september mama

ok seriously, she loves this thing. she squeals and talks to it and bats at the dangly bits for a good 30 minutes before she gets tired of it. i am so sorry i didn't realize her boredom sooner, though i'm telling myself she just didn't want toys before. whatever, i know better for next time! i'm just glad she is enjoying it, as it makes our day that much more fun.

after seeing how much she interacted with it, i pulled out a crinkly/noisy cloth book to read her, which she gleefully grabbed and played with, and then we read some regular books which she also tried to take out of my hands and turn the pages of. it's like a new reality just appeared and everything is interesting to her... so neat. babies are highly entertaining...

the past couple of days have been hell around nap time, and even bedtime, shockingly. i don't know what crawled up rowans butt, but naps ain't happening. she has always been pretty good with them; i.e., she gets tired and falls asleep nursing, i put her in the crib, she naps from 30min-2 hours depending. usually twice a day. lately things go south at step two and end with her screaming until i take her out and say "ok, no nap." she might've gotten 1 or 2 in there recently but not long ones and not worth remembering. bedtime the past two nights has been similar, though we're still getting her to sleep before 8pm... tonight she magically went right out with no fussing (as is her usual manner, the angel) so i'm hoping that at least is over, but we'll see. i don't know if she's having a growth spurt or starting teething or what, but as of tomorrow we institute structured nap time to see if that helps!

as i was explaining/complaining about all this to my mom on the phone, she asked whether i thought it would help to try giving rowan cereal, and for the first time i really pondered the question and came up with a surprising (and slightly distressing) response: why? why on earth would anybody give a baby processed, nutritionally-useless starch rice-product? as one clever poster on a random forum said "it's sweetened wallpaper paste with a vitamin pill mixed in."

this distresses me because i recently suggested it to a friend with a 6 month old who won't sleep through the night--the age-old remedy, give 'em cereal. it worked--and now i regret it as i strongly question the wisdom of taking up stomach space meant for breastmilk with an empty filler akin to soy protein in dog food or "earthworms in the hamburgers." i wish i had kept my damned mouth shut! all i can do is hope the poor kid doesn't suffer from my stupidity... i was just trying to help his mama.

from msnbc, of all mainstream sources:

Dr. David Ludwig of Children's Hospital Boston, a specialist in pediatric nutrition, says some studies suggest rice and other highly processed grain cereals actually could be among the worst foods for infants.

"These foods are in a certain sense no different from adding sugar to formula. They digest very rapidly in the body into sugar, raising blood sugar and insulin levels" and could contribute to later health problems, including obesity, he says.

*sigh*

and if that wasn't bad enough, i, ex-vegan turned...something vegetarianish...have decided that the first food(s) rowan should have are homegrown egg yolks and pureed rabbit from our backyard 'herd.' horrifying, i know. but the fact is meat IS more nutritious than any cereal i could give her, and knowing exactly where it came from and what it ate and how humanely it was cared for and slaughtered, i feel ok with that. of course i am going to give her good things like avocados, sweet potatoes, and plenty of coconut meat and oil as well, but i think rabbit will be her first food. (there is scientific basis for introducing meats first.) interestingly enough, the only real "risk" of feeding anyone too much rabbit is the fact that it is so lean. you can die from only eating rabbit if you have no other source of fat in your diet. good thing breastmilk is so rich in the stuff!

so anyway, i'm thinking about solids now. rowan is 14 weeks, she can't sit up all by herself yet and i think she still does that extrusion thing with her tongue, so we've got a little while... but i'm thinking ahead. i have been giving her tastes of things, like watermelon, peaches, maple syrup... but just touching her tongue with it. the peaches were frozen though, so that was pretty funny. she was very confused by the coldness of it and couldn't decide if she liked it or not. here is a list of things i want to make for her when the time comes:

- rabbit pate (with livers, maybe some chicken too if mel+james continue to eat their roosters)
- avocado, bananas, carrots, etc, as is or steamed and mashed (i cannot wait to see what she looks like after eating mashed beets, rofl)
- boiled fruit purees
- fermented sweet potatoes
- breastmilk custard/pudding
- breastmilk yogurt

naturally i do not intend to buy jars of baby food at the store, because i'm stubborn like that. i also have no problem taking whatever we're eating and mashing it up for her, nor do i agree that babies shouldn't have spices or natural salt (sugar, eh, i don't know). babies in india eat curry, babies in mexico eat jalapenos, right? american babies get fed boring, tasteless crap! i'm going to save her from that snoozefest.

i noticed all of a sudden the other day that she seemed bored... like out of nowhere, i got the sense that the fussing and wanting to nurse she was doing was purely because she had nothing more interesting to do. at that moment i realized i didn't have anything interesting or stimulating for her (other than dancing around, singing, or reading books, which we'd already done that day). parenting crisis ensued, and i rushed to craigslist to see what was out there in terms of baby-entertaining devices. a few hits, but i had trouble deciding and contacting anybody, so as of right now i think i am picking up a walker tomorrow.* in the meantime, however, i was frantic and found myself at walmart using up a gift card we were given on buying an exersaucer/jumper hybrid thing. the seat swivels 360deg and the platform underneath is a bouncey thing but can be stabilized with books underneath it. the only problem is that she is really too small for it! i stacked books up so high the platform is almost popping off its holders and stuffed her in there with blankets to support her, and she's still a little wobbly. it's cute though, and she seemed to like it a good bit. definitely got her attention with the dangly toys :). i hate to buy cheap chinese plastic crap--especially new--but i was desperate and it fit on my gift card.

so it's late and i'm tired and need to pump, but i have more to say... photos, parenting forums, and something off-topic that i can't remember right now. i'll get to it later.


*yes, i said a walker. yes, i know they are "bad" nowadays. i'm annoyed as can be that the main reason that walkers are considered a no-no is that since they started making them "safer" (i.e., bigger, heavier, and generally less baby-friendly) they obscure baby's view of her feet and thus her connection to the fact that her feet are causing her to move... she doesn't get the spatial learning that would otherwise come from seeing how her body interacts with the floor. hence the delays in motor development--which dissipate upon beginning to walk, by the way. so anyway i'm forced to buy a newfangled piece of crap that may or may not impede her reaching the crawling stage, but the fact is i think she wants to move around. so we'll see--i just have to make sure she gets enough tummy time to counterbalance it. except she hates tummy time.

with everything in a huff over H1N1* and with rowan being "of age" for vaccines, they have been on my mind a lot lately. needless to say, we will not be taking any flu shots of ANY kind this year, or ever. but i digress; i do not want to rant or seem like the crackhead i may well be, in this post at least. ha.

i'm keeping a running list on sites where we can find info on vaccines from both sides of the story.

i'll put the newest on top, and barring a change of heart later, will not organize them otherwise.

vaccines' dark inferno: what isn't on the insert label

swine flu vaccine may be linked to neurological disorder

whale.to, vaccination **

the vaccine page (balanced, both sides info available)

informed choice (ingredients)

national vaccine information center

CDC, vaccine safety

institute of vaccine safety

vaccination liberation information (ingredients)

national vaccine injury compensation program

the polio vaccine: a critical assessment of its arcane history, efficacy, and long-term health-related consequences


*yes, naturally i think there is MUCH more to this story than "oops, the pigs somehow got bird flu and now it jumped to humans!" much more. start here, and then ask yourself how the hell they can carry out safety studies in august for a vaccine they will be able to mass produce and distribute worldwide by october... and why there are urban military exercises being carried out in cities all across the US, and why the pentagon is trying so hard to get permission to activate branches of the military "in case of an emergency...?" imagine this highly improbable, but not impossible, scenario: first, whip the population into a frenzy of fear over a very common illness with so many strains that are indistinguishable outside of laboratory confirmation, so everyone with a sniffle fears for their life. next, and this is the easy part--convince them it was a natural mutation of the common virus. then swoop in and assure them that you have it under control and the corps are "working around the clock" to produce a vaccine for this "natural" illness, and promise to have it ready just in time to save them (nevermind that anyone with half a brain would realize you cannot react to a natural virus mutation that quickly). in reality, you already have the "vaccine" waiting, with a small percentage of doses containing live, infectious virus. next, administer the shots to the wiling and eager, and watch the 'pandemic' finally live up to its name--and since you've been acting like it was already a real problem, the sheep are primed to expect it and will not question the rapid spread or wonder about the timing--infecting more people to the point that the vaccines are now declared mandatory. in comes martial law, forced inoculation (or infection, if you are an unlucky one), and the virus continues to spread.

obviously the goal here is population control, no question. why? any number of reasons. but i'm not evil, so i'm not privy to their logic, i just follow the path of my own when i see things looking fishy.

or maybe i'm just paranoid. but that doesn't mean they're not after me (or you).

**whale.to has a lot of really great info on health-related stuff. fascinating reading in most cases.

oh yeah, one more thing: last night i dreamed of baby #2.

rowan was there, she was lying on her side drinking a bottle, and i had a squishyfaced little girl in a receiving blanket and i was showing her to my now-deceased grandmother who was telling me she didn't even know i had been pregnant again. the baby had dark hair, and quite a bit more than rowan was born with. she was also pinker than rowan's perfect whiteness, and shorter, though not as slender. i think her eyes were dark.

the confusing part was that i was telling my grandmother the baby's name was rowan, even as i knew that wasn't right while i said it.

anyway, there it was. the first dream of a future baby (which i am so arrogantly sure will be a girl--i can't wait to be knocked off that high horse)!

before i got pregnant, my hair was growing pretty fast and shedding less than usual (since switching to shampoo bars and a wooden comb). my nails were ok, and my skin was clear 90% of the time.

during pregancy, my hair started growing faster, my skin was perfect and pretty, and my nails grew like weeds (which was annoying). also i basically stopped shedding hair.

since having rowan, my skin is a MESS! it's awful, and it's stressing me out. my hair has kept growing fast from what i can tell--it's really long, just above my butt--and still wasn't shedding. and my nails are still growing fast.

but yesterday i henna'd, and when i combed it afterwards i noticed i had started shedding again; 3 months on the dot. now comes the fear that i will have issues with postpartum hair loss... apparently the amount of hair loss is related to the stressfulness of the birth, in which case, i'm f*cked. royally.

i can only hope genetics comes in to play because i know my mom didn't lose enough hair to even notice, so maybe i'll be ok. i shed a lot normally anyway, and the hairball i was left with yesterday was smaller even than usual, but still. i worry. i have two friends who lost about 1/2 their volume after birth, and one of them is only getting back now, after 5 years. considering i am growing my hair to maintain around my hips, having it be super-thin is not really an option!

as for rowan, her little bald spot around the back is trying to fill in but i think rubbing on the crib is thwarting it a bit. it looks like she will be a strawberry blonde like me, at least for a few years. and i don't think her eyes are changing either. it's weird how strongly the blonde/blue eyes must have come through me--i would never have guessed that, considering her daddy's chocolate eyes and dark hair. and we have no blondes in the second generation back...

her baby acne is all cleared up (yay!) and the cradle cap seems to be done too. her little nails grow super fast too, and they are not easy to cut! but the way she rubs her face and whatnot it has to be done.

i wanted to post more about child spacing (i found an interesting--opinionated--article about it) but it's nap time and i'm not feeling inspired enough just now. it's on the way, though.

things have really normalized for us now, which i guess isn't surprising considering rowan is 3 months old today! geez. time flies...

everything is great, she's down to one feeding per night, she's happy--laughing--and babbling, finally outgrowing some of those newborn clothes, and putting on a little fat. work is totally no big deal and my mom is really enjoying having time with her, which is nice. she doesn't seem to mind my absence either.

we didn't get her vaccinated at her 2 month appt, which was kind of a big deal to the doc, the intern, and the random third authority figure in the room against me at the appointment, but whatever. they were trying to intimidate me but that doesn't usually work on me for one thing, and for another, i know what's in those things! and contrary to what i am sure they are used to, i HAVE read all about the vaccines and their respective diseases. nonetheless, i was sent home with lots of scary reading material and given numerous subtle reminders that i'm risking the entire "herd immunity" by not vaccinating her, etc etc... but i stood strong and said "maybe later, not now." yes, i was equivocating, but screw them. it is not a decision taken lightly, trust me--i just can't do it to her. but i imagine this conversation with myself (and matt, and maybe even rowan) will continue for the next few years, as i can't bring myself to say 'never' even though that's how i feel right now. blah.

i'm doing pretty well too, i think i've finally lost a few pounds(?) but i'm having a boob issue that kind of sucks a lot. i decided to go ahead and use the estrace cream one day, so i put a tiny bit down there where i needed it, and then read on drugs.com that it's totally contraindicated for breastfeeding, of course. so that was the only time i've used it... but the next day one of my boobs was really sore/tender, and since that was listed as a potential side effect, i brushed it off. but it really hurt to nurse, and kept up for about 36 hours when suddenly everything was normal again. i assumed it was the cream. but now it's happening again, same side, same sensation--there is no heat, redness, or obvious lump so i really didn't think it was a plugged duct, but i'm thinking that must be what it is. it HURTS. even when i'm not nursing, but moreso then (of course the best way to cure it is to nurse a lot and pump constantly until the block is cleared). all i can guess is that it's from rowan sleeping so long at night and the boob not draining regularly as a result. the thing is, the other side is the one that is prone to overfilling; my left breast has been operated on and produces about half as much as the right because apparently the surgeon had no regard for my future lactational abilities and just cut through whatever was in there when he removed the lump (this was when i was 19). so i'm wondering if maybe the scar tissue in there is partially the cause of the blockage...? anyway, it hurts and i want it to go away! the last time it was over pretty quickly on its own, but i'm going to try soaking it in hot water tonight because i'm tired of it.

speaking of tonight, matt's dad and stepmom are coming up. we've made a huge leg of lamb, some twice baked potatoes, veggies, and homemade pudding with timbales to impress them, lol. (of course since i don't eat land critters i'll be having fish instead.) i hope it turns out ok!

the next day:

ok dinner was great, my homemade pudding rocked, and now i know how to make funnel cake which was so tasty. my boob issue is 95% better too, after much nursing and manual expression.

"nana and pops," as they call themselves, wore rowan out this morning! she played and laughed with them for about an hour and half before crashing hard for a nap... i think we are going to visit matt at work later on, hopefully after lunch out somewhere :).

but back to the subject... about that paranoia re: getting pregnant from carelessness; apparently matt told our friends that he's 'trying to get [me] knocked up again.'

omfgwtf?!

you'd think he would've mentioned that to me first, but no. at least now i know why he doesn't seem to care about being safe... it's funny though, just the other night out of nowhere he said "so when do you want to have another baby?" and for whatever reason i didn't find that strange or get suspicious (as i should have, matt doesn't ask things like that nonchalantly) and i just said "i dunno whenever you do i guess" and didn't even bother to dig deeper. which is so unlike me. but i guess i got my answer, albeit not from the horse's mouth. and now comes the part where we are both ridiculous: now that i know his little plan, and since i am not altogether opposed, i have to continue to seem oblivious and just let things happen. because if i bring it up, or let him know i know his intentions, the pressure is on and it could turn him off the whole idea for years to come. i guess this pushy little spirit hanging around will have her way whenever she is ready, since the biological door will be open.

the only downside is now i will have to take a pregnancy test every month since i have no idea when to expect my period. or when i might suddenly find myself pregnant again. ah, the joys of "natural family planning" ...or lack thereof.*

it's really nice to hear that matt has let go of the whole being-broke-sucks issue, though... he seems to have learned that there are more important things to care about than money. and he loves being a daddy :)



*i felt distinctly pms-like mood swing issues a few days ago, so i assumed i was either pregnant or getting my period... test said no baby, and so far no period either. weird.