september mama

man, this poor baby is getting the short end of the deal. my dad had a nasty stomach thing last week, and two days later *surprise* i had it too. i spent all saturday night vomiting everything that entered my stomach, including water. sunday was spent waddling between the bed and the bathtub, into which i also threw up several times. i could only eat fruit juice popsicles and gingerly sip water... but by lunch on monday i was feeling ok, so i ate, and all seemed well.

then matt's dad came to visit and took us out to eat and i gravely overestimated my wellness (probably because i was in denial about needing the BRAT diet)... which led to more throwing up on tuesday morning. sick again! more popsicles. finally some white rice with soy sauce (woohoo). wednesday was the same. FINALLY today i can eat food--i even had coffee and real breakfast and i feel a lot better.

btw yes, i ate steak. and it was soooo good. i ate it for three days until i felt like i didn't need it anymore, and i've been ok ever since. the weirdest thing is that i was totally prepared for a negative reaction by my stomach after so long of not having meat, but it didn't affect me a bit. it's gross to my head but my body was definitely loving it.

rowan will be ONE YEAR in a few weeks! holy crap! i have a birthday party to plan... as if anyone in their right mind will want to trek out to high springs for a baby party. ha. she has been so cute trying to walk lately, and she loooves playing in the hose/baby pool. she's very silly and growing so fast.

as for the pregnancy, i am 17 weeks now and i look like i'm 6 months pregnant. i don't know what the deal is--extra belly weight, incorrect dates, twins--but it's a little weird. last time i felt my fundus it was in the right place for gestational age, it's just that my belly is so big. i'm assuming it's fat. *sigh* but man this little peanut can KICK! i've been feeling it since about 12 weeks, which i know sounds completely insane, but i am sure it was baby all along. it's infrequent, but last night i got two kicks that were so strong i squeaked with surprise; it felt like somebody poked me. i'm honestly a tad bit worried my dates might be wrong just b/c i shouldn't be feeling it so much so early. either that or this one is an ogre child. lol.

still haven't had a first checkup but i really don't care--i am so over it. next week is my physical and blood work, though. i did get to have a good talk with sarah (my midwife) a few weeks ago, and it really gave me some clarity on my feelings about rowan's birth. i understand why it was so hard to accept, now, and i feel like i'm over it. i don't think it will ever completely go away, but i don't feel like it's affecting me the way it was before. so that's pretty huge.

working on names, but i don't think any progress has been made in the boy department. i'm pretty sure we agree on one or two girl names so i'm not too worried about that, and since the cursed ultrasound (that i don't really want) will be in just a few weeks, we might as well wait to fuss about them until we know what we're having. matt is worrying me though, since he keeps throwing out things like "jedidiah" and i have to keep reminding him yet again that we are neither amish nor christian. goofball.

oh and i had a relatively stressful dream about shoe shopping last night, of all random and pointless things.

i've been hovering at a very uncomfortable 20-pounds-overweight for the last two months or so. admittedly, i have not been "exercising" though i do go on long walks with rowan almost daily, i don't eat crap, and i'm breastfeeing every hour and a half or so. yet here i sit, flabby and heavy.

i don't know why i expected/hoped that bfing alone would help (gee, maybe the 500 extra calories it's supposed to burn?!) but apparently it isn't enough to get me even close to my normal size. as rowan is coming up on 6 months shortly, it's time for me to get my ass in shape. literally.

and then i read this article and freaked out:

if you gain more than the recommended 20 to 25 pounds during pregnancy, or if you don’t lose the extra weight within six months of delivery, you are statistically likely to carry an extra 20 pounds, 10 years later. If you are overweight to begin with, that number is even higher. The six-month window for losing pregnancy weight seems to be critical.

oh. crap. my belly. my thighs. my ARMS for that matter!

i realize that i am not a typical american woman in terms of eating habits, activity levels, etc--i'm pretty good about all of it most of the time--so i'm hoping that will insulate me a little bit from falling into those statistics, but i'm not taking any chances! i'm cutting out coffee (since for some reason it makes me hold weight), starting to juice again, and eating as much raw fruits, veggies, and nuts as i can stomach to the exclusion of wheat and dairy.

i also started the at-home workout routine which i plan to do every night in between putting rowan to bed and making dinner: crunches, leg lifts, squats, lunges, push ups, jumping jacks, etc for 30 minutes. i did it last night and man am i sore today! my legs are w e a k. but that's good, it drove home how soft i have become. alas, for the 10-mile bicycle commute i no longer have...

though i must say i am looking forward to the busy, tiring, sweaty days of moving house, since i always seem to lose weight at those times. especially now that i will have the added stressor of a baby to deal with during packing and unpacking!

i am trying not to whine about it, since i realize it is mostly my fault for not getting on the ball sooner, but it sucks SO MUCH to feel squishy and out of place in my own body. pregnancy was a different matter, since it wasn't really "my" body all that time... it was ours... but now, yuck. i just feel gross and totally unattractive. when i look at pictures of myself from before i got pregnant i can't believe how good i looked (even though at the time i always felt not-fit-enough). gahh! compared to now, i was practically ideal. but oh well.

i will get there again soon. the right way.

man. 35 weeks. how much longer?! i am in that "ok, i'm done" phase, i think.

[commence whining]

i can't sleep at night for more than 2 hours straight, then i wake up either to pee or because i'm uncomfortable or because something HURTS (belly, leg cramp, finger pain, etc). i've apparently developed pregnancy-induced arthritis in all three finger joints of each finger... not too swollen, but achy as hell, especially in the morning! my feet STILL hurt when i walk or stand for too long, and now it seems like she is running out of room in my belly--she's taken to kicking almost constantly, and there is actual pressure a lot of the time, especially towards the top of my belly. it's not comfortable. oh and when i do wake up at 3am with pain from having to pee so badly, it's nearly impossible to get out of bed. i'm so heavy and so awkward, and just imagine: you wake up, huge belly preventing you from bending effectively, your fingers are so cramped that you can barely open them to lever yourself upright (stomach muscles don't cut it anymore, you need the leverage), your legs are hairs away from intense charlie-horse cramps--the wrong move will set them off--and when you finally hoist yourself up and off the side of the bed, you land on feet that would scream if they had vocal chords because they are so sore and can't take the sudden weight. then you waddle (yes, waddle) on protesting feet towards the bathroom, still feeling the almost-cramps in your legs with each shift in weight, and just hoping the pressure in your stomach and pelvis doesn't burst the baby right out, dilated cervix or not.

this me every night. often multiple times per night. did i say pregnancy was easy?! HA!

[end whining]

ok really it has been, it's just this last little bit that is pushing me to my limits of physical endurance. it could have been so very much worse..!

list of things i am lucky and grateful for NOT having to deal with in this pregnancy:
- excessive or genuine morning sickness complete with vomiting
- stretch marks
- heartburn
- back pain
- cravings for wacky foods
- sweating/temperature issues
- constipation
- hemorrhoids
- "girly infections"
- psychotic mood swings
- severe weight gain

compared to all those totally normal complaints that most people have, my situation doesn't seem all that bad.

i'm quite sure i'm having contractions though... it's a very interesting feeling, and it's definitely low and where it's supposed to be... like a sharp, tight feeling suddenly comes and i almost feel like the baby is moving and putting pressure somewhere or other (but really i think it's that my uterus is tightening around her). i think i might have them a lot at night, because i wake up in confusing pain that i can't make sense of most nights, and then i fall back asleep before i can sort it out. she's moving around non-stop today--i've had a lot of belly discomfort and i can't tell if it's because she keeps moving or if she's moving because my belly is doing something funny.

i had a really annoying dream last night also. i dreamed that i had her, but (again) i realized afterwards that i had NO memory of labor, and i started to get really upset... i was pissed and confused and wondering why i couldn't remember it; i wasn't sure if i had been given meds against my wishes, if we had a c-section, or what happened, i just knew i was unconscious for the birth and i was impossibly upset about it, because it was specifically contrary to what i wanted. and then i realized that i had given birth more than 24 hours ago and they still had her, i hadn't even gotten to hold her yet, and i was completely crushed and infuriated. i couldn't accept that we missed the critical hour after birth because i was unconscious, and i didn't understand why, either. so i was trying to get back to the hospital to get her, and probably to kick some ass as well (she was fine, just still at the hospital for some reason). this was all really annoying because it was a nightmare, and i woke up disturbed and upset... but the fact is even if i DO end up with a c-section i know i won't be unconscious because i will choose the localized anesthesia... i want to be conscious. so what the heck is my subconscious really worrying about? and where the heck was matt??

anyway... so the room is 100% finished! my mom bought us a crib and a changing pad thing, the floors are in, the walls are done, and it all looks fabulous. now all we need is the rest of the house to get done and then she can show up whenever she wants :) good news though! i sold my car AND matt sold his "spare" motorcycle yesterday, so we now officially have enough money to put in the floors we want for the majority of the house. nothing is holding us up from finishing everything, other than time... walls, floors, and we are done! we might actually have a livable, comfortable house before we have a baby. who would've thought...

last night nate and i went on a trek through the woods to take some photos. they came out really great overall!

check out the flickr album

this is my favorite one:


we're going to take some more on sunday, i think. i will have a pretty henna design on the belly by then, so that should be neat!

anyway i'm sure i have more to say but i can't think of anything right now, so maybe i'll come back later.

woooowooo check out that watermelon! i swear i don't really feel THAT big...

good news though, we have been talking about names and i think we are making progress. matt really dislikes 'lily'--sigh--but now that i know why i am more ok with it. he feels that it is too soft, kinda weak, and way too feminine and lacking spunk; he wants her to have a "powerful" name, which i can understand though i'm not completely sure what his definition of that is. to me soft can be strong too, but he's a boy so maybe he is confusing strong with powerful. he's also a big fan of androgynous names, which i am open to, but not totally excited about. he liked river. we both liked ivy (his suggestion). so we are inching closer... i feel better knowing that he's thinking about it and wants to participate actively instead of just tossing around veto power. haha.

:)

finally i managed to get a pic of my enormous belly for the record. and look how long my hair is! wee...
it looks like i am carrying really high, but i think that's just the photo angle because nate is so tall! i feel the baby below my belly button and on the right side, most of the time. i am sad to say that i am slowly losing my waist, however. i seem to be carrying kinda wide, to my great surprise (my mom was straight out with me--teeny waist preserved the whole time--and wide with my sister).

soon i won't be able to wear those jeans at all... right now i zip them about halfway and rubber band the button hole! lol.

anyway there it is. behold the belly.

i am almost halfway there already! ahh!

this will not be a complaining post, but i just want to reiterate that even the wonderful midwives at the birth center are bottom-line driven by fear of the constraints placed upon them by their "superiors" at the AMA and florida legislature. *sigh* for a second at my last appt the chick nearly freaked that i was able to feel the baby already, thinking my dates 'must be off by a lot' and worrying that we needed to adjust them so i don't end up birthing too early and blah blah... but then she felt my belly and decided i'm on schedule. but she couldn't believe that i might just be feeling it so early. blah... i'm not lying...

so yeah, my belly is seriously growing now. it's the strangest thing to be able to watch your body change and have no control over it whatsoever, and to know that nothing you do will stop or speed up the process. usually you get fat (eating too much) or thin (working out/not eating) but ultimately it's your choices and actions that make the difference. not this time, and it's weird! i mean, i feel like a spectator in some sense... i get to wake up and say "oh, look, it's bigger! funny." and it is funny.

but i got some cute sweaters to fit over the expansion so i am ready for winter! now i just need a few more warmish skirts and i'll be set :)

no new reminders (aka symptoms) lately... headaches remain pretty mild but otherwise i feel great. yay!

well, i am waiting for nate to send me scans of the polaroids he has been taking of my belly. the last one was pretty disturbing to see! i don't feel that fat, but boy was the picture screaming "look at that belly!" ah well, at least i have proof the baby is growing like it's supposed to.

today someone (who knows i am pregnant) said "awww you are getting a belly!" and i wasn't sure whether to be appreciative that somebody knows it isn't fat or whine that everybody else probably thinks it is. but i am wearing this cute, kinda tight sweater/dress thing with pants under it, and i noticed in the bathroom mirror that my pants are creating an indent around the waistband because THEY ARE TOO TIGHT NOW! cue the rubber band trick (thanks karen)!

babycenter.com says: "Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length..." and apparently i am now supposed to be gaining a pound a week for the rest of the pregnancy! i only gained 1 pound between weeks 8 and 12 though, so we'll see on wednesday how much i've gained between 12 and 16. probably 5 pounds. sheesh.

but--completely unrelated to my weight gain--i need to start walking or biking again. since it's been getting dark earlier i stopped my evening walks, but i know realize i can't afford to. my legs are sore as $%^& after an early morning... ah, shall we say, exertion? seriously. my legs should not be this sore from that. and i've noticed that i get really dizzy and winded walking up stairs. my heart pounds.

i know this is all normal pregnancy stuff but i should be helping by getting more exercise. and i need to eat more veggies. this baby is really into protein and fat, so those tend to be the first things i reach for when i get hungry!

and i have become officially--and intimately--acquainted with that thing 'they' term "pregnancy brain." oh yes. like the world just broke apart into puzzle pieces and i am a monkey with 5 thumbs who can't figure out how to put it back together. logic no longer travels in a straight line. all is confusion and befuddlement. it would be funny if i wasn't most definitely frustrating the people around me... haha.

so. we're going down to west palm beach to hang out with matt's mom, brother, his new wife, their new baby, his kid, and her kid for thanksgiving. it should be interesting... the family just went from one grandchild to 3.5 in a matter of months! but we are renting a car so this might end up being the first comfortable drive to south florida i've made since lauren moved to texas. plus it will be a nice holiday just to get out of the house for a few days... maybe i will get to stick my feet in the ocean for once... *yearn*

over the weekend i thought i felt something, and then again on tuesday sitting in the tattoo shop with matt... but today i KNOW i felt it!

funny little butterfly tickles way down in my pelvis :)

it happened while i was racing around the building gathering things to be delivered someplace, and i was hungry... so i guess the baby was rustling around in frustration wanting me to eat and stop stomping around! i felt it off and on for a good 30 minutes. it's really cool! very tickly, like there's a little bug crawling and i want to shoo it away.

*laughing* now i feel it again! it knows i am thinking about it... (ergh i wish i could stop saying "it!")

i keep telling myself this belly i am getting is just fat, or water, or undigested food... but i just looked at some pics of 9 week-old bellies for first time moms, and no, it's possible i really am getting a true belly that isn't all about bloated intenstines. it's very surreal to look at these huge women and have to accept that at some point soon that will be me, too. ahhhh!

on the other hand, it will be nice when i can stop wondering if passersby just think i'm chubby..!

and i saw my first pic of truly horrendous stretch marks also. omfg i could not have imagined they could be so disgusting. *whips out the belly butter she made for herself* i will be bathing in this crap from here on... i'm already afraid my boobs are going to get stretchies if i don't start soon!

ah, the joys of early pregnancy. and yes, i feel nauseous today (just like every day). as i write this a powerful wave of uh-oh-i'm-actually-going-to-barf is flowing over me... crap!