september mama

before i got pregnant, my hair was growing pretty fast and shedding less than usual (since switching to shampoo bars and a wooden comb). my nails were ok, and my skin was clear 90% of the time.

during pregancy, my hair started growing faster, my skin was perfect and pretty, and my nails grew like weeds (which was annoying). also i basically stopped shedding hair.

since having rowan, my skin is a MESS! it's awful, and it's stressing me out. my hair has kept growing fast from what i can tell--it's really long, just above my butt--and still wasn't shedding. and my nails are still growing fast.

but yesterday i henna'd, and when i combed it afterwards i noticed i had started shedding again; 3 months on the dot. now comes the fear that i will have issues with postpartum hair loss... apparently the amount of hair loss is related to the stressfulness of the birth, in which case, i'm f*cked. royally.

i can only hope genetics comes in to play because i know my mom didn't lose enough hair to even notice, so maybe i'll be ok. i shed a lot normally anyway, and the hairball i was left with yesterday was smaller even than usual, but still. i worry. i have two friends who lost about 1/2 their volume after birth, and one of them is only getting back now, after 5 years. considering i am growing my hair to maintain around my hips, having it be super-thin is not really an option!

as for rowan, her little bald spot around the back is trying to fill in but i think rubbing on the crib is thwarting it a bit. it looks like she will be a strawberry blonde like me, at least for a few years. and i don't think her eyes are changing either. it's weird how strongly the blonde/blue eyes must have come through me--i would never have guessed that, considering her daddy's chocolate eyes and dark hair. and we have no blondes in the second generation back...

her baby acne is all cleared up (yay!) and the cradle cap seems to be done too. her little nails grow super fast too, and they are not easy to cut! but the way she rubs her face and whatnot it has to be done.

i wanted to post more about child spacing (i found an interesting--opinionated--article about it) but it's nap time and i'm not feeling inspired enough just now. it's on the way, though.

things have really normalized for us now, which i guess isn't surprising considering rowan is 3 months old today! geez. time flies...

everything is great, she's down to one feeding per night, she's happy--laughing--and babbling, finally outgrowing some of those newborn clothes, and putting on a little fat. work is totally no big deal and my mom is really enjoying having time with her, which is nice. she doesn't seem to mind my absence either.

we didn't get her vaccinated at her 2 month appt, which was kind of a big deal to the doc, the intern, and the random third authority figure in the room against me at the appointment, but whatever. they were trying to intimidate me but that doesn't usually work on me for one thing, and for another, i know what's in those things! and contrary to what i am sure they are used to, i HAVE read all about the vaccines and their respective diseases. nonetheless, i was sent home with lots of scary reading material and given numerous subtle reminders that i'm risking the entire "herd immunity" by not vaccinating her, etc etc... but i stood strong and said "maybe later, not now." yes, i was equivocating, but screw them. it is not a decision taken lightly, trust me--i just can't do it to her. but i imagine this conversation with myself (and matt, and maybe even rowan) will continue for the next few years, as i can't bring myself to say 'never' even though that's how i feel right now. blah.

i'm doing pretty well too, i think i've finally lost a few pounds(?) but i'm having a boob issue that kind of sucks a lot. i decided to go ahead and use the estrace cream one day, so i put a tiny bit down there where i needed it, and then read on drugs.com that it's totally contraindicated for breastfeeding, of course. so that was the only time i've used it... but the next day one of my boobs was really sore/tender, and since that was listed as a potential side effect, i brushed it off. but it really hurt to nurse, and kept up for about 36 hours when suddenly everything was normal again. i assumed it was the cream. but now it's happening again, same side, same sensation--there is no heat, redness, or obvious lump so i really didn't think it was a plugged duct, but i'm thinking that must be what it is. it HURTS. even when i'm not nursing, but moreso then (of course the best way to cure it is to nurse a lot and pump constantly until the block is cleared). all i can guess is that it's from rowan sleeping so long at night and the boob not draining regularly as a result. the thing is, the other side is the one that is prone to overfilling; my left breast has been operated on and produces about half as much as the right because apparently the surgeon had no regard for my future lactational abilities and just cut through whatever was in there when he removed the lump (this was when i was 19). so i'm wondering if maybe the scar tissue in there is partially the cause of the blockage...? anyway, it hurts and i want it to go away! the last time it was over pretty quickly on its own, but i'm going to try soaking it in hot water tonight because i'm tired of it.

speaking of tonight, matt's dad and stepmom are coming up. we've made a huge leg of lamb, some twice baked potatoes, veggies, and homemade pudding with timbales to impress them, lol. (of course since i don't eat land critters i'll be having fish instead.) i hope it turns out ok!

the next day:

ok dinner was great, my homemade pudding rocked, and now i know how to make funnel cake which was so tasty. my boob issue is 95% better too, after much nursing and manual expression.

"nana and pops," as they call themselves, wore rowan out this morning! she played and laughed with them for about an hour and half before crashing hard for a nap... i think we are going to visit matt at work later on, hopefully after lunch out somewhere :).

but back to the subject... about that paranoia re: getting pregnant from carelessness; apparently matt told our friends that he's 'trying to get [me] knocked up again.'

omfgwtf?!

you'd think he would've mentioned that to me first, but no. at least now i know why he doesn't seem to care about being safe... it's funny though, just the other night out of nowhere he said "so when do you want to have another baby?" and for whatever reason i didn't find that strange or get suspicious (as i should have, matt doesn't ask things like that nonchalantly) and i just said "i dunno whenever you do i guess" and didn't even bother to dig deeper. which is so unlike me. but i guess i got my answer, albeit not from the horse's mouth. and now comes the part where we are both ridiculous: now that i know his little plan, and since i am not altogether opposed, i have to continue to seem oblivious and just let things happen. because if i bring it up, or let him know i know his intentions, the pressure is on and it could turn him off the whole idea for years to come. i guess this pushy little spirit hanging around will have her way whenever she is ready, since the biological door will be open.

the only downside is now i will have to take a pregnancy test every month since i have no idea when to expect my period. or when i might suddenly find myself pregnant again. ah, the joys of "natural family planning" ...or lack thereof.*

it's really nice to hear that matt has let go of the whole being-broke-sucks issue, though... he seems to have learned that there are more important things to care about than money. and he loves being a daddy :)



*i felt distinctly pms-like mood swing issues a few days ago, so i assumed i was either pregnant or getting my period... test said no baby, and so far no period either. weird.

unless it's your own! gaaaah!

the other day at work, after spending 10 minutes pumping the 'liquid gold' my body worked so hard to make, i freakin spilled an entire ounce of it all over the counter where i was washing out my pump paraphernalia. i seriously almost cried, but then i realized the hilarity of enacting such a stupid platitude and i didn't feel like crying anymore.

speaking of breastfeeding... i'm going to ramble for a few minutes on the subject. i strongly recommend that any new moms who may be facing a return to work (at any point) start pumping in a leisurely manner as soon as they have milk. i started using my manual pump casually during feeds (baby on one, pump on the other) about a week after giving birth, and right now i have almost 4 GALLONS of milk stashed away in the freezer. we have a deep freezer, luckily, so i have the space for it. but... any anxiety i might otherwise have about how much rowan drinks vs. how much i pump when i'm not at home is completely irrelevant because there is no way we will be running out of milk without several weeks' notice! it makes life a lot easier... in fact, the only thing i really worry about is whether it will ever be used at all.

i think i already addressed my pump (medela pump-in-style) as a super-handy gadget worth every penny, so i'll leave it at that except to say it's fast which is awesome at work. i hope i mentioned our stint with fenugreek previously as well; if not, i will later.

speaking of work... it's actually fine. i'm not freaking out, i'm not stressed, and it's *almost* nice to be out of the house two days a week. except that i miss her. but i haven't cried about it, and neither has she, really--the first day there were some "where's mama?" tears but after that she has been perfectly happy with my mom. which of course i have mixed feelings about (doesn't she need me?!) but really i'm just glad she isn't stressed and she isn't giving my mom a hard time. they have fun together and i get constant updates via skype, which ROCKS. and work even let me do a 1/2 day from home every week, which is even more rocksome. nothing like answering emails from the Dean of Agricultural and Life Sciences with a baby on my boob; ha.

rowan is 10.5 weeks right now, which is insane... she is so cute though. she's gurgling, cooing, squealing, and laughing and it's all just too much for my brain to process. i feel like my head is going to explode from the cuteness sometimes. she still hasn't quite got the hang of sucking her thumb, but it's close. and she has total head control now, and has rolled over once or twice too. ah, the baby milestones. dairy still upsets her tummy though, alas. i just want some ice cream! but she's teaching herself to only wake up once per night around 430, so that's some consolation i guess. she's such a good baby...

oh and this is weird: she's had a little piece of glitter stuck to her head since about week 2, and no matter that i scrub her head every night in the bath, the glitter remains. i don't want to intentionally scratch it off now (though i do wash her without regard for it) because it has taken on some kind of metaphysical significance--no amount of scrubbing has removed it, nor have clothes-changes, rubbing, kisses, or any of the other million ways we touch her head. so now it's kind of become a game to see how long the glitter stays. did i mention we have NO idea how it got there in the first place? nothing she owns has glitter on it. it's utterly mysterious.

about me... doc decided i have "atrophic vaginitis" which sounds really awful but just means my nether regions are suffering from a lack of estrogen (normal while breastfeeding); thus healing is slowed and the tissues are weak and thin, since apparently that area depends entirely on estrogen for health. so he prescribed me an estrogen cream to use... and i haven't yet. the first one was premarin which i didn't bother to fill the rx for, since i already knew it was made from horse hormones and had no intention of putting that anywhere near my body, evil as its production is. so i called and had it replaced with a synthetic version, and now i'm seriously waffling about using it anyway. estrogen is proven to reduce milk supply AND it passes into the milk, so rowan will be dosed too... estrogen affects bone growth, among other things. so i can't bring myself to use it so far and i'm not sure what to do.

thoughts on the subject:
- if my body isn't making estrogen right now, obviously it doesn't want or need it, right?
- i'm terrified of any decrease in milk supply, and yes, there is some systemic uptake even with a topical cream (skin is really good at absorbing chemicals)
- obviously i don't want her to have any excess hormones that i'm not naturally giving her via my milk (and since i can't have dairy--and use organic anyway--as of now they are only from MY body)
- it would be really nice to have my hoo-ha back to normal in terms of integrity thanks to a little dab of cream

so here i sit, continuing not to use it as i vacillate on whether it's worth the risks. blah.

on a somewhat related note, i'm now officially paranoid that i could possibly have gotten pregnant recently, since i have no idea when my period will be coming or when i should consider it "late" since i have yet to have had one in almost a year... and there was some diving without a wetsuit the other day *ahem*. more than once. so stupid, considering one of my best friends has irish twins for that very reason. but whatever, i warned him! now i just have to hope the window of opportunity is still firmly shut and locked... i'd like to enjoy rowan on her own for a while before we have another baby to steal the spotlight!

IT WORKS! seriously. awesome.

just wanted to say that.

wow, i can't believe she's been here two months already--and i can't believe it's only been two months! seems like she's been in our lives forever...

things are really great despite having had no income for the last two weeks (or the next two for that matter...); rowan is such a good baby and we have really settled into an understanding, if not a full-on schedule. last night was her first night sleeping alone in her bedroom and she did great. i'm working on helping her learn to fall asleep on her own; up until now she has always nursed all the way into sleep, and it caused trouble when i'd put her down because she would wake up instantly and start crying to nurse again. so we're using the techniques from the no-cry sleep solution and even after just two nights i can tell she's learning/accepting that sleep can come without the help of my boobs. lol. it was weird to go to bed without her just a few feet away though--i kind of missed her. *sigh* evolution did a really good job ensuring moms would attach to their babies...

our typical day right now goes like this:

wake up around 730, may or may not get out of bed (if not, she's in bed with me nursing while i rest). when we finally do get up, diaper change and then she gets playtime in the swing or bouncer while i make coffee and eat breakfast. then we hang out...we dance, go for a walk, play cooing games, etc for as long as she will tolerate it.

nurse again, then usually she naps for an hour or so (11am-1pm on a good day) while i do the day's chores

she wakes up, nurses, then playtime again until around 3pm or so when she usually nurses and then naps again until 5pm. repeat, but replace playtime with daddy-time while i make dinner.

bedtime routine starts between 7-730pm: she gets a bath, then swaddled, then we nurse and sing in the rocking chair for 20-30 minutes or until she falls asleep, at which time i put her in the crib and start the "no-cry" techniques (assuming she is awake, which she usually is). she falls asleep by 830pm 99% of the time.

wake up around 2am for a nighttime feeding, and again around 5am. by this point i usually bring her to bed with me and let her nurse at will until i feel like getting out of bed...

all in all, it's nice. she's very regular unless something interrupts her, though even through a day at the mall all today she slept on her usual schedule. two perfect naps and in bed at 730. she's awesome.

i wanted to update my feelings on cloth diapers too--i still love them, but dappi covers aren't our main staple anymore (they were just too big and the velcro kept scratching her as a result). i had a single gdiaper that was my favorite, so i was looking on ebay for a used lot of them when i stumbled on a $30 off coupon someone had posted! i went to the gdiapers site and managed to get a $70 box of 6--which is about 4 more than we need--for only $40! freakin' fantastic, and i have to say these diapers are awesome. i don't use the flushable bits because we are on septic, so i use a prefold stuffed in there instead and it works like a charm. i highly recommend these diapers as they create hardly any laundry, the covers almost never get soiled, and the plastic liners are really quick to wash out when they get messy. plus they fit well! the only downside is they are definitely pricey; but it's a worthy investment. i will be buying more when she outgrows the ones we have.

also: breastpumps. i bought a medela pump-in-style on ebay ($70 all told; they normally cost $300!) and i LOVE it. it's quick and very effective, plus it's adjustable in terms of suction power and speed. i can drain myself in about 7 minutes with that thing which will come in very handy at work. and i think it has helped me increase milk production.

speaking of which, i have been drinking the traditional medicinals mother's milk tea since the beginning, and i do think it has helped a bit (i chug about a quart or so a day b/c i make a big batch and pop it in the fridge), but i wanted a more powerful increase since i know i will be having to pump a lot soon... so i started taking some fenugreek tincture. it worked, and i smelled like maple syrup, but watch out! it gave me and rowan both terrible gas, and she was miserable for a few days as a result. so i had to quit it, unfortunately, but it definitely upped my production. i'm trying to maintain the increase by pumping as much as i can.

and finally, work. *sigh* i am going back part time starting next week, i just have to figure out when and how many hours. my mom will most likely be taking care of rowan while i am away, since matt is back at the hipp next week full-time *growl* so at least she will have a loving caretaker... but i still don't really like it. i just don't have a choice. so today my sister and i went to the mall and i spent a $50 gift card i had on some shirts, a fabulous lip color that i plan to wear every single day, and a new pair of shoes (same as an old pair i wore out). it was nice--i haven't bought clothing since november, and i was pregnant then. made me feel a little more positive about going back to work.

i'm also actively beginning some "anti-aging" skin treatments since i realize now how easy it is to completely neglect myself in favor of the baby, and how easy it is to become a frumpy soccer-mom type... i'm on guard now. i'm back to a largely raw diet, i'm going to the gym regularly (30 pounds takes a long time to come off), and it's time to get serious about my skin, since it's obvious i'm not 21 anymore. i broke down and bought a commercial product but now i think my own concoction will actually be better in the end... we'll see.

so that's about it... not much, but at the same time a lot. rowan is growing so fast it's scary.