i just caught the title to this book and without knowing what angle it's speaking from, i have some thoughts.
i am sure i have complained here (if not i certainly have in person) that birth is SUPPOSED to be a rite of passage for mother, father, and baby... it is whether we like it or not! we go from individuals to a family, from autonomous beings to parents with dependents and dependence in the few hours it takes to birth a child. birth changes everything.
in our society, we act like it doesn't. sure, everyone knows that once you have a kid "everything changes;" i.e., you don't go out anymore, you don't have sex anymore, you're always broke, obsessed with babies and schedules and soccer and playgroups, blah blah blah... but those things are unimportant. they pale in comparison to the internal changes i can only speculate on from this pre-parental existence. we become different people after we have children. for mom, that actually happens physiologically via hormones, and for dad, well, has anyone even studied dad's hormonal changes after birth? probably not. but i would bet there are things worth looking into there. at any rate, his role has now transformed from lover/partner to lover/partner/protector/supporter, in most cases. speaking totally out of my ass (which apparently is where my intuition lives) there is a profound psychological difference in the way men view their family units pre- and post-children. i am sure of this.
my vision is to treat birth as the true rite of passage it is--to honor the death of an old life and the birth of a new one along with the birth of the child. the day is not just the child's birthday. it's the Mother's birthday (the day mother was born) and Father's birthday too. these birthdays happen whether we acknowledge them or not, and in my opinion, their significance causes subconscious imprinting regardless... and i think it much preferable to take control over the event, to at least participate in it with a sense of awareness of your own passage, rather than allow events wholly out of your control (or worse, beneath your notice) to mark the significance for you, even subconsciously. (here is where some nice research on "birth as a liminal state" would be appreciated. amazing that no such thesis exists on the internets that i can find.)
i am having trouble phrasing this clearly.
in our current model of standard obstetrical care, the idea that the rite of passage is performed whether we like it or not has critical consequences. the "rite" is simply 'what happens during' this transitional period being lived. for the average birthing family, this means:
- mom is disempowered by "authorities" who know best and "manage" her body so that birth is often literally out of her control. they will deliver the baby as if she is not the one in labor.
- dad is tolerated as a nuisance in the delivery room, if he isn't pressured to leave altogether, and made to feel helpless as these same "authorities"--often men--strip, fondle, examine, and otherwise violate his completely vulnerable wife... thus emasculating him (removing his ability to BE father/protector/husband) at the very moment of his greatest triumph as a male human.
- baby is cut away from its mothers body, usually before it has been allowed to benefit from the last of the placental blood (its only familiar lifeline), and handled, bathed, prodded, poked, and otherwise assaulted by complete strangers in latex in a frigid hospital room, on metal tables... separated from the only person and warmth it has ever known in its existence. separated often for an hour or longer. welcome to the world: it's a cruel, hard, place.
these are the rites we carry with us through the passage to our new lives. these are the things that imprint on us, that usher us into being as Mother, Father, Child. and most of us do it knowingly, we sign up for this doctor or that hospital, we've seen it on tv, we know what to expect--it's familiar, same story as every day. we were all born like this. but that doesn't make it ok. i really think it is a serious, profound problem that we do not try to be conscious, creating participants in such an important moment. i am not bashing hospitals, either, because this kind of metaphorical situation can and does happen just as easily with midwives, etc. i
even if YOU choose to give birth this way or that, you must always be on guard--or trust Father, empower him, to protect you and Child--because the reality is the "authorities" at your birth are always at risk of stealing the moment from you and putting you in a position of helplessness when you should be your most exalted. and your subconscious will remember that forever, even if you do not.
all i'm saying is that the way you birth--as Mother, Father, or Child--becomes your rite of passage whether you are aware of it or not. embrace it as what it is, and know that you hold the power to create its meaning for yourself. be empowered...
i am sure i have complained here (if not i certainly have in person) that birth is SUPPOSED to be a rite of passage for mother, father, and baby... it is whether we like it or not! we go from individuals to a family, from autonomous beings to parents with dependents and dependence in the few hours it takes to birth a child. birth changes everything.
in our society, we act like it doesn't. sure, everyone knows that once you have a kid "everything changes;" i.e., you don't go out anymore, you don't have sex anymore, you're always broke, obsessed with babies and schedules and soccer and playgroups, blah blah blah... but those things are unimportant. they pale in comparison to the internal changes i can only speculate on from this pre-parental existence. we become different people after we have children. for mom, that actually happens physiologically via hormones, and for dad, well, has anyone even studied dad's hormonal changes after birth? probably not. but i would bet there are things worth looking into there. at any rate, his role has now transformed from lover/partner to lover/partner/protector/supporter, in most cases. speaking totally out of my ass (which apparently is where my intuition lives) there is a profound psychological difference in the way men view their family units pre- and post-children. i am sure of this.
my vision is to treat birth as the true rite of passage it is--to honor the death of an old life and the birth of a new one along with the birth of the child. the day is not just the child's birthday. it's the Mother's birthday (the day mother was born) and Father's birthday too. these birthdays happen whether we acknowledge them or not, and in my opinion, their significance causes subconscious imprinting regardless... and i think it much preferable to take control over the event, to at least participate in it with a sense of awareness of your own passage, rather than allow events wholly out of your control (or worse, beneath your notice) to mark the significance for you, even subconsciously. (here is where some nice research on "birth as a liminal state" would be appreciated. amazing that no such thesis exists on the internets that i can find.)
i am having trouble phrasing this clearly.
in our current model of standard obstetrical care, the idea that the rite of passage is performed whether we like it or not has critical consequences. the "rite" is simply 'what happens during' this transitional period being lived. for the average birthing family, this means:
- mom is disempowered by "authorities" who know best and "manage" her body so that birth is often literally out of her control. they will deliver the baby as if she is not the one in labor.
- dad is tolerated as a nuisance in the delivery room, if he isn't pressured to leave altogether, and made to feel helpless as these same "authorities"--often men--strip, fondle, examine, and otherwise violate his completely vulnerable wife... thus emasculating him (removing his ability to BE father/protector/husband) at the very moment of his greatest triumph as a male human.
- baby is cut away from its mothers body, usually before it has been allowed to benefit from the last of the placental blood (its only familiar lifeline), and handled, bathed, prodded, poked, and otherwise assaulted by complete strangers in latex in a frigid hospital room, on metal tables... separated from the only person and warmth it has ever known in its existence. separated often for an hour or longer. welcome to the world: it's a cruel, hard, place.
these are the rites we carry with us through the passage to our new lives. these are the things that imprint on us, that usher us into being as Mother, Father, Child. and most of us do it knowingly, we sign up for this doctor or that hospital, we've seen it on tv, we know what to expect--it's familiar, same story as every day. we were all born like this. but that doesn't make it ok. i really think it is a serious, profound problem that we do not try to be conscious, creating participants in such an important moment. i am not bashing hospitals, either, because this kind of metaphorical situation can and does happen just as easily with midwives, etc. i
even if YOU choose to give birth this way or that, you must always be on guard--or trust Father, empower him, to protect you and Child--because the reality is the "authorities" at your birth are always at risk of stealing the moment from you and putting you in a position of helplessness when you should be your most exalted. and your subconscious will remember that forever, even if you do not.
all i'm saying is that the way you birth--as Mother, Father, or Child--becomes your rite of passage whether you are aware of it or not. embrace it as what it is, and know that you hold the power to create its meaning for yourself. be empowered...
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