i'm combining these two subjects because they are interrelated and i'm way behind in terms of keeping a current record of things for my own future reference...
the postpartum experience
otherwise known as "the downside to childbirth:"
- my nether region felt bruised beyond comprehension for about two weeks; it was really a chore to walk (waddle, really) for quite a while. no pain from the stitches, thankfully, but the bruised feeling was bad enough.
- uncontrollable crying for nearly two weeks. i wasn't depressed (at all) but i found myself bawling at random intervals in all-consuming bursts of raw emotion. it was worse when i was tired; twice when i tried to nap i ended up hysterical over nonsense for hours at a time, such that my mother-in-law tried to convince matt i needed therapy. it was just the hormones working out of my system...
- impossibly terrible, excruciating, laborious bowel movements. i hate to talk about this, but seriously, it should not take an hour and constant lamaze-style breathing to complete a normal bodily function (despite having missed out on it myself, i now know what it must feel like to birth a baby unassisted, crowning and all. seriously). combine the physical difficulty with an intense fear of ripping stitches--and feeling like they will--and you get a very unhappy mama. this continued for a week and later reoccured as well.
- tiredness. happily, i have not experienced the infamous "sleep deprivation" problems that so many parents complain of--my baby is a good sleeper and i don't mind waking up a few times a night. but after 5 days of no sleep pre- and post-labor, exhaustion doesn't begin to explain it. and i couldn't nap because i just kept crying every time i tried.
- bleeding for 2.5 weeks. not that bad really but a tad bit annoying. combine it with a freakish amount of gross tissue (retained placental fragments) coming out around 2 weeks and it gets a little worse.
- urinary incontinence. oh yes. i was horrified and so worried it would continue, but thankfully i have recovered most of the muscle tone down there and don't leak pee anymore. i still have to be careful if i'm messing with running water on a full bladder, but i'm confident that will go away shortly.
- "baby fat." 30 pounds of it.
- surprise pain in the stitches at week 5; apparently something tore or a stitch fell out and now it burns like hell to pee and nevermind the other...
- fear that i will never be totally recovered or back to myself; specifically, an intense fear of sex. i'm afraid it will hurt, i'm afraid it will be disappointing for matt, i'm afraid that it "won't work" in some way or another,* and i'm afraid that being afraid will ruin it. i dread the thought of having sex again, as much as i want to... i guess i'm basically just afraid that it won't be the same. i'm sure it won't, actually... i'm scared to know just how different it will be.
those are the main things that suck after having a baby, at least for me. it's also very frustrating not to be able to do normal things for yourself, like shower every day, clean the house consistently, make food when you get hungry, and leave the house at-will, but those are secondary to the actual issues in my opinion.
planet motherhood
in the business of being born, one of the women says of birth: "it's like somebody flips a light switch and you go to the moon." that is a perfect description of 'what it's like to be a mother'... you're still you, but it's like you shifted into a parallel reality, you're operating on a totally different frequency from before. i am no longer the main character in my own life, and i can't even remember what it was like ever to have been. now is all there ever was, and baby is the center of the universe. i'm relieved that it's possible to feel that way and still not give a crap about pink lace dresses and cutesy bullshit; it's not like i instantly became a soccer mom or queen of the playgroup, i just had my brain switched out for a different model somewhere during labor, and this new one sees everything from the perspective of a mother.
mothers know fear. one of the episodes of hysteria i mentioned before was due to my realization of all this... i was laying down to nap and suddenly i was struck with the thought of something--who knows what--happening to rowan, and my world may as well have collapsed around me. i lost it completely, and learned in that moment what it means to fear. i had never been afraid until that moment, and now i carry that understanding with me all the time... it is the scariest thing imaginable to think that something might happen to your baby. ever. i forgive my mother all the times she annoyingly grabbed my arm while crossing the street, or whatever.
my capacity to love has increased exponentially. nevermind the all-consuming, throbbing-through-my-veins love that i have for my baby (and her daddy by extension, in addition to his own merit), i find myself overcome with love for the innocent in general now, to a degree i never knew before. my heart breaks at the thought of any baby sad, scared, in pain, or just without love. they are SO vulnerable and so needy and deserve only love and comfort. i read a story recently in the local news about a newborn left in a box on the side of the road (she was ok in the end) and i cried for an hour in sorrow over it. we watched the curious case of benjamin button and i almost lost it in empathy for the poor little old man baby at the beginning. it is now outside of my ability to imagine how anyone could hurt or abandon a baby. i could love any baby.
i am more patient than i ever thought possible. scream as she may, i can love her and wait it out.
i now understand what it means to be someone's child. all my life i have been slightly irritated by and cold towards my mother's undying affection (and deep need to share it)... it's my own little issue: having trouble expressing familial love despite feeling it. but things look very different to me now, having a daughter of my own who i want nothing more than to hold and cuddle and love. i feel terrible now for all the times i was unresponsive to her love, knowing what it must feel like to have my baby brush off my affection. i understand how much it means to a parent to get a smile or a hug or a kiss from their baby, and i am sorry i was so stingy with mine. in a similar way, i realize now what my mom means to me; i understand what it means that she is my mother just as i am her child. i need her now as much as i did when she rocked me to sleep every night.
there are so many little things to love about being a mother... when she sleeps for more than a few hours, i miss her and have to fight myself not to wake her up, when she nurses she uses her expressive little hands to "knead" my breast like a kitten, just before and after a smile she sticks out her tongue and when she smiles she cocks her head and scrunches up her nose adorably, when i change her diaper she wiggles and grunts and makes funny faces at me, in the bath she always looks surprised and delighted by the warm water and fights me when i massage her until she realizes it feels good, her silly "poop faces" that my sister made a song about... so many things. you really can't imagine how much you will love them until they show up.
and despite the tiredness, the frustration, the lack of control over your own life, as soon as they smile at you again you forgive all of it and would gladly do it again.
there is nothing better in the world to me than that crazy little grin.
*too much information warning!: the first time i attempted to orgasm post-partum there was an intense painful ache in my vagina afterwards, and it has come back every time since. i can't find any info on what or why so far... but it sucks. at least i can still have them, i guess.
the postpartum experience
otherwise known as "the downside to childbirth:"
- my nether region felt bruised beyond comprehension for about two weeks; it was really a chore to walk (waddle, really) for quite a while. no pain from the stitches, thankfully, but the bruised feeling was bad enough.
- uncontrollable crying for nearly two weeks. i wasn't depressed (at all) but i found myself bawling at random intervals in all-consuming bursts of raw emotion. it was worse when i was tired; twice when i tried to nap i ended up hysterical over nonsense for hours at a time, such that my mother-in-law tried to convince matt i needed therapy. it was just the hormones working out of my system...
- impossibly terrible, excruciating, laborious bowel movements. i hate to talk about this, but seriously, it should not take an hour and constant lamaze-style breathing to complete a normal bodily function (despite having missed out on it myself, i now know what it must feel like to birth a baby unassisted, crowning and all. seriously). combine the physical difficulty with an intense fear of ripping stitches--and feeling like they will--and you get a very unhappy mama. this continued for a week and later reoccured as well.
- tiredness. happily, i have not experienced the infamous "sleep deprivation" problems that so many parents complain of--my baby is a good sleeper and i don't mind waking up a few times a night. but after 5 days of no sleep pre- and post-labor, exhaustion doesn't begin to explain it. and i couldn't nap because i just kept crying every time i tried.
- bleeding for 2.5 weeks. not that bad really but a tad bit annoying. combine it with a freakish amount of gross tissue (retained placental fragments) coming out around 2 weeks and it gets a little worse.
- urinary incontinence. oh yes. i was horrified and so worried it would continue, but thankfully i have recovered most of the muscle tone down there and don't leak pee anymore. i still have to be careful if i'm messing with running water on a full bladder, but i'm confident that will go away shortly.
- "baby fat." 30 pounds of it.
- surprise pain in the stitches at week 5; apparently something tore or a stitch fell out and now it burns like hell to pee and nevermind the other...
- fear that i will never be totally recovered or back to myself; specifically, an intense fear of sex. i'm afraid it will hurt, i'm afraid it will be disappointing for matt, i'm afraid that it "won't work" in some way or another,* and i'm afraid that being afraid will ruin it. i dread the thought of having sex again, as much as i want to... i guess i'm basically just afraid that it won't be the same. i'm sure it won't, actually... i'm scared to know just how different it will be.
those are the main things that suck after having a baby, at least for me. it's also very frustrating not to be able to do normal things for yourself, like shower every day, clean the house consistently, make food when you get hungry, and leave the house at-will, but those are secondary to the actual issues in my opinion.
planet motherhood
in the business of being born, one of the women says of birth: "it's like somebody flips a light switch and you go to the moon." that is a perfect description of 'what it's like to be a mother'... you're still you, but it's like you shifted into a parallel reality, you're operating on a totally different frequency from before. i am no longer the main character in my own life, and i can't even remember what it was like ever to have been. now is all there ever was, and baby is the center of the universe. i'm relieved that it's possible to feel that way and still not give a crap about pink lace dresses and cutesy bullshit; it's not like i instantly became a soccer mom or queen of the playgroup, i just had my brain switched out for a different model somewhere during labor, and this new one sees everything from the perspective of a mother.
mothers know fear. one of the episodes of hysteria i mentioned before was due to my realization of all this... i was laying down to nap and suddenly i was struck with the thought of something--who knows what--happening to rowan, and my world may as well have collapsed around me. i lost it completely, and learned in that moment what it means to fear. i had never been afraid until that moment, and now i carry that understanding with me all the time... it is the scariest thing imaginable to think that something might happen to your baby. ever. i forgive my mother all the times she annoyingly grabbed my arm while crossing the street, or whatever.
my capacity to love has increased exponentially. nevermind the all-consuming, throbbing-through-my-veins love that i have for my baby (and her daddy by extension, in addition to his own merit), i find myself overcome with love for the innocent in general now, to a degree i never knew before. my heart breaks at the thought of any baby sad, scared, in pain, or just without love. they are SO vulnerable and so needy and deserve only love and comfort. i read a story recently in the local news about a newborn left in a box on the side of the road (she was ok in the end) and i cried for an hour in sorrow over it. we watched the curious case of benjamin button and i almost lost it in empathy for the poor little old man baby at the beginning. it is now outside of my ability to imagine how anyone could hurt or abandon a baby. i could love any baby.
i am more patient than i ever thought possible. scream as she may, i can love her and wait it out.
i now understand what it means to be someone's child. all my life i have been slightly irritated by and cold towards my mother's undying affection (and deep need to share it)... it's my own little issue: having trouble expressing familial love despite feeling it. but things look very different to me now, having a daughter of my own who i want nothing more than to hold and cuddle and love. i feel terrible now for all the times i was unresponsive to her love, knowing what it must feel like to have my baby brush off my affection. i understand how much it means to a parent to get a smile or a hug or a kiss from their baby, and i am sorry i was so stingy with mine. in a similar way, i realize now what my mom means to me; i understand what it means that she is my mother just as i am her child. i need her now as much as i did when she rocked me to sleep every night.
there are so many little things to love about being a mother... when she sleeps for more than a few hours, i miss her and have to fight myself not to wake her up, when she nurses she uses her expressive little hands to "knead" my breast like a kitten, just before and after a smile she sticks out her tongue and when she smiles she cocks her head and scrunches up her nose adorably, when i change her diaper she wiggles and grunts and makes funny faces at me, in the bath she always looks surprised and delighted by the warm water and fights me when i massage her until she realizes it feels good, her silly "poop faces" that my sister made a song about... so many things. you really can't imagine how much you will love them until they show up.
and despite the tiredness, the frustration, the lack of control over your own life, as soon as they smile at you again you forgive all of it and would gladly do it again.
there is nothing better in the world to me than that crazy little grin.*too much information warning!: the first time i attempted to orgasm post-partum there was an intense painful ache in my vagina afterwards, and it has come back every time since. i can't find any info on what or why so far... but it sucks. at least i can still have them, i guess.
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