september mama

i'm combining these two subjects because they are interrelated and i'm way behind in terms of keeping a current record of things for my own future reference...

the postpartum experience

otherwise known as "the downside to childbirth:"

- my nether region felt bruised beyond comprehension for about two weeks; it was really a chore to walk (waddle, really) for quite a while. no pain from the stitches, thankfully, but the bruised feeling was bad enough.

- uncontrollable crying for nearly two weeks. i wasn't depressed (at all) but i found myself bawling at random intervals in all-consuming bursts of raw emotion. it was worse when i was tired; twice when i tried to nap i ended up hysterical over nonsense for hours at a time, such that my mother-in-law tried to convince matt i needed therapy. it was just the hormones working out of my system...

- impossibly terrible, excruciating, laborious bowel movements. i hate to talk about this, but seriously, it should not take an hour and constant lamaze-style breathing to complete a normal bodily function (despite having missed out on it myself, i now know what it must feel like to birth a baby unassisted, crowning and all. seriously). combine the physical difficulty with an intense fear of ripping stitches--and feeling like they will--and you get a very unhappy mama. this continued for a week and later reoccured as well.

- tiredness. happily, i have not experienced the infamous "sleep deprivation" problems that so many parents complain of--my baby is a good sleeper and i don't mind waking up a few times a night. but after 5 days of no sleep pre- and post-labor, exhaustion doesn't begin to explain it. and i couldn't nap because i just kept crying every time i tried.

- bleeding for 2.5 weeks. not that bad really but a tad bit annoying. combine it with a freakish amount of gross tissue (retained placental fragments) coming out around 2 weeks and it gets a little worse.

- urinary incontinence. oh yes. i was horrified and so worried it would continue, but thankfully i have recovered most of the muscle tone down there and don't leak pee anymore. i still have to be careful if i'm messing with running water on a full bladder, but i'm confident that will go away shortly.

- "baby fat." 30 pounds of it.

- surprise pain in the stitches at week 5; apparently something tore or a stitch fell out and now it burns like hell to pee and nevermind the other...

- fear that i will never be totally recovered or back to myself; specifically, an intense fear of sex. i'm afraid it will hurt, i'm afraid it will be disappointing for matt, i'm afraid that it "won't work" in some way or another,* and i'm afraid that being afraid will ruin it. i dread the thought of having sex again, as much as i want to... i guess i'm basically just afraid that it won't be the same. i'm sure it won't, actually... i'm scared to know just how different it will be.

those are the main things that suck after having a baby, at least for me. it's also very frustrating not to be able to do normal things for yourself, like shower every day, clean the house consistently, make food when you get hungry, and leave the house at-will, but those are secondary to the actual issues in my opinion.

planet motherhood

in the business of being born, one of the women says of birth: "it's like somebody flips a light switch and you go to the moon." that is a perfect description of 'what it's like to be a mother'... you're still you, but it's like you shifted into a parallel reality, you're operating on a totally different frequency from before. i am no longer the main character in my own life, and i can't even remember what it was like ever to have been. now is all there ever was, and baby is the center of the universe. i'm relieved that it's possible to feel that way and still not give a crap about pink lace dresses and cutesy bullshit; it's not like i instantly became a soccer mom or queen of the playgroup, i just had my brain switched out for a different model somewhere during labor, and this new one sees everything from the perspective of a mother.

mothers know fear. one of the episodes of hysteria i mentioned before was due to my realization of all this... i was laying down to nap and suddenly i was struck with the thought of something--who knows what--happening to rowan, and my world may as well have collapsed around me. i lost it completely, and learned in that moment what it means to fear. i had never been afraid until that moment, and now i carry that understanding with me all the time... it is the scariest thing imaginable to think that something might happen to your baby. ever. i forgive my mother all the times she annoyingly grabbed my arm while crossing the street, or whatever.

my capacity to love has increased exponentially. nevermind the all-consuming, throbbing-through-my-veins love that i have for my baby (and her daddy by extension, in addition to his own merit), i find myself overcome with love for the innocent in general now, to a degree i never knew before. my heart breaks at the thought of any baby sad, scared, in pain, or just without love. they are SO vulnerable and so needy and deserve only love and comfort. i read a story recently in the local news about a newborn left in a box on the side of the road (she was ok in the end) and i cried for an hour in sorrow over it. we watched the curious case of benjamin button and i almost lost it in empathy for the poor little old man baby at the beginning. it is now outside of my ability to imagine how anyone could hurt or abandon a baby. i could love any baby.

i am more patient than i ever thought possible. scream as she may, i can love her and wait it out.

i now understand what it means to be someone's child. all my life i have been slightly irritated by and cold towards my mother's undying affection (and deep need to share it)... it's my own little issue: having trouble expressing familial love despite feeling it. but things look very different to me now, having a daughter of my own who i want nothing more than to hold and cuddle and love. i feel terrible now for all the times i was unresponsive to her love, knowing what it must feel like to have my baby brush off my affection. i understand how much it means to a parent to get a smile or a hug or a kiss from their baby, and i am sorry i was so stingy with mine. in a similar way, i realize now what my mom means to me; i understand what it means that she is my mother just as i am her child. i need her now as much as i did when she rocked me to sleep every night.

there are so many little things to love about being a mother... when she sleeps for more than a few hours, i miss her and have to fight myself not to wake her up, when she nurses she uses her expressive little hands to "knead" my breast like a kitten, just before and after a smile she sticks out her tongue and when she smiles she cocks her head and scrunches up her nose adorably, when i change her diaper she wiggles and grunts and makes funny faces at me, in the bath she always looks surprised and delighted by the warm water and fights me when i massage her until she realizes it feels good, her silly "poop faces" that my sister made a song about... so many things. you really can't imagine how much you will love them until they show up.

and despite the tiredness, the frustration, the lack of control over your own life, as soon as they smile at you again you forgive all of it and would gladly do it again.


there is nothing better in the world to me than that crazy little grin.




*too much information warning!: the first time i attempted to orgasm post-partum there was an intense painful ache in my vagina afterwards, and it has come back every time since. i can't find any info on what or why so far... but it sucks. at least i can still have them, i guess.

i'm feeling a lot of interesting things lately, though "feeling" isn't quite the right word. "sensing" or "anticipating" maybe fits better.

i have a strange, calm sort of excitement about the birth. it sounds silly but it's not as much about finally meeting her--though of course that is awesome--as it is about the process of birth itself. i feel as if i am approaching a point-of-no-return spiritually, like i'm getting ready for a journey i can't even begin to speculate about; something completely otherworldly and life-changing.

having never done it before, i manage to have incredibly positive, and perhaps idealistic, feelings about birth... i imagine it as the greatest, most impossible task one could ever undertake, and knowing that i will get to the point of breaking where i "can't do it"--and still do it--is something i look forward to on a level i can't really describe. i want to break down completely, to give up, and then realize i'm not broken at all and come out singing. while i can understand on a physical and logical level why women might want painkillers for what is always described as the most painful experience ever, but emotionally and spiritually i cannot fathom agreeing with that. to me, numbing medication would be robbing myself of my own greatest experience. pain goes away... being able to know that i did it despite the pain is 100% worth it to me. there is a woman in the business of being born who expresses that birth can (and should) be the most empowering, triumphant experience of a woman's life, and that's basically how i feel about it. i am ready for the challenge and have no doubt about the outcome. women are made for this, and it is what makes us as strong as we are. we do the impossible as a matter of course.

i have been feeling a little... spacey?... but without the negative connotation; i've been having surges of spiritual energy or something like that, and it's making me aware of how irrelevant most of the things i spend my time on really are. i need to be secluded and quiet and a little bit out of touch to really embrace this. it's hard to be half-meditating at work! i have been listening to meditation podcasts at night to fall asleep, which is good, and i made a pandora station out of "new age/spa radio" music to listen to at work. this all started two fridays ago when i was exhausted, i went to the birth center and was told to go home from work and sleep, but instead of heading straight home i stopped at a little herb/crystal shop that i have been meaning to go to, and the second i walked in the door i reconnected with a part of myself that has been long repressed... it was like getting an auric massage just walking in the door. i didn't realize until then how caught-up i have become in the stupid things (stupid things=work), but now i do. the closer i get to birth the more strongly i feel that my life has to change. i know this is partly my saturn return waving from a distance and nudging me to get ready for what is to come. i had plans to pursue natural medicine that i have allowed to fall to a far back burner, but clearly they are not the kind of plans i can dismiss without a fight. which is good, because it will take a fight to put them into action. and it might take a number of years, as well, which i am fine with... there is no rush, as long as i can express myself as i wish without encumbrance.

i just can't bring myself to care about stupid things, or bills, or legal matters, or anything that doesn't directly relate to my growth as a spiritual being, or matt's, or how we are going to raise rowan. gardening, love, self-expression (of myself and others) and a harmonious home are the only things i give any concern to anymore. i'm half-afraid and half-hopeful that this will not change when the pregnancy is over. it is time for me to assert my needs, and to pursue what is important to me... all my intuition tells me that this drive will only become stronger after going through birth.

today was our 36 week appointment, and rowan is definitely head down and partially engaged. good news, now i can stop reading about how to turn a breech baby :). matt surprised me at the appointment by showing up, and he got to hear her heartbeat for the first time. and he felt her head through my abdomen. it was cute. i also took the GBS test so we'll see how that goes.

the difference between inner knowing that everything is perfect and will be perfect, and having external reality confirm it and say "yep" is really interesting. i have known from the beginning that this pregnancy (and birth) would be totally OK in every way, but somehow with each new confirmation of my intuition it gets more and more fun. i believe in informing myself of all possibilities regardless of what i really "feel" will happen--which is why i read everything and get worked up about stuff all the time--because i think it's important to understand fully all potential situation(s) even while i hope for and expect the best outcome. things are going as well as could be hoped for.

and rowan... she is an interesting being. i've had a sense of her since the beginning when i knew she was a girl, and it hasn't changed at all. of all the things i can't quite put into words, the one thing i can is "wisdom." it sounds silly but i never, ever think of her as a baby, a kid, or a noob at all... i relate to her as a fully sentient being who knows at least as much as i do about things, consciously or unconsciously. i don't think of her as a child. i think her "spirit" or whatever is way old and may even come out knowing exactly who she is. then again i may be completely wrong, but that's what my sense of her tells me. she's like an old monk or a sage spiritually, i think. and this funny little spirit i feel in the background, impatiently waiting its turn--her sister?--is so different from that. not unwise, but playful; almost mischievous. pregnancy does strange things to us. maybe i'm just hallucinating all of this via excess of hormones and imagination.

anyway... that's where i'm at.

i noticed i never wrote that post on circumcision that i was planning on. i guess now is as good a time as any (odd since i'm having a girl, but whatever).

as a non-disclaiming disclaimer: i am not going to pad my words in this post. this is what i really think, and it's a subject about which i have spent a lot of time thinking, and i feel very strongly about it. i'm going to say what i want to say, and without intending to offend anyone, i'm sure i will. i'm sorry about that--i promise i am not judging YOU or your personal decisions, i am only sharing MY feelings on the matter. on a similar note: i STRONGLY believe in parental rights, so alas, it is the parents' choice what to do with their helpless offspring; one hopes the parents have enough compassion to be open to the best interests of the child, but if not, it is their right to decide nonetheless. i do not believe in any state or federal intervention between parents and children unless abuse is apparent (the legal definition of "abuse" then becomes the problem, but that is a whole other issue that doesn't need to mix itself up in here).

so off we go... on circumcision.

"...an intact body is a universal human right." NOHARMM.org

opening question: would you circumcise your daughter? then why your son? it. is. the. same. thing.

we take a perfectly healthy infant and remove a functioning part of his body. a part that he would--by all accounts--be better off for having, both physically and emotionally.

first of all, WHY?
historically, we are told the reasons for circumcision are basically hygienic. we have been taught that uncircumcised penises are dirty, dangerous, and difficult to care for. medical research shows that none of the above are true; the most common problem with intact foreskin later in life is "phimosis," which affects 2% of intact males, on average, and can be treated almost 99% of the time without surgery. so the fear that "it will have to be done later anyway" is medically unfounded. the idea that uncircumcised men spread STDs more easily has also been disproven. as for difficult to care for--please. even if it were true, which it isn't, are we now using laziness as a good reason to perform unnecessary surgeries on infants?

in fact, almost all circumcisions are performed for religious or cultural reasons; i.e., conformity of the child to the "norm" to which the parents are accustomed. i can't find the link now but i read (many times in various places) that women who were polled and said they were more likely to circumcise their sons admitted it was because of THEIR OWN SEXUAL PREFERENCE. part of the poll was also to ask whether they had been with an intact male or not--those who had were less likely to have their sons circumcised. that's what you call fear of the unknown; thus, the "cultural" reasons for most circumcisions. it's bad enough that most are done out of ignorance--the idea that women are molding their sons' bodies based on their own sexual ideology borders on twisted. what right would a father have to give his daughter breast implants because it was HIS preference in women?

in the 1800s and 1900s circumcision was performed (almost exclusively) as a means to curb the prevalence of masturbation in children. yes, the reason most men in the US are mutilated is because of the victorian mass-hysteria and fear of sexuality which literally altered the perceptions of the medical community through the 1920s and on.

Dr. E.J. Spratling, who promoted this surgery by telling his colleagues that "...circumcision is undoubtedly the physician's closest friend and ally..." prescribed in 1895 the method of circumcision as it is practiced in hospitals today.

"To obtain the best results one must cut away enough skin and mucous membrane to rather put it on the stretch when erections come later. There must be no play in the skin after the wound has thoroughly healed, but it must fit tightly over the penis, for should there be any play the patient will be found to readily resume his practice not begrudging the time and extra energy required to produce the orgasm... We may not be sure that we have done away with the possibility of masturbation, but we may feel confident that we have limited it to within the danger lines."
(E.J. Spratling, MD. Medical Record, Masturbation in the Adult, vol. 48, no. 13, September 28, 1895, pp. 442-443.)

doesn't that make you feel good? today's medical practice is informed by a bunch of erotophobes with the misperception that masturbation made people sick and degenerate. mutilation of the body was considered an appropriate response to "dangerous" (natural human) behavior. and here's a telling gem:

"A remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment. In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement."
(John Harvey Kellogg, M.D., "Treatment for Self-Abuse and its Effects," Plain Fact for Old and Young. Burlington, Iowa: F. Segner & Co. (1888). P. 295) [yes, like kellogg's cereal. that's him.]

so the POINT is for it to be painful and traumatic, in order to create lasting associations between sexuality and pain, with pleasure as a bad, scary, and ultimately traumatic experience. you are bad for wanting that, and you will be punished. if you have been circumcised, the punishment is lifelong. (by the way, carbolic acid is phenol, the numbing agent in chloraseptic spray. why numb the girls and mutilate the boys? it doesn't make sense...)

the american association of pediatrics has stated as of 1999:

"Existing scientific evidence demonstrates potential medical benefits of newborn male circumcision; however, these data are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision [emphasis mine]. In circumstances in which there are potential benefits and risks, yet the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child. To make an informed choice, parents of all male infants should be given accurate and unbiased information and be provided the opportunity to discuss this decision."

when you have babies, if you haven't already, let me know if you are presented with "accurate and unbiased information" (or any information whatsoever) on circumcision before they ask you on delivery day what you want to do. if they ask at all.

some physical consequences of circumcision, or What Is Lost
1. The frenar band of soft ridges--the single most pleasure producing zone on the male body. Loss of this densely innervated and reactive belt of tissue reduces the sensitivity of the remaining penis to about that of ordinary skin.

2. Approximately half of the temperature reactive smooth muscle sheath called the dartos fascia.

3. Specialized epithelial Langerhans cells, a component of the immune system.

4. An estimated 240 feet of microscopic nerves, including branches of the dorsal nerve.

5. Between 10,000 to 20,000 specialized erotogenic nerve endings of several types, which can discern slight motion, subtle changes in temperature, and fine gradations in texture. This loss includes thousands of coiled fine-touch receptors called the Meissner's corpuscles - the most important sensory component in the foreskin.

6. Estrogen receptors the purpose and value of which are not yet fully understood.

7. More than 50% of the mobile penile skin, the multi-purpose covering of the glans, that shields all of the specialized penile skin from abrasion, drying, and callusing (by keratin cell layering), and protects it from dirt and other contaminants. The debilitating sexual consequences of keratinizing the glans have never been studied. [this is when the head of the penis becomes more callous--less sensitive--over time in reaction to constant exposure and stimulus with clothing]

8. The immunological defense system of the soft mucosa, which may produce antibacterial and antiviral proteins such as lysozyme, also found in mothers milk, and plasma cells, which secrete immunoglobulin antibodies.

9. Lymphatic vessels, the loss of which interrupts the lymph flow within a part of the body's immune system.

10. The frenulum, the very sensitive "V" shaped web-like tethering structure on the underside of the glans; usually amputated along with the foreskin, or severed, which destroys its functionality.

11. The apocrine glands of the inner foreskin, which produce pheromones—nature's powerful, silent, invisible behavioral signals to potential sexual partners. They contribute significantly to sexuality. Their loss is unstudied.

12. Ectopic sebaceous glands, which lubricate and moisturize.

13. The essential "gliding" mechanism. If unfolded and spread out flat, the average adult foreskin measures about 15 square inches, the size of a postcard. This abundance of specialized, self-lubricating mobile skin gives the natural penis its unique hallmark ability to smoothly "glide" in and out within itself—permitting natural non-abrasive masturbation and intercourse, without drying out the vagina or requiring artificial lubricants.

14. The pink to red to dark purple natural coloration of the glans, normally an internal organ, like the tongue.

15. A significant amount of the penis circumference because its double layered wrapping of loose foreskin is now missing making the circumcised penis defectively thinner than a full-sized intact penis.

16. As much as one inch of the erect penis length due to amputation when the connective tissue is torn apart during "circumcision." This shared membrane tightly fuses the foreskin and the glans together while the penis develops. Ripping it apart wounds the glans, leaving it raw and subject to infection, scarring, and shrinkage.

17. Several feet of blood vessels, including the frenular artery and branches of the dorsal artery. The loss of this dense vascularity interrupts normal blood flow to the shaft and glans of the penis, obviously damaging its natural function and possibly stunting its complete and healthy development.

18. Every year boys lose their penises altogether from botched "circumcisions" and infections accidents happen. They are then "sexually reassigned" by transgender surgery and must live their lives as females.

19. Every year many boys lose their lives from the complications of medically unnecessary circumcisions. The cause of these deaths are a fact the billion dollar per year circumcision industry willfully obscures and conceals.

20. Although not yet proved scientifically, there is considerable new evidence that an incomplete penis loses its capacity for the subtle electromagnetic "cross-communication" that occurs only during contact between two mucous membranes, and which contributes to the perception of sexual ecstasy. In other words, medically unjustified foreskin amputation of boys ultimately diminishes the intensity of orgasms for both men and women!

"The fundamental biological sex act becomes, for the circumcised male,
simply satisfaction of an urge and not the refined sensory experience
that it was meant to be."
Falliers, C.J. Circumcision. Journal of the American Medical Assn., vol. 214, 1970, pp. 2194-2195

(i don't know about you, but i mourn for our men. it makes me SO SAD to think what they have lost--and what we have lost through their loss--and can never get back. deep down i feel this is truly an explanation for much of the difference between men and women's expressions of sexuality. circumcised men have no choice but to be rougher, less sensual, and more to-the-point... their equipment is irreparably damaged and dulled, ON PURPOSE. removing the most sensual part of someone's body is unforgivable and at least equivalent to the rape of a virgin... the most intimate thing, both in concept (as pleasure) and material (as flesh), stolen before he even knows what it is or what it means; and he will never get it back. there is no justification for that in my eyes.)

i cannot even begin to address #18. it is true--look it up yourself.

a few other issues to consider
so. there is no proven medical reason to circumcise babies routinely. and just knowing what it does to them physically, there should be no religious or cultural reason good enough to override that.

for a long time (and even still, sometimes) doctors told parents "babies don't feel pain" because their memories are not developed enough. i'm sure that would make me feel better, watching my newborn son screaming--and in some cases they stop breathing from shock--and betting on the fact that it's ok because 'he won't remember it.' except i know already that my still-womb-bound daughter recognizes my voice, so she must have a memory, mustn't she? mothers report a loss of bonding attachment and difficulty breastfeeding after circumcision (still searching for that link), and if we think for a moment from the infant's perspective, even if it is a purely emotional one: your mother, your world, has failed to protect you in the most basic way. your body has been violated and mutilated. you are in pain; you are no longer whole. would you continue to trust mother to protect you any longer? would you trust anyone ever again? perhaps this is why so many men harbor unconscious rage towards their mothers... as Marilyn Milos, Founder and Director of NOCIRC says, "Circumcision is where sex and violence meet for the first time."

maybe your son will come to resent the decision you made for him when he was a helpless child (assuming he is even aware of it). according to a 1996 study, "among the 46% of men circumcised in infancy with a definite opinion about their genital condition, the ratio of happy to unhappy men was 50:50. The ratio of men happy to be intact versus those who were unhappily intact was 31:1 (97% vs. 3%). The lowest satisfaction rate was observed in those circumcised in infancy."

"I'm left with a sense of impotence and powerlessness and a fear
about the power of others to hurt me grievously." NY/1930

i hope people bother to wonder what men think about their circumcisions before doing it to their own babies.

by the way i didn't really go into the many (many) ways that a circumcision can be botched, permanently scarring the man in minor to major ways--plenty of which he might never realize are the result of the procedure, and not a "natural defect" in his body. here is a site with photos and links to more.

conclusion
if you go through the links i put in this text you will find a universe of information from doctors, lawyers, researchers, men, and even women on both sides of the fence. do what you have to do, but do it with a fully informed conscience so that if you are ever asked by your child, "why did you do that to me?" you can answer with more than, "uhh..." seriously. we are talking about amputation, after all.

for me the only truly important question is, "whose body is it?"

and then suddenly a bit of timeless wisdom from my grandmother's refrigerator pops into my head:

if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

i started reading "the scientification of love" by michel odent last night. i quite like him, though the book itself isn't exactly easy reading... his english is fine but i suspect the book was written in french and translated, because it has a slightly unnatural feel to the language, even though it perfectly conveys the message. it's a series of very short, kind of choppy chapters detailing new insights on "the scientification of love" from various disconnected research perspectives, so you really have to work to make the connections yourself; science hasn't done it for you. as he describes it, the subject is like a mirror broken into a thousand pieces and each science has one piece but can't see how it fits with the others. he's trying to fit them together himself.

anyway the reason for this post is that there was a paragraph that really struck me, in which he was talking about how back in the 70s the idea that since no other natural physiological process is painful, birth pain must be culturally created. (i've talked about this before and it made a lot of sense to me.) but he says that's wrong... that hormonally we need labor to be painful so that our bodies will release endorphins which facilitate and possibly even trigger the actions of the more important birth/love/bonding hormones (oxytocin and prolactin). that totally blew me away. maybe birth is supposed to be painful? maybe we should be glad that it is! even after the pain stops the endorphins continue to flow for hours after birth...

it's interesting to me because the "cultural delusion" theory totally made sense to me, and i think in part it is still true... we are super scared of labor and conditioned to expect agony our whole lives... but maybe, rather than creating the pain outright, our fears and expectations simply intensify the feelings we would naturally already be having (and put a scary spin on them).

to be honest, i love the idea that the pain helps make birth more pleasant; because in the end, that is what the effect is. i want to be thankful for all aspects of my birth, however difficult they may be. and pain=endorphins=hormone cascade=bonding=love. it's another great reason not to use drugs in labor... you miss out on the pleasure that directly results from the pain. (of course, you still release the bonding hormones during breastfeeding even if you have an anaesthetized or sedated birth.)

fascinating. odent rocks.

from unassisted childbirth:

"If we truly wish to experience a painless birth, it helps to know a little about the nature of pain, including its function and cause. Pain is a sign telling us that something is wrong. It doesn't happen indiscriminately. It only occurs when we're doing something we shouldn't be doing. The pain is a message telling us to stop.

In the case of a laboring woman, it is obviously not a message to stop laboring. What then, could the pain be telling us? According to Grantly Dick-Read, author of Childbirth without Fear, fear is the source of pain in labor. No other natural bodily function is painful, he writes, and childbirth should not be the exception.

When a person is afraid, messages are sent to the body telling it there is a danger out there that must be fought or run away from. Blood and oxygen are instantly sent into the muscle structure, enabling the frightened person to strike out or run. But the extra blood and oxygen must come from somewhere, so the body drains it from organs it considers nonessential for "flight or fight." This is why people turn white when they're afraid. The body knows that the arms and legs need that blood and oxygen more than the face does.

Unfortunately, the body considers the uterus a nonessential organ when it comes to flight or fight. According to Dick-Read, the uterus of a frightened woman in labor is literally white. It doesn't have the fuel it needs so it cannot function the way it was designed to, nor can waste products be properly carried away. Consequently, there is pain. So, to eliminate the pain we must eliminate the fear. "

"fear is the path to the dark side" -yoda, jedi master

:)

anyone reading this probably already knows this stuff, but...

as yet another wonderful outgrowth of xtianity, we subconsciously accept that ALL WOMEN will suffer in childbirth because prototype female (ie, eve) made an oopsie at the alleged beginning of time.*

"Because of this interpretation, billions of people throughout the course of history have stated, affirmed, believed and acted upon the notion that pain and difficulty must accompany labor** as a result of the curse given to the first woman, Eve. Another explanation is that because major religions had such a powerful impact on society as a whole the idea of the woman having to have pain in labor permeated and anchored itself to birthing in our minds.

This influence affected and continues to affect how birthing is generally portrayed in movies, TV shows, magazines, books etc. The validation of this historical event through religious figures and the media causes it to become ingrained in the consciousness of society as a whole and that affects you.

Why, you ask? Because when we are exposed to certain ideas as children we just accept them without question. If the majority of society says that there must be pain in birthing, people believe that there must be pain."

your subconscious mind is incredibly powerful in influencing your experience of life. imagine, centuries of painful births as a direct consequence of it being easier to believe someone else's truth than to seek one's own.

[enter the radical, highly challenging, and rebellious side of rhiannon's brain]

to the billions of women throughout history who have had painful childbirth experiences: i am sorry to tell you this, but you were tricked. coerced. brainwashed.

it didn't have to be that way, but unfortunately you were in a battle for your own experience without ever realizing it. society, your parents, your friends, your TV, and your doctors all told you "what birth is like" and your subconscious ate up their teachings and made them real, creating your experience (which then conveniently validated everything you were previously told).

and while i feel for you, and hate the system that made you suffer, i have learned from your ordeals. thanks to you, i know better. my experience will not be like yours--it will be mine.

so forgive me when i shut my ears to your recounting of the 20-hour agonizing, episiotomied, labor... when i gaze vacantly in response to your reassurances that i will "beg for an epidural"... and when maybe, one day, i tell you to be quiet because i don't want to hear about it anymore. you will not make me suffer the way you did. (and while i know that is not your intent, it is a consequence of the re-telling: perpetual reinforcement of any idea tends it towards widespread truth.)

i can't hear you when you try to scare me. i know that you were duped and i refuse to be. your truth is not my truth... i will find my own, thank you very much.

i am going to find more books like this.



*alternate reading of the story (my philosophical version): perhaps it was more complex than we are lead to believe. eve*** ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and as a result became more "mental" (knowledge) and less in tune with her own inner truth... thus she was willing to believe it when god suggested she should suffer in birth. the curse/gift of the fruit of knowledge is to become gullible and convinceable--to be doubtful of our own truth in favor of external pressure--not to have the apparently random punishment of labor pains. as Goethe said, "We know accurately only when we know little; with knowledge doubt increases." we doubt, and that is the double-edged sword of the gift of knowledge.

**also can we just address the use of the word LABOR (or better yet, 'hard labor') to describe birth?! how's that for subtlely conjuring physico-emotional associations?

***the more i look at the word "eve" the more it looks like a vagina squished between two boobs. weird.