september mama

though i should correct my title and call it... "more lactation," to be accurate. i'm still producing milk, though only in tiny amounts. liam is still nursing, though not often more than twice a day (and really only for comfort). but, i have been watching him closely and there were several times yesterday where he crawled over to me, climbed my legs and asked me to pick him up because he wanted to nurse. i also noted his disappointment when all he got was a few drops. so: he is not ready yet. and neither am i.

call it last baby syndrome or whatever you like, he's not even a year old and we still have time for him to be a baby a little bit longer. (don't worry, i am not one of those women who never lets 'the baby' of the family grow up; i just want to enjoy him a little bit longer until he is ready to grow up.) rowan's last nursing experience was on mother's day 2010, a week before her 1st birthday, and she never batted an eye... i am sure i will know when liam is ready.

all this to introduce the goal of seriously increasing my fast-waning milk supply for the benefit of the breastfeeding relationship. it's only partly about the milk production, as he eats any/all food and quite enjoys the raw milk from our grass-fed jersey cow that i give him. so: on with it.

my only genuine concerns--which are quickly brushed aside in favor of enjoying liam's infanthood longer--relate to the sex drive which has finally started to return and to the weight which has finally, slowly, begun to come off in proportion to the drop in milk supply. but a few more months won't kill me (or matt).

i am linking some relactation resources in my stash (see right) but these are the basic guidelines under which i am working (this may be different depending on situation; my baby is older and we have been full-time nursing since birth):
1) pump or nurse every 2-3 hours on the dot - they say 15 or 20 min, but i'm doing 10 because i will primarily be pumping at work
2) after a few days, add in the fenugreek for an extra boost. 2 pills 2x a day.
2.5) eat lots of oatmeal, which i already do. it can up supply by a surprising amount.
3) remember that the menstrual cycle* will create a varying supply over the month!


i officially started this morning, so i can look forward to work days filled with intermittently locked doors, awkward and slightly paranoid undressing in my "office," and shared refrigerators containing bottles of breast milk that freak out coworkers. ah, motherhood. whatever, it's worth it.


*right, i never mentioned this. i got the first monthly visit when liam was 7mo. remind me to post about it re: IUD...

i'm going to make a conscious effort to write regularly now. for my own sake, so that when i want to look back i actually have something to look at.

liam is fully mobile lately, and stands up every chance he gets. a few days ago i caught him as he pulled himself to stand next to rowan's bed, then grabbed a toy and did it with no hands! i'm thinking he will be walking before his birthday... i've been experimenting with letting him swim underwater, since he seems to have no fear of the water and can hold his breath when dunked.

rowan is still anti-potty for the most part, but she is getting enough cognitive ability that i think i'm going to start pushing her a little bit more. as for swimming, a few weeks ago she fell off the top step in my parents' pool, and came up without choking (meaning she had held her breath)... she cried for a few seconds but i made a huge fuss about what a big girl she was for swimming all by herself, and the tears turned into pride pretty quickly. but she still doesn't want to leave the steps. she is going to be a lot more work in terms of encouraging her to take risks. liam will be the total opposite, ha.

matt received a shift change as of tomorrow; he'll be working 4pm-12am with tues/wed off. that is going to be... interesting. on the days i'm home, he will be trying to sleep in until 10am or so with the kids running around (after waking up at 630am). on days i work, i won't really see him at all. i have to say i am rather looking forward to some 'alone time' in the evenings, in which to knit, or work on computer stuff, or just not cook dinner... but it will be weird to go to sleep without him almost every night. weird and unpleasant. i hope it works well for him in terms of getting things done at home, though. he used to be a total night owl, so maybe this will be comfortable for him after the initial adjustment period. we should theoretically save a bunch of money on movie rentals, too, since we will only have two nights per week in which to watch something uninterrupted. we'll see. soon enough it will change again and he'll be on 12-hour shifts... then i will really never see him. sigh.

some milk production drama happened but i don't feel like explaining it; butters is doing well and we are getting a gallon a day. our chicken situation, however, fucking sucks. all our adults were killed (but the ducks remain unharmed). the babies that i mentioned in the last post died--9 of 12 of them--of a sickness which is apparently highly contagious and re-infectable. so i can't keep the 3 who survived, because they will pass it on to any new birds we get. wtf. so right now i technically have no chickens, and it sucks. (as soon as i get rid of these 3 i will be ordering some new chicks.) i do have a batch of 9 eggs incubating, and if i can believe what i see while candling, they are all developing nicely. i'm excited about that because those were the last few eggs from our now-deceased chickens, so i'm glad to potentially have some progeny of the good birds. i'll be ordering chicks to arrive about the time the eggs are due to hatch (july 19).

speaking of milk production, work has ruined mine. i was doing great, pumping 6-8oz at work and nursing plenty... and then suddenly shit went to hell. i'm not really sure how/why. but i know that liam gets bored nursing (let-down too slow lately) and wants an instant-gratification bottle and i am failing miserably at pumping ever, let alone regularly. i started taking fenugreek but so far all it has done is make me smell like syrup. not necessarily in a good way. i was reading up on relactation, though, and it sounds like if i just stick with a 2-hour nurse or pump schedule for a week or so i should be fine to reestablish supply. i wouldn't even care about weaning except that liam is clearly not ready to stop sucking milk out of things, so i would prefer that it be me if that is the case. granted, i am giving him homegrown raw milk in those bottles, and he eats food abundantly, but since he wants to nurse i need to be able to provide the milk. trouble is, bottles are so EASY; plop him in bed, hand him a bottle, and done. none of this 'baby is sleeping in my arms gotta slide him gently into bed without waking him" frustration. laziness prevails despite the best intentions, sometimes.

what else? my new niece, aria, is adorable and growing very fast. kai has been given the 'a-ok' by several doctors, including his ophthalmologist, which was a surprise. he is normal on all the scales, and will grow out of whatever slight delays may be holding him back. it's shocking, frankly. i realize there may be emotional/behavioral differences that surface as time goes on, but apparently hope is strong. if i had to compare him to rowan (speechwise), i would say he is where she was at about 13-14 months (he is technically 19.5 months now), just starting to use understandable words. he's a sweet little kid and has so far been very good with his baby sister.

the grapes are starting to ripen on the vines in the yard...

well, something was definitely happening. we had a baby that night!

the facts:
i asked debbie to check me around 530pm and i was dilated to 3cm, and by about 630pm i was having contractions enough to make me pause and breathe while i made dinner. we ate, and by 730 i was in bed coping and trying to rest. i'm not sure how long i was there before i felt like i had better get in the tub, but labor was for real so i called debbie and we agreed she'd give it a little while and then leave (she lives over an hour away!)... and i got in the bath and never got back out again. matt called karen and my mom at some point, too, such that they all arrived at exactly the same time (i'm told it was 9:40pm).

by the time karen popped her head in the bathroom i was in or past transition and had had several "pushy" contractions. there was a definite period where i was falling asleep between them so i assume they spaced out and gave me a rest the way books always say it happens during transition. debbie came in to set up and then went back out for a little bit, and i'm not sure when but shortly after that i told karen to get matt because i was feeling the baby's head in my birth canal! i wasn't sure how fast it would all go, but i knew he needed to be there asap... after a few more pushy contractions i told them to let my mom in too, and then all of a sudden he was crowning. it felt like it took forever for that to end... it was intense... but as soon as his head was out the rest of him came on the next push. straight into the bath and up into my arms and it was over. he was born at 1042pm on september 29. 7lb 12oz.

my reflections:
first, debbie was the best midwife ever. i needed no help and she offered none save once; i was struggling to birth his head as slowly as i could--"pushing" is more like holding on for dear life--and she said "take control of it" and that was the only advice or intervention she gave me the entire time she was present. no blood pressure checks, no heart tone checks, no temperatures... she let me give birth without making herself important or necessary for any reason whatsoever. it was amazing.

as for the birth, i got exactly what i was too afraid to dare i could have... despite the onlookers (which is all they were, though matt being there meant more of course) i had an unassisted birth. no one spoke, no one intervened, and i labored alone in the dark in my bathtub the entire time, which was surprisingly short. i think there was an oil lamp and a few candles lit, actually, but it was basically the dark. debbie told me later it was as peaceful of a birth as she has ever seen, and that made me really happy. from my perspective it was thrashing and shouting, but apparently i didn't actually do what i imagined i was doing. i birthed his head leaning over the side of the tub on my knees, and once it was out i sort of flopped backwards to birth the rest of him and take him out of the water. my poor mom, finally allowed into the birth room, missed the birth because of a phone call. she went out to get something for debbie, the phone rang, and when she came back he was out. i think she was pretty upset about it, but i did my best to give her a chance at least.

(my train of thought is a little off b/c i've been writing this for 3 days)

i know that labor technically went from about 330-1042 but for me it was really only the last two to three hours that were "labor" which is so shocking to me since rowan's was a full 17 hours of excruciating contractions from start to finish (thank you very much, castor oil). it wasn't until yesterday, when i really started to process this amazingly perfect birth experience, that i realized just how fucked-the-fuck-up rowan's birth really was. i felt like i had been hit by a truck, beaten with 2x4s between my legs, deflated in the belly, and totally psychotically miserable for weeks after she was born. weeks. after this birth i was tired but normal... like, really, normal. i woke up the next day and was barely sore. i couldn't kegel for months after rowan, and bladder control was a really tough issue--this time, it's like nothing even happened. i am normal. i tore slightly but it was superficial enough to let alone, and it doesn't even hurt; there are some spots that burn when i pee though, so i know there are a few little splits or "skid marks" hiding down there. i'm dwelling on all this because i'm honestly having a really hard time accepting that THIS is what birth does to you: not much! it's not the terrible, traumatic, difficult trial we have all been lead to believe... or at least, it doesn't have to be. i am so totally myself it's almost scary. in the best way, of course.

i'm going to end this here because i have been writing for DAYS and not published yet; time is precious and i haven't had a whole lot of it. despite this, life is surprisingly unstressful and extremely pleasant... i'm really, really happy. rowan is taking it like an angel, too... she loves the baby and has displayed absolutely no signs of jealousy whatsoever. the darling.

anyway, he's calling me. more when i have time, including photos.

so i'm not having "contractions" in general, but the braxton-hicks are getting a bit ridiculous. basically anytime i move, my belly gets hard as a rock and uncomfortable for 20 seconds or so. it's more annoying than anything else, since i can't really move very well with all those muscles tightening up! i just hope this is a positive sign for labor to be soon. i've decided to be ready by tomorrow night... i have a few things to tackle today, then tomorrow will be a doc trip for rowan (way overdue checkup) and a stop at the post office to clear my business responsibilities, and then i'm going to dig in and wait for this baby. nothing else (though i plan to pass the time knitting my nephew's bday present).

thursday is my birthday and i wonder if we'll be weird enough to have 3 generations born on one day, as unlikely as it may be. in my head are those two names i am ready with, one of which will be his assuming matt doesn't pipe in soon. so nothing else should be holding him up after tomorrow. i'm relieved to have all the crap i've been fussing over finally finished!

yesterday rowan discovered mopping. it was really funny watching her squeal with happiness over pushing a (dry) mop across the floor in circles... i think my mom is going to get her a little girl's cleaning set for xmas--just what i need, stereotypes enforced like that. ha! it's funny though, there is a sesame street song called "women can be" or something where these female puppets are singing off-key and with a definite feminist twist about all the things women can be ("women can tame alligators") and rowan hates it. she always wants me to change it when it comes on. but at least i try...

i haven't posted anything about this, but matt is about halfway through the hiring process with the dept of corrections. we don't have a final answer yet but it's looking good; it would be amazing for him to get a "real" job right now. i'm weird about the whole jail-guard thing but matt isn't the type to let it go to his head so i hope it will be fine. we can definitely use the added income and benefits, plus the stability for him... no more hippodrome bullshit/drama.

(i started this post 2 hours ago, and i am now DONE with taking my twink photos and just have to post them! yay!! let's hope rowan keeps napping...)

i realized i am missing a key piece of my "labor supplies" which are all laid out prettily in the bathroom... i have no essential oils in that basket! wtf?? so i'm adding a small thing to my list of to-dos, and that's to make a blend of lavender, ylang-ylang, rosewood, and sage in oil for massage/sniffing during labor. and i need to grab the frankincense resin for burning; it smells so nice and apparently is good for birthing. i am so ready for this. it just occurred to me that in my imagination i am seeing this birth in a very similar way to how i felt about my wedding day beforehand... a big ritual with a lot of significance and forethought put into the unfolding of the actual event (preparing the space, setting the mood, getting myself physically/emotionally ready, looking pretty, etc). it feels the same with this birth. it's the "right" space and everything is working harmoniously to make it something to look forward to... actually, that's it--i'm looking forward to the actual birth and not just the baby. with the wedding, it was all about the event itself, and i guess that's why it feels the same. i imagine this birth as an event in its own right, rather than a way to get a baby when it's over. hm.

i'm crossing my fingers that the weather keeps cooling and the rains subside before he arrives... an outdoor birth is sounding really good lately! :)

little mister has turned himself around (yay!). i'm not totally willing to give credit to the chiro, since *most* babies turn by 32 weeks anyway, but it couldn't have hurt. mister is posterior, however, so we just need to hope he rotates in place or i might be in for a really nasty labor :). but better than breech! last night i put the headphones down below my belly bulge and he went crazy kicking and punching, and i could feel him trying to get down there closer to it. i was playing mice parade, as it was the only happy/pleasant music on matt's mp3 player at the moment. he seemed to have liked it.

sarah was great today, and really glad to hear that debbie is coming by to meet us. i knew she wouldn't be hurt or anything, because i have been up front from the beginning, but i still felt bad... she agreed with my hunch that the BC is just not going to work out for me, though. as soon as i said it she said "that's kinda my feeling too" and i think we were both relieved. so it all depends on what happens monday, i guess.

she did tell me that her supervisor actually wrote a personal note to the OB about me and left it at his office, and she seemed really confused about the fact that i was told to 'go see him and good luck,' as apparently they are pushing for me, and haven't thrown me to the wolves. wtf?! it would seem communication is horrendously broken down between the three of us. but even so, sarah isn't hopeful about his response, so it probably changes nothing.

she prescribed me some serious iron pills for my anemia which i have thus far been unable to bring myself to ingest, as iron has historically freaked out my system (nausea, vomiting, constipation). i know i need to, but i'm just not up for feeling as bad as they make me feel. today she told me that she had a "flash" about me that was really strong, that i should take chlorophyll instead. so i just bought some online--chlorophyll, garlic pills, and a ginger/turmeric combo. apparently chlorophyll is at least as good as iron pills for upping hemoglobin and it has a lot of other happy benefits, like reducing the amount of dioxin in breast milk and making one odor-free (which i will need postpartum--ugh, the breastfeeding b.o. from hell!). allegedly it chelates heavy metals and other wild claims too, but the fact that it's green is good enough for me :). i'll probably start taking some spirulina too.

my concern with this lovely supplement is based on conflicting information. it seems to be an abundant source of vitamin K--which makes blood clot better--and yet is touted as a "blood thinner??" if the latter is true, great. if the former, i might need to be careful... but certainly they can't both be true unless it is a general blood 'tonic' which is a whole different ball game. i bought the garlic and ginger/turmeric for postpartum usage as they ARE blood thinners and i need to be ready to manage my potential for thrombosis right away... i guess i could just eat strong curry 3x a day, but i don't think matt would appreciate it very much, hehe. i also found this site where he says to drink three cups of yarrow (i grow my own!), nettles, and horsetail tea every day, so i'm going to try to do that to. worst case, i will be well-hydrated and have great hair!*

totally unrelated, did i mention i got stung by a scorpion IN MY KITCHEN last night?? holy crap that hurt more than i expected, but at least it was short lived. for about 8 minutes i thought my toe was going to balloon and explode, it was numb and on fire at the same time... and then it was gone. no more pain, no mark, nothing. really weird, and disturbing that he was in my house. it was a big one considering the runts we mostly have here in florida.

anyway. i'm feeling really good about things today, even with uncertainty still looming. it must be because i know what the outcomes will be either way... and the baby is vertex... and i'm ready to deal with whatever he wants me to purge re: rowan's birth. that post is coming soon, i think. gonna go take a bath and muse with birthing from within for a while.

*nettles and horsetail are fantastic supplements for hair growth, shine, and strength.