september mama

though i should correct my title and call it... "more lactation," to be accurate. i'm still producing milk, though only in tiny amounts. liam is still nursing, though not often more than twice a day (and really only for comfort). but, i have been watching him closely and there were several times yesterday where he crawled over to me, climbed my legs and asked me to pick him up because he wanted to nurse. i also noted his disappointment when all he got was a few drops. so: he is not ready yet. and neither am i.

call it last baby syndrome or whatever you like, he's not even a year old and we still have time for him to be a baby a little bit longer. (don't worry, i am not one of those women who never lets 'the baby' of the family grow up; i just want to enjoy him a little bit longer until he is ready to grow up.) rowan's last nursing experience was on mother's day 2010, a week before her 1st birthday, and she never batted an eye... i am sure i will know when liam is ready.

all this to introduce the goal of seriously increasing my fast-waning milk supply for the benefit of the breastfeeding relationship. it's only partly about the milk production, as he eats any/all food and quite enjoys the raw milk from our grass-fed jersey cow that i give him. so: on with it.

my only genuine concerns--which are quickly brushed aside in favor of enjoying liam's infanthood longer--relate to the sex drive which has finally started to return and to the weight which has finally, slowly, begun to come off in proportion to the drop in milk supply. but a few more months won't kill me (or matt).

i am linking some relactation resources in my stash (see right) but these are the basic guidelines under which i am working (this may be different depending on situation; my baby is older and we have been full-time nursing since birth):
1) pump or nurse every 2-3 hours on the dot - they say 15 or 20 min, but i'm doing 10 because i will primarily be pumping at work
2) after a few days, add in the fenugreek for an extra boost. 2 pills 2x a day.
2.5) eat lots of oatmeal, which i already do. it can up supply by a surprising amount.
3) remember that the menstrual cycle* will create a varying supply over the month!


i officially started this morning, so i can look forward to work days filled with intermittently locked doors, awkward and slightly paranoid undressing in my "office," and shared refrigerators containing bottles of breast milk that freak out coworkers. ah, motherhood. whatever, it's worth it.


*right, i never mentioned this. i got the first monthly visit when liam was 7mo. remind me to post about it re: IUD...

i'm going to make a conscious effort to write regularly now. for my own sake, so that when i want to look back i actually have something to look at.

liam is fully mobile lately, and stands up every chance he gets. a few days ago i caught him as he pulled himself to stand next to rowan's bed, then grabbed a toy and did it with no hands! i'm thinking he will be walking before his birthday... i've been experimenting with letting him swim underwater, since he seems to have no fear of the water and can hold his breath when dunked.

rowan is still anti-potty for the most part, but she is getting enough cognitive ability that i think i'm going to start pushing her a little bit more. as for swimming, a few weeks ago she fell off the top step in my parents' pool, and came up without choking (meaning she had held her breath)... she cried for a few seconds but i made a huge fuss about what a big girl she was for swimming all by herself, and the tears turned into pride pretty quickly. but she still doesn't want to leave the steps. she is going to be a lot more work in terms of encouraging her to take risks. liam will be the total opposite, ha.

matt received a shift change as of tomorrow; he'll be working 4pm-12am with tues/wed off. that is going to be... interesting. on the days i'm home, he will be trying to sleep in until 10am or so with the kids running around (after waking up at 630am). on days i work, i won't really see him at all. i have to say i am rather looking forward to some 'alone time' in the evenings, in which to knit, or work on computer stuff, or just not cook dinner... but it will be weird to go to sleep without him almost every night. weird and unpleasant. i hope it works well for him in terms of getting things done at home, though. he used to be a total night owl, so maybe this will be comfortable for him after the initial adjustment period. we should theoretically save a bunch of money on movie rentals, too, since we will only have two nights per week in which to watch something uninterrupted. we'll see. soon enough it will change again and he'll be on 12-hour shifts... then i will really never see him. sigh.

some milk production drama happened but i don't feel like explaining it; butters is doing well and we are getting a gallon a day. our chicken situation, however, fucking sucks. all our adults were killed (but the ducks remain unharmed). the babies that i mentioned in the last post died--9 of 12 of them--of a sickness which is apparently highly contagious and re-infectable. so i can't keep the 3 who survived, because they will pass it on to any new birds we get. wtf. so right now i technically have no chickens, and it sucks. (as soon as i get rid of these 3 i will be ordering some new chicks.) i do have a batch of 9 eggs incubating, and if i can believe what i see while candling, they are all developing nicely. i'm excited about that because those were the last few eggs from our now-deceased chickens, so i'm glad to potentially have some progeny of the good birds. i'll be ordering chicks to arrive about the time the eggs are due to hatch (july 19).

speaking of milk production, work has ruined mine. i was doing great, pumping 6-8oz at work and nursing plenty... and then suddenly shit went to hell. i'm not really sure how/why. but i know that liam gets bored nursing (let-down too slow lately) and wants an instant-gratification bottle and i am failing miserably at pumping ever, let alone regularly. i started taking fenugreek but so far all it has done is make me smell like syrup. not necessarily in a good way. i was reading up on relactation, though, and it sounds like if i just stick with a 2-hour nurse or pump schedule for a week or so i should be fine to reestablish supply. i wouldn't even care about weaning except that liam is clearly not ready to stop sucking milk out of things, so i would prefer that it be me if that is the case. granted, i am giving him homegrown raw milk in those bottles, and he eats food abundantly, but since he wants to nurse i need to be able to provide the milk. trouble is, bottles are so EASY; plop him in bed, hand him a bottle, and done. none of this 'baby is sleeping in my arms gotta slide him gently into bed without waking him" frustration. laziness prevails despite the best intentions, sometimes.

what else? my new niece, aria, is adorable and growing very fast. kai has been given the 'a-ok' by several doctors, including his ophthalmologist, which was a surprise. he is normal on all the scales, and will grow out of whatever slight delays may be holding him back. it's shocking, frankly. i realize there may be emotional/behavioral differences that surface as time goes on, but apparently hope is strong. if i had to compare him to rowan (speechwise), i would say he is where she was at about 13-14 months (he is technically 19.5 months now), just starting to use understandable words. he's a sweet little kid and has so far been very good with his baby sister.

the grapes are starting to ripen on the vines in the yard...

mostly because i'm KNITTING constantly (gotta get the xmas stuff done...). still not a good excuse though. t.w.i.n.k. was in an indie craft fair last weekend that totally rocked--we made money and it was really fun. someone even told me they liked my "style" in my shiny new outfit bought just for the show! never been told that before; it was nice. and between me and karen we traded with other sellers for at least $200 worth of stuff in addition to the money we made! *headbanging*

as for liam, he is seriously huge. not fat, like those chunky huge babies, just hefty and long. at his 8 week checkup he was 12.2lbs! crazy. he is absolutely sweet... he coes and smiles and tries to laugh all the time. incidentally, that stinky watery poo was diarrhea which cleared up after a few days and now seems to have returned. i do have a sort of forceful letdown but as there is never froth in his diaper i don't think there is an imbalance (also because my boobs are so small that's unlikely--he can only get so much out of them per session and he definitely drains them completely). his eye grossness seems to be all better too, in spite of the stupid antibiotic cream that i stopped using after the first week. he is sleeping between 5-7 hours at a time for the first night stretch, and napping for 1-3 hours once or twice a day. he's delightful.

rowan is getting really good at speaking and i have been drilling her on xmas "stuff"--we watch 'rudolph' and 'santa claus is coming to town' constantly and we've been reading the classic books to make sure she associates santa and whatnot with all the fun that is coming. tonight is a parade downtown that we are bringing her to, and we got a tree yesterday which i plan to decorate today (our first ever). very exciting! she woke up and the first thing she did was smell it and say MMMmmmMM, haha. love it!

i got some fancy new yarns thanks to a gift card i had been saving so i am really looking forward to knitting some things for myself after the holidays are over. so far i have completed a bunch of things for rowan, a really cute set of wristlets and cowl for my sister, a fluffy collar for my mom, slippers for matt's dad, slippers for matt's stepmom, a scarflette for matt's mom, a pair of armwarmers for me, and a cowl that doubles as an overskirt for me. i am working on a hat for matt now, and after that it's the fancy yarns and complicated projects. woohoo!

we think that marge, cow #2, may also be pregnant now. she was exposed to the bulls for much longer than butters, so her later fertilization makes sense. it's nuts. butters is due any day now and it's been really, really cold so i'm a little worried... probably baselessly. we have something like 14 chickens and are getting 3 eggs a day lately. i'm not sure how well the garden is doing but it's out there with green stuff in it. our well froze a few times during these cold nights but matt has insulated it now and it appears to be effective.

i think that's all i have to update at the moment... i need to post pics of the little ones...

both babies are sleeping at the same time for the second day in a row. *bliss* yesterday liam napped from 9am-12pm, too! i even had 5 minutes this morning to slather my head with henna (way overdue) and get some stuff ready for the GLAM which twink and my shirts will both be a part of. as of last night i have whipped myself into shape in terms of making him sleep in his bassinet, and he slept 5 hours and 3 hours (he is officially a stomach-sleeper no matter what i try). it was great to sleep in my bed without a baby i'm afraid to disturb by rolling over! maybe matt will come back to our room now... lol. i also started a pilates regimen that uses baby as the weights, and man that showed me just how out of shape i have become. it was EASY as far as workouts go, and only like 15 minutes, and my arms and legs felt like they were going to give out. i used to be able to do some seriously intense workouts and still be ok. i guess i should look at that past glory as something to work towards again.

i have discovered that i can knit and nurse at the same time, and all i can say about that is HALLELUJAH AMEN woo-freaking-hoo!! i've made some xmas gifts for rowan and i am even halfway done with a pair of super-cute fingerless gloves for me--first thing i've ever knitted for myself. it's glorious to be productive while i'm stuck on the couch otherwise "wasting time" (if you don't consider that i'm imbuing a mini-human with nutritious growth juice).

in the TMI realm--be warned here--matt and i resumed marital relations more than a week ago and everything is a-ok in the nether zone. it's sort of shocking, after my recovery post-rowan. i think i would've been fine with activities down there even at 2 weeks, but i wanted to be sure. it's such a relief.

i'm going for my IUD consultation on thursday which i am very excited about... yay for long-term surefire contraception that doesn't involve surgery! lol.

liam is 6 weeks old. he cooes and looks like he is trying to talk all the time, which is something rowan never did this early. he smiles a lot and is very interested in what is going on around him, and he's much cuter than he was before. i need more photos of him...

so her posts over at the other side of the glass are often long and not necessarily well-organized, but there are always hefty nuggets of insight and genuine truth in them. this one is no exception, and i got a lot out of reading about what was taken away from her son--as well as herself--during their birth. and the healing that came much later.

it's not all about your experience as the birthing mother... the baby's experience is at least as critical, as s/he is imprinting in ways we probably will never understand. i try to remember that all the time... this homebirth is not just for me. it's for his sake.

to the post

for the last few weeks i've found myself counting towards my "window" (37-42 weeks) instead of my due date, because i really have a hunch this guy is going to be a september baby. i've certainly been wrong before, but i just don't see him holding on through 40 weeks. he's not like rowan, always taking her time and not wanting to rush things... so my "window" is in 4 weeks.

i had a dream about him the other night, that he came super early--like 34ish weeks or so--"just so we could see him" (but he weighed over 6lbs and was perfectly healthy). i remember saying 'but how are we going to get him back in to finish gestating??' and we realized he wasn't going back, but since he seemed totally fine we decided not to tell anyone he was premature. he was fully dressed and still had the cord attached, and he looked just like my nephew. i assume that was my brain associating all preemies with kai, and using that to fill in the blank of what our little guy will look like. it was interesting though, because with rowan i always had those dreams about her poking through my very-thin belly skin so that we could see her before she was born; with him, he's just popping out early to say hi. I JUST WISH HE HAD A NAME ALREADY!

i'm starting to feel the afternoon sleepies recently, and if i stand up too fast my belly objects pretty loudly. but other than that i'm still normal; no swelling, no aching feet, no arthritis, no waking up 100x a night to pee (though i do pee a lot)... this pregnancy has been really easy. i know i painted the living room at 38 weeks or something with rowan, but even so, this time around i am much less burdened and monstrous than i was. i do have that wretched pain in my butt that tweaks itself every now and then when i move a certain way, but otherwise i feel great.

i don't know if i already mentioned this, but i've decided to attempt to double-produce milk once he arrives. it can't hurt rowan to have breastmilk again (though i won't nurse her--she's a "big girl" and will need all the reminders she can get), and i do have a decent electric pump, so why not? my production before wasn't overwhelming, but i'm going to see what i can do this time around.

she's still not napping despite being exhausted, though thankfully bedtime was fine last night. *sigh* gotta go get her up for the third time this morning...

rowan is 8 months! she eats like a champ, is still nursing full-time, sleeps through the night, has 2 full teeth and 2 half teeth (all bottoms, lol), she's babbling up a storm and trying really hard to hoist herself up on things. she loves books, playing in the grass (or dirt), and other babies.

karen had her little one, a girl--i knew it--and named her Lillith Ryan which i love. she's totally cute and very alert for a 3 week old. of course i missed her birth because my f*cking appendix decided THAT DAY it needed to be removed. it was awful, and no less because i didn't get to be there with karen for her birth.

i'm still working at the birth center two days a week, and it's great. a little money and a lot of exposure to 1) pregnancy and birth 2) local moms! best of both worlds.

we're hoping to be moving into our new house any day now; final inspection is tomorrow and should be no problem. we'll see.

and the last bit of news... as they say in the world of online forums, i got a BFP this morning. apparently we're incubating baby numero deux! due date is my birthday, of all things. while i was lamenting at first, i realized that it's probably a good thing i haven't got my figure back, since i would just be crying about losing it again... instead i plan to be much more careful about my weight gain this time and actually exercise while pregnant and eat better than i did before. once this baby is out i can worry about getting back in shape for real.

i plan to continue nursing rowan throughout the pregnancy and beyond so it will be interesting to see if she weans herself or not. if not, nursing two babies will be REALLY interesting. as will raising kids so close together...

*rolls up her sleeves and checks her boot laces*

i hope i'm ready for this.

my baby is growing up :(

she is learning to sit up by herself these days, and today she finally decided eating is OK. she was opening her mouth for the banana/oatmeal mush i made her... it was very exciting. she also likes to pound on things with her hands, especially a crinkly book she has:


i think she is resolving her sleep issues, if i dare to say so, since the last few days she's had very long naps and she hasn't woke up until 2am (but a few times then afterwards). i really hope we're just in a phase, because i miss sleeping all night!

we went to a corn maze last week with my neighbor and her 7-month old. it was interesting, and not made of corn. they use some kind of sugar cane or bamboo grass that grows 15 ft tall... i guess corn is too expensive, ha. rowan liked walking through the dim passageways, especially when the wind blew and made the stalks swish. she'd make oooohs and ahhhs about. it was cute. it made me understand just how disorienting a labyrinth can be though; i've never been in one before. without the sun overhead you really do lose your way easily...

while there, i had my first truly "public" experience breastfeeding. sure, i walk through publix with her nursing under a sling, but this was different--pretty much right out in the open except when i could get her hat to cover me. it was interesting... it didn't bother me, per se, but i felt a little weird on behalf of the people around us. thankfully they ALL had children so i figure they can't have been too shocked. all in all i will try to avoid it in the future just because i am kind of shy anyway, but it wasn't mortifying or anything. and i don't really care who else was uncomfortable; part of me thinks i should do it more often just to 'normalize' it for others, you know, to further the cause :).

things have really normalized for us now, which i guess isn't surprising considering rowan is 3 months old today! geez. time flies...

everything is great, she's down to one feeding per night, she's happy--laughing--and babbling, finally outgrowing some of those newborn clothes, and putting on a little fat. work is totally no big deal and my mom is really enjoying having time with her, which is nice. she doesn't seem to mind my absence either.

we didn't get her vaccinated at her 2 month appt, which was kind of a big deal to the doc, the intern, and the random third authority figure in the room against me at the appointment, but whatever. they were trying to intimidate me but that doesn't usually work on me for one thing, and for another, i know what's in those things! and contrary to what i am sure they are used to, i HAVE read all about the vaccines and their respective diseases. nonetheless, i was sent home with lots of scary reading material and given numerous subtle reminders that i'm risking the entire "herd immunity" by not vaccinating her, etc etc... but i stood strong and said "maybe later, not now." yes, i was equivocating, but screw them. it is not a decision taken lightly, trust me--i just can't do it to her. but i imagine this conversation with myself (and matt, and maybe even rowan) will continue for the next few years, as i can't bring myself to say 'never' even though that's how i feel right now. blah.

i'm doing pretty well too, i think i've finally lost a few pounds(?) but i'm having a boob issue that kind of sucks a lot. i decided to go ahead and use the estrace cream one day, so i put a tiny bit down there where i needed it, and then read on drugs.com that it's totally contraindicated for breastfeeding, of course. so that was the only time i've used it... but the next day one of my boobs was really sore/tender, and since that was listed as a potential side effect, i brushed it off. but it really hurt to nurse, and kept up for about 36 hours when suddenly everything was normal again. i assumed it was the cream. but now it's happening again, same side, same sensation--there is no heat, redness, or obvious lump so i really didn't think it was a plugged duct, but i'm thinking that must be what it is. it HURTS. even when i'm not nursing, but moreso then (of course the best way to cure it is to nurse a lot and pump constantly until the block is cleared). all i can guess is that it's from rowan sleeping so long at night and the boob not draining regularly as a result. the thing is, the other side is the one that is prone to overfilling; my left breast has been operated on and produces about half as much as the right because apparently the surgeon had no regard for my future lactational abilities and just cut through whatever was in there when he removed the lump (this was when i was 19). so i'm wondering if maybe the scar tissue in there is partially the cause of the blockage...? anyway, it hurts and i want it to go away! the last time it was over pretty quickly on its own, but i'm going to try soaking it in hot water tonight because i'm tired of it.

speaking of tonight, matt's dad and stepmom are coming up. we've made a huge leg of lamb, some twice baked potatoes, veggies, and homemade pudding with timbales to impress them, lol. (of course since i don't eat land critters i'll be having fish instead.) i hope it turns out ok!

the next day:

ok dinner was great, my homemade pudding rocked, and now i know how to make funnel cake which was so tasty. my boob issue is 95% better too, after much nursing and manual expression.

"nana and pops," as they call themselves, wore rowan out this morning! she played and laughed with them for about an hour and half before crashing hard for a nap... i think we are going to visit matt at work later on, hopefully after lunch out somewhere :).

but back to the subject... about that paranoia re: getting pregnant from carelessness; apparently matt told our friends that he's 'trying to get [me] knocked up again.'

omfgwtf?!

you'd think he would've mentioned that to me first, but no. at least now i know why he doesn't seem to care about being safe... it's funny though, just the other night out of nowhere he said "so when do you want to have another baby?" and for whatever reason i didn't find that strange or get suspicious (as i should have, matt doesn't ask things like that nonchalantly) and i just said "i dunno whenever you do i guess" and didn't even bother to dig deeper. which is so unlike me. but i guess i got my answer, albeit not from the horse's mouth. and now comes the part where we are both ridiculous: now that i know his little plan, and since i am not altogether opposed, i have to continue to seem oblivious and just let things happen. because if i bring it up, or let him know i know his intentions, the pressure is on and it could turn him off the whole idea for years to come. i guess this pushy little spirit hanging around will have her way whenever she is ready, since the biological door will be open.

the only downside is now i will have to take a pregnancy test every month since i have no idea when to expect my period. or when i might suddenly find myself pregnant again. ah, the joys of "natural family planning" ...or lack thereof.*

it's really nice to hear that matt has let go of the whole being-broke-sucks issue, though... he seems to have learned that there are more important things to care about than money. and he loves being a daddy :)



*i felt distinctly pms-like mood swing issues a few days ago, so i assumed i was either pregnant or getting my period... test said no baby, and so far no period either. weird.

unless it's your own! gaaaah!

the other day at work, after spending 10 minutes pumping the 'liquid gold' my body worked so hard to make, i freakin spilled an entire ounce of it all over the counter where i was washing out my pump paraphernalia. i seriously almost cried, but then i realized the hilarity of enacting such a stupid platitude and i didn't feel like crying anymore.

speaking of breastfeeding... i'm going to ramble for a few minutes on the subject. i strongly recommend that any new moms who may be facing a return to work (at any point) start pumping in a leisurely manner as soon as they have milk. i started using my manual pump casually during feeds (baby on one, pump on the other) about a week after giving birth, and right now i have almost 4 GALLONS of milk stashed away in the freezer. we have a deep freezer, luckily, so i have the space for it. but... any anxiety i might otherwise have about how much rowan drinks vs. how much i pump when i'm not at home is completely irrelevant because there is no way we will be running out of milk without several weeks' notice! it makes life a lot easier... in fact, the only thing i really worry about is whether it will ever be used at all.

i think i already addressed my pump (medela pump-in-style) as a super-handy gadget worth every penny, so i'll leave it at that except to say it's fast which is awesome at work. i hope i mentioned our stint with fenugreek previously as well; if not, i will later.

speaking of work... it's actually fine. i'm not freaking out, i'm not stressed, and it's *almost* nice to be out of the house two days a week. except that i miss her. but i haven't cried about it, and neither has she, really--the first day there were some "where's mama?" tears but after that she has been perfectly happy with my mom. which of course i have mixed feelings about (doesn't she need me?!) but really i'm just glad she isn't stressed and she isn't giving my mom a hard time. they have fun together and i get constant updates via skype, which ROCKS. and work even let me do a 1/2 day from home every week, which is even more rocksome. nothing like answering emails from the Dean of Agricultural and Life Sciences with a baby on my boob; ha.

rowan is 10.5 weeks right now, which is insane... she is so cute though. she's gurgling, cooing, squealing, and laughing and it's all just too much for my brain to process. i feel like my head is going to explode from the cuteness sometimes. she still hasn't quite got the hang of sucking her thumb, but it's close. and she has total head control now, and has rolled over once or twice too. ah, the baby milestones. dairy still upsets her tummy though, alas. i just want some ice cream! but she's teaching herself to only wake up once per night around 430, so that's some consolation i guess. she's such a good baby...

oh and this is weird: she's had a little piece of glitter stuck to her head since about week 2, and no matter that i scrub her head every night in the bath, the glitter remains. i don't want to intentionally scratch it off now (though i do wash her without regard for it) because it has taken on some kind of metaphysical significance--no amount of scrubbing has removed it, nor have clothes-changes, rubbing, kisses, or any of the other million ways we touch her head. so now it's kind of become a game to see how long the glitter stays. did i mention we have NO idea how it got there in the first place? nothing she owns has glitter on it. it's utterly mysterious.

about me... doc decided i have "atrophic vaginitis" which sounds really awful but just means my nether regions are suffering from a lack of estrogen (normal while breastfeeding); thus healing is slowed and the tissues are weak and thin, since apparently that area depends entirely on estrogen for health. so he prescribed me an estrogen cream to use... and i haven't yet. the first one was premarin which i didn't bother to fill the rx for, since i already knew it was made from horse hormones and had no intention of putting that anywhere near my body, evil as its production is. so i called and had it replaced with a synthetic version, and now i'm seriously waffling about using it anyway. estrogen is proven to reduce milk supply AND it passes into the milk, so rowan will be dosed too... estrogen affects bone growth, among other things. so i can't bring myself to use it so far and i'm not sure what to do.

thoughts on the subject:
- if my body isn't making estrogen right now, obviously it doesn't want or need it, right?
- i'm terrified of any decrease in milk supply, and yes, there is some systemic uptake even with a topical cream (skin is really good at absorbing chemicals)
- obviously i don't want her to have any excess hormones that i'm not naturally giving her via my milk (and since i can't have dairy--and use organic anyway--as of now they are only from MY body)
- it would be really nice to have my hoo-ha back to normal in terms of integrity thanks to a little dab of cream

so here i sit, continuing not to use it as i vacillate on whether it's worth the risks. blah.

on a somewhat related note, i'm now officially paranoid that i could possibly have gotten pregnant recently, since i have no idea when my period will be coming or when i should consider it "late" since i have yet to have had one in almost a year... and there was some diving without a wetsuit the other day *ahem*. more than once. so stupid, considering one of my best friends has irish twins for that very reason. but whatever, i warned him! now i just have to hope the window of opportunity is still firmly shut and locked... i'd like to enjoy rowan on her own for a while before we have another baby to steal the spotlight!