september mama

i've been noticing that my vocal chords seem more relaxed and that my voice has even--possibly--gotten a little better. so i googled "singing voice pregnant" and found this article which i quite enjoyed.

i have had a very strong urge to sing since i wrote that post about lullabies however long ago, but it wasn't until today that i noticed little girly actually responds to my singing. i can feel her move really slowly (like rolling or floating) when i sing, versus if i stop she'll make more jarring movements (like jabs and kicks). this is all really fun and interesting to me.

i have a confession though, that i feel absolutely awful about. i have been intending to play the piano religiously "as soon as i have time" partly for the endorphins it raises in me, and partly for her benefit... but i haven't at all. it's horrible. but then i wonder if getting her used to the totally out-of-tune pitch of my piano would throw her off... i want to encourage good pitch, not train her to recognize off-key tones! lol. so then i wonder if it isn't better NOT to play. but i could always play my guitar, really. no excuse for that one.

i listen to so much music though, and i sing to most of it too, so i'm hoping that makes up for something. i figure there is no way she won't be a music addict anyway, considering both matt and i are obsessed with it and possess reasonable capabilities to produce it as well. the only toys i have on her registry that aren't musical are a set of blocks (which could arguably be used to bang together)!

i decided today that i am going to make her a "welcome home" CD with all the soothing music i have listened to through the pregnancy... maybe it will help keep her calm and feeling safe.

also: i think we *might* have settled on a name. gods, i hope so! this one feels right and the numerology is perfect...

hahahaha she has the hiccups! i wouldn't have imagined what that would feel like, but it's a funny little "flick" in perfect rhythm over and over again, almost like a slow heartbeat coming out of my belly.

now that i realize what it is i think i've been feeling it now and then... so far this episode has lasted about 10 minutes. so funny.

by the way i think i have been getting these every few days or so, usually only one, and less than 30 seconds each. it seems most common when i am walking quickly though, so it might just be a regular muscle cramp.

i will curse myself for saying this, but if that is a taste of what labor has in store, i am not worried at all. it's different than a menstrual cramp, but i can see why some people equate them. for me menstrual cramps (aka torture) are like my insides being run through a meat grinder...it weakens my whole body with agony from the crunching, ripping, twisting sensations. this was like my uterus was tightening with a little bit of strain; a more acute feeling but not what i would call pain. so much more benign. even if they get a million times worse i don't see contractions matching the hell i go through every month. that's comforting.

if i tap into the right wavelength when it floats by i can leave this plane of misery and exist on the plane of life is perfect and you get what you ask for so just enjoy the bliss and chill the fuck out!

which is apparently where i just landed. instantaneous transmogrification. WTF?!

HORMONES SUCK. i am a mess over standard daily life stuff that hasn't changed in years... but all of a sudden i'm losing it.

once, a few years back, i ate some mushrooms when i was home alone and found out pretty quickly that all the things i thought i was ok with in my life--normal stuff--were actually tragic failures and i found myself literally moments away from slitting my wrists. i actually called my mom to try to have her talk me down, since i knew i didn't really want to do it but i felt like there was no choice and i was fundamentally fucked up and would never sort things out. funny enough, instead of what i expected her to say, she basically said "well yeah, why do let things get like this?" and totally validated my despair. it was a bad day.

i kinda feel like that now. as if everything has totally spiraled out of my control while i wasn't paying attention and my world is lying in shambles around me. of course it's (mostly) not true, but it certainly FEELS that way.

i can tell (because i know myself and my body and its ways) that most of my problems are artificially exaggerated as a result of too many hormones in my body, but there is just enough truth to the frustration/sadness/anger/whatever that i also can't ignore it. just because my reaction to it is inflated doesn't mean it isn't really an issue. (tangent: i just thought "just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there" (radiohead) and wondered if that could be equally true.)

i'm not really sure how i am going to make it through today at work. i'm constantly fighting tears.

for some reason i just don't have that much to say about pregnancy these days. i guess i'm used to all the strange things my body does, and since i've read as much as i can stomach (and it's almost over) i think i've just come to a point of peace about the whole thing. it's weird, at the beginning it feels like it will never end, but now i see very clearly what a transitory period pregnancy really is. there's only so much you can accomplish in such a short time.

i definitely have read all i can read though. i keep trying to pick up the last few books i still have checked-out, and i just can't do it. i'm actually kind of not interested... it's not that i'm not into birth or pregnancy--i'm considering teaching childbirth education at some point--but maybe i've just reached a point where i have learned everything i can learn without going through it myself.

i'm ready for the birth, too. the only thing holding me back mentally is that i never get to actually talk to matt, and there are things we need to discuss relating to my vision and his vision for this birth, and work out the logistics of what is going to happen on the day of. he's stressed and busy as hell though, and it's not really a subject he is excited to talk about so it's pretty much impossible to find a good time for it. i'm frustrated that we never get to just sit down and chat without 10 distractions. but that is another story.

this little nameless girl is doing well, though. she's a regular thumper most days, and she's clearly growing. i'm huge. i can't wear ANY of my pants anymore.

the ladies at work are going to throw me and my friend a joint shower later this month, so that will be fun(?) i think. getting out of work for a bit to open presents? sure! haha. my "actual" (non-)shower will be in march, though. i'm sorting out the final details now; i do know that it will be nothing like the traditional find-the-poopie-diaper-game-playing events... i'd rather have my eyelashes plucked than sit through another one of those parties! no offense to anyone who likes them. it's just not my thing. so i am planning a non-baby-focused "woman gathering," the goal of which is to gather support and inspiration for birth from other women and hopefully to help them reconnect with their own mothers and/or daughters in a pleasant, mimosa-laden, henna-having environment. yes, it's pretty hippie-ish but it won't be totally flaky. i promise. oh and you are all invited.

anyway, that's about all i have to say... 28 week appt next week, should be fun. we'll see how they react to my rejection of rhogam and the diabetes test all in one blow. *sigh*