september mama

unless it's your own! gaaaah!

the other day at work, after spending 10 minutes pumping the 'liquid gold' my body worked so hard to make, i freakin spilled an entire ounce of it all over the counter where i was washing out my pump paraphernalia. i seriously almost cried, but then i realized the hilarity of enacting such a stupid platitude and i didn't feel like crying anymore.

speaking of breastfeeding... i'm going to ramble for a few minutes on the subject. i strongly recommend that any new moms who may be facing a return to work (at any point) start pumping in a leisurely manner as soon as they have milk. i started using my manual pump casually during feeds (baby on one, pump on the other) about a week after giving birth, and right now i have almost 4 GALLONS of milk stashed away in the freezer. we have a deep freezer, luckily, so i have the space for it. but... any anxiety i might otherwise have about how much rowan drinks vs. how much i pump when i'm not at home is completely irrelevant because there is no way we will be running out of milk without several weeks' notice! it makes life a lot easier... in fact, the only thing i really worry about is whether it will ever be used at all.

i think i already addressed my pump (medela pump-in-style) as a super-handy gadget worth every penny, so i'll leave it at that except to say it's fast which is awesome at work. i hope i mentioned our stint with fenugreek previously as well; if not, i will later.

speaking of work... it's actually fine. i'm not freaking out, i'm not stressed, and it's *almost* nice to be out of the house two days a week. except that i miss her. but i haven't cried about it, and neither has she, really--the first day there were some "where's mama?" tears but after that she has been perfectly happy with my mom. which of course i have mixed feelings about (doesn't she need me?!) but really i'm just glad she isn't stressed and she isn't giving my mom a hard time. they have fun together and i get constant updates via skype, which ROCKS. and work even let me do a 1/2 day from home every week, which is even more rocksome. nothing like answering emails from the Dean of Agricultural and Life Sciences with a baby on my boob; ha.

rowan is 10.5 weeks right now, which is insane... she is so cute though. she's gurgling, cooing, squealing, and laughing and it's all just too much for my brain to process. i feel like my head is going to explode from the cuteness sometimes. she still hasn't quite got the hang of sucking her thumb, but it's close. and she has total head control now, and has rolled over once or twice too. ah, the baby milestones. dairy still upsets her tummy though, alas. i just want some ice cream! but she's teaching herself to only wake up once per night around 430, so that's some consolation i guess. she's such a good baby...

oh and this is weird: she's had a little piece of glitter stuck to her head since about week 2, and no matter that i scrub her head every night in the bath, the glitter remains. i don't want to intentionally scratch it off now (though i do wash her without regard for it) because it has taken on some kind of metaphysical significance--no amount of scrubbing has removed it, nor have clothes-changes, rubbing, kisses, or any of the other million ways we touch her head. so now it's kind of become a game to see how long the glitter stays. did i mention we have NO idea how it got there in the first place? nothing she owns has glitter on it. it's utterly mysterious.

about me... doc decided i have "atrophic vaginitis" which sounds really awful but just means my nether regions are suffering from a lack of estrogen (normal while breastfeeding); thus healing is slowed and the tissues are weak and thin, since apparently that area depends entirely on estrogen for health. so he prescribed me an estrogen cream to use... and i haven't yet. the first one was premarin which i didn't bother to fill the rx for, since i already knew it was made from horse hormones and had no intention of putting that anywhere near my body, evil as its production is. so i called and had it replaced with a synthetic version, and now i'm seriously waffling about using it anyway. estrogen is proven to reduce milk supply AND it passes into the milk, so rowan will be dosed too... estrogen affects bone growth, among other things. so i can't bring myself to use it so far and i'm not sure what to do.

thoughts on the subject:
- if my body isn't making estrogen right now, obviously it doesn't want or need it, right?
- i'm terrified of any decrease in milk supply, and yes, there is some systemic uptake even with a topical cream (skin is really good at absorbing chemicals)
- obviously i don't want her to have any excess hormones that i'm not naturally giving her via my milk (and since i can't have dairy--and use organic anyway--as of now they are only from MY body)
- it would be really nice to have my hoo-ha back to normal in terms of integrity thanks to a little dab of cream

so here i sit, continuing not to use it as i vacillate on whether it's worth the risks. blah.

on a somewhat related note, i'm now officially paranoid that i could possibly have gotten pregnant recently, since i have no idea when my period will be coming or when i should consider it "late" since i have yet to have had one in almost a year... and there was some diving without a wetsuit the other day *ahem*. more than once. so stupid, considering one of my best friends has irish twins for that very reason. but whatever, i warned him! now i just have to hope the window of opportunity is still firmly shut and locked... i'd like to enjoy rowan on her own for a while before we have another baby to steal the spotlight!

IT WORKS! seriously. awesome.

just wanted to say that.

wow, i can't believe she's been here two months already--and i can't believe it's only been two months! seems like she's been in our lives forever...

things are really great despite having had no income for the last two weeks (or the next two for that matter...); rowan is such a good baby and we have really settled into an understanding, if not a full-on schedule. last night was her first night sleeping alone in her bedroom and she did great. i'm working on helping her learn to fall asleep on her own; up until now she has always nursed all the way into sleep, and it caused trouble when i'd put her down because she would wake up instantly and start crying to nurse again. so we're using the techniques from the no-cry sleep solution and even after just two nights i can tell she's learning/accepting that sleep can come without the help of my boobs. lol. it was weird to go to bed without her just a few feet away though--i kind of missed her. *sigh* evolution did a really good job ensuring moms would attach to their babies...

our typical day right now goes like this:

wake up around 730, may or may not get out of bed (if not, she's in bed with me nursing while i rest). when we finally do get up, diaper change and then she gets playtime in the swing or bouncer while i make coffee and eat breakfast. then we hang out...we dance, go for a walk, play cooing games, etc for as long as she will tolerate it.

nurse again, then usually she naps for an hour or so (11am-1pm on a good day) while i do the day's chores

she wakes up, nurses, then playtime again until around 3pm or so when she usually nurses and then naps again until 5pm. repeat, but replace playtime with daddy-time while i make dinner.

bedtime routine starts between 7-730pm: she gets a bath, then swaddled, then we nurse and sing in the rocking chair for 20-30 minutes or until she falls asleep, at which time i put her in the crib and start the "no-cry" techniques (assuming she is awake, which she usually is). she falls asleep by 830pm 99% of the time.

wake up around 2am for a nighttime feeding, and again around 5am. by this point i usually bring her to bed with me and let her nurse at will until i feel like getting out of bed...

all in all, it's nice. she's very regular unless something interrupts her, though even through a day at the mall all today she slept on her usual schedule. two perfect naps and in bed at 730. she's awesome.

i wanted to update my feelings on cloth diapers too--i still love them, but dappi covers aren't our main staple anymore (they were just too big and the velcro kept scratching her as a result). i had a single gdiaper that was my favorite, so i was looking on ebay for a used lot of them when i stumbled on a $30 off coupon someone had posted! i went to the gdiapers site and managed to get a $70 box of 6--which is about 4 more than we need--for only $40! freakin' fantastic, and i have to say these diapers are awesome. i don't use the flushable bits because we are on septic, so i use a prefold stuffed in there instead and it works like a charm. i highly recommend these diapers as they create hardly any laundry, the covers almost never get soiled, and the plastic liners are really quick to wash out when they get messy. plus they fit well! the only downside is they are definitely pricey; but it's a worthy investment. i will be buying more when she outgrows the ones we have.

also: breastpumps. i bought a medela pump-in-style on ebay ($70 all told; they normally cost $300!) and i LOVE it. it's quick and very effective, plus it's adjustable in terms of suction power and speed. i can drain myself in about 7 minutes with that thing which will come in very handy at work. and i think it has helped me increase milk production.

speaking of which, i have been drinking the traditional medicinals mother's milk tea since the beginning, and i do think it has helped a bit (i chug about a quart or so a day b/c i make a big batch and pop it in the fridge), but i wanted a more powerful increase since i know i will be having to pump a lot soon... so i started taking some fenugreek tincture. it worked, and i smelled like maple syrup, but watch out! it gave me and rowan both terrible gas, and she was miserable for a few days as a result. so i had to quit it, unfortunately, but it definitely upped my production. i'm trying to maintain the increase by pumping as much as i can.

and finally, work. *sigh* i am going back part time starting next week, i just have to figure out when and how many hours. my mom will most likely be taking care of rowan while i am away, since matt is back at the hipp next week full-time *growl* so at least she will have a loving caretaker... but i still don't really like it. i just don't have a choice. so today my sister and i went to the mall and i spent a $50 gift card i had on some shirts, a fabulous lip color that i plan to wear every single day, and a new pair of shoes (same as an old pair i wore out). it was nice--i haven't bought clothing since november, and i was pregnant then. made me feel a little more positive about going back to work.

i'm also actively beginning some "anti-aging" skin treatments since i realize now how easy it is to completely neglect myself in favor of the baby, and how easy it is to become a frumpy soccer-mom type... i'm on guard now. i'm back to a largely raw diet, i'm going to the gym regularly (30 pounds takes a long time to come off), and it's time to get serious about my skin, since it's obvious i'm not 21 anymore. i broke down and bought a commercial product but now i think my own concoction will actually be better in the end... we'll see.

so that's about it... not much, but at the same time a lot. rowan is growing so fast it's scary.

things i haven't posted about but need to:

- my sister is pregnant

- my grandmother--matriarch of the family, the core of it all--died on june 6th

- matt was laid off of work

i need to write about my grandmother and her death but i don't know when i will be able to. i guess this post is just to remind myself to do it. i have a lot to say about her.

i'm so happy my sister is pregnant! cousins are as good as siblings when they're that close (in age and geographically). plus she scored on the hand-me-downs with this timing.

as for matt, yeah--fck the hippodrome. we knew it was coming, but as ever, they literally told him "ok go home you're laid off now until further notice." the bastards. so we're on the hunt to get him the hell out of there for good, and in the meantime he's getting unemployment (a whole $200 a week) which i feel really weird about. but oh well. we have yet to discuss what we're going to do about my job... i really do not think he's up for being full-time dad. i think he's terrified, actually. i know i am not ready to leave her.

i'm combining these two subjects because they are interrelated and i'm way behind in terms of keeping a current record of things for my own future reference...

the postpartum experience

otherwise known as "the downside to childbirth:"

- my nether region felt bruised beyond comprehension for about two weeks; it was really a chore to walk (waddle, really) for quite a while. no pain from the stitches, thankfully, but the bruised feeling was bad enough.

- uncontrollable crying for nearly two weeks. i wasn't depressed (at all) but i found myself bawling at random intervals in all-consuming bursts of raw emotion. it was worse when i was tired; twice when i tried to nap i ended up hysterical over nonsense for hours at a time, such that my mother-in-law tried to convince matt i needed therapy. it was just the hormones working out of my system...

- impossibly terrible, excruciating, laborious bowel movements. i hate to talk about this, but seriously, it should not take an hour and constant lamaze-style breathing to complete a normal bodily function (despite having missed out on it myself, i now know what it must feel like to birth a baby unassisted, crowning and all. seriously). combine the physical difficulty with an intense fear of ripping stitches--and feeling like they will--and you get a very unhappy mama. this continued for a week and later reoccured as well.

- tiredness. happily, i have not experienced the infamous "sleep deprivation" problems that so many parents complain of--my baby is a good sleeper and i don't mind waking up a few times a night. but after 5 days of no sleep pre- and post-labor, exhaustion doesn't begin to explain it. and i couldn't nap because i just kept crying every time i tried.

- bleeding for 2.5 weeks. not that bad really but a tad bit annoying. combine it with a freakish amount of gross tissue (retained placental fragments) coming out around 2 weeks and it gets a little worse.

- urinary incontinence. oh yes. i was horrified and so worried it would continue, but thankfully i have recovered most of the muscle tone down there and don't leak pee anymore. i still have to be careful if i'm messing with running water on a full bladder, but i'm confident that will go away shortly.

- "baby fat." 30 pounds of it.

- surprise pain in the stitches at week 5; apparently something tore or a stitch fell out and now it burns like hell to pee and nevermind the other...

- fear that i will never be totally recovered or back to myself; specifically, an intense fear of sex. i'm afraid it will hurt, i'm afraid it will be disappointing for matt, i'm afraid that it "won't work" in some way or another,* and i'm afraid that being afraid will ruin it. i dread the thought of having sex again, as much as i want to... i guess i'm basically just afraid that it won't be the same. i'm sure it won't, actually... i'm scared to know just how different it will be.

those are the main things that suck after having a baby, at least for me. it's also very frustrating not to be able to do normal things for yourself, like shower every day, clean the house consistently, make food when you get hungry, and leave the house at-will, but those are secondary to the actual issues in my opinion.

planet motherhood

in the business of being born, one of the women says of birth: "it's like somebody flips a light switch and you go to the moon." that is a perfect description of 'what it's like to be a mother'... you're still you, but it's like you shifted into a parallel reality, you're operating on a totally different frequency from before. i am no longer the main character in my own life, and i can't even remember what it was like ever to have been. now is all there ever was, and baby is the center of the universe. i'm relieved that it's possible to feel that way and still not give a crap about pink lace dresses and cutesy bullshit; it's not like i instantly became a soccer mom or queen of the playgroup, i just had my brain switched out for a different model somewhere during labor, and this new one sees everything from the perspective of a mother.

mothers know fear. one of the episodes of hysteria i mentioned before was due to my realization of all this... i was laying down to nap and suddenly i was struck with the thought of something--who knows what--happening to rowan, and my world may as well have collapsed around me. i lost it completely, and learned in that moment what it means to fear. i had never been afraid until that moment, and now i carry that understanding with me all the time... it is the scariest thing imaginable to think that something might happen to your baby. ever. i forgive my mother all the times she annoyingly grabbed my arm while crossing the street, or whatever.

my capacity to love has increased exponentially. nevermind the all-consuming, throbbing-through-my-veins love that i have for my baby (and her daddy by extension, in addition to his own merit), i find myself overcome with love for the innocent in general now, to a degree i never knew before. my heart breaks at the thought of any baby sad, scared, in pain, or just without love. they are SO vulnerable and so needy and deserve only love and comfort. i read a story recently in the local news about a newborn left in a box on the side of the road (she was ok in the end) and i cried for an hour in sorrow over it. we watched the curious case of benjamin button and i almost lost it in empathy for the poor little old man baby at the beginning. it is now outside of my ability to imagine how anyone could hurt or abandon a baby. i could love any baby.

i am more patient than i ever thought possible. scream as she may, i can love her and wait it out.

i now understand what it means to be someone's child. all my life i have been slightly irritated by and cold towards my mother's undying affection (and deep need to share it)... it's my own little issue: having trouble expressing familial love despite feeling it. but things look very different to me now, having a daughter of my own who i want nothing more than to hold and cuddle and love. i feel terrible now for all the times i was unresponsive to her love, knowing what it must feel like to have my baby brush off my affection. i understand how much it means to a parent to get a smile or a hug or a kiss from their baby, and i am sorry i was so stingy with mine. in a similar way, i realize now what my mom means to me; i understand what it means that she is my mother just as i am her child. i need her now as much as i did when she rocked me to sleep every night.

there are so many little things to love about being a mother... when she sleeps for more than a few hours, i miss her and have to fight myself not to wake her up, when she nurses she uses her expressive little hands to "knead" my breast like a kitten, just before and after a smile she sticks out her tongue and when she smiles she cocks her head and scrunches up her nose adorably, when i change her diaper she wiggles and grunts and makes funny faces at me, in the bath she always looks surprised and delighted by the warm water and fights me when i massage her until she realizes it feels good, her silly "poop faces" that my sister made a song about... so many things. you really can't imagine how much you will love them until they show up.

and despite the tiredness, the frustration, the lack of control over your own life, as soon as they smile at you again you forgive all of it and would gladly do it again.


there is nothing better in the world to me than that crazy little grin.




*too much information warning!: the first time i attempted to orgasm post-partum there was an intense painful ache in my vagina afterwards, and it has come back every time since. i can't find any info on what or why so far... but it sucks. at least i can still have them, i guess.

i finally got one of her impossibly adorable smiles on camera... *melt*