september mama

nonetheless, i wish that i had a little elf to sit in my ear canal and play a tiny banjo or mandolin so that i could listen to it all the time and no one else would know.

(sing that to the death cab for cutie melody)

this is what happens:



:D


i am waaaay overdue for a real post. i know.

you know, i really want to like the birth center. i love the women who work there, i love the oldschool community connections, i love the fact that they support a hugely undervalued necessity of life for childbearing women, and so on. but bloody hell and flaming bollocks, they fucking suck! i hadn't mentioned this before but my tax forms were all sorts of fucked up when they came in the mail, though i didn't bother to fuss and try to have them fixed (staff changeovers were the reason and i'm not interested in explaining and fighting about it)... and now my IUD appointment was cancelled, in short, because they don't have their shit together. i need NEED NEED NEED that IUD! so now, i'm forced to either wait another MONTH for an appointment (since their ARNP only works one day a freaking month) or go somewhere else and deal with "doctors" and paperwork and all that crap. sigh. i want to support them. i want to say hi. i want a woman i know and trust to do the procedure for me. but more importantly, i want my motherfucking IUD.

oh and by the way, the day she can do the insertion is two days before i have a big art show in which i'm selling my screenprints. not really going to be able to put on a happy face and sell shit when i'm doubled-over with fresh cramps (or drugged up to mask them). ARGH!

whatever, i have my options. i'll just have to call around tomorrow and see what i get in terms of appts with the mainstream medical-types.

this post was supposed to be about wild runaway mommy-brain, so let's start over:
i've always had a problem with daydreaming and spacing-out into neverland a little too often, but last night i was taken to a whole new level... i think having children and being constantly forced to deal with life moment-by-moment--and i don't mean in a zen sort of timeless now fashion--has possibly done some weird things to my head. i planned this trip to the grocery store for last night after the kids were sleeping, making it the first totally un-rushed, peaceful grocery trip i've had in almost 2 years. the drive into town is a good 15+ minutes of nothing but dark roads and whatever is on my stereo (which i could actually hear for once). my brain exploded. i felt like i had taken acid again, in a way; it was like the quiet of having no mental demands caused a massive burst into wild freeform thought exploration the likes of which i cannot recall experiencing while sober. i was overwhelmed and found myself just watching the crazy places my head went. i can't begin to explain the paths that were taken so i won't try, but suffice it to say i was more spaced-out and daydreamy than even i like to be. all this from observing a few short minutes of peace and quiet on a nighttime drive...

i didn't realize just how whacked-out i was until the video store. i walked in and was greeted by lennon's "while my guitar gently weeps" (love that song; but it also reminds me of a long-ago acid trip) and managed to find a few suitable movies relatively quickly. standing at the register i remember looking at a poster for paranormal activity 2 and thinking "bah, that will be scary as hell but really stupid, i am so not interested in that movie"... as i drove off to the grocery store and looked at my movie rentals, what do you guess was staring back at me? oh yes, paranormal activity 2. cue the 'what-the-fuck' moment of the week. no, month. maybe longer. am i really THAT dumb?

my trip to the grocery store was similar, though i am relieved to say i didn't buy any foods that i hate and then wonder why... i just felt the oddest sense of freedom being able to walk through the store and have my own thoughts as my only companion. i actually bought beer, too--which i will probably get shit for--and when the cashier IDed me it went like this:
bag boy: 'i asked for ID the other day and the lady turned out to be 50!'
cashier: 'whoa, that's funny'
me, to both of them: 'well how old do you think i am? really?'
bag boy: 'ummm'
cashier: (looking at me really hard) '23'
(i laugh)
cashier at the next register: (looking at me really hard) '19'
me: (laugh harder) 'shut up, i'm seriously asking'
... etc... so i tell them i'm 29 and they all kind of make this "shit, you're old" face. so i tell them i have two kids and it gets worse.

i'm not sure if they were just young and stupid or if i really look younger than i am, but 19 seems absurd. though i must admit i was excited to maybe look under 25... blah. that just means i am getting old.

a few nights ago i had another dream that included a moment of total and complete certainty that everything is fucked.* i look outside at the moon, in a sky that is too bright for night and too dim for day, and it is HUGE--the size of a dinner plate or larger--and there is a strange colorful/hazy halo all around it. seeing this is like being punched in the stomach, an instant knowing that all things are ending now and there is no more time left to mess around. i find myself dreading what i know i have to do, which is to explain to my family that we have to leave... i dread having to try to justify how i know what is happening and how i know where we need to go, because there isn't time to argue and i know they will doubt me. it's terrifying and i fear we are already out of time and that they won't listen.

i make note of this dream because, like the others, it didn't feel like a "normal" dream. it didn't feel like something my silly brain just invented during a mundane sleep. i don't know what to make of it.

*i had completely forgotten dream #3 in the older post until i just now read it again. wow. i am starting to wonder if these dreams aren't messages of some kind... maybe i am a contactee???? *nervous laugh*

i think i have decided to start posting my "farm blog" entries here, since the things i do around here with regards to animals and gardening and food have as much to do with parenting/child rearing as anything else. and since my pregnant days will shortly be over (probably for good), it's time to morph a little bit...

i'll be rearranging the links on the right but i don't plan to delete anything and will certainly be incorporating the links from the farm blog as well. all the pregnancy/birth info will continue to be linked... i'm too into birth to stop fussing about it even if i never have another of my own! :)

i'll make some new labels for the new topics as i start to post entries that apply. i hope you will find some of my recipes and whatnot useful...

i can't remember if i posted anything about this back then, but there was a time when rowan was just getting too heavy for the baby bjorn (which we used many times a day!) and i wanted to wear her on my back... but i had a lot of trouble with it. i could find instructions but had no good fabric, or the wraps were just too complicated to pull off quickly, or she would get grumpy, etc... so i've been planning ahead for the little guy since i know i will need my hands free as much as possible. i've got fabric i plan to use, and i added some wrap instructions for baby wearing in the parenting links on the right.

i have a very long piece of heavy jersey knit that should be perfect for fall/winter when he's born, and my favorite wrap so far--untested, mind you--is the newborn "burp" carry (yes, it's in greek but pictures are worth 1000 words). i am very excited at the freedom and cuddliness that wrap seems to afford. the bjorn was always a little impersonal (though rowan never minded) and the ring slings were hit or miss depending on her mood and mine. i'm banking on the wraps from here on, though i will be keeping the bjorn for backup (and matt). and since it will be cold out, neither me nor the baby will probably mind having the extra fabric wrapped around us.

in other news, today i brought our dogs back to the breeder/rescue vet lady from whom we originally got them. matt and i are both feeling shitty, guilty, and missing them :(. it really sucks. but we really had no choice about it...

(i say "part 1" because i am positive this is not nearly over... *edit: updates and more culinary exploits will be posted on the farm blog*)

so i'm not sure if i ever mentioned it, but my sister bought a cow about 2 years ago, which we have a share in. she has since had a baby, and the baby had a baby, and she's probably pregnant again. the point is, we are currently getting a massive jug of fresh milk at least once a week... glorious stuff with on average 1-3 cups of thick, fluffy cream on top! so i've been challenged to use it in interesting ways since there is no chance of us drinking as much milk as we get (and matt swears it is too "salty" for his cereal; whatever).

first project was just separating the cream to use it in my coffee--easy, and so freaking good.

project #2 - homemade fresh-cream ice cream. i actually had some fresh vanilla beans too, so i scored bigtime and decided to do a straight vanilla. 2c cream, 1c milk, 3/4c sugar (wish i'd had raw), 2 vanilla beans, and WOW that was some good sh*t. matt's mom ate half the container :)

project #3 - yogurt. i used half a container of "fage" greek yogurt to start it, because i didn't have any culture lying around, but it turned out really well. and i made it in the slow cooker which i was very excited to do, since yogurt instructions usually require a heating pad or something else i don't have. 1qt milk, cooked on low for 2.5hrs, unplugged for another 3h, then mix in the yogurt and leave it alone overnight or longer. it's not sweetened but that's easy enough to do with each serving.

project #4 - frozen yogurt. since we ate all the ice cream, i needed another sweet treat... and what was i going to do with so much yogurt, anyway?? i mixed about 3c yogurt with 2/3c sugar and a bit of vanilla extract in the ice cream maker, and added 2T dry milk as i was afraid of it being too tangy since i intended to make it pineapple *drool*... threw in the pineapple bits when it started to congeal, then popped it in the freezer to let it set. i daresay it's even tastier than the ice cream!

project #5 - yogurt bread pudding. 3 words: best breakfast ever. had a rock-hard loaf of artisan wheat bread that i couldn't bear to feed to the chickens, so i cut it up and soaked it overnight in 1c yogurt, 2/3c brown sugar, 2 eggs (homegrown), 2T melted butter, some raisins and walnuts plus vanilla, cardamom, and cinnamon... baked this morning for about 40min and it's so, so yummy.

project #6 - milk sourdough. yep. we had a jug of milk going a bit sour so i decided a good way to utilize that would be to make it work on some flour :). equal parts souring milk to flour and i had an active starter with like 5 hours (as opposed to 3 days with water). plus, theoretically it will have more probiotics thanks to the milk bacteria. right now i am proofing a sponge and we'll see how the bread turns out later.

project #7 - simple curd cheese. again with the souring milk situation; duh, let's make cheese! i started this last night but it never separated for some reason, so i changed course and threw in some yogurt culture and let it sit, then this morning decided to run with it and added rennet. this is a totally improved dance, so i'm not sure how it will turn out, but worst case is i've got some more yogurt that may or may not solidify into cheesable curds.

and that's where i'm at now. as soon as my citric acid (previously ordered) arrives i will be trying my hand at mozarella, but for now i'm fine with what i've got going. all of these things could be done with store-bought milk (though i would hesitate a lot on the sourdough) but it's somehow just not as much fun. i plan to save a bunch for new batches of soap too... nothing like milk soap for soft skin...

(warning: this posting is anti-religious. stop reading if you are going to get offended. i am not "atheist" but i am 100% totally completely anti-religion. it fascinates me as a phenomena, and i love mythology, but in practice... i think organized religion is, at best, for the weak-minded and unimaginative, and at worst, a series of evil mind-control cults. **having said all that, i defend everyone's right to believe what they want; i have no problem with people who are religious, just with the mob-mentality and hypocrisy of the organizations themselves.**)

did you hear the one about the nun who was excommunicated for saving a woman's life? nevermind, as the article so pointedly states:

"In the case of priests who are credibly accused and known to be guilty of sexually abusing children, they are in a sense let off the hook," Doyle says.

Doyle says no pedophile priests have been excommunicated. When priests have been caught, he says, their bishops have protected them, and it has taken years or decades to defrock them, if ever.

saving a life at the cost of another (only questionably "alive" in the first place!) is apparently more highly punishable than the powerful abusing the utterly innocent for their own pleasure.

all i can see in this grossly blatant double-standard is men's fear of women. i can imagine no other cause for the absolute HATRED the church has for abortion--no matter the situation--in light of their undeniably flippant treatment of disgusting, evil, rapists. men with power=forgivable! women with power=be damned! literally.

and this is one reason why i think religion is a bad thing.* people always want to say "but so many good things have come from people believing this or that"... yeah? like what? let's tally it up next to all the evil that has been perpetrated in the various "His" names and see how the scales balance out.

blah. end rant.

*i come from a strongly baptist (yes, southern) family and was raised as such until i turned 12 and decided it made no sense and conflicted with my inner sense of the universe. since then, i've had to put up with almost constant, subtle attempts to convert me or even drag me by the hair into the church and i have to say, the more i am exposed to it the less i am remotely interested in anything they have to say. it's a bunch of bullshit politics and fakers just like everything else. in a lot of ways i think the bible itself is really interesting (and in a lot of ways it's not at all) but the groups who take it and pretend to live its message, whatever that may be--in my experience--always fail. the worst part of being around uber-religious family members is when i find myself pointing out biblical passages that clearly reprimand things they say or do to others. how's that for irony?

i cannot believe i'm going on 5 months already! geeez. time flies when you have a little one...

today was my first official prenatal visit, and i have to say i am so happy with my choice of midwife. sarah is exactly what i need; she's always the one to suggest we take things outside of the normal lines, in terms of making me feel less like a 'patient' and more like a friend hanging out. i find that i am the one having trouble relaxing and casting off the traditional role... i need to work on that so that i can really enjoy this.

as far as the medical assessment went, she was very happy with the blood draw and apparently my urine is "exquisite" which made me laugh. but she said she can really tell how well a person takes care of herself just by that, and i guess i get a cookie. blood pressure was crazy low, 98/58 which is not a problem other than my normal dizzy-when-standing thing. and the little peanut performed a lovely jig under the fetoscope, but we didn't hear heart tones this time. whatever.

anyway, clinical details aside, sarah suggested that we hang out at the springs or in my mom's pool to do our own little aquanatal sessions since we live really close to each other. i'm excited. i can't wait for the home visits to start--i really want to be in my own environment when the pregnancy starts getting to be a bigger deal. yay for tea and music during checkups!

rowan's party is going to be next saturday, and it looks like a few key players are definitely coming, which makes me very happy. still waiting on two others for a response, but so far so good. i know my whole family will show up, so it's going to be a party even if no one else comes. i'm counting on the other guests to bring the fun and the interesting... lol. kidding. mostly.

ah yes, and mothers' day this weekend--my first *sniffle.* as little sense as it makes, my sister and i are ditching our babies to brunch with our mom at my sister's work (gateway grand hotel). their brunch spread menu is a m a z i n g and i am pregnant and willing to eat twice my weight in tasty treats. very excited and only a tiny bit guilty for not spending the entire day actively being mommy. but i do that every day, so i get a pass sometimes, right? matt is graciously willing to watch rowan even though he has to work in the afternoon, so i have to make sure he gets a good fathers' day when it rolls around next month :).

i guess that's it for now. i'm going to go drool over that menu again...

i hope any locals who read this will come to the gainesville local art mart (GLAM) on 11/22 from 2-6pm! it should be a lot of fun and a great way to stock up on handmade gifts for the holidays. we'll be selling screenprinted shirts, t.w.i.n.k. stuff, and maybe some of matt's drawings too.


in other news, i had the talk with work and it went surprisingly well. they did let me go, as i expected, because they need a full-time person... so i am free to pursue my path with the birth center on good terms knowing it was not really my choice to let UF go.

so now i have a month to get my teeth fixed before our insurance runs out--i need some work. it sucks. i guess i should probably get a good general checkup too and make sure i don't need any other medical help in the immediate future, since i will soon be without insurance. but at least matt and rowan will be taken care of thanks to public programs.

i start with the birth center tomorrow! i seriously can't wait to go to a job that doesn't stress me out and make me act un-like myself all the time. i have changed quite a bit since working for UF just as a result of the way i have to interact with people on a daily basis... i lost a key "me" part of my personality a while back; the part of me that was totally open, lighthearted, a little bit flaky, and yet somehow wise. i'm excited to become reacquainted with it in an environment of femininity and peacefulness, and ditch this grounded cranky serious persona i have taken on.

(it's funny that as i write this i catch myself singing "boop-be-doop" OUT LOUD like i do when rowan is around and needs to be entertained while i do a chore or something... totally ridiculous. maybe having a baby will help me stop being so serious too, haha.)

but seriously, i miss my old hippie jewelry and the sort of crazy way i used to dress and think nothing of it, my long absurdly purple hair, etc. no, i am not going through a midlife crisis, but i do think i am in need of a reorientation and a centering. i think it's happening anyway actually, and the things in my life which are facilitating it were somehow positioned just for that purpose. ooOOOOoooo.

anyway. my mom just informed me that rowan made a new game today: she shook her head as if to say "no" and when she and matt laughed, she kept doing it. silly girl. i miss her so much sometimes. but i think it's good for her to be away from me a little bit. i just hope tomorrow goes well with our new nanny! it will be the first and probably only time that someone she doesn't know watches her. after this week my lovely friend, doula, and pregnant lady karen will be her new nanny one day a week. yay!

i don't think i ever posted about the craziness at work recently... about a month ago my boss casually asked "so are you ready to come back full time in october?" and, like some kind of 1960s cartoon character, i shattered into a million pieces and fell to a pile on the floor. i couldn't even answer her, i was so flabbergasted; i thought we had an arrangement for me to stay part-time until december when my mom quits watching rowan for me. apparently not. but after talking with my boss the next day she said that it was ok with them if i stay part-time on the condition that january 1 i am back 40 hours... the only problem is that HR said no way. basically UF's policy states that in order for me to continue part-time past my parental leave, the department would have to officially modify my position to make it part-time. which means in the next round of budget cuts they will lose the ability to ever hire for it full-time again. so we ended up back at me working full-time THIS MONTH. october 26th!

after this, matt and i had a nasty disagreement over my future status as full-time mom vs. full-time employee, which resolved itself nicely as soon as my parents decided to loan us the money to move to high springs. we agreed i'd be staying at home since it didn't make sense to move out there onto a farm if both of us 1) work in gainesville and 2) aren't home to manage the place. so. the rainbow appeared.

still, i've been freaking out trying to find a nanny just in case. and i haven't talked to my boss yet, because we just signed the papers on the house yesterday. and in the meantime, i applied for a position at the birth center because i saw it on craigslist and i couldn't resist.

yesterday was my interview, and i'm hired. tuesdays and thursdays, starting ASAP. complications aside, i am SO EXCITED to work there! the prospect of having a job i actually care about, working with a cause i really care about (natural birth choices) is nothing short of a dream. but more on that in a minute.

so now i have to go into work and tell them i'm moving, lay out an ultimatum (part-time or bust), and most likely hand over a letter of resignation because i do not think there is any chance they will keep me on part-time. and at this point, i don't want them to. yes the benefits are a huge deal, as is the $5 pay cut i'll be taking by going to the BCOG, but this is about so much more than money or insurance. this is about my search for meaning.

i'm terrified to talk with my boss though. it's going to kill her... i think she half-expects it but hearing me say it will be awful. i've had to steel myself against any attempts at keeping me (raises, etc) because i absolutely will not drive 70 miles a day, 5 days a week, and have rowan in daycare, for a few bucks. i won't. but i know i will be tempted.

the only thing i feel a little weird about is that i won't actually be home with rowan full-time... i now find myself truly torn between what to do. we could really use the extra money, as little as it will be, but because it's so little i can't help but feel like maybe it's not worth it. at any rate, i'm going to try it out and see what happens--i know i will love it. i finally understand why teachers work for such little pay... loving the cause is enough, sometimes.

the catch is, all of this has raised unfathomable guilt in me. i feel guilty over leaving my job, over leaving it on short notice, over agreeing to work anyway and not being home for rowan 24/7, over taking a pay cut when we need money, over walking away from our house, over borrowing from my parents, over shafting a home dealer who thought we were bringing him cash (we found a better deal). so much guilt.

naturally, i am in the early stages of my saturn return, which sort of abruptly brings all of this into focus; of course EVERYTHING is changing and decisions are being made that challenge past assumptions. i have the opportunity to make a choice that will put me on the path of becoming a doula, a childbirth educator, or even a midwife. i have the opportunity to be home with my baby 5 days a week in the process. our living situation is morphing into what we always hoped it would be. guilt seems to be the hurdle to self-actualization; my challenge. saturn is a funny, funny thing. in the midst of this uproar, i find that i am hopeful about my internal wellbeing for the first time in many years... incidentally, my saturn return began during the month of this year represented by the high priestess*. of course. :P

other things have piqued dormant areas in my psyche lately as well; we (twink and my shirt business) were invited to join a crafter's market in november to sell stuff with other local artists. this is something that would normally be kind of hassle to me, and i probably wouldn't do it, but i am so into it! i've been printing extra shirts and coming up with clever ideas because i am looking forward to it so much. and one of the cool things about working at the BC is that they said if i have any 'skills' or whatever i should tell them and i can teach classes for extra money. and they are working on getting a lot more involved with the community by having events and speakers and such and i can think of a million ideas and cool ways to implement them. i'm thinking i might gear up to teach a pregnant bellydance class in the near future. all about appreciating the pregnant body and strengthening birth muscles. i think in that kind of environment i could even grow to love my current body shape. anyway, i'm rambling.

time for a post about rowan!

*my friends and i traditionally do a yearly spread, one card for each sign, to guide and explain us through the year. libra was the high priestess for me. i turned 28 under the high priestess, which for me is now signaling the beginning of a new life; with my saturn return also this libra, during my birthday, under the HP, i see myself entering a new and different way of being. or rather, a return to that which once was. saturn seems to be changing everything but the fact is it has brought me back to myself, back to an internal sense that i used to have, of mystery and nature and openness all wrapped up into one. having been offered a job--shown a way to reconnect--in the most deeply feminine and mysterious close-to-the-source field (birth!), is so high priestess it's almost funny. saturn is lifting me as i choose to let the old go.**

**see also the grudge, by tool.