september mama

is Liam Matthew. after 4 days we finally settled on it.

...might not be the hardest part, but it does suck. yes i know, i'm only 38 weeks and could possibly have another month to go, but it's doubtful. today--and more so right this minute--i feel like he has descended quite a bit. there is an uncomfortable "no" feeling in my pelvis when i try to close my legs and i have developed a distinct waddle as a result... and i have had a few intermittent, painful contractions today. nothing remotely timeable, but definitely not braxton-hicks nonetheless.

i have almost everything i need to do before birth done; the last real thing is to make a batch of lotion tomorrow and then take photos of everything for t.w.i.n.k. and try to get them listed on etsy if possible. other than that, i'm ready. i have chosen two names as of tonight, and if matt won't choose his own so we can discuss it before i go into labor i am ruling him out of the decision-making process and i will sign the birth certificate myself! unless he comes up with something great, which is unlikely but always possible, this boy will be Reid Owen or Liam Wesley. i'm completely torn between the two (baby likes them both).

yesterday was a really crappy day but i'm not going to get into it--mostly hormonal troubles--and today was better. rowan is coming down with a cold, however. she's been sleeping fitfully tonight as a result of her sniffly nose (and probably that other molar that is halfway in!). but as usual, she's in a pleasant mood anyhow and has been totally adorable lately. she learned how to turn around, thanks to her favorite sesame street dance routine, so she walks in these little circles with her head tilted to the side and it's very funny. she's also been really into this monkey doll she has ("oooh oooh") and has been putting him on the potty and helping him put shoes on repeatedly. she seems to have a natural affinity for nuturing... i should mention, though, that she is going through a major MOMMY phase. poor matt has been really making an effort to hang out with her and help out and she rejects him consistently. i try to explain it's not about him--this is totally new and clearly a phase; she has even been doing it to my mom a little bit the few times she's babysat recently--but it still hurts his feelings and makes him think she doesn't care about him. of course that is totally not true, but he wants her to say "daddy!" and run to him when he offers to read her books and she's just not into that at the moment. a few months ago it would've rocked her world, but right now it's all about me. perfect timing, as she's about to have to share my attention with a newborn..! sigh. we've had a few very mild temper flare-ups too, of the sort where she wants me to do X and i won't, so she starts an angry cry and crouches on the ground until i find a way to change the subject. matt suggested this might be the start of the 'terrible twos' and he might just be right. i thank the stars every day that rowan is so mild in general; her "bad" is nothing compared to other kids' i have seen. she's easy even when she's not; i don't have the guts to hope the same of her brother, but i guess we'll see.

this morning we went over to my sister's house and picked up butters' offspring, 18 month old marge (yes, butters and margarine) to take her off their hands; she kept escaping and causing trouble out of loneliness and desire for green grass. so now we have two cows, but only one for milking. and we really think butters is pregnant. we have to get the vet out here to check her out because the last thing i want is for her to calve unexpectedly out in the field... not that they don't do it all the time, but still. i'd like to know if we're getting a new addition! and i think my brother in law is bringing over a few of his unwanted hens to add to our flock too, which is nice. they just have too many and not enough time, so maybe i'll get lucky and one of those hens will go broody in a few months. it is starting to look like i will have incubate the nest of eggs myself, but i'm going to give our hens until friday to sit like i hope they will. also we bred one of the rabbit does on wednesday night so we may have a litter of them next month too! who would've thought fall would bring so many newborns...

i haven't posted in a while because there was a half-written post i was sitting on--a whine/rant/freak-out about how everyone else was freaking out about the homebirth--that i have decided not to post after all. i'm over it and i don't want to talk about it. i have not wavered for a second over my decision and matt is supportive, and that's all that matters. everything else is speculation and possibility and that's where it should be left. we'll deal with what happens when it happens.

in the meantime, rowan has had her first shower and been to the beach. the shower surprised me because she loved it; i assumed the water spraying her head and face would be too much, but she played and yelled and had a great old time. very cute. the beach was a birthday party for two of her second cousins, and even with a 2.5 hour drive each way with a car full of my family (and infant nephew), and no nap, she was all smiles and silliness the whole day. she really really liked the sand and even the waves, amazingly. i guess her timidity is less than i have come to believe...

she also had a visit from "nana and pops" (matt's dad/wife) which was a lot of fun for her. they took us to blue springs and she squealed about all the kids diving from a platform into the frigid water. she learned to say "spider" thanks to pops. just what i need, little rowan pointing out every bloody spider she sees out here in the woods... *shudder* she's really working on her vocabulary lately and she is outgrowing shoes like it's nobody's business. size 5 as of two weeks ago and already getting tight! i can also clip her hair up into a little twisty-thing at the back, which is totally cute. matt says i need to cut her bangs but i'm not into the idea.

mr. nameless second baby is growing, too, and i am somewhat uncomfortable a lot of the time as a result. he's quite high and never changes position--just pokes his feet out my right side and punches down in my bladder--but the braxton-hicks are starting to suck now that he's nearly birthing size. there isn't much more room left for him. i look pretty weird though because i'm basically all belly and normal everywhere else. i had such a crappy time with rowan's pregnancy, but thankfully this time has been easy. the only thing that has really sucked the past few days is that i have been having some kind of reflux problem when i lay down... i'm never, ever hungry anymore because i think my stomach is completely compressed by his butt and feet (depending on the moment) and it would seem that my digestive system has basically stopped, because at 4pm today i was tasting breakfast. and when i lay down i feel nauseous and/or as if the contents of my stomach are pushing their way out-through-the-in-door. pretty gross and uncomfortable. but i still have no swelling, no arthritis, practically no leg cramps (i think i've had two actually present), no painful feet, and no general fatness. i'd even say the urinary... issues... of pregnancy are the same if not less than they were the first time; that surprises me. so if i dare to hope that the birth will reflect the 10-month journey, this might actually go pretty well.

i've got all my supplies on-hand (except a fish net, LOL)* and i was excited to be able to order three single bendable straws for $.05 each from the site where i got the stuff. so much nicer to say "hmm, i only need two adult diapers" rather than spending $15 on a package or buying a whole birth kit. i have so much stuff already that i only needed to order like $10 worth of supplies. they also sell fetoscopes and hemoglobin analyzers and things like that, for the unabirthers who want equipment.

so... my "window' commences on friday. yikes! but i guess until he drops i shouldn't be too worried. i still need to kick matt into fixing the cradle *growl* and probably clean 25 more times, but otherwise we're ready. i'd like to henna my hands and feet one of these days too. and pull some of the sandspurs out of the yard before they go to seed... and probably make a decision on what his name is going to be!! i think i have three finalists but two are untested and i'm really leaning towards #1. i guess i should post them, since i've been so secretive about the name thing thus far. possible names:
1) reid owen
2) lane matthew
3) cullen ?wood?
... not sure about the middle name on #3. i also like "flynn matthew" but flynn means red-faced and i don't want to curse him like that. and now matt just walked in and is talking with someone on the phone about names. time to pressure him :)

*if you don't know why a fish net is important for a home/water birth, you don't want to. if you do, you know why i am laughing. ah, bodily functions.

finally! the other night out of nowhere (not that i haven't mentioned it almost daily) matt pulled my list of names off the fridge and starting crossing them off one by one and commenting on how bad they were. hahaha. he doesn't realize i put half of them on there just so he has something to cross off and criticize otherwise i'd risk losing some good ones to his silliness! so we're down to about 13 good ones, half of which aren't even that good. and he was looking up more names on his own online later that night. i'm encouraged.

all of my favorites are still on there, and we even agreed on a new one that wasn't on my list :). i can only hope a decision is near... he's obviously thinking about it, which is really all i wanted.

i will be in my "window" in under 6 weeks...

...is getting in the way of me completing the post-midwife-meeting post! i have it more than half-written but i need time to pull links to finish it properly. i hope to get to it tomorrow if not tonight.

in other news, the cow came home last weekend and is providing us with tasty fresh milk every day. it's oddly satisfying to milk a cow (and oddly similar to using a breast pump and watching with pride as the bottles fill up). it is, however, hot as b a l l s out here, even late in the evening, and so the process of actually milking her is pretty strenuous. i'm not sure i've ever sweat so much. and i keep forgetting that i'm 8 months pregnant until someone--usually my dad--gives me some crap about how i 'shouldn't be doing' this or that. i just don't feel the overwhelming blah i had with rowan when i was this late. i feel like myself, and even my belly doesn't seem to get in my way as much as i remember with her. my weight gain is less with this baby but i am surprised that would make such a difference in how i feel. back to the cow/milk thing--i've got some nice recipes on the farm blog and i think i am starting a "frugal tip" series when i think of neat stuff to share.

he is kicking the crap out of me though. several times a day i get gasp-inducing jabs that really hurt! something just makes me think he is not going to wait for his due date.

i think i quit the chiro... not just b/c he's vertex (if he still is) but b/c i'm not convinced it is helping my weird butt pain at all, and everyone tells me it's "addicting" anyway. i just don't feel any different when i leave his office than when i walk in, other than the squirmy leftover i-hate-being-cracked feeling in my fingers. so i dunno.

rowan's ear is officially better as of the doc visit today, after 10 days of antibiotics. hate that, but at least she's better. she's going through a sort of bratty phase though, just testing me all the time with things she knows she isn't allowed to do (opening the toilet lid, touching breakables at my mom's, throwing food on the floor, etc) AND she is so freaking picky with food lately. stuff she loves she will totally refuse to eat just because. it's driving me nuts, honestly, but i tell myself it's just the terrible twos coming early. i guess now is better than later..? she's not even really "bratty," per se, just a little stinker once or twice a day. it's annoying more than anything else. but to counteract that, she has started giving kisses and blowing kisses in addition to her abundant hugs (complete with back rubbing/patting), so it's hard to really get mad at her. manipulative little rat.

still no name, but i'm grilling matt daily. it's way past time to know his name!!

sarah called me last night to inform me that i have a different type of asymptomatic UTI after the antibiotics and my pee test last week. seriously?!

at least this time we are treating it herbally (azo cranberry pills, garlic pills+raw garlic, LOTS of water) because it's a small colonization, but i'm really confused and a little frustrated over it anyway. i know perfectly well how to prevent UTIs and i am always careful, because i have had a few in the past and they totally suck; so i don't understand what is going on. but all i can do now is try to knock it out myself.

i am 21 weeks now, mister is kicking all the time and i'm ready to get moving on his part of the bedroom! i started knitting a mobile for him, like rowan's little birds (below), only different. i'm doing his with mushrooms, a snail, a caterpillar, and a dragonfly in earth tones. i was thinking last night how funny it is that i made an air (birds) mobile for the earth baby and now i'm making an earth (bugs) mobile for the air baby... ?? oh well. it should be really cute when it's done.

i think i have a boy name i really like too, but i don't want to share yet. i'm afraid it's way too popular but *whine* i really like it!! i'm sticking to my guns about the criteria needing to fit within: celtic/nordic, nature-related, and uncommon but not too hippie. no biblical names and nothing from further east than germany. i haven't heard a peep from matt but i suspect he has been thinking hard, too.

i am glad that i did all the research on circumcision when i did, because now i don't even have to think about it for the little boy... that conversation was already had, thankfully. there is nothing anyone could say to convince me that neonatal circumcision is a good thing.

uh oh, baby is calling...

it's a boy! seriously!

i have such a strange sense of confusion about it, because i guess i just have NO idea how to parent a boy. i sort of always assumed i would only have girls, lol. i am happy about it--it's just surprising.

even though the only real 'psychic' (or whatever) impression i ever got from this baby was, one night when i tried really hard to connect to it, to suddenly think to myself "oh wow, are you a boy?" ...still i was never sure. but after seeing that ultrasound i have NO question! his little thingamajig was all out there for display, hehe. he was cute too, showing off all the important parts, sucking his thumb, and rolling around. i actually got pictures this time so i will scan/post them ASAP.

matt was shocked, i think. he had just finished whining about how 'the fates will never give me a boy' and blah blah depressive crap; ha! the first thing he said when i told him was "AWESOME now i can get my tubes tied." as if. but he is really happy.

and now the name dilemma begins :). AND i have to figure out how the hell i am going to make the baby room less totally-feminine! hehe. side note: ultrasound also said my dates were accurate, thank-you-very-much charting. due date 10/7/10.

on another note, my mom and i got some more portraits done of rowan today after the ultrasound and as per usual, she posed like a champ and we got a bunch of great ones. as soon as they are available online i will post a few.

also i've been slowly adding to the postpartum food stash in the deep freezer, so i've been able to cross a few things off my to-do list! that makes me happy. all in all i think it's been a good week.

man, this is ridiculous. anytime i am tired, hungry, sore or otherwise not completely content i am at risk for having an uncontrollable emotional outburst. and i'm snippity.

we had a really bad morning today. matt was nice and awake earlier than he needed to be, but still in bed, and when it started to get late and he was still lounging, i got cranky really quickly and things just went downhill immediately. i got mad and he got mad and then i felt bad and didn't want to argue and started crying and couldn't stop. it's so stupid. i could've avoided that whole interchange if i had said ONE thing differently. but it just popped out.

so not only was i in-tears and puffy-faced, i was also 10 minutes late to work. fantastic. i really hate daylight savings time.

AND--some crap with family members is really getting to me. my parents--well my mom, at least--generally likes the name we chose--i'm not sure what my dad thinks--and my sister and her husband were really into it, even said it's "really pretty"... but my grandparents are being difficult. kinda shitty, in fact, which is highly unusual considering they are always supportive and understanding of my random strangeness. my grandmother called me the other night, ostensibly to discuss high-chairs; she was basically trying to dissuade me from wanting the one i really wanted by telling me it would get all smelly and moldy "really quickly" and then suggesting i get a stainless steel version instead (which i have never seen before). now, i completely understand her perspective and appreciated her advice and insight, but i know how to take care of wood. i am married to a carpenter. so i told her that i was glad for the insight but i definitely wanted that one, and she said she was going to get it for me despite sounding highly disappointed that i didn't change my mind. no big deal, really.

then she starts asking me (the actual reason for calling) "where did i get the name rowan from?" so i explained a little bit ('it's a tree with some nice mythological history') and then it really started. she didn't mean to, really--she wanted me to change my mind but she wasn't actually intending to be offensive--but she hurt my feelings quite a bit during that conversation. it took us SO LONG and a lot of difficulty to settle on that name, and frankly it's perfect, so i don't give a s*** what anyone else thinks, but geez... here are some of the things she said, verbatim (and keep in mind i am naming the little girl after her! a little gratitude wouldn't be out of place):

"i just don't get it"
"it doesn't sound like you and matt, i don't think of you with a girl named rowan"
"it sounds like a boy's name"
"it sounds like you're rowin' evelyn down the river!" (nice, huh?)
"grandpa says he's going to call her 'rep' [R.E.P.]"
"they're going to make fun of her at school, just wait" (good thing she'll be home-schooled...)
"it just doesn't fit you, i don't get it"
"i really liked lily, what happened to that?"

...to which my response, each time, was either silence, "hmm," or "you can call her whatever you want." and she just didn't get the fact that she was upsetting me. or she didn't care. it sucked.

then last night she called again, ostensibly to apologize FOR THE HIGH-CHAIR CONVERSATION, afraid she had been too pushy and hoping she hadn't upset me about that. ummm... ?? no, i appreciated her input. no mention of whether she had upset me about the name thing. so she's apologizing for the stupid high-chair thing and then--the real reason she called--went on to tell me about the crazy coincidence that her mother's (evelyn's) husband's mother's name was lily and how crazy is that? again with the name. as if all of a sudden, in light of that new information, i would say "hmm, you know, lily it is! nevermind if matt hates it!" it felt kind of like salt in the wound. not only had she NOT apologized for what really upset me, she actually kept making it worse. i couldn't believe it. i think one family name is plenty for me.

on top of that, i am quite sure matt's mother--if she even knows about our choice--hates it. so while i am standing my ground firmly with my family and, though hurt, not caring what they say, matt will almost certainly have a bee in his ear about it too. whether he ignores it or not is anyone's guess. so i'm trying not to worry that we will end up changing her name, because i really love it.

rowan gets to be her own individual and hopefully will not ever have to share her name with anyone she knows. that's all i want for her when it comes to a name.

last night i was at a phd graduation celebration for a friend, and when i told a few of the girls that we chose "rowan" as her name, one of them (a girl from india, interestingly enough) piped up "like the tree!!" and i was kind of surprised/relieved that someone finally got the right reference... but she did even better... she got really excited and started going on about how it was like the poem in the Lord of the Rings books; i was completely blank about it, having read them years ago.

she went on and on about how it's a sad song in the forest sung by an ent looking for his lost rowans... so i went home and found it:

Bregalad's Lament

O Orofarnë, Lassemista, Carnimírië!
O rowan fair, upon your hair how white the blossom lay!
O rowan mine, I saw you shine upon a summer's day,
Your rind so bright, your leaves so light, your voice so cool and soft:
Upon your head how golden-red the crown you bore aloft!
O rowan dead, upon your head your hair is dry and grey;
Your crown is spilled, your voice is stilled for ever and a day.
O Orofarnë, Lassemista, Carnimírië!

and here is some commentary to put it in context:

Bregalad is an Ent, a shepherd of the trees. In this song he mourns the wanton desecration of his beloved rowans by the Evil Wizard Saruman's Evil Hordes. 'Orofarnë, Lassemista, Carnimírië!' means "mountain-dwelling, leaf- grey, with adornment of red jewels". But then, that should be obvious, neh?

anybody who knows me must realize how absurdly happy it makes me to have a tolkien reference to my daughter's name--unintentionally!! if i thought i could get away with it i might have named her arwen, lol. but this is so much better...

*smiling stupidly*

i am feeling a strong urge to keep this to myself out of fear that matt will suddenly change his mind and break my heart... but i definitely picked a name. he gave me his "top 5" from our list, i did some research and some soul-searching, and have adopted her name in my head.

now i just have to do it publicly and pray he doesn't go all gemini on me, shifting like the wind. i sent him an email about it because i couldn't bear to say it over the phone! it's THAT likely for him to just up and say "nah, i don't really like it anymore" now that i have my heart set on it.

*sigh*

her name will be... rowan evelyn. here's why:

ROWAN

From an Irish surname, an Anglicized form of Ó Ruadháin meaning "descendent of RUADHÁN".
- Means "little red one", derived from Gaelic ruadh "red" combined with a diminutive suffix.
- This name can also be given in reference to the rowan tree.

The Rowan, a tree of protection and insights, was known to be a tree belonging to the Faery. This tree was also believed to guard the gateway to the spirit world and its boughs often used for dowsing and deflecting spells. The Rowan is sometimes called the "Whispering Tree" and ancient legend tells that it has secrets to reveal to those who would but listen. The Rowan has been associated throughout history with protection against wickedness and is believed to be the wood which was used to engrave the Norse Runes. Its name is linked with the Norse "Runa" or "Rundall," meaning "a charm." It is also associated with the Sanskrit "Runall" meaning "magician."

The Rowan tree, whose blossoms are members of the Rose family, flowers in May. Also known as the Mountain Ash (although it is not related to the true Ashes), this tree is sometimes referred to as the "Lady of the Mountains," due to the fact that it often grows in the most inhospitable of places, though it is most frequently found in mountainous areas as well as gardens.

rowan evelyn numerology: 7, 6, 1

• destiny number 7: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating (scholar/mystic)

• soul urge number 6: huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load (builder/facilitator)

• inner dream number 1: You want to be known for your courage, daring, and original ideas (leader)

did you catch that part about the first woman being created from the rowan tree? it's so not a feminine name, but that really (surprisingly) pegs it as the "ultimate" in feminine. at least from one perspective. i love that. there are a thousand reasons why this name just fits with everything relating to the pregnancy and the impressions i get from her, but i don't think i need to go into them here. it is, however, the only name other than 'lily' that came to me via inspiration and out of nowhere. it's perfect.

so, i write this post in a good deal of anxiety over the fact that i might have to come back and delete it. but there it is.

edit 3/5/09:
matt is on board!!! i was seriously worried about him changing his mind on me, to the point that i told him i didn't even want to tell him my decision... he got kinda pissy about that and made me tell him, and of course the first thing he said was "i don't think that was on my top 5 list." TYPICAL! but, i dragged the crumpled paper evidence out of the trash to show him his own handwriting when we got home, and after that nothing else was said about it. to my dismay.

then a little while later i saw (looking over his shoulder at the computer) that he named our new mp3 player "rowan's"--that means he's in! i was so, so happy to see that. he must have read my email about it in the meantime and decided i was right...

*shakes head* matt and his weird little subtle non-communications.

i have been meaning to pick up some rescue remedy for a while now--i have the occasional emotional breakdown where i just can't control myself (it's the hormones) and i'm thinking it might help. anyway i just went to the main bach flower site and found that rescue remedy and walnut are good for labor:

Walnut

"For those who have definite ideals and ambitions in life and are fulfilling them, but on rare occasions are tempted to be led away from their own ideas, aims and work by the enthusiasm convictions or strong opinions of others. The remedy gives constancy and protection from outside influences."

Rescue Remedy

• Impatiens: For those who act and think quickly, and have no patience for what they see as the slowness of others. They often prefer to work alone. Teaches empathy and understanding of and patience with others. We've found it very fast-acting in alleviating an impatient attitude and lowering stress.
• Star of Bethlehem: For trauma and shock, whether experienced recently or in the past. Teaches the ability to recover from traumas and to integrate them into the present life.
• Cherry Plum: For those who fear losing control of their thoughts and actions and doing things they know are bad for them or which they consider wrong. Teaches trust in one's spontaneous wisdom and the courage to follow one's path.
• Rock Rose: For situations in which one experiences panic or terror.
• Clematis: For those who find their lives unhappy and withdraw into fantasy worlds. They are ungrounded and indifferent to the details of everyday life. Teaches one to establish a bridge between the physical world and the world of ideas; may foster great creativity. Is also used to bring clarity and alertness to the present moment.

These combinations of Bach Flower Remedies that is especially beneficial when you find yourself in traumatic situations, such as, stress, emergencies, after getting bad news, before an exam or job interview and all other kind of situations where we suddenly lose balance mentally. The Remedies quickly get us back in our normal balance so that we calmly can deal with any situation.

i find it pretty interesting that he recommends walnut--it seems like the perfect thing, to me, but how unusual that protecting against "outside influences" trump things like pain relief, calm, anxiety help, etc. pretty cool.

anyway. that's all i had to say about that.

matt gave me his final 'top 5' name choices, so i am working on deciding them as we speak--i expect to have a name in the next day or so (though honestly i think i already have it).

yay!

woooowooo check out that watermelon! i swear i don't really feel THAT big...

good news though, we have been talking about names and i think we are making progress. matt really dislikes 'lily'--sigh--but now that i know why i am more ok with it. he feels that it is too soft, kinda weak, and way too feminine and lacking spunk; he wants her to have a "powerful" name, which i can understand though i'm not completely sure what his definition of that is. to me soft can be strong too, but he's a boy so maybe he is confusing strong with powerful. he's also a big fan of androgynous names, which i am open to, but not totally excited about. he liked river. we both liked ivy (his suggestion). so we are inching closer... i feel better knowing that he's thinking about it and wants to participate actively instead of just tossing around veto power. haha.

:)

this is supposed to be matt's responsibility--and i know he will stubbornly refuse my ideas!--but somehow, a name wormed it's sneaky little way into my head today and now it IS the boy name. kinda like lily fell from the sky. damnit!

i was listening to some goofball new age radio station on itunes and when i looked at the title of a really pretty song, there it was. Rowan. best part is, it was on my list already (just like lily) but it didn't hit me until now.

*sigh* i know matt will hate it. but it is the name. rowan matthew. yep.

i kinda like how they are both plant names :). but really, a taurus named after a tree is very appropriate. and if you look up rowan in the celtic tree signs you get this:

---
"the thinker"
Celtic tree astrology recognizes Rowan signs as the philosophical minds within the zodiac. If you were born under the Rowan energy, you are likely a keen-minded visionary, with high ideals. Your thoughts are original and creative, so much so, that other’s often misunderstand from where you are coming. This sometimes makes you aloof when interacting with others as you feel they wouldn’t understand where you are coming from anyway. Nevertheless, although you may appear to have a cool exterior, you are burning within from your passionate ideals. This inner passion provides inner motivation for you as you make your way through life. You have a natural ability to transform situations and people around you by your mere presence. You are highly influential in a quiet way and others look to you for your unique perspectives.
---

sound like the king of wands, anybody? 'burning' 'passionate' 'creative' 'inner motivation' 'transform' 'influential'...

awwww i am so bummed. i wish it hadn't come to me... i love it! and i just know matt will hate it.

update: it would appear that all is well, mostly because as matt put it "you are way too good of a sister" (matt feels he would never talk to his brother again if they had a fight like that). but we had a few email exchanges and she apologized... so i let it go, and she seems not to mind anymore if i use the name. we'll see when i talk to her in person.

***
i am so hurt right now. my sister sent me the nastiest email i have ever read in my life, and i just spent the last 35 minutes sobbing to my mom on the phone about it. at work.

i'm too upset to go into detail right now but suffice it to say i "stole her girl name" and instead of telling me how much it meant to her and talking to me about choosing something else, she decided to lash out hatefully via email.

bottom line: lily will not be my daughter's first name.

ok people, i need help. matt keeps coming up with insane, definitely-going-to-be-made-fun-of style names for the baby should it end up a boy. it's clear he wants something unusual, possibly historical, and somewhat dramatic... but i draw the line at 'biblical.' no way i'm going there.

so far he has suggested:
dorian
abel
malachi
gabriel
aidan
...and something else crazy that i can't remember.

clearly aidan is a fine celtic name, and if i have to settle on dorian i will, but he is really into "abel." you know, like the pacifist first child of adam and eve who was killed by his evil brother. not quite the sort of association i'd choose for the name of my son...

but matt--of course--doesn't seem to like anything on the long list of reasonable names i have compiled.

so if anybody has any relatively-odd but not totally lame ideas that you wouldn't mind sharing please do! preferably nothing that makes us seem like we're amish or mormon. thanks :)

i've been thinking about names quite a bit lately--mostly girl names--and all at once on saturday it was very clear what i will be naming this bean if she turns out to be a girl.

at ward's i walked by my favorite dairy-section dude who was telling his friend that he has a baby on the way, and he's going to name her "willow" (one of my top 5 girl names)... i told him i had been thinking the same thing, but since he picked first i wouldn't be a copycat. one down.

so then on the way home i just sort of opened my brain up to let names float in, and POOF! something told me in no uncertain terms that my daughter will be named Lily Evelyn. Lily because i like it, it's a flower/nature name, has no biblical associations, and it reminds me of favorite movie number 2 (legend). Evelyn because that is my grandmother's first name which no one ever calls her by. my grandmother was quite the inspiration back in her day. i haven't mentioned this to matt yet, but i can't imagine him disagreeing with me on it. and i don't care if he does, frankly.

so, i'm not sure what to do if this kid is a boy! i told matt i wanted him to pick, but he's still stuck on Dorian... *sigh* it's a good name but far too pretentious in my opinion. maybe i'll be struck with a lightning inspiration for that, too...


ps--i want tacos. now. crap!