HORMONES SUCK. i am a mess over standard daily life stuff that hasn't changed in years... but all of a sudden i'm losing it.
once, a few years back, i ate some mushrooms when i was home alone and found out pretty quickly that all the things i thought i was ok with in my life--normal stuff--were actually tragic failures and i found myself literally moments away from slitting my wrists. i actually called my mom to try to have her talk me down, since i knew i didn't really want to do it but i felt like there was no choice and i was fundamentally fucked up and would never sort things out. funny enough, instead of what i expected her to say, she basically said "well yeah, why do let things get like this?" and totally validated my despair. it was a bad day.
i kinda feel like that now. as if everything has totally spiraled out of my control while i wasn't paying attention and my world is lying in shambles around me. of course it's (mostly) not true, but it certainly FEELS that way.
i can tell (because i know myself and my body and its ways) that most of my problems are artificially exaggerated as a result of too many hormones in my body, but there is just enough truth to the frustration/sadness/anger/whatever that i also can't ignore it. just because my reaction to it is inflated doesn't mean it isn't really an issue. (tangent: i just thought "just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there" (radiohead) and wondered if that could be equally true.)
i'm not really sure how i am going to make it through today at work. i'm constantly fighting tears.
once, a few years back, i ate some mushrooms when i was home alone and found out pretty quickly that all the things i thought i was ok with in my life--normal stuff--were actually tragic failures and i found myself literally moments away from slitting my wrists. i actually called my mom to try to have her talk me down, since i knew i didn't really want to do it but i felt like there was no choice and i was fundamentally fucked up and would never sort things out. funny enough, instead of what i expected her to say, she basically said "well yeah, why do let things get like this?" and totally validated my despair. it was a bad day.
i kinda feel like that now. as if everything has totally spiraled out of my control while i wasn't paying attention and my world is lying in shambles around me. of course it's (mostly) not true, but it certainly FEELS that way.
i can tell (because i know myself and my body and its ways) that most of my problems are artificially exaggerated as a result of too many hormones in my body, but there is just enough truth to the frustration/sadness/anger/whatever that i also can't ignore it. just because my reaction to it is inflated doesn't mean it isn't really an issue. (tangent: i just thought "just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there" (radiohead) and wondered if that could be equally true.)
i'm not really sure how i am going to make it through today at work. i'm constantly fighting tears.
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