Showing posts with label grrr. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grrr. Show all posts

37 weeks today

*sigh*

i know i should be posting about the pregnancy, but all i can think about is rowan, lately. i have been rather unpleasantly emotional recently and i think i am mourning our loss of one-on-one time that is soon to come. i feel guilty for having another baby, in part, and in part i just really don't want it to end. i will miss being with just her and participating in every little thing that pops into her head. it makes me really sad that i know i will be only half-there for her basically from now on. it's not fair, it's too soon, I MISS HER ALREADY and i feel so bad for what i imagine is equivalent to abandoning her... this issue is overshadowing everything else for me at the moment. i know i am overreacting but there is a little bit of truth under there somewhere.

in addition, we've been trying out the toddler bed the last two nights, and to say that it has gone badly would be a massive understatement. she HATES it, and works herself into such a frenzy that even after i have given up and put her in the crib, she still cries hysterically for a good long while. i'm not sure what the issue is, as she loves the thing by all appearances... she plays on it, and pretends to sleep, and will lay there happily as long as it isn't bed or nap time. but the point is, i think i am giving up for now. she's obviously not ready and we are both upsetting ourselves for the last few weeks we have alone; over something stupid. yes, i want her to sleep in the toddler bed ASAP but not at the expense of happiness and additional stress in our lives. she's already going to have to deal with an interloper, so i'd rather just keep bedtime nice and easy and put the baby in the spare bedroom for a while later, if i have to. he'll be in our room for 2 months or so anyway... (i sound like i am being really defensive, and maybe i am... this is a sort of failure, i guess, because i am giving up after two days. but right now i just don't have the emotional endurance to let to her wail for any reason or any length of time.)

as for the pregnancy, i don't really know what to say. i'm in my "window" as of today. he's in there, squirmy, and presumably getting ready to move down soon. no, we have no name yet. it fucking sucks.

i'm a little... frustrated... with my midwife also, which isn't really her fault. i guess i expect others to listen and remember things as well i as do, but no one really ever does (save half-a-handful of really good friends over the years). when i explained that i didn't want her to bring an assistant unless she REALLY has to, we discussed having karen--madame doula--serve as assistant since i don't need a coach or advocate for myself with this birth. she was all about it. we specifically discussed who i didn't want to be her assistant--someone i work with and also don't know very well--and she was fine with that. but today, after not showing up to our visit (my fault for missing a "let's reschedule" phone message earlier in the week), she calls me and mentions she wants to bring the very person i didn't want to our next visit since she will be her likely assistant. i had to re-explain myself over the phone and now i feel like an ass because i couldn't phrase it right and i'm sure i sounded whiny. i just really thought i fully explained that i need to have NO OUTSIDERS at this birth. none. unless it's an emergency.

so... add that irritation/guilt/stress to my tears for rowan, and sprinkle it with a little matt-is-cranky-today, and you get a big pot of soupy, sniffly, pathetic rhiannon.

at least i got a nap today.

and this is why it's bullsh*t...

...that the midwives of gainesville will not stand up for themselves and ask more doctors to back them up than just ONE. i have been seriously considering writing an open letter to the OBGYNs in this area to see what happens... there is a lot of drama and anxiety keeping the midwives from doing it themselves, if i understand the situation correctly.

anyway:

New York midwives lose right to deliver babies at home

Closure of hospital leaves practitioners without backing or insurance, driving home births underground

As residents of the world's consumer capital, New Yorkers can have anything delivered to their door at any time. They can have their hair cut in the living room, have champagne and caviar rushed to them on a whim, enjoy a shiatsu massage in their own bed or invite a clairvoyant to predict their future from Tarot cards laid out on the kitchen table.

But there is one thing that is currently unavailable for delivery to those who live in this most can-do of metropolises. Women can not legally give birth at home in the presence of a trained and experienced midwife.

This city of more than 8 million people, with its reputation for being at the cutting-edge of modern urban living, now lacks a single midwife legally permitted to help women have a baby in their own homes. "It's pretty shocking that in a city where you can get anything any hour of the day a person cannot give birth at home with a trained practitioner," said Elan McAllister, president of the New York-based Choices in Childbirth [you may remember her from The Business of Being Born -rhiannon].

The collapse of New York's legal home birth midwifery services has come as a result of the closure two weeks ago of one of the most progressive hospitals in the city, St Vincent's in Manhattan. When the bankrupt hospital shut its doors on 30 April the midwives suddenly found themselves without any backing or support.

There are 13 midwives who practise home births in New York, and under a system introduced in 1992 they are all obliged under state law to be approved by a hospital or obstetrician, on top of their professional training.

St Vincent's was prepared to underwrite their services, but most other doctors and institutions are not, and they now find themselves without the paperwork they need to work lawfully.

Miriam Schwarzschild, one of the 13, is now in the invidious position of either abandoning her clients or operating illegally. "Apparently by taking a woman's blood pressure I am committing an illegal act," she said. She has no doubts about what she will do: she will stand by the six to eight women she helps in labour every month, law be damned. She said she intends to "fly under the radar", but is anxious about what would happen should she be reported to the state authorities. "At any time a nurse or doctor could report me, and once that happens they could go after my licence and shut me down."

Jitters are spreading among the tiny community of home birth midwives. The rumour has circulated that one of them has already been shopped to the authorities by an obstetrician at a hospital where she transferred one of her clients in need of medical attention.

The crisis of home birth in New York city is an extreme example of a pattern found across America. Fewer than 1% of babies are born at home in the US, and in New York that figure is as low as 0.48% — about 600 babies every year out of 125,000. That compares with a rate of about 30% in the Netherlands.

In much of Europe, midwives play the lead role in assisting most low-risk and healthy women to give birth, handing over to a specialist doctor or surgeon only when conditions demand. In the US, that relationship is reversed.

Obstetricians, who are trained to focus on interventionist methods and often have never even witnessed a natural birth, are in charge of about 92% of all cases. As a body, they are fiercely resistant both to midwives – who under the private medical system in America are their competitors – and to women choosing to remain at home.

In 2008 the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists put out a statement effectively instructing its members to have nothing to do with the "trendy" fashion towards home births. Yet despite Acog's stance, and despite the fact that the US spends more money on pregnancy and childbirth-related hospital costs than any other type of hospital care ($86bn a year), the country has the unfortunate distinction of having one of the highest rates of maternal mortality in the industrialised world. Its rate stands at 16.7 maternal deaths per 100,000 live births, compared with 7.6 in the Netherlands and 3.9 in Italy. Britain's rate is 8.2.

On top of that, about one in three pregnancies in the US end in a caesarean section — a product, critics say, of the highly interventionist approach that includes frequent induced labours and epidurals. Amnesty International recently dubbed the US record on childbirth as a whole a "human rights crisis".

Knowledge of these statistics, and of what is now happening to New York midwives, makes Julie Jacobowitz-Kelly see red. She is one of Schwarzschild's clients and is preparing to give birth to her first child, a boy she and her partner have already named Benjamin, whose due date fell today.

She said the current illegal status of the home birth midwives was "a travesty, it's absolutely ridiculous. It angers me that experienced midwives like Miriam are in jeopardy."

That is a view shared by some senior New York politicians, including Scott Stringer, Manhattan borough president. "There are 600 women who are going to give birth in the next year who want midwives with them at home, and to take away their rights and choices is so backwards it's embarrassing," he said.

Midwifery organisations are scrambling to persuade other hospitals to take over St Vincent's role by signing the so-called "written practice agreements" the midwives need to be legal. So far 75 hospitals have been approached; not one has replied.

Meanwhile, a bill is sitting before the New York state assembly that would scrap the system of practice agreements and allow the midwives to offer their services free of the control of obstetricians. But the bill may not be put to a vote at all this year.

"At the end of the day, hospitals are for sick people, and I'm not sick," said Jacobowitz-Kelly. "I'm going through one of the most natural processes women can go through, so why do it anywhere other than the most natural setting — my home."

• This article was amended on 17 May 2010. The original expressed maternal deaths per 100,000 live births in the Netherlands, Italy and Britain as percentages instead of ratios. This has been corrected.

all because one hospital--the only one with the common sense to back midwives--closed.

it's not that there is anything wrong with birth going underground, except that it is a normal human function which we have been doing FOREVER, it's just so fucking pathetic that the medical industry can just bully their way into getting anything they want from the legislature. as i commented on my favorite news site (where i found the article),

"there are so many reasons this is f*cked up.

but hey, at least the powers that be haven’t made it illegal to actually BIRTH a baby in a car, in your home, or wherever it ‘accidentally’ happens… it’s just illegal for a trained professional to attend you and attempt to ensure your safety. as long as you are on your own* as a poor, helpless, laboring woman it’s still legal.

for now.

…as if we haven’t been giving birth sans doctors for millions of years. *sigh*

*(i have heard of husbands/family members being sued for illegally practicing medicine when they attempted to assist their otherwise unattended laboring relative.)"


how long until florida makes midwifery totally illegal, again? it happened in the 90s, and midwifery lobbyists are constantly fighting the ACOG, among other groups, to keep it from happening all over again.

deja f*cking vu.

*sputtering every obscene expletive she can scrounge up*

AHHH! there is nothing more frustrating than finding yourself saying "i knew better, but i did it anyway." yesterday was a shitty day, all around.

first, it was day two of what is so far a three-day headache reaching from my forehead to the base of my skull and slightly down my neck.

then, i didn't have to work, which means 1) no money for that day 2) no chance of repeating the clean catch to verify my alleged UTI 3) no driving to gainesville to pick up things from the old house for the party. damn it.

re #2: no choice but to take the freaking antibiotics which may or may not be linked to heart problems and cleft palate--the study i linked the other day had several flaws, but still. so i got the damned things yesterday and agreed i would take the first dose in the evening. it ended up making me dizzy with a pounding headache that shortly lead me to the bathroom where i proceeded to projectile vomit my dinner, the antibiotic, and two tylenol i took for my headache.

i called the birth center to ask about a certain side effect of the macrobid (some issue with anemia) and found out they had been trying to call me anyway... because they got more records from "Dr. First Birth with Forceps" and decided I NEED A CONSULT WITH HIM TO MAKE SURE I AM OK FOR OUT-OF-HOSPITAL BIRTH! didn't we do this once before? didn't i kick myself in the ass for going? yes, and yes. wtf. this is why i was afraid to use the birth center again--they're afraid to spit without asking His permission.

the reason i have to see him this time is because i was prescribed a blood thinner postpartum at my own request after the traumatic birth i had and much discussion with matt and our hospital midwife. they made me go through a consult with Dr. FBwF last time around because they had no clue about my blood clotting issue; he sent me to the hematologist, who was totally on my side; everybody finally said OK and i got it in writing that nobody was going to make me take any blood thinners unless i decided i want to, because the hematologist said they weren't necessary. BUT NOW, because *I* decided *I* wanted to--not because any doctor told me i had to--they are making me go get another fucking consult with the doctor who already cleared me once before. why why why why why?

now any reasonable person would be saying, "what's the big deal? why are you whining like a kid who dropped his ice cream cone?" how about these reasons:
1) i live 35 miles from the doc's office and it's a huge hassle to get there considering gas is $3 a gallon and my car ain't exactly economy-class.
2) i've already been through this with him, and the last time he tried to tell me i was too high-risk for the birth center, let alone a home birth. i really don't care to hear his opinion again.
3) he was the one who ended up removing rowan from my vagina, and while i owe him in a major, major way for both not forcing me into c-section and skillfully repairing what i am told was an absolutely horrifying mess of a genital area afterwards, my memories when it comes to him are...shall we say...less than pleasant. not interested in seeing him.
4) HIS OFFICE IS AN ABOMINATION. i don't understand how the health department continues to allow them to operate as a business, nevermind a fucking doctor's office! it's dirtier than any wal-mart i've ever been to (as in, pee cups on random counters, no one wearing gloves, grimy surfaces everywhere, crap strewn about, i could go on forever)! his staff is usually rude and unhelpful. oh, and since he is way too busy, he rarely shows up for an appointment within 4 hours of the scheduled time. to call it a long wait is a bit of an understatement.

what really pisses me off is that i am not having to do this because the head honcho (NOT sarah, my midwife) is concerned with my well-being postpartum--if that was the case she could get me the drug i would need; i'm doing it because the birth center doesn't want to get in trouble for not having him clear me. fuck that. at this point, i am so over playing these games with them. she said "just go at your convenience--i know it's not convenient, but do it when you can." so i've decided it's not going to be convenient for me until, hmm, maybe 37 weeks? she can hassle me all she wants, i'm not wasting my time or my emotional peace in his office.

i intend to tell this to sarah, because she deserves to know where i stand on it. we actually discussed the plan for postpartum clot-control at my first appointment and came to a happy agreement that we'd work out an herbal concoction that i can take as an alternative, since i told her flat out i am NOT doing 4 weeks of daily subcutaneous shots in my belly that burn like fire. i will not do it again anyway, so what the hell is the point of me seeing Dr. FBwF? the worst part is i'm sure sarah disagrees with the consult as well, but she can't exactly flip off her boss. bureaucracy totally infuriates me.

so here we are again, just like last time... if the birth center feels they have to transfer me (either for non-compliance or b/c Doc says so), i'm done. unassisted home birth it is. if they can pull their heads out of their asses, great--we'll have a happy home birth with a midwife i love. there you have it.

footnote:
my tarot year puts me at The Devil here in taurus. i just did a little reading up on him, since it's been a while, and as always i am wryly amused at my own fussing now that i see the current situation from the perspective it's been placed in for me. the devil is all about realizing you have the power to overcome your fears and integrating your shadow self... and here i am, seeing demons and enemies all about me, and screaming that they can't get me, when really what i should be doing is wondering why i feel threatened by those who have no power over me. what are they showing me about myself that is so scary?

maybe the deep-rooted self-doubt that fears i can't do it--that birth won't ever work for me the way i so hope it will. that i need help from a doctor or a drug or i will fail again. that's what i need to be addressing, not some dumbass doctor or paranoid midwife's opinions. thanks, devil.

just because you're paranoid...

as if anybody needed another reason to have a non-hospital birth.

no, we don't live in uzbekistan. but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen to us too.

WHEN her baby died soon after delivery, Gulbahor Zavidova, 28, a poor farmer’s wife, longed to be pregnant again. After months of trying she and her husband visited a doctor who told her she could never have another child because she had been sterilised.

The procedure had been performed immediately after she gave birth, by doctors who did not ask her consent. On learning she could not bear children, her husband left her.

“Not a day passes without me crying,” she said. “I was outraged when I found out what they had done. How could they do such a horrible thing without asking me?”

According to human rights groups, tens of thousands of young women like Zavidova have been sterilised without their consent in the authoritarian former Soviet state of Uzbekistan.

Uzbek sources say the measure was ordered by Islam Karimov, the president, who has ruled with an iron fist for 20 years. The policy is aimed at keeping down the country’s poor population — with 28m people, it is Central Asia’s most densely populated state.

Activists say mass sterilisation began in 2003, but was eased after two years following an outcry. It is said to have restarted in February this year, when the health ministry ordered doctors to recommend sterilisation as an “effective contraceptive”. Critics claim every doctor was told to persuade “at least two women” a month to have the procedure. Doctors who failed faced reprisals and fines.

“We estimate that since February, about 5,000 women have been sterilised without consent,” said a local human rights campaigner who fears detention if she is named.

In many cases, doctors opt for delivery by caesarean section and then perform a sterilisation without telling the woman. Widespread rumours of the practice have resulted in women opting for home births to avoid the risk.

Doctors visited Hidojat Muminova, a 26-year-old cotton picker, at home several months ago. They told the mother of two she should visit a local hospital for a check-up, at which she was diagnosed with a potentially fatal cyst in her fallopian tubes.

“They scared me into believing I needed an urgent operation,” she said. “I was surprised as I’d never had any pain but I was worried and agreed to the surgery. When it was over they told me they’d performed a sterilisation. I could not stop crying. They tricked me and treated me like an animal.”

Another victim, Mahmuda Usupova, 30, said doctors had sterilised her after she gave birth to her third child by caesarean several months ago. She learnt she could no longer have children during a visit to her gynaecologist.

Uzbek authorities deny that sterilisations are carried out without consent, but a report by the United Nations Committee Against Torture reported a “large number” of cases three years ago. According to the UN, Uzbekistan’s fertility rate has fallen from 4.4 babies per woman to 2.5 since Karimov came to power.

...

The Uzbek embassy in Moscow insisted that all sterilisations were carried out at the patient’s request and after the woman’s husband had been told of the consequences.

Some names have been changed. Additional reporting: Marina Ivanova, Tashkent



source: times online

caution: pregnancy may be hazardous to your liberty

i don't really know what to say about this, it is so bafflingly appalling and just WRONG... who the f*ck are these people making these laws? do they have primate brains or are they sea slugs in human form?

oh sure, people have rights in america. it's just that pregnant women aren't people... but their fetuses are.

* * *

(full text from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lynn-m-paltrow/caution-pregnancy-may-be-_b_483131.html?ref=fb)

Caution: Pregnancy May Be Hazardous to Your Liberty

Lynn M. Paltrow and Farah Diaz-Tello

While our country stands at a deadlock over legislation to ensure that millions of uninsured people have health care coverage, we can at least feel confident that some state legislators are hard at work, making it more difficult for women to access health care and much easier for states to put them, and the people who help them, in jail.

In Mississippi, legislators proposed a law, HB 695, which would make many forms of midwifery a crime. That is clearly bad for pregnant women and for babies for at least one very simple reason. As the White Ribbon Alliance for Safe Motherhood pointed out after Hurricane Katrina, when hospitals shut down as a result of a disaster, midwives are among the few who know how to deliver babies without electronic fetal monitors, surgical theatres or epidurals. For this reason, the Alliance highlighted the need to protect (not criminalize) midwives who have the skills needed under such circumstances.

When disasters hit, however, it is not only the women who are going to term who are in trouble. As the National Network of Abortion Funds found out after Hurricane Katrina forced abortion providers to close their doors, many women were also left without access to urgently needed abortion services.

If Utah lawmakers have their way, a woman under similar circumstances who attempts to take matters into her own hands could be charged with murder under House Bill 12, the state's effort to outlaw "self-abortions."

Right-to-life organizations have long maintained that if abortion were outlawed, only doctors who performed the abortions would go to jail. But Utah's proposed law ensures that women themselves, and not just those who help them, will be incarcerated for a minimum of 15 years. (Since 61 percent of women who have abortions are already mothers, a woman convicted under this law would, with any luck, be out of jail in time to see her son or daughter graduate from high school.)

Even without such a law, police officers in Iowa recently arrested a woman in her second trimester of pregnancy for the crime of attempted feticide after she tripped and fell down a flight of stairs [emphasis mine]. The county attorney's office dropped the case only after they decided that their unprecedented interpretation of the feticide law should only be applied to pregnant women in their third trimester. But in Utah, the law would expressly apply to pregnant women at all stages of pregnancy. So, if you are pregnant and clumsy in Utah, you could be charged with attempted murder, even in the first trimester.

As a sign-on petition opposing the Utah bill points out, pretty much any woman who suffers a miscarriage or stillbirth and is engaged in an activity that she "should have reason to know" would endanger her fetus can now be charged with murder or attempted murder.

Suffer a pregnancy loss after a car accident you may have caused? Murder. Follow your doctor's advice to treat your cancer despite the risks it might pose to your unborn child? Attempted murder.

Bizarrely, the Utah law has an exemption that protects women who "fail to follow medical advice," but nothing in the law protects women who do follow medical advice. Thus women who disagree with a doctor's advice to have cesarean surgery can't be prosecuted, but a woman who takes prescription medications that may risk harm to an unborn child could end up behind bars.

Meanwhile, in Kentucky, House Bill 136 would create a new crime just for pregnant women. According to this law, "[a] woman is guilty of substance endangerment of a child prior to birth when, knowing she is pregnant, she causes her child to be born" with controlled substances or alcohol in the child's bodily fluids. What that means is that, if this law is passed, it would literally be a crime for a pregnant woman to give birth if the child she gives birth to has any amount of a controlled substance or alcohol in its body.

It is well known that laws which threaten to punish women who carry their pregnancies to term in spite of a drug or alcohol problem place substantial pressure on women to have unwanted abortions. This is because it is hard for people to overcome an addiction quickly (just ask Rush Limbaugh). For pregnant women who face many barriers to treatment, there is no guarantee that they will be cured quickly enough to be sure they won't be arrested if they go to term. Such laws are also known to deter women from care, increasing the risks to maternal, fetal and child health. It would be nice to think that Kentucky legislators did not mean to make it a crime for some woman to cause their children "to be born," but the fact that this law has been proposed over the objections of every leading health group makes us wonder.

And finally, we wonder about Nebraska's commitment to protecting fetuses from pain. Nebraska House Bill 1103 would protect some fetuses from pain by banning virtually all women from obtaining abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy. Although abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy are extremely rare (constituting only 1.5 percent of all abortions), and the doctors who perform them are heroes to the women who need such procedures, this law would make those doctors criminals.

The Nebraska legislators who support this bill claim that after 20 weeks of pregnancy an unborn child is capable of experiencing substantial pain. Certainly, if this is true, then fetuses must also suffer pain from forceps deliveries, internal electronic fetal monitoring (requiring the insertion of sharp metal wires into the delicate fetal scalp) and from chemically induced labor in which the fetus is subjected to repeated, violent maternal uterine contractions and then forced through the narrow vaginal canal. If Nebraska legislators were truly committed to preventing fetal pain, then they should also ban pitocin-induced vaginal births and other fetal-pain inducing delivery techniques and arrest the doctors who carry them out.

The lawmakers supporting these bills claim that they are trying to bar bad things from happening to pregnant women and the unborn. But whatever their stated good intentions, make no mistake, these bills are really about putting pregnant women and the people who support them behind bars.

the weight. and i guess the wait.

i've been hovering at a very uncomfortable 20-pounds-overweight for the last two months or so. admittedly, i have not been "exercising" though i do go on long walks with rowan almost daily, i don't eat crap, and i'm breastfeeing every hour and a half or so. yet here i sit, flabby and heavy.

i don't know why i expected/hoped that bfing alone would help (gee, maybe the 500 extra calories it's supposed to burn?!) but apparently it isn't enough to get me even close to my normal size. as rowan is coming up on 6 months shortly, it's time for me to get my ass in shape. literally.

and then i read this article and freaked out:
if you gain more than the recommended 20 to 25 pounds during pregnancy, or if you don’t lose the extra weight within six months of delivery, you are statistically likely to carry an extra 20 pounds, 10 years later. If you are overweight to begin with, that number is even higher. The six-month window for losing pregnancy weight seems to be critical.
oh. crap. my belly. my thighs. my ARMS for that matter!

i realize that i am not a typical american woman in terms of eating habits, activity levels, etc--i'm pretty good about all of it most of the time--so i'm hoping that will insulate me a little bit from falling into those statistics, but i'm not taking any chances! i'm cutting out coffee (since for some reason it makes me hold weight), starting to juice again, and eating as much raw fruits, veggies, and nuts as i can stomach to the exclusion of wheat and dairy.

i also started the at-home workout routine which i plan to do every night in between putting rowan to bed and making dinner: crunches, leg lifts, squats, lunges, push ups, jumping jacks, etc for 30 minutes. i did it last night and man am i sore today! my legs are w e a k. but that's good, it drove home how soft i have become. alas, for the 10-mile bicycle commute i no longer have...

though i must say i am looking forward to the busy, tiring, sweaty days of moving house, since i always seem to lose weight at those times. especially now that i will have the added stressor of a baby to deal with during packing and unpacking!

i am trying not to whine about it, since i realize it is mostly my fault for not getting on the ball sooner, but it sucks SO MUCH to feel squishy and out of place in my own body. pregnancy was a different matter, since it wasn't really "my" body all that time... it was ours... but now, yuck. i just feel gross and totally unattractive. when i look at pictures of myself from before i got pregnant i can't believe how good i looked (even though at the time i always felt not-fit-enough). gahh! compared to now, i was practically ideal. but oh well.

i will get there again soon. the right way.

baby formula: now with added perchlorate!

remember this? how many incidents does it take within a given time period before people will come to their senses about trusting corporate anything??? explosives chemical found in formula from companies that own 87% of market share.

argh. i share this not to judge--really, i feel for you if you can't/won't breastfeed, i've seen enough to know it can be extremely difficult for some people--but PLEASE do not use the standard store-bought formulas. you are not being told the truth; not by the labels, not by the FDA, and not by your doctor. there is a real PC culture of "let's not offend anybody" that tries very hard to say formula is just as good as breastmilk but the research all shows it's not. (yes, i quote from wiki, because it sums up well--you can and should do additional research if you really want to seek the truth.) your breastmilk was made for your baby, and nobody else. we have a magical chemistry that creates the ideal food for the baby grown in our own body. formula companies can't even approximate "generic" breastmilk; what makes you think they can copy YOURS?

so, if you can't pump your own and bottle-feed it, you should know there are alternatives. just because enfamil sends you free samples and similac was recommended by your doctor does not mean they are your best options if you aren't able to breastfeed. always remember, for doctors and hospitals and pharm companies, babies=goldmine. it's a sick reality that we all need to keep in mind. without births to support their income, hospitals would be a lot less lucrative a business; something like 60% of the average hospital revenue is directly related to labor and delivery.

anyway. i can't just stand by and watch the future of humanity be genetically degraded (i.e. poisoned formula) due to ignorance and misinformation... i say all of this, everything in this blog, out of love and compassion and a desire for betterment in all of us. inform yourself!

and the confidence takes a hit...

*sigh*

i don't want to whine more than i already have--especially since i think i have worked things out in my head already--but i need to document a new discovery or two regarding the birth center.

my two favorite midwives quit. just like that. gone.

there are 3 left now, and one of them is only on call every other weekend (the one i like a lot), so chances are i will be looking at either X or Y... X i have never spoken to and Y is brand new there but i met her today and i quite liked her. so at least that's good.

but i'm feeling conflicted because one of the two "favorite" midwives is starting her own homebirth practice and is more than willing to take over with us. we have to make a final decision about where and how this birth is going to go.

in addition, today at my checkup i learned that there is a law stating that women have to have "hematocrit" levels at 10 or above to deliver in a birth center... mine is 10.9 as of the blood test, but no one thought to tell me there is a REAL consequence to not maintaining it! WTF? i would've bought that iron supplement already if i knew my birth was at stake! so while i am grateful for ms. Y letting me know, someone should have already told me about that. and i found out via our class last night that the same "someone" who didn't mention what hematocrit levels mean also lied--or misspoke?--about the number of attendants who will be at the birth: midwife, assistant, and senior student. f*ck that. it's bad enough i have to have two pairs of hands harassing me, three is just not going to happen. watch how fast i kick her--and it will be a her--out.

and despite all my crankiness at the institution in general, having a home birth WILL be a hassle. we don't have the kind of tub i want, i won't be comfortable with how "up my ass" any well-wishing visitors are (we have no really segregated spaces in my house), and matt will be stressed out trying to host guests and attend me at the same time. and then how to get the visitors to leave? i can't help but wonder if being at home--despite having a midwife i really connect with--might not be worse than biting the bullet at the birth center.

i'm almost, almost to the point where i want to ask her to attend me in-hospital so that i get the best of both worlds... a neutral space with the chick i want and a big tub. but i just know that means i will be opening an even bigger can of worms with the nursing staff and doctors. so that's just silly.

anyway. that's all i'm saying about that right now.

at least little rowan is head-down (as she has been for two weeks at least) and she seems to be lying on the left just like she should. she hiccups a lot and kicks regularly every few hours.

today my blood pressure was 120/68--higher than it has EVER been--and they asked if i was stressed out, i said "YEP" so ms. Y ran a little relaxation exercise on me and my bp dropped to 112/65 which is closer to normal. i'm usually 90/60 so it's still high, but nothing to worry about.

matt's mom arrives tonight (gods only know when), i have to get ready for this party tomorrow and possibly bake a cake, i have to print and ship a couple of shirts, buy supplies, and somehow manage to RELAX before tomorrow morning. i want to be peaceful, calm, and happy for the party. i think i may escape to my parents' house tonight just to ensure i get quiet time alone in a bath to chill out. i am excited about the gathering, i just need to get in a good state of mind. like has been kinda stressful lately... but things seem to be working out well regardless.

emotional

man, this is ridiculous. anytime i am tired, hungry, sore or otherwise not completely content i am at risk for having an uncontrollable emotional outburst. and i'm snippity.

we had a really bad morning today. matt was nice and awake earlier than he needed to be, but still in bed, and when it started to get late and he was still lounging, i got cranky really quickly and things just went downhill immediately. i got mad and he got mad and then i felt bad and didn't want to argue and started crying and couldn't stop. it's so stupid. i could've avoided that whole interchange if i had said ONE thing differently. but it just popped out.

so not only was i in-tears and puffy-faced, i was also 10 minutes late to work. fantastic. i really hate daylight savings time.

AND--some crap with family members is really getting to me. my parents--well my mom, at least--generally likes the name we chose--i'm not sure what my dad thinks--and my sister and her husband were really into it, even said it's "really pretty"... but my grandparents are being difficult. kinda shitty, in fact, which is highly unusual considering they are always supportive and understanding of my random strangeness. my grandmother called me the other night, ostensibly to discuss high-chairs; she was basically trying to dissuade me from wanting the one i really wanted by telling me it would get all smelly and moldy "really quickly" and then suggesting i get a stainless steel version instead (which i have never seen before). now, i completely understand her perspective and appreciated her advice and insight, but i know how to take care of wood. i am married to a carpenter. so i told her that i was glad for the insight but i definitely wanted that one, and she said she was going to get it for me despite sounding highly disappointed that i didn't change my mind. no big deal, really.

then she starts asking me (the actual reason for calling) "where did i get the name rowan from?" so i explained a little bit ('it's a tree with some nice mythological history') and then it really started. she didn't mean to, really--she wanted me to change my mind but she wasn't actually intending to be offensive--but she hurt my feelings quite a bit during that conversation. it took us SO LONG and a lot of difficulty to settle on that name, and frankly it's perfect, so i don't give a s*** what anyone else thinks, but geez... here are some of the things she said, verbatim (and keep in mind i am naming the little girl after her! a little gratitude wouldn't be out of place):

"i just don't get it"
"it doesn't sound like you and matt, i don't think of you with a girl named rowan"
"it sounds like a boy's name"
"it sounds like you're rowin' evelyn down the river!" (nice, huh?)
"grandpa says he's going to call her 'rep' [R.E.P.]"
"they're going to make fun of her at school, just wait" (good thing she'll be home-schooled...)
"it just doesn't fit you, i don't get it"
"i really liked lily, what happened to that?"

...to which my response, each time, was either silence, "hmm," or "you can call her whatever you want." and she just didn't get the fact that she was upsetting me. or she didn't care. it sucked.

then last night she called again, ostensibly to apologize FOR THE HIGH-CHAIR CONVERSATION, afraid she had been too pushy and hoping she hadn't upset me about that. ummm... ?? no, i appreciated her input. no mention of whether she had upset me about the name thing. so she's apologizing for the stupid high-chair thing and then--the real reason she called--went on to tell me about the crazy coincidence that her mother's (evelyn's) husband's mother's name was lily and how crazy is that? again with the name. as if all of a sudden, in light of that new information, i would say "hmm, you know, lily it is! nevermind if matt hates it!" it felt kind of like salt in the wound. not only had she NOT apologized for what really upset me, she actually kept making it worse. i couldn't believe it. i think one family name is plenty for me.

on top of that, i am quite sure matt's mother--if she even knows about our choice--hates it. so while i am standing my ground firmly with my family and, though hurt, not caring what they say, matt will almost certainly have a bee in his ear about it too. whether he ignores it or not is anyone's guess. so i'm trying not to worry that we will end up changing her name, because i really love it.

rowan gets to be her own individual and hopefully will not ever have to share her name with anyone she knows. that's all i want for her when it comes to a name.

new link in the list: NOHARMM.org

i noticed i never wrote that post on circumcision that i was planning on. i guess now is as good a time as any (odd since i'm having a girl, but whatever).

as a non-disclaiming disclaimer: i am not going to pad my words in this post. this is what i really think, and it's a subject about which i have spent a lot of time thinking, and i feel very strongly about it. i'm going to say what i want to say, and without intending to offend anyone, i'm sure i will. i'm sorry about that--i promise i am not judging YOU or your personal decisions, i am only sharing MY feelings on the matter. on a similar note: i STRONGLY believe in parental rights, so alas, it is the parents' choice what to do with their helpless offspring; one hopes the parents have enough compassion to be open to the best interests of the child, but if not, it is their right to decide nonetheless. i do not believe in any state or federal intervention between parents and children unless abuse is apparent (the legal definition of "abuse" then becomes the problem, but that is a whole other issue that doesn't need to mix itself up in here).

so off we go... on circumcision.

"...an intact body is a universal human right." NOHARMM.org

opening question: would you circumcise your daughter? then why your son? it. is. the. same. thing.

we take a perfectly healthy infant and remove a functioning part of his body. a part that he would--by all accounts--be better off for having, both physically and emotionally.

first of all, WHY?
historically, we are told the reasons for circumcision are basically hygienic. we have been taught that uncircumcised penises are dirty, dangerous, and difficult to care for. medical research shows that none of the above are true; the most common problem with intact foreskin later in life is "phimosis," which affects 2% of intact males, on average, and can be treated almost 99% of the time without surgery. so the fear that "it will have to be done later anyway" is medically unfounded. the idea that uncircumcised men spread STDs more easily has also been disproven. as for difficult to care for--please. even if it were true, which it isn't, are we now using laziness as a good reason to perform unnecessary surgeries on infants?

in fact, almost all circumcisions are performed for religious or cultural reasons; i.e., conformity of the child to the "norm" to which the parents are accustomed. i can't find the link now but i read (many times in various places) that women who were polled and said they were more likely to circumcise their sons admitted it was because of THEIR OWN SEXUAL PREFERENCE. part of the poll was also to ask whether they had been with an intact male or not--those who had were less likely to have their sons circumcised. that's what you call fear of the unknown; thus, the "cultural" reasons for most circumcisions. it's bad enough that most are done out of ignorance--the idea that women are molding their sons' bodies based on their own sexual ideology borders on twisted. what right would a father have to give his daughter breast implants because it was HIS preference in women?

in the 1800s and 1900s circumcision was performed (almost exclusively) as a means to curb the prevalence of masturbation in children. yes, the reason most men in the US are mutilated is because of the victorian mass-hysteria and fear of sexuality which literally altered the perceptions of the medical community through the 1920s and on.
Dr. E.J. Spratling, who promoted this surgery by telling his colleagues that "...circumcision is undoubtedly the physician's closest friend and ally..." prescribed in 1895 the method of circumcision as it is practiced in hospitals today.

"To obtain the best results one must cut away enough skin and mucous membrane to rather put it on the stretch when erections come later. There must be no play in the skin after the wound has thoroughly healed, but it must fit tightly over the penis, for should there be any play the patient will be found to readily resume his practice not begrudging the time and extra energy required to produce the orgasm... We may not be sure that we have done away with the possibility of masturbation, but we may feel confident that we have limited it to within the danger lines."
(E.J. Spratling, MD. Medical Record, Masturbation in the Adult, vol. 48, no. 13, September 28, 1895, pp. 442-443.)
doesn't that make you feel good? today's medical practice is informed by a bunch of erotophobes with the misperception that masturbation made people sick and degenerate. mutilation of the body was considered an appropriate response to "dangerous" (natural human) behavior. and here's a telling gem:
"A remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment. In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement."
(John Harvey Kellogg, M.D., "Treatment for Self-Abuse and its Effects," Plain Fact for Old and Young. Burlington, Iowa: F. Segner & Co. (1888). P. 295) [yes, like kellogg's cereal. that's him.]
so the POINT is for it to be painful and traumatic, in order to create lasting associations between sexuality and pain, with pleasure as a bad, scary, and ultimately traumatic experience. you are bad for wanting that, and you will be punished. if you have been circumcised, the punishment is lifelong. (by the way, carbolic acid is phenol, the numbing agent in chloraseptic spray. why numb the girls and mutilate the boys? it doesn't make sense...)

the american association of pediatrics has stated as of 1999:
"Existing scientific evidence demonstrates potential medical benefits of newborn male circumcision; however, these data are not sufficient to recommend routine neonatal circumcision [emphasis mine]. In circumstances in which there are potential benefits and risks, yet the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child. To make an informed choice, parents of all male infants should be given accurate and unbiased information and be provided the opportunity to discuss this decision."
when you have babies, if you haven't already, let me know if you are presented with "accurate and unbiased information" (or any information whatsoever) on circumcision before they ask you on delivery day what you want to do. if they ask at all.

some physical consequences of circumcision, or What Is Lost
1. The frenar band of soft ridges--the single most pleasure producing zone on the male body. Loss of this densely innervated and reactive belt of tissue reduces the sensitivity of the remaining penis to about that of ordinary skin.

2. Approximately half of the temperature reactive smooth muscle sheath called the dartos fascia.

3. Specialized epithelial Langerhans cells, a component of the immune system.

4. An estimated 240 feet of microscopic nerves, including branches of the dorsal nerve.

5. Between 10,000 to 20,000 specialized erotogenic nerve endings of several types, which can discern slight motion, subtle changes in temperature, and fine gradations in texture. This loss includes thousands of coiled fine-touch receptors called the Meissner's corpuscles - the most important sensory component in the foreskin.

6. Estrogen receptors the purpose and value of which are not yet fully understood.

7. More than 50% of the mobile penile skin, the multi-purpose covering of the glans, that shields all of the specialized penile skin from abrasion, drying, and callusing (by keratin cell layering), and protects it from dirt and other contaminants. The debilitating sexual consequences of keratinizing the glans have never been studied. [this is when the head of the penis becomes more callous--less sensitive--over time in reaction to constant exposure and stimulus with clothing]

8. The immunological defense system of the soft mucosa, which may produce antibacterial and antiviral proteins such as lysozyme, also found in mothers milk, and plasma cells, which secrete immunoglobulin antibodies.

9. Lymphatic vessels, the loss of which interrupts the lymph flow within a part of the body's immune system.

10. The frenulum, the very sensitive "V" shaped web-like tethering structure on the underside of the glans; usually amputated along with the foreskin, or severed, which destroys its functionality.

11. The apocrine glands of the inner foreskin, which produce pheromones—nature's powerful, silent, invisible behavioral signals to potential sexual partners. They contribute significantly to sexuality. Their loss is unstudied.

12. Ectopic sebaceous glands, which lubricate and moisturize.

13. The essential "gliding" mechanism. If unfolded and spread out flat, the average adult foreskin measures about 15 square inches, the size of a postcard. This abundance of specialized, self-lubricating mobile skin gives the natural penis its unique hallmark ability to smoothly "glide" in and out within itself—permitting natural non-abrasive masturbation and intercourse, without drying out the vagina or requiring artificial lubricants.

14. The pink to red to dark purple natural coloration of the glans, normally an internal organ, like the tongue.

15. A significant amount of the penis circumference because its double layered wrapping of loose foreskin is now missing making the circumcised penis defectively thinner than a full-sized intact penis.

16. As much as one inch of the erect penis length due to amputation when the connective tissue is torn apart during "circumcision." This shared membrane tightly fuses the foreskin and the glans together while the penis develops. Ripping it apart wounds the glans, leaving it raw and subject to infection, scarring, and shrinkage.

17. Several feet of blood vessels, including the frenular artery and branches of the dorsal artery. The loss of this dense vascularity interrupts normal blood flow to the shaft and glans of the penis, obviously damaging its natural function and possibly stunting its complete and healthy development.

18. Every year boys lose their penises altogether from botched "circumcisions" and infections accidents happen. They are then "sexually reassigned" by transgender surgery and must live their lives as females.

19. Every year many boys lose their lives from the complications of medically unnecessary circumcisions. The cause of these deaths are a fact the billion dollar per year circumcision industry willfully obscures and conceals.

20. Although not yet proved scientifically, there is considerable new evidence that an incomplete penis loses its capacity for the subtle electromagnetic "cross-communication" that occurs only during contact between two mucous membranes, and which contributes to the perception of sexual ecstasy. In other words, medically unjustified foreskin amputation of boys ultimately diminishes the intensity of orgasms for both men and women!
"The fundamental biological sex act becomes, for the circumcised male,
simply satisfaction of an urge and not the refined sensory experience
that it was meant to be."
Falliers, C.J. Circumcision. Journal of the American Medical Assn., vol. 214, 1970, pp. 2194-2195
(i don't know about you, but i mourn for our men. it makes me SO SAD to think what they have lost--and what we have lost through their loss--and can never get back. deep down i feel this is truly an explanation for much of the difference between men and women's expressions of sexuality. circumcised men have no choice but to be rougher, less sensual, and more to-the-point... their equipment is irreparably damaged and dulled, ON PURPOSE. removing the most sensual part of someone's body is unforgivable and at least equivalent to the rape of a virgin... the most intimate thing, both in concept (as pleasure) and material (as flesh), stolen before he even knows what it is or what it means; and he will never get it back. there is no justification for that in my eyes.)

i cannot even begin to address #18. it is true--look it up yourself.

a few other issues to consider
so. there is no proven medical reason to circumcise babies routinely. and just knowing what it does to them physically, there should be no religious or cultural reason good enough to override that.

for a long time (and even still, sometimes) doctors told parents "babies don't feel pain" because their memories are not developed enough. i'm sure that would make me feel better, watching my newborn son screaming--and in some cases they stop breathing from shock--and betting on the fact that it's ok because 'he won't remember it.' except i know already that my still-womb-bound daughter recognizes my voice, so she must have a memory, mustn't she? mothers report a loss of bonding attachment and difficulty breastfeeding after circumcision (still searching for that link), and if we think for a moment from the infant's perspective, even if it is a purely emotional one: your mother, your world, has failed to protect you in the most basic way. your body has been violated and mutilated. you are in pain; you are no longer whole. would you continue to trust mother to protect you any longer? would you trust anyone ever again? perhaps this is why so many men harbor unconscious rage towards their mothers... as Marilyn Milos, Founder and Director of NOCIRC says, "Circumcision is where sex and violence meet for the first time."

maybe your son will come to resent the decision you made for him when he was a helpless child (assuming he is even aware of it). according to a 1996 study, "among the 46% of men circumcised in infancy with a definite opinion about their genital condition, the ratio of happy to unhappy men was 50:50. The ratio of men happy to be intact versus those who were unhappily intact was 31:1 (97% vs. 3%). The lowest satisfaction rate was observed in those circumcised in infancy."
"I'm left with a sense of impotence and powerlessness and a fear
about the power of others to hurt me grievously." NY/1930
i hope people bother to wonder what men think about their circumcisions before doing it to their own babies.

by the way i didn't really go into the many (many) ways that a circumcision can be botched, permanently scarring the man in minor to major ways--plenty of which he might never realize are the result of the procedure, and not a "natural defect" in his body. here is a site with photos and links to more.

conclusion
if you go through the links i put in this text you will find a universe of information from doctors, lawyers, researchers, men, and even women on both sides of the fence. do what you have to do, but do it with a fully informed conscience so that if you are ever asked by your child, "why did you do that to me?" you can answer with more than, "uhh..." seriously. we are talking about amputation, after all.

for me the only truly important question is, "whose body is it?"

and then suddenly a bit of timeless wisdom from my grandmother's refrigerator pops into my head:

if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

the nerve!

ok this doesn't have a whole lot to do with pregnancy or babying BUT in a way it does. today i had this ridiculous meeting with some of our off-campus colleagues (who generally make my life more difficult by not understanding their relationship to our academic departments), and during the meeting this one lady that i work with a lot, but whom i've never met in person, made a comment to me about how she "thought you would be much more mature, and older, but you're just a kid!" *choke*

a fucking KID? i looked at her dead on and said "i'm 27." [read: "yeah, i thought you would be a fat, middle-aged redneck but really you're a shriveled, old, scrawny dyke. who knew?"] her response: 'well you look young.' umm... thanks? or fuck off? i'm not sure which is more appropriate anymore.

i'm practically a mom for god's sake! calling me a kid. it was very offensive. i guess everyone with tattoos is 16 and childish. didn't you know, tattoo ink is the actual fountain of youth? best kept secret of all time. like that acai berry diet all the lobotomized barbie dolls are doing.

ugh.

do. not. piss. me. off.

8:26 AM by rhiannon 0 comments
things that make me REALLY mad these days:

stupid people
inconsiderate people
annoying cats
food that isn't in my stomach
food that is in my stomach
drivers
bikers
pedestrians
clothes that are too tight around my belly and make me look fat
my car
checkout lines
loud noises, like anything on 103.7 or 100.5 FM
coworkers who keep asking if there is anything they can help me with
annoying cats, again
my car, again

this morning i was in a screaming, tearful rage that matt didn't wake up to drive me to work. the fog was so thick it might as well have been raining! so i drove myself (with an expired tag and a brake light out) and had to fight with my car not to the stall the whole way in. and now i am parked illegally. yay!

yes yes, he has sleep issues and never wakes up on time, it's a lifelong condition, i know, but it doesn't really matter to me right now. i needed help and didn't get it! fuck! i hate everything!

especially stupid fucking hormones!!

*&#$ work!

my boss is S U C H a bitch! it's unbelievable. i can't get into the subtleties of our conversation, but here are the main bullet points:

1) she's asking a 9-week pregnant woman how long i will be on maternity leave
2) she's bitching about she will have to cover for me "while [i'm] out"
3) she's asking a 9-week pregnant woman what i am going to do about child care

my responses:
1) i don't fucking know. (read: forever, you bitch, deal with it)
2) no comment. (read: i hate you! have fun!)
3) i don't fucking know. (read: i am going to raise my own child as was intended when it became implanted inside my body)

so this really pisses me off, because now she's asking and i am forced to lie. i hate lying. i'm no good at it and it makes me horribly uncomfortable. but unfortunately i can't tell her the truth or she might possibly fire me which would mean i'd lose that lovely zero-deductible insurance plan. i'd really like to be able to be honest and tell them ahead of time that i'm leaving, so that they have more time to find a replacement, but she is such a psychotic, controlling harpy that it is NOT in my best interest to be honest. i resent that sooooo much.

and on top of the absurdity of her even thinking i have any clue as to my post-partum plans (despite the fact that i do, by sheer luck), she approaches EVERY conversation with me in this "i know everything about everything and you are just a stupid child" attitude that i am so fucking sick of. i swear her ego has inflated itself to unsustainable proportions... as my favorite co-worker says, "she's just a glorified secretary." and it's funny because it's true. ms. queen of hell is not, in fact, in charge of anything but three relatively-submissive women who all hate her. so even as i pity her pathetic excuse for a career and self-image, i have to bend my speech and actions around her in order not to bring shit down on myself. it's such a bullshit system.

i cannot wait to get out of here! thanks, little bean. you will save the day sometime.