put it into words. i promised i would eat sugar and caffeine right beforehand so the baby is wired for the ultrasound and not sleeping with its back turned or something absurd like that. seems like a good trick. (of course it's moving all around now so i'm sure by 4pm it will be sleeping soundly no matter what i do.)

yesterday i got a kick that was so forceful it startled a squeak out of me! totally out of nowhere and much harder than any previous pokes. it was cute. and i've noticed a really uncomfortable sensation when i try to ride my bike, like the baby is getting squished against my pelvis >< so i think i might not ride it anymore unless i absolutely have to.

oh, and on friday i found myself in the ER again, thankfully for a false alarm that turned out to be a pulled muscle. i have hypercoagulable blood (which is a big deal during pregnancy) and was showing all the signs of a potential clot in my leg, so i consulted with my dad--who's had four serious clots--and was advised to go to the hospital right away. i did, and it was nothing but a wasted 6 hours. annoying, but worth it.

boy? girl? today it will have additional identifying characteristics for me to associate with it! not just "small" and "human!" *squeal*

i realized i only know a few lullabies and i don't like any of them, so i am now endeavoring to learn a few that i DO like. the problem is they keep making cry! i am soooo sentimental these days.

but i am singing them because it's the best way to memorize them and the baby is totally kicking. i don't know if that means it hates it or likes it though, lol. its auditory system is developed enough to be able to hear me now...

a-z lullabies with some midi files to hear them
folk lullabies

oh wow--when i was really little i watched "empire of the sun" and there is a song in that movie sung by a boy's choir that i LOVED and never knew what it was... it's on the folk lullabies page. it's a welsh lullaby called 'suo gan.'

fyi: there are a few tori and iron & wine songs that make really great lullabies!

finally i managed to get a pic of my enormous belly for the record. and look how long my hair is! wee...
it looks like i am carrying really high, but i think that's just the photo angle because nate is so tall! i feel the baby below my belly button and on the right side, most of the time. i am sad to say that i am slowly losing my waist, however. i seem to be carrying kinda wide, to my great surprise (my mom was straight out with me--teeny waist preserved the whole time--and wide with my sister).

soon i won't be able to wear those jeans at all... right now i zip them about halfway and rubber band the button hole! lol.

anyway there it is. behold the belly.

holy shit, i never imagined what that could be like. 30 seconds of stabbing, tearing, unbearable, all-consuming agony that i could not alleviate or ignore. i started screaming and begging matt (who was sleeping deeply) to rub it out, and all i could do was yell, my body totally contorted into a stiff arch. seriously fucked up!

upon reflection, it was similar to the worst acupuncture pain i ever experienced--there was a point on my right foot that she would go for sometimes, to my great dread, that consistently felt like a railroad spike being slammed laterally right through my tarsal bones. explosions of purple lighting and white hot fire in my vision and all i could do was arch up and gasp... my foot always ached for days after that point was hit. but where that was like an explosion, sudden and all-powerful and quickly over, this was a rip, like a door of pain opening inside my leg, its contents spilling out to flood the rest of my body until it passed.

i hope i don't get many more of these... i am going to up my vitamin intake, keep up with the magnesium powder, and try to eat bananas (blah).

i found this yesterday on a thread at longhaircommunity.com (yes, i am a dork), and i was really moved by it. the actual film is not released yet, this is just a long trailer.

i think it addresses an incredibly important--and completely unexplored--issue in modern childbirth experience. what is the role of the father? why is he marginalized during the birth process and what does it mean for humanity? for his own identity as a father? for his child's relationship to him?



their blog is here, and contains some other interesting posts relating to birth and human rights issues which we absolutely do not address in our culture... as if babies are "not really human" yet and have no rights... (yes, a post on circumcision is DEFINITELY on the way)

this is really laughable considering i have no intention of being in the hospital, and if i am, it will be for an unavoidable c-section... but nonetheless, here is my birth plan. i hope it helps somebody else make one and not be afraid to be blunt. yes, the hospital will hate me if i end up there, but let them try to mess with me and they will see why someone once told me "you are kali."

Rhiannon and Matthew X
Due Date: May 11, 2009

Birthing Location:

* Birth Center of Gainesville (unless forced to leave)
* In hospital
o Private room, no more than one staff caregiver in the room at any time
o Access to bathtub, low/no lighting, and quiet, with door closed and electronics off as possible
o Will wear my own clothing
o Access to food and water or juice as desired
o Do not offer medications of any kind
o Minimal to no talking, no touching mother unless asked
o NO IV except in life-threatening emergency or caesarean

Starting/Inducing/Augmenting Labor:

* No induction unless medically necessary and not based on due date concerns. Only ‘natural’ (walking, sexual stimulation, acupressure, etc).
* NO amniotomy
* NO pitocin, cervidil, or cytotec or other chemical induction

Labor Monitoring:

* Minimal – No constant monitoring of any kind.
* Cervical checks only when mother agrees. No routine hourly checks.
* NO internal fetal monitoring.

Pain Management:

* Changing positions, warm bath, massage, hot/cold compresses, mental relaxation, etc
* NO epidural, spinal, narcotics, or other pharmaceutical pain management during labor. DO NOT OFFER.

Pushing:

* Spontaneous or exhale only; no directed pushing.
* Positions – prefer to squat, use ball, open to suggestions. No “stranded beetle” whatsoever.
* Perineal massage (by husband or midwife/doula only), hot compresses
* No forceps. No vaccuum. No fundal pressure.
* NO EPISIOTOMY

After labor:

* Uninterrupted contact with mother for at least one full hour
* DO NOT CUT UMBILICAL CORD. Placenta to be delivered naturally and left intact and attached to baby.
* Skin-to-skin warming of newborn – no confinement, no heated plastic boxes
* Immediate attempt to establish nursing
* NO vitamin K, no silver nitrate, no PKU, no antibiotics.
* Bath after first hour or so, performed by self/husband/midwife
* “Rooming in” – no nursery or separation whatsoever. No bottles, no pacifiers!
* NO CIRCUMCISION
* In the case of perineal repairs needed, localized anesthesia (Novocain, etc) requested prior to stitching

Emergency caesarean:

* ONLY IF MOTHER OR BABY WILL DIE WITHOUT IT. Midwife’s/doula’s input to be considered seriously.
* No general anesthesia; regional analgesia only. Mother will be awake and alert throughout.
* Husband and midwife present in OR
* Immediate contact with newborn, leave cord intact until pulsing stops, shared recovery of mother/baby
* See “After labor” for additional guidelines

more and more as things progress i get the feeling that i don't need or want anyone at this birth. i don't know if it's my own need to be left alone, a sense of overconfidence, or whether it might actually be the baby telling me in no uncertain terms that everything is fine and it would be safer that way. the feeling is so strong... and if it is the baby, i really do not want to express a lack of trust in it by going against my intuition.

it's the same feeling i started to get (so strongly) around the second hour of the waiting room in the ER the night i was bleeding... i freaked at first but after a while i knew it was ok, and i knew the baby was telling me so.

i just don't want to deal with managed care--even from well-meaning, compassionate midwives--if i don't have to. i mean, i know they are trained for things like resuscitation, but other than that, what else can they offer? part of this is that i fear offending them when i say, mid-labor, "stop touching me, stop talking, and leave me alone" and mean it. i already know i won't want them there.

so the question i have been earnestly asking myself lately is, as they put it so beautifully at empowered childbirth:
"Would you prefer a gentle birth and possibly a gentle death for a ... child? Or will you do *anything* to save your child?"

i am a strong believer in the idea that everything happens because it is supposed to happen, so i do realize that no matter what i do, the right thing will happen... and it keeps me from ever regretting choices i make... if the baby doesn't make it through the birth, i will know it was meant to be that way, hospital or not... but the thing that bothers me the most is wondering if i choose a managed birth and end up in the hospital with a c-section (or injured baby, or trouble bonding, or drug injections) for a stupid reason, will i regret that more than taking a chance at home, knowing how strong my intuition towards a safe homebirth is?

i don't know the answer to this. hospitals are really good at manipulating women into thinking "thank god, they saved my baby" even when the problem might never have arisen at home.

edit 12/17: i spoke to my dad last night, who is a retired fire rescue paramedic; turns out he is totally trained in neonatal resuscitation AND has delivered 3 or 4 babies in emergency situations. hmm... between him, my mom (2 natural births) and my doula (2 births of various kinds and several as a doula)... do i need anybody else? btw, the hospital is 3 minutes away from my house...

one more week to halfway! i can't believe how quickly this is going...

nothing new to report except it's obvious that my abdomen is growing as we speak, b/c i have been having a constant sort of "tight" feeling inside like i did at the beginning. my skin on the outside is still nice an supple but clearly some organs are being adjusted in there.

i went to the gym on friday and it felt really good to use my body (for the first time in a few months, ahem). for the first two months i was still jogging almost every day, but once the nights got longer i stopped... but i joined the gym last week and now i am "back on the wagon." the only thing that was weird, other than feeling fat amongst several fit 18-year olds who have probably never seen a pregnant woman up close, was that even though i did a nearly normal workout, i didn't sweat. i always sweat when i work out, though not profusely... but this time there was nothing. so i'm not sure if i just need to push harder or if something weird is up. most women sweat a lot more during pregnancy.

so yeah, nice workout, then the hot tub with my book... ahh. i'm thinking that's the plan for tonight also.

did i mention that i got the "bark" parts of the tree up on the wall? i was inspired on thursday night and just went for it; the whole thing only took me 30 minutes to put up, amazingly. so it looks really cute and now i just have to work on the leaves, flowers(?), and birds/butterflies. but i think i am going to hold out until we know the sex so that i can at least sort of cater it appropriately. i'll take a pic this week even though it's not done.

so yeah.

edit: i forgot, my mom decided to throw another confusing factor into my "baby sex predictions!" yesterday she informed me she had some kind of dream or vision that i was having a blue-eyed daughter. lol. i am soooo confused. when i "talk" to the baby it feels like a girl, but the dreams, and the tarot...

also i did some astrology calculations on friday so that i can have the chart ready-to-go when the baby is born, minus a few critical pieces. i worry that it will be a gemini (no offense, but one in my house is plenty!) but the fact is, the impressions i get of it are way too quiet and peaceful for a gemini. so i think it will be early or right on time...

oh how many of these wonderful, witty, and downright GOOD replies i have found...

for the record: while it is obvious from all sorts of research (and common sense--really) that breastfeeding, and breastmilk, are the best choices available, it is very unfortunately true that some women just can't do it for all sorts of reasons. blame it on their cultural upbringing, our societal sexualization of the breast to the point that we are all closet pervs, their insecurity in the face of criticism, family pressures, or real physical impediments; it just doesn't work for everybody. just because i wouldn't feed *my* baby formula doesn't mean it's not the best option for other people, and that they shouldn't have the right to choose as they like. that is my stance on it--personal choice is everything.

now, having stated my completely truthful disclaimer, let's get down to business! it should be apparent that i intend to breastfeed, at least until i can't anymore. i was a "biter" which is why my mom quit, and i have friends whose kids weaned themselves, and i can imagine i might just get sick of it after a while; i do know that i will not be an extended BFer. as much as i want to be totally open to it, i know already it's not for me... i personally wouldn't be comfortable continuing the nursing relationship past the point at which children start to develop long term memory. i'd be pretty disturbed as an adult if i could still remember my mom's boobs being in my mouth. anyway... back to the point...

so yes, i will be breastfeeding like a champ just like my mom and her mom (thank you good genes!) and naturally this means there will come a time at which i must do so in public. gainesville is a happy hippie place, so maybe things won't be so bad here--however, in addition to the easy-going pot-smoking older crowd, there are also hordes of 18 year old girls and boys who haven't yet developed their neocortexes to the point that they can process complex ideas and register things like boobs do not always equal sex--but i am trying to prepare myself for the most likely inevitable rude comments, stares, etc to a woman feeding a baby from her body in public. so i've been stashing clever responses :)

love these!

responses to "when are you going to wean?" #1 and #2

my all-time favorites:

rude person: Can you please cover yourself while doing that?

proud mama: Oh, I’m sorry. Would you also mind throwing a blanket over yourself while you eat that slab of meat on your plate? (the vegetarian comeback)

***

“I’m sorry that using my breasts for their intended purpose rather than as sexual objects makes you uncomfortable.”

***

Q: “Could you possibly do that in a restroom?”

A: “No, but if you don’t like it then you can always go into the restroom while my child finishes eating.”

***

FYI, in florida there is are statutes (383.015, 800.02, 827.071) which explicitly state a few helpful things:

- A mother may breastfeed her baby in any location, public or private, where the mother is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple of the mother's breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breastfeeding.
- exclude breastfeeding from various sexual offenses, such as lewdness, indecent exposure, and sexual conduct.

apparently a lot of women carry around a card with the laws on it in case anybody tries to make them leave, cover up, go to another room, etc. no one is allowed to make you do that.

of course, i certainly won't be flaunting my bosoms all about town, but hey, babies have to eat too, and i'm glad to know i don't have to hide it. plenty of people walk around in what i consider to be disgusting or inappropriate clothing/appearances all the time, but that is their right--if it bothers me, i look away. they can too.

>:P

(some awkward sentences, i think "laura" is not a native english-speaker)

from naturalmomstalkradio.com:

...Out of millions of women that specific baby has chosen specifically you. So, the main mission during pregnancy would be for our mother to be herself, which means not to be concentrating on the baby she has never seen yet. Of course, she will have her thoughts visiting the baby, but it is her look onto life that she should develop. She should be — I remember when I was pregnant, I wanted to be at my best of my best. Maybe I was 10% of my best, but at least I was striving. I was enthusiastic about discovering even who I was and dedicating that to the making of the baby.

Carrie Lauth: Hmm… Well, this is all very fascinating. So, tell us more about what this means for a mom. If a mom is sitting here listening and she is pregnant, what advice do you have for her? It sounds a little intimidating. I mean would she be concerned about every little thing that she is thinking or every situation that she found herself in? What advice would you have for her?

Laura Uplinger: I understand what you are saying. Yes, maybe the first then advice would be relax woman, enjoy, be happy. Joy is certainly one of the most beautiful things we can offer life to ourselves even if we were not pregnant. When situations are difficult and we are pregnant, it is also wonderful to know that that baby is a companion of yours. It is not a one-way street. Our baby also protects us. So many women — I mean during the wars in Europe I had read a lot of that, but also recently I have heard of women who were pregnant and were able to say that baby was telling me that everything was going to be okay. I could trust and relax. So, open up to your baby.

There are messages also from the womb. Many say that the consciousness of each child is not in the body. The body has been made, maybe even visited by the child as far as consciousness, but as far as our consciousness is not complete in our body, the mother should be very happy of her power over the formation of this body. Yes, it is intimidating. Everything is intimidating when it is well done. I mean I can imagine a sculptor starting a sculpture, or a painter starting a painting, or a writer in front of a white page. Creation is intimidating.

When we form something, it is intimidating, but we can take delight. Maybe the strongest quality for pregnancy, labor and mothering and parenting is surrender. That is something that we, women, love doing when we surrender to a mystery, to a force, to beauty. I believe this conversation we are having is being heard by some mothers who are having kind of a confirmation, their intuition had already talked on that. We were fetuses one day. We were embryos. We went through that. We were born. So, it awakens in us just to speak about this subject a lot of memories even if they are subconscious, they have such an echo in us. I am sure that some are saying “Aha! See, I knew that there was something and everybody around me was making fun of me.”

Carrie Lauth: Yeah. My sister always said that she knew the day after she had conceived the child and everybody would say that she was crazy.

Laura Uplinger: Exactly. Exactly. There are dreams. There are physical sensations. It is a huge science. I would not be into this field if there was not therapy for those who had severe traumas but I also know how much healing we get through a good pregnancy. Then when I hold my child in my hand, a newborn child or a 1-month-old child, the little one I was at that same age is also awakening me. A lot that I will do for that child, maybe that was never done to me because my parents were too busy or this was not the fashion like we would not breastfeed and things like that in the 1950s.

Well, a lot that I will do still can transform this child I was once. I know this is a bit philosophical but it as if there was no past. There is an eternal present. At anytime, I can assess the state of my being and repair, re-edit. Those scars are not like the scars on our skin. They would be like when I put my hand in the water and I take it out, you do not see where the hole was anymore. There was no scar. So is the psyche of the human being. So, psychologically, any gesture, any effort we make towards the well-being of a baby, we also make it towards the baby we were once at that age and that is beautiful.

***

isn't it though?

i have spent the past two days (so far) searching for articles or essays on some combination of 'pregnancy + spirituality or pagan or ritual or metaphysical or academic" and 90% of the search results are either essays on teen pregnancy, abortion, or pagan fertility rituals. ugh! i just want some good essays on the spirituality of pregnancy. i even searched for "pregnancy as liminal state" and all i got were anthropological studies on indigenous tribes and rites of passage. i want to discuss the state of pregnancy as a strange existence in a limbo between worlds... i am so much more open and sensitive (and i am usually pretty open and sensitive) and i need stimulation to explore it more deeply.

but anyway, i have found a nice little treasure-trove of articles from Compleat Mother magazine which i have been enjoying. i've also come across some insightful father-oriented pieces. i think i will just link them here instead of talking about them like i was planning to. but at the end i do want to discuss circumcision, for the record.

thoughts on induction

why men leave

getting fathers involved in pregnancy

love in the garden (husband as gardener--really sweet)

our children's needs

learning through compassion

truth about antenatal testing (by a med student)

righteous anger part 1

righteous anger part 2

trial by fire (really well written birth story with afterthoughts)

ok... i just spent a lot of time doing that and now i have lost interest in finishing this post. circumcision discussion to come later. (mood swing, i feel like crap and i think i am going to cry over something really stupid. damnit!)

geez i can't believe i written 100 posts worth of stuff on here. i hope it wasn't all crap!

so i had another baby dream last night, and this time i was actually awake for the birth. the entire dream was insanely long and complicated with a ton of real people in it, but here's the birth part:

i was in my bathroom and the tub was full but i was just sitting at the toilet (with the lid closed) and i think my mom was there, and suddenly i felt a slight pressure and i knew the baby was going to come, so i got into the bath and it literally just came out of me, no pain, no effort on my part except willingness... it just made its way out, and i picked it up out of the water and it was really small and red/purple, and it didn't cry, it seemed ok and happy to be on my chest. the placenta came out with the baby all in one shot, almost like the baby was holding it. unfortunately i do not know if it was a boy or a girl! that just wasn't part of the dream.

(later, however, i did dream that i was walking along the road with my daughter--she was probably 7--and a friend. it was fuzzy but she had blondish hair and looked a lot like i did at her age.)

i've eaten 4 pieces of gourmet chocolate in the last 15 minutes. i could the whole box right now...

and/but:

"The ebb and flow of emotions that accompanies pregnancy can cause you to turn to food," she says, "when what you really need is a hug."

*sniffle* damnit! ugh! it's true!!

ok, i am grumpy. grumpygrumpygrumpy.

stupid things are setting me off, like matt pausing for too long while we're talking on the phone, or telling me that we "discussed" buying ANOTHER truck (we certainly did not, and this is MY car we are replacing--i don't want a damned truck!), or students asking me the same question 5 times or my friends being antagonistic and annoying about pointless things. i have no patience. and the more i think about it the worse it gets!

motherfucker! i need to go find something funny like NOW.

yes, i said we painted the nursery! it's the perfect color! i found this pic online and it was called "green mist" but i could swear the color we bought was called 'pale meadow'... whatever though, it's the same color i'm sure (the only one from that brand that matched).
it looks so good! so now i am ready to build the paper tree and finish the other fun decorative bits. whatever they may be. *bites lip*

seriously though, what? i'm sure i will let it all evolve naturally once i get started, but i'd like to have some idea. i tell myself it will take me two weeks to do the tree anyway, so by then i'll know the gender (IT JUST POKED ME AGAIN) and we can tailor it to that (AGAIN) with either flowers or bugs for the springtime thing. i'd say the hell with it, have flowers and bugs either way, but matt doesn't want the room to be girly if it's a boy... i can forgive that the first time around.

so yeah, real progress has been made and i am happy about it! keep the steam going...

whew i had a busy weekend. so did matt, actually.

in a combined effort, we managed to:
-print 30 shirts (with different designs!)
-cook, peel, and can all the sweet potatoes from our garden--about 9 jars worth
-get an amazing deal on a huge chest freezer for food storage
-clean out and organize the laundry and printing rooms
-paint the nursery
-cook a whole chicken, make it into stock, make that into soup, and can it
-bake a peach cobbler
-(accidentally) create the perfect facial scrub

...and we still had time to get groceries. impressive, no?

as for the baby update, today i am t i r e d and i'm not sure why. maybe just the weekend catching up to me. i think i felt it moving from outside my belly the other day though--i was laying in bed watching a childbirth course DVD (not a very good one) and i had my hand on my belly, and i felt these two distinct jabs that i am sure weren't gas. gas doesn't poke you! so that was really fun, i just wish matt had been there to catch it. i felt it again in the car on sunday through my seatbelt.

i've been feeling good except for continuing headaches and i've noticed my belly is really growing. it's pretty itchy too even though i keep it slathered in greasy substances. same with my boobs... still tingling, still too big, and now an added bonus (TMI WARNING): i can actually make the tiniest amount of clear liquid come out if i really try. that was a suprising discovery! then i started worrying that if i mess with it i won't have any colostrum left for the baby, but turns out that's totally wrong, and reassuring.

haha. funny things happen when you're pregnant. seriously. but i can hardly contain myself waiting to find out the baby's sex! 2 more weeks. also i've been having some really minor and momentary mood swings, like all of a sudden i'll get bored or tired or impatient about something and just feel snippy. i try not to act on them but matt is psychic (damnit!) so he can tell even if i don't say anything. and then i feel bad for being cranky, which doesn't help. but overall it has been a minor irritation and only when i am not alone. which isn't often these days.

i visit www.babycenter.com almost daily, just to browse around and whatnot, and once a week to get the "development update" for my week. the best part about the whole thing is the user comments and posts.

there is a poll on delivery dates that i thought was pretty interesting though:

How close to your due date did you deliver? It's said that less than 5 percent of women give birth on their actual due date. What about you?

wow. i just wasted some time on a pregnancy forum to see if there was anything interesting i should be thinking about (there isn't, it's all "am i pregnant?" posts as usual), but i've been kind of intrigued by the forums made for new dads... so i spent a few minutes browsing those posts, and about 90% of them are along the lines of: help! my pregnant gf/wife hates me! scary shit.

so i read through a few of them, and man, these poor poor guys are being completely abused by ragingly psychotic hormonal women. kicked out of the house, told they aren't loved, screamed at for nothing... and the guys unanimously say "she is my life, i love her and i'll do anything" in response! but their women just don't care. even the men who sound like they really handle shit and go out their way to be helpful are being treated horribly. and the women who respond to the cries for help basically say, yep, it's hormones, i hated my husband too, just wait it out.

hormones?! if my hormones made me hate matt i would die. he would die. i am suddenly extremely thankful that my mood swings only lasted a week or two and were never directed at matt. i'm starting to think i'm also very lucky that he's not home 5 nights a week. i did get pretty pissy that he stole all the freshly-baked cookies yesterday (and the day before)! but not enough to hate him over it... though if he did it all the time... *twitch*

in other news, the baby seems to be moving a lot more lately, or else i am just noticing it more since it's "about the size of a turnip" ...however big that is! i guess i should call it little turnip now. haha.

and (TMI warning!) this is weird, but i've been noticing that my boobs tingle in response to certain phrases, ideas, song lyrics, etc... even pictures and live babies sometimes make them tingle. i'm sure it's perfectly normal (seems logical to me) but it is odd! i swear it feels like they are trying really hard to do their thing... it's just too early.

i started reading "the scientification of love" by michel odent last night. i quite like him, though the book itself isn't exactly easy reading... his english is fine but i suspect the book was written in french and translated, because it has a slightly unnatural feel to the language, even though it perfectly conveys the message. it's a series of very short, kind of choppy chapters detailing new insights on "the scientification of love" from various disconnected research perspectives, so you really have to work to make the connections yourself; science hasn't done it for you. as he describes it, the subject is like a mirror broken into a thousand pieces and each science has one piece but can't see how it fits with the others. he's trying to fit them together himself.

anyway the reason for this post is that there was a paragraph that really struck me, in which he was talking about how back in the 70s the idea that since no other natural physiological process is painful, birth pain must be culturally created. (i've talked about this before and it made a lot of sense to me.) but he says that's wrong... that hormonally we need labor to be painful so that our bodies will release endorphins which facilitate and possibly even trigger the actions of the more important birth/love/bonding hormones (oxytocin and prolactin). that totally blew me away. maybe birth is supposed to be painful? maybe we should be glad that it is! even after the pain stops the endorphins continue to flow for hours after birth...

it's interesting to me because the "cultural delusion" theory totally made sense to me, and i think in part it is still true... we are super scared of labor and conditioned to expect agony our whole lives... but maybe, rather than creating the pain outright, our fears and expectations simply intensify the feelings we would naturally already be having (and put a scary spin on them).

to be honest, i love the idea that the pain helps make birth more pleasant; because in the end, that is what the effect is. i want to be thankful for all aspects of my birth, however difficult they may be. and pain=endorphins=hormone cascade=bonding=love. it's another great reason not to use drugs in labor... you miss out on the pleasure that directly results from the pain. (of course, you still release the bonding hormones during breastfeeding even if you have an anaesthetized or sedated birth.)

fascinating. odent rocks.

did you really have any doubt that this news would be in the headlines soon? as soon as they found it in "chinese milk products" i knew we had an overarching problem as well.

this is from naturalnews.com:

90 Percent of U.S. Infant Formula May Be Contaminated with Melamine; FDA Abruptly Declares Chemical Safe for Babies

by Mike Adams, NaturalNews Editor

(NaturalNews) Up to 90 percent of the infant formula sold in the United States may be contaminated with trace amounts of melamine, the toxic chemical linked to kidney damage, according to recent tests. The FDA's test results, which the agency hid from the public and only released after the Associated Press filed a Freedom of Information Act request, showed that Nestle, Mead Johnson and Enfamil infant formula products were all contaminated with melamine.

The AP is also reporting that Abbott Laboratories conducted its own in-house tests that detected trace levels of melamine in its formula products. Together, these infant formula manufacturers make about 90 percent of the infant formula sold in the United States.

Prior to these test results being made public, the FDA had published a document on its website that explained there was no safe level of melamine contamination in infant formula. Specifically, the FDA stated, "FDA is currently unable to establish any level of melamine and melamine-related compounds in infant formula that does not raise public health concerns."

Once tests found melamine in U.S.-made formula products, however, the FDA changed its story. As of today, the FDA has now officially declared melamine to be safe in infant formula as long as the contamination level is less than one part per million (1 ppm).

Astonishingly: The FDA has no new science to justify its abrupt decision declaring melamine to be safe!

Protecting Big Business instead of American babies

Rather than being based on science, the FDA's decision appears to be based entirely on creating cover for U.S. infant formula manufacturers whose products were found to be contaminated with melamine. The "acceptable" level of contamination (1 ppm) is conveniently just above the levels found in U.S. infant formula products, thus placing U.S. infant formula in the "safe" contamination level category.

And yet the FDA has conducted no safety testing whatsoever to determine whether 1ppm of melamine is safe for infants to consume. There is no science involved in this decision whatsoever. Rather than this decision being based on science, the FDA is once again resorting to politically-motivated decisions that seek to protect the profits of Big Business rather than the safety of infants and children.

Recall that the FDA also recently declared Bisphenol-A to be safe for infants to consume, even while countries like Canada banned the chemical from baby bottles. The FDA, it seems has never met a corporate-sponsored chemical it didn't like.

Where did the melamine come from?

Laughingly, the FDA claims the 1ppm of melamine in U.S. infant formula must have come from the manufacturing machines or food packaging equipment. And yet the AP is reporting that the expected level of melamine contamination from manufacturing equipment is only 15 ppb (parts per billion).

But the FDA's own tests on Mead Johnson infant formula reveal it to contain 245 ppb, or 1600% more than what would be expected to exists due to melamine contamination from manufacturing equipment.

There are two really important questions that any intelligent consumer should be asking about all this:

Question #1) If the manufacturing and packaging equipment is contaminated with melamine, does this mean that ALL food products containing milk protein are similarly contaminated? The same companies that make infant formula also make Slim Fast, Ensure and Boost -- all are milk protein-based meal replacement products containing many of the same ingredients as infant formula. Are they contaminated with melamine, too?

Question #2) If manufacturing and packaging machinery should only result in melamine contamination levels of 15 ppb, and yet 245 ppb were found in the infant formula, then where did all the extra melamine come from? The FDA has no explanation for this and seems to hope people will forget to ask.

Two theories of melamine contamination

I offer two theories to explain the melamine contamination of these products. Obviously, the contamination could not be caused by the manufacturing and packaging of the product, because the melamine levels already found in U.S. infant formula products greatly exceed the expected levels from such manufacturing and packaging. The following two theories may explain the additional levels of detected melamine.

Theory #1: The infant formula is adulterated with melamine

This is what happened in China: Infant formula manufacturers added melamine to their milk protein to bulk up the product without adding much cost (melamine is much cheaper than milk protein). Because melamine's chemical profile is strikingly similar to milk protein, it can often fool simple protein analysis tests and appear to be legitimate.

If infant formula products use any milk protein from China, it could very easily have been adulterated with melamine. However, this is just a theory, and NaturalNews has no evidence that U.S. infant formula manufacturers actually used milk protein from China. Thus, we do not believe Theory #1 to be correct. Theory #2, below, seems more likely.

Theory #2: U.S. dairy operations are using animal feed contaminated with melamine

Because melamine is passed through cow's milk, the contamination of U.S. dairy cows with melamine through their feed could result in high melamine concentrations in the resulting milk proteins.

China has already admitted that melamine has been detected in alarming quantities in animal feed there, and tests have already shown chickens to be contaminated with the chemical. The question today is this: Do U.S. dairy farms use animal feed containing ingredients imported from China?

If so, then we may have a problem here that's much, much bigger than infant formula. We may have a dairy industry that's producing melamine-contaminated milk, which could mean that virtually all milk, yoghurt, butter and cheese produced in the U.S. might be contaminated with some level of melamine.

Again, NaturalNews has no proof that this is the situation, but the melamine must have come from somewhere. It didn't just spontaneously generate in the infant formula as the FDA would seemingly want us to believe. If the milk proteins in infant formula are contaminated with melamine, then it stands to reason that the milk proteins used throughout the food supply may also be contaminated.

We may, indeed, be looking at an industry-wide problem here. Powdered milk, meal replacement products and even milk protein drinks may all be contaminated with melamine at levels similar to the infant formula products.

Because you have to follow the logic here: Either the infant formula manufacturers ADDED melamine to their products (highly unlikely), or the entire milk product industry has a melamine problem.

You can't logically conclude that these infant formula manufacturers somehow got all the melamine-contaminated milk proteins but everybody else got melamine-free milk proteins. Milk proteins are a commodity in the food industry, and milk from thousands of different cows can all be mixed together in a single pound of milk protein. What could be happening here is that one dairy farm may have highly-contaminated cows because it used cheap feed fillers from China.

At this point, this is all just a theory, but it's a theory that makes sense. It makes a lot more sense than the FDA's theory that there's no problem and babies should just keep drinking melamine (and Bisphenol-A, for that matter...) and the press should stop asking questions.

Secret tests and public lies

There's no doubt that these infant formula manufacturers are pursuing the very same contamination theories I'm describing here. They're probably scrambling to test their milk protein sources, trying to figure out where all the extra melamine is coming from.

As usual, they'll try to keep the test results secret, preventing this from exploding into a much larger public health issue. The FDA, for its part, will continue to conduct any actual science in secret, preventing the public from knowing the tests results unless it is sued by organizations like the AP.

That's assuming the FDA conducts any science at all, because now the FDA believes it can declare contaminants to be safe at a level it just invents on the spot, without conducting any science whatsoever. The FDA is playing "Wheel of Fortune" with public safety (http://www.naturalnews.com/023681.html), and it's relying on guessing games - rather than actual science - to declare safety levels of chemicals it doesn't even understand.

The upshot of all this is really quite simple: People who feed their babies manufactured, mainstream infant formula products are fools! If there was ever a reason to breastfeed your baby, this is it. And if you're looking for truly safe infant formula products, go with natural brands such as Genesis Organics Goat Milk Formula (www.GenesisOrganics.com) or other "natural" brands that don't use cheap cow's milk proteins.

After all, it's quite clear at this point that the FDA doesn't care about your baby's health. You're the only one who can protect your baby from melamine. The FDA flat out refuses to do so. In fact, it's doing the opposite by declaring melamine to be safe!

So stop buying conventional infant formula products and start feeding your baby what it was meant to consume: Human breast milk from a healthy, well-nourished mom who eats lots of omega-3 oils and superfoods.

That's the best infant formula in the world. And by the way, human babies shouldn't be drinking bovine milk in the first place. The whole infant formula industry was a scam long before melamine came along. Now it's a contaminated scam.

***

while the author is kind of a dick about it, i have to agree... human babies were meant to drink human milk, not cow's milk. if you have trouble breast feeding, contact la leche league or the place you birthed at--they WILL have help for you. and don't automatically believe your doc when he tells you your baby is not getting enough nutrition from your breasts. if the baby is happy and feeding, you are doing just fine. every person is different; all medical standards are the same.

Naturebirth by Danae Brook

synopsis: a woman in the 70s who had a rough first birth experience shares her acquired wisdom after working with an awesome mentor during her next two births. lots of statistical info (now outdated) and really raw, practical, accessible knowledge from a woman who understands what birth is and is not.

target audience: all pregnant women! especially those who want to feel empowered in a real sense, and maybe those who didn't know they needed to. birth partners, doulas, and professionals will benefit greatly as well.

notes: while the title attracts more hippie-type readers, probably, it was actually a very balanced book. she does a great job raising metaphysical questions without being fluffy or flaky, and she really doesn't shy away from the harsh realities of birth, either. everything from breathing exercises to medications/illegal drugs and side effects to whether the manner of birth affects the personality of the child.

rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars because i loved every minute of this book. she is a powerful writer with a valuable perspective on everything she writes about. she really emphasizes the importance of the man's (or partner's) role in pregnancy, birth, and childrearing, giving the partner a real sense of worth and purpose... pregnancy and birth are not about excluding the other DNA contributor, and she does a great job pointing out that pregnant women really *need* their lovers to be around. half a star lost because i got annoyed that she defended episiotomies as a way "to prevent severe tearing" which it is absolutely not. i assume wisdom and common sense have increased over the last 30 years, which is why she only lost half a star for the mistake. overall: read it!

this was the wreck of a space called our "spare bedroom" at the beginning of my revamping process. hell, isn't it? the shot of bare drywall is where matt flipped the closet out of that room into our bedroom (a week after we moved in 3+ years ago). i finished it last month.

as soon as i paint and build the tree i will take "after" pictures. i just wanted to set the mood with these awful before pics first, haha.

i am almost halfway there already! ahh!

this will not be a complaining post, but i just want to reiterate that even the wonderful midwives at the birth center are bottom-line driven by fear of the constraints placed upon them by their "superiors" at the AMA and florida legislature. *sigh* for a second at my last appt the chick nearly freaked that i was able to feel the baby already, thinking my dates 'must be off by a lot' and worrying that we needed to adjust them so i don't end up birthing too early and blah blah... but then she felt my belly and decided i'm on schedule. but she couldn't believe that i might just be feeling it so early. blah... i'm not lying...

so yeah, my belly is seriously growing now. it's the strangest thing to be able to watch your body change and have no control over it whatsoever, and to know that nothing you do will stop or speed up the process. usually you get fat (eating too much) or thin (working out/not eating) but ultimately it's your choices and actions that make the difference. not this time, and it's weird! i mean, i feel like a spectator in some sense... i get to wake up and say "oh, look, it's bigger! funny." and it is funny.

but i got some cute sweaters to fit over the expansion so i am ready for winter! now i just need a few more warmish skirts and i'll be set :)

no new reminders (aka symptoms) lately... headaches remain pretty mild but otherwise i feel great. yay!