september mama

i just spent some time going through my old posts from the same period while i was pregnant with rowan (roughly 6-10 weeks) and i am thoroughly impressed with my correct assessments of rowan's personality even so early on! check this out. it's so her.

this time i am feeling a strong sense of femininity--not for myself exactly, but from in there. i wouldn't say i feel pretty or anything, just more like a girl. and i am rather emotional, which of course only means that the hormones are working their obnoxious magic on me... i also have a sense of deep-rooted calm and confidence that i can tell is not my own. even when i'm stressed the calm is still in there.

today was a pretty crappy day but i don't want to get into it right now... maybe once i have things sorted out with my prenatal care situation i will be able to reflect in wisdom, but not at the moment.

for no reason at all, i think it's a girl. just a hunch.

last week rowan and i met with the midwives' cooperative, and it was good. i knew lynne and jessica a little bit from the prologue to karen's birth (and from MUCH word-of-mouth) but i hadn't met donna, their #3. so we had our little interview and i felt really good about it. i'm torn now in deciding who my primary midwife will be--i think i have already decided, deep down, but i'm trying to justify that decision and make sure it's the right one. here's my assessment of each of them, based on what we talked about (my issues/their responses):

Lynne - she is calm. she is confident. she's not worried about anything, she's quick to laugh but appears to be very sensitive (i.e., she knows when to laugh and when not to). she's also a little reserved, maybe, and i found her hard to read at moments but feel that she was genuinely warm. she's been doing it so long that calling her a midwife seems redundant.

Jessica - she is young and oozes a love for birth. i think she is very aware of the emotional side of things but doesn't let it overcome her--she feels without being sucked in. she's careful with what she says until she can gauge the relationship, though she is unreservedly encouraging. she holds her knowledge close to the surface but she is gaining the calm confidence of lynne over time. she seems excited for me to be there.

Donna - she was maybe a little bit nervous, or it could have been just her personality--energetic. she reads 3-4 books a week. she does not seem to have the confidence of the others, but i'm not sure why not. she has a background in nursing. i felt like she was defending herself somehow, though she seemed really sweet and caring. she called herself a "guardian of normal," which i liked. she reminds me of my grandmother somehow.

so i was initially thinking that i really needed an older, quiet, "wise" woman at the birth who will trust things and leave me alone. my preconceptions have been challenged, however, and my gut tells me that jessica is the best for us. i watched her leave karen alone through labor, and in addition to that i just felt something click with us. i am torn for lynne and donna as a backup, because i really like lynne but i want to give donna a chance... but in the end i think i will ask for lynne if only because i know how well she and jessica work together. i guess we'll see.

i've come up with a question for them though, and i think i will email them with it in a few minutes; it's silly but i hope it will allow me to get a grip on who they think they are in terms of being midwives. i've asked them to invent an ideal title for themselves, like Rhiannon, Mistress of Accidental Pregnancies, for example. i hope they don't think i'm stupid for it, lol. i just want to know what their ideal vision of themselves is like...

anyway. this post is a few days old now and still not published, so it's about time. more later.

ok, i just noticed my last two posts were about fertility charting being awesome and then whoa i'm pregnant... funny, but actually no, i did not get pregnant because charting failed me.

on 12/30 i was in the hospital getting my appendix removed (at the beginning of my cycle). for the next week i was out of it and not taking my temperature at all, and i never really picked it back up, considering i assumed my cycle to be off from the stress of the surgery. nevertheless, i also assumed (you know that saying about ass-you-me...?) that the days on which matt and i were less than careful were well past any likely ovulation date. clearly, i was wrong. perhaps if i had been taking my temperature like a good little girl this would never have happened! but we are ok with another baby, so c'est la vie.

related to this is the fact that my dates are now off since i ovulated at least a week later than my cycle says i should have. will have to address that with whatever midwife i choose to see *and* convince them i do not need an ultrasound to prove it...

i have decided not to go to the birth center for my prenatal care this time. my reasons for this are solid and threefold:
1) i work there, and the space is very different to me now
2) i don't really like the idea of midwives and students knowing every tiny detail of my pregnancy and/or discussing my chart while i'm in the next room
3) i have a deep anxiety about repeating past patterns, i.e., same midwives, same protocols, same place of labor... too easy to let associations take over and create a situation for myself that i do NOT want to be in again.
so, i just have to sit down with my boss and explain. i feel bad, but this isn't the right place for me anymore when it comes to envisioning how i want my birth.

and... not to talk crap, because they are wonderful people and it's a great place to have a baby (if you are normal and lucky), but it really is a halfway house between hospital and homebirth. the setup is so similar to any group practice and i hate to say it, but they are very medically-inclined around here. i realize now that what i want from a midwife is a connection--i want to know that she understands my philosophy and feelings on birth and pregnancy, not just that she is watching my weight and checking my urine for me. the midwives here do a great job supervising and managing their patients' health, but "care" means something different to me.

i shouldn't say this publicly, but if it were up to me i might not even bother with prenatal care. as it is i'm debating bothering with a birth attendant. i've come to realize that the best way for us to have a safe, healthy, peaceful pregnancy and birth is to let nature do its thing and not get in the way. my views have really radicalized since rowan's birth and everything that my sister went through with her son. on the one hand, if she hadn't found out about his birth defect he could've died in childbirth (had he been full-term), but on the other, the problems i had with my labor were all a result of letting the interventions take over (starting with castor oil). i'm coming to terms with the r e a l i t y of the fact that sometimes babies die, and sometimes mothers die. i have to decide what i am more afraid of--the possibility of death or the possibility of never experiencing the ultimate moment of life? they are two sides of the same coin, and to want one means you have to face the reality of the other. i'm working that out.

ideally i will birth in our new home, in my gorgeous tub, with matt only or alone completely, perhaps (probably) with a midwife in the next room being silent and unobtrusive. i am strongly against any observation, touching, prodding, monitoring, etc because it interferes with natural labor and i know that it affected me more than anything else the last time. if i had been left to myself i am sure i would not have had to transfer to the hospital. i didn't feel safe, which is why my body just stopped pushing after two tries. so this time around, i am sorting out how far to take my non-intervention mindset... how far does that extend into the prenatal period? something tells me either i trust myself 100% or not at all. no testing, period.

*but* i will not go into a meeting with a midwife being a stubborn b*tch, so i am remaining open enough to discuss possibilities, at least. if i can't find someone who will agree to my vision and it comes down to desperation, i can always call too late in labor (like after the baby is born) and say "oops," right? ha.

anyway... those are my rambling thoughts. oh and "morning" sickness came on like a freight train yesterday evening. i had to run out of the room where i was putting rowan to bed to projectile vomit. twice. today i feel like soggy bread and my stomach is miserable. ah, pregnancy!