september mama

something amazing just happened to me.

all through college, i used to have frequent moments of this deep awareness of synchronicity in all aspects of my life; it was a constant presence of "ah" and relating one thing to the next with ease and obviousness, and it made for a very peaceful and blissful existence. somewhere that sense was buried and became harder to see, though it never disappeared...

i have spent this morning searching out websites in a string of subjects starting with childbirth education classes to hypnobirth to conscious creation and after browsing so many sites, was lead to make a silly google search of "how to be a goddess." after a few stupid sites, i found one that seemed pretty neat, so i clicked through it, read a bit about calling on 'your goddess' for guidance, integrating your "shadow" goddess to become more whole, and other cool stuff. and then i abruptly became annoyed by the fact that you have to pay $20 to take their "which goddess are you quiz" (despite the site having real meat, i don't appreciate hooks and traps like that).

so i was about to leave it when i scrolled down just to see which goddesses they address as "guides" and they were all greco-roman save two: white buffalo calf woman and rhiannon. i teared up. and i clicked on rhiannon.

everything on the page was written for me. it IS me. my best and my worst, right there, reminding me of the things i need to work at and the things i am so very blessed with. it is exactly what i needed to read right now. what a silly thing to wonder who my goddess is, when every time i sign an email or answer the phone i should be reminded of her. i am my own goddess because she is me. it is only when i forget this and look outside of myself that these things become confused.

when i first read the mabinogion and really learned about my namesake, i was struck by the description of her, of her mannerisms and the witty (almost sarcastic) way she spoke, and of her reaction to the often traumatic events in her life. of course the stories themselves are a myth, an oral tradition, but everything about her is like me; and i am so different from the rest of my family. though my parents named me in ignorance, not knowing its origin, i learned very young that my name really does mean something, that it isn't just a strange song... it is my daily reminder that i am myself, and i am also something else. the echo of her in me and me in her is the most powerful tool i possess to help create my life the way i imagine it. i have direct access to my higher power; i *am* the access and the inspiration and the power itself.

i'm going to work on not losing sight of that. thanks, universe, for the reminder.

whew! last night was packed full of madness in my head. i'm not sure if i've mentioned that i don't really sleep well anymore--i wake up to pee at least once around 2am, and then i find myself wide awake at 430 for no reason--and part of the problem is the crazy vivid dreams i am having.

this is going to be nonsense but i have to try to recall and record as much as possible anyway:
it started as a tour of a home for sale(?) or something like that--other people were touring it and i was there, and it was xmas because there were decorations and presents. at one point i was looking at the bathroom and i noticed that if i jumped high enough i could see a hidden part of the house behind the bathroom window... a whole other bathroom behind it, preserved from the 60s complete with towels on the rack and hairbrushes on the counter... i was so pissed because it was big and it meant that part of our house was hidden from us when we could've been using it. and someone knew and just hadn't wanted to tear out the wall between them.

then i was in an apartment complex looking for a midwife's office that turned into a sushi restaurant where i was having dinner with two academics talking about soil and wetlands, and my friend gabe was sitting at the table next to us eating dinner before he had to start serving, and he asked me why the hell i was sitting with weirdos talking about soil. when he left i said to someone, "see, he's one of the gabe's leading to why i don't want to name a boy gabriel!"

then i was on a journey to a castle with a suitor of the princess, and there were lots of us in a long train of people on horseback, and the suitor was heath ledger (of course, lol) and someone was trying to trick him into doing something that i knew meant he would either die, turn into an evil person, or just lose the princess but i couldn't get to him in time to convince him not to talk to the bad guy. then it changed and i was in a parking lot with my parents maybe with an RV and a lot of other people, and the weather was getting really bad... we looked out and there were huge tornadoes all along the horizon and moving randomly closer and further away... it was extremely scary and yet exhilarating at the same time. after a few minutes the sky went crazy into a white/silver/pink luminescence with flashing streaks of lighting more like an LSD hallucination, growing along the sky and changing and flashing in swirls. i was just staring at it in shock wondering if reality was changing before our eyes and thinking it might be the end of the world because nothing else seemed to explain it.

then later i was with [x] (someone who felt like matt but i think wasn't) and we went through a door that lead to another dimension just like this one--we could go back and forth--and in the other dimension i found myself in a room surrounded by shadow people who were dancing along and inside the walls, lots of them, really menacing and scary and making noise. i was supposed to get rid of them and i had a knife from our kitchen, so i kept stabbing at the walls, but it did nothing unless the shadow person came out of the wall first. so i was just lunging and slashing trying to get them and finally the "leader" or just a big, scary, red-eyed, clawed one came almost totally out of the wall and i hit him, but he didn't seem to care so i just kept stabbing at his neck and still nothing happened until i tried a sawing motion and got through his neck and took off his head. then he died but it was anti-climactic because the others were still there... and shortly after i wasn't there anymore and the dream had ended.

wacky. i do dream of tornadoes relatively often and it's usually terrifying, but this time was different because they were so far off and it seemed that either we could avoid them (by having a head-start) or we had no chance and would certainly die (because there were so many). anyway. i have no inkling what they might mean but there they are.

on to the book. i started Naturebirth the other night and i was rapt--yes, rapt--before i finished the first introduction. it's very well-written and given completely from a first-person perspective yet no less informative and objective than one would want a "facts" book to be. even though she is clearly giving her opinion... she's right and she's smart! really great so far. i read 70 pages in the last 2 days, which is a feat for me at this point considering how little time i spend reading lately.

i want to quote parts of it here, but so far i would end up quoting the entire book...

yesterday during my (very short and very silly) appointment at the birth center, i learned that they utilize ultrasound monitoring during all births as "policy." but it's not just monitoring every so-often, it's intense: every 30 minutes at the beginning, then every 15, then every 5 during pushing! it was really hard not to be very frustrated by learning that. i don't want any stupid monitoring--i know everything will be fine. (and how am i going to give birth in the tub if i have to keep getting out for the doppler?)

it's disheartening because i can't help but feel it implies they don't trust birth the way i am learning to do. everything i expose myself to these days is all about 'trusting birth' and giving in to nature's schematic and letting things happen... so at a place like the birth center, i want them to feel that too, to really get it and let things happen as they happen. but--no doubt a result of pressures from the medical community and/or fear of losing a baby and thus damaging their reputation--apparently that is just too risky for the midwives. the more i interact with medical professionals (of all kinds) the more clear it becomes that it is always the industry standards, the protocols, and the "doing everything by the books" that wins out.

i am not necessarily opposed to monitoring, because i understand they really just want everyone to be ok and to make it to the hospital on time should anything start to seem off, but it is hard not to feel disappointed in them anyway. i love those women and that place, i just wish it was more primitive, i guess.

when we have the next baby, i really think i am going to be at home by myself. or just "accidentally" not call the midwives in time to be there. not because i don't appreciate them, but because i don't think i need them. call me naive if you like; i call it faith in the universe.

we spent the entire weekend working on the house and we got a lot done! the half-wall for the bar area is drywalled and electrically-equipped, the future-bookshelf wall is drywalled and ready for sanding, the floors are bare... next stop is the tear out and replace the final wall and build the bar.

and in the baby's room, we cleaned it out except for decor/furnishings we are going to use, we finished the drywall on the closet and are ready to paint! now i just have to decide what color to paint it. this room will be ready in no time. i'm so excited about it... the more time the VOCs have to air-out before the baby arrives, the better. i'll have to stock up on some plants to stash in there for a while.

i also got a box full of decorative paints from a co-worker, along with tons of gorgeous feathers, twig wreaths, beads, bells, and other faerie-ish bits to hang about. the main thing i want to worry about is the tree though. as soon as we paint...

i have an appointment at 1030 and i am getting very antsy that matt might not be awake to drive me to it. *looks at the clock again*

(format totally swiped from a hilarious friend's blog)

synopsis: a self-help manual for pregnant women who want to maximize their psychological and spiritual involvement in all the processes from conception to birth.

target audience: pregnant women who intuitively "feel" that birth isn't what it used to be, but don't know much about what they think is wrong or how to make the most of their pregnancies as a spiritual event.

notes: i felt like i was having deja vu from page 1; there was no really new material (for me) in this book. it was decently written, used a lot of personal examples and women's perspectives, but overall it was pretty repetitive and not extremely fascinating.

rating: 3 out of 5 stars for having a good intentions and really trying to empower those who don't realize they have been disempowered. one star lost for the excessive overuse of michel odent quotes, another star lost for repeatedly using the (arguably untrue) phrase "no one can love a child as much as its mother." one half-star lost for only half-heartedly asserting that sometimes a c-section is the most loving choice, but gained the half-star back for all the women's quotes at the end of each chapter. that was the best part.

i'm not sure why--maybe i can blame past-life memories--but i resonate so strongly with the pain, horror, and despair that this crazy chick talks about in this post. i know i will have a perfect, quiet, natural birth, but something in me KNOWS what she is talking about. i've been there, somehow. i feel what she's feeling and it is the root of my hospital phobia. i think it's even the root of my overall anti-medical sentiments towards everything.

(it's not a total downer so don't get me wrong. full post below.)

***
"I just re-realized that every single one of the people who tell me to get over it--in reference to shitty traumatic births have never had a homebirth, never seen a homebirth, and have major unresolved stuff about their own births-- or even more ridiculous--no baby at all.

This little thought helps me to understand where people are coming from when it seems they are coming at me. I am stepping off of the merry go round that goes like this:

I was cut in half!
No body helped me!
I was denied then entire process of birthing! The hormonal rush---just kapoot--did not occur!
I have undergone major surgery--isnt that enough to garner some loving care?
I am not pregnant anymore--where is the baby? How can there be a baby without labor or pushing or birthing?
Why do they need me to be so happy? Is it truly weird to be sad when something shitty is going on?

My homebirth renewed and renewed and renewed me, each day a little more. The vast majority of people will never understand this--but for them to take it so far as to deny the existence of this phenomenon is absurd.

We get so freaking loopy about the Olympic athletes---we accept their triumph and their rush and their victories---and all they get is a stupid medal-probably isnt even real gold. But a mother, one who has truly undergone labor and birth, has experienced something so victorious and so triumphant--but that makes people feel weird. Squirmy. Images of naked ladies victorious is just waaaay off the acceptable scale for most people. Because there is a vulnerability in the victorious new mother. and victory as dictated to us by the modern media, entails Independence, vigor, and--yes--clothing and being a male help alot, too.

Being strong, super strong, outrageously strong, move-mountains strong is what birthing Mamas are. Either you have been there or you havnt. Either youve seen it or youve done it or you havent. There is no father at a homebirth who has to be coaxed off of his cell phone because the baby is crowning. There are no dry eyes in a room when a superwoman has bellowed and roared and conquered the oceans of hurricane force waves fpr her fetus/baby/savior. Either youve seen this, youve been there, youve done this, or you have not. I am not sure if there is any more human and normal and natural thing that is so secreted away in all of our civilization. Where do we come from, how did we get here--all a secret. Shhh shhh nice blue gowns...Mommy will be back in about 6 days....the baby came out of her tummy.

B U L L S H I T

Strong and vulnerable protect her space, yes she is naked yes she is turning inside out, bloody, open as you could ever be, baby so vulnerable, also bloody also naked, but strong as hell, the both of them.

The male model of "Strength" we all are so familiar with is what got us Mamas into our blue gowns and our stranded beetle positions in the first place. The men wanted to see what was going on in there. They were jealous and intimidated by the strength, the mystery, the miraculous miracle. Apparently it wasnt enough to go watch the goats or the lambs or the cats give birth---they wanted to see the women, and like an antiquated precursor to Television Viewing, a front row seat with a great view sounded just peachy. Lay her on her back! Demanded the menfolk---no no said the midwives and the Mamas and the friends--they never do it that way--Lay her on her back so we can SEE! ---and then the boys took over. Men, medicine, and the strength of the women, in such a vulnerable time, such an ebbing and flowing and precious and SACRED time--the time of birthing--was severely severely interrupted. Lay her down, stare at her privacy, glare at her, measure her, judge her, monitor her, QUANTIFY THIS EVENT BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY GODDAMNIT!...well that was the beginning of the end.

But there are still so few people at least in my sphere that even could begin to get this, and I cant blame them anymore. For the bloggers that do, I love you. For the people that dont, I am sorry for you. You dont know about something that is EXTREMELY important to know about. True Birth."
***

i found that really touching. it's nothing new to hear, but she said it very well (despite all the typos)...

last night in the police academy matt had 8 hours of first aid class, 4 of which were about birthing babies in an emergency! he told me about it a little while ago and how he learned a lot of things he had no idea about... like afterbirth, haha... and he decided there is no way in hell he is going to be videographer-dad during the birth (i guess he doesn't want a record of the horrifying shapes my body will take on? lol). i told him i'd disembowel him before i let a videocamera in there, so it works out. but anyway i am half-glad and half-nervous that he now knows something about birth... he mentioned that he learned about complications and is now kind of nervous, which sucks. part of me wants him oblivious so he can't question me when i say what we are and aren't doing, i think. that's bad. but the less he knows the less he can worry, and the less his worrying will affect me. but the other part of me is really glad he was forced to sit through a crash-course just in case he ends up delivering this baby for whatever reason. and so that he knows what's coming even when he doesn't have to do anything except comfort me.

he's coming with me to my appointment on monday though, so i suspect meeting the midwives and just being in that uber-peaceful, gorgeous birth center again will calm him down. as will seeing how comfortable i am there. the last thing i need is for him to get stressed out and stress me out by association!