september mama

so i am finally done with work and have been home since friday... and i haven't rested at all so far! matt has been awesome getting all the shit around the house done--we have new floors, new walls, and he's working on finishing the bar--and i can honestly say for the first time since we moved in 4 years ago our house actually feels like a home (and not a garage). it's freaking fantastic.

the only problem is that i have apparently gone psychotic and expect every surface to be spotless and sterile 24/7. i wake up (at 730) and start cleaning, and once it's perfectly clean, i clean more. then matt comes home and everything he puts down, touches, uses, or leaves out makes me want to scream... i have to stop myself from following him around like a little cleaning goblin. i guess this is what they call "nesting" because it is completely out of my control. i am single-minded.

a few nights ago i cleaned our back room--an enclosed porch--which is basically power tool storage and our screenprinting studio (plus the dogs sleep in their cages back there) so the room is constantly piling up with dust, dirt, and dog hair and normally i just worry about keeping the printing surface clean, though every now and then i would sweep or something. the other night i found myself scouring the place. literally. it looks awesome now, but why did i do that? i have no idea. it's not like rowan will EVER be allowed back there, what with the nails, saws, chemicals, and such... but, there it is. i even cleaned matt's big old filthy truck today just because he asked if i wanted to. it's a little frightening.

i also painted our lovely new walls. we chose a stormy sort of steel blue and i must say it looks quite nice. in fact, here is a pic:
it's a bit bare, but see the new floors? yay! they are so easy to keep clean. we will be putting floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on the righthand wall as soon as matt has time to build them. we have literally a whole room stacked full of books that desperately need a home, and that wall is basically wasted space otherwise.

oh and i planted a little flower garden in the front walkway using plants that were given to us by this great lady matt has been working for--she has incredible english-style gardens throughout her yard and she gave us free reign to steal whatever we wanted... so we did. and i planted them all a few days ago. most of them are doing ok but a few of the transplants seem like they may not make it, unfortunately. matt has a grand plan to landscape the whole front yard into meandering flower beds with mulch walkways in between. i said as long as it's all free i'm totally into it. so we've made a start, and it looks pretty good.

anyway. so i am a week from the due date if we're going by mr. doctor's assessment! a few extra days if not. tonight was my official "intuitive" prediction, but i don't really see that happening at this point; she's being her usual bouncy self right on time as we speak. oh, so i recently learned what a "braxton hicks contraction" really is--i have been having them for MONTHS and never knew it because the descriptions (in books, online, from others) are so wretched! every so often my belly will do this thing where it gets really tight to the touch, like she's pushed herself really hard in one direction and has run out of room, and i always thought it was just her... but no, that's a BH. so to the other pregnant ladies out there, BH are when your belly is suddenly really weird--like bunched up and lopsided or pointy--for no apparent reason. and it should feel hard to the touch. for me i feel nothing when this happens, like no pain or anything, but they have started happening 20+ times a day or so. it's interesting.

i also last 3 pounds this week, which is normal enough, and honestly i don't know what else i expected. i went from 9 months on my ass doing nothing to being home and busting it for 12 hours a day... of course i am going to lose a few pounds. if i had been home the whole time, i bet i would have only gained half what i have. maybe in the next life. but at least i know i should be able to lose the baby weight easily enough if i keep my activity levels pretty high. i'm really banking on the claim that breastfeeding is the magical cure for pregnancy fat, lol. it's hard to see myself so out of shape--i can't wait to have my body back. i've really grown an appreciation for what i had (or could've/should've had) now that i lost it! but it's ok--i'm not stressed or worried about it, because i've gained and lost weight enough times in my life to know it's a pretty straightforward process. the key is not to get overwhelmed with apparent lack of progress and keep at it... you never notice you are losing weight until one day you see a pic of what you used to look like.

crazy news: my lovely doula/super awesome bff is pregnant too! she just found out a few days ago, and it is possibly the coolest thing that could've happened at this point. we will have kids 9 months apart now, instead of 4-5 years! i'm so excited for her. and rowan. it's important to have cool friends! :) i think she's having a girl also, but we'll see... if it's a boy he's going to have some competition for her betrothal, lol. there are so many eligible baby boys around these days.

so my plan for the rest of this pregnancy, now that i have mostly finished my "to do" list, is to:
-finish a few chores (laundry/minor stuff)
-find a place to go swimming, preferably beach or springs on a hot day
-henna my hair, hands, and feet and spend the staining time relaxing
-sleep for a whole day
-maybe make some (more) food for the freezer if i feel like it. already got a great lemongrass ginger fish soup and some banana raisin spice bread :) and i know my friends have plans to deliver postpartum food, bless them.

the midwives say i'm doing fine (i was GBS neg, yay), looking "great," my blood pressure is "great," and her heart rate is "great," so... we just wait. i'm ok with another week of waiting. after that i might start to... encourage... labor in the few natural ways i know how. we'll see. as soon as i get my whole day of sleep i am ready for labor. today i made my "mama tea" blend, my healing bath tea blend, and a little bottle of hooha healer spray/pad soak liquid for afterwards. and of course i've got some of t.w.i.n.k. beauty's healing salve c/o me! that stuff is magical. i'm just going to assume the worst (a moderate tear) and plan to have supplies on hand to deal with that healing process. the mama tea is mix of physical/mental rejuvenators and some lactation aids, so hopefully that will be useful. i've been drinking raspberry leaf since the beginning of this pregnancy, and for the last 3 months i've added hibiscus and rose hips to it, and man i can drink that stuff by the gallon. it's tasty and i swear i can feel it nourishing me. so now i'm adding some extra herbs specifically for the post-birth trauma to help my body go back to normal as easily as possible.

i'm going to end this abruptly because i just remembered i need to look something up for a friend; but i think i have run out of things to say anyway. i'll try to update more often as labor approaches, to document every little weird change that might be signaling its commencement. :P

ok i feel weird. just weird. i'm nauseous and my stomach is disturbed for no apparent reason--i have not eaten or drunk anything strange at all.

last night we were watching a movie and as i sat there on the perfectly cushiony couch i was SO uncomfortable i actually cried about it a little bit. my back was hurting and i couldn't find a good position, rowan was kicking me constantly, my feet were sore, and my accelerated heart rate totally prevented me from relaxing. it was crappy! then i went to bed (and slept well b/c it was so late and i was so tired) except for waking up with stabbing pains in my ribs and then odd other pains in my belly. part of me really hopes labor is impending and the other part needs more time to prepare... but somehow i get the feeling it is totally not up to me.

good news though, matt finished the drywall in the living/dining rooms (YAY) so we can now paint and install the floors, which i imagine he will start on today. it's great. the room looks so much better already, even with just primer on the walls. we picked a nice stormy blue color for the walls that i think will look great.

(a few hours later)

omg... i am nearly ready to use the word "miserable" here. she's constantly squirming and with the baby-to-belly ratio as it is, that is not comfortable at all. i'm exhausted. my back hurts. my boobs started to hurt again. and i'm STILL sort of nauseous but it's hard to tell if it's just from all her wiggling pushing on my stomach or what. i'd say all i want to do is lay down and sleep, but laying down is no more comfortable than sitting up, really. i want to sit in a hot tub in a cold room. and magically sleep while floating weightless in the water.

at least i don't seem to be gaining any more weight... i didn't change between my last two appointments (which is great because as of right now i have about 50lbs to lose! i'm really banking on that 15-20 we supposedly lose during labor...egads). i just want to crumple into a blobbish wad on the floor and feel like myself again.

i'm not having any mood issues, oddly enough, but because my body is whacked out i'm not very interesting or interested in anything so i *seem* depressed/grumpy. i'm just uncomfortable.

i don't think i can do three more weeks of this. labor will be a blessing when it finally happens.

oh monty python. the hospital birth sketch... not funny because it's true.

the only thing that is (tragically, ironically) amusing about this is that they take the baby from her vagina instead of cutting it out of her. if they parodied like this nowadays, that would not be the case.



yep.

in closing, some words of wisdom from leilah mccracken, mother of 8(?) and co-founder of BirthLove:
you are not a machine. you are Life. remember that, and don't let anybody take your creative, infinite power away from you.

a while ago i posted briefly about this re: the upcoming documentary the other side of the glass. the issue at hand has to do with the way fathers are treated during conventional hospital birth, and the effect that has on them and their partners and babies.

initially, my instinct (and the filmmaker's) was that YES fathers are imperative at the births of their babies, they provide emotional support for the mother, comfort for the baby, and much-needed protection for both. in a lot of ways i think the only people who should be present at the birth are the two people who were present when the baby was made. i do not disagree with my first impressions, but i am beginning to wonder whether it is only now, when woman are forced to defend themselves alone during birth or risk being subjected to others' directives, that we need our men to stand watch for us. are men really supposed to be part of birth, evolutionarily?

my instinct says, maybe not. maybe we are doing them no favor by expecting their presence during such a confusing, powerful, woman-centered event. maybe we are doing ourselves no favor by requiring their adrenaline-laden presences in our sacred birth spaces. i wonder?

michel odent, servant of natural birth worldwide (and notably, a man himself), asks this in terms of the newly emerging recognition of a male post-natal depression epidemic:

Is the participation of the father at birth dangerous?

Around 1970, when theoreticians introduced new doctrines, they did not consider the effects of extreme emotional reactions some men may experience when their wife/partner is giving birth. To support their theories, they anticipated that participation of the father would strengthen ties between partners and that rates of divorce and separation would dramatically decrease. They assumed that the presence of the baby’s father, as a familiar person, would make the birth easier. By introducing the concept of male postnatal depression we first want to emphasize that many relevant questions were not raised at that time.

Among the questions that have not been raised properly were those about the possible influence of the participation of the father at birth on the sexual life of the couple afterwards. Through such a question we introduce the complex issue of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is mysterious: mystery has a role to play in inducing and cultivating sexual attraction. I had opportunities in the past to talk about the birth of their baby with women who were themselves born at the end of the 19th century. They could not imagine being watched by their husband when giving birth: "and what about our sexual life afterwards?" was their most common reaction. Today I am amazed by the great number of couples who split off some years after a wonderful birth according to the modern criteria. They remain good friends but they are not sexual partners any longer. It is as if the birth of the baby had reinforced their comradeship while sexual attraction was fading away.

We must add that the theoreticians of the 1970s had not understood that in order to give birth, a woman must put to rest her neocortex and her 'fight and flight system' (i.e. maintaining a low level of adrenaline). If they had understood this, they would have been more cautious before routinely introducing in to the birthing place a male neocortex stimulated by a release of adrenaline. They would have understood that when a man loves his partner, his anxiety during birth is normal and that his adrenaline release is highly contagious.

personally i would like to think that the sex relationship between partners would not be affected by birth, but really: how could it not be? i have read anecdotal evidence about male OB students who were impotent for months after watching a birth--just imagine if it was your partner you had to watch turn inside out... there MUST be some weird subconscious guilt (at having assisted in doing that to her) and revulsion (at seeing the prized parts so unceremoniously exposed) associated with that experience. it's not insignificant, if you ask me. perhaps less important when weighed against participating in the birth of your own child, yes, but not insignificant.

from what i can gather about the next part of the other side of the glass being worked on, she is going to address the fact that during birth, men become equally as vulnerable as women, watching the impossible happen... she equates it hormonally to the moment before orgasm when one is completely open and receptive, and brings in the idea that not only do the women need protection, but the men do too! she seems to suggest that men need a backup to allow them to open in the way that they are naturally inclined to do during the birth of their babies. (doula, anyone?) which to me is an interesting sort of sideways counterpoint to odent's assessment. perhaps the supported father--with another man or doula to metaphorically watch his back during birth--would not suffer the same anxiety and stress as a man forced to bear sole burden for protecting his partner during her--and his own--most vulnerable moment. just a thought.

historically and in traditional/native cultures, birth is exclusively the domain of women. we can talk about couvade (when men exhibit physical or feigned symptoms to parallel those of their wives) but the point is that men are *almost never* normally included in the actual birth of their children. women are attended by women. maybe instinctively we know that men do not add anything or receive any benefit from the participation in birth...

though a little part of me feels strongly that i need matt to see me do this--i want him to be a part of this massively important moment in my (and our) life, and to be proud and maybe a little bit awed that i can do it, and to see her and touch her before anybody else does--i can't help but wonder about these things. and wonder if he wouldn't be more comfortable knowing he isn't forced to be at my side and watch while i'm in pain. or my body does frightening things. haha. i mean, i know of course i want him to be there during labor, hopefully in the tub with me, but i think i am going to ask him how HE feels about it, since i honestly don't know if i have. i sort of just took the attitude of "damn right you will be at my side" and maybe that wasn't fair. and maybe his stress (if he is afraid to be there but forced) will be worse than not having him in the room...

i wonder what he will do, given the option?

i'm feeling a lot of interesting things lately, though "feeling" isn't quite the right word. "sensing" or "anticipating" maybe fits better.

i have a strange, calm sort of excitement about the birth. it sounds silly but it's not as much about finally meeting her--though of course that is awesome--as it is about the process of birth itself. i feel as if i am approaching a point-of-no-return spiritually, like i'm getting ready for a journey i can't even begin to speculate about; something completely otherworldly and life-changing.

having never done it before, i manage to have incredibly positive, and perhaps idealistic, feelings about birth... i imagine it as the greatest, most impossible task one could ever undertake, and knowing that i will get to the point of breaking where i "can't do it"--and still do it--is something i look forward to on a level i can't really describe. i want to break down completely, to give up, and then realize i'm not broken at all and come out singing. while i can understand on a physical and logical level why women might want painkillers for what is always described as the most painful experience ever, but emotionally and spiritually i cannot fathom agreeing with that. to me, numbing medication would be robbing myself of my own greatest experience. pain goes away... being able to know that i did it despite the pain is 100% worth it to me. there is a woman in the business of being born who expresses that birth can (and should) be the most empowering, triumphant experience of a woman's life, and that's basically how i feel about it. i am ready for the challenge and have no doubt about the outcome. women are made for this, and it is what makes us as strong as we are. we do the impossible as a matter of course.

i have been feeling a little... spacey?... but without the negative connotation; i've been having surges of spiritual energy or something like that, and it's making me aware of how irrelevant most of the things i spend my time on really are. i need to be secluded and quiet and a little bit out of touch to really embrace this. it's hard to be half-meditating at work! i have been listening to meditation podcasts at night to fall asleep, which is good, and i made a pandora station out of "new age/spa radio" music to listen to at work. this all started two fridays ago when i was exhausted, i went to the birth center and was told to go home from work and sleep, but instead of heading straight home i stopped at a little herb/crystal shop that i have been meaning to go to, and the second i walked in the door i reconnected with a part of myself that has been long repressed... it was like getting an auric massage just walking in the door. i didn't realize until then how caught-up i have become in the stupid things (stupid things=work), but now i do. the closer i get to birth the more strongly i feel that my life has to change. i know this is partly my saturn return waving from a distance and nudging me to get ready for what is to come. i had plans to pursue natural medicine that i have allowed to fall to a far back burner, but clearly they are not the kind of plans i can dismiss without a fight. which is good, because it will take a fight to put them into action. and it might take a number of years, as well, which i am fine with... there is no rush, as long as i can express myself as i wish without encumbrance.

i just can't bring myself to care about stupid things, or bills, or legal matters, or anything that doesn't directly relate to my growth as a spiritual being, or matt's, or how we are going to raise rowan. gardening, love, self-expression (of myself and others) and a harmonious home are the only things i give any concern to anymore. i'm half-afraid and half-hopeful that this will not change when the pregnancy is over. it is time for me to assert my needs, and to pursue what is important to me... all my intuition tells me that this drive will only become stronger after going through birth.

today was our 36 week appointment, and rowan is definitely head down and partially engaged. good news, now i can stop reading about how to turn a breech baby :). matt surprised me at the appointment by showing up, and he got to hear her heartbeat for the first time. and he felt her head through my abdomen. it was cute. i also took the GBS test so we'll see how that goes.

the difference between inner knowing that everything is perfect and will be perfect, and having external reality confirm it and say "yep" is really interesting. i have known from the beginning that this pregnancy (and birth) would be totally OK in every way, but somehow with each new confirmation of my intuition it gets more and more fun. i believe in informing myself of all possibilities regardless of what i really "feel" will happen--which is why i read everything and get worked up about stuff all the time--because i think it's important to understand fully all potential situation(s) even while i hope for and expect the best outcome. things are going as well as could be hoped for.

and rowan... she is an interesting being. i've had a sense of her since the beginning when i knew she was a girl, and it hasn't changed at all. of all the things i can't quite put into words, the one thing i can is "wisdom." it sounds silly but i never, ever think of her as a baby, a kid, or a noob at all... i relate to her as a fully sentient being who knows at least as much as i do about things, consciously or unconsciously. i don't think of her as a child. i think her "spirit" or whatever is way old and may even come out knowing exactly who she is. then again i may be completely wrong, but that's what my sense of her tells me. she's like an old monk or a sage spiritually, i think. and this funny little spirit i feel in the background, impatiently waiting its turn--her sister?--is so different from that. not unwise, but playful; almost mischievous. pregnancy does strange things to us. maybe i'm just hallucinating all of this via excess of hormones and imagination.

anyway... that's where i'm at.

last night i had my first "real" labor dream (i.e., one in which i experienced the whole thing from start to finish without any periods of unconsciousness or confusion). it all went very quickly and was completely without pain.

i'm not sure how it started, but suddenly i knew that she was about to arrive, and i was in the bathtub of the house i grew up in and my mom was there, so i told her quick to turn on the hot water and i sat down, knowing that i only had a few minutes left--there was no pain but i knew i was contracting, and i didn't have to push because it was all just happening--and i could feel her head coming out so i got on all fours and my mom caught her (then dropped her in the water), gave her to me, and all was fine. she was too big for a newborn, which i knew in the dream, but she was calm and there were no issues. the placenta came out a few minutes later. the midwives were in the next room still getting ready for the birth, and one of them poked their head in and saw me with the baby and she said something like "hold on we're almost ready for you" and i was thinking wtf? i just want to get out of the tub and into bed. and that's basically where it ended.

the interesting thing about this dream is that i was just talking to my mom yesterday about how i don't expect to want anyone, even her, in the room with me and matt and that i hope she isn't upset by that. i need to be as deep inside my animal-self as i can be, and i know that her presence will draw me into my mental-self and distract me slightly and that is the last thing i want to set myself up for. i've also read enough midwife-chatter to learn that many times the stress the grandmother is feeling at having to helplessly watch her child in pain translates into stress for the entire labor team. i imagine you become a pretty emotionally-connected group amidst a laboring woman, so i can see how that would be true. and i doubt my mom won't be able to sit quietly by and watch without trying to help, so unfortunately i am planning to keep everybody out unless i decide otherwise when the moment comes. it's not fair, and to an extent i am not giving her enough credit for her ability to handle crisis-type situations, but the fact is i KNOW how protective she is when anything threatens me or my sister, so in some way i am also trying to spare her the trauma of having to watch (and to spare myself the compound trauma of having to be in pain AND be in pain at watching her in pain because she's watching me in pain. see what i mean? it's easy to fall out the role of experiencer and into the role of observer/observed which as Odent says is terrible for facilitating natural birth).

so... that i would dream--in the first "successful" labor dream i've had--that my mom was the only one present is pretty interesting. i wonder where matt was? the midwives were too distracted "getting ready" for the birth to be there for it, and i get the feeling that i had no pain because i chose to have no pain. anyway, that was the dream.

as for "changes" i think perhaps rowan has "dropped" as of last night or this morning. i'm trying to figure out exactly what that is supposed to feel like, but i suddenly feel as though i have something pushing my pelvis apart ok now she's wiggling in two places, almost like there are more than one of her, and she's definitely not down in the pelvis. UNLESS her head is down there and her feet are splayed apart, each kicking one side of my belly. she can't pick a position and stick with it! i swear she rotates 10 times a day.

btw today is 36(+) weeks.

oh geez. i can't handle this... *sniffle* from gentlebirth.org:

Time is running out for my friend. We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family". What she means is that her biological clock is ticking and has begun its final countdown.

"We're taking a survey," she says, half joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully, keeping my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on the weekend, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbearing heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for child care, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonalds will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the lbs of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years - not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or never hesitates to play with his child.

I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my friend could sense the bond she'll feel with women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.

"You'll never regret it," I say finally. Then I reach across the table, squeeze my friend's hand, and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

***

i just want to say i made it through without tears until she started talking about loving her husband more... i have noticed a definite change between matt and i since he has been around (the past two months, post-graduation). i see a side of him i didn't expect, i guess. while i don't think the depth of emotion between us is any different than before, the expression of it, and what it means, is somehow changed. i think perhaps we are more committed, more important to each other, and more connected, even when we are both busy. her existence somehow bridged a natural gap of individuality between us and we are much more one-minded even when it isn't expressed. knowing he trusts me to birth his child, even though he hasn't said it--he doesn't doubt my ability to go it alone or without medication for a second--has also made me realize how much and why i love him. there is something completely unspeakable between us, and i think the fact that it is unquantifiable is the reason so many of our friends have trouble understanding what it is that made us get together (and get married, and stay together, and have a baby). it's something far below the surface, and i only recently realized it's even deeper than i thought. he will be a fantastic dad and a better husband for it. he already is.

i find myself thinking about different things as the day approaches with more concrete reality every morning when i wake up...

things like the logistics of the day of, what i still want to do before she gets here, more about the attendants, what my parents will do while they wait, and start-to-finish imaginings of the labor process itself.

because i am--for unexplainable reasons--quite self-conscious and filled with a certain amount of body dysmorphic sensibilities, i have been a little uncomfortable thinking about being naked and birthing in front of strangers. or even people i like. i worry that my body will be gross and unattractive during birth, and it kind of scares me for matt to have see that. and then i found this:

[about being naked and putting your butt in the midwife's face]

client: For me, it was a combination of believing part of it was pregnancy, not fat...and also the fact that I have a hard time *really* seeing how I look.

Hopefully midwives see enough naked (or partially so) bodies that they really don't pay attention anymore. Besides that, they don't all have figures like Pamela Anderson themselves.

---

midwife: OK, I really had to laugh at this. I weigh much more than most of my clients, even at term. I am definitely not the Pamela Anderson type. [Very Big Grin.]

I just wanted to chime in from a midwife's perspective.

Believe it or not, it barely even registers with me whether a woman is clothed or not; part of my brain might note that she's showing a "loss of inhibition", which is an emotional signpost of labor progress for some women.

Other than that, I just don't care, as long as the baby can find the way out of whatever she's wearing.

Sometimes the line between clothed and unclothed gets really blurred in labor. We often associate nakedness with vulnerability, but laboring women are so powerful that this gets all skewed. In fact, sometimes I get a little blurred on the clothed or unclothed thing myself and forget whether I'm naked or not. I still do a mental check when I walk out the door of my house to make sure I'm wearing clothes.

About pushing things out in midwives' faces, it might help to know that midwives generally get all excited about any and all excretory functions, because they are often a sign of progress. We're glad to see waters (in labor), we're glad to see pee at just about anytime, we're glad to see appropriate bleeding as a sign of progress, we're glad to see vomiting as a sign of transition, and we're always very excited to see the "positive poop sign". And we're very, very glad to see that baby coming out!

Truly, anyone who's attended a few births has seen it all; squeamish people don't attend more than a few, and the others are generally quite pleased to see whatever's coming out of your body.

So, let it all come down and out. [Grin]

gross it may be, but that made me feel better. she is right--laboring women are SO POWERFUL--it's beyond silly to imagine there is any worry about clothing or conforming to conventional images of beauty and crap like that. all the birth videos i have seen have made me forget that the woman is naked and imperfect, i just see birth and she's doing it. she's someplace else, someone else, completely out of herself with the process and the power. these fears i have are all ego-based and mean nothing in labor...

on a related yet dissimilar note, i do plan to discuss the vaginal exams with the midwives on tuesday during my appointment. i have read enough to learn that there is an argument against doing regular cervical checks, most especially if/when the mother is made uncomfortable by them (or has any history of abuse). in my case they make me freeze up, as if my spirit is retracting and clenching against the intrusion on my space. i do not feel safe when i am being invaded by a doctor, gentle and/or professional as she may be. so i hope we can limit the number of internals to the absolute minimum, because i will be a lot more comfortable that way.

(i just went brain dead and totally lost my train of thought here)

i think i found a holistic pediatrician though, so that's awesome. he's the only holistic doc i could find in gainesville and he is a board certified pediatrician to boot. i called him and he's interesting... he made a point of saying he "won't" go to hospital. i'm not sure exactly what that means, but i definitely plan to meet him and see what's up. i have no fear about being able to get an adequate conventional doc if i have to, but it would be really nice not to have to. it's kind of unfair the way "they" "make" you go to all these ridiculous infant appointments for checkups all the time... if baby is healthy why do you need to? so they can chart her weight gain and make sure it fits the overweight american curve? enforce vaccine schedules? milk you for cash? i don't know. here again maybe i am overconfident but i just don't really think i need anybody to tell me whether my baby is healthy; if she eats often, she's gaining (some amount of) weight, and she doesn't seem sick or weird, why do i have to take her to the doctor? blah.

i guess i just have enough trust in life and human physiology to say 'we've been doing this a long time' and hope/assume that nature will sort itself out. *shrug* but whatever, i will find a doctor i can deal with and i will most likely do as i am told by the unwritten rules, for the most part.

anyway i just found something better to post.

so i can't remember the last time i was able to see my nether-regions. at this point it's physically impossible... a few weeks ago i attempted to "mow the lawn" a bit--i will have a lot of people staring at it relatively soon, after all--but it was SO hard without being able to see what i was doing! there is just no way to view it from my angle, and i'll be danged if i'm going to bring a mirror into the bathtub just to shave... anyway it would be backwards and i'd probably mangle myself.

i don' t know, i think that's kind of amusing. i've never had a body part that i couldn't see (or reach) before. at this point my feet are basically off-limits too, unless i am sitting down and can bring them to my hands--bending to touch them just ain't gonna happen. my balance is wacked AND the baby is in the way!

it's funny. i'm not crippled or anything, but man, i'm certainly not my relatively nimble, athletic self anymore! sometimes i feel crippled. yesterday i was walking around campus and i passed a dude in a wheelchair and he smiled at me as if to say "hey, you're like me" and the funniest part was, i was thinking the exact same thing. it was awesome.

tonight we are going to a lecture by this guy on "collapse: how societies choose to fail or succeed" (sponsored by the place i work). should be interesting... matt's got his first book guns, germs, and steel and liked it well enough.

man. 35 weeks. how much longer?! i am in that "ok, i'm done" phase, i think.

[commence whining]

i can't sleep at night for more than 2 hours straight, then i wake up either to pee or because i'm uncomfortable or because something HURTS (belly, leg cramp, finger pain, etc). i've apparently developed pregnancy-induced arthritis in all three finger joints of each finger... not too swollen, but achy as hell, especially in the morning! my feet STILL hurt when i walk or stand for too long, and now it seems like she is running out of room in my belly--she's taken to kicking almost constantly, and there is actual pressure a lot of the time, especially towards the top of my belly. it's not comfortable. oh and when i do wake up at 3am with pain from having to pee so badly, it's nearly impossible to get out of bed. i'm so heavy and so awkward, and just imagine: you wake up, huge belly preventing you from bending effectively, your fingers are so cramped that you can barely open them to lever yourself upright (stomach muscles don't cut it anymore, you need the leverage), your legs are hairs away from intense charlie-horse cramps--the wrong move will set them off--and when you finally hoist yourself up and off the side of the bed, you land on feet that would scream if they had vocal chords because they are so sore and can't take the sudden weight. then you waddle (yes, waddle) on protesting feet towards the bathroom, still feeling the almost-cramps in your legs with each shift in weight, and just hoping the pressure in your stomach and pelvis doesn't burst the baby right out, dilated cervix or not.

this me every night. often multiple times per night. did i say pregnancy was easy?! HA!

[end whining]

ok really it has been, it's just this last little bit that is pushing me to my limits of physical endurance. it could have been so very much worse..!

list of things i am lucky and grateful for NOT having to deal with in this pregnancy:
- excessive or genuine morning sickness complete with vomiting
- stretch marks
- heartburn
- back pain
- cravings for wacky foods
- sweating/temperature issues
- constipation
- hemorrhoids
- "girly infections"
- psychotic mood swings
- severe weight gain

compared to all those totally normal complaints that most people have, my situation doesn't seem all that bad.

i'm quite sure i'm having contractions though... it's a very interesting feeling, and it's definitely low and where it's supposed to be... like a sharp, tight feeling suddenly comes and i almost feel like the baby is moving and putting pressure somewhere or other (but really i think it's that my uterus is tightening around her). i think i might have them a lot at night, because i wake up in confusing pain that i can't make sense of most nights, and then i fall back asleep before i can sort it out. she's moving around non-stop today--i've had a lot of belly discomfort and i can't tell if it's because she keeps moving or if she's moving because my belly is doing something funny.

i had a really annoying dream last night also. i dreamed that i had her, but (again) i realized afterwards that i had NO memory of labor, and i started to get really upset... i was pissed and confused and wondering why i couldn't remember it; i wasn't sure if i had been given meds against my wishes, if we had a c-section, or what happened, i just knew i was unconscious for the birth and i was impossibly upset about it, because it was specifically contrary to what i wanted. and then i realized that i had given birth more than 24 hours ago and they still had her, i hadn't even gotten to hold her yet, and i was completely crushed and infuriated. i couldn't accept that we missed the critical hour after birth because i was unconscious, and i didn't understand why, either. so i was trying to get back to the hospital to get her, and probably to kick some ass as well (she was fine, just still at the hospital for some reason). this was all really annoying because it was a nightmare, and i woke up disturbed and upset... but the fact is even if i DO end up with a c-section i know i won't be unconscious because i will choose the localized anesthesia... i want to be conscious. so what the heck is my subconscious really worrying about? and where the heck was matt??

anyway... so the room is 100% finished! my mom bought us a crib and a changing pad thing, the floors are in, the walls are done, and it all looks fabulous. now all we need is the rest of the house to get done and then she can show up whenever she wants :) good news though! i sold my car AND matt sold his "spare" motorcycle yesterday, so we now officially have enough money to put in the floors we want for the majority of the house. nothing is holding us up from finishing everything, other than time... walls, floors, and we are done! we might actually have a livable, comfortable house before we have a baby. who would've thought...

remember this? how many incidents does it take within a given time period before people will come to their senses about trusting corporate anything??? explosives chemical found in formula from companies that own 87% of market share.

argh. i share this not to judge--really, i feel for you if you can't/won't breastfeed, i've seen enough to know it can be extremely difficult for some people--but PLEASE do not use the standard store-bought formulas. you are not being told the truth; not by the labels, not by the FDA, and not by your doctor. there is a real PC culture of "let's not offend anybody" that tries very hard to say formula is just as good as breastmilk but the research all shows it's not. (yes, i quote from wiki, because it sums up well--you can and should do additional research if you really want to seek the truth.) your breastmilk was made for your baby, and nobody else. we have a magical chemistry that creates the ideal food for the baby grown in our own body. formula companies can't even approximate "generic" breastmilk; what makes you think they can copy YOURS?

so, if you can't pump your own and bottle-feed it, you should know there are alternatives. just because enfamil sends you free samples and similac was recommended by your doctor does not mean they are your best options if you aren't able to breastfeed. always remember, for doctors and hospitals and pharm companies, babies=goldmine. it's a sick reality that we all need to keep in mind. without births to support their income, hospitals would be a lot less lucrative a business; something like 60% of the average hospital revenue is directly related to labor and delivery.

anyway. i can't just stand by and watch the future of humanity be genetically degraded (i.e. poisoned formula) due to ignorance and misinformation... i say all of this, everything in this blog, out of love and compassion and a desire for betterment in all of us. inform yourself!

so last night for about an hour i babysat my friend's one-month-old. it was the first real encounter i've had with a newborn one on one... and it was interesting.

he's a really cute little thing, and just learned to smile, so we got a lot of giggles and babbling noises and he seemed to really like looking at matt. after a few minutes he started to get fussy so i picked him up, and the rest of the time we had him he went back and forth from fussing, to quiet/focused, to crYing... it's very hard to know what they need, i think. to me it seemed like his tummy was hurting him, but he might have just wanted his mama to come back for all i know. then just before she came back he started to suck on his knuckles so i decided maybe he was hungry.

i was really, really impressed with myself for being totally unphased by the crying, even when it was intense. it just didn't bother me. i felt bad for him and wanted to make him feel better, but because i didn't know exactly what the problem was i just kinda bounced him around and paced the house. sometimes it helped. i guess i just figured crying would really bother me?? apparently pregnancy hormones help with that, which makes sense. i am also reassured by my lack of awkwardness with him... usually i'm funny/shy/weird about babies, but that seems to be gone too. i was totally comfortable hanging out with him.

the worst part was my cat's reaction. i've been worrying about how she would take the intrusion of a noisy little attention-stealing creature into her world, after having me all to herself for the last 8 years... i got my answer last night: not well. both cats were very interested but undisturbed by his presence, until he started to really cry. as soon as the volume piped up, usha started crying too, loudly, and kept hovering around my feet; at one point we were on the rocking chair and she actually reached up towards him, though i'm not sure why. (i was keeping them both at a distance on the off chance the baby is allergic to cats.)

when i started pacing with him while he was crying, both cats were at my ankles, and after a few minutes of usha yelling--in what must have been an attempt to shut him up--she bit me! nothing serious, just a little frustrated nip, but i was so shocked... she was being aggressive to MY FEET because the baby was crying and she couldn't get at him. great. i am sure if he had been in range she would've smacked him a few times. *sigh* i locked her in the bedroom after that, but she kept yelling.

i really do not want to deal with an angry cat and a crying baby at the same time. usha is my original "baby" and i have NO intention of getting rid of her, but i'm not sure how to help her cope. neki, the big fluffball, was fine of course. totally easygoing and unperturbed by all the noise, just curious about the noisemaker. but then, she's barely bothered by the vacuum most of the time! i'm sincerely concerned about what will happen if usha is a brat about the baby (and moreso about how matt will react).

but anyway, back to the point: besides the unexplainable crying, which was really not a big deal, that was easy. if i'd had a sling it would've been even easier--the trickiest part was holding him securely and supporting his head all the time, especially while he wanted to move it all around and pick it up! so yeah, this should be fine. and when it's my kid i doubt i will be quite as obsessively careful as i was with him, so it might be even easier.

then again, i got to give him back after an hour, so that wasn't exactly a taste of what's to come...

of all the things i could be worrying about regarding birth, babies, and child-rearing, the one thing that concerns me the most is how to deal with bedtime. frankly, i'm scared. i'm scared of having an uber-dependent child (possible) and i'm scared of finding that i want her to be uber-dependent (unlikely). but after reading quite a bit from other moms i just don't know what to think.

the two polar-opposite opinions go like this, and they both appall me, honestly:

cry-it-out
just like it sounds. it's bedtime, you put them down, and they deal. maybe it takes weeks of a screaming, tantruming, distressed little kid, but eventually they learn to "self-soothe" and all is (presumably) well. except they may have lasting anxiety problems or a preponderance to PTSD down the line?? i know my parents and their parents used this method, to some extent, on me and my cousins. seemed to work ok, but watch out--you will be criticized for being a cruel, heartless mother if you join any parenting forums and actually admit to using CIO. attachment parenting is the "in" thing these days. it does seem pretty effed-up to let a baby cry--its only means of communication--and not respond, however. i'm not sure i could or would want to do that.

parent-to-sleep or co-sleeping
co-sleeping is again, self-explanatory. you share the bed with junior until... until when? that depends. i know some people who have 6-year olds in their bed. i have no desire for that. i like having alone time with my husband, and considering that baby will soon be the center of both our worlds, i think it's important to preserve a "sacred space" for just us. the philosophy of attachment parenting is basically "through allowing my child to be dependent when she needs to, I give her the confidence to be independent when she’s ready." it's a great philosophy at heart, and there are many outgrowths of it that i do agree very much with, but the problem i see with it seems to be recurrent: parents (moms especially) use it as an excuse to over-coddle and indulge THEIR OWN little desires with regards to their children. i just read a ton of responses to a post on babycenter.com in which most of the women arguing for 'parenting-to-sleep' (which is basically attending the child on their terms until they fall asleep in your arms or you sleep in the bed with them) cite their own need to feel closeness as the main, if not the only, reason for avoiding more independent sleep routines. moms who don't want to give up nursing or bemoan 'how fast they grow' as a good reason to extend the babying days as long as possible... something about that makes my skin crawl a little bit. i can't help it--i don't mean to be so.. whatever it is i am being. but the day i continue to nurse my child because *I* want to, and not because she really needs it, is the day i stop altogether.

the thought that i may become the kind of person who grasps at something as fleeting as infancy and 'cuddling time'--and would go so far as to deliberately sabotage my own efforts to remedy the situation by failing to enforce change--terrifies me. is that what motherhood does to us? it explains a lot, if so.

anyway my question here is, "how the hell do you find a happy middle ground between being too present, and creating dependence, and being too unavailable, and inducing stress?"

the last thing i want is to find myself required to be a bedside attendant for several hours a night while a little one falls asleep. i get frustrated enough being a bedside attendant for matt for 20 minutes in the morning while he wakes up... i need to know i can preserve my own independence AT LEAST when it comes to bedtime. i already know i will lose it in regards to most other things, so i guess this is just the one subject i don't want to budge about.

but i can't imagine allowing her to cry herself to sleep... "The fact remains that “crying it out” simply does not work the way proponents of the Ferber method believe. An infant has not the faculties to cry hysterically, get it out of his system, and then lull into slumber. No, he has merely submitted into exhaustion once it becomes clear that his caretakers are not coming to help him." yes, i do not think despair is good for infants.

so what do i do? i borrowed the no-cry sleep solution from the birth center, so i'm hoping it will answer all my questions. either that, or that rowan is naturally a sleepy, content little girl! if we can only be so lucky.

i don't know why, but this really stresses me out! i want her to be naturally independent and that's just not something i can control... or can i? but then what if she is, and it upsets me? AGH! i think that would be worse. *sigh*

contrary to my apparent mood based on the last fiesty post, i am e x h a u s t e d . . . i feel like my head is wrapped in wool inside and out. i'm tired and insensible.

i feel fine otherwise, but i seriously need a nap. i even had coffee and it hasn't seemed to help. blah.

i may regret saying this, but here it is anyway: with 3-7 weeks left before it's over, i can officially declare that this pregnancy has been easy. easy with a capital E. my complaints were so minor... and even now, with as much extra weight as i am carrying, i barely feel it.

yes it's hard to sleep this week, yes i have to get up slowly or my leg muscles yell, but seriously--i feel almost normal. and i'm not really all that large, in my opinion. i know every pregnancy is different so i don't assume it will be this easy next time around, but i have to say for me pregnancy has pretty much been a walk in the park.

coming up to the 'due date' i am calm, prepared, and unstressed. a friend commented this morning how amazed she is that i'm not freaking out or miserable as everyone else seems to be at the end of the journey. i just don't feel bad, i don't know what to say. i'd love a nap, but other than that... *shrug*

probably having a "sturdy" bone structure and relatively strong muscles in general helps. i'm not particularly dainty, if you know what i mean. my body can handle the extra weight i guess. i just hope my hips don't fail me--easy pregnancy doesn't necessarily mean easy labor.

*yawn again*

this may inflame someone, so here is another disclaimer, written in some slight annoyance at having to write it at all. yes, there are always cases where people are better off for having psych meds. i know this. i'm not talking about those cases. i'm talking about everybody else...

*sigh* let's start from the top:

via cryptogon:

Is there something more at work here besides chasing profits? The diabolical nature of this seems to go beyond the usual chasing profits explanation.

This has an inky black, low murmuring evil feel to it. Echoes of Dr. Mengele.

Also, pay attention to the “food” that these people are ingesting, and the physical appearance of the mothers. Holy crap. Have another breakfast stick, now with even more obesity and diabetes. Toxic waste for food and strong antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers. This is the breakfast of champions for millions of American children, some as young as two.

Via: PBS Frontline:

In recent years, there’s been a dramatic increase in the number of children being diagnosed with serious psychiatric disorders and prescribed medications that are just beginning to be tested in children. The drugs can cause serious side effects, and virtually nothing is known about their long-term impact. “It’s really to some extent an experiment, trying medications in these children of this age,” child psychiatrist Dr. Patrick Bacon tells FRONTLINE. “It’s a gamble. And I tell parents there’s no way to know what’s going to work.”

as of january 2008 PBS had enough material--and there was enough controversy--to make a documentary questioning the wisdom of using UNTESTED psych meds on children diagnosed with very vague and broad-spectrum symptoms of various psychiatric disorders. the video is disturbing... poor kids are damaged permanently from the side effects of these drugs before they even have a fighting chance to develop normally and outgrow their "issues."

for me, the first thing i would ask myself if my child seemed really wacked would be, "what am i doing that could be causing this behavior? is she fed healthy foods? is she getting enough sleep? enough social interaction? enough love and affection?" and finally, "am i stressed out?"

children are NOT adults. they react very differently to stresses than adults do--they haven't learned to "cope" by stuffing their feelings inside. they express. everything. and sometimes maybe their bodies induce emotional reactions when physical needs are not being properly met (i.e., you feed them nothing but processed pHoods and after a year or so they start having temper tantrums every day).

fundamental problem #1: we are treating them for things they may not have because we do not bother to look into alternative explanations. we fail to adequately research the cause and effect cycle of ALL things we take for granted in modern life.

and now this, via msnbc (just the best parts here):

Panel: All teens should be tested for depression
2 million in U.S. are affected but most are undiagnosed, task force says
...
The task force said that when followed by treatment, including psychotherapy, screening can help improve symptoms and help kids cope. Because depression can lead to persistent sadness, social isolation, school problems and even suicide, screening to treat it early is crucial, the panel said.
...

Yet at the same time psychiatrists specializing in treating children and teens are scarce. A separate report, also released Monday in the Pediatrics journal, says primary care doctors including pediatricians and family physicians will need to get more involved in mental health care.

...

Most pediatricians aren't trained to do psychotherapy, but they can prescribe depression medication and monitor patients they've referred to others for therapy, he said.

holy f*&^. did we completely FORGET that teenagerdom is characterized by some amounts of depression/anxiety/stress which naturally accompany the vast physical, mental, and emotional changes going on during that period of our normal human development? what just happened here? but nevermind that, let's move on.

fundamental problem #2: if you need a questionnaire at the pediatricians office to tell you your kid is sad, isolated, failing school, and doing drugs, YOU FAIL as a parent. period. where is the responsibility of the parents to observe and interact with their children, that something like this even needs to be suggested?!

fundamental problem #3: we need to screen EVERYONE because 6% of a sub-population may be affected. that is what you call a massive waste of resources. but, in fact, since the goal here is nothing grander than to boost profits for drug companies selling psych meds (see #4), it will perfectly do its job--so many "undiagnosed" cases will come to light, and all good parents give their kids meds when dr. concerned says they should. on a related note, maybe if we had an insanely high teenage suicide rate--i.e., if the entire 6% of the undiagnosed kids were offing themselves for lack of treatment--MAYBE this testing would be justified. but since apparently the majority of these kids move on to be typical adults, what is the issue?

fundamental problem #4: re-read the last two paragraphs in the quote above. now think for a second. there aren't enough psychiatrists trained to deal with kids, so pediatricians will have to fill in the gaps AND/BUT all they can do is prescribe medication, not provide counseling. ah ha! now i get it. (nevermind the big problem with docs prescribing meds for conditions they *admittedly* are not trained to deal with.) it's all about the profits. you heard it straight from MSNBC!

i won't call this one "fundamental," but i also have to wonder where they got the number of "undiagnosed" depression cases from? if they are undiagnosed, how the hell do they know how many there are? wtf?

i don't know... to me, the very idea of chemically altering a child's brain--which is in a constant state of flux and adaptation to the world, developing structures and learning connections and whatnot--is Evil. truly Evil. it can do nothing but harm, and i don't care what anyone says to the contrary. yes, i would rather put up with screaming fits for 2 years than know that i am irreversibly damaging my child's development--and entire life, as a result--so that i can have a little peace and quiet.

why is it that we didn't see this kind of behavior in kids 15, 20, 30 years ago? my list of hypotheses goes like this:
- routine, excessive vaccinations of vulnerable infants
- pHood (i.e., products so detached from the original substance that used to be food, that they are chemically unrecognizable; i.e., basically everything from a box, can, or plastic package)
- high-fructose corn syrup
- fluoridated/chlorinated water supplies
- overuse of any/all medications
- environmental pollutants (mostly the indoor kind, from cleaning products, cosmetics, etc, but perhaps also the more widespread type as well)
- and equally important, bad parenting. yes, i blame the parents in many cases. kids need to be shown BY EXAMPLE how to live effectively in the world. when you model disaffectation, stress, egoism, and apathy, that is what they learn. i think our entire society has suffered as a result of the 2-working parent system which shoves our younglings off to what amounts to foster care for the bulk of their developing years. it's worse than anybody wants to admit, in my opinion... and i know many families have 'no choice' and i can sympathize with that to an extent. because really, there is always a choice. you can always make sacrifices. the question is, is it worth it to you?

in my world, we wouldn't need Supernanny because we would have communication and interaction on a level that makes sense for the child. we'd have time for them. sometimes i wonder if our parents didn't fail us... it was by their example that we learned to be parents, and so many of us are really terrible at it. was it just the 70s/80s/90s mentality that materialism is the ultimate goal that ruined everything? because that was so important to our parents, and we (i say "we" loosely here*) were left in daycare and fed convenience foods since they knew no better... and it left us without a model for good parenting? because most of us can say for sure that our parents were raised very differently than we were. i think the break came as they took their roles and parents and forgot what their own parents had taught them... they were too distracted by material acquisition and "doing better for [our] sakes." only it ended up producing a generation of ineffective, depressed, and gullible people who want somebody else to fix their problems. just a thought.

back to the point; my dear friend at cryptogon would say this program of screening and medicating children on a massive scale has more to do with long-term population control (through submission) and social engineering than anything else--as he mentions, and i mentioned, profits are a big factor, but there really does seem to be something else going on. Evil. why do we push so hard to ruin the future (our childrens' brains)? or better yet, why do we let THEM tell us we should?! why do they want to?

who benefits from this? certainly not the children...


*for the record, my parents were awesome. i never went to forced daycare, my mom was lucky enough to work at home and be there for us 24/7, they fed us real food and taught us how to be respectful people with integrity and self-confidence. and practical frugality. sadly, however, i think they are not the norm. i truly hope to be as good with my kids as they were with us.