more and more as things progress i get the feeling that i don't need or want anyone at this birth. i don't know if it's my own need to be left alone, a sense of overconfidence, or whether it might actually be the baby telling me in no uncertain terms that everything is fine and it would be safer that way. the feeling is so strong... and if it is the baby, i really do not want to express a lack of trust in it by going against my intuition.
it's the same feeling i started to get (so strongly) around the second hour of the waiting room in the ER the night i was bleeding... i freaked at first but after a while i knew it was ok, and i knew the baby was telling me so.
i just don't want to deal with managed care--even from well-meaning, compassionate midwives--if i don't have to. i mean, i know they are trained for things like resuscitation, but other than that, what else can they offer? part of this is that i fear offending them when i say, mid-labor, "stop touching me, stop talking, and leave me alone" and mean it. i already know i won't want them there.
so the question i have been earnestly asking myself lately is, as they put it so beautifully at empowered childbirth:
"Would you prefer a gentle birth and possibly a gentle death for a ... child? Or will you do *anything* to save your child?"
i am a strong believer in the idea that everything happens because it is supposed to happen, so i do realize that no matter what i do, the right thing will happen... and it keeps me from ever regretting choices i make... if the baby doesn't make it through the birth, i will know it was meant to be that way, hospital or not... but the thing that bothers me the most is wondering if i choose a managed birth and end up in the hospital with a c-section (or injured baby, or trouble bonding, or drug injections) for a stupid reason, will i regret that more than taking a chance at home, knowing how strong my intuition towards a safe homebirth is?
i don't know the answer to this. hospitals are really good at manipulating women into thinking "thank god, they saved my baby" even when the problem might never have arisen at home.
edit 12/17: i spoke to my dad last night, who is a retired fire rescue paramedic; turns out he is totally trained in neonatal resuscitation AND has delivered 3 or 4 babies in emergency situations. hmm... between him, my mom (2 natural births) and my doula (2 births of various kinds and several as a doula)... do i need anybody else? btw, the hospital is 3 minutes away from my house...
it's the same feeling i started to get (so strongly) around the second hour of the waiting room in the ER the night i was bleeding... i freaked at first but after a while i knew it was ok, and i knew the baby was telling me so.
i just don't want to deal with managed care--even from well-meaning, compassionate midwives--if i don't have to. i mean, i know they are trained for things like resuscitation, but other than that, what else can they offer? part of this is that i fear offending them when i say, mid-labor, "stop touching me, stop talking, and leave me alone" and mean it. i already know i won't want them there.
so the question i have been earnestly asking myself lately is, as they put it so beautifully at empowered childbirth:
"Would you prefer a gentle birth and possibly a gentle death for a ... child? Or will you do *anything* to save your child?"
i am a strong believer in the idea that everything happens because it is supposed to happen, so i do realize that no matter what i do, the right thing will happen... and it keeps me from ever regretting choices i make... if the baby doesn't make it through the birth, i will know it was meant to be that way, hospital or not... but the thing that bothers me the most is wondering if i choose a managed birth and end up in the hospital with a c-section (or injured baby, or trouble bonding, or drug injections) for a stupid reason, will i regret that more than taking a chance at home, knowing how strong my intuition towards a safe homebirth is?
i don't know the answer to this. hospitals are really good at manipulating women into thinking "thank god, they saved my baby" even when the problem might never have arisen at home.
edit 12/17: i spoke to my dad last night, who is a retired fire rescue paramedic; turns out he is totally trained in neonatal resuscitation AND has delivered 3 or 4 babies in emergency situations. hmm... between him, my mom (2 natural births) and my doula (2 births of various kinds and several as a doula)... do i need anybody else? btw, the hospital is 3 minutes away from my house...
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