ok. at the risk of sounding crazy, delusional, or just plain pregnant, i have to document some things that have come to me as pretty clear signals of attempts at communication from this homunculus in my belly.
today i realized, in a moment of light-switch-bright clarity, exactly why i am pregnant right now. on july 31 i watched the aforementioned documentary "the business of being born" and it changed my life, literally. i didn't understand at the time, but i know now that if i had not watched it, i would not be pregnant right now. until then i had spent the past few years in an ambivalence about really committing to raising children; i wasn't sold on the idea, and frankly sometimes i hoped it never happened. other times i felt the opposite. i believe that my state of mind was the only thing "protecting" me from pregnancy all this time... because it certainly wasn't the prudent use of prophylactics! but something inside me changed dramatically the first time i watched the documentary, though i didn't understand it at the time--i felt a deep, strong connection to the women giving birth, i was drawn to their experiences in a way that birth had never interested me before--i had profound internal reactions to the ideas they were presenting, about the empowering nature of birth and so on--and i became fully opened to the idea of motherhood in an instant. about two weeks later i got pregnant.
previous to that experience, back in february or march, i was told by a psychic that i would have my first child "soon." while the news was exciting on a certain level, my anxiety and ambivalence remained because i just wasn't sure i was ready to deal with parenthood. what i found interesting after the psychic reading, though, was that i became aware of a distinct "small" presence that felt somehow connected to me all the time... i started feeling warm lovey impressions of what felt like a male energy around me, and a smaller, lighter background presence that was very feminine. i carried them around contentedly but didn't pay all that much attention, because after a while they seemed to fade. what i find interesting now is that my impressions are totally unclear about the possible gender of this baby. i "feel" girlyness but that might just be me sticking my hopes in there... i wonder if the 'babies' i felt are having their chance now or if they moved on when i wasn't ready before?
also, about 4 days after i found out about this pregnancy, i was sitting at work doing what i do when out of nowhere i became aware of what seemed like an outside thought or suggestion popping into my head: i suddenly visualized very clearly and solidly an iridescent pearl-like sphere materializing around my womb and the baby... it was whitish but shimmering with colors like an opal or moonstone or something, and anytime negative energy or thoughts or anything touched the surface, that spot would flash into diamond mirror-reflective brightness and deflect the badness like a tennis racket hitting a well-served ball. it was so vivid a visualization, and it has stayed with me. the baby made its own shield with no help from me, and a damn good one, too. i do what i can to remind myself that it's there and to add my intention to its power, but it wasn't of my making and i suspect it doesn't need my help! i think i had a dream related to it, also, but i'm not totally sure... it was actually a nightmare in which i was holding a door closed against beings that were trying to get in, and i was afraid of them, but i new as long as i pushed hard enough on the door they couldn't overpower me. i woke up afraid, but still glad they didn't get in. (on thinking about this as i write it, i wonder if it doesn't have more to do with me and the doctors... more on that next post.)
i had an interesting experience with the shield about an hour ago too, while sitting in the bath... i brought a rose quartz in there with me and laid it over my uterus and imagined the shield being energized by pink glowing light, and i watched it absorb and assimilate the love energy and "react" to it with a lot of green glow. i didn't suggest the green, it just came out of nowhere, but it was a lovely interplay between the two colors. i guess the baby likes green :). what i love about this though is that (as we all know) i am useless at shielding myself, so it is really fantastic to feel the baby taking care of itself, or me unconsciously overcoming my failure for its benefit. it's quite a relief to know i'm not walking around exposing another being to the crappy sponginess i allow myself to experience.
and lastly, i have taken to calling it "little bean" until we decide on a couple of names and/or learn the sex. well, bean has sent me at least two distinct emotional messages since i gave it a pseudonym! it's very exciting and i am going to do my best to stay as open as possible to hearing whatever it wants to share with me. my confidence in the viability and long-term outcome of this pregnancy is worlds greater than it was a few days ago. i think this little bean really wants to be born.
today i realized, in a moment of light-switch-bright clarity, exactly why i am pregnant right now. on july 31 i watched the aforementioned documentary "the business of being born" and it changed my life, literally. i didn't understand at the time, but i know now that if i had not watched it, i would not be pregnant right now. until then i had spent the past few years in an ambivalence about really committing to raising children; i wasn't sold on the idea, and frankly sometimes i hoped it never happened. other times i felt the opposite. i believe that my state of mind was the only thing "protecting" me from pregnancy all this time... because it certainly wasn't the prudent use of prophylactics! but something inside me changed dramatically the first time i watched the documentary, though i didn't understand it at the time--i felt a deep, strong connection to the women giving birth, i was drawn to their experiences in a way that birth had never interested me before--i had profound internal reactions to the ideas they were presenting, about the empowering nature of birth and so on--and i became fully opened to the idea of motherhood in an instant. about two weeks later i got pregnant.
previous to that experience, back in february or march, i was told by a psychic that i would have my first child "soon." while the news was exciting on a certain level, my anxiety and ambivalence remained because i just wasn't sure i was ready to deal with parenthood. what i found interesting after the psychic reading, though, was that i became aware of a distinct "small" presence that felt somehow connected to me all the time... i started feeling warm lovey impressions of what felt like a male energy around me, and a smaller, lighter background presence that was very feminine. i carried them around contentedly but didn't pay all that much attention, because after a while they seemed to fade. what i find interesting now is that my impressions are totally unclear about the possible gender of this baby. i "feel" girlyness but that might just be me sticking my hopes in there... i wonder if the 'babies' i felt are having their chance now or if they moved on when i wasn't ready before?
also, about 4 days after i found out about this pregnancy, i was sitting at work doing what i do when out of nowhere i became aware of what seemed like an outside thought or suggestion popping into my head: i suddenly visualized very clearly and solidly an iridescent pearl-like sphere materializing around my womb and the baby... it was whitish but shimmering with colors like an opal or moonstone or something, and anytime negative energy or thoughts or anything touched the surface, that spot would flash into diamond mirror-reflective brightness and deflect the badness like a tennis racket hitting a well-served ball. it was so vivid a visualization, and it has stayed with me. the baby made its own shield with no help from me, and a damn good one, too. i do what i can to remind myself that it's there and to add my intention to its power, but it wasn't of my making and i suspect it doesn't need my help! i think i had a dream related to it, also, but i'm not totally sure... it was actually a nightmare in which i was holding a door closed against beings that were trying to get in, and i was afraid of them, but i new as long as i pushed hard enough on the door they couldn't overpower me. i woke up afraid, but still glad they didn't get in. (on thinking about this as i write it, i wonder if it doesn't have more to do with me and the doctors... more on that next post.)
i had an interesting experience with the shield about an hour ago too, while sitting in the bath... i brought a rose quartz in there with me and laid it over my uterus and imagined the shield being energized by pink glowing light, and i watched it absorb and assimilate the love energy and "react" to it with a lot of green glow. i didn't suggest the green, it just came out of nowhere, but it was a lovely interplay between the two colors. i guess the baby likes green :). what i love about this though is that (as we all know) i am useless at shielding myself, so it is really fantastic to feel the baby taking care of itself, or me unconsciously overcoming my failure for its benefit. it's quite a relief to know i'm not walking around exposing another being to the crappy sponginess i allow myself to experience.
and lastly, i have taken to calling it "little bean" until we decide on a couple of names and/or learn the sex. well, bean has sent me at least two distinct emotional messages since i gave it a pseudonym! it's very exciting and i am going to do my best to stay as open as possible to hearing whatever it wants to share with me. my confidence in the viability and long-term outcome of this pregnancy is worlds greater than it was a few days ago. i think this little bean really wants to be born.
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