september mama

really great article on mothering.com:

"...compare this to CDC estimates that 0.5 percent of babies born to GBS-positive mothers with no treatment will develop a GBS infection, and that 6 percent of those who develop a GBS infection will die. Six percent of 0.5 percent means that three out of every 10,000 babies born to GBS-positive mothers given no antibiotics during labor will die from GBS infection. If the mother develops anaphylaxis [from taking penicillin] during labor (one in 10,000 will), and it is untreated, it is likely that the infant, too, will die. So, by CDC estimates, we save the lives of two in 10,000 babies--0.02 percent--by administering antibiotics during labor to one third of all laboring women. We should also keep in mind that this figure does not take into account the infants that will die as a result of bacteria made antibiotic-resistant by the use of antibiotics during labor--infants who would not otherwise have become ill. When you take that into account, there may not be any lives saved by using antibiotics during labor."

i looked into this because i am wondering whether one is allowed to give birth out-of-hospital if group b positive (i just called the birth center and it's fine). but now, armed with more knowledge than i had 15 minutes ago, i am confident in refusing THAT test, too. or at least refusing the treatment in the case that i allow them to test me.

it's amazing to me, the multitude of ways the medical community manages to interfere with the natural course of labor to no justifiably improved outcome. i am going to say something that will most certainly be perceived as fucked up right now... you've been warned...

the process of birth is a dangerous, difficult, and trying event for a baby. it was designed to be that way biologically. for the mother too. 100% of babies and mothers were not meant to survive... call it a test of genetic integrity, a chance for "survival of the fittest" to rear its head and be heard. the simple fact is that sometimes, best intentions aside, people die during birth. it sucks, it's sad, and i sincerely hope it never happens to anyone i know, but the fact is it DOES happen. it happens in the most medically-managed of births (either from interventions or in spite of them) and in the most "natural" of homebirths too. IT HAPPENS. and that's ok. sitting here with my little girl--whom i want nothing more than to meet--kicking inside my belly, i can accept that sometimes babies die. it's just a fact of life, and for me, i would rather accept all the risk that comes with saying "no" to needles, drugs, instruments, and interference than wonder, should anything untoward happen and i lose my baby, whether it was the fault of a treatment i knew the risks of and didn't refuse. i know the risks of natural birth, and i accept them. if our two intertwined bodies can't work together to produce her in a healthy and safe manner, then i can accept that she wasn't meant to live on this earth and be grateful that her existence was spent warm, close, and comfortable as long as it lasted. what i could not accept would be to wonder whether things might have been different if i had said "no" to this or that or the other test or drug or whatever. (yes, there is a good argument here that if i believe, as i do, that "everything happens for a reason" it is fair to say that if i were to accept treatment and something bad happened, that was meant to be too...)

in any case, that basically sums up my feelings. i am truly sorry, and it is so sad, that women and babies die sometimes, but i think it is wrong that we treat it as such an aberration, an affront, even, "how could this happen to ME?"--we should all grow up a little and accept that death is part of life, especially in such risky activities as birth. i am not so selfish as to assume or take for granted that i will be the exception to the rule that 'sometimes people die;' and should i end up in that situation i can only hope i will accept it for what it is, a natural and entirely statistically expected fact of life, and not have a sense of injustice about it. i would rather trust my decisions, whatever their consequences, than go along with someone else's opinion out of a sense of fear or doubt in myself.

all i can do to try to create the most positive outcome for myself and my baby is to go with my intuition... and it tells me loud and clear every day what NOT to do. guide on, little daemon. i'm listening.

time is really starting to fly. i went from "aww, cute little bump" to "damn you're pregnant!" in no time flat. seriously. my stomach is so big... and it's 'tired' if you can imagine what that might feel like. it's like my belly has been lifting weights and just wants to lie down for a while, but it can't. i'm seriously considering one of those support belts because just having something take some of the weight off sounds sooooo nice right now.

but it's not that bad, i mean, that's my only complaint so i probably shouldn't be complaining at all! my ankles have recently had bouts of swelling, which is interesting (and honestly a little scary at first, considering my blood thing--swelling=bad usually) and totally unattractive, lol. oh and my thighs are definitely growing, though thankfully not in proportion with my belly. and i so need new bras! my fashion options are becoming smaller by the day...

actually i do have one genuine complaint: headaches. i had a really nasty headache from friday night all the way through last night, but of course it went away in time for my work week to begin. awesome. it's weird how they are coming and going, but when i have them they are pretty intense and totally unexplained. and nothing seems to help; but it was good practice trying to "relax into the pain" to fall asleep last night. i'm learning to accept and embrace unpleasant sensations rather than tense against them... my training for the surges of explusion to come.

we still don't have a name *sigh* but that's probably because we didn't talk any more about it recently. it's hard to believe but when matt and i hang out we always manage to be distracted or busy to the point that we don't get a whole lot done. soon, though. soon.

i'm planning to start my first knitted diaper-cover this week in between a caterpillar toy (shower gift), mitts for matt, and a cabled purse i am working on... so i hope it comes out nice and usable. it would be fan-freakin-tastic to be able to knit my diaper covers for just the cost of yarn--about $7 a pop. we'll see.

and... my friend from work who is pregnant went into the hospital today because she was having contractions 6 weeks early... we all hope it's just braxton-hicks, but nobody knows yet. *crosses fingers*

*note to self: this is being written for your benefit later, when you have forgotten what it's like to be carrying a healthy, kicking baby in your body. for when doubt and other people are creeping in and making you question yourself. the 'you' who wrote this has no doubts and knows what she is talking about--trust me. trust yourself.*

i do hereby pledge to myself that my next pregnancy will be managed without any type of traditional prenatal care. i do not need testing, monitoring, evaluation, judgment, approval, or oversight in order to successfully nurture and birth a child.

i pledge to register with a care provider for purposes of proof-of-pregnancy and to maintain a relationship to obtain assistance in the case of an emergency or problem, but i do not intend to make monthly, weekly, or other regular appointments except in the case of genuine self-arising concern for the health of myself or my baby.

i pledge to have an all-natural home birth with minimal to no assistance other than what can be provided by my husband and/or immediate family members, unless an emergency arises.

i trust my body, my baby, and my ability to birth, and that is all i need.

i had my 24-week checkup on tuesday morning and as usual, it was pointless... pee in a cup, weigh yourself, any questions? ok bye! see you next time! *rolls eyes* only next time they want to do the glucose test and give me more rhogam... i refused the glucose test because i genuinely think it's stupid (in my case) and i am seriously, seriously considering refusing the rhogam too.

i just read on the rhophylac website--they manufacture the drug being pushed on us--that "Rh-negative mothers have a 1%–2% risk of being sensitized during the last trimester of pregnancy." please! compared to the possibility, however slight, of damaging the immune system of the baby, it's not worth it. i have decided i will let them test me for antibodies, and if i am not sensitized i am not getting the shot. i had the one at 12 weeks after i bled, so there is no reason i should be sensitized even if the baby's blood DID mix with mine during the bleed. i am also going to ask them to test matt's blood type so that we can stop fussing altogether if he is also Rh-. maybe after birth i will get it, depending on what happens...

but anyway, so the midwives have been hounding me since october to go "get a letter" from my hematologist proving that he actually doesn't want me on blood-thinners... so finally yesterday i went. i had to wait almost 3 hours to see him, which really sucked, but in the end it was totally worth it! he is seriously the best, most reasonable, intelligent doctor i have ever seen. he remembered me, first of all, and to my great relief repeated exactly what he had said the last time, essentially: "in your case there is no reason to think you should be on heparin." i had prepared a letter for him to sign to that effect--and not only did he sign it, but he did one better! he wrote a note specifically stating that he feels the risk of being on blood thinners is greater than the benefits in my case. wait for it... ... I TOLD YOU SO! take that, cowards! *doing the victory dance*

yes, i am really happy about this. finally, logic prevails over paranoid OBs. i could have hugged him.

another fun part of the visit was his little evolutionary history speech given for the benefit of the med student observing us... he tells the story of the origin of factor v leiden something like this:

'FVL originated from a single mutation in a single person sometime in prehistory and in scandanavia/northern europe, when and where people's diets were primarily meat-based due to long winter seasons. this single mutation, which essentially allows the body to preserve (via excessive clotting) valuable iron and blood proteins during injury or childbirth, was so important to the survival of these people that it was inherited and spread to at least 15% of the regional population from just one instance of mutation. to classify it as a "problem" is not entirely fair, since its very inheritance was a survival advantage to those who had it. yes, sometimes people would die from complications related to having clotty blood, but that happened to only a very small percentage of the carriers. nowadays a person with FVL has a 1 in 10,000 chance of developing a blood clot over a lifetime; pregnant women with FVL have the increased risk of 2 in 10,000, provided they have never had a problem with it before. 2 in 10,000 is not something to fret over.'

by the end of his speech the med student was laughing and nodding, understanding another tiny piece of the fear-biases present in the medical community. you can't learn if you don't question; and sometimes when you do, everything you thought you knew needs to be taken with a grain of salt.

when i left he asked me not to name my daughter Leiden, but to take her there someday. i said i hoped to :)

WEIRD. i was just reading over the last few posts and when i got to the most recent "dream" post it made me remember last night's dream, which was almost the same!

i dreamed that her whole body was visible in the same way as before, because she was pushing against my very-thin skin. we could see all of her, including her facial features. now i don't remember them but in the dream it was so cool! i could get my hands almost all the way around her, she was out so far...

woooowooo check out that watermelon! i swear i don't really feel THAT big...

good news though, we have been talking about names and i think we are making progress. matt really dislikes 'lily'--sigh--but now that i know why i am more ok with it. he feels that it is too soft, kinda weak, and way too feminine and lacking spunk; he wants her to have a "powerful" name, which i can understand though i'm not completely sure what his definition of that is. to me soft can be strong too, but he's a boy so maybe he is confusing strong with powerful. he's also a big fan of androgynous names, which i am open to, but not totally excited about. he liked river. we both liked ivy (his suggestion). so we are inching closer... i feel better knowing that he's thinking about it and wants to participate actively instead of just tossing around veto power. haha.

:)

ok. i was just about to post that i didn't feel her moving in the usual way last night (she is really active between 830-10pm like clockwork) and that i'm going to give it until this afternoon before i call the birth center to ask if i should be worried...

and just this minute she starting giving me really faint thumps. still not like usual, but at least she is moving. if i don't feel something significant today, or if tonight's playtime is absent, i am going to listen to my paranoia.

it's so annoying to be on both sides of the fence... i really do *know* everything is going to be fine with this pregnancy, and yet i let myself worry anyway. blah. maybe i should spend that worry energy asking her to move around more instead.

yesterday traci pointed out that i haven't been talking about birth much lately (i am usually tirelessly blabbing about it), and it started me thinking about why that might be. i suspect it's because i feel an impending decision coming, and one that is not in my control. i have my 24 week appt next tuesday, so we'll see what happens then.

also i have been caught up with other stuff that is distracting me. we might be moving to 5 acres in high springs soon, so i've had a lot to think about! :) more details later when i know more.

just in case anyone actually reads this blog, and then decides (as others have) that it's

"boring and pretentious"

i thought i ought to remind you on record that this is my pregnancy journal-- i'm writing for me, not you--so don't read it if you don't like it. or at least, don't complain to me about it. one click will take you someplace else. the internet is cool like that.

so the room is 99% done--last things to do are put flowers on the tree and stain the bookshelves (which i already screwed into the walls, of course).

check it out, it's kinda ghetto but it IS a baby's room after all...

made from brown craft paper, plastic ficus leaves, feather butterflies, a bark birdhouse, and a couple of mushroom birds. silk apple blossoms to be added.

and this is the kitty toy i knitted on saturday:

i forgot, i had a dream about her last night.

of course the dream was long, complicated, and mostly nonsense but what i remember vividly is seeing her push her face against my skin, which was thin like silk so that i could see all her features totally clearly. i remember yelling to matt "look! you can see her!" and then it was as if she came through my skin, because i felt like i was holding her and looking at her and i kept thinking how she had matt's nose and she looked a lot like him, with more definitive features than any baby actually ever has. we were really amazed for a while and then she sunk back into my belly and the dream went on. it was pretty cool though.

before i went to bed i was lying down watching her kick my belly--sometimes i can see it bubble up if she's being forceful--and i think it made me dream about that.

ah, back from the holidays. i kept meaning to post and then never had time...

nothing much is new, i'm uber-rotund these days, i think my ankles are fatter than usual, and i feel like there is a squirrel bouncing around in my belly 24/7. she's really active, and not very subtle about it! matt finally got to feel a few kicks the other night... it was cute. she pummeled his hand almost as soon as i put it on my belly.

i've been productive, though! over the break me and lauren knitted a little birdy mobile from start to finish, and the next night i knitted a stuffed cat toy too. it was much easier than i imagined it would be, so i'm pretty inspired to make more toys now. i have a baby shower to attend in february for which i am planning to knit a little caterpillar plush toy.

the birdy closeup:



the mobile:
awww. i love it. i'll take a pic of the kitty and post it later too.

we still don't have a name--i plan to have a decision on that over the weekend if not sooner. i need to think of her with a name as the last trimester approaches swiftly...

oh and i experimented with 'birth art' because i'm reading this awesome book (birthing from within) and the author is all gung-ho about birth art... i drew a big picture of "labor" and learned a few things about myself after analyzing it. the book rocks, so i look forward to more creative outlets and new ways of thinking about birth and pregnancy. woot.