well, something was definitely happening. we had a baby that night!

the facts:
i asked debbie to check me around 530pm and i was dilated to 3cm, and by about 630pm i was having contractions enough to make me pause and breathe while i made dinner. we ate, and by 730 i was in bed coping and trying to rest. i'm not sure how long i was there before i felt like i had better get in the tub, but labor was for real so i called debbie and we agreed she'd give it a little while and then leave (she lives over an hour away!)... and i got in the bath and never got back out again. matt called karen and my mom at some point, too, such that they all arrived at exactly the same time (i'm told it was 9:40pm).

by the time karen popped her head in the bathroom i was in or past transition and had had several "pushy" contractions. there was a definite period where i was falling asleep between them so i assume they spaced out and gave me a rest the way books always say it happens during transition. debbie came in to set up and then went back out for a little bit, and i'm not sure when but shortly after that i told karen to get matt because i was feeling the baby's head in my birth canal! i wasn't sure how fast it would all go, but i knew he needed to be there asap... after a few more pushy contractions i told them to let my mom in too, and then all of a sudden he was crowning. it felt like it took forever for that to end... it was intense... but as soon as his head was out the rest of him came on the next push. straight into the bath and up into my arms and it was over. he was born at 1042pm on september 29. 7lb 12oz.

my reflections:
first, debbie was the best midwife ever. i needed no help and she offered none save once; i was struggling to birth his head as slowly as i could--"pushing" is more like holding on for dear life--and she said "take control of it" and that was the only advice or intervention she gave me the entire time she was present. no blood pressure checks, no heart tone checks, no temperatures... she let me give birth without making herself important or necessary for any reason whatsoever. it was amazing.

as for the birth, i got exactly what i was too afraid to dare i could have... despite the onlookers (which is all they were, though matt being there meant more of course) i had an unassisted birth. no one spoke, no one intervened, and i labored alone in the dark in my bathtub the entire time, which was surprisingly short. i think there was an oil lamp and a few candles lit, actually, but it was basically the dark. debbie told me later it was as peaceful of a birth as she has ever seen, and that made me really happy. from my perspective it was thrashing and shouting, but apparently i didn't actually do what i imagined i was doing. i birthed his head leaning over the side of the tub on my knees, and once it was out i sort of flopped backwards to birth the rest of him and take him out of the water. my poor mom, finally allowed into the birth room, missed the birth because of a phone call. she went out to get something for debbie, the phone rang, and when she came back he was out. i think she was pretty upset about it, but i did my best to give her a chance at least.

(my train of thought is a little off b/c i've been writing this for 3 days)

i know that labor technically went from about 330-1042 but for me it was really only the last two to three hours that were "labor" which is so shocking to me since rowan's was a full 17 hours of excruciating contractions from start to finish (thank you very much, castor oil). it wasn't until yesterday, when i really started to process this amazingly perfect birth experience, that i realized just how fucked-the-fuck-up rowan's birth really was. i felt like i had been hit by a truck, beaten with 2x4s between my legs, deflated in the belly, and totally psychotically miserable for weeks after she was born. weeks. after this birth i was tired but normal... like, really, normal. i woke up the next day and was barely sore. i couldn't kegel for months after rowan, and bladder control was a really tough issue--this time, it's like nothing even happened. i am normal. i tore slightly but it was superficial enough to let alone, and it doesn't even hurt; there are some spots that burn when i pee though, so i know there are a few little splits or "skid marks" hiding down there. i'm dwelling on all this because i'm honestly having a really hard time accepting that THIS is what birth does to you: not much! it's not the terrible, traumatic, difficult trial we have all been lead to believe... or at least, it doesn't have to be. i am so totally myself it's almost scary. in the best way, of course.

i'm going to end this here because i have been writing for DAYS and not published yet; time is precious and i haven't had a whole lot of it. despite this, life is surprisingly unstressful and extremely pleasant... i'm really, really happy. rowan is taking it like an angel, too... she loves the baby and has displayed absolutely no signs of jealousy whatsoever. the darling.

anyway, he's calling me. more when i have time, including photos.

i don't actually know if this is "nesting" or just my insanely anal housekeeping standards since moving, but i just now had to be very stern with myself about spending valuable rowan-naptime using cotton balls and nail polish remover to get little drops of dried varnish off the kitchen floor. matt spilled some two months ago and it has mildly annoyed me ever since; i have no idea why i felt like RIGHT NOW was the time to clean it. it's an absurd job and one that can definitely wait--plus he should be doing it anyway! i chalk it up to nesting madness.

a little while ago rowan and i were sitting on the couch reading a book and all of a sudden i felt hot liquid between my legs... a lot of it... and i assumed she was peeing on me... so we got up to change her and then i had about 30 seconds of freaking out because her diaper wasn't really wet! hello water breaking?! panic ensued. thankfully i found a fresh wet spot in the diaper and my soaked shorts definitely smelled like pee, so i'm sure it wasn't amniotic fluid after all. though how she managed to pee around the diaper will never make sense to me. the last thing i want is a broken bag of waters BEFORE i start contracting (again). if it will just hold out until labor starts we'll be fine.

i've been gathering up my "birth music" recently. i find it a satisfying but difficult task, to anticipate what i will want to hear during labor. so i have three playlists: earthy (drum music), loud (tool and stuff i can sing energetically with), and quiet (mostly sigur ros and other wordless/untranslatable ambience). i figure the quiet one will be the mainstay but when i was in early labor with rowan i definitely relied on tool to get me through the nastier bits. suggestions are appreciated :)

at our last visit i told debbie not to bother bringing the birth pool since i have my wonderful bath tub, but i have been rethinking that in terms of: what if it's a really nice day and i want to birth outside? our yard is so private and there are some really nice little shaded areas under the oaks where i think it could be awesome to have a baby. i guess it will all depend on the time of day and the weather--i won't be birthing outdoors at 2am or in 90deg heat--but i'm going to see what she thinks. i saw a birth video once of a woman in a hot tub on a balcony, surrounded by color silks blowing in the wind, and it was absolutely gorgeous. as long as it's private and comfortable, why not outside?

...i just got sidetracked looking up chicken breed stuff. i'm worried big mama was a bad choice for a "sitter" so i may be switching to the australorp since they are supposedly extremely 'broody' (good nesters). now to be sure i know what to do if i have to incubate them myself..!

*sigh*

i know i should be posting about the pregnancy, but all i can think about is rowan, lately. i have been rather unpleasantly emotional recently and i think i am mourning our loss of one-on-one time that is soon to come. i feel guilty for having another baby, in part, and in part i just really don't want it to end. i will miss being with just her and participating in every little thing that pops into her head. it makes me really sad that i know i will be only half-there for her basically from now on. it's not fair, it's too soon, I MISS HER ALREADY and i feel so bad for what i imagine is equivalent to abandoning her... this issue is overshadowing everything else for me at the moment. i know i am overreacting but there is a little bit of truth under there somewhere.

in addition, we've been trying out the toddler bed the last two nights, and to say that it has gone badly would be a massive understatement. she HATES it, and works herself into such a frenzy that even after i have given up and put her in the crib, she still cries hysterically for a good long while. i'm not sure what the issue is, as she loves the thing by all appearances... she plays on it, and pretends to sleep, and will lay there happily as long as it isn't bed or nap time. but the point is, i think i am giving up for now. she's obviously not ready and we are both upsetting ourselves for the last few weeks we have alone; over something stupid. yes, i want her to sleep in the toddler bed ASAP but not at the expense of happiness and additional stress in our lives. she's already going to have to deal with an interloper, so i'd rather just keep bedtime nice and easy and put the baby in the spare bedroom for a while later, if i have to. he'll be in our room for 2 months or so anyway... (i sound like i am being really defensive, and maybe i am... this is a sort of failure, i guess, because i am giving up after two days. but right now i just don't have the emotional endurance to let to her wail for any reason or any length of time.)

as for the pregnancy, i don't really know what to say. i'm in my "window" as of today. he's in there, squirmy, and presumably getting ready to move down soon. no, we have no name yet. it fucking sucks.

i'm a little... frustrated... with my midwife also, which isn't really her fault. i guess i expect others to listen and remember things as well i as do, but no one really ever does (save half-a-handful of really good friends over the years). when i explained that i didn't want her to bring an assistant unless she REALLY has to, we discussed having karen--madame doula--serve as assistant since i don't need a coach or advocate for myself with this birth. she was all about it. we specifically discussed who i didn't want to be her assistant--someone i work with and also don't know very well--and she was fine with that. but today, after not showing up to our visit (my fault for missing a "let's reschedule" phone message earlier in the week), she calls me and mentions she wants to bring the very person i didn't want to our next visit since she will be her likely assistant. i had to re-explain myself over the phone and now i feel like an ass because i couldn't phrase it right and i'm sure i sounded whiny. i just really thought i fully explained that i need to have NO OUTSIDERS at this birth. none. unless it's an emergency.

so... add that irritation/guilt/stress to my tears for rowan, and sprinkle it with a little matt-is-cranky-today, and you get a big pot of soupy, sniffly, pathetic rhiannon.

at least i got a nap today.

matt spent all weekend mowing and clearing out the extremely overgrown sections of the yard that could be better utilized in the future; it looks great! no more piles of dead branches and 5ft high weeds near the chicken coop or within 100ft of the house. i did my part by weeding my "flower beds" around the front door, and now i just have to hit it with the weed-whacker to get the tall grass down. i even planted a crape myrtle and a rose bush :)

i realized he's nesting, in his own way. when i was getting close to rowan's due date, he canned a million things and grew us a huge garden. along with completing all the in-house projects i needed him to do, like flooring the nursery and whatnot. this time, as our home is shiny and new, he's focusing on prepping for more animals. we've got the chickens, the rabbits, and the cow, and now he's ready for sheep and/or goats. which means he needs to build a barn! hence the clearing perfectly good yard space. it's sort of fun to watch, honestly, because he gets out of character in the sense that he wants to go out and do all this stuff and gets excited about it, rather than doing it because he has to (and is neurotic about staying busy).

i had a midwife visit today, totally uneventful. she has a lot of really pretty tattoos; butterflies and flowers and an angel, and things like that. apparently her hubby is a tattoo artist--he does nice delicate work. i might call him up in the future... back to the baby, he's been sticking his feet out the right side of my belly all day and i can actually feel them! little feet! it's so funny. rowan almost always felt like an indistinct blob in there, but i really notice each part of this little guy. my weight is higher than i would have guessed it is, as i don't really look "fat" like i was with rowan. but maybe that was just the significant swelling i had last time around..?

debbie did bring up something i hadn't thought of at all, at our last visit: we need a hurricane backup plan. yes, it is florida and hurricane season... and i live in a mobile home... um... so i guess we'll be at my mom's if there is a bad storm during labor. she also mentioned that hurricanes, or any quick drop/change in barometric pressure has a notable effect on causing people to go into labor. i'd never heard that before, so i looked it up later, and despite what lay-people think, studies have actually shown that it DOES have an effect! PROM is the main thing that happens, but these days that basically means delivery the same day. so i'm really hoping this danielle storm doesn't come near us, because i am close enough to my due date to worry about crap like that. and after my dream the other night... ugh.

anyway. matt just turned off the mower so i think it's time for dinner. oh and rowan's bedtime problems seem to be just about resolved... she complains for about 30 seconds now at naptime and it's over. bedtime is back to normal. i have no idea what was going on, but i guess she's over it.

i got a call yesterday around 530pm from sarah, sounding upset, to inform me that she was "corrected" regarding the situation with my required consult: i DO need to go see the OB, and good luck getting him to sign off on my homebirth. whatever she thought she heard about a letter and him checking out my chart in lieu of a visit was a misunderstanding. i told her i figured as much and i'd sort it out (though i didn't really care as debbie was on her way over to meet us that very moment).

about debbie; she is my dream midwife. has kids of her own (one homebirth), totally hands-off, straightforward no-nonsense common sense type chick. she's not flaky or hippieish--not that that usually bothers me--and she seems pretty much unflappable. head screwed on tight, if you know what i mean. but very personable, sarcastic, and open about her religious leanings and "faith-based" practice.* she's passionate about VBAC and does them practically for free as a "mission." as for all the little snags in my plans according to the birth center, she laughed. and i learned a few things.

apparently the law in florida, which i linked before and will do again here, is open for interpretation. after reading it again more carefully, i tend to agree with her. i learned that the protocol for "no homebirth without hemoglobin at 11g/100ml" is not the law; it's birth center protocol. as is the rule which basically ruined my last birth experience, the bit about only getting 24 hours to labor with ruptured membranes. the law says you have 12 hours to START labor after rupture. yes there are laws about progression of dilation and descent (the absurdity of having laws dictating how quickly your cervix can dilate is just baffling) which would likely have fucked me anyway, but it would have been nice to know just whose rules i was being subjected to. totally unrelated, the words "failure to progress" are so incredibly disheartening and borderline offensive that i really feel they should be stricken from official use. what a mindfuck that one was... something like "arrest of labor" due to unfavorable circumstances would be a hell of a lot more appropriate. oh well, i am preaching to the choir.

anyway things with her are going great--it has taken me a week to finish this post so i've now seen her twice--and i really think she's the right midwife for us. she may not bring an assistant, which is totally fine with me, considering i'd rather keep the circle tight and have her use karen if she needs someone.

i've completely lost my train of thought but i think this post is finished so i'm publishing it now!


*i'm kind of amused that the midwife i feel i am somehow meant to have is clearly christian. i am, as you probably know by now, very non-christian and while i'm used to being around it, it makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable most of the time... but not with her. she never asked whether we believe, and she only referred to god with a capital-g (so i can't actually say for sure whether she's christian or something else), and i just didn't get that you-don't-believe-thus-you-are-damned sense from her. and honestly, i'd rather have her tell me that god is telling her to take us to the hospital than that we ran out of time or some number isn't reading just right...

little mister has turned himself around (yay!). i'm not totally willing to give credit to the chiro, since *most* babies turn by 32 weeks anyway, but it couldn't have hurt. mister is posterior, however, so we just need to hope he rotates in place or i might be in for a really nasty labor :). but better than breech! last night i put the headphones down below my belly bulge and he went crazy kicking and punching, and i could feel him trying to get down there closer to it. i was playing mice parade, as it was the only happy/pleasant music on matt's mp3 player at the moment. he seemed to have liked it.

sarah was great today, and really glad to hear that debbie is coming by to meet us. i knew she wouldn't be hurt or anything, because i have been up front from the beginning, but i still felt bad... she agreed with my hunch that the BC is just not going to work out for me, though. as soon as i said it she said "that's kinda my feeling too" and i think we were both relieved. so it all depends on what happens monday, i guess.

she did tell me that her supervisor actually wrote a personal note to the OB about me and left it at his office, and she seemed really confused about the fact that i was told to 'go see him and good luck,' as apparently they are pushing for me, and haven't thrown me to the wolves. wtf?! it would seem communication is horrendously broken down between the three of us. but even so, sarah isn't hopeful about his response, so it probably changes nothing.

she prescribed me some serious iron pills for my anemia which i have thus far been unable to bring myself to ingest, as iron has historically freaked out my system (nausea, vomiting, constipation). i know i need to, but i'm just not up for feeling as bad as they make me feel. today she told me that she had a "flash" about me that was really strong, that i should take chlorophyll instead. so i just bought some online--chlorophyll, garlic pills, and a ginger/turmeric combo. apparently chlorophyll is at least as good as iron pills for upping hemoglobin and it has a lot of other happy benefits, like reducing the amount of dioxin in breast milk and making one odor-free (which i will need postpartum--ugh, the breastfeeding b.o. from hell!). allegedly it chelates heavy metals and other wild claims too, but the fact that it's green is good enough for me :). i'll probably start taking some spirulina too.

my concern with this lovely supplement is based on conflicting information. it seems to be an abundant source of vitamin K--which makes blood clot better--and yet is touted as a "blood thinner??" if the latter is true, great. if the former, i might need to be careful... but certainly they can't both be true unless it is a general blood 'tonic' which is a whole different ball game. i bought the garlic and ginger/turmeric for postpartum usage as they ARE blood thinners and i need to be ready to manage my potential for thrombosis right away... i guess i could just eat strong curry 3x a day, but i don't think matt would appreciate it very much, hehe. i also found this site where he says to drink three cups of yarrow (i grow my own!), nettles, and horsetail tea every day, so i'm going to try to do that to. worst case, i will be well-hydrated and have great hair!*

totally unrelated, did i mention i got stung by a scorpion IN MY KITCHEN last night?? holy crap that hurt more than i expected, but at least it was short lived. for about 8 minutes i thought my toe was going to balloon and explode, it was numb and on fire at the same time... and then it was gone. no more pain, no mark, nothing. really weird, and disturbing that he was in my house. it was a big one considering the runts we mostly have here in florida.

anyway. i'm feeling really good about things today, even with uncertainty still looming. it must be because i know what the outcomes will be either way... and the baby is vertex... and i'm ready to deal with whatever he wants me to purge re: rowan's birth. that post is coming soon, i think. gonna go take a bath and muse with birthing from within for a while.

*nettles and horsetail are fantastic supplements for hair growth, shine, and strength.

i have a home visit tomorrow, unexpectedly, which sort of amuses me. they're telling me left and right that i can't have a homebirth, but the midwife is going to see me at home. ??? at least i don't have to drive...

so i'm going to talk with her about what i'm thinking; i.e., thanks but no thanks, i just don't see it working out with the birth center for me. there are too many reasons they could (and will) say no at the last minute, and i don't want to deal with that. i am meeting with a new midwife on monday night whose reputation is a little less by-the-books, so if we click and she's ok with all my "complications," i'm going to release sarah from my obnoxious need for care. if it doesn't seem like a good situation, i'm going to continue my care with sarah and plan for an unassisted birth, just in case.

i've been considering the idea of contacting a midwifery student--one with a LOT of births under her belt--to see if there is any interest in being an alarm system, if you will. someone to yell "hey wait that's not normal" if something comes up that we might miss. my thoughts are that as long as one doesn't have a license to worry about losing, and knows she is just there as an advisor, there should be no risk whatsoever. and she might get the bonus of watching an unassisted birth, or even saving a life should the situation call for intervention. just an idea.

i'm anxious to know whether little mister is vertex yet or not. i've hesitated on doing the slant board just in case he DID turn (i think he might have) because i don't want to un-turn him by accident. i need to play music in my pelvis tonight though, since it can't hurt.

unrelated note-to-self: i am feeling a need to post about birth trauma. about the aftermath of unwanted surgical birth. this is coming from nowhere but the urge is really strong so i think it's time to reassess rowan's delivery one last time before i am fully ready to deal with the nameless baby's birth...

i got an email back from the person in charge of the midwives' practice (regarding my desire to petition for a homebirth), and her progressive, stand-up-for-women's-rights answer was, paraphrased:

we can ask doc OB and see what he says. does that work for you? by the way he'll be much more likely to approve you for a birth center birth like last time.

sigh. i had hoped for her to push him for me, which apparently she isn't getting. i told her, MANY times now, that i am not having a baby anywhere but my house unless lives are in imminent danger. but she keeps on anyway...

here i am again, wondering if--with my iron and possible breech issues--it's even worth bothering about. the longer we go the more i think i'm better off doing it without them.

midwife called me about my blood test last week - see #4 below.

let me list all the checks i have against my having a successful homebirth with a licensed midwife:
1) distance >30min from hospital
2) factor V leiden blood thing; probably not an issue? depends on word of god, i.e., OB's decision.
3) currently breech baby
4) anemia (iron level=10.9, law says 11.0 or forget it)

so... i think i quit. fuck it. i'll just do it myself, know when to call 911, and hope for the best. i am so sick of fucking technicalities getting in the way of what I KNOW is right. it happened last time, and i let it, but it is not going to happen again.

i find myself in the ace of wands of my tarot year, moving into the four of wands next week. apparently the ace has had nothing to do with the birth situation (except maybe that i am truly mentally embarking on preparation for unassisted birth) and was all about getting back into twink with energy. but this four, he's different. i see birth issues here, and i can only hope in a good way. the link above talks about rites of passage and homecoming and preparation for celebrations... "openings and gateways" and "solidifying the creative process." these things speak to me of getting ready for birth in a positive light, not stressing and worrying about when or how or whom. i can hope.*

one could argue that these things against me (#1-4 above) are the universe telling me what not to do, but i disagree... i am getting a clear message from baby and universe that we need to have a homebirth and all this other shit is just noise clogging the airways. testing my resolve, even. i could have a natural birth at the birth center, but i have an innate sense that that's just not right. so whatever... we may be on our own here, baby. i hope you're ready.



*this baby will be born solidly in libra, when i am, quite unsurprisingly, living the two of swords. that link is the nicest version of that card i have EVER seen--this is my deck, and the typical interpretation. i have a deep conflict to look forward to, i can only hope it is between family members concerned about me, and not between matt and i disagreeing about the birth. or between me and the baby on some spiritual level. the bits about an inability to act really freak me out.

written yesterday:
last night and this morning, we noticed some weird blotchiness on her face. today, her face looked puffy. i got concerned, and lo and behold she's most likely having an allergic reaction to the bloody antibiotics.

called the doc, he said stop giving it to her, pick up a scrip for benadryl, and come see him tomorrow. great. wonderful. as if i needed another ounce of stress this week! i feel really overwhelmed and shitty on top of being sick and worrying about her and everything else. and my mother in law is still here (which isn't a problem per se, i just feel like i can't cry with her around or she will get all worried).

sigh.

today's update:
omfg, my cousin's kid is killing me today. i'd love to say it's just my own stress, but no, he's really being difficult. and rowan's doc didn't want to hear about allergies or reactions... despite facial swelling and weird little hive/rashes, the drug he gave is the "safest" antibiotic and there's no way she's allergic. and the diarrhea she's had can't be a side effect, it must be that she also has a stomach bug. WTF?? the rx pamphlet laid out how diarrhea can be a side effect. and exactly what to look for with allergic reactions. i'm frustrated, but at least he said she doesn't need to take it anymore since her ear looks great. (which sort of also confuses me b/c i thought abx had to be taken for the full course in order to be effective...?) whatever. she's off the meds and seems to be doing better so far. next time somebody wants to give her penicillin or the like i will just have to warn them and watch really closely how she reacts.

i really need a few days of peace and quiet. i *hope* to be going to the chiro tomorrow for a much-needed adjustment and a trial of the webster technique to see if this baby will turn himself...

and as i STILL have not heard back regarding my attempts to win myself a homebirth with my existing midwife, i wrote a pleading/demanding letter last night asking to at least know is my request is being considered. no response yet. i'm starting to get really pissed off. this is no small matter!

in other news, been reading about perineal protection on the gentlebirth.org archives. it's silly but that concerns me as much as anything else for this birth... my scar is really big and really deep, and i worry about it just ripping wide open b/c the tissue won't stretch. the problem is, there are conflicting studies on perineal massage, but i'm not sure how well they apply when there is already scar tissue. i guess i need to just start using some comfrey salve on there and work on stretching it without over-rubbing the muscles. it's impossible to know whether i would even have torn (or how badly) with rowan, since i was sliced and shredded and not given the chance to tear. sigh.

so many sighs lately. i've come to the conclusion that i am moderately depressed and completely bottling it up because thus far i haven't had time or opportunity to let it out. kid is here during the day and if i wait till he leaves, matt comes home and he will just get too worried and stress himself out if he sees me break down right now. and of course matt's mom has been in-and-out for the last two weeks, not to mention his dad's surprise visit. i just haven't had long enough a break to even cry...

so while i am in the main concerned with either:
1) finding a midwife who is willing to attend me
or
2) preparing myself utterly for a 'freebirth' assisted by good samaritans* only

i am also thinking about the smaller things that worry me, like what about my horribly scarred perineum? should i be doing anything to get it ready? who can tell me this if i have no midwife? tearing badly over scar tissue is the last thing i need to be concerned with right now...

i'm thinking about this baby being breech. i'm thinking that i should be having aquanatal sessions. i'm wondering when and what to get for the homebirth in terms of supplies.

i know these things can be gleaned on the internets but i like to talk about them face-to-face. i'm feeling a lack of womanly care that i have become accustomed to... i think that is the root of it. it's not a doctor-figure i lack, it's a wiser, older woman to chat with me about pregnancy. someone who really knows what she is talking about from seeing 100s of births first-hand.

i realize more and more that i really have no desire for a midwife to attend me during birth, but i feel like i need it beforehand, for some reason. i've had zero response to the emails i have sent both to my old midwife's practice and another one. i did get a response from a third but i am not ready to call her yet, as i have no relationship with her and don't want to start a new one unless i have to.

so that's what i'm thinking about lately...

and i had a dream about little mister last night. he wasn't "born," as none of my dreams seem to allow that to happen, but he came out of a bloody little wrapped package of uterus and nursed like a fiend. he had dark hair, which i expect, but i didn't see his eye color. he was little.

*now, WHY doesn't that apply if i call a midwife at the last minute during a birth emergency? if she is acting gratuitously and outside of a patient-practitioner relationship, what is the problem?!

little mister is totally, completely breech here at 28 weeks. like head at my bellybutton breech.

luckily i planned to visit the chiropractor anyway (for my presumably misaligned back and pelvis), so now i just have to find someone who takes medicaid AND is trained in the webster technique. and i ought to do some breech-turning manuevers if i ever get a moment. they say 25% of babies are breech until 32 weeks, after which is drops to more like 4%, so i guess i have a month to hope. but as a friend said to me the other day, my luck with regards to avoiding slim percentages so far has been shitty! rh-, clotting factor, nuchal cord, bilobed placenta, velamentous insertion of cord, etc...

as if i needed one more thing to worry about with this birth. the funny thing is, other than the breech situation--which will likely change on its own--i am otherwise without anxiety despite plenty of reasons to freak out. it's like i just don't care, but that's not it. i don't know if it's denial of problems or total acceptance of whatever happens, but i'm not ruffled right now. whatever happens, happens; and i know what won't happen: c-section. everything else is fair game, i guess. i really need to sit down and think hard about unassisted birth to find out if i am honestly ok with any/all outcomes.

i couldn't address the issue yesterday because i was feeling SO shocked, betrayed, and furious... after everything they did to push me back into their care, to turn around and say "oh, nevermind, no homebirth for you" at 28 goddamn weeks; it was just too much. and that's alll i'm going to say. i do have a business relationship with them which i need to keep pleasant...

today i am calmer. still pissed, but calm. and thanks to lovely loren, i now have some ammo to fight back against this bullshit i am being told. email sent to the appropriate person:

I was happy to hear that Dr. B can review my records (rather than having me come in) for the consultation, but I was reading Florida’s chapter on midwifery law, and it clearly states:

When a client has a risk score of 3 or higher and has previously had a physician consultation for the identical risk factors in a prior pregnancy with no current changes in health or risk factors another consultation is not required. (64B24-7.004 Risk Assessment.)

However, since we are going ahead with the consultation anyway, I would like to formally request that I also be “consulted” about regarding the added 3 risk points for being >30 minutes from the hospital. As above, the law states:

If the risk factor score reaches 3 points the midwife shall consult with a physician who has obstetrical hospital privileges and if there is a joint determination that the patient can be expected to have a normal pregnancy, labor and delivery the midwife may provide services to the patient. (64B24-7.004 Risk Assessment.)

…so what I understand from that is that it IS within the laws to have a homebirth >30 minutes from the hospital provided an obstetrician signs off on it. Am I wrong?

I would apologize for being a pain in the butt about this, but honestly I feel that if I don’t fight for it I am going to be ignored. I will not be birthing at the Birth Center, at someone else’s home, or at a hospital (sans true emergency), and I would really, really like for Sarah to continue to be my midwife. I hope you will consider the laws again and do what you can to help me have the homebirth I desire.

Here is a link to the Florida Administrative Code: https://www.flrules.org/gateway/ChapterHome.asp?Chapter=64B24-7

save that link in case you ever need it. don't let anybody push you around!!

"i can't do your homebirth because you live too far away. my hands are tied."

there was an update, i forgot. when sarah took my blood at 20 or so weeks, my iron was borderline (which i am sure i mentioned). i had already been eating red meat at that point though, and i cook exclusively with cast iron, so i was kinda surprised. now i have another blood test this tuesday and i am pretty worried that my iron might have dropped... with rowan, i was anemic the entire time i was pregnant, so it's not unlikely.

but i have a plan. starting today i am guzzling nettle tea, i'm taking my herbal iron 2x a day with vitamin c, drinking oj and/or pineapple juice, and i plan to eat a big steak monday night along with as many dark leafy greens as i can fit on my plate. no coffee tuesday morning, either. if these things don't boost my iron so i 'pass the test' then nothing will (though midwives in the uk seem to recommend a pint of guinness every day for iron...hmm...). yes, my homebirth hinges on something so stupid as this.

(i understand the risk of low iron is for postpartum hemorrhage consequences, however, i have a BLOOD CLOTTING FACTOR that makes it highly unlikely i would bleed out anyway!)

the only reason i am even doing this blood test is for the rh sensitization test, because i want to be sure it is safe to refuse rhogam this time around. of course i'm not doing the glucose test either, but that's another thing and covered elsewhere.

trying to think strong, red, metallic thoughts because this is all making me a tad bit anxious. if anybody has ideas for fast iron boosting (i've googled it in 10 different ways) please let me know!

sarah called me last night to inform me that i have a different type of asymptomatic UTI after the antibiotics and my pee test last week. seriously?!

at least this time we are treating it herbally (azo cranberry pills, garlic pills+raw garlic, LOTS of water) because it's a small colonization, but i'm really confused and a little frustrated over it anyway. i know perfectly well how to prevent UTIs and i am always careful, because i have had a few in the past and they totally suck; so i don't understand what is going on. but all i can do now is try to knock it out myself.

i am 21 weeks now, mister is kicking all the time and i'm ready to get moving on his part of the bedroom! i started knitting a mobile for him, like rowan's little birds (below), only different. i'm doing his with mushrooms, a snail, a caterpillar, and a dragonfly in earth tones. i was thinking last night how funny it is that i made an air (birds) mobile for the earth baby and now i'm making an earth (bugs) mobile for the air baby... ?? oh well. it should be really cute when it's done.

i think i have a boy name i really like too, but i don't want to share yet. i'm afraid it's way too popular but *whine* i really like it!! i'm sticking to my guns about the criteria needing to fit within: celtic/nordic, nature-related, and uncommon but not too hippie. no biblical names and nothing from further east than germany. i haven't heard a peep from matt but i suspect he has been thinking hard, too.

i am glad that i did all the research on circumcision when i did, because now i don't even have to think about it for the little boy... that conversation was already had, thankfully. there is nothing anyone could say to convince me that neonatal circumcision is a good thing.

uh oh, baby is calling...

it's a boy! seriously!

i have such a strange sense of confusion about it, because i guess i just have NO idea how to parent a boy. i sort of always assumed i would only have girls, lol. i am happy about it--it's just surprising.

even though the only real 'psychic' (or whatever) impression i ever got from this baby was, one night when i tried really hard to connect to it, to suddenly think to myself "oh wow, are you a boy?" ...still i was never sure. but after seeing that ultrasound i have NO question! his little thingamajig was all out there for display, hehe. he was cute too, showing off all the important parts, sucking his thumb, and rolling around. i actually got pictures this time so i will scan/post them ASAP.

matt was shocked, i think. he had just finished whining about how 'the fates will never give me a boy' and blah blah depressive crap; ha! the first thing he said when i told him was "AWESOME now i can get my tubes tied." as if. but he is really happy.

and now the name dilemma begins :). AND i have to figure out how the hell i am going to make the baby room less totally-feminine! hehe. side note: ultrasound also said my dates were accurate, thank-you-very-much charting. due date 10/7/10.

on another note, my mom and i got some more portraits done of rowan today after the ultrasound and as per usual, she posed like a champ and we got a bunch of great ones. as soon as they are available online i will post a few.

also i've been slowly adding to the postpartum food stash in the deep freezer, so i've been able to cross a few things off my to-do list! that makes me happy. all in all i think it's been a good week.

...that the midwives of gainesville will not stand up for themselves and ask more doctors to back them up than just ONE. i have been seriously considering writing an open letter to the OBGYNs in this area to see what happens... there is a lot of drama and anxiety keeping the midwives from doing it themselves, if i understand the situation correctly.

anyway:

all because one hospital--the only one with the common sense to back midwives--closed.

it's not that there is anything wrong with birth going underground, except that it is a normal human function which we have been doing FOREVER, it's just so fucking pathetic that the medical industry can just bully their way into getting anything they want from the legislature. as i commented on my favorite news site (where i found the article),

"there are so many reasons this is f*cked up.

but hey, at least the powers that be haven’t made it illegal to actually BIRTH a baby in a car, in your home, or wherever it ‘accidentally’ happens… it’s just illegal for a trained professional to attend you and attempt to ensure your safety. as long as you are on your own* as a poor, helpless, laboring woman it’s still legal.

for now.

…as if we haven’t been giving birth sans doctors for millions of years. *sigh*

*(i have heard of husbands/family members being sued for illegally practicing medicine when they attempted to assist their otherwise unattended laboring relative.)"

how long until florida makes midwifery totally illegal, again? it happened in the 90s, and midwifery lobbyists are constantly fighting the ACOG, among other groups, to keep it from happening all over again.

*sputtering every obscene expletive she can scrounge up*

AHHH! there is nothing more frustrating than finding yourself saying "i knew better, but i did it anyway." yesterday was a shitty day, all around.

first, it was day two of what is so far a three-day headache reaching from my forehead to the base of my skull and slightly down my neck.

then, i didn't have to work, which means 1) no money for that day 2) no chance of repeating the clean catch to verify my alleged UTI 3) no driving to gainesville to pick up things from the old house for the party. damn it.

re #2: no choice but to take the freaking antibiotics which may or may not be linked to heart problems and cleft palate--the study i linked the other day had several flaws, but still. so i got the damned things yesterday and agreed i would take the first dose in the evening. it ended up making me dizzy with a pounding headache that shortly lead me to the bathroom where i proceeded to projectile vomit my dinner, the antibiotic, and two tylenol i took for my headache.

i called the birth center to ask about a certain side effect of the macrobid (some issue with anemia) and found out they had been trying to call me anyway... because they got more records from "Dr. First Birth with Forceps" and decided I NEED A CONSULT WITH HIM TO MAKE SURE I AM OK FOR OUT-OF-HOSPITAL BIRTH! didn't we do this once before? didn't i kick myself in the ass for going? yes, and yes. wtf. this is why i was afraid to use the birth center again--they're afraid to spit without asking His permission.

the reason i have to see him this time is because i was prescribed a blood thinner postpartum at my own request after the traumatic birth i had and much discussion with matt and our hospital midwife. they made me go through a consult with Dr. FBwF last time around because they had no clue about my blood clotting issue; he sent me to the hematologist, who was totally on my side; everybody finally said OK and i got it in writing that nobody was going to make me take any blood thinners unless i decided i want to, because the hematologist said they weren't necessary. BUT NOW, because *I* decided *I* wanted to--not because any doctor told me i had to--they are making me go get another fucking consult with the doctor who already cleared me once before. why why why why why?

now any reasonable person would be saying, "what's the big deal? why are you whining like a kid who dropped his ice cream cone?" how about these reasons:
1) i live 35 miles from the doc's office and it's a huge hassle to get there considering gas is $3 a gallon and my car ain't exactly economy-class.
2) i've already been through this with him, and the last time he tried to tell me i was too high-risk for the birth center, let alone a home birth. i really don't care to hear his opinion again.
3) he was the one who ended up removing rowan from my vagina, and while i owe him in a major, major way for both not forcing me into c-section and skillfully repairing what i am told was an absolutely horrifying mess of a genital area afterwards, my memories when it comes to him are...shall we say...less than pleasant. not interested in seeing him.
4) HIS OFFICE IS AN ABOMINATION. i don't understand how the health department continues to allow them to operate as a business, nevermind a fucking doctor's office! it's dirtier than any wal-mart i've ever been to (as in, pee cups on random counters, no one wearing gloves, grimy surfaces everywhere, crap strewn about, i could go on forever)! his staff is usually rude and unhelpful. oh, and since he is way too busy, he rarely shows up for an appointment within 4 hours of the scheduled time. to call it a long wait is a bit of an understatement.

what really pisses me off is that i am not having to do this because the head honcho (NOT sarah, my midwife) is concerned with my well-being postpartum--if that was the case she could get me the drug i would need; i'm doing it because the birth center doesn't want to get in trouble for not having him clear me. fuck that. at this point, i am so over playing these games with them. she said "just go at your convenience--i know it's not convenient, but do it when you can." so i've decided it's not going to be convenient for me until, hmm, maybe 37 weeks? she can hassle me all she wants, i'm not wasting my time or my emotional peace in his office.

i intend to tell this to sarah, because she deserves to know where i stand on it. we actually discussed the plan for postpartum clot-control at my first appointment and came to a happy agreement that we'd work out an herbal concoction that i can take as an alternative, since i told her flat out i am NOT doing 4 weeks of daily subcutaneous shots in my belly that burn like fire. i will not do it again anyway, so what the hell is the point of me seeing Dr. FBwF? the worst part is i'm sure sarah disagrees with the consult as well, but she can't exactly flip off her boss. bureaucracy totally infuriates me.

so here we are again, just like last time... if the birth center feels they have to transfer me (either for non-compliance or b/c Doc says so), i'm done. unassisted home birth it is. if they can pull their heads out of their asses, great--we'll have a happy home birth with a midwife i love. there you have it.

footnote:
my tarot year puts me at The Devil here in taurus. i just did a little reading up on him, since it's been a while, and as always i am wryly amused at my own fussing now that i see the current situation from the perspective it's been placed in for me. the devil is all about realizing you have the power to overcome your fears and integrating your shadow self... and here i am, seeing demons and enemies all about me, and screaming that they can't get me, when really what i should be doing is wondering why i feel threatened by those who have no power over me. what are they showing me about myself that is so scary?

maybe the deep-rooted self-doubt that fears i can't do it--that birth won't ever work for me the way i so hope it will. that i need help from a doctor or a drug or i will fail again. that's what i need to be addressing, not some dumbass doctor or paranoid midwife's opinions. thanks, devil.

so despite all my compliments at prenatal appointment numero uno, i seem to have an 'asymptomatic UTI.' wtf? so lame.

i told sarah i wanted to do another clean catch, because it's possible i contaminated my own sample somehow, but of course i now do not have to work tomorrow (thus cannot drive to gainesville just to pee in a cup) and she said we can't wait due to the amount of colonization apparent on the test and the fact that i've had it for at least a week already. argh! so i'm stuck taking antibiotics now and i am not happy about it. the only reason i am doing it is because years ago when i had a kidney infection it was a result of an asymptomatic UTI... and kidney infections+pregnancy=very bad news.

what concerns me is this research. i know that macrobid is not ok for late-term, and apparently now early pregnancy, but what about in the middle where i am? it's a little stressful.

anyway, that's that. 3 days of yucky pills and a lot of hoping they don't hurt anybody.

in other news, we're almost ready for rowan's 1st birthday! she is an ANGEL at bedtime now, it's ridiculous. letting her cry a bit for just three days made her actually seem to enjoy going to bed! she says 'bye bye' to all her toys before bed and hugs me while i sing to her--things she never, ever did before. and when i put her in the crib she is happy to pet her stuffed animals and calmly watches me walk away. i never would have guessed she would be happier for having been made to cry. i think it must be the comfort of knowing what is going to happen? whatever it is, i am sooooooOOOOoooo grateful that she has sorted out the whole bedtime thing and seems totally at peace with it.

also i finally decorated her room now that we are in the new place (though i ran out of paint with 1/3 of a wall to go), and it's even cuter than her old room! more butterflies, a new arrangement, and the tree has a lot more leaves and flowers... now i just have to sort of hope that the peanut is not a boy, or we're going to have to include some serious bug decor, or maybe some male elves or goblins or something. the extra fairies and butterflies really turned it into a girl thing :)