of all the things i could be worrying about regarding birth, babies, and child-rearing, the one thing that concerns me the most is how to deal with bedtime. frankly, i'm scared. i'm scared of having an uber-dependent child (possible) and i'm scared of finding that i want her to be uber-dependent (unlikely). but after reading quite a bit from other moms i just don't know what to think.
the two polar-opposite opinions go like this, and they both appall me, honestly:
cry-it-out
just like it sounds. it's bedtime, you put them down, and they deal. maybe it takes weeks of a screaming, tantruming, distressed little kid, but eventually they learn to "self-soothe" and all is (presumably) well. except they may have lasting anxiety problems or a preponderance to PTSD down the line?? i know my parents and their parents used this method, to some extent, on me and my cousins. seemed to work ok, but watch out--you will be criticized for being a cruel, heartless mother if you join any parenting forums and actually admit to using CIO. attachment parenting is the "in" thing these days. it does seem pretty effed-up to let a baby cry--its only means of communication--and not respond, however. i'm not sure i could or would want to do that.
parent-to-sleep or co-sleeping
co-sleeping is again, self-explanatory. you share the bed with junior until... until when? that depends. i know some people who have 6-year olds in their bed. i have no desire for that. i like having alone time with my husband, and considering that baby will soon be the center of both our worlds, i think it's important to preserve a "sacred space" for just us. the philosophy of attachment parenting is basically "through allowing my child to be dependent when she needs to, I give her the confidence to be independent when she’s ready." it's a great philosophy at heart, and there are many outgrowths of it that i do agree very much with, but the problem i see with it seems to be recurrent: parents (moms especially) use it as an excuse to over-coddle and indulge THEIR OWN little desires with regards to their children. i just read a ton of responses to a post on babycenter.com in which most of the women arguing for 'parenting-to-sleep' (which is basically attending the child on their terms until they fall asleep in your arms or you sleep in the bed with them) cite their own need to feel closeness as the main, if not the only, reason for avoiding more independent sleep routines. moms who don't want to give up nursing or bemoan 'how fast they grow' as a good reason to extend the babying days as long as possible... something about that makes my skin crawl a little bit. i can't help it--i don't mean to be so.. whatever it is i am being. but the day i continue to nurse my child because *I* want to, and not because she really needs it, is the day i stop altogether.
the thought that i may become the kind of person who grasps at something as fleeting as infancy and 'cuddling time'--and would go so far as to deliberately sabotage my own efforts to remedy the situation by failing to enforce change--terrifies me. is that what motherhood does to us? it explains a lot, if so.
anyway my question here is, "how the hell do you find a happy middle ground between being too present, and creating dependence, and being too unavailable, and inducing stress?"
the last thing i want is to find myself required to be a bedside attendant for several hours a night while a little one falls asleep. i get frustrated enough being a bedside attendant for matt for 20 minutes in the morning while he wakes up... i need to know i can preserve my own independence AT LEAST when it comes to bedtime. i already know i will lose it in regards to most other things, so i guess this is just the one subject i don't want to budge about.
but i can't imagine allowing her to cry herself to sleep... "The fact remains that “crying it out” simply does not work the way proponents of the Ferber method believe. An infant has not the faculties to cry hysterically, get it out of his system, and then lull into slumber. No, he has merely submitted into exhaustion once it becomes clear that his caretakers are not coming to help him." yes, i do not think despair is good for infants.
so what do i do? i borrowed the no-cry sleep solution from the birth center, so i'm hoping it will answer all my questions. either that, or that rowan is naturally a sleepy, content little girl! if we can only be so lucky.
i don't know why, but this really stresses me out! i want her to be naturally independent and that's just not something i can control... or can i? but then what if she is, and it upsets me? AGH! i think that would be worse. *sigh*
the two polar-opposite opinions go like this, and they both appall me, honestly:
cry-it-out
just like it sounds. it's bedtime, you put them down, and they deal. maybe it takes weeks of a screaming, tantruming, distressed little kid, but eventually they learn to "self-soothe" and all is (presumably) well. except they may have lasting anxiety problems or a preponderance to PTSD down the line?? i know my parents and their parents used this method, to some extent, on me and my cousins. seemed to work ok, but watch out--you will be criticized for being a cruel, heartless mother if you join any parenting forums and actually admit to using CIO. attachment parenting is the "in" thing these days. it does seem pretty effed-up to let a baby cry--its only means of communication--and not respond, however. i'm not sure i could or would want to do that.
parent-to-sleep or co-sleeping
co-sleeping is again, self-explanatory. you share the bed with junior until... until when? that depends. i know some people who have 6-year olds in their bed. i have no desire for that. i like having alone time with my husband, and considering that baby will soon be the center of both our worlds, i think it's important to preserve a "sacred space" for just us. the philosophy of attachment parenting is basically "through allowing my child to be dependent when she needs to, I give her the confidence to be independent when she’s ready." it's a great philosophy at heart, and there are many outgrowths of it that i do agree very much with, but the problem i see with it seems to be recurrent: parents (moms especially) use it as an excuse to over-coddle and indulge THEIR OWN little desires with regards to their children. i just read a ton of responses to a post on babycenter.com in which most of the women arguing for 'parenting-to-sleep' (which is basically attending the child on their terms until they fall asleep in your arms or you sleep in the bed with them) cite their own need to feel closeness as the main, if not the only, reason for avoiding more independent sleep routines. moms who don't want to give up nursing or bemoan 'how fast they grow' as a good reason to extend the babying days as long as possible... something about that makes my skin crawl a little bit. i can't help it--i don't mean to be so.. whatever it is i am being. but the day i continue to nurse my child because *I* want to, and not because she really needs it, is the day i stop altogether.
the thought that i may become the kind of person who grasps at something as fleeting as infancy and 'cuddling time'--and would go so far as to deliberately sabotage my own efforts to remedy the situation by failing to enforce change--terrifies me. is that what motherhood does to us? it explains a lot, if so.
anyway my question here is, "how the hell do you find a happy middle ground between being too present, and creating dependence, and being too unavailable, and inducing stress?"
the last thing i want is to find myself required to be a bedside attendant for several hours a night while a little one falls asleep. i get frustrated enough being a bedside attendant for matt for 20 minutes in the morning while he wakes up... i need to know i can preserve my own independence AT LEAST when it comes to bedtime. i already know i will lose it in regards to most other things, so i guess this is just the one subject i don't want to budge about.
but i can't imagine allowing her to cry herself to sleep... "The fact remains that “crying it out” simply does not work the way proponents of the Ferber method believe. An infant has not the faculties to cry hysterically, get it out of his system, and then lull into slumber. No, he has merely submitted into exhaustion once it becomes clear that his caretakers are not coming to help him." yes, i do not think despair is good for infants.
so what do i do? i borrowed the no-cry sleep solution from the birth center, so i'm hoping it will answer all my questions. either that, or that rowan is naturally a sleepy, content little girl! if we can only be so lucky.
i don't know why, but this really stresses me out! i want her to be naturally independent and that's just not something i can control... or can i? but then what if she is, and it upsets me? AGH! i think that would be worse. *sigh*
Posts
April 1, 2009 at 8:08 PM
I just wanted to share my own experiences with this. First, I recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution for sure. That is a very helpful book. Also when my daughter was a little over 1 year old I started doing Dr Jay Gordons nightweaning method which meant I finally started to get some sleep at night! And I think helped with the later transition to her bed.
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp
I recommend his book if you do decide to co sleep.
With my daughter, I never did cry it out and she slept with me til she was almost 2. Then I started transitioning her to her own bed and it was a gradual process but ultimately she was sleeping happily on her own within a few months.
Today as an almost 6 year old and ever since she started sleeping on her own, she loves to go to bed. I put her to bed at 7 30 these days and I never have problems. I like to think that it was because I met her needs as a baby and she associates bedtime and sleeping with happiness and comfort, rather than fear and uncertainty. Obviously, you have to do what works for you, I just wanted to share my experiences. :)
April 2, 2009 at 2:43 PM
Rhiannon,
Honestly, I think if you listen to your instincts (strong and accurate as they are) you will not have a problem. Our baby has turned out to be an "easy" baby in most areas, so that may cloud my judgement a little, but we let her co-sleep/ sleep in a bassinet in our room until she was 6 months and then began using her crib exclusively. We began introducing her to her crib as a napping alternative when she was 4-5 months old and tried to let her just get used to the space. We would let her "hang out" in the crib even if she did not fall asleep. This seemed to make everything easier and when we put her in the crib to sleep around 6 months we didn't have too many problems at all. We never let her "cry it out" but did allow for a few minutes of fussing (less than 5) before we would enter her room and assure her that we were nearby and everything was alright. We couldn't just let her cry it out...
She is a great sleeper now and unless she is sick, we never have a problem putting her to sleep. I think routine and consistency are key though. Except for obvious times when extra snuggling are required- illness/ teething etc.
I think you will be able to sense what is best for your little one...is she scared and really need you to be there with her at bedtime, or is she just overly tired and need to fuss for two minutes before falling alseep? By the time it becomes an issue (6 months or so) you will know how to read her cries/ moods.
Good luck and don't worry :)