*sigh*
i know i should be posting about the pregnancy, but all i can think about is rowan, lately. i have been rather unpleasantly emotional recently and i think i am mourning our loss of one-on-one time that is soon to come. i feel guilty for having another baby, in part, and in part i just really don't want it to end. i will miss being with just her and participating in every little thing that pops into her head. it makes me really sad that i know i will be only half-there for her basically from now on. it's not fair, it's too soon, I MISS HER ALREADY and i feel so bad for what i imagine is equivalent to abandoning her... this issue is overshadowing everything else for me at the moment. i know i am overreacting but there is a little bit of truth under there somewhere.
in addition, we've been trying out the toddler bed the last two nights, and to say that it has gone badly would be a massive understatement. she HATES it, and works herself into such a frenzy that even after i have given up and put her in the crib, she still cries hysterically for a good long while. i'm not sure what the issue is, as she loves the thing by all appearances... she plays on it, and pretends to sleep, and will lay there happily as long as it isn't bed or nap time. but the point is, i think i am giving up for now. she's obviously not ready and we are both upsetting ourselves for the last few weeks we have alone; over something stupid. yes, i want her to sleep in the toddler bed ASAP but not at the expense of happiness and additional stress in our lives. she's already going to have to deal with an interloper, so i'd rather just keep bedtime nice and easy and put the baby in the spare bedroom for a while later, if i have to. he'll be in our room for 2 months or so anyway... (i sound like i am being really defensive, and maybe i am... this is a sort of failure, i guess, because i am giving up after two days. but right now i just don't have the emotional endurance to let to her wail for any reason or any length of time.)
as for the pregnancy, i don't really know what to say. i'm in my "window" as of today. he's in there, squirmy, and presumably getting ready to move down soon. no, we have no name yet. it fucking sucks.
i'm a little... frustrated... with my midwife also, which isn't really her fault. i guess i expect others to listen and remember things as well i as do, but no one really ever does (save half-a-handful of really good friends over the years). when i explained that i didn't want her to bring an assistant unless she REALLY has to, we discussed having karen--madame doula--serve as assistant since i don't need a coach or advocate for myself with this birth. she was all about it. we specifically discussed who i didn't want to be her assistant--someone i work with and also don't know very well--and she was fine with that. but today, after not showing up to our visit (my fault for missing a "let's reschedule" phone message earlier in the week), she calls me and mentions she wants to bring the very person i didn't want to our next visit since she will be her likely assistant. i had to re-explain myself over the phone and now i feel like an ass because i couldn't phrase it right and i'm sure i sounded whiny. i just really thought i fully explained that i need to have NO OUTSIDERS at this birth. none. unless it's an emergency.
so... add that irritation/guilt/stress to my tears for rowan, and sprinkle it with a little matt-is-cranky-today, and you get a big pot of soupy, sniffly, pathetic rhiannon.
at least i got a nap today.
i know i should be posting about the pregnancy, but all i can think about is rowan, lately. i have been rather unpleasantly emotional recently and i think i am mourning our loss of one-on-one time that is soon to come. i feel guilty for having another baby, in part, and in part i just really don't want it to end. i will miss being with just her and participating in every little thing that pops into her head. it makes me really sad that i know i will be only half-there for her basically from now on. it's not fair, it's too soon, I MISS HER ALREADY and i feel so bad for what i imagine is equivalent to abandoning her... this issue is overshadowing everything else for me at the moment. i know i am overreacting but there is a little bit of truth under there somewhere.
in addition, we've been trying out the toddler bed the last two nights, and to say that it has gone badly would be a massive understatement. she HATES it, and works herself into such a frenzy that even after i have given up and put her in the crib, she still cries hysterically for a good long while. i'm not sure what the issue is, as she loves the thing by all appearances... she plays on it, and pretends to sleep, and will lay there happily as long as it isn't bed or nap time. but the point is, i think i am giving up for now. she's obviously not ready and we are both upsetting ourselves for the last few weeks we have alone; over something stupid. yes, i want her to sleep in the toddler bed ASAP but not at the expense of happiness and additional stress in our lives. she's already going to have to deal with an interloper, so i'd rather just keep bedtime nice and easy and put the baby in the spare bedroom for a while later, if i have to. he'll be in our room for 2 months or so anyway... (i sound like i am being really defensive, and maybe i am... this is a sort of failure, i guess, because i am giving up after two days. but right now i just don't have the emotional endurance to let to her wail for any reason or any length of time.)
as for the pregnancy, i don't really know what to say. i'm in my "window" as of today. he's in there, squirmy, and presumably getting ready to move down soon. no, we have no name yet. it fucking sucks.
i'm a little... frustrated... with my midwife also, which isn't really her fault. i guess i expect others to listen and remember things as well i as do, but no one really ever does (save half-a-handful of really good friends over the years). when i explained that i didn't want her to bring an assistant unless she REALLY has to, we discussed having karen--madame doula--serve as assistant since i don't need a coach or advocate for myself with this birth. she was all about it. we specifically discussed who i didn't want to be her assistant--someone i work with and also don't know very well--and she was fine with that. but today, after not showing up to our visit (my fault for missing a "let's reschedule" phone message earlier in the week), she calls me and mentions she wants to bring the very person i didn't want to our next visit since she will be her likely assistant. i had to re-explain myself over the phone and now i feel like an ass because i couldn't phrase it right and i'm sure i sounded whiny. i just really thought i fully explained that i need to have NO OUTSIDERS at this birth. none. unless it's an emergency.
so... add that irritation/guilt/stress to my tears for rowan, and sprinkle it with a little matt-is-cranky-today, and you get a big pot of soupy, sniffly, pathetic rhiannon.
at least i got a nap today.
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