september mama

i really don't want to write a ranting post about vaccines--i rant enough!--but nonetheless i feel it is my duty as a compassionate human being to at least offer some information as a starting point so that others can take a step toward researching things on their own.

whatever anybody decides is their own business and i support you in your informed choices... but not to question and seek answers before making a decision about something concerning your child's health is just foolish. so please, if you have babies, do your research... googling "vaccine safety" is a good place to start; you will see both sides of the issue distributed pretty equally. (yes, there are TWO sides and it is an issue!)

and fyi, even if you really believe in the benefits of vaccines and know you want your child to have all or some of them, you should know you have EVERY RIGHT to delay them as long as you choose. the longer your baby has to develop its immune system before being pummeled by dead viruses and bacteria, the better chances of a safe outcome. even just spacing them out so that baby only gets one at a time can have a massively beneficial effect. and just because you allow one doesn't mean you have to allow all of them; you have the right to choose.

my stance on this, if you haven't guessed already, is strongly anti-vaccination. for those who feel the same way that i do, you should know that you have EVERY RIGHT to refuse all or some of the scheduled vaccinations for any reason you like. you will be told your child 'cannot enter public school' without them; this is a LIE. here in florida you have to fill out a form declaring your objections, but you can object and they cannot bar your child(ren) from school... though the counties will in most cases reserve the right to make them stay home in the case of an outbreak of this or that (which is likely for the best anyway). it does not make you a bad parent for refusing vaccinations; that is the heart of the "informed consent" doctrine which all citizens are entitled to.

you are entitled to know the risks of BOTH doing and not doing something, and to choose based on that information. the reality that doctors fail 99% of the time in truly informing us is why we must inform ourselves. what so many people don't understand about medicine is that it is almost always a gamble either way... whether you accept OR refuse any particular treatment or procedure, there are risks--they just differ. sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

and as a last note on the subject: if you are considering gardasil, p l e a s e research it thoroughly before going through with it! it hasn't even truly been tested rigorously, and is NOT approved for use in very young girls despite the widespread advertisement to the contrary. nor has it even been scientifically proven that HPV has a causal relationship with cervical cancer (correlation: yes, causation: no).

do your homework. in all things: "think for yourself. question authority." -timothy leary

edit 3/12/09:
i realized it was time to start accumulating any legally-necessary forms relating to vaccines and newborn care, should i end up in the hospital (birth plans are not enough). so i spent some time here and found what i was looking for, but the best thing i have ever seen in relation to vaccines and doctors and informed consent is this whammy response to a pushy doc. YOWZA! it's basically a total reversal of "informed consent" waiver forms... in this one, rather than YOU signing something saying "i understand the risks of not doing this blah blah" you are demanding that the doctor sign a form saying "i swear this is safe and i assume responsibility if it isn't." because--i hope you know this--it is within most state statutes that docs, pharm companies, school boards, etc, are all exempt from being held responsible if your child suffers from the administration of their "safe, FDA-approved" drugs. it's your problem if little johnny is autistic thanks to his DTaP shot. if it's really bad, maybe you will get lucky enough to settle with the 'no-fault' vaccine injury compensation program, though...

anyway, here i am ranting again when i said i didn't want to! ok ok one last tidbit: do you know how many vaccines contain aborted fetal tissue (not to mention the other scary sh*t they put in them)? what is, say, a catholic who opposes abortion to do about that? claim it's for the greater good and move on? *ponders* genesis 9 and leviticus 17 talk pretty extensively about not taking "blood" (ie, life) from other beings, and i can't find the quote about not mixing animal and human blood right now, but it's in there.

ok i'm done, really.

a whirlwind of things just happened and i don't know where they left me.

i made the mistake of not talking to matt about my feelings regarding the birth center, and so just a little while ago when he called me asking why i didn't need a ride home, i explained that i was going to an appointment at 1pm... he got pretty upset, unable to understand why i would want to switch care providers at 7 months pregnant, and felt i was being crazy and not accepting the "facts of life" (that most women have random people deliver their babies). i tried to explain that i was just going to talk to them, not necessarily switch, but he just didn't understand. i think the primary problem was that he was hurt i hadn't already mentioned anything to him, and just went ahead without hearing his opinion.

not 5 minutes after we hung up, the women called me to say that they can't meet me today because they have births happening. it felt like a sign.

now i am feeling regret (for not talking to matt in the first place), frustration (for him not understanding my position), and confusion (that maybe it IS a sign).

and i am seriously questioning myself re: is it really a big deal to just stick with the birth center? am i making a fuss over nothing? are my vague feelings inflating themselves out of proportion?

it is SO HARD to get a good sense of the rationality of my feelings, being pregnant. i'm really starting to think maybe i have been overreacting...

the reality is that matt and karen will be in the room with me during birth (and maybe my mom, i can't decide). isn't that enough? i probably won't even be aware of what the midwives are doing or not doing to me, let alone caring whether i know them or not. i'm trying to imagine birth from a normal-consciousness perspective and it's beginning to seem really absurd... i probably won't care about ANYthing except getting the baby out. so wtf?

it's all very confusing. i may just leave well enough alone and deal with the situation i've created for myself. that'll teach me not to choose my authority figures without weighing all the options better while i'm still able to think like a normal person.

bah!

i have been hesitant to state this "out loud" though i have been quietly discussing it with one or two people, but it's time to get it off my chest...

i'm thinking of leaving the birth center.

it's a great place, don't get me wrong--for most women wanting a natural birth it is the perfect mix of a reassuring, low-tech-but-efficient setup with all the benefits of being at home in a private, quiet space. the midwives are lovely. everyone is courteous and concerned without being overbearing or authoritative.

but i find more and more that i seem to be a "special case," and it's not fitting me. maybe i am a birth extremist (probably). maybe i am overconfident (possibly). but it just doesn't feel right anymore.

my reasons are thus:

1) i am now completely sure that they will attempt to "manage" my labor in many more ways than i am willing to accept. doppler "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. blood pressure/pulse checks "at least" every 5 minutes during pushing. cervical checks at indeterminate intervals (she didn't answer my questions thoroughly today). these are things i know i am not OK with--i want to be left alone to labor on my own, especially during pushing! if i want help, i will ask for it, and if something is wrong, i will know it. that's all i ask, and it's more than they can give me.

2) i do not have any say in who will be attending for the birth--whoever is on call gets the job. one midwife, one assistant, not my choice.

3) i have only felt a genuine connection with one of the midwives there (possibly two, but less so with the second), and i only saw her once! the other few i either do not particularly like or have not interacted with. this is a problem! i have no interest whatsoever in having a stranger participate in the birth of my daughter. none. no way. i'm being stubborn enough about FAMILY being present for it; the last thing i want is some jackass midwife i haven't said 2 paragraphs to prodding me up the wahoo. this may seem trivial but it really isn't. and of course i know they are all caring, practiced, gentle women who will do their best to make me comfortable and happy, but the bottom line is they are still strangers. i don't want anyone i haven't developed a relationship with at this birth. i guess i was under the impression that through the 30 weeks of care at the BC i would have had the chance to establish rapport with everyone... but that just isn't the case. a woman, however caring she may be, who doesn't know me will inevitably treat me like "just another patient" and i will resent every moment of what should otherwise be the best day of my life.

4) i spoke with someone here at work who had their first baby at the BC and decided to go with NFRMC midwives for the second. he said his wife is like me (super-anti-intervention) and yet they felt that the hospital setting with these women would be better than their experience at the BC; he said the birth was fine and everything, but they felt sort of abandoned afterwards and his wife was unhappy with not knowing the midwife closely... choosing a hospital over a birth center, for someone like me, is insane. she must have really disliked something about her birth that he doesn't fully understand. that worries me.

all of these things are eating away at my comfort level with the BC. today i had my 30 week checkup and everything was ok (i'm "a little bit" anemic) but--adding to a slight pressure i felt regarding my questioning of rhogam last time*--i had a nearly-uncomfortable conversation with the mw about the waiver i signed for the glucose test. i SIGNED AN INFORMED CONSENT REFUSAL last time i was there, and yet she still brought it up and attempted to encourage (read: coerce) me into reconsidering via scare tactics. wtf? i signed the form, leave me alone. she wanted to know why i refused it and then proceeded to tell me that i could easily have gestational diabetes and never know it, and it could lead to problems... so she wanted me to sign another refusal form (why?!) stating that i had been informed of the risks of not having the test. well, that pissed me off, so i shot back with the only ammo i had and said "well i haven't been informed of the specific risks to the baby" and didn't sign until she told me; i already knew from my own research, but that's not the point. what she failed to mention, however, are the actual incidences of that kind of complications. plenty of scary possibilities, no hard numbers. i had to fight tears of anger at her putting me in the position of needing to defend my perfectly legal and acceptable decision, and that made me really frustrated.

i've said this a million times: i trust my body. why can't they accept that and let me make my own decisions?

i mean, for example, i bet if they tested my vitamin d levels they would freak out--i KNOW i am lacking it, because i've been quite literally craving sunlight exposure for months. i want to lay out in the sun and go to the beach every day its not cloudy out. i want to be naked in the blazing sun all the time (me, with the pale skin and light-blind eyes). but they don't test for that because the medical community hasn't got around to identifying it as a "risk factor" for this or that condition. even though vitamin d is a critical nutrient. so... what i am saying is that the things they DO worry about are sort of arbitrary anyway. really.

back to the point of this post: tomorrow i have a meeting with the "other" group of homebirth midwives in gainesville, the midwive's cooperative. i know a whole lot of people who have used them and not a one ever uttered a syllable of regret. in fact, one came close to wishing the midwife had done more at the birth instead of leaving her to do it herself. that's my kind of care, lol! so i will see what they have to say, sort out the logistics if necessary, and then talk to matt. these women appeal to me not only because they are so highly recommended, but also because it's up to the mother who attends her birth, and the chosen two will be the ONLY ones attending. no "well x is on call right now..."

i will go and meet them, and if it is love-at-first-words i will be switching. and having a homebirth, apparently. if not, i will stick it out with the birth center and see what i can do to labor at home until the last possible moment.

i'm just sick of feeling like i have to justify my decisions all the time. i am not an idiot and i'm not deliberately being difficult, but i FEEL like i am when i am questioned by people who's business it is none of. (there's a revealing statement--why do i feel like it's "none of their business"?? they are my midwives, after all. but that is how i feel.)

/end rant

*yeah, last time was the rhogam conversation. a midwife whom i do like had a blunt, but not quite aggressive, conversation with me about my indecision regarding taking the shot. she was truthful and not just trying to scare me, but it was clear we disagreed... i presented her with the research i had done, and the numbers, and yet she still seemed to think maybe i didn't understand what a wonderful life-saver it was. she obviously loves rhogam based on the things she was saying, and that's fine--we all have our biases. but it still made me uncomfortable. she's right, it is "gambling," but it's not for no reason. it's a gamble either way which is what they never want you to think about. and, as a parallel between rhogam and vaccines, she made a nearly-disparaging comment about the fact that her assistant that day "refuses to vaccinate her children," which kind of irked me. something about how that's fine nowadays because everyone else is vaccinated...

anyway today when the question of rhogam came up with a different midwife, i was presented with a totally different point of view. this one seemed to think it was no big deal whether i got the shot and assured me i would know if my blood mixed with the baby's (via trauma). the last chick specifically said, "most of the time if that happens you don't know it." wtf? can i get some consistency here? needless to say, i remain without it, non-sensitized to Rh+, and will wait until matt's blood test is done before i take any action.

rowan has been doing kung-fu acrobatics all day long!

i am feeling a strong urge to keep this to myself out of fear that matt will suddenly change his mind and break my heart... but i definitely picked a name. he gave me his "top 5" from our list, i did some research and some soul-searching, and have adopted her name in my head.

now i just have to do it publicly and pray he doesn't go all gemini on me, shifting like the wind. i sent him an email about it because i couldn't bear to say it over the phone! it's THAT likely for him to just up and say "nah, i don't really like it anymore" now that i have my heart set on it.

*sigh*

her name will be... rowan evelyn. here's why:

ROWAN

From an Irish surname, an Anglicized form of Ó Ruadháin meaning "descendent of RUADHÁN".
- Means "little red one", derived from Gaelic ruadh "red" combined with a diminutive suffix.
- This name can also be given in reference to the rowan tree.

The Rowan, a tree of protection and insights, was known to be a tree belonging to the Faery. This tree was also believed to guard the gateway to the spirit world and its boughs often used for dowsing and deflecting spells. The Rowan is sometimes called the "Whispering Tree" and ancient legend tells that it has secrets to reveal to those who would but listen. The Rowan has been associated throughout history with protection against wickedness and is believed to be the wood which was used to engrave the Norse Runes. Its name is linked with the Norse "Runa" or "Rundall," meaning "a charm." It is also associated with the Sanskrit "Runall" meaning "magician."

The Rowan tree, whose blossoms are members of the Rose family, flowers in May. Also known as the Mountain Ash (although it is not related to the true Ashes), this tree is sometimes referred to as the "Lady of the Mountains," due to the fact that it often grows in the most inhospitable of places, though it is most frequently found in mountainous areas as well as gardens.

rowan evelyn numerology: 7, 6, 1

• destiny number 7: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating (scholar/mystic)

• soul urge number 6: huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load (builder/facilitator)

• inner dream number 1: You want to be known for your courage, daring, and original ideas (leader)

did you catch that part about the first woman being created from the rowan tree? it's so not a feminine name, but that really (surprisingly) pegs it as the "ultimate" in feminine. at least from one perspective. i love that. there are a thousand reasons why this name just fits with everything relating to the pregnancy and the impressions i get from her, but i don't think i need to go into them here. it is, however, the only name other than 'lily' that came to me via inspiration and out of nowhere. it's perfect.

so, i write this post in a good deal of anxiety over the fact that i might have to come back and delete it. but there it is.

edit 3/5/09:
matt is on board!!! i was seriously worried about him changing his mind on me, to the point that i told him i didn't even want to tell him my decision... he got kinda pissy about that and made me tell him, and of course the first thing he said was "i don't think that was on my top 5 list." TYPICAL! but, i dragged the crumpled paper evidence out of the trash to show him his own handwriting when we got home, and after that nothing else was said about it. to my dismay.

then a little while later i saw (looking over his shoulder at the computer) that he named our new mp3 player "rowan's"--that means he's in! i was so, so happy to see that. he must have read my email about it in the meantime and decided i was right...

*shakes head* matt and his weird little subtle non-communications.

a while ago i posted this:

WOW. i don't know why it never occurred to me, but why the hell shouldn't you try to keep your baby diaper free? apparently there is a whole method for essentially potty-training infants to go over a bowl or the toilet (of course you have to get them there in time). just think of the water and hassle that would save, not having to wash diapers... i am definitely going to try that. this whole childcare thing literally seems to get easier the more i read. why on earth have we made this process so built-up and complicated? so full of useless stuff and gadgets and disposable necessities? it's madness i tell you.

and i am now seriously reading up on "elimination communication" because i am convinced i want to try this. think about it: we teach our babies that they are expected to soil themselves and sit in it until convenience allows us to change them... and then, abruptly, around 2-3 years old we expect them suddenly to understand that is a bad thing to do? huh?!

nope, everything i'm reading tells me that we instinctively do not want to soil ourselves. i know i didn't, as a baby (according to my mom). so why not give my baby the opportunity to stay clean by offering a better place to go than her pants, and thus also avoiding confusion later?

the beauty of this idea is that ultimately it is not about having a non-diaper-wearing baby; it's about communication, awareness, and meeting your child's instinctive needs, as well as vastly reducing the amount of hassle/expense/whatever from using diapers. i'd rather wash 5 diapers from "accidents" when i fail to catch her signals than 18 because i let her wallow in filth 24/7. also in developing your own awareness of the baby's bodily functions--and signaling them with a sound--helps them develop their own awareness of the same functions. supposedly babies are born with the awareness of elimination acts (and instinctively try to avoid doing it on themselves, hence "he peed as soon as i took the diaper off!"), but through conditioning via wearing diapers for 3 years, they lose the ability to recognize their own urges. they can just go anywhere, anytime, so why spend attention on it? it happens and they don't even realize it, let alone control it.

it sounds crazy but i really recommend reading up on it... it seems to work universally. and btw 85% of babies in the world do not wear diapers, so this isn't some crazy new-age idea... it just takes attention, patience, and some amount of tolerance for not getting it right 100% of the time.

(as for the idea of having to be totally in-tune with baby and reading subtle signals that she may have to go--well, i always know what my cat wants or is trying to say, and she's a cat. i can read her like a book. i would expect much more from a human child, especially considering she will be made of half my DNA... intuition may serve us well here!)

anyway, i see nothing wrong with having her in diapers as a "backup plan" to avoid messes while focusing primarily on EC. should be interesting!

some resources:

tribal baby.org - nappy-free (site)

mothering.com - elimination communication (forum)

the diaper-free baby (book)

i have been meaning to pick up some rescue remedy for a while now--i have the occasional emotional breakdown where i just can't control myself (it's the hormones) and i'm thinking it might help. anyway i just went to the main bach flower site and found that rescue remedy and walnut are good for labor:

Walnut

"For those who have definite ideals and ambitions in life and are fulfilling them, but on rare occasions are tempted to be led away from their own ideas, aims and work by the enthusiasm convictions or strong opinions of others. The remedy gives constancy and protection from outside influences."

Rescue Remedy

• Impatiens: For those who act and think quickly, and have no patience for what they see as the slowness of others. They often prefer to work alone. Teaches empathy and understanding of and patience with others. We've found it very fast-acting in alleviating an impatient attitude and lowering stress.
• Star of Bethlehem: For trauma and shock, whether experienced recently or in the past. Teaches the ability to recover from traumas and to integrate them into the present life.
• Cherry Plum: For those who fear losing control of their thoughts and actions and doing things they know are bad for them or which they consider wrong. Teaches trust in one's spontaneous wisdom and the courage to follow one's path.
• Rock Rose: For situations in which one experiences panic or terror.
• Clematis: For those who find their lives unhappy and withdraw into fantasy worlds. They are ungrounded and indifferent to the details of everyday life. Teaches one to establish a bridge between the physical world and the world of ideas; may foster great creativity. Is also used to bring clarity and alertness to the present moment.

These combinations of Bach Flower Remedies that is especially beneficial when you find yourself in traumatic situations, such as, stress, emergencies, after getting bad news, before an exam or job interview and all other kind of situations where we suddenly lose balance mentally. The Remedies quickly get us back in our normal balance so that we calmly can deal with any situation.

i find it pretty interesting that he recommends walnut--it seems like the perfect thing, to me, but how unusual that protecting against "outside influences" trump things like pain relief, calm, anxiety help, etc. pretty cool.

anyway. that's all i had to say about that.

matt gave me his final 'top 5' name choices, so i am working on deciding them as we speak--i expect to have a name in the next day or so (though honestly i think i already have it).

yay!