i don't think i ever posted about the craziness at work recently... about a month ago my boss casually asked "so are you ready to come back full time in october?" and, like some kind of 1960s cartoon character, i shattered into a million pieces and fell to a pile on the floor. i couldn't even answer her, i was so flabbergasted; i thought we had an arrangement for me to stay part-time until december when my mom quits watching rowan for me. apparently not. but after talking with my boss the next day she said that it was ok with them if i stay part-time on the condition that january 1 i am back 40 hours... the only problem is that HR said no way. basically UF's policy states that in order for me to continue part-time past my parental leave, the department would have to officially modify my position to make it part-time. which means in the next round of budget cuts they will lose the ability to ever hire for it full-time again. so we ended up back at me working full-time THIS MONTH. october 26th!
after this, matt and i had a nasty disagreement over my future status as full-time mom vs. full-time employee, which resolved itself nicely as soon as my parents decided to loan us the money to move to high springs. we agreed i'd be staying at home since it didn't make sense to move out there onto a farm if both of us 1) work in gainesville and 2) aren't home to manage the place. so. the rainbow appeared.
still, i've been freaking out trying to find a nanny just in case. and i haven't talked to my boss yet, because we just signed the papers on the house yesterday. and in the meantime, i applied for a position at the birth center because i saw it on craigslist and i couldn't resist.
yesterday was my interview, and i'm hired. tuesdays and thursdays, starting ASAP. complications aside, i am SO EXCITED to work there! the prospect of having a job i actually care about, working with a cause i really care about (natural birth choices) is nothing short of a dream. but more on that in a minute.
so now i have to go into work and tell them i'm moving, lay out an ultimatum (part-time or bust), and most likely hand over a letter of resignation because i do not think there is any chance they will keep me on part-time. and at this point, i don't want them to. yes the benefits are a huge deal, as is the $5 pay cut i'll be taking by going to the BCOG, but this is about so much more than money or insurance. this is about my search for meaning.
i'm terrified to talk with my boss though. it's going to kill her... i think she half-expects it but hearing me say it will be awful. i've had to steel myself against any attempts at keeping me (raises, etc) because i absolutely will not drive 70 miles a day, 5 days a week, and have rowan in daycare, for a few bucks. i won't. but i know i will be tempted.
the only thing i feel a little weird about is that i won't actually be home with rowan full-time... i now find myself truly torn between what to do. we could really use the extra money, as little as it will be, but because it's so little i can't help but feel like maybe it's not worth it. at any rate, i'm going to try it out and see what happens--i know i will love it. i finally understand why teachers work for such little pay... loving the cause is enough, sometimes.
the catch is, all of this has raised unfathomable guilt in me. i feel guilty over leaving my job, over leaving it on short notice, over agreeing to work anyway and not being home for rowan 24/7, over taking a pay cut when we need money, over walking away from our house, over borrowing from my parents, over shafting a home dealer who thought we were bringing him cash (we found a better deal). so much guilt.
naturally, i am in the early stages of my saturn return, which sort of abruptly brings all of this into focus; of course EVERYTHING is changing and decisions are being made that challenge past assumptions. i have the opportunity to make a choice that will put me on the path of becoming a doula, a childbirth educator, or even a midwife. i have the opportunity to be home with my baby 5 days a week in the process. our living situation is morphing into what we always hoped it would be. guilt seems to be the hurdle to self-actualization; my challenge. saturn is a funny, funny thing. in the midst of this uproar, i find that i am hopeful about my internal wellbeing for the first time in many years... incidentally, my saturn return began during the month of this year represented by the high priestess*. of course. :P
other things have piqued dormant areas in my psyche lately as well; we (twink and my shirt business) were invited to join a crafter's market in november to sell stuff with other local artists. this is something that would normally be kind of hassle to me, and i probably wouldn't do it, but i am so into it! i've been printing extra shirts and coming up with clever ideas because i am looking forward to it so much. and one of the cool things about working at the BC is that they said if i have any 'skills' or whatever i should tell them and i can teach classes for extra money. and they are working on getting a lot more involved with the community by having events and speakers and such and i can think of a million ideas and cool ways to implement them. i'm thinking i might gear up to teach a pregnant bellydance class in the near future. all about appreciating the pregnant body and strengthening birth muscles. i think in that kind of environment i could even grow to love my current body shape. anyway, i'm rambling.
time for a post about rowan!
*my friends and i traditionally do a yearly spread, one card for each sign, to guide and explain us through the year. libra was the high priestess for me. i turned 28 under the high priestess, which for me is now signaling the beginning of a new life; with my saturn return also this libra, during my birthday, under the HP, i see myself entering a new and different way of being. or rather, a return to that which once was. saturn seems to be changing everything but the fact is it has brought me back to myself, back to an internal sense that i used to have, of mystery and nature and openness all wrapped up into one. having been offered a job--shown a way to reconnect--in the most deeply feminine and mysterious close-to-the-source field (birth!), is so high priestess it's almost funny. saturn is lifting me as i choose to let the old go.**
**see also the grudge, by tool.
after this, matt and i had a nasty disagreement over my future status as full-time mom vs. full-time employee, which resolved itself nicely as soon as my parents decided to loan us the money to move to high springs. we agreed i'd be staying at home since it didn't make sense to move out there onto a farm if both of us 1) work in gainesville and 2) aren't home to manage the place. so. the rainbow appeared.
still, i've been freaking out trying to find a nanny just in case. and i haven't talked to my boss yet, because we just signed the papers on the house yesterday. and in the meantime, i applied for a position at the birth center because i saw it on craigslist and i couldn't resist.
yesterday was my interview, and i'm hired. tuesdays and thursdays, starting ASAP. complications aside, i am SO EXCITED to work there! the prospect of having a job i actually care about, working with a cause i really care about (natural birth choices) is nothing short of a dream. but more on that in a minute.
so now i have to go into work and tell them i'm moving, lay out an ultimatum (part-time or bust), and most likely hand over a letter of resignation because i do not think there is any chance they will keep me on part-time. and at this point, i don't want them to. yes the benefits are a huge deal, as is the $5 pay cut i'll be taking by going to the BCOG, but this is about so much more than money or insurance. this is about my search for meaning.
i'm terrified to talk with my boss though. it's going to kill her... i think she half-expects it but hearing me say it will be awful. i've had to steel myself against any attempts at keeping me (raises, etc) because i absolutely will not drive 70 miles a day, 5 days a week, and have rowan in daycare, for a few bucks. i won't. but i know i will be tempted.
the only thing i feel a little weird about is that i won't actually be home with rowan full-time... i now find myself truly torn between what to do. we could really use the extra money, as little as it will be, but because it's so little i can't help but feel like maybe it's not worth it. at any rate, i'm going to try it out and see what happens--i know i will love it. i finally understand why teachers work for such little pay... loving the cause is enough, sometimes.
the catch is, all of this has raised unfathomable guilt in me. i feel guilty over leaving my job, over leaving it on short notice, over agreeing to work anyway and not being home for rowan 24/7, over taking a pay cut when we need money, over walking away from our house, over borrowing from my parents, over shafting a home dealer who thought we were bringing him cash (we found a better deal). so much guilt.
naturally, i am in the early stages of my saturn return, which sort of abruptly brings all of this into focus; of course EVERYTHING is changing and decisions are being made that challenge past assumptions. i have the opportunity to make a choice that will put me on the path of becoming a doula, a childbirth educator, or even a midwife. i have the opportunity to be home with my baby 5 days a week in the process. our living situation is morphing into what we always hoped it would be. guilt seems to be the hurdle to self-actualization; my challenge. saturn is a funny, funny thing. in the midst of this uproar, i find that i am hopeful about my internal wellbeing for the first time in many years... incidentally, my saturn return began during the month of this year represented by the high priestess*. of course. :P
other things have piqued dormant areas in my psyche lately as well; we (twink and my shirt business) were invited to join a crafter's market in november to sell stuff with other local artists. this is something that would normally be kind of hassle to me, and i probably wouldn't do it, but i am so into it! i've been printing extra shirts and coming up with clever ideas because i am looking forward to it so much. and one of the cool things about working at the BC is that they said if i have any 'skills' or whatever i should tell them and i can teach classes for extra money. and they are working on getting a lot more involved with the community by having events and speakers and such and i can think of a million ideas and cool ways to implement them. i'm thinking i might gear up to teach a pregnant bellydance class in the near future. all about appreciating the pregnant body and strengthening birth muscles. i think in that kind of environment i could even grow to love my current body shape. anyway, i'm rambling.
time for a post about rowan!
*my friends and i traditionally do a yearly spread, one card for each sign, to guide and explain us through the year. libra was the high priestess for me. i turned 28 under the high priestess, which for me is now signaling the beginning of a new life; with my saturn return also this libra, during my birthday, under the HP, i see myself entering a new and different way of being. or rather, a return to that which once was. saturn seems to be changing everything but the fact is it has brought me back to myself, back to an internal sense that i used to have, of mystery and nature and openness all wrapped up into one. having been offered a job--shown a way to reconnect--in the most deeply feminine and mysterious close-to-the-source field (birth!), is so high priestess it's almost funny. saturn is lifting me as i choose to let the old go.**
**see also the grudge, by tool.
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