september mama

so i am finally done with work and have been home since friday... and i haven't rested at all so far! matt has been awesome getting all the shit around the house done--we have new floors, new walls, and he's working on finishing the bar--and i can honestly say for the first time since we moved in 4 years ago our house actually feels like a home (and not a garage). it's freaking fantastic.

the only problem is that i have apparently gone psychotic and expect every surface to be spotless and sterile 24/7. i wake up (at 730) and start cleaning, and once it's perfectly clean, i clean more. then matt comes home and everything he puts down, touches, uses, or leaves out makes me want to scream... i have to stop myself from following him around like a little cleaning goblin. i guess this is what they call "nesting" because it is completely out of my control. i am single-minded.

a few nights ago i cleaned our back room--an enclosed porch--which is basically power tool storage and our screenprinting studio (plus the dogs sleep in their cages back there) so the room is constantly piling up with dust, dirt, and dog hair and normally i just worry about keeping the printing surface clean, though every now and then i would sweep or something. the other night i found myself scouring the place. literally. it looks awesome now, but why did i do that? i have no idea. it's not like rowan will EVER be allowed back there, what with the nails, saws, chemicals, and such... but, there it is. i even cleaned matt's big old filthy truck today just because he asked if i wanted to. it's a little frightening.

i also painted our lovely new walls. we chose a stormy sort of steel blue and i must say it looks quite nice. in fact, here is a pic:
it's a bit bare, but see the new floors? yay! they are so easy to keep clean. we will be putting floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on the righthand wall as soon as matt has time to build them. we have literally a whole room stacked full of books that desperately need a home, and that wall is basically wasted space otherwise.

oh and i planted a little flower garden in the front walkway using plants that were given to us by this great lady matt has been working for--she has incredible english-style gardens throughout her yard and she gave us free reign to steal whatever we wanted... so we did. and i planted them all a few days ago. most of them are doing ok but a few of the transplants seem like they may not make it, unfortunately. matt has a grand plan to landscape the whole front yard into meandering flower beds with mulch walkways in between. i said as long as it's all free i'm totally into it. so we've made a start, and it looks pretty good.

anyway. so i am a week from the due date if we're going by mr. doctor's assessment! a few extra days if not. tonight was my official "intuitive" prediction, but i don't really see that happening at this point; she's being her usual bouncy self right on time as we speak. oh, so i recently learned what a "braxton hicks contraction" really is--i have been having them for MONTHS and never knew it because the descriptions (in books, online, from others) are so wretched! every so often my belly will do this thing where it gets really tight to the touch, like she's pushed herself really hard in one direction and has run out of room, and i always thought it was just her... but no, that's a BH. so to the other pregnant ladies out there, BH are when your belly is suddenly really weird--like bunched up and lopsided or pointy--for no apparent reason. and it should feel hard to the touch. for me i feel nothing when this happens, like no pain or anything, but they have started happening 20+ times a day or so. it's interesting.

i also last 3 pounds this week, which is normal enough, and honestly i don't know what else i expected. i went from 9 months on my ass doing nothing to being home and busting it for 12 hours a day... of course i am going to lose a few pounds. if i had been home the whole time, i bet i would have only gained half what i have. maybe in the next life. but at least i know i should be able to lose the baby weight easily enough if i keep my activity levels pretty high. i'm really banking on the claim that breastfeeding is the magical cure for pregnancy fat, lol. it's hard to see myself so out of shape--i can't wait to have my body back. i've really grown an appreciation for what i had (or could've/should've had) now that i lost it! but it's ok--i'm not stressed or worried about it, because i've gained and lost weight enough times in my life to know it's a pretty straightforward process. the key is not to get overwhelmed with apparent lack of progress and keep at it... you never notice you are losing weight until one day you see a pic of what you used to look like.

crazy news: my lovely doula/super awesome bff is pregnant too! she just found out a few days ago, and it is possibly the coolest thing that could've happened at this point. we will have kids 9 months apart now, instead of 4-5 years! i'm so excited for her. and rowan. it's important to have cool friends! :) i think she's having a girl also, but we'll see... if it's a boy he's going to have some competition for her betrothal, lol. there are so many eligible baby boys around these days.

so my plan for the rest of this pregnancy, now that i have mostly finished my "to do" list, is to:
-finish a few chores (laundry/minor stuff)
-find a place to go swimming, preferably beach or springs on a hot day
-henna my hair, hands, and feet and spend the staining time relaxing
-sleep for a whole day
-maybe make some (more) food for the freezer if i feel like it. already got a great lemongrass ginger fish soup and some banana raisin spice bread :) and i know my friends have plans to deliver postpartum food, bless them.

the midwives say i'm doing fine (i was GBS neg, yay), looking "great," my blood pressure is "great," and her heart rate is "great," so... we just wait. i'm ok with another week of waiting. after that i might start to... encourage... labor in the few natural ways i know how. we'll see. as soon as i get my whole day of sleep i am ready for labor. today i made my "mama tea" blend, my healing bath tea blend, and a little bottle of hooha healer spray/pad soak liquid for afterwards. and of course i've got some of t.w.i.n.k. beauty's healing salve c/o me! that stuff is magical. i'm just going to assume the worst (a moderate tear) and plan to have supplies on hand to deal with that healing process. the mama tea is mix of physical/mental rejuvenators and some lactation aids, so hopefully that will be useful. i've been drinking raspberry leaf since the beginning of this pregnancy, and for the last 3 months i've added hibiscus and rose hips to it, and man i can drink that stuff by the gallon. it's tasty and i swear i can feel it nourishing me. so now i'm adding some extra herbs specifically for the post-birth trauma to help my body go back to normal as easily as possible.

i'm going to end this abruptly because i just remembered i need to look something up for a friend; but i think i have run out of things to say anyway. i'll try to update more often as labor approaches, to document every little weird change that might be signaling its commencement. :P

ok i feel weird. just weird. i'm nauseous and my stomach is disturbed for no apparent reason--i have not eaten or drunk anything strange at all.

last night we were watching a movie and as i sat there on the perfectly cushiony couch i was SO uncomfortable i actually cried about it a little bit. my back was hurting and i couldn't find a good position, rowan was kicking me constantly, my feet were sore, and my accelerated heart rate totally prevented me from relaxing. it was crappy! then i went to bed (and slept well b/c it was so late and i was so tired) except for waking up with stabbing pains in my ribs and then odd other pains in my belly. part of me really hopes labor is impending and the other part needs more time to prepare... but somehow i get the feeling it is totally not up to me.

good news though, matt finished the drywall in the living/dining rooms (YAY) so we can now paint and install the floors, which i imagine he will start on today. it's great. the room looks so much better already, even with just primer on the walls. we picked a nice stormy blue color for the walls that i think will look great.

(a few hours later)

omg... i am nearly ready to use the word "miserable" here. she's constantly squirming and with the baby-to-belly ratio as it is, that is not comfortable at all. i'm exhausted. my back hurts. my boobs started to hurt again. and i'm STILL sort of nauseous but it's hard to tell if it's just from all her wiggling pushing on my stomach or what. i'd say all i want to do is lay down and sleep, but laying down is no more comfortable than sitting up, really. i want to sit in a hot tub in a cold room. and magically sleep while floating weightless in the water.

at least i don't seem to be gaining any more weight... i didn't change between my last two appointments (which is great because as of right now i have about 50lbs to lose! i'm really banking on that 15-20 we supposedly lose during labor...egads). i just want to crumple into a blobbish wad on the floor and feel like myself again.

i'm not having any mood issues, oddly enough, but because my body is whacked out i'm not very interesting or interested in anything so i *seem* depressed/grumpy. i'm just uncomfortable.

i don't think i can do three more weeks of this. labor will be a blessing when it finally happens.

oh monty python. the hospital birth sketch... not funny because it's true.

the only thing that is (tragically, ironically) amusing about this is that they take the baby from her vagina instead of cutting it out of her. if they parodied like this nowadays, that would not be the case.



yep.

in closing, some words of wisdom from leilah mccracken, mother of 8(?) and co-founder of BirthLove:
you are not a machine. you are Life. remember that, and don't let anybody take your creative, infinite power away from you.

a while ago i posted briefly about this re: the upcoming documentary the other side of the glass. the issue at hand has to do with the way fathers are treated during conventional hospital birth, and the effect that has on them and their partners and babies.

initially, my instinct (and the filmmaker's) was that YES fathers are imperative at the births of their babies, they provide emotional support for the mother, comfort for the baby, and much-needed protection for both. in a lot of ways i think the only people who should be present at the birth are the two people who were present when the baby was made. i do not disagree with my first impressions, but i am beginning to wonder whether it is only now, when woman are forced to defend themselves alone during birth or risk being subjected to others' directives, that we need our men to stand watch for us. are men really supposed to be part of birth, evolutionarily?

my instinct says, maybe not. maybe we are doing them no favor by expecting their presence during such a confusing, powerful, woman-centered event. maybe we are doing ourselves no favor by requiring their adrenaline-laden presences in our sacred birth spaces. i wonder?

michel odent, servant of natural birth worldwide (and notably, a man himself), asks this in terms of the newly emerging recognition of a male post-natal depression epidemic:

Is the participation of the father at birth dangerous?

Around 1970, when theoreticians introduced new doctrines, they did not consider the effects of extreme emotional reactions some men may experience when their wife/partner is giving birth. To support their theories, they anticipated that participation of the father would strengthen ties between partners and that rates of divorce and separation would dramatically decrease. They assumed that the presence of the baby’s father, as a familiar person, would make the birth easier. By introducing the concept of male postnatal depression we first want to emphasize that many relevant questions were not raised at that time.

Among the questions that have not been raised properly were those about the possible influence of the participation of the father at birth on the sexual life of the couple afterwards. Through such a question we introduce the complex issue of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is mysterious: mystery has a role to play in inducing and cultivating sexual attraction. I had opportunities in the past to talk about the birth of their baby with women who were themselves born at the end of the 19th century. They could not imagine being watched by their husband when giving birth: "and what about our sexual life afterwards?" was their most common reaction. Today I am amazed by the great number of couples who split off some years after a wonderful birth according to the modern criteria. They remain good friends but they are not sexual partners any longer. It is as if the birth of the baby had reinforced their comradeship while sexual attraction was fading away.

We must add that the theoreticians of the 1970s had not understood that in order to give birth, a woman must put to rest her neocortex and her 'fight and flight system' (i.e. maintaining a low level of adrenaline). If they had understood this, they would have been more cautious before routinely introducing in to the birthing place a male neocortex stimulated by a release of adrenaline. They would have understood that when a man loves his partner, his anxiety during birth is normal and that his adrenaline release is highly contagious.

personally i would like to think that the sex relationship between partners would not be affected by birth, but really: how could it not be? i have read anecdotal evidence about male OB students who were impotent for months after watching a birth--just imagine if it was your partner you had to watch turn inside out... there MUST be some weird subconscious guilt (at having assisted in doing that to her) and revulsion (at seeing the prized parts so unceremoniously exposed) associated with that experience. it's not insignificant, if you ask me. perhaps less important when weighed against participating in the birth of your own child, yes, but not insignificant.

from what i can gather about the next part of the other side of the glass being worked on, she is going to address the fact that during birth, men become equally as vulnerable as women, watching the impossible happen... she equates it hormonally to the moment before orgasm when one is completely open and receptive, and brings in the idea that not only do the women need protection, but the men do too! she seems to suggest that men need a backup to allow them to open in the way that they are naturally inclined to do during the birth of their babies. (doula, anyone?) which to me is an interesting sort of sideways counterpoint to odent's assessment. perhaps the supported father--with another man or doula to metaphorically watch his back during birth--would not suffer the same anxiety and stress as a man forced to bear sole burden for protecting his partner during her--and his own--most vulnerable moment. just a thought.

historically and in traditional/native cultures, birth is exclusively the domain of women. we can talk about couvade (when men exhibit physical or feigned symptoms to parallel those of their wives) but the point is that men are *almost never* normally included in the actual birth of their children. women are attended by women. maybe instinctively we know that men do not add anything or receive any benefit from the participation in birth...

though a little part of me feels strongly that i need matt to see me do this--i want him to be a part of this massively important moment in my (and our) life, and to be proud and maybe a little bit awed that i can do it, and to see her and touch her before anybody else does--i can't help but wonder about these things. and wonder if he wouldn't be more comfortable knowing he isn't forced to be at my side and watch while i'm in pain. or my body does frightening things. haha. i mean, i know of course i want him to be there during labor, hopefully in the tub with me, but i think i am going to ask him how HE feels about it, since i honestly don't know if i have. i sort of just took the attitude of "damn right you will be at my side" and maybe that wasn't fair. and maybe his stress (if he is afraid to be there but forced) will be worse than not having him in the room...

i wonder what he will do, given the option?

i'm feeling a lot of interesting things lately, though "feeling" isn't quite the right word. "sensing" or "anticipating" maybe fits better.

i have a strange, calm sort of excitement about the birth. it sounds silly but it's not as much about finally meeting her--though of course that is awesome--as it is about the process of birth itself. i feel as if i am approaching a point-of-no-return spiritually, like i'm getting ready for a journey i can't even begin to speculate about; something completely otherworldly and life-changing.

having never done it before, i manage to have incredibly positive, and perhaps idealistic, feelings about birth... i imagine it as the greatest, most impossible task one could ever undertake, and knowing that i will get to the point of breaking where i "can't do it"--and still do it--is something i look forward to on a level i can't really describe. i want to break down completely, to give up, and then realize i'm not broken at all and come out singing. while i can understand on a physical and logical level why women might want painkillers for what is always described as the most painful experience ever, but emotionally and spiritually i cannot fathom agreeing with that. to me, numbing medication would be robbing myself of my own greatest experience. pain goes away... being able to know that i did it despite the pain is 100% worth it to me. there is a woman in the business of being born who expresses that birth can (and should) be the most empowering, triumphant experience of a woman's life, and that's basically how i feel about it. i am ready for the challenge and have no doubt about the outcome. women are made for this, and it is what makes us as strong as we are. we do the impossible as a matter of course.

i have been feeling a little... spacey?... but without the negative connotation; i've been having surges of spiritual energy or something like that, and it's making me aware of how irrelevant most of the things i spend my time on really are. i need to be secluded and quiet and a little bit out of touch to really embrace this. it's hard to be half-meditating at work! i have been listening to meditation podcasts at night to fall asleep, which is good, and i made a pandora station out of "new age/spa radio" music to listen to at work. this all started two fridays ago when i was exhausted, i went to the birth center and was told to go home from work and sleep, but instead of heading straight home i stopped at a little herb/crystal shop that i have been meaning to go to, and the second i walked in the door i reconnected with a part of myself that has been long repressed... it was like getting an auric massage just walking in the door. i didn't realize until then how caught-up i have become in the stupid things (stupid things=work), but now i do. the closer i get to birth the more strongly i feel that my life has to change. i know this is partly my saturn return waving from a distance and nudging me to get ready for what is to come. i had plans to pursue natural medicine that i have allowed to fall to a far back burner, but clearly they are not the kind of plans i can dismiss without a fight. which is good, because it will take a fight to put them into action. and it might take a number of years, as well, which i am fine with... there is no rush, as long as i can express myself as i wish without encumbrance.

i just can't bring myself to care about stupid things, or bills, or legal matters, or anything that doesn't directly relate to my growth as a spiritual being, or matt's, or how we are going to raise rowan. gardening, love, self-expression (of myself and others) and a harmonious home are the only things i give any concern to anymore. i'm half-afraid and half-hopeful that this will not change when the pregnancy is over. it is time for me to assert my needs, and to pursue what is important to me... all my intuition tells me that this drive will only become stronger after going through birth.

today was our 36 week appointment, and rowan is definitely head down and partially engaged. good news, now i can stop reading about how to turn a breech baby :). matt surprised me at the appointment by showing up, and he got to hear her heartbeat for the first time. and he felt her head through my abdomen. it was cute. i also took the GBS test so we'll see how that goes.

the difference between inner knowing that everything is perfect and will be perfect, and having external reality confirm it and say "yep" is really interesting. i have known from the beginning that this pregnancy (and birth) would be totally OK in every way, but somehow with each new confirmation of my intuition it gets more and more fun. i believe in informing myself of all possibilities regardless of what i really "feel" will happen--which is why i read everything and get worked up about stuff all the time--because i think it's important to understand fully all potential situation(s) even while i hope for and expect the best outcome. things are going as well as could be hoped for.

and rowan... she is an interesting being. i've had a sense of her since the beginning when i knew she was a girl, and it hasn't changed at all. of all the things i can't quite put into words, the one thing i can is "wisdom." it sounds silly but i never, ever think of her as a baby, a kid, or a noob at all... i relate to her as a fully sentient being who knows at least as much as i do about things, consciously or unconsciously. i don't think of her as a child. i think her "spirit" or whatever is way old and may even come out knowing exactly who she is. then again i may be completely wrong, but that's what my sense of her tells me. she's like an old monk or a sage spiritually, i think. and this funny little spirit i feel in the background, impatiently waiting its turn--her sister?--is so different from that. not unwise, but playful; almost mischievous. pregnancy does strange things to us. maybe i'm just hallucinating all of this via excess of hormones and imagination.

anyway... that's where i'm at.

last night i had my first "real" labor dream (i.e., one in which i experienced the whole thing from start to finish without any periods of unconsciousness or confusion). it all went very quickly and was completely without pain.

i'm not sure how it started, but suddenly i knew that she was about to arrive, and i was in the bathtub of the house i grew up in and my mom was there, so i told her quick to turn on the hot water and i sat down, knowing that i only had a few minutes left--there was no pain but i knew i was contracting, and i didn't have to push because it was all just happening--and i could feel her head coming out so i got on all fours and my mom caught her (then dropped her in the water), gave her to me, and all was fine. she was too big for a newborn, which i knew in the dream, but she was calm and there were no issues. the placenta came out a few minutes later. the midwives were in the next room still getting ready for the birth, and one of them poked their head in and saw me with the baby and she said something like "hold on we're almost ready for you" and i was thinking wtf? i just want to get out of the tub and into bed. and that's basically where it ended.

the interesting thing about this dream is that i was just talking to my mom yesterday about how i don't expect to want anyone, even her, in the room with me and matt and that i hope she isn't upset by that. i need to be as deep inside my animal-self as i can be, and i know that her presence will draw me into my mental-self and distract me slightly and that is the last thing i want to set myself up for. i've also read enough midwife-chatter to learn that many times the stress the grandmother is feeling at having to helplessly watch her child in pain translates into stress for the entire labor team. i imagine you become a pretty emotionally-connected group amidst a laboring woman, so i can see how that would be true. and i doubt my mom won't be able to sit quietly by and watch without trying to help, so unfortunately i am planning to keep everybody out unless i decide otherwise when the moment comes. it's not fair, and to an extent i am not giving her enough credit for her ability to handle crisis-type situations, but the fact is i KNOW how protective she is when anything threatens me or my sister, so in some way i am also trying to spare her the trauma of having to watch (and to spare myself the compound trauma of having to be in pain AND be in pain at watching her in pain because she's watching me in pain. see what i mean? it's easy to fall out the role of experiencer and into the role of observer/observed which as Odent says is terrible for facilitating natural birth).

so... that i would dream--in the first "successful" labor dream i've had--that my mom was the only one present is pretty interesting. i wonder where matt was? the midwives were too distracted "getting ready" for the birth to be there for it, and i get the feeling that i had no pain because i chose to have no pain. anyway, that was the dream.

as for "changes" i think perhaps rowan has "dropped" as of last night or this morning. i'm trying to figure out exactly what that is supposed to feel like, but i suddenly feel as though i have something pushing my pelvis apart ok now she's wiggling in two places, almost like there are more than one of her, and she's definitely not down in the pelvis. UNLESS her head is down there and her feet are splayed apart, each kicking one side of my belly. she can't pick a position and stick with it! i swear she rotates 10 times a day.

btw today is 36(+) weeks.