september mama

well, i am leaking amniotic fluid. apparently that's just what happens first with me. around 315 i got a "real" contraction, felt like i had to use the potty, and when i walked back into the kitchen i was leaking. some of my plug was lost too. so i have been wearing a 'depends'--yes, the old people diapers--since then and there has been a steady leak along with more plug. yum. i've had one or two more real contractions since then, very sporadic.

but YAY! something is happening! he might actually be born on my birthday after all :) :) :)

now to pressure matt into the naming thing when he comes home... luckily debbie is on her way for a visit anyhow so i think i will let her check me for dilation. we'll see.

so i'm not having "contractions" in general, but the braxton-hicks are getting a bit ridiculous. basically anytime i move, my belly gets hard as a rock and uncomfortable for 20 seconds or so. it's more annoying than anything else, since i can't really move very well with all those muscles tightening up! i just hope this is a positive sign for labor to be soon. i've decided to be ready by tomorrow night... i have a few things to tackle today, then tomorrow will be a doc trip for rowan (way overdue checkup) and a stop at the post office to clear my business responsibilities, and then i'm going to dig in and wait for this baby. nothing else (though i plan to pass the time knitting my nephew's bday present).

thursday is my birthday and i wonder if we'll be weird enough to have 3 generations born on one day, as unlikely as it may be. in my head are those two names i am ready with, one of which will be his assuming matt doesn't pipe in soon. so nothing else should be holding him up after tomorrow. i'm relieved to have all the crap i've been fussing over finally finished!

yesterday rowan discovered mopping. it was really funny watching her squeal with happiness over pushing a (dry) mop across the floor in circles... i think my mom is going to get her a little girl's cleaning set for xmas--just what i need, stereotypes enforced like that. ha! it's funny though, there is a sesame street song called "women can be" or something where these female puppets are singing off-key and with a definite feminist twist about all the things women can be ("women can tame alligators") and rowan hates it. she always wants me to change it when it comes on. but at least i try...

i haven't posted anything about this, but matt is about halfway through the hiring process with the dept of corrections. we don't have a final answer yet but it's looking good; it would be amazing for him to get a "real" job right now. i'm weird about the whole jail-guard thing but matt isn't the type to let it go to his head so i hope it will be fine. we can definitely use the added income and benefits, plus the stability for him... no more hippodrome bullshit/drama.

(i started this post 2 hours ago, and i am now DONE with taking my twink photos and just have to post them! yay!! let's hope rowan keeps napping...)

i realized i am missing a key piece of my "labor supplies" which are all laid out prettily in the bathroom... i have no essential oils in that basket! wtf?? so i'm adding a small thing to my list of to-dos, and that's to make a blend of lavender, ylang-ylang, rosewood, and sage in oil for massage/sniffing during labor. and i need to grab the frankincense resin for burning; it smells so nice and apparently is good for birthing. i am so ready for this. it just occurred to me that in my imagination i am seeing this birth in a very similar way to how i felt about my wedding day beforehand... a big ritual with a lot of significance and forethought put into the unfolding of the actual event (preparing the space, setting the mood, getting myself physically/emotionally ready, looking pretty, etc). it feels the same with this birth. it's the "right" space and everything is working harmoniously to make it something to look forward to... actually, that's it--i'm looking forward to the actual birth and not just the baby. with the wedding, it was all about the event itself, and i guess that's why it feels the same. i imagine this birth as an event in its own right, rather than a way to get a baby when it's over. hm.

i'm crossing my fingers that the weather keeps cooling and the rains subside before he arrives... an outdoor birth is sounding really good lately! :)

...might not be the hardest part, but it does suck. yes i know, i'm only 38 weeks and could possibly have another month to go, but it's doubtful. today--and more so right this minute--i feel like he has descended quite a bit. there is an uncomfortable "no" feeling in my pelvis when i try to close my legs and i have developed a distinct waddle as a result... and i have had a few intermittent, painful contractions today. nothing remotely timeable, but definitely not braxton-hicks nonetheless.

i have almost everything i need to do before birth done; the last real thing is to make a batch of lotion tomorrow and then take photos of everything for t.w.i.n.k. and try to get them listed on etsy if possible. other than that, i'm ready. i have chosen two names as of tonight, and if matt won't choose his own so we can discuss it before i go into labor i am ruling him out of the decision-making process and i will sign the birth certificate myself! unless he comes up with something great, which is unlikely but always possible, this boy will be Reid Owen or Liam Wesley. i'm completely torn between the two (baby likes them both).

yesterday was a really crappy day but i'm not going to get into it--mostly hormonal troubles--and today was better. rowan is coming down with a cold, however. she's been sleeping fitfully tonight as a result of her sniffly nose (and probably that other molar that is halfway in!). but as usual, she's in a pleasant mood anyhow and has been totally adorable lately. she learned how to turn around, thanks to her favorite sesame street dance routine, so she walks in these little circles with her head tilted to the side and it's very funny. she's also been really into this monkey doll she has ("oooh oooh") and has been putting him on the potty and helping him put shoes on repeatedly. she seems to have a natural affinity for nuturing... i should mention, though, that she is going through a major MOMMY phase. poor matt has been really making an effort to hang out with her and help out and she rejects him consistently. i try to explain it's not about him--this is totally new and clearly a phase; she has even been doing it to my mom a little bit the few times she's babysat recently--but it still hurts his feelings and makes him think she doesn't care about him. of course that is totally not true, but he wants her to say "daddy!" and run to him when he offers to read her books and she's just not into that at the moment. a few months ago it would've rocked her world, but right now it's all about me. perfect timing, as she's about to have to share my attention with a newborn..! sigh. we've had a few very mild temper flare-ups too, of the sort where she wants me to do X and i won't, so she starts an angry cry and crouches on the ground until i find a way to change the subject. matt suggested this might be the start of the 'terrible twos' and he might just be right. i thank the stars every day that rowan is so mild in general; her "bad" is nothing compared to other kids' i have seen. she's easy even when she's not; i don't have the guts to hope the same of her brother, but i guess we'll see.

this morning we went over to my sister's house and picked up butters' offspring, 18 month old marge (yes, butters and margarine) to take her off their hands; she kept escaping and causing trouble out of loneliness and desire for green grass. so now we have two cows, but only one for milking. and we really think butters is pregnant. we have to get the vet out here to check her out because the last thing i want is for her to calve unexpectedly out in the field... not that they don't do it all the time, but still. i'd like to know if we're getting a new addition! and i think my brother in law is bringing over a few of his unwanted hens to add to our flock too, which is nice. they just have too many and not enough time, so maybe i'll get lucky and one of those hens will go broody in a few months. it is starting to look like i will have incubate the nest of eggs myself, but i'm going to give our hens until friday to sit like i hope they will. also we bred one of the rabbit does on wednesday night so we may have a litter of them next month too! who would've thought fall would bring so many newborns...

i don't actually know if this is "nesting" or just my insanely anal housekeeping standards since moving, but i just now had to be very stern with myself about spending valuable rowan-naptime using cotton balls and nail polish remover to get little drops of dried varnish off the kitchen floor. matt spilled some two months ago and it has mildly annoyed me ever since; i have no idea why i felt like RIGHT NOW was the time to clean it. it's an absurd job and one that can definitely wait--plus he should be doing it anyway! i chalk it up to nesting madness.

a little while ago rowan and i were sitting on the couch reading a book and all of a sudden i felt hot liquid between my legs... a lot of it... and i assumed she was peeing on me... so we got up to change her and then i had about 30 seconds of freaking out because her diaper wasn't really wet! hello water breaking?! panic ensued. thankfully i found a fresh wet spot in the diaper and my soaked shorts definitely smelled like pee, so i'm sure it wasn't amniotic fluid after all. though how she managed to pee around the diaper will never make sense to me. the last thing i want is a broken bag of waters BEFORE i start contracting (again). if it will just hold out until labor starts we'll be fine.

i've been gathering up my "birth music" recently. i find it a satisfying but difficult task, to anticipate what i will want to hear during labor. so i have three playlists: earthy (drum music), loud (tool and stuff i can sing energetically with), and quiet (mostly sigur ros and other wordless/untranslatable ambience). i figure the quiet one will be the mainstay but when i was in early labor with rowan i definitely relied on tool to get me through the nastier bits. suggestions are appreciated :)

at our last visit i told debbie not to bother bringing the birth pool since i have my wonderful bath tub, but i have been rethinking that in terms of: what if it's a really nice day and i want to birth outside? our yard is so private and there are some really nice little shaded areas under the oaks where i think it could be awesome to have a baby. i guess it will all depend on the time of day and the weather--i won't be birthing outdoors at 2am or in 90deg heat--but i'm going to see what she thinks. i saw a birth video once of a woman in a hot tub on a balcony, surrounded by color silks blowing in the wind, and it was absolutely gorgeous. as long as it's private and comfortable, why not outside?

...i just got sidetracked looking up chicken breed stuff. i'm worried big mama was a bad choice for a "sitter" so i may be switching to the australorp since they are supposedly extremely 'broody' (good nesters). now to be sure i know what to do if i have to incubate them myself..!

yesterday really sucked. aside from a lovely visit with debbie, that is. poor rowan was not able (willing?) to nap at all, so she was whiny and cranky and nothing-makes-me-happy--which she never is--all freaking day. and i had stuff to do, which of course she was not having. so she was stressed, i was stressed, and we were both exhausted but couldn't sleep. i had been up all night before that with freakish amounts of energy such that i laid in bed thinking "i should just get up and do stuff" every 2 hours or so. but i didn't, knowing i needed to at least try to sleep... but it didn't make me any less tired yesterday. i was an emotional wreck all day. rowan ended up going to bed around 4pm because she couldn't keep her eyes open, but of course that was really too early, so she woke up frustrated a few times before it got dark out. but she slept through the night after that, to my great surprise.

today is the polar opposite, thank the heavens. she's on her second nap already, and has been cheerful and pleasant and i feel a lot better. i think i slept through the night, too. i've had time to do my chores plus some, get dinner in the crock pot, and even henna my hands and feet. i'm in a great mood.

i've been having some really minor pre-labor signs but they're the kind that can come a week or more before the big day... nothing i really want to get into, but the contractions, energy bursts, and other things are definitely increasing. i just have to make sure not to do anything to disturb the amniotic sac.*

in other news, my morning glories are glorious!! they weren't doing so hot after i twined them up the sides of the stairs; a few strands even died. but now they are back full-force and blooming like mad! so pretty. i wish i had been more successful with the seeds i put in the flower garden... maybe next year.


*the night i had PROM with rowan, i had been deliberately bouncing on my yoga ball in an attempt to start labor. i have always suspected that probably caused the rupture... debbie says i'm probably right. so no trampolines for me, lol.

for the last few weeks i've found myself counting towards my "window" (37-42 weeks) instead of my due date, because i really have a hunch this guy is going to be a september baby. i've certainly been wrong before, but i just don't see him holding on through 40 weeks. he's not like rowan, always taking her time and not wanting to rush things... so my "window" is in 4 weeks.

i had a dream about him the other night, that he came super early--like 34ish weeks or so--"just so we could see him" (but he weighed over 6lbs and was perfectly healthy). i remember saying 'but how are we going to get him back in to finish gestating??' and we realized he wasn't going back, but since he seemed totally fine we decided not to tell anyone he was premature. he was fully dressed and still had the cord attached, and he looked just like my nephew. i assume that was my brain associating all preemies with kai, and using that to fill in the blank of what our little guy will look like. it was interesting though, because with rowan i always had those dreams about her poking through my very-thin belly skin so that we could see her before she was born; with him, he's just popping out early to say hi. I JUST WISH HE HAD A NAME ALREADY!

i'm starting to feel the afternoon sleepies recently, and if i stand up too fast my belly objects pretty loudly. but other than that i'm still normal; no swelling, no aching feet, no arthritis, no waking up 100x a night to pee (though i do pee a lot)... this pregnancy has been really easy. i know i painted the living room at 38 weeks or something with rowan, but even so, this time around i am much less burdened and monstrous than i was. i do have that wretched pain in my butt that tweaks itself every now and then when i move a certain way, but otherwise i feel great.

i don't know if i already mentioned this, but i've decided to attempt to double-produce milk once he arrives. it can't hurt rowan to have breastmilk again (though i won't nurse her--she's a "big girl" and will need all the reminders she can get), and i do have a decent electric pump, so why not? my production before wasn't overwhelming, but i'm going to see what i can do this time around.

she's still not napping despite being exhausted, though thankfully bedtime was fine last night. *sigh* gotta go get her up for the third time this morning...

so poor little rowan is YET AGAIN battling some crazy rash-inducing diarrhea, complete with screaming fits in the middle of the night and lots of messy diaper-changes in the dark. no idea why. but her canines decided not to come in yet and instead she got a first molar(?!) the other day! i'm hoping the diarrhea is just teething, but i'm keeping my radar on.

last night i got bit by a tick! it was really creepy; i'm not a fan of arachnids in general, and i've never been bit by a tick before. had a few crawlies on me once, when we first took in our previously-stray cat neki about 5 years ago, but i managed to get them off before they could get me. this time i had to have picked it up while milking the cow. both experiences were a little bit scarring. i don't mind bugs, as a rule, but little spidery, vampiric black things are on my short list of no-likeys. i'm now on the lookout for any funny symptoms, just in case.

we've been given a bunch of really cute hand-me-down boy clothes from my sister, and a massive bag of cloth diapers that fit newborn-through-rowan-sized babies--yay!! i have enough g-diapers for a little baby up to 14lbs or so, and then some dappies for a slightly larger baby, but bigger than that i have yet to purchase any; we've been surviving off matt's mom's welcome contributions of amazon.com's seventh generation diapers. those are the best disposables. of course as soon as i switch back to cloth rowan gets horrid diarrhea again... lol. i tell myself it's a good refresher for the breastmilk poo-soup that my little guy will offer up soon enough.

i have a lot to do in the next month or so, and i'm starting to get very slightly stressed out about not doing all of it yet. we don't actually have a spare bag to leave in the car, but i am thinking i will sew one up real quick since i do have a ton of heavy fabric available... but more than anything i have a lot of stuff to stock up on for twink as we are going to be vending in the gainesville citizen's coop when they open this fall, and i don't want to have to worry about it with a newborn! i just haven't had time to get cracking the way i want to, and it's weighing on me. i need to ask my mom to take rowan for a day so that i can focus and work non-stop. i'm also wondering what sort of "homebirth kit" i will need in terms of supplies, b/c i need to get that taken care of too. and lots of freezer yogurt and homemade nutri-grain bars for rowan for quick postpartum snacks for her. so much to do, so little time...

at least my babysitting stint is over this week..! i will have a LOT more time soon.


***TMI WARNING*** ***DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW***
i have been having crazy sexual dreams recently, which is basically normal for me in the pregnant state. but last night something interesting happened during a coital encounter that wasn't a dream: i won't say "copious amounts," but a good bit of a strange clear fluid expelled itself from me during the moment-of-most-fun. this has never happened before, and at first i was embarrassed to think it was a result of urinary incontinence, but 1) it had no smell and 2) it was totally clear. then i was worried it might be amniotic fluid gushing away in a very PROM, but again, 1) it had no smell. this morning the sheets--in the wash now--still smelled like nothing and no stain. and i'm not leaking nor has my belly deflated. so wtf was that?? i'm so confused...
***END TMI WARNING***

two good things happened to me last night in my sleep.

the first was that i managed to combat a leg cramp so that it never fully materialized--sounds trivial but those are seriously the worst things ever. not being in excruciating pain was nice.

the second was that i had my first successful complete-birth dream. never had one with rowan, hadn't had one with this guy (or ever in my life, for that matter), but last night it was labor and delivery all the way. there was no pain, however, but i'm not surprised at that. i dreamed that i was on hands and knees and there was a woman with longish blonde hair and sterile gloves catching him. i find it interesting that there was a "helper" present.

i had just finished reading ina may's guide to childbirth and a bit that really stuck to me was this:

"...it is important to face each birth like a bull, with full force, no fear or hesitation, with the attitude that you can do this and you aren't going to hold back. this is your opportunity to feel your power as a woman, inhibitions not allowed." (p. 28)

i started to wonder if my "let it happen" attitude has been all wrong... my conviction that the most important thing is to not be in control, and to flow along on labor's currents, wherever they take me... so i imagined myself psychically charging in like a bull, grabbing birth with both hands and DOING IT instead of passively experiencing it, and it felt so much different than anything i have thought of before regarding birth. it was shortly after this that i dreamed of a full birth, no blackouts or mystery deliveries.

it makes sense to me that this may be the answer to my (typically unspoken) fears that rowan's birth will repeat itself. i was totally passive going into it, and i stayed that way throughout. sure, i fought for the prenatal care i wanted and/or didn't want, and i had tons of opinions about what was supposed to happen or i didn't want to happen, but my deepest attitudes were those of complacency, and in the end i submitted to everyone who told me to do something i didn't want. maybe this time, after all the fighting i am having to do for my homebirth, i really do need a new perspective on birth. why not be assertive, even aggressive about the whole thing, if only internally? as the lightbulb turned on of its own accord in a moment of realization--and lead to an emotionally-productive dream--i'm going with it. i don't think inspiration should be disregarded.

*roar*

man, i thought i was going to squeak by without them this time... but no, i had my first leg cramp last night. i've been feeling them coming on lately but somehow managed to stave off a true cramp until now. they hurt so bad!!

i'm also having trouble sleeping and i'm not sure why. i was up a lot last night, had sweating issues, and slept more lightly than usual. my dreams were also something to be reckoned with, but left me with a sense of relief and gratitude, which is unusual for me... emotional dreams usually mean i end up with residual anxiety or anger during the day. i dreamed that matt and i were not together yet, and i was sort of competing for his attentions with a few other girls (a la vh1 reality shows??), but i was really in love with him and i couldn't deal with the uncertainty. so i finally broke down and told him i was leaving unless he figured out whether he wanted me or not pronto, because i didn't want to watch him flirt with other people. he got really serious and sorry and informed me that we were already married with a child, i was pregnant with another, and he had no interest in the other girls. this was all 100% news to me and i basically just broke down hysterical with relief and a little bit of confusion, but all was well as i suddenly remembered we had a life together. then there was a part where he was upset that i had loved him and not found him sooner, as though he were saying he would've preferred to avoid his previous relationships if he could've. my response was that i didn't know him well enough, and i didn't know i would love him back then... all very strange and retrospective emotional overtones in this dream. i was just SO GLAD to hear him say we were already married. still am.

rowan and i went to poe springs yesterday with a friend and her also-one-year-old, which was fun. rowan had not been to the river yet. we're going again on friday to a more kid-friendly place and i am very excited about it. she's just inches away from walking on her own, so i really hope seeing these other kids doing it will spur her envy enough to make it happen, since i need her to be on her feet before this baby is born!

i think i am going on 25 weeks this friday, and little man is pretty active. still no name, though i brought it up last night so i hope matt is thinking hard too. only a few months left...

so despite all my compliments at prenatal appointment numero uno, i seem to have an 'asymptomatic UTI.' wtf? so lame.

i told sarah i wanted to do another clean catch, because it's possible i contaminated my own sample somehow, but of course i now do not have to work tomorrow (thus cannot drive to gainesville just to pee in a cup) and she said we can't wait due to the amount of colonization apparent on the test and the fact that i've had it for at least a week already. argh! so i'm stuck taking antibiotics now and i am not happy about it. the only reason i am doing it is because years ago when i had a kidney infection it was a result of an asymptomatic UTI... and kidney infections+pregnancy=very bad news.

what concerns me is this research. i know that macrobid is not ok for late-term, and apparently now early pregnancy, but what about in the middle where i am? it's a little stressful.

anyway, that's that. 3 days of yucky pills and a lot of hoping they don't hurt anybody.

in other news, we're almost ready for rowan's 1st birthday! she is an ANGEL at bedtime now, it's ridiculous. letting her cry a bit for just three days made her actually seem to enjoy going to bed! she says 'bye bye' to all her toys before bed and hugs me while i sing to her--things she never, ever did before. and when i put her in the crib she is happy to pet her stuffed animals and calmly watches me walk away. i never would have guessed she would be happier for having been made to cry. i think it must be the comfort of knowing what is going to happen? whatever it is, i am sooooooOOOOoooo grateful that she has sorted out the whole bedtime thing and seems totally at peace with it.

also i finally decorated her room now that we are in the new place (though i ran out of paint with 1/3 of a wall to go), and it's even cuter than her old room! more butterflies, a new arrangement, and the tree has a lot more leaves and flowers... now i just have to sort of hope that the peanut is not a boy, or we're going to have to include some serious bug decor, or maybe some male elves or goblins or something. the extra fairies and butterflies really turned it into a girl thing :)

i get it now.

with rowan, i never had any "real" cravings, or if i did they were not unusual enough for me to question instantly satisfying them... but lately i have been mentally drooling over something i haven't eaten in 15+ years.

beef. red, juicy, filthy, ex-animal flesh. i want it SO BADLY. i have absolutely no interest in chicken or pork, just beef. steak. ribs. oh man...

in all the years i was non-red meat, then vegetarian, then vegan, and now 'no feathers or fur' i have never once desired the taste or nutritional content of a quadruped. it's so strange to suddenly want it; at first i wasn't sure what i was craving, and it wasn't until several nights of looking at matt's steaks and thinking 'that looks pretty good..?' that it became clear i actually want to eat meat. even thinking about poor cows likely mistreated horribly before what i can only hope is a quick death doesn't deter the urge to eat it. it's a physical craving. and it's pretty disturbing.

i've been trying really hard to sublimate the cravings into something else, because i don't want to cross that line (even in pregnancy when i "have an excuse")... but then i think, well obviously the baby needs it for some reason, so i'd better go ahead and do it. it's sort of a dilemma because spiritually (or whatever) i don't want to be a carnivore living off other relatively sentient beings' bodies, but at the same time, doing it even if i don't want to is sort of an equal sacrifice for the sake of my baby. right? maybe i'm just rationalizing.

the fact is, i don't want it, but my body is demanding that i need to eat it. how am i supposed to argue with that?!

ok, i just noticed my last two posts were about fertility charting being awesome and then whoa i'm pregnant... funny, but actually no, i did not get pregnant because charting failed me.

on 12/30 i was in the hospital getting my appendix removed (at the beginning of my cycle). for the next week i was out of it and not taking my temperature at all, and i never really picked it back up, considering i assumed my cycle to be off from the stress of the surgery. nevertheless, i also assumed (you know that saying about ass-you-me...?) that the days on which matt and i were less than careful were well past any likely ovulation date. clearly, i was wrong. perhaps if i had been taking my temperature like a good little girl this would never have happened! but we are ok with another baby, so c'est la vie.

related to this is the fact that my dates are now off since i ovulated at least a week later than my cycle says i should have. will have to address that with whatever midwife i choose to see *and* convince them i do not need an ultrasound to prove it...

i have decided not to go to the birth center for my prenatal care this time. my reasons for this are solid and threefold:
1) i work there, and the space is very different to me now
2) i don't really like the idea of midwives and students knowing every tiny detail of my pregnancy and/or discussing my chart while i'm in the next room
3) i have a deep anxiety about repeating past patterns, i.e., same midwives, same protocols, same place of labor... too easy to let associations take over and create a situation for myself that i do NOT want to be in again.
so, i just have to sit down with my boss and explain. i feel bad, but this isn't the right place for me anymore when it comes to envisioning how i want my birth.

and... not to talk crap, because they are wonderful people and it's a great place to have a baby (if you are normal and lucky), but it really is a halfway house between hospital and homebirth. the setup is so similar to any group practice and i hate to say it, but they are very medically-inclined around here. i realize now that what i want from a midwife is a connection--i want to know that she understands my philosophy and feelings on birth and pregnancy, not just that she is watching my weight and checking my urine for me. the midwives here do a great job supervising and managing their patients' health, but "care" means something different to me.

i shouldn't say this publicly, but if it were up to me i might not even bother with prenatal care. as it is i'm debating bothering with a birth attendant. i've come to realize that the best way for us to have a safe, healthy, peaceful pregnancy and birth is to let nature do its thing and not get in the way. my views have really radicalized since rowan's birth and everything that my sister went through with her son. on the one hand, if she hadn't found out about his birth defect he could've died in childbirth (had he been full-term), but on the other, the problems i had with my labor were all a result of letting the interventions take over (starting with castor oil). i'm coming to terms with the r e a l i t y of the fact that sometimes babies die, and sometimes mothers die. i have to decide what i am more afraid of--the possibility of death or the possibility of never experiencing the ultimate moment of life? they are two sides of the same coin, and to want one means you have to face the reality of the other. i'm working that out.

ideally i will birth in our new home, in my gorgeous tub, with matt only or alone completely, perhaps (probably) with a midwife in the next room being silent and unobtrusive. i am strongly against any observation, touching, prodding, monitoring, etc because it interferes with natural labor and i know that it affected me more than anything else the last time. if i had been left to myself i am sure i would not have had to transfer to the hospital. i didn't feel safe, which is why my body just stopped pushing after two tries. so this time around, i am sorting out how far to take my non-intervention mindset... how far does that extend into the prenatal period? something tells me either i trust myself 100% or not at all. no testing, period.

*but* i will not go into a meeting with a midwife being a stubborn b*tch, so i am remaining open enough to discuss possibilities, at least. if i can't find someone who will agree to my vision and it comes down to desperation, i can always call too late in labor (like after the baby is born) and say "oops," right? ha.

anyway... those are my rambling thoughts. oh and "morning" sickness came on like a freight train yesterday evening. i had to run out of the room where i was putting rowan to bed to projectile vomit. twice. today i feel like soggy bread and my stomach is miserable. ah, pregnancy!

man. 35 weeks. how much longer?! i am in that "ok, i'm done" phase, i think.

[commence whining]

i can't sleep at night for more than 2 hours straight, then i wake up either to pee or because i'm uncomfortable or because something HURTS (belly, leg cramp, finger pain, etc). i've apparently developed pregnancy-induced arthritis in all three finger joints of each finger... not too swollen, but achy as hell, especially in the morning! my feet STILL hurt when i walk or stand for too long, and now it seems like she is running out of room in my belly--she's taken to kicking almost constantly, and there is actual pressure a lot of the time, especially towards the top of my belly. it's not comfortable. oh and when i do wake up at 3am with pain from having to pee so badly, it's nearly impossible to get out of bed. i'm so heavy and so awkward, and just imagine: you wake up, huge belly preventing you from bending effectively, your fingers are so cramped that you can barely open them to lever yourself upright (stomach muscles don't cut it anymore, you need the leverage), your legs are hairs away from intense charlie-horse cramps--the wrong move will set them off--and when you finally hoist yourself up and off the side of the bed, you land on feet that would scream if they had vocal chords because they are so sore and can't take the sudden weight. then you waddle (yes, waddle) on protesting feet towards the bathroom, still feeling the almost-cramps in your legs with each shift in weight, and just hoping the pressure in your stomach and pelvis doesn't burst the baby right out, dilated cervix or not.

this me every night. often multiple times per night. did i say pregnancy was easy?! HA!

[end whining]

ok really it has been, it's just this last little bit that is pushing me to my limits of physical endurance. it could have been so very much worse..!

list of things i am lucky and grateful for NOT having to deal with in this pregnancy:
- excessive or genuine morning sickness complete with vomiting
- stretch marks
- heartburn
- back pain
- cravings for wacky foods
- sweating/temperature issues
- constipation
- hemorrhoids
- "girly infections"
- psychotic mood swings
- severe weight gain

compared to all those totally normal complaints that most people have, my situation doesn't seem all that bad.

i'm quite sure i'm having contractions though... it's a very interesting feeling, and it's definitely low and where it's supposed to be... like a sharp, tight feeling suddenly comes and i almost feel like the baby is moving and putting pressure somewhere or other (but really i think it's that my uterus is tightening around her). i think i might have them a lot at night, because i wake up in confusing pain that i can't make sense of most nights, and then i fall back asleep before i can sort it out. she's moving around non-stop today--i've had a lot of belly discomfort and i can't tell if it's because she keeps moving or if she's moving because my belly is doing something funny.

i had a really annoying dream last night also. i dreamed that i had her, but (again) i realized afterwards that i had NO memory of labor, and i started to get really upset... i was pissed and confused and wondering why i couldn't remember it; i wasn't sure if i had been given meds against my wishes, if we had a c-section, or what happened, i just knew i was unconscious for the birth and i was impossibly upset about it, because it was specifically contrary to what i wanted. and then i realized that i had given birth more than 24 hours ago and they still had her, i hadn't even gotten to hold her yet, and i was completely crushed and infuriated. i couldn't accept that we missed the critical hour after birth because i was unconscious, and i didn't understand why, either. so i was trying to get back to the hospital to get her, and probably to kick some ass as well (she was fine, just still at the hospital for some reason). this was all really annoying because it was a nightmare, and i woke up disturbed and upset... but the fact is even if i DO end up with a c-section i know i won't be unconscious because i will choose the localized anesthesia... i want to be conscious. so what the heck is my subconscious really worrying about? and where the heck was matt??

anyway... so the room is 100% finished! my mom bought us a crib and a changing pad thing, the floors are in, the walls are done, and it all looks fabulous. now all we need is the rest of the house to get done and then she can show up whenever she wants :) good news though! i sold my car AND matt sold his "spare" motorcycle yesterday, so we now officially have enough money to put in the floors we want for the majority of the house. nothing is holding us up from finishing everything, other than time... walls, floors, and we are done! we might actually have a livable, comfortable house before we have a baby. who would've thought...

contrary to my apparent mood based on the last fiesty post, i am e x h a u s t e d . . . i feel like my head is wrapped in wool inside and out. i'm tired and insensible.

i feel fine otherwise, but i seriously need a nap. i even had coffee and it hasn't seemed to help. blah.

i may regret saying this, but here it is anyway: with 3-7 weeks left before it's over, i can officially declare that this pregnancy has been easy. easy with a capital E. my complaints were so minor... and even now, with as much extra weight as i am carrying, i barely feel it.

yes it's hard to sleep this week, yes i have to get up slowly or my leg muscles yell, but seriously--i feel almost normal. and i'm not really all that large, in my opinion. i know every pregnancy is different so i don't assume it will be this easy next time around, but i have to say for me pregnancy has pretty much been a walk in the park.

coming up to the 'due date' i am calm, prepared, and unstressed. a friend commented this morning how amazed she is that i'm not freaking out or miserable as everyone else seems to be at the end of the journey. i just don't feel bad, i don't know what to say. i'd love a nap, but other than that... *shrug*

probably having a "sturdy" bone structure and relatively strong muscles in general helps. i'm not particularly dainty, if you know what i mean. my body can handle the extra weight i guess. i just hope my hips don't fail me--easy pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean easy labor.

*yawn again*

so i think i had a contraction today. it was interesting and unlike the cramps i've been having when i walk too fast or something like that. it was low, where it should've been, and not long-lasting or too severe, though i definitely knew something was going on. it wasn't labor, though.

the past few nights i think i have been having them in my sleep also, actually, because today when i woke up i remember thinking that my internal stomach muscles were really tight and how strange that was, but i was too sleepy to pay attention to it. i wouldn't be surprised if i start having them here and there from now on.

on a related note, i'm trying to think of them in a different light... "contraction" is what happens when we close down, pull tight, restrict, and retract away-from... it's a fear-related action and i don't like associating that with birth, even subconsciously. the purpose of "contractions" in the uterus is to dilate and open the cervix, which is a good thing we should all be excited about. it's opening, expanding, and i think imagining it that way will be much more productive than vice versa.

so i'm seeking euphemisms but none of them seem to fit yet. here's what i've got so far:
- surges
- openings
- rushes
- waves
- dilations

but these all sound really lame. i need a new word for them.

on a related note, i found some totally awesome blogs about english usage that cracked me up. adding to my "random links..."

still pregnant. i've had a few comments lately about how i'm "huge" which i find amusingly odd (and even more amusing because i find them odd)... i SHOULD feel huge--when i see myself from outside i'm shocked--but i guess i've just gotten used to my new circumference or something. i'm actually finally adjusting to the extra weight, i think, though it is really, really hard to get out of bed when i have to pee at 3am. seriously, i wake up and feel like my belly is going to bust open b/c it's too heavy sometimes.

interesting new physical changes... my finger joints are sore, right where carpal meets metacarpal. my feet aren't as sore as they were before and the swelling is noticably less, which is nice. i had a pause in weight gain at my last appt, which is also nice. i'm hoping my body is now refining the heretofore glut of water and fat retention, and letting go of what it doesn't need for labor and breastfeeding! i'm sleepy lately; basic stuff exhausts me and i've actually taken a few naps recently. i need them. over the weekend i had a lovely little t.w.i.n.k. party from 1030-1pm and by the time it was over i felt wrung out! i'm still on a fruits-and-veggies kick too, and loving it.

last night matt put the new floors in the nursery and they look SO GOOD! as cheap as they were, i love them. and it only took him an hour or two to install them... tonight he finishes the trim and we are all set, 100% finished with her room. he also said he's going to paint some birds on the wall, which i'm really excited about. it's the first interest he has shown in decorating her space... apparently he has a grand idea to paint a flock (yes i know the word is really "murder" but i'm euphemizing) of crows flying across one of the corners. it should look neat if he actually finds time to do it.

and i have lots of people emailing me about my car, so i think it might actually be sold here any day now. it's great! as soon as we sell it we're going to buy enough of the same flooring to do the living room, dining room, and hallway. i did the math and it looks like less than $750 will cover the whole thing. *excited*

the only obstacle still holding us up is the drywall in the living room, and it is the bane of my existence at this point. all i want are the walls to be done, NOW. so i'm going to talk to him about the plans for this weekend, and if he's too busy, i may have my own little drywall party and invite all his friends to drink beer and perform manual labor with a promise of dinner at the end. it will take two days for sure: day 1 to sand and join again, day 2 to sand again. and then i can paint! and floors can go down! ahh... so exciting.

so this week i have to:
- print a few shirts, as usual
- put the nursery back together
- clear out the dining room of some stuff to accommodate drywall work
- put plastic down on EVERYTHING in prep for what i assume will go on this weekend
- write my thank you notes (!!)
...and we have our last childbirth education class on thursday night.

as of today, i have officially 4 more weeks left of work (20 days!). oh, and the spring garden has officially sprouted--everything came up after the storms this weekend. :D

no pics lately; i should be able to post one next week after the 'photo shoot.' speaking of which, it is time to take some REAL pics... like the nice ones the photography studios are always trying to sell us... i just have to figure out how and where and what i want them to look like. i think i have two willing photographers, so i should be able to get two perspectives :)

physically things have been changing a little... though i feel huge relative to my non-pregnant size, as a pregnant chick i actually feel like my belly is not that big. neighbors and friends were/are MUCH bigger than me around the same time. i'm not worried or anything, it's just interesting.

she thumps and bumps and practices kickboxing all the time, but so far no rib shots or other painful assaults, which is nice. she seems pretty gentle even when she's really active.

my feet HATE it when i stand or walk for more than a few minutes at a time, and my legs don't like to get out of chairs, and usually i will get a cramp in my belly if i walk too fast... but those are the only real annoyances i'm dealing with. that and the mildly-swollen ankles most of the time. oh and i'm developing a massive bruise on my ribs where my stupid bra cuts into it, but i still don't want to buy new ones yet. it's impossible to say how much the bosom will change after birth...

OH! friend in labor today! her water broke at 5am and she is at the hospital now. i'm waiting for updates.

we start our childbirth education classes on thursday night, so that will be interesting. we may be meeting with the "other" midwives beforehand, just for a chat, depending on matt's feelings about it.

oh, another thing changing lately: i've been craving--as much as i get cravings--vegetables and fruit. i just want piles of fresh veggies and every fruit i can get my hands on. frozen peaches are heaven. just talking about it i had to go get an apple! i'm tempted to convert to raw food now, just because it's all i want to eat. (ohhh carrots. why don't i have any carrots?!)

other than that, nothing much is new. just hanging in there, waiting for the big day.

time is really starting to fly. i went from "aww, cute little bump" to "damn you're pregnant!" in no time flat. seriously. my stomach is so big... and it's 'tired' if you can imagine what that might feel like. it's like my belly has been lifting weights and just wants to lie down for a while, but it can't. i'm seriously considering one of those support belts because just having something take some of the weight off sounds sooooo nice right now.

but it's not that bad, i mean, that's my only complaint so i probably shouldn't be complaining at all! my ankles have recently had bouts of swelling, which is interesting (and honestly a little scary at first, considering my blood thing--swelling=bad usually) and totally unattractive, lol. oh and my thighs are definitely growing, though thankfully not in proportion with my belly. and i so need new bras! my fashion options are becoming smaller by the day...

actually i do have one genuine complaint: headaches. i had a really nasty headache from friday night all the way through last night, but of course it went away in time for my work week to begin. awesome. it's weird how they are coming and going, but when i have them they are pretty intense and totally unexplained. and nothing seems to help; but it was good practice trying to "relax into the pain" to fall asleep last night. i'm learning to accept and embrace unpleasant sensations rather than tense against them... my training for the surges of explusion to come.

we still don't have a name *sigh* but that's probably because we didn't talk any more about it recently. it's hard to believe but when matt and i hang out we always manage to be distracted or busy to the point that we don't get a whole lot done. soon, though. soon.

i'm planning to start my first knitted diaper-cover this week in between a caterpillar toy (shower gift), mitts for matt, and a cabled purse i am working on... so i hope it comes out nice and usable. it would be fan-freakin-tastic to be able to knit my diaper covers for just the cost of yarn--about $7 a pop. we'll see.

and... my friend from work who is pregnant went into the hospital today because she was having contractions 6 weeks early... we all hope it's just braxton-hicks, but nobody knows yet. *crosses fingers*

holy shit, i never imagined what that could be like. 30 seconds of stabbing, tearing, unbearable, all-consuming agony that i could not alleviate or ignore. i started screaming and begging matt (who was sleeping deeply) to rub it out, and all i could do was yell, my body totally contorted into a stiff arch. seriously fucked up!

upon reflection, it was similar to the worst acupuncture pain i ever experienced--there was a point on my right foot that she would go for sometimes, to my great dread, that consistently felt like a railroad spike being slammed laterally right through my tarsal bones. explosions of purple lighting and white hot fire in my vision and all i could do was arch up and gasp... my foot always ached for days after that point was hit. but where that was like an explosion, sudden and all-powerful and quickly over, this was a rip, like a door of pain opening inside my leg, its contents spilling out to flood the rest of my body until it passed.

i hope i don't get many more of these... i am going to up my vitamin intake, keep up with the magnesium powder, and try to eat bananas (blah).

one more week to halfway! i can't believe how quickly this is going...

nothing new to report except it's obvious that my abdomen is growing as we speak, b/c i have been having a constant sort of "tight" feeling inside like i did at the beginning. my skin on the outside is still nice an supple but clearly some organs are being adjusted in there.

i went to the gym on friday and it felt really good to use my body (for the first time in a few months, ahem). for the first two months i was still jogging almost every day, but once the nights got longer i stopped... but i joined the gym last week and now i am "back on the wagon." the only thing that was weird, other than feeling fat amongst several fit 18-year olds who have probably never seen a pregnant woman up close, was that even though i did a nearly normal workout, i didn't sweat. i always sweat when i work out, though not profusely... but this time there was nothing. so i'm not sure if i just need to push harder or if something weird is up. most women sweat a lot more during pregnancy.

so yeah, nice workout, then the hot tub with my book... ahh. i'm thinking that's the plan for tonight also.

did i mention that i got the "bark" parts of the tree up on the wall? i was inspired on thursday night and just went for it; the whole thing only took me 30 minutes to put up, amazingly. so it looks really cute and now i just have to work on the leaves, flowers(?), and birds/butterflies. but i think i am going to hold out until we know the sex so that i can at least sort of cater it appropriately. i'll take a pic this week even though it's not done.

so yeah.

edit: i forgot, my mom decided to throw another confusing factor into my "baby sex predictions!" yesterday she informed me she had some kind of dream or vision that i was having a blue-eyed daughter. lol. i am soooo confused. when i "talk" to the baby it feels like a girl, but the dreams, and the tarot...

also i did some astrology calculations on friday so that i can have the chart ready-to-go when the baby is born, minus a few critical pieces. i worry that it will be a gemini (no offense, but one in my house is plenty!) but the fact is, the impressions i get of it are way too quiet and peaceful for a gemini. so i think it will be early or right on time...