september mama

man, i thought i was going to squeak by without them this time... but no, i had my first leg cramp last night. i've been feeling them coming on lately but somehow managed to stave off a true cramp until now. they hurt so bad!!

i'm also having trouble sleeping and i'm not sure why. i was up a lot last night, had sweating issues, and slept more lightly than usual. my dreams were also something to be reckoned with, but left me with a sense of relief and gratitude, which is unusual for me... emotional dreams usually mean i end up with residual anxiety or anger during the day. i dreamed that matt and i were not together yet, and i was sort of competing for his attentions with a few other girls (a la vh1 reality shows??), but i was really in love with him and i couldn't deal with the uncertainty. so i finally broke down and told him i was leaving unless he figured out whether he wanted me or not pronto, because i didn't want to watch him flirt with other people. he got really serious and sorry and informed me that we were already married with a child, i was pregnant with another, and he had no interest in the other girls. this was all 100% news to me and i basically just broke down hysterical with relief and a little bit of confusion, but all was well as i suddenly remembered we had a life together. then there was a part where he was upset that i had loved him and not found him sooner, as though he were saying he would've preferred to avoid his previous relationships if he could've. my response was that i didn't know him well enough, and i didn't know i would love him back then... all very strange and retrospective emotional overtones in this dream. i was just SO GLAD to hear him say we were already married. still am.

rowan and i went to poe springs yesterday with a friend and her also-one-year-old, which was fun. rowan had not been to the river yet. we're going again on friday to a more kid-friendly place and i am very excited about it. she's just inches away from walking on her own, so i really hope seeing these other kids doing it will spur her envy enough to make it happen, since i need her to be on her feet before this baby is born!

i think i am going on 25 weeks this friday, and little man is pretty active. still no name, though i brought it up last night so i hope matt is thinking hard too. only a few months left...

i Hate politics. i understand the arguments for why it's important to be into them, and to care, but i just cannot bring myself to believe in anyone who actively seeks power. they are ALL liars, period--and i won't support a system that acknowledges and accepts such a thing. nevermind the whole two-party problem... "lesser of two evils?" no thanks. anyway, i'm just saying this is not my usual genre of interest, but something caught my ear recently.

here in balmy, elderly, dumbass florida our governor did a really logical thing and now everyone hates him. there was a bill that would require women who want or need abortions to have ultrasounds first, and to pay for them out-of-pocket... and he vetoed it. (this is actually the second good veto he's spit out in the last few months; the other was about teachers' pay and tenure and was totally absurd.)

the idea is--and this has been stated publicly and officially--that women who want abortions should be forced to accept that there is a "baby" in there, and to really think about whether or not they want to go through with it. and because the state won't pay for abortion, they won't pay for the ultrasound for these pro-choice women, either. so... a woman having to make an incredibly difficult decision (maybe she has no choice, maybe she was raped, maybe she has a disease) now has to endure the fetus being thrust literally into her face so it can hurt worse. and she has to deal with the added cost of an ultrasound (normally about $150) on top of the already expensive (normally about $400) abortion itself. what the motherfucking fuck? judgmental assholes riding their high-horses trying to make life worse for those who are probably already having a hard time in one way or another, to choose abortions. even if the pregnancy itself is the only hardship in her life, that's bad enough! (and by the way, a first trimester ultrasound doesn't show much of a "baby" anyway, so it's apparent they are just doing it to inflict emotional trauma on these women.) there is even an organization (operation outcry, or something) composed of women who have had and regret abortions who support this thing! i feel for them personally, but i don't understand how they could support something this disgusting. they had a choice.

this bill pissed me off so much i can't even say it clearly. so, props to mr. crist for putting the smack down. he says he vetoed it because of the crap about forcing women to pay for something they don't want to do... of course now he is being derogatorily labeled 'pro-choice,' despite his decision seeming to be totally rational and unmotivated by political or personal agenda.

i really cannot abide by people forcing their views on others. don't even get me started on the gay marriage thing..!

"obsessed" is a term that i am intermittently accused of being. right now, in terms of knitting, it is appropriate.

i've got a thousand million infinity ideas of things to knit and only two hands and a few hours a day--it's so frustrating! and when i can't be knitting, i'm thinking of more things to knit. i've decided to start doing it as a(nother) side job, too, using etsy as my home base. our screenprints are doing well as usual, but i have so many great knitting ideas that i might as well be making money while i indulge my obsession :). the things i am interested in selling are all toy-type items, not scarves or hats. i get a lot more gratification from knitting a small thing quickly than i do from a larger, more elaborate piece no matter how gorgeous (not that i've ever finished anything elaborate and gorgeous...)

i finished a really neat little project the other day and i'm happy with how it came out, though i will be tweaking the pattern and making a modified version before i list any to sell.

right now i'm working on a mobile for my nephew kai, and then a really, really cute hat for the little belly guy (will post pics when it's done). all i want to do right now is knit... but rowan just woke up, so i guess i will go play with the munchkin *mock sigh*

i have an announcement to make:

i am sick of thinking about birth and pregnancy and babies.

i just want to finish being pregnant, knit a few things, have the baby and be done with it. i'm tired of blood pressure checks, urinalysis, vaginal exercises, breast concerns, birthing positions, vitamins, alcohol-free, and all the other shit that goes along with being a child-bearer! my world has been consumed with all of this since september 3, 2008. rowan is finally not a baby anymore and here i am, pregnant anyway.

don't get me wrong--yes i love birth, yes i am 'in it' with all my heart and will continue to pursue its mysteries either in career or hobby for the rest of my life, but for f*ck's sake i need a break! GAHHH!

i figure i am just feeling fussed-over and annoyed with it. this pregnancy is SO nonchalant that i expect everyone else to realize i don't need anything. i don't need to be monitored and i'm not interested in splurging my feelings to a maternity professional. i just want to be left alone; eventually the baby will come out and we'll go from there. it's not even that i don't want to be pregnant, per se, i just don't want all the fussing. (it's not even that anyone is really fussing, i just FEEL fussed-at by the fact that i have appointments and all the rest of it. i'm totally overreacting to nothing.) ((how many times can one use the word "fuss" in one paragraph?? apparently, many.))

at this point i am not even sure what i'm complaining about. o fickleness, pregnancy is thy name.

i just want some bloody sake.