a whirlwind of things just happened and i don't know where they left me.
i made the mistake of not talking to matt about my feelings regarding the birth center, and so just a little while ago when he called me asking why i didn't need a ride home, i explained that i was going to an appointment at 1pm... he got pretty upset, unable to understand why i would want to switch care providers at 7 months pregnant, and felt i was being crazy and not accepting the "facts of life" (that most women have random people deliver their babies). i tried to explain that i was just going to talk to them, not necessarily switch, but he just didn't understand. i think the primary problem was that he was hurt i hadn't already mentioned anything to him, and just went ahead without hearing his opinion.
not 5 minutes after we hung up, the women called me to say that they can't meet me today because they have births happening. it felt like a sign.
now i am feeling regret (for not talking to matt in the first place), frustration (for him not understanding my position), and confusion (that maybe it IS a sign).
and i am seriously questioning myself re: is it really a big deal to just stick with the birth center? am i making a fuss over nothing? are my vague feelings inflating themselves out of proportion?
it is SO HARD to get a good sense of the rationality of my feelings, being pregnant. i'm really starting to think maybe i have been overreacting...
the reality is that matt and karen will be in the room with me during birth (and maybe my mom, i can't decide). isn't that enough? i probably won't even be aware of what the midwives are doing or not doing to me, let alone caring whether i know them or not. i'm trying to imagine birth from a normal-consciousness perspective and it's beginning to seem really absurd... i probably won't care about ANYthing except getting the baby out. so wtf?
it's all very confusing. i may just leave well enough alone and deal with the situation i've created for myself. that'll teach me not to choose my authority figures without weighing all the options better while i'm still able to think like a normal person.
bah!
i made the mistake of not talking to matt about my feelings regarding the birth center, and so just a little while ago when he called me asking why i didn't need a ride home, i explained that i was going to an appointment at 1pm... he got pretty upset, unable to understand why i would want to switch care providers at 7 months pregnant, and felt i was being crazy and not accepting the "facts of life" (that most women have random people deliver their babies). i tried to explain that i was just going to talk to them, not necessarily switch, but he just didn't understand. i think the primary problem was that he was hurt i hadn't already mentioned anything to him, and just went ahead without hearing his opinion.
not 5 minutes after we hung up, the women called me to say that they can't meet me today because they have births happening. it felt like a sign.
now i am feeling regret (for not talking to matt in the first place), frustration (for him not understanding my position), and confusion (that maybe it IS a sign).
and i am seriously questioning myself re: is it really a big deal to just stick with the birth center? am i making a fuss over nothing? are my vague feelings inflating themselves out of proportion?
it is SO HARD to get a good sense of the rationality of my feelings, being pregnant. i'm really starting to think maybe i have been overreacting...
the reality is that matt and karen will be in the room with me during birth (and maybe my mom, i can't decide). isn't that enough? i probably won't even be aware of what the midwives are doing or not doing to me, let alone caring whether i know them or not. i'm trying to imagine birth from a normal-consciousness perspective and it's beginning to seem really absurd... i probably won't care about ANYthing except getting the baby out. so wtf?
it's all very confusing. i may just leave well enough alone and deal with the situation i've created for myself. that'll teach me not to choose my authority figures without weighing all the options better while i'm still able to think like a normal person.
bah!
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