september mama

i read liam's birth story again yesterday and it struck me as very fact-oriented and missing some critical details that i am afraid i will not remember if i don't put them in writing now. so here is an alternative viewpoint on liam's birth, from the perspective of "we know the facts, now what was it really like?"

i remember labor with him being so short--it came on fast, got really intense (but always remained bearable), and once i was in the bath it was as if time just froze for me. i was warm, comfortable minus the contractions, which were, naturally, a force to reckon with, but i never felt like i couldn't do it. with rowan, i remember being in SO MUCH pain, and despite all the "slow dancing" and ball-rocking and open-mouthed O moaning i did, i was constantly on the verge of losing it. i wasn't within myself, as i have mentioned before. with liam's labor, i was relaxed. it had just gotten dark outside and was turning rainy, but i didn't notice... i was in the dark in my bathtub, riding waves of pain and rest, pain and rest. i don't have any recollection of one contraction being worse than another, except once (i'll get into that shortly). i do remember a period of feeling like i had slept--i had no sense of time throughout all this--and then feeling the contractions change and become productive... i felt pushing before my midwife, doula, or mother arrived, but i didn't tell anyone because i was confident that he would come out safely even if i had to do it alone. i had a sense of overwhelming calm and solidity all the way down into every part of me; i was ready for the birth on all levels of my being. i just sat back and let it happen, and i know the reason i was able to do that was because i was left alone... matt checked on me every few minutes, and i had no one else there to bother me, so i could just sit and have my experience without interruption.

when debbie (midwife) and karen (doula) finally arrived, debbie came in to say hello and i had two contractions blend into one such that i was moaning for about 2 minutes straight. she mentioned that wasn't "normal" and i explained it was her fault, at which point she nodded and left the room. she returned to light a few candles and very unobtrusively lay out her supplies on the floor; i didn't even notice her. she never asked to monitor me or do a check of any kind, and i owe her for the courtesy, as i believe it would have greatly impeded my progress to be messed-with like that. i started to feel genuine pushing not long after she arrived.

pushing was unlike anything else in this world--completely terrifying and out of control--and i can easily see why women like Ina May refer to birth in terms of becoming a tigress, or a wolf, or a monkey, or whatever your beast is. i felt like an animal, roaring, mindless, and feeling only the impossible urgency of NOW, of doing, of surviving this process. liam's head emerged ever so slightly and i regained some awareness of myself, enough to reach down and feel the incredibly soft, velvety wonder of his head (i will never forget the way that felt, the downy hair on his round little head drifting in the warm water...). that was the moment it became clear what all this was really about; my baby was coming to meet me and it was really happening. the birth was happening and i hadn't failed. i started to feel proud and strong and so looked forward to the completion of my victory over fear.

no one was speaking through all of this.

a few more 'pushes' during which all i could do was try not to split in half--i know he would have been blasted out, as they say in midwife circles, if i hadn't been breathing and intensely willing liam to slow down his exit. debbie quietly encouraged me to take control and then returned to silence. i felt him emerge further until his head was fully out, and debbie confirmed with me that i would catch him, but i needed to lay back to do so because his body was going to be born with the next push. i flopped back, and she was right: a contraction and he flowed out of me into the water, into my hands, accompanied by what i recall was a lot of yelling (but am i told i did no such thing).

debbie helped me get a better hold on him amongst the rush of relief and gratitude and disbelief that i did it, that it was over, that i had a baby and a homebirth and nobody bothered me... it was very dark but i remember his shocking whiteness, his squinting eyes, his impossibly, beautifully round head, and his quiet. i think he may even have been sleeping through the birth. i held him in the water with me to keep him warm, and i laughed and cried. i remember matt looking as much in disbelief as i felt. of course my mother was crying (partly from joy and partly from sorrow at missing the actual emergence) and karen was a quiet cheerleader of my triumph. liam was small and white and seemed as shocked as i was to see him, but he didn't cry until he was wrapped in a towel and given to matt while i tried to birth the placenta and exit the tub.

the three of us got in bed, and i remember feeling some intense burning/pain in the netherparts, but otherwise great, even normal. i still hadn't birthed the placenta, but i had liam and he was thinking about nursing. it took him a little while to go for it, but once he did he seemed content. the placenta came out, we all sat and talked and took liam's measurements, and eventually i had a shower, my mom and karen left, and debbie closed up shop to go home. i think matt and i were in bed, with liam next to us in the cradle, by 130am.

the next morning when rowan woke up, she was greeted with a new brother and has loved him without hesitation ever since. i am sure she cannot remember a time when he wasn't part of her life... it is hard for me, as well.

when the shock of liam's perfect birth finally wore off and i could start integrating it into my life experiences, some strange things happened. "birth" stopped being something that i obsess about. i am as interested in keeping it in my life as i was before, but i'm not on a soapbox anymore. i'm not feeling the need to rant and rave and hoist signs about it (though i gladly will should the occasion arise). it would seem that the total non-event normalness of giving birth the way i did has toned the whole subject down several notches, with a big added dose of peacefulness and contentment.

related to this was gaining the understanding that i will never get over rowan's birth. it doesn't hurt anymore (mostly probably because i have "proved" myself to myself; silly but true) but i was wrong to hope that liam's homebirth would somehow heal the trauma rowan and i went through. it didn't, and that's ok. it healed me in a profound metaphysical way, but nothing will ever lead me to "get over" her birth... it was awful and that's just the way it is. i am able to accept it for what it was and see it in a more objective way, but it will always be a scar even though the wound is no longer throbbing.

on a more mundane note, liam has strange diarrhea going on. for the past few days his normally sweet-smelling, sticky yellow curdled breastmilk poo is stinky, greenish, and so watery it soaks right into the diaper. wtf? i need to do some research... he seems fine otherwise and is eating/sleeping normally so i don't know what to think. as of last night we moved him out of our room--he's 6 weeks old--and into the spare bedroom to get ready for the move into rowan's room. i don't want him in there until he is sleeping through the night because i don't want him to wake her all night long. right now he's consistently going 3-hour stretches both for naps and for night sleeping. he's growing really fast so i can i only assume that explains the several night feedings..?

i am doing good with my "diet" which isn't--eating lots of oats, fruit, yogurt, and green juice. cutting out most meat since i don't really want it anymore, and avoiding breads. i should reduce my coffee intake but i just like it so much... and i've been doing that workout every other day too. i'm sure i'll lose just enough weight to gain it all back over thxgiving and xmas.

rowan is working on her 12th tooth and is saying everything i say to her. it's very cute. i'm really looking forward to xmas and seeing her excited over the lights and tree and parades and gifts. it should be so fun!

"uncle james" brought us 4 more hens yesterday as well, so we now have... 12?? chickens running around, but two of those will shortly be executed for the sheer fact that they are upstart roosters. matt is working on the barn but all we have is 4x4s in the ground so far. winter is coming...

well, something was definitely happening. we had a baby that night!

the facts:
i asked debbie to check me around 530pm and i was dilated to 3cm, and by about 630pm i was having contractions enough to make me pause and breathe while i made dinner. we ate, and by 730 i was in bed coping and trying to rest. i'm not sure how long i was there before i felt like i had better get in the tub, but labor was for real so i called debbie and we agreed she'd give it a little while and then leave (she lives over an hour away!)... and i got in the bath and never got back out again. matt called karen and my mom at some point, too, such that they all arrived at exactly the same time (i'm told it was 9:40pm).

by the time karen popped her head in the bathroom i was in or past transition and had had several "pushy" contractions. there was a definite period where i was falling asleep between them so i assume they spaced out and gave me a rest the way books always say it happens during transition. debbie came in to set up and then went back out for a little bit, and i'm not sure when but shortly after that i told karen to get matt because i was feeling the baby's head in my birth canal! i wasn't sure how fast it would all go, but i knew he needed to be there asap... after a few more pushy contractions i told them to let my mom in too, and then all of a sudden he was crowning. it felt like it took forever for that to end... it was intense... but as soon as his head was out the rest of him came on the next push. straight into the bath and up into my arms and it was over. he was born at 1042pm on september 29. 7lb 12oz.

my reflections:
first, debbie was the best midwife ever. i needed no help and she offered none save once; i was struggling to birth his head as slowly as i could--"pushing" is more like holding on for dear life--and she said "take control of it" and that was the only advice or intervention she gave me the entire time she was present. no blood pressure checks, no heart tone checks, no temperatures... she let me give birth without making herself important or necessary for any reason whatsoever. it was amazing.

as for the birth, i got exactly what i was too afraid to dare i could have... despite the onlookers (which is all they were, though matt being there meant more of course) i had an unassisted birth. no one spoke, no one intervened, and i labored alone in the dark in my bathtub the entire time, which was surprisingly short. i think there was an oil lamp and a few candles lit, actually, but it was basically the dark. debbie told me later it was as peaceful of a birth as she has ever seen, and that made me really happy. from my perspective it was thrashing and shouting, but apparently i didn't actually do what i imagined i was doing. i birthed his head leaning over the side of the tub on my knees, and once it was out i sort of flopped backwards to birth the rest of him and take him out of the water. my poor mom, finally allowed into the birth room, missed the birth because of a phone call. she went out to get something for debbie, the phone rang, and when she came back he was out. i think she was pretty upset about it, but i did my best to give her a chance at least.

(my train of thought is a little off b/c i've been writing this for 3 days)

i know that labor technically went from about 330-1042 but for me it was really only the last two to three hours that were "labor" which is so shocking to me since rowan's was a full 17 hours of excruciating contractions from start to finish (thank you very much, castor oil). it wasn't until yesterday, when i really started to process this amazingly perfect birth experience, that i realized just how fucked-the-fuck-up rowan's birth really was. i felt like i had been hit by a truck, beaten with 2x4s between my legs, deflated in the belly, and totally psychotically miserable for weeks after she was born. weeks. after this birth i was tired but normal... like, really, normal. i woke up the next day and was barely sore. i couldn't kegel for months after rowan, and bladder control was a really tough issue--this time, it's like nothing even happened. i am normal. i tore slightly but it was superficial enough to let alone, and it doesn't even hurt; there are some spots that burn when i pee though, so i know there are a few little splits or "skid marks" hiding down there. i'm dwelling on all this because i'm honestly having a really hard time accepting that THIS is what birth does to you: not much! it's not the terrible, traumatic, difficult trial we have all been lead to believe... or at least, it doesn't have to be. i am so totally myself it's almost scary. in the best way, of course.

i'm going to end this here because i have been writing for DAYS and not published yet; time is precious and i haven't had a whole lot of it. despite this, life is surprisingly unstressful and extremely pleasant... i'm really, really happy. rowan is taking it like an angel, too... she loves the baby and has displayed absolutely no signs of jealousy whatsoever. the darling.

anyway, he's calling me. more when i have time, including photos.

i haven't posted in a while because there was a half-written post i was sitting on--a whine/rant/freak-out about how everyone else was freaking out about the homebirth--that i have decided not to post after all. i'm over it and i don't want to talk about it. i have not wavered for a second over my decision and matt is supportive, and that's all that matters. everything else is speculation and possibility and that's where it should be left. we'll deal with what happens when it happens.

in the meantime, rowan has had her first shower and been to the beach. the shower surprised me because she loved it; i assumed the water spraying her head and face would be too much, but she played and yelled and had a great old time. very cute. the beach was a birthday party for two of her second cousins, and even with a 2.5 hour drive each way with a car full of my family (and infant nephew), and no nap, she was all smiles and silliness the whole day. she really really liked the sand and even the waves, amazingly. i guess her timidity is less than i have come to believe...

she also had a visit from "nana and pops" (matt's dad/wife) which was a lot of fun for her. they took us to blue springs and she squealed about all the kids diving from a platform into the frigid water. she learned to say "spider" thanks to pops. just what i need, little rowan pointing out every bloody spider she sees out here in the woods... *shudder* she's really working on her vocabulary lately and she is outgrowing shoes like it's nobody's business. size 5 as of two weeks ago and already getting tight! i can also clip her hair up into a little twisty-thing at the back, which is totally cute. matt says i need to cut her bangs but i'm not into the idea.

mr. nameless second baby is growing, too, and i am somewhat uncomfortable a lot of the time as a result. he's quite high and never changes position--just pokes his feet out my right side and punches down in my bladder--but the braxton-hicks are starting to suck now that he's nearly birthing size. there isn't much more room left for him. i look pretty weird though because i'm basically all belly and normal everywhere else. i had such a crappy time with rowan's pregnancy, but thankfully this time has been easy. the only thing that has really sucked the past few days is that i have been having some kind of reflux problem when i lay down... i'm never, ever hungry anymore because i think my stomach is completely compressed by his butt and feet (depending on the moment) and it would seem that my digestive system has basically stopped, because at 4pm today i was tasting breakfast. and when i lay down i feel nauseous and/or as if the contents of my stomach are pushing their way out-through-the-in-door. pretty gross and uncomfortable. but i still have no swelling, no arthritis, practically no leg cramps (i think i've had two actually present), no painful feet, and no general fatness. i'd even say the urinary... issues... of pregnancy are the same if not less than they were the first time; that surprises me. so if i dare to hope that the birth will reflect the 10-month journey, this might actually go pretty well.

i've got all my supplies on-hand (except a fish net, LOL)* and i was excited to be able to order three single bendable straws for $.05 each from the site where i got the stuff. so much nicer to say "hmm, i only need two adult diapers" rather than spending $15 on a package or buying a whole birth kit. i have so much stuff already that i only needed to order like $10 worth of supplies. they also sell fetoscopes and hemoglobin analyzers and things like that, for the unabirthers who want equipment.

so... my "window' commences on friday. yikes! but i guess until he drops i shouldn't be too worried. i still need to kick matt into fixing the cradle *growl* and probably clean 25 more times, but otherwise we're ready. i'd like to henna my hands and feet one of these days too. and pull some of the sandspurs out of the yard before they go to seed... and probably make a decision on what his name is going to be!! i think i have three finalists but two are untested and i'm really leaning towards #1. i guess i should post them, since i've been so secretive about the name thing thus far. possible names:
1) reid owen
2) lane matthew
3) cullen ?wood?
... not sure about the middle name on #3. i also like "flynn matthew" but flynn means red-faced and i don't want to curse him like that. and now matt just walked in and is talking with someone on the phone about names. time to pressure him :)

*if you don't know why a fish net is important for a home/water birth, you don't want to. if you do, you know why i am laughing. ah, bodily functions.

i have a home visit tomorrow, unexpectedly, which sort of amuses me. they're telling me left and right that i can't have a homebirth, but the midwife is going to see me at home. ??? at least i don't have to drive...

so i'm going to talk with her about what i'm thinking; i.e., thanks but no thanks, i just don't see it working out with the birth center for me. there are too many reasons they could (and will) say no at the last minute, and i don't want to deal with that. i am meeting with a new midwife on monday night whose reputation is a little less by-the-books, so if we click and she's ok with all my "complications," i'm going to release sarah from my obnoxious need for care. if it doesn't seem like a good situation, i'm going to continue my care with sarah and plan for an unassisted birth, just in case.

i've been considering the idea of contacting a midwifery student--one with a LOT of births under her belt--to see if there is any interest in being an alarm system, if you will. someone to yell "hey wait that's not normal" if something comes up that we might miss. my thoughts are that as long as one doesn't have a license to worry about losing, and knows she is just there as an advisor, there should be no risk whatsoever. and she might get the bonus of watching an unassisted birth, or even saving a life should the situation call for intervention. just an idea.

i'm anxious to know whether little mister is vertex yet or not. i've hesitated on doing the slant board just in case he DID turn (i think he might have) because i don't want to un-turn him by accident. i need to play music in my pelvis tonight though, since it can't hurt.

unrelated note-to-self: i am feeling a need to post about birth trauma. about the aftermath of unwanted surgical birth. this is coming from nowhere but the urge is really strong so i think it's time to reassess rowan's delivery one last time before i am fully ready to deal with the nameless baby's birth...

i got an email back from the person in charge of the midwives' practice (regarding my desire to petition for a homebirth), and her progressive, stand-up-for-women's-rights answer was, paraphrased:

we can ask doc OB and see what he says. does that work for you? by the way he'll be much more likely to approve you for a birth center birth like last time.

sigh. i had hoped for her to push him for me, which apparently she isn't getting. i told her, MANY times now, that i am not having a baby anywhere but my house unless lives are in imminent danger. but she keeps on anyway...

here i am again, wondering if--with my iron and possible breech issues--it's even worth bothering about. the longer we go the more i think i'm better off doing it without them.

midwife called me about my blood test last week - see #4 below.

let me list all the checks i have against my having a successful homebirth with a licensed midwife:
1) distance >30min from hospital
2) factor V leiden blood thing; probably not an issue? depends on word of god, i.e., OB's decision.
3) currently breech baby
4) anemia (iron level=10.9, law says 11.0 or forget it)

so... i think i quit. fuck it. i'll just do it myself, know when to call 911, and hope for the best. i am so sick of fucking technicalities getting in the way of what I KNOW is right. it happened last time, and i let it, but it is not going to happen again.

i find myself in the ace of wands of my tarot year, moving into the four of wands next week. apparently the ace has had nothing to do with the birth situation (except maybe that i am truly mentally embarking on preparation for unassisted birth) and was all about getting back into twink with energy. but this four, he's different. i see birth issues here, and i can only hope in a good way. the link above talks about rites of passage and homecoming and preparation for celebrations... "openings and gateways" and "solidifying the creative process." these things speak to me of getting ready for birth in a positive light, not stressing and worrying about when or how or whom. i can hope.*

one could argue that these things against me (#1-4 above) are the universe telling me what not to do, but i disagree... i am getting a clear message from baby and universe that we need to have a homebirth and all this other shit is just noise clogging the airways. testing my resolve, even. i could have a natural birth at the birth center, but i have an innate sense that that's just not right. so whatever... we may be on our own here, baby. i hope you're ready.



*this baby will be born solidly in libra, when i am, quite unsurprisingly, living the two of swords. that link is the nicest version of that card i have EVER seen--this is my deck, and the typical interpretation. i have a deep conflict to look forward to, i can only hope it is between family members concerned about me, and not between matt and i disagreeing about the birth. or between me and the baby on some spiritual level. the bits about an inability to act really freak me out.

so while i am in the main concerned with either:
1) finding a midwife who is willing to attend me
or
2) preparing myself utterly for a 'freebirth' assisted by good samaritans* only

i am also thinking about the smaller things that worry me, like what about my horribly scarred perineum? should i be doing anything to get it ready? who can tell me this if i have no midwife? tearing badly over scar tissue is the last thing i need to be concerned with right now...

i'm thinking about this baby being breech. i'm thinking that i should be having aquanatal sessions. i'm wondering when and what to get for the homebirth in terms of supplies.

i know these things can be gleaned on the internets but i like to talk about them face-to-face. i'm feeling a lack of womanly care that i have become accustomed to... i think that is the root of it. it's not a doctor-figure i lack, it's a wiser, older woman to chat with me about pregnancy. someone who really knows what she is talking about from seeing 100s of births first-hand.

i realize more and more that i really have no desire for a midwife to attend me during birth, but i feel like i need it beforehand, for some reason. i've had zero response to the emails i have sent both to my old midwife's practice and another one. i did get a response from a third but i am not ready to call her yet, as i have no relationship with her and don't want to start a new one unless i have to.

so that's what i'm thinking about lately...

and i had a dream about little mister last night. he wasn't "born," as none of my dreams seem to allow that to happen, but he came out of a bloody little wrapped package of uterus and nursed like a fiend. he had dark hair, which i expect, but i didn't see his eye color. he was little.

*now, WHY doesn't that apply if i call a midwife at the last minute during a birth emergency? if she is acting gratuitously and outside of a patient-practitioner relationship, what is the problem?!

little mister is totally, completely breech here at 28 weeks. like head at my bellybutton breech.

luckily i planned to visit the chiropractor anyway (for my presumably misaligned back and pelvis), so now i just have to find someone who takes medicaid AND is trained in the webster technique. and i ought to do some breech-turning manuevers if i ever get a moment. they say 25% of babies are breech until 32 weeks, after which is drops to more like 4%, so i guess i have a month to hope. but as a friend said to me the other day, my luck with regards to avoiding slim percentages so far has been shitty! rh-, clotting factor, nuchal cord, bilobed placenta, velamentous insertion of cord, etc...

as if i needed one more thing to worry about with this birth. the funny thing is, other than the breech situation--which will likely change on its own--i am otherwise without anxiety despite plenty of reasons to freak out. it's like i just don't care, but that's not it. i don't know if it's denial of problems or total acceptance of whatever happens, but i'm not ruffled right now. whatever happens, happens; and i know what won't happen: c-section. everything else is fair game, i guess. i really need to sit down and think hard about unassisted birth to find out if i am honestly ok with any/all outcomes.

*sputtering every obscene expletive she can scrounge up*

AHHH! there is nothing more frustrating than finding yourself saying "i knew better, but i did it anyway." yesterday was a shitty day, all around.

first, it was day two of what is so far a three-day headache reaching from my forehead to the base of my skull and slightly down my neck.

then, i didn't have to work, which means 1) no money for that day 2) no chance of repeating the clean catch to verify my alleged UTI 3) no driving to gainesville to pick up things from the old house for the party. damn it.

re #2: no choice but to take the freaking antibiotics which may or may not be linked to heart problems and cleft palate--the study i linked the other day had several flaws, but still. so i got the damned things yesterday and agreed i would take the first dose in the evening. it ended up making me dizzy with a pounding headache that shortly lead me to the bathroom where i proceeded to projectile vomit my dinner, the antibiotic, and two tylenol i took for my headache.

i called the birth center to ask about a certain side effect of the macrobid (some issue with anemia) and found out they had been trying to call me anyway... because they got more records from "Dr. First Birth with Forceps" and decided I NEED A CONSULT WITH HIM TO MAKE SURE I AM OK FOR OUT-OF-HOSPITAL BIRTH! didn't we do this once before? didn't i kick myself in the ass for going? yes, and yes. wtf. this is why i was afraid to use the birth center again--they're afraid to spit without asking His permission.

the reason i have to see him this time is because i was prescribed a blood thinner postpartum at my own request after the traumatic birth i had and much discussion with matt and our hospital midwife. they made me go through a consult with Dr. FBwF last time around because they had no clue about my blood clotting issue; he sent me to the hematologist, who was totally on my side; everybody finally said OK and i got it in writing that nobody was going to make me take any blood thinners unless i decided i want to, because the hematologist said they weren't necessary. BUT NOW, because *I* decided *I* wanted to--not because any doctor told me i had to--they are making me go get another fucking consult with the doctor who already cleared me once before. why why why why why?

now any reasonable person would be saying, "what's the big deal? why are you whining like a kid who dropped his ice cream cone?" how about these reasons:
1) i live 35 miles from the doc's office and it's a huge hassle to get there considering gas is $3 a gallon and my car ain't exactly economy-class.
2) i've already been through this with him, and the last time he tried to tell me i was too high-risk for the birth center, let alone a home birth. i really don't care to hear his opinion again.
3) he was the one who ended up removing rowan from my vagina, and while i owe him in a major, major way for both not forcing me into c-section and skillfully repairing what i am told was an absolutely horrifying mess of a genital area afterwards, my memories when it comes to him are...shall we say...less than pleasant. not interested in seeing him.
4) HIS OFFICE IS AN ABOMINATION. i don't understand how the health department continues to allow them to operate as a business, nevermind a fucking doctor's office! it's dirtier than any wal-mart i've ever been to (as in, pee cups on random counters, no one wearing gloves, grimy surfaces everywhere, crap strewn about, i could go on forever)! his staff is usually rude and unhelpful. oh, and since he is way too busy, he rarely shows up for an appointment within 4 hours of the scheduled time. to call it a long wait is a bit of an understatement.

what really pisses me off is that i am not having to do this because the head honcho (NOT sarah, my midwife) is concerned with my well-being postpartum--if that was the case she could get me the drug i would need; i'm doing it because the birth center doesn't want to get in trouble for not having him clear me. fuck that. at this point, i am so over playing these games with them. she said "just go at your convenience--i know it's not convenient, but do it when you can." so i've decided it's not going to be convenient for me until, hmm, maybe 37 weeks? she can hassle me all she wants, i'm not wasting my time or my emotional peace in his office.

i intend to tell this to sarah, because she deserves to know where i stand on it. we actually discussed the plan for postpartum clot-control at my first appointment and came to a happy agreement that we'd work out an herbal concoction that i can take as an alternative, since i told her flat out i am NOT doing 4 weeks of daily subcutaneous shots in my belly that burn like fire. i will not do it again anyway, so what the hell is the point of me seeing Dr. FBwF? the worst part is i'm sure sarah disagrees with the consult as well, but she can't exactly flip off her boss. bureaucracy totally infuriates me.

so here we are again, just like last time... if the birth center feels they have to transfer me (either for non-compliance or b/c Doc says so), i'm done. unassisted home birth it is. if they can pull their heads out of their asses, great--we'll have a happy home birth with a midwife i love. there you have it.

footnote:
my tarot year puts me at The Devil here in taurus. i just did a little reading up on him, since it's been a while, and as always i am wryly amused at my own fussing now that i see the current situation from the perspective it's been placed in for me. the devil is all about realizing you have the power to overcome your fears and integrating your shadow self... and here i am, seeing demons and enemies all about me, and screaming that they can't get me, when really what i should be doing is wondering why i feel threatened by those who have no power over me. what are they showing me about myself that is so scary?

maybe the deep-rooted self-doubt that fears i can't do it--that birth won't ever work for me the way i so hope it will. that i need help from a doctor or a drug or i will fail again. that's what i need to be addressing, not some dumbass doctor or paranoid midwife's opinions. thanks, devil.