september mama

more weight loss discussion

2012-01-31T10:30:00.004-05:00

i think i mentioned i started watching some workout videos on netflix..? well, the one i'm going with for the long haul is awesome, if gimmicky. "10-minute solutions" carb killer or something like that; it's 50-minutes broken into super-intense 10-min segments with tons of jumping around and squats. she does a quick warm up, then right into fast and furious burn, then another 30-sec cool down. on to the next segment.

i thought it would be worth a try just because my time is often short and i hate the drawn-out blabbing in most videos, but as it turns out, i totally love it for the intensity and the amount of energy i have afterwards. she doesn't chat it up or waste time with long warm-ups and stretching, and by the time one segment is over i am so hyped up i want to do another. my energy level is staying high consistently too, which is awesome because i've been really tired in general most of the time. not so anymore.

i had heard that in order to truly make any metabolic difference, one has to work out for at least 20 minutes, but it turns out that's not true at all.

research shows (forgive the source):

While most experts keep telling us we need to exercise longer if we want to lose weight—we're supposed to exercise 60 to 90 minutes a day just to maintain weight loss—a fast-growing body of research indicates that intensity, not duration, is really the missing piece in our fitness puzzle:
Last December, Canadian researchers reported that just two weeks of interval training boosted women's ability to burn fat during exercise by 36 percent.

Levels of human growth hormone—which assists in building muscle and eliminating fat—skyrocketed 530 percent in subjects after just 30 seconds of sprinting as fast as they could on a stationary bike, according to a British study.

Australian fitness researchers had 18 women perform 20 minutes of interval training on a stationary bike—eight-second sprints followed by 12 seconds of recovery throughout the workout, three days a week. The women lost an average of five and a half pounds over 15 weeks without dieting, while a similar group performing 40 minutes of moderate cycling three days a week actually gained a pound of fat over the same period. Two of the heavier women who did intervals dropped 18 pounds.

interval training is my new best friend.

in other news, we are converting back to farmer's market shopping for fruits and veggies as of this week. we were growing so much of our own, then when the garden was finished last season we sort of fell back to the usual (and loathesome) winn-dixie... but i've been going to publix again because it is a MILLION TIMES BETTER... but still not necessarily local. and given that i eat 90% of my diet in fresh fruit and vegetables, we need to get those things from our community, if not from our backyard. it's cheaper, fresher, and all the good things about giving back to the local economy and farms. i'm pretty excited to take the kids out - apparently there is a bounce house on location, haha.

my batch of chicks is fully grown now; the "babies" officially started laying just the other day. so we should be swimming in eggs sometime over the next month, which is both awesome and worrying (because i have to find uses for them). i am crossing my fingers that at least one of the hens goes broody so we can get a production cycle going and actually "harvest" some chickens every few months, but we'll see. our ducks are sitting on a nest right now, due to hatch around feb 22 or so. that should be fun again! :)

i love having a little farmette...

long lag

2012-01-30T15:32:00.002-05:00

it's been a long time since posting! i'm always, always busy at work... but i like it here, so it's ok. i'm stealing time right now...

the kids are ridiculously grown-up. liam walks/runs/climbs everything, and he loves to dance. and play dress up. anything he can wear around his neck, his arm, or his head makes him literally prance around (it's so cute). i caught him a few weeks ago standing in front of their play kitchen with a shiny pink necklace on, holding a baby against his ear, stirring a pot on the "stove." he's going to make some woman verrrry happy one day, lol.

he's still not talking very well, but he is trying. he manages a few words clearly, but the rest is either garbled nonsense or "eh, EH." oh, and i gave him his first haircut last week... i've been torn because his pretty little curls were very girly, and i felt like he is too boyish for that. so i cut it into a sort of longish mo/faux-hawk with a tail at the end, because i just couldn't bear to cut off ALL the curls. so he looks a little bit like a redneck boy from the mid-eighties :). infant innocence has fully given way to mischievous BOY. alas, all with a few snips... i almost cried the whole next day over it.

rowan is little-miss-not-a-little-girl. i swear that kid is a grown up in a munchkin body 90% of the time. she's just so smart, and so with it, and she comes up with the craziest things. her imagination is a little bit out of control, in fact, but she got that honestly. she's counting objects these days, which is neat, and she can sound out many letters and recognize a couple of words. we went to her first movie a few weeks ago (beauty and the beast 3D), which was exciting for her. she didn't wear the glasses for most of it, but she stuck through the entire showing.

i have been making very good progress on my attempts at reducing the size of my ass (and thighs, and waist, and arms...). right around jan 1--by coincidence ONLY--i reformed my eating habits basically back to eating raw, without being too strict about that aspect of it. i'm counting calories extremely closely, however, and just this last week have started doing some silly online workout videos a few nights a week. sunday, i ran 2 miles. it feels great, and today i am ecstatic to say that i am comfortably wearing pants that were too tight 3 weeks ago. *happy sigh* i've lost several inches, overall, from various parts of my body. now i just need to work on toning and upping the metabolism. desk jobs are hard :P.

i managed to write a paper on the topic of unassisted birth for a forestry class i am taking... i thought that was a pretty big achievement, haha. something about behavior changes adopted in the past 5 years. it fit, so i used it.

i have to do work now, but i need to post some pics of the kids, especially liam's new haircut.

all good things must come to an end

2011-10-13T08:07:00.002-04:00

my days of being a pixie girl are numbered, it seems. last night matt officially requested that i stop cutting my hair because i'm "starting to look like a boy." (he's such a jerk sometimes, lol.)

while i strongly disagree with him--in fact, i feel quite a bit more feminine b/c i'm paying more attention to my face and accessories--i also want him to think i look cute so i will most likely comply with his request. as much as i love having super-short hair.

in a way, though, this opens new possibilities... i have never been an in-between-length kinda girl; i tend towards extremes; but now i think i will play around with style in the neck to shoulder length area for a while. all sorts of funky cuts. and colors. *mischievous grin*

anyway: another stupid hair post. whatever.

if wishes were horses, beggars would ride

2011-10-03T09:19:00.002-04:00

nonetheless, i wish that i had a little elf to sit in my ear canal and play a tiny banjo or mandolin so that i could listen to it all the time and no one else would know.

seasonal emotions

2011-09-30T15:11:00.003-04:00

every year, just when the weather starts to change from summer to fall--those first days where you can feel the autumn in the air--i begin to lose myself.

i feel sad. not on the level of "oh, hey, i'm sad about [x]." i just have a deep, vague, unassociated sense of loss... of nostalgia for something i can't put my finger on... it's an apparently natural emotional reaction to the season that is out of my control, but somehow my behavior serves to exacerbate it despite my discomfort with the feelings. i find myself listening to music that makes me feel things long gone, dwelling on things or people i miss, etc. vicious cycle.

the odd thing is that along with the sorrow, i find myself extremely sensitive and vulnerable to affection. fall is the danger-time in terms of attraction to people (even fleetingly and superficially). of course, i will never act on it, but i am aware that i'm weak when this time of year rolls around.

so today, on a beautiful, warm, but autumn-tinged 30th birthday, i am just a thin veil away from a flood of tears. not bawling or justifiable tears; more like a persistent wateryness of longing for who-knows-what. something i don't have, or can't have, or lost somewhere along the way. (but what????)

no, i know what. don't i? but my sense is that i had this feeling even before then, and it has simply been amplified since and now reflects itself back upon that time period...

whatthefuckever, i'm just trying to say i feel kind of depressed, but with a sweet-memory sense lingering inside it. sigh. i wanted a happy birthday.

the birthday month

2011-09-28T11:12:00.004-04:00

there are something like 15 birthdays in my close friend/family circle during september. it's nuts.

...and tomorrow liam will be a year old! friday, i will be 30. t h i r t y . whew.

but back to liam. it's been a while since i updated on his shenanigans:
- he has 9 or 10 teeth
- he tries to repeat just about everything he hears an adult say, but he's slow with actual words; he can say "cat," "dog" (more on that later), "mama," "dad," "nap," "nightnight," and he kinda says "brush" and "flower"
- he has mastered balancing on his own feet, as long as he has help getting there. he pulls up, then lets go of his support and gets really proud of himself before he plops onto his bum. it's cute.
- he's learning to eat with a fork all by himself and is really great with a regular cup (though i don't let him have one because he WILL throw it after 2 minutes)
- he tries to feed rowan's baby dolls with toy bottles/spoons and loves to give them hugs and say 'ahhhh'
- he lets me brush his teeth without any argument
- he still goes to bed like an angel without any fuss, and if he does have trouble falling asleep, i hold him for 3 minutes, he puts his head on my shoulder to cuddle, and then squirms to get back in bed. he's so awesome.
- he's very coordinated and manually dexterous, he can work fussy toys and do small stacking tasks and things like that. he's also capable of climbing/hoisting himself up on things that i would not expect him to tackle, which is slightly alarming.
- he's starting to get really into books and will yell for me to read and point to the pictures
- he loves wearing hats/crowns and putting them on and off other people's heads.

so that's liam most of the time. rowan is the size of a 3-4 year old and she's not quite 2.5 - no one believes her age. her speech is better than most 3 year olds i have encountered, too, which is interesting. they're both doing great with the new nanny though for various reasons i will not get into, she may not end up staying with us.

we are planning a very small, no big deal party for liam this weekend. i knitted him a totally awesome monster (will post pics after i sew his arms and legs on). i am hoping that in the bustle my own birthday will not be completely overlooked...

i'm actually pretty depressed about it. matt has to work, his mom will be in town (therefore no crazy late-night marital fun when he gets off work), and even if i manage to round up a few friends to go dancing with, it would be disappointing for matt not to be there to have fun with me. call me crazy for wanting him to be a part of my officially-a-grownup-birthday-milestone.

what's worse, i have been really explicit about wanting to make a big deal of it, but somehow i don't think my point was got. i fully expect to have the most unacknowledged, crappy, non-event birthday of this decade. i'm not excited. in fact, i'm feeling really lame and miserable about it in anticipation of the huge let down that i know it will be. :(

i'm already bitter. if matt doesn't at least make me feel really loved/special/yay, even if we don't do anything fun, he's going to be on my shit list for the foreseeable future. i really don't want that.

in other news, we got a puppy. a cute, sweet, super young little stray who ended up in my parents' driveway one morning last week. she's some kind of cur/boxer/shepherd mutt and we named her juno. pics soon. she's going to be a big dog, i think. the problem right now is that she really, really likes to be in the house but i refuse to have an indoor dog... thankfully she's young and impressionable. but matt may turn out to be an obstacle in training her to live outside.

ducklings should be hatching under their mamas any day now, and my 26ish little chickies are growing up. they are officially allowed out of their enclosure and a couple of them were literally trying to eat my ankles last night - never been so painfully pecked before! little crapheads. they like me, which is why they were bold enough to get so close, but for some reason the veins on the top of my feet must have looked really tasty because on of the hens pinched me hard (more than once). anyway, they're cute. my little ameraucaunas are adorable with their fluffy cheeks... i love them.

blah. i just keep thinking about how much my birthday is going to suck. i guess i will get back to work.

old friends

2011-09-03T21:12:00.003-04:00

today i rode my horse (spirit, 'espirit') for the first time in at least 3 years. she's 22 now, but still as gorgeous and fit and spunky as she was 18 years ago when we bought her from an acquaintance of mine. my parents have been kind enough to keep her even though she spends most of her time in the pasture lately, as my sister and i have been busy making babies and unable to ride until recently. she's always had a reputation--among everyone except me, my mom, and my sister--for being crazy and difficult to handle, but the fact is you just have to know her and her little quirks to deal with her. and you have to be confident enough to bluff if you don't. she's a really sweet horse most of the time, but she does have moods now and then and has been known to rear and buck for no apparent reason :). i've learned over many years how to anticipate that kind of behavior and balance my body to survive it, so it's no big deal anymore.

i went out with two of my cousins, which was also nice, and feel like i want to get back into a regular habit of taking spirit out. i had forgotten how meditative it is to ride... when i was in middle and high school, i would spend hours on her just meandering around where we lived, thinking/not thinking and having peaceful alone time. i used to talk to her a lot. there is something really spiritual and zen-like in the trust bond between horse and rider that allows one to blank-out and go with the flow out in the open. (when you think about it, it's nuts--getting on the back of a large beast weighing about a ton with a mind of its own and just a tiny bit of metal in its mouth for control! who the fck wants to do that?? ha.) i had missed that.

i've been thinking for a while now that i would like to be much more involved with horses in general... i was a "barn girl" my whole life and there has been a hole in my life for a long time as a result of my distance from that side of myself. there are two smells in this world that make me think of "home" in the most fundamental sense: the scents of the swampy florida keys ocean, and of a well-used horse barn. i want a couple of horses and a stable. i'm interested in training young horses, when i get my own ass in shape. i want my kids to grow up around horses and know how to handle them. they are beautiful and wonderful animals and i think knowing horses can make us better people.

i wish i had a photo of spirit to share... i will have to take one. anyway, despite the sunburn i acquired, i'm looking forward to many more rides in the near future.

resolute

2011-09-02T21:44:00.002-04:00

i am so sick of snide "fat" comments that i've actually been pushed into doing something about it just to shut my dear husband up.

so i'm resolved to eat primarily raw food (with the exception of yogurt) 5 days a week, and on our equivalent of weekends, i'll pack in the protein. i read somewhere that humans work better with alternating protein and plant foods over several day spans rather than eating them at the same time. anyway i don't really want meat anymore, so that's good for me.

i've also committed to exercising 5 nights a week. something, anything, for 30 minutes or more.

i'm not really whining about trying to lose weight, but i'm annoyed at what finally got me to work on it. i only need to lose 10lbs or so, but i definitely need to tone up. going raw always made me thin out and feel amazing before, so it seems like the most obvious way to begin the process. here we go...

dinner discussion

2011-08-25T14:08:00.001-04:00

"i don't wanna eat grabiolies!"

(translation: "mom, that ravioli clearly contains meat and you are NOT tricking me into eating anything slathered with tomato sauce. nice try.")

just life, nothing much

2011-08-15T10:13:00.003-04:00

so i haven't even started my new job yet, and i'm already privy to some mini-dramas/conflict. and i thought i was escaping all that... ! really though, it just boils down to one very cranky woman in a position of not-that-much relevance to anyone else. so it shouldn't affect me often.

related to this, i HEART our amazing IT woman. yes, our IT guy is a woman. woot! she's sharp, witty, personable, and totally adept at her job. we are already friends :).

i haven't posted about animals lately because i haven't had much to say, but we've had some things going on that are worth mentioning. first, my mail-order chickies are growing fast! they're so cute and bouncy, and will shortly be outgrowing the cage i have them in. my three incubated hatchlings are slightly older and are also doing well. james brought me a rooster and hen yesterday who are about full-grown, and i have the two adolescent survivors out of the batch of sick chicks i bought back in march(?). i also have an incubator full of viable pre-chicks! i candled a few of them the other day and i saw kicking fetuses in every one i randomly picked up. so in a few days i will have some brand new hatchlings, totaling my chicken count to something like 40. holy crap.

the problem right now--since we caught the raccoon, fucker--is our ducks. they are BIG, and very, um, reproductively aggressive, which is going to be a serious problem. they attacked our new rooster yesterday, confused as to his sex, and i had to literally grab the ducks and throw them out of the coop to keep them from hurting him. and he was full-grown, much unlike the rest of my flock! i don't really know what to do about this except find a way to confine the ducks and/or get rid of them. i'm not really a fan anyway, but they are matt's project so i will leave it to him to deal with their shenanigans. all i know is if they hurt/maim/kill my chickens they are going in the oven. stat. at least one of the duck hens finally laid an egg the other day (which was promptly eaten by, i presume, crows).

matt is working with a tattoo artist to design a full sleeve for himself, which both makes me happy for him and slightly (so slightly) jealous. i've been toying with the idea of extending my own half-sleeve since i got it, and i know just how i would do it, but i am hesitating due to career issues. more than likely it would never be an issue, but then again, you never know... and i do NOT want to have to wear long-sleeves every day in florida heat. so we'll see. i need to find something spectacular to do for my bigthreeoh birthday, though, and that technically qualifies. :)

the munchkins are lovely, as always, and totally embracing their new caregiver and her kids. i come home and they are happy, rested, fed, and usually playing very intently. it's great. then i get to spend bath time with them and hang out for a little bit before they go to bed at their new, later, bedtime (about 630, lol). rowan has learned how to operate door knobs and greeted me at my bedside the other morning, declaring "i'm awake!" uggggh. so it's time to get those little childproof door knob cover things. i can't have her running around the house while we sleep, or worse, deciding to go outside on her own. liam has mastered the walker and is so funny as he runs through the house with his arms held out, propelled in a nearly-uncontrolled fashion by legs that are just starting to cooperate. he's going to be walking really soon.

oh, totally random product review: tom's of maine unscented deodorant (aluminum free) is awesome!! i usually use the lavender stuff that i bought a few years ago, but it doesn't really work over more than a few hours, but this stuff ROCKS. it says "24 hour" and it is. i don't have much of an issue with stink, thankfully, but what little there is has been quashed by this stuff. love.

i need to buy a bunch of cardigans and some prints for my office, but i have to wait for the monies :(.

results

2011-08-13T21:31:00.003-04:00

i think i am satisfied now--i.e., i won't need to keep writing about hair for a little while, at least. i can move on to other things because i love how the bleach experiment turned out!

voyez:

quite liking the gold-tones

see the little hiding bright bits in there? yay!

these photos also serve to mitigate the uber-masculine vibe given off by the last pics i posted... it's much more feminine with the highlights and also with my bangs brushed gently aside rather than forced over.

end transmission.

it's official

2011-08-12T20:19:00.006-04:00

this girl is my hair idol. normally i would feel awkward and/or guilty over blatantly stealing someone else's hairstyle, but since she lives in NYC and is in a much cooler reality than i am, i don't. i've got some foils in my hair bleaching the fun in as i write this.

like my retarded star?

my hair is not as dark as hers and i'm doing a significantly smaller chunk (to start with?!), so it should be a more subtle effect, which suits me better. i basically cut off all my sun highlights when i hacked off the length, so i am left with a duller, more solid color than i am used to and i've been wanting to perk it up a bit... this will do it! just in time for the new job next week :).

by the way, this is the final cut (until next time)... i'll have to take post-highlight pics later. see what i mean about dull? i have a lot of red that you can't see in that light, but it's still very boring and uniform...

matt says i look like a lesbian. so what if i do?! :P

remembrance

2011-08-12T12:32:00.005-04:00

amid all the bustle of rowan's birth back in 09, i never really got to address the death of my grandmother in journal format. something in me is needing to do it now.

my grandmother, evelyn joanne, for whom rowan was named, was the matriarch of our large and close family. she was the center of our collective universe. warm, spunky, open, and multi-talented in art, gardening, video games, and crafts... she was never disagreeable to anyone but her husband, and that mostly in jest. you couldn't fool her to save your life--she was too observant, too quick, and too full of common sense. she was also beautiful, even just before she died after being long-ill with COPD. my grandmother was the one person any of us--her 4 children, plus 3 by marriage, and 9 grandchildren--could talk to without any fear of judgment, anger, or anything but love and acceptance. she was the most amazing woman i have ever known.

her death was impossibly hard on all of us... there is really no way to describe the barren, lost, and sorrowful feeling that we have all come to live with. my mother still struggles daily. i know that her loss is greater than mine when i think about what it will someday be like to lose her; i don't know what i will do. a mother is a figure of unspeakable importance that i did not truly understand until my own lost hers.

she has been telling me lately, through tears, that i look just like my grandmother; maybe that is where this is coming from. i see what she means, but in truth i am only a pale shadow of her sparkling self. i am privileged to have inherited pieces of her jewelry, some of her clothes, and other random things from her life, and when i wear them (which i do), i am proud. it makes me feel closer to her... i sometimes think i can feel her nearby... i get the sense that she has peeked into my life and is nodding with loving approval. it is a rare comfort, but welcome.

it makes me so sad that she never knew about kai, or liam, or aria... she held rowan once, literally on her deathbed, and it was a moment unlike any i have ever witnessed. a frustrated, crying infant of 3 weeks going silent and peaceful at the touch of her great-gradmother's fragile, shaking hands. they looked in each other's eyes for a long time, gazing through four generations of first-born women. we all watched, amazed at rowan's obvious enthrallment with a putative stranger. there was a photo of this amazing moment on my dad's cell phone, until my mom accidentally put it through the wash... needless to say, she was more devastated than anyone over it.

i have regret, also, which my mother shares. in her last year or so, my grandmother had changed; whether it was a result of the medications she was on, or the illness itself, or the anxiety that accompanied it, she was not herself. she was constantly fearful, depressed, slightly confused, and often angry... she obsessed over things, and repeated conversations too many times, and was just not the same person that i had always known. because of this, she was frustrating to be around, and i let that get in the way of spending more time with her. i let myself be angry with her for changing. my mother did too (we talked about it while it was happening). now, i think back and just wish i would have ignored it, given her more love, and been there in any way i could have for her. it's not entirely true, but i have a very clear memory of throwing attitude and open frustration at her at my baby shower for rowan, and that has stuck with me so strongly and hurts so much. i was short with her and annoyed by her confusion and i hate myself for that. it wasn't the last time i saw her, but it might as well have been... the next times were while she was in hospice, deciding to die. i hate myself for being anything less than caring with her.

it is hard to lose anyone, but in this case our family has lost the greater part of its glue. we still gather every holiday and see each other at random intervals--we are all essentially neighbors--but there is always a palpable absence. a hole. my mother has taken on the administrative role of matriarch, and does a good enough job, but she can never and will never try to be a true substitute for her mother. my mom is guarded, somewhat judgmental, and not unconditionally warm; my grandmother was the opposite. i miss her so much. we all do.

of all the things i have wished for in my life, i wish the most that my grandmother could see my children and be part of their lives. i wish that every single day.

i hope she can hear me.

it's wednesday.

2011-08-10T12:45:00.004-04:00

note to self: subway fucking SUCKS! don't buy it. even if it is the only place to get food on campus during break week... you'd rather be hungry. stale bread+weak toppings+poorly structured sandwich=suck.

ugh, my eyes are bleeding from staring at the same annoying document all day. and all day yesterday. and i can look forward to doing another one on friday! i am rather looking forward to a day off tomorrow, even if it does mean doing chores.

at the risk of rambling on and boring even myself, let's talk more about new hair. this cut i created is lending itself most ideally to the kind of styles i have never done before--choppy, edgy, jagged, and brushed forward. it feels a little weird when i look in the mirror, because while i like it, i don't see it as "my" style (yet?). i need to work on the cut so i can pull off something a little more romantic and effortless, as despite the numerous visible tattoos on my body, i don't really consider myself "edgy." i think i am going to shorten the crown section (esp around the forehead/bangs) and let the rest grow a bit to more closely approximate the pic in the post below. i do love her hair. now that i think about it, her hair is actually a reallreallyreally subtle
mullet. HA! and so i revisit the days of my youth.*

"with short hair you begin to crave pearl necklaces, long earrings, and a variety of sunglasses. and you brush your teeth more often. short hair removes obvious femininity and replaces it with style...short hair makes you aware of subtraction as style. you can no longer wear puffed sleeves or ruffles [says who?!]; the neat is suddenly preferable to the fussy. you eye the tweezers instead of the blusher. what else can you take away? you can't hide behind short hair... you may look a little androgynous, a little unfinished, a little bare... but your face is no longer a flat screen surrounded by a curtain: the world sees you in three dimensions."
- joan juliet buck for american vogue, c.1988

i have to argue with the "unfinished" bit, and forgive slightly outdated sensibilities in general (she was writing in 1988!) but otherwise YES. the first thing i did when i cut off my hair was sit down and really edit/shape/polish my eyebrows... of all random things. and i am learning that earrings are an awesome, uber-feminine accessory for me. as are cardigans, which i can never have enough of... anyway.

the devil can take subway, but at least i got a dr. pepper out of it. mmm fountain soda!

*in first grade, i begged and begged my mom to let me have "spiked hair" and she did. so at 6 years old i had a spike-top mullet (which i styled carefully every day) with long hair everywhere else. there are photos. they are funny.

hair lust

2011-08-09T14:00:00.002-04:00

i want this hair! now!!

*drool*

seriously. this chick has a whole crazy flickr album of great hair (all hers). jackpot! :D

i think my length might even be right for it, so i may whip out the scissors yet again...

i am really, really, really enjoying the pixie cut thing. i almost want to say "i'm never going back..." to long hair, but we have learned that 'never' is not an honest word. so: maybe i'm never going back.

strange asides (pic heavy)

2011-08-06T21:25:00.010-04:00

some good(?) things have come out of this new-job-preparation state i find myself in. i almost feel a sort of mild nesting impulse, if you can imagine that.

the first thing: terrariums. (yes, that is grammatically correct.) oh. my. word. they are addictive! i realized that because my office has no windows, and less because i work in forestry, i definitely need some plants in my space. but the no-windows thing sort of poses a problem, no? enter MOSS. velvety, otherworldly green, beautiful, beautiful moss. it happens to love shade. so i found a nice little DIY kit on etsy and ordered it for myself. i have a slight obsession with containers--boxes, jars, bottles, etc--so i happened to have a stash of suitable terrarium enclosures on hand... then i went outside into the woods and gathered up rocks, lichen/mushroom-covered branches, and forest trinkets, and last night i assembled it all together into the most amazing, wonderful, dreamy little ecosystems i have ever seen. i am in love. i just want to stare at the moss and shrink myself so i can live inside the jars and roll around on it. (incidentally, i am positive i was a dryad in a previous lifetime...) here's a few pics, but trust me when i tell you they do NOT do justice to these magnificent specimens.

jar (above and below) is about 10" diameter - big!

i thought the quartz was a nice touch

the mini. it has a little stick with lichen growing on it :)

next, and quite clearly related, is plants. every now and then i get really gung-ho about plants. i love them all the time, but sometimes i want to surround myself with them more than others. right now, when i think about my office, i imagine lots of plants. (sort of related: today i was reading a blog about how to "zen" your office, and it was very big on removing clutter, photos, art, etc to create a very bare japanese-style atmosphere, and as much as a clutter-free space appeals to me, i just kept thinking "well... no." i'm going for cozy and personality-infused, which for me is a somewhat eclectic and a lot whimsical. i have plans to buy 6 amazing prints from an etsy artist, as well as showcasing at least one of matt's pieces and sporting pics of the kids on my desk. take that, zen!) so i did some research on low-light/indoor happy plants, and found that my favorite little creeper ivy, hedera helix, is a very indoor-friendly plant. then i realized i was going to have to pay a silly amount of money for one, so i immediately vowed that my budget for non-moss plants is $0. and promptly scored some for free thanks to my mom's keen powers of observation and willingness to borrow ("propagate") local landscaping. she also shared a few other plants with me, some pothos and a rose cactus. i dug around in the woods and found a really neat rotting bit of oak that had nice little nooks to perfectly fit a few tendrils of ivy, and i am hoping they like their new home and make me proud.

there's a little bit of orchid/bromeliad stuffed in the end too, but i'm not sure it is alive.

then come the hair revisions. i haven't mentioned this, but ever since the last cut (back in june?) i have been editing my hair without the aid of a stylist or other helper. i used to DIY hair the last time i kept it short, but that was over 5 years ago... i thought i was going to be a normal person and just make regular salon trips these days, but apparently not. so i've had a "new" haircut about once a week, making little changes and playing with the style. tonight, after a very specific inspiration, i took up the scissors in a more serious way than i have previously, and i am in love with the results. i've been toying with the prospect of a pixie cut f o r e v e r but was always a little bit hesitant, so i found myself obsessing over finding the exactly perfect cut before i would commit... which really only lead to folders-worth of pics of hairstyles clogging my computer. i stare at them, and none of them are just right, so i keep looking and wasting my time. well, as ridiculous as it is to admit this, i found my perfect hair while half-watching tv at my parents' house today: dinner for schmucks. stephanie szostak. yes! so i grabbed the scissors and here we are.

thank you, thinning shears! i don't hate you after all.

i actually cut the fringe a tad bit shorter after i took these pics.

yes, i know it's crooked. that was intentional.

did i mention that since my natural color has grown out, i've found grays?! more than i expected to see. but they seem to be... gathering... mostly in one spot near my temple/part line, so it's actually pretty cute. i have a shiny streak beginning! having short hair makes me almost want to play with dye again, but i am kind of really enjoying my natural color, grays and all. i forgot how multi-tonal and highlight-prone my hair is. anyway.

my now-ex-boss took the news pretty well. i was so afraid to read his email that i made a coworker do it first, but it basically just said 'wow that sucks but you're great and that's life' so i guess it could have been worse. i haven't actually seen him yet, though, so i am sure my guilt will have a resurgence when that happens. the good news is i will be done with the major/difficult stuff before i go, so the next person should have it pretty easy. fucker. ha.

on to the children. our new nanny seems to be a great fit, so that's a relief. i hope her kids are ok with the transition; we're taking it slow at first, but it is still a lot to adjust to a new environment and new interactions. liam has been trying very hard to say several words (kai, shoe, poop, dog, ball) and he now has 8 teeth, all of a sudden. he really does think he can swim, which is both amusing and alarming at the same time (because he can't, but tries anyway). rowan is doing fantastically well with the potty; we've progressed to pooping in it now. she only has accidents if she is tired or trying to piss me off. i don't think i mentioned rowan's first pony ride was two weeks ago... she was so into it! no fear whatsoever and she did great with balance and all that. (i may not ever have mentioned this, what with all the pregnancy and babies and whatnot, but i have been riding horses since i was 4 or 5 and got my own at age 12... it was the best thing ever. i've decided that as soon as rowan is old enough to clean a stall, she can have a pony.) of course liam was jealous and excited over the whole situation, so i let him pet one of the horses, which he kept loudly proclaiming was a "cat." haha.

so freaking cute!

and here's a pic of liam in the interest of balance:

that was a bitch to wash off

potty time and bilingual progress

2011-08-02T16:17:00.002-04:00

rowan has been doing really well with the potty, until two days ago. she decided to pee on the floor twice in a row, and then again the next day. ?! no idea.

but she watched the french babies dvd a few more times and she was counting in french all by herself, and she came up to me, pointed to the apples, and said "I need a pomme!" :D. she even tried to sing 'mary had a little lamb' in french (marie avait petit mouton, petit mouton, petit mouton) which was totally awesome. so i think we're making progress, and i barely have to do anything... i'm a little worried that the nanny won't be able or interested in keeping up (or maybe she has an atrocious accent), but i guess that comes with the territory.

i'm supposed to bring home dinner and i have no idea what to get. ugh.

a rant, or: feeling kinda better

2011-08-02T16:09:00.002-04:00

and now i appreciate my soon-to-be-had freedom from this job, even if it means twice as many hours a week. i have been doing the kind of job a robot will DEFINITELY be doing in the next 15 years or so, all. freaking. day. i'm having the soul sucked out of me.

copy+paste, then format. 1003950876 times. almost the same information, in exactly the same template. and when i'm done, i get to do it all again for a different document! holy shit.

on top of the mindlessness factor, i'm also having to edit/crop faculty CVs, which, if you know anything about faculty, can be a really touchy task. this is for a big important review and here i am, ms. knows-nothing, hacking away at their decades' worth of high-level academic experience in an effort to make it fit into two pages at 12pt Times New Roman. wow, thanks! i love having that kind of responsibility without any guidance whatsoever.

best part of all, is I ALREADY DID THIS THREE WEEKS AGO--all of it!--but someone failed to tell me back then that "oh, well we have this new template so we should probably use it..." no, they forged ahead with outdated versions not thinking that we might need to re-do all previous work in yet another insane crunch deadline, instead of just doing it right the first fucking time.

oh and by the way, THANKS for going out of town and not even letting me know, when we have this huge deadline that you still haven't given me a date for. it makes resigning really simple when i don't even have to look you in the eye. *sarcasm*

((starting to think this is an effort to make myself feel better for leaving them... at least if i'm mad i can't feel guilty, right? but it is all true nonetheless))
arrrgh!

scary sh*t

2011-08-01T19:07:00.004-04:00

well... i wasn't planning on doing this until the kids were a bit older, but an opportunity arose that i just couldn't let pass, and now i find myself preparing to start a full-time job.

fuck.

i mean, it's a really amazing situation--better than i would have dared hope for--so i really have nothing to complain about. except the kids. i am so, so, so dreading leaving them for multiple full-days each week. to the point that i almost called the whole thing off; great salary, flexible hours, cake job, and all.

they are going to let me work 4 days @ 10hrs each so that i can be home 3 days/week(!!!), after an intial let's-get-going 8 to 5 run. because matt is also a state employee, our health insurance is going to be $15 a month instead of over $200. i'll get ample vacation leave. i'll be on salary (i.e., no time clock). i'll have a closed-door office that i can decorate as i please. and yes, i will have some mental and social stimulation while doing something i am really good at and people openly appreciate me for.

but (oh the huge BUT)... this is a major sacrifice and it is scaring the hell out of me. i just tentatively hired a stranger with two kids of her own to come to my house and care for the loves of my life. without me. ((they need me! don't they?)) i know millions of mothers struggle with this every single day, and my plight is not unique, but bollocks this hurts. how does a mother leave her newborn when maternity leave ends? i cannot imagine.

i have sought counseling from the only other working mom i know, and she assures me that the time i am with them will be all the more special once i start working, because there won't be all the time that i now spend trying to do chores around them, or whatever. and that is a good point. i spend a lot of our daily time doing maintenance work for them, managing liam's mischief, making food, and trying to clean/work/whatever around them. we don't have a whole lot of really 'quality' time, other than in brief moments here and there. so i can see what she means... but still. is it better to be there more but slightly distracted or less and fully attentive? i am going to miss them so fucking much.

it will be very good for rowan to (finally!) get to play with a little girl, and she got along marvelously with both kids and immediately took to their mother, which i take as a great sign. (we interviewed one other mom+kids and rowan was NOT into them. it was obvious.) liam too, of course--he was all smiles and her kids played with him as much as with rowan. so yes, it will be good for them, and at least they will get to be comfortable and secure in their own home... but rowan is going through a mommy-withdrawal stage where she clings to me on my return and then worries--i can see it in her face--about when i will leave again. i am afraid this might subtly scar her emotionally. really.

another but: this basically means that breastfeeding will not be increasing after all. there is no way i can get my supply up working 5 days/week. i'm not even going to try. we will continue to nurse in the morning (if he's awake) and evening as long as he wants to, but i don't expect to actually provide much in the way of nutrition... though at least i can provide comfort. i will be doubly sad when that relationship ends, because now i feel like it is mostly my fault... and i'm sorry to say i expect the end is just around the corner.

i am excited about the job, i am... i'm just in a terribly depressed funk that i pray to the gods passes quickly. i'd like to say it's just hormones but the fact is this is a totally justified emotion and i am not exaggerating. women are taught to force away their maternal feelings in favor of what society expects of them, no matter how unnatural... i'm not going to do that. it's a fucked up and horrible thing to have to leave (/abandon) your children and i plan to feel it until i don't anymore.

*sob*

edited to add:
in addition to all my stress/worry/sadness over the kids, i forgot to mention that i am feeling like a total asshole with regards to my boss, who just a few weeks ago asked me pleadingly whether i was planning to stick around for a while, because "we can't do this without you." so. guilt? yes. more guilt? oh yes.

i gave my notice today (via email, while the poor guy is traveling!) and i just feel ill over it. i know they will be ok but i hatehatehate causing a ruckus and making other peoples' lives more difficult. sigh.

child-free or bust?

2011-07-27T10:53:00.003-04:00

*whistles* this one is a doozy.

many of my friends, most of whom are serious intellectuals (like, have PhDs or will soon), are child-free and intend to remain that way. i used to consider that kind of life myself, before i got pregnant. i get it.

i even agree that for people who just don't like children, knowing there are a few places in your town (or on vacation) you can go to enjoy your time sans-kids is a great thing. trust me when i say that as a parent, i KNOW how valuable some peace and quiet can be (not that i remember what that's like anymore...).

the issue is that underneath all this catering-to-the-child-free is a very nasty, ugly sentiment that says "children are not worthy." that frightens me on a level i can't really put into words. something along the lines of the motivations of pedophile priests and child abusers... the basic belief people like that MUST carry is that children are a lesser entity. i am not comfortable with that belief going mainstream. kids aren't pets and they certainly aren't second-hand smoke, so don't class them as if they are. like it or not, children are valuable, beautiful human beings and they have rights and thoughts and feelings just like you and they do, in fact, have a place in society.

as for the argument that "more and more people are choosing to remain child-free" and thus the market for anti-child policy is growing, let me suggest that what that really says is: if there are less of them than there are of us, we get the upper hand. it's ok to discriminate against minorities because they are minorities and we don't like them. wtf?! hello progress--not.

whatever you think about having kids or not, the problem is clearly not the children; it's bad parenting. (i blame bad parenting for soooo many things. it is a horrifyingly rampant problem in american society.) so rather than punish the children by exclusion, when in all likelihood they are simply emulating what they see from their parents and/or acting in whatever way is tolerated at home, how about we find constructive ways to improve the average joe's parenting abilities? or build in an embarrassment factor in places such that if your kid is a monster, you are openly asked to leave? if bad parents and their kids aren't even allowed to enter places or be around peers who would otherwise reprimand them for their (in)actions, how are they ever going to learn publicly appropriate behavior?

but i guess the intent is really just to make the breeders and their crotch-fruit stay at home and out of the sight of the first-class citizens as they go about their merry way.

the no-kids-allowed movement is spreading

birth story revisited

2011-07-27T09:38:00.003-04:00

i read liam's birth story again yesterday and it struck me as very fact-oriented and missing some critical details that i am afraid i will not remember if i don't put them in writing now. so here is an alternative viewpoint on liam's birth, from the perspective of "we know the facts, now what was it really like?"

i remember labor with him being so short--it came on fast, got really intense (but always remained bearable), and once i was in the bath it was as if time just froze for me. i was warm, comfortable minus the contractions, which were, naturally, a force to reckon with, but i never felt like i couldn't do it. with rowan, i remember being in SO MUCH pain, and despite all the "slow dancing" and ball-rocking and open-mouthed O moaning i did, i was constantly on the verge of losing it. i wasn't within myself, as i have mentioned before. with liam's labor, i was relaxed. it had just gotten dark outside and was turning rainy, but i didn't notice... i was in the dark in my bathtub, riding waves of pain and rest, pain and rest. i don't have any recollection of one contraction being worse than another, except once (i'll get into that shortly). i do remember a period of feeling like i had slept--i had no sense of time throughout all this--and then feeling the contractions change and become productive... i felt pushing before my midwife, doula, or mother arrived, but i didn't tell anyone because i was confident that he would come out safely even if i had to do it alone. i had a sense of overwhelming calm and solidity all the way down into every part of me; i was ready for the birth on all levels of my being. i just sat back and let it happen, and i know the reason i was able to do that was because i was left alone... matt checked on me every few minutes, and i had no one else there to bother me, so i could just sit and have my experience without interruption.

when debbie (midwife) and karen (doula) finally arrived, debbie came in to say hello and i had two contractions blend into one such that i was moaning for about 2 minutes straight. she mentioned that wasn't "normal" and i explained it was her fault, at which point she nodded and left the room. she returned to light a few candles and very unobtrusively lay out her supplies on the floor; i didn't even notice her. she never asked to monitor me or do a check of any kind, and i owe her for the courtesy, as i believe it would have greatly impeded my progress to be messed-with like that. i started to feel genuine pushing not long after she arrived.

pushing was unlike anything else in this world--completely terrifying and out of control--and i can easily see why women like Ina May refer to birth in terms of becoming a tigress, or a wolf, or a monkey, or whatever your beast is. i felt like an animal, roaring, mindless, and feeling only the impossible urgency of NOW, of doing, of surviving this process. liam's head emerged ever so slightly and i regained some awareness of myself, enough to reach down and feel the incredibly soft, velvety wonder of his head (i will never forget the way that felt, the downy hair on his round little head drifting in the warm water...). that was the moment it became clear what all this was really about; my baby was coming to meet me and it was really happening. the birth was happening and i hadn't failed. i started to feel proud and strong and so looked forward to the completion of my victory over fear.

no one was speaking through all of this.

a few more 'pushes' during which all i could do was try not to split in half--i know he would have been blasted out, as they say in midwife circles, if i hadn't been breathing and intensely willing liam to slow down his exit. debbie quietly encouraged me to take control and then returned to silence. i felt him emerge further until his head was fully out, and debbie confirmed with me that i would catch him, but i needed to lay back to do so because his body was going to be born with the next push. i flopped back, and she was right: a contraction and he flowed out of me into the water, into my hands, accompanied by what i recall was a lot of yelling (but am i told i did no such thing).

debbie helped me get a better hold on him amongst the rush of relief and gratitude and disbelief that i did it, that it was over, that i had a baby and a homebirth and nobody bothered me... it was very dark but i remember his shocking whiteness, his squinting eyes, his impossibly, beautifully round head, and his quiet. i think he may even have been sleeping through the birth. i held him in the water with me to keep him warm, and i laughed and cried. i remember matt looking as much in disbelief as i felt. of course my mother was crying (partly from joy and partly from sorrow at missing the actual emergence) and karen was a quiet cheerleader of my triumph. liam was small and white and seemed as shocked as i was to see him, but he didn't cry until he was wrapped in a towel and given to matt while i tried to birth the placenta and exit the tub.

the three of us got in bed, and i remember feeling some intense burning/pain in the netherparts, but otherwise great, even normal. i still hadn't birthed the placenta, but i had liam and he was thinking about nursing. it took him a little while to go for it, but once he did he seemed content. the placenta came out, we all sat and talked and took liam's measurements, and eventually i had a shower, my mom and karen left, and debbie closed up shop to go home. i think matt and i were in bed, with liam next to us in the cradle, by 130am.

the next morning when rowan woke up, she was greeted with a new brother and has loved him without hesitation ever since. i am sure she cannot remember a time when he wasn't part of her life... it is hard for me, as well.

ha! new blog love

2011-07-27T09:29:00.004-04:00

oh yes, yes! rants from mommyland is going on my bookmarks bar.

check it out (excerpted from the post linked above):

Domestic Enemies of the New Mom
...
Veteran Moms
Don't get me wrong. You Veteran Mommies are often our saving grace with your wealth of knowledge and experience. But, can I be honest with you? It seems like the further away from that first year a mom gets, the more she forgets how difficult it can be. (Probably because she's focusing on how damn hard it is to be the mother of a toddler or 5 year old or...teenager.) A VM is often the person behind the phrase "Just you wait..." And let me tell ya, VMs: that phrase is not nice and needs to be removed from everyone's vocabulary. VMs have a tendency to brush off some of our New Mom problems because they know in the end it will all be okay. And maybe it will be. But, listen, New Moms? We don't know that. And we could use a little validation here. Or at least a hug. Or a drink. Also, if one more VM tells me to "sleep when he sleeps," I. am. going. to. square. up.
...
Exhaustion/Mommy Brain
This is another universal enemy, but New Moms also struggle with the belief delusion that it will eventually go away. HA. My baby slept through the night consistently starting at once he turned 8 weeks old, but I'm still trying to make up for those 8 weeks. I'm guessing that I'll finally start to feel well-rested again around the time my son and his wife ask me to babysit their kid. Of course, by then I'll be able to consider myself a Veteran Mommy and I'll be all like, "BRING IT, KIDS."

these ladies have a wicked sense of humor and a really fun site. score!

aunt flo and madame paragard get along just fine

2011-07-26T08:23:00.002-04:00

IUDs are always scary (at least, the non-hormonal copper kind like i have) because you're told that cramping and bleeding tend to increase, on top of other potential complications with regards to insertion. when you are like me, and have lived long years with excruciating menstrual cramps for 12-24 hours every month, "increased cramping" is not really an option. but i went for it anyway, because short of matt going under the knife, it's the only kind of birth control that was ever going to work for us. i never had much issue with heavy or long-lasting bleeding, so that didn't concern me.

6+ months and three periods later, i can say WOW! the menstrual cramping thus far has been laughable considering what i used to endure (it's likely that pregnancy alleviated it for me). sure, there's a little lower backache and some minimal cramp-like feelings, but i could endure without medication. and i'm finding my usual 4-5 day periods are now more like 6, but even that is nothing. the really interesting thing, for me, is that i have developed very distinct ovulation pains for about 3 days each month. i'm keeping detailed calendar records so that i can pinpoint my ovulation day and get better at predicting the arrival of my period. women are "supposed" to have 14-day luteal phases, but it looks like mine is more like 9-10 days (that is, 9-10 days after i feel the 'ovulation pain' i should expect my period). we'll see if it gets more exact as time goes on.

also IUD-related, still no problems with it, ah, interfering in the act. which is always nice.

in other news, rowan is using the potty (as least for pee)! she was 5/5 yesterday with NO accidents. the day before, too. she has been off-and-on for months, as i have mentioned before, but this time it was 2 days of 'i need to use the potty' right after peeing in her diaper, so we did it, and the next day she caught it before she went, and asked for her "pantypants," and we've been off diapers during the day ever since. she said "NO DIAPERS!" yesterday, and it was great.

as for liam, i have a strong feeling that Luvs are giving him a rash. he's never worn anything but the all-natural diaper types until now, and suddenly he has a horrendous rash on his butt. he's in pain, too. we're going to do some trial and error to figure it out, but in the meantime he hates diaper changes. also he is cutting the next set of FOUR teeth all at once, so it might be the yucky poo irritating him :(.

i caught a raccoon last night in the trap--probably the one that killed all our chickens--so i am hoping that problem is over. at least until next spring. i have 22 chicks coming in the mail this week!

relactation. i'm going for it.

2011-07-26T07:53:00.003-04:00

though i should correct my title and call it... "more lactation," to be accurate. i'm still producing milk, though only in tiny amounts. liam is still nursing, though not often more than twice a day (and really only for comfort). but, i have been watching him closely and there were several times yesterday where he crawled over to me, climbed my legs and asked me to pick him up because he wanted to nurse. i also noted his disappointment when all he got was a few drops. so: he is not ready yet. and neither am i.

call it last baby syndrome or whatever you like, he's not even a year old and we still have time for him to be a baby a little bit longer. (don't worry, i am not one of those women who never lets 'the baby' of the family grow up; i just want to enjoy him a little bit longer until he is ready to grow up.) rowan's last nursing experience was on mother's day 2010, a week before her 1st birthday, and she never batted an eye... i am sure i will know when liam is ready.

all this to introduce the goal of seriously increasing my fast-waning milk supply for the benefit of the breastfeeding relationship. it's only partly about the milk production, as he eats any/all food and quite enjoys the raw milk from our grass-fed jersey cow that i give him. so: on with it.

my only genuine concerns--which are quickly brushed aside in favor of enjoying liam's infanthood longer--relate to the sex drive which has finally started to return and to the weight which has finally, slowly, begun to come off in proportion to the drop in milk supply. but a few more months won't kill me (or matt).

i am linking some relactation resources in my stash (see right) but these are the basic guidelines under which i am working (this may be different depending on situation; my baby is older and we have been full-time nursing since birth):
1) pump or nurse every 2-3 hours on the dot - they say 15 or 20 min, but i'm doing 10 because i will primarily be pumping at work
2) after a few days, add in the fenugreek for an extra boost. 2 pills 2x a day.
2.5) eat lots of oatmeal, which i already do. it can up supply by a surprising amount.
3) remember that the menstrual cycle* will create a varying supply over the month!

i officially started this morning, so i can look forward to work days filled with intermittently locked doors, awkward and slightly paranoid undressing in my "office," and shared refrigerators containing bottles of breast milk that freak out coworkers. ah, motherhood. whatever, it's worth it.

*right, i never mentioned this. i got the first monthly visit when liam was 7mo. remind me to post about it re: IUD...

reinstatements

2011-07-14T12:36:00.003-04:00

i'm going to make a conscious effort to write regularly now. for my own sake, so that when i want to look back i actually have something to look at.

liam is fully mobile lately, and stands up every chance he gets. a few days ago i caught him as he pulled himself to stand next to rowan's bed, then grabbed a toy and did it with no hands! i'm thinking he will be walking before his birthday... i've been experimenting with letting him swim underwater, since he seems to have no fear of the water and can hold his breath when dunked.

rowan is still anti-potty for the most part, but she is getting enough cognitive ability that i think i'm going to start pushing her a little bit more. as for swimming, a few weeks ago she fell off the top step in my parents' pool, and came up without choking (meaning she had held her breath)... she cried for a few seconds but i made a huge fuss about what a big girl she was for swimming all by herself, and the tears turned into pride pretty quickly. but she still doesn't want to leave the steps. she is going to be a lot more work in terms of encouraging her to take risks. liam will be the total opposite, ha.

matt received a shift change as of tomorrow; he'll be working 4pm-12am with tues/wed off. that is going to be... interesting. on the days i'm home, he will be trying to sleep in until 10am or so with the kids running around (after waking up at 630am). on days i work, i won't really see him at all. i have to say i am rather looking forward to some 'alone time' in the evenings, in which to knit, or work on computer stuff, or just not cook dinner... but it will be weird to go to sleep without him almost every night. weird and unpleasant. i hope it works well for him in terms of getting things done at home, though. he used to be a total night owl, so maybe this will be comfortable for him after the initial adjustment period. we should theoretically save a bunch of money on movie rentals, too, since we will only have two nights per week in which to watch something uninterrupted. we'll see. soon enough it will change again and he'll be on 12-hour shifts... then i will really never see him. sigh.

some milk production drama happened but i don't feel like explaining it; butters is doing well and we are getting a gallon a day. our chicken situation, however, fucking sucks. all our adults were killed (but the ducks remain unharmed). the babies that i mentioned in the last post died--9 of 12 of them--of a sickness which is apparently highly contagious and re-infectable. so i can't keep the 3 who survived, because they will pass it on to any new birds we get. wtf. so right now i technically have no chickens, and it sucks. (as soon as i get rid of these 3 i will be ordering some new chicks.) i do have a batch of 9 eggs incubating, and if i can believe what i see while candling, they are all developing nicely. i'm excited about that because those were the last few eggs from our now-deceased chickens, so i'm glad to potentially have some progeny of the good birds. i'll be ordering chicks to arrive about the time the eggs are due to hatch (july 19).

speaking of milk production, work has ruined mine. i was doing great, pumping 6-8oz at work and nursing plenty... and then suddenly shit went to hell. i'm not really sure how/why. but i know that liam gets bored nursing (let-down too slow lately) and wants an instant-gratification bottle and i am failing miserably at pumping ever, let alone regularly. i started taking fenugreek but so far all it has done is make me smell like syrup. not necessarily in a good way. i was reading up on relactation, though, and it sounds like if i just stick with a 2-hour nurse or pump schedule for a week or so i should be fine to reestablish supply. i wouldn't even care about weaning except that liam is clearly not ready to stop sucking milk out of things, so i would prefer that it be me if that is the case. granted, i am giving him homegrown raw milk in those bottles, and he eats food abundantly, but since he wants to nurse i need to be able to provide the milk. trouble is, bottles are so EASY; plop him in bed, hand him a bottle, and done. none of this 'baby is sleeping in my arms gotta slide him gently into bed without waking him" frustration. laziness prevails despite the best intentions, sometimes.

what else? my new niece, aria, is adorable and growing very fast. kai has been given the 'a-ok' by several doctors, including his ophthalmologist, which was a surprise. he is normal on all the scales, and will grow out of whatever slight delays may be holding him back. it's shocking, frankly. i realize there may be emotional/behavioral differences that surface as time goes on, but apparently hope is strong. if i had to compare him to rowan (speechwise), i would say he is where she was at about 13-14 months (he is technically 19.5 months now), just starting to use understandable words. he's a sweet little kid and has so far been very good with his baby sister.

the grapes are starting to ripen on the vines in the yard...

long overdue

2011-06-10T09:20:00.003-04:00

well. i just went through to find a post about rowan when she was 8 months--as that is how old liam now is, if you can believe it!!--and i found one small paragraph. damn not updating the blog enough.

"rowan is 8 months! she eats like a champ, is still nursing full-time, sleeps through the night, has 2 full teeth and 2 half teeth (all bottoms, lol), she's babbling up a storm and trying really hard to hoist herself up on things. she loves books, playing in the grass (or dirt), and other babies."

so... liam eats like a CHAMP, i mean he eats everything and is already refusing baby food in favor of anything he can chew. he nurses full-time, which for him means about 4 times a day or so. he sleeps from about 530pm-630am. he has four teeth all the way (2 top, 2 bottom). he babbles all the time. he's about 1/2 step away from crawling successfully, which rowan never even tried to do. he is getting around using the army crawl for now, but the knees keep coming up, and he definitely likes to pull himself up when he manages to get a hold of a sturdy-enough object. i don't read him books, which is awful and i am really working to change; i just never have the chance, between rowan's demands and the housework i have to fuss with. but we do need to institute storytime AT LEAST 30 min a day. he doesn't really play in the dirt so much, because unlike rowan he puts EVERYTHING in his mouth, but he loves the pool. also unlike rowan, he's not interested in the tv; she was obsessed with elmo at his age. he barely glances up when rowan is watching something. and i am grateful for that.

he is very different than rowan in a lot of ways... he grabs at everything, and will roll/drag himself across a room if he sees something he wants. he can drink from a straw, and if i have something edible, he wants it. now. he is very silly and i call him 'trouble' all the time because he's so into everything. he loooves the cat, but unfortunately he's not very nice with his grabbing and pinching, so i have to keep an eye on that. he's a really, really, really happy little guy with a sweet personality... very affectionate. but he's also a monster because he is a little bit reckless. still very sensitive (like rowan) but not nearly as cautious. i'm told he's just "a boy" but that seems oversimplified to me.

rowan is now 2 years old... and jeebus, what a big girl she is. fully verbal, with sentences and pronouns and verbs and adjectives used correctly, many of her sentences even include the entire subject/object/verb of correct english :). she expresses her opinions very well (and they are many). she loves movies, and right now it's all about tinkerbell, peter pan, the little mermaid, ponyo, and princess mononoke.* she also really likes yo gabba gabba and sesame street. potty training is sort of on hold while she decides whether or not she wants to do it: she's really into the "pantypants" but doesn't want to go on the toilet. so we waver. but she's not the kind of kid i can trick or force into things, so we'll leave it to her pace. today she is actually going to "school" with her playmate--our nanny's 3yo son--for the first time... sigh. that thing they say about time and flying? it's true.

i am back to work at a new job 2.5 days a week, which is working out really well for everyone involved (i think). i get out of the house and a paycheck, the kids get away from me and someone their age to play with, the nanny gets a playmate for her son and some farm goods, and matt--who watches them on tuesdays--gets some alone time with the kids, who are really starting to connect with him more. it's good.

we are back to milking butters every morning (at 5am!!! aggh!) and besides some issues with the calf sneaking his nose through the fence to steal milk at night, it's going great. she is such a good cow; i never realized before. maybe being pregnant as she was made her cranky or something. we are planning to inseminate her soon with sexed-semen for a guaranteed female, so that when her time is up we have a substitute milk cow. hopefully that won't be for a while, but who knows how long she will live? she wasn't always a family farm cow... and lifespans vary by treatment. also she only has the three working udders, so her supply is never what it could be if all four worked. when does go, i will be glad to know that at least we've got her daughter :).

last weekend i convinced matt to take me over to a bird farm to pick up some chicks, since we have lost so many of our hens lately... we had a raccoon coming every night until we caught him, and after that there was a fox. we're down to 5 hens and the good old king red rooster. but now i have 12 babies in a safe cage who i hope will grow quickly. i got 6 ameraucanas, 1 wyandotte, 1 cochin, 2 plymouths, and 2 barred rocks. of course, we don't know how many will be hens, but betting 50/50 still gives us a nice-sized flock. i just hope the cochin is a hen! they are cute. and ameraucanas have fluffy cheeks :) :) :). matt picked up another duck hen; they should start laying any time now, if they haven't already (every few days we get a mysteriously large and strange-looking egg, and once or twice there has been evidence of a broken 6th egg--but we only have 5 hens). i also got my mom a pair of black bantam "frizzles" as a thank you for all the favors she does us--her flock is all bantam because big chickens scare her, lol. anyway.

things are going very well. matt is working on the fence for pasture #2 and hooking up the electric system in his workshop (finally), our garden is lush and productive, we've made a little money selling some of our goods, we *should* actually be able to save a tiny bit of money for the first time in years, and everyone is happy.

:)

*um, yeah, i know that's totally not a kids' movie... we have a bit of anime at the house and NO kid movies (other than nightmare before xmas), so she found it one day and demanded i put it on, and she loved it. why? i don't know. but she does, scary beast-gods, blood, guns, and all. so whatever. i need to get my real kid movies back from a friend (the dark crystal and spirited away).

when hair meets scissors

2011-04-26T20:45:00.005-04:00

(sing that to the death cab for cutie melody)

this is what happens:

:D

i am waaaay overdue for a real post. i know.

...and the farm grows.

2011-02-27T18:07:00.003-05:00

(luckily not in terms of children, ha!)

yes, we have more animals now. let's tally them all:

- 2 cows, both pregnant. that means we will soon have FOUR cows.
- 2 cats.
- 2 roosters.
- 11 hens - one of whom is broody as hell and has claimed a nest with 20! eggs in it.
- 6 chicks.
- 7 rabbits (5 does, 2 bucks) and the litter of bunnies.
- 4 ducklings.

matt brought home the extra rabbits and the ducks last weekend. apparently we didn't have enough already..! so the ducks are for eggs and meat, from what i understand, and it would seem that he wants to eat rabbit at least once a week for the next forever, considering we have the 8 babies and three of our does are pregnant right now. that's a lot of rabbit. we are going to need a bigger deep freezer...

the good news is that now that we have ducks, matt has to build a pond :) :) :). i'm very happy about that. though it also means that teaching rowan to swim will be priority #1 this summer.

i managed to plant a bunch of flower seeds a few days ago, so my hope is that this year i might actually have flowers (other than blackberry) in my yard. we did have some black-eyed susans and my morning glories did very well, but the rest of my flower beds were basically filled with grass, which sucked. but i figured i might as well throw the rest of my seeds now and see what happens.

that's about it for now - i'm waiting for butters to calve because i think i am seeing some signs that the birth is impending... i just hope it goes well for all of us!

it's in!

2011-02-24T18:06:00.003-05:00

my IUD insertion was a dream. i took some xanax ahead of time but it turned out to be totally unnecessary--i didn't even feel it. the speculum was the only thing i felt the whole time. ?! yay for having kids first, i guess. and i'm not even cramping! *cheer*

last night i worked out with my shamefully fit cousin doing the P90X DVDs, and i'm hooked. $130 for ten amazing videos... we only did the 'kenpo' one, which is an hour of punching and kicking, and i was beat. much looking forward to future beatings of a similar nature.

that's all for today.

menu: february 20-26

2011-02-22T16:48:00.002-05:00

T H I S W E E K ' S M E N U
ingredients marked with * are home grown!

sunday: don't ask.

monday: grilled marinated london broil; steamed green beans; twice-baked potato

tuesday: spinach & garlic stuffed chicken breast; balsamic roasted potatoes and turnips*; fresh greens* with blackberry* vinaigrette

wednesday: leftover london broil fajitas with peppers and onions; fresh greens*; turnip* chips

thursday: crockpot pork tenderloin; mashed potatoes, turnips*, and sweet potatoes; sauteed turnip greens* and spinach*

friday: tuna steaks with sweet soy glaze on a bed of wilted bok choy*; bean thread noodles with soy-ginger glaze & scallions

saturday: italian stuffed peppers; fresh greens*

menu planning and such

2011-02-22T16:44:00.005-05:00

last night matt very gently let me know that my cooking efforts are sub-par to his expectations and that he would appreciate it if i put a little more forethought and creativity into dinner. fair enough; i am inherently kind of lazy and the kids make it easy for me to rush and not care what i am cooking. he works a somewhat crappy job for our sake and deserves to enjoy dinner when he comes home, so i'm now planning menus because last-minute doings just don't work for me.

i thought i would share my menus in case anyone else is in a similar boat... i'm deciding just how to do it but a guess a weekly "menu" post will cover it. on we go.

i'm getting my IUD thursday via a "mainstream medical type" as previously alluded to. should be tons of fun... i'm all ready with my zonk-out drugs because i'm not in the mood for reproductive-area pain right now. i'm a little annoyed that i have no way of getting to the appointment other than having my mother take me and the kids over there. i was hoping for this to be a child-free event, being that i don't want to nurse liam while on aforementioned zonk-out drugs and i really don't want to fuss with them in the car while i'm crampy. but alas. one babysitter and one driver available, and they happen to be the same person... but as long as i get the freaking device put in place as planned i will be happy.

good news on the weight-loss front: turns out my cousin and aunt have already formed a little neighborhood workout group which they are happy to have me join! every other night they walk, and the odd nights are workout-video sessions. awesome. scheduled exercise works really well for me, and it's after the kids are asleep so i can actually do it guilt-free. matt will have to be without his nightly movie partner, but i am certain he's willing to sacrifice for the sake of me losing this baby belly. i know i am. i'd like to do the whole before/after photo thing but i can't bear the sight of my body these days and thus i will not be photographing it in ~~such a revealing~~ any fashion. this is also great because i tend to have my evening sweets (ice cream) during the time that i will now be busy sweating. and i can't drink beer before a workout...

I AM SO READY TO LOOK LIKE I USED TO! inspiration:

march 2008 - 6 months pre-pregnant

*sigh*

happy days on the 'farm'

2011-02-21T15:47:00.005-05:00

(all taken today)

rowan on her crazy playset

king rooster doing a dance

just a hen

marge and butters

rowan admiring the new chicks

the new chicks - 3 rhode island and 3 mutts

the pile of new bunnies! 7 of them

apple blossom

all hail the sleep fairy

2011-02-16T13:37:00.003-05:00

liam pulled an 8-hour sleep last night, finally! i am really hoping this means he will be a normal nighttime baby now. it was blissful to wake up and actually feel like i had slept.

today i seem to have begun a serious return to healthfulness (which i hope will bring with it a reduction of ass--and other--flab). i'm juicing the excess veggies from the garden (mmm... turnip juice... lol) and i found a nice little recipe to make healthy, but filling, muffins out of the leftover pulp. cue my favorite homemade ginger/lemon/honey tea instead of 20 cups of coffee per day and replace various junkish foods with yogurt and granola, and i should be doing pretty good. not eating meat is a plus too. i even worked out a la the "fabulously fit moms" dvd from my netflix queue. it's so cheesy but it made my lame ass sweat. i'm going to try to do it at least 3x a week...

it's hot outside today, which sort of confuses me. we're halfway through february..? last year it was freezing until easter. i never talk about this because it definitely makes me sound like i broke out of Bedlam, but i think massively devastating things are on the way shortly. crazy signs in the sky, earthquakes, tsunamis where they shouldn't be, and cracking continents. the flooding in pakistan and indonesia is just the start... but enough about that. i was just talking about the weather.

bunny mama lost a baby. *sigh* she kicked it out of the nest last night, i hope after it was already dead. he was the runt and didn't seem to be getting fed, but it makes me really sad because i considered bringing him in and hand-feeding him to keep as a pet for rowan... but i checked on him yesterday and he looked better so i didn't do it. now i wish i had :(. it's nature, but it still hurts. mama has 8 babies left though, and they are all fierce and furry.

our egg harvest has gone down to 6 a day recently and i know it's because those freaking sluts are laying eggs out in the yard somewhere. we have eleven hens, so even if a few don't lay every day we should be getting more than that. so today and tomorrow and the next day they are being kept in their pen. i'm not sure how long a hen can resist laying before she will find a new spot, but i would think not long. we'll see.

time to go help rowan with "elmo singy!!"

pissed off.

2011-02-15T17:49:00.002-05:00

you know, i really want to like the birth center. i love the women who work there, i love the oldschool community connections, i love the fact that they support a hugely undervalued necessity of life for childbearing women, and so on. but bloody hell and flaming bollocks, they fucking suck! i hadn't mentioned this before but my tax forms were all sorts of fucked up when they came in the mail, though i didn't bother to fuss and try to have them fixed (staff changeovers were the reason and i'm not interested in explaining and fighting about it)... and now my IUD appointment was cancelled, in short, because they don't have their shit together. i need NEED NEED NEED that IUD! so now, i'm forced to either wait another MONTH for an appointment (since their ARNP only works one day a freaking month) or go somewhere else and deal with "doctors" and paperwork and all that crap. sigh. i want to support them. i want to say hi. i want a woman i know and trust to do the procedure for me. but more importantly, i want my motherfucking IUD.

oh and by the way, the day she can do the insertion is two days before i have a big art show in which i'm selling my screenprints. not really going to be able to put on a happy face and sell shit when i'm doubled-over with fresh cramps (or drugged up to mask them). ARGH!

whatever, i have my options. i'll just have to call around tomorrow and see what i get in terms of appts with the mainstream medical-types.

this post was supposed to be about wild runaway mommy-brain, so let's start over:
i've always had a problem with daydreaming and spacing-out into neverland a little too often, but last night i was taken to a whole new level... i think having children and being constantly forced to deal with life moment-by-moment--and i don't mean in a zen sort of timeless now fashion--has possibly done some weird things to my head. i planned this trip to the grocery store for last night after the kids were sleeping, making it the first totally un-rushed, peaceful grocery trip i've had in almost 2 years. the drive into town is a good 15+ minutes of nothing but dark roads and whatever is on my stereo (which i could actually hear for once). my brain exploded. i felt like i had taken acid again, in a way; it was like the quiet of having no mental demands caused a massive burst into wild freeform thought exploration the likes of which i cannot recall experiencing while sober. i was overwhelmed and found myself just watching the crazy places my head went. i can't begin to explain the paths that were taken so i won't try, but suffice it to say i was more spaced-out and daydreamy than even i like to be. all this from observing a few short minutes of peace and quiet on a nighttime drive...

i didn't realize just how whacked-out i was until the video store. i walked in and was greeted by lennon's "while my guitar gently weeps" (love that song; but it also reminds me of a long-ago acid trip) and managed to find a few suitable movies relatively quickly. standing at the register i remember looking at a poster for paranormal activity 2 and thinking "bah, that will be scary as hell but really stupid, i am so not interested in that movie"... as i drove off to the grocery store and looked at my movie rentals, what do you guess was staring back at me? oh yes, paranormal activity 2. cue the 'what-the-fuck' moment of the week. no, month. maybe longer. am i really THAT dumb?

my trip to the grocery store was similar, though i am relieved to say i didn't buy any foods that i hate and then wonder why... i just felt the oddest sense of freedom being able to walk through the store and have my own thoughts as my only companion. i actually bought beer, too--which i will probably get shit for--and when the cashier IDed me it went like this:
bag boy: 'i asked for ID the other day and the lady turned out to be 50!'
cashier: 'whoa, that's funny'
me, to both of them: 'well how old do you think i am? really?'
bag boy: 'ummm'
cashier: (looking at me really hard) '23'
(i laugh)
cashier at the next register: (looking at me really hard) '19'
me: (laugh harder) 'shut up, i'm seriously asking'
... etc... so i tell them i'm 29 and they all kind of make this "shit, you're old" face. so i tell them i have two kids and it gets worse.

i'm not sure if they were just young and stupid or if i really look younger than i am, but 19 seems absurd. though i must admit i was excited to maybe look under 25... blah. that just means i am getting old.

poop, blackmail, and other fun.

2011-02-14T12:12:00.004-05:00

rowan continued to be sick last week, though i have decided now that she was teething too. the combination of symptoms (night waking, gross diapers, snot, crankiness) is obvious in hindsight... but let me tell you about thursday.

rowan woke up way too early and i was changing her in the dark because i was still half-asleep, when she started saying "poopie hands" repeatedly. oh god. yep. so i turned on the light and it wasn't just her hands, which had somehow found their way into her diaper, it was also her sheets, the padded bumper around her headboard, and her blankets. yay for diarrhea! into the wash it all went. the morning was fine after that, and when i put her down for her nap in just a diaper and a shirt, i remember saying to myself "she needs pants, this is a bad idea" but i guess laziness took over and i ignored it. 30 minutes later she is wailing and kicking the wall for my attention, so i went to get her and it was a horrible and yet hilarious scene: rowan lying on her side as if paralyzed with her diaper undone and hanging off her body, with gross runny poo coming down off her, through the side of the diaper, and straight onto the bed. she was whining and upset and wouldn't move because she didn't want it all over her (i shouldn't laugh but it really was funny). it was, again, all over the CLEAN sheets, and now also on her favorite little 'pillow pet' --thanks grandma--ms. ladybug. she had been shat upon!

i washed a second set of sheets while rowan played in my bathtub (with the drain unplugged, of course).

then, because mommy is really stupid, we decided to give the 'big girl panties' a go that afternoon. i knew her tummy had to be empty and i figured she would not want to pee in the underwear, so we talked over and over about how she would tell me when she needed the potty and so on... all afternoon i asked her every 5 minutes if she needed the potty, and it was always "noooo," so i left her alone. i must have ignored her for about 10 minutes at one point, though, because suddenly her panties were wet and i didn't know when or where it had happened. sigh. eventually i found a puddle on my bathroom floor. i'm sure the reason she didn't bother to tell me was because she knew she isn't allowed in there and didn't want to get caught.

as for blackmail, it's a bit of an exaggeration: i'm refusing to eat any meat until matt quits smoking. you'd think that would have no effect on him, but he gets annoyed if i even suggest i might be vegetarian again, so i'm hoping it will give him some small incentive to stop spending money and being stinky over something as stupid as cigarettes. he likes cooking excessively large slabs of animal parts for us, and he'll miss it if i don't partake... besides, at the very least i should theoretically be able to lose some weight just by cutting out the meat and replacing it with veggies. we'll see.

we had a litter of bunnies a few days ago and another is on the way today or tomorrow, and matt bought us a few rhode island pullets the other day, too. they are living in a fish tank on our dining room table at the moment. karen has successfully hatched four chicks from our eggs this week, too, which is really exciting. i hate that we will have to segregate them and deal with the whole pecking-order deal for a while when they are big enough, but it beats not having any chicks. i'm going to try another round of natural hatching later this week, i think. our hens want about 18 eggs under them to sit, so 2-3 days of no collection should do it for a full nest. i hope matt didn't piss them off too much the last time.

i'm about 1/3 of the way through knitting rowan's birthday dress (i started early to ensure it would finished on time, but now i think she will wear it for easter too). it's a really pretty little thing evocative of a flower, with the petals as skirt and the...inner part thingie...as the bodice. i'll post pics when it's done.

liam is blabbering away all the time, lots of new sounds and accompanying facial expressions. i love that kid.

life, and a crosspost: the great stash-bust of 2011

2011-02-03T17:47:00.003-05:00

i've made a resolution for perhaps the first time in history. i have an obscene (and surprisingly high-quality, considering my budget) stash of yarn, 95% of which was bought just because i liked it in the moment. now it is taking up space and doing nothing to curb my desire for more yarn... so i must be rid of it! and since i have been SPINNING--yes! it's amazing! addictive!--i have to find some excuse to do it more... "i am out of yarn" sounds like a good one to me. :) :) :)

so. the plan is to knit right on through my stash, give away the random leftovers, and spin my own when i need yarn for projects. from here on i will spin and dye yarns specifically for a given project, with as few exceptions as possible. as fiber is cheaper than yarn, i feel justified. plus i get to be twice as productive by doing it all myself. *rawr*

i'm quite proud of my planning skills at this point too, since i have managed to choose a project ahead of time for almost all my stashed yarn. i wonder if they are happier knowing their destinies are predetermined...

in other news, liam is big enough to sit in the bouncer! his feet touch the ground and he loves banging on the toys. it's really cute. he has been doing this little baby jig where he pounds his arms down and stomps one foot really enthusiastically; it's hilarious. he's also definitely teething because his fists are always in his mouth and he shouts about it most of the time. not crying, just a general ahhHHHHhhh while chewing. hehe.

rowan is advancing verbally at a breakneck speed. she's picking up so many words every day and stringing them together totally appropriately such that i am surprised by her no less than 3x a day. really need to watch my language to avoid embarrassing myself in public down the line. she's still a little cranky but now i'm starting to think it's because she has been sick... today she seemed better than she has been and she was a lot less troublesome as well. so who knows. terrible twos or just feeling bad? *shrug* i'm sure i'll be baffled by something else in another week or so.

no chicks this time around, the hens abandoned the nest (motherf*cking matt!). but we are getting 10 eggs daily now and i'm sort of swimming in them. i posted a barter ad on craigslist hoping someone wants to trade or buy some. we'll see.

gotta go clean up and make dinner now though.

crafty mama, and other things

2011-01-27T15:29:00.004-05:00

i have acquired another totally practical-yet-impractical skill which i am reveling in... spinning! as in, yarn. my vote for "next animal to join the farm" is obviously sheep, now. :D

it sort of happened by accident, despite me wanting to learn for a while (but never caring enough to invest the time or money)... i found a friend on ravelry who incidentally runs a yarn/fiber shop on etsy, she wanted makeup and i wanted yarn, so we traded. in the process, i ended up with a few drop spindles and some wool as part of the deal, and she showed me how to use them. BAM!

that day, we went to visit a nearby alpaca farm, the owners of which i have connections with, and not only did they hook her up with a crazy deal on raw fiber, they explicitly told me i can come get some for free anytime. *drool* alpaca feels like clouds. so i've got about 5oz of fluffy, jet-black heaven in a bag, which i am not going to touch until i know what i am doing with that spindle! i'll practice with plain old wool until i have a more consistent product, then on to the fancy stuff ;). i've actually been considering brushing the rabbits when they start their spring shed to blend in some non-angora-but-still-soft-rabbit with my wool or alpaca. this is really dangerous, because my knitting projects have slowed down dramatically... i want to spin all the time. i know it's a phase and it will pass, but still. i've been trying to rationalize a la telling myself i need to use up my stash of yarn and then i will have an excuse to spin :)

ah. i just love making things, and similar to the process of taking milk from the cow and turning it into something...more complicated...knitting from spinning from wool from the animal is just so satisfying. i dub it "slow crafts" off the top of my head. did i make that up??

speaking of rabbits, the distressed doe is still hanging in there. i don't know how, but she's alive, and it's hard to say whether she is still in labor. her breathing is weird and that lump (aka fetus) is still in there, but she seems ok. the sitting hen was disturbed for a day by matt stealing too many of her clutch, but she is back to sitting... though i don't know if the eggs will end up being viable or not, now. i told him in no uncertain terms to leave her the hell alone, so hopefully she recovered her broodiness quickly enough and will manage to hatch at least a few. we'll see.

we had a mystery crop of something from the garden last week--after much debate and research, it turned out to be daikon. (yes, matt failed to keep a record of what he planted.) it was then a mystery to both of us WHY he planted a massive amount of daikon... ? not the most useful vegetable, and he couldn't recall buying the sees, but we did some new things with it and it was tasty. stir-fried greens, and a potato-parsnip-daikon soup. he pickled some in the traditional way, as well, but i haven't tried them yet. the rest is basically rabbit and cow feed at this point, because it wilted really fast and we just didn't want to eat that many radishes. lol.

liam, rowan, and matt all have colds and i have a scratch in my throat that i deny is the onset of my very own sniffles. i got about 2 hours of sleep last night (thanks, liam...and matt...) and spent the morning in a nursery full of wild little boys followed by a funeral lunch... weird stuff. all i have to say is thank the stars for crock pot dinners because i have no desire to cook at all. i should be sleeping now, as a matter of fact, but i couldn't resist using naptime for knitting and spinning instead. oh well. coffee's brewing.

rowan has been difficult lately. she does things she knows will get her into trouble (albeit very little trouble) and has been pinching herself and me, just to be mean. never liam, thankfully. matt thinks she's bored, and i think he's right. so i've got to find some friends for her or something more interesting to do than sit here with me and/or invade grammy and grampy's home every day. would be easier if matt didn't take my car every day. i'm going to go hunting online for toddler activities...

animal drama and tired mama

2011-01-14T18:59:00.002-05:00

i know i mentioned the rabbit tragedy already, but it got worse. the next day there was another non-living baby in the cage. it looked like its legs were hemorrhaged so i'm thinking mama smushed him or he was stuck in the birth canal for too long... sigh. then it got worse again. mama bunny ("fatty") was gasping for breath and not moving around at all, with her eyes mostly closed. there were strage pinkish drops of blood(?) around her whiskers.

we did some 'research' online and couldn't find anything, though i am versed enough in the hazards of birth to guess that she was either 1) still in labor, 2) hemorrhaging, or 3) suffering from an infection. we could only assume whatever it was must be birth-related..? but of course the vet was going to charge upwards of $200 for a visit and--cold and hard as it is--we just can't pay that for a rabbit we can replace for $15. i didn't want her to die or to suffer, but there's a limit to the extravagance we can bestow upon livestock at this point.

i decided the best chance she had was to get some penicillin from the feed store and give her the proper dose; if she did have an infection it would either cure it or not, but it was either that or nothing. (by the way it's not fun to stick bunnies with needles :(...) the next day she was the same, but we managed to check her out on the underside and there wasn't any unusual blood or other ick, which was a good sign.

today she actually seems slightly better--she is not so droopy and her breathing sounds a tiny bit easier. i'm really hoping the meds help because i hate losing animals! we're keeping a close watch on her. the more i see her the more i think she might actually have a purely coincidental respiratory infection...

in other animal news, i have cracked open five eggs with double-yokes in the last two weeks. five. that's almost a world record! being that the chances are 1 in 1000 for that to happen in the average dozen, i'm thinking one of our chickens is a hereditary double-yoker. it's novel and fun, but unfortunate because that means her chicks won't hatch. oh well.

and finally, mama is tired because babies are NOT SLEEPING AT NIGHT! why?!?!? liam woke up every hour last night. rowan woke twice. repeat for the last several days. these nights make me want to say things like "i hate my life" even though i don't. i'm just exhausted and not getting a break. in liam's case, i fear he is waking because it hurts to pee (more on that later). or he's teething. rowan, i cannot explain. it's so, so frustrating to finally climb back in bed and just drift off only to be startled out of it by wailing children. *cry*

i need a day off.

it's been a month

2011-01-10T17:58:00.006-05:00

...since i last posted?! terrible.

liam is 3 months old and very much a big boy lately. physically and in terms of his interactions with other humans. i swear he will be talking by 6 months old... and he's really stable with his torso so i expect he should be sitting around when rowan did (20 weeks), if not earlier. his bedtime routine is like clockwork; we do bath and bed right after rowan goes down, and both kids are out by 630. it's amazing. but he has been waking a lot recently (every 4 hours, down from about 8 hours a few weeks ago) and i'm not sure why, but i'm hoping he settles down soon. he's also drooling a lot and eating his hands so we may have entered teething phase #1... *cringe*

rowan is using multiple-word phrases and pronouncing things very well lately. she is all about coloring, watching movies, and riding her toy unicorn all over the house. her hair is long enough to pigtail and some days she even lets me :). she recently had a few tumbles and scored some serious scrapes on her nose AND a massive ugly bruise on one cheek... it was a rough week.

matt is starting a 4-day, 10-hour shift for the next 3 months which will have him home friday, saturday, and sunday... it's nice, though i worry about how bored i know he will be. matt+boredom=annoying. and of course he never wants to do any of the projects i suggest he fill his time with, so it's kind of hopeless. i just have to resign myself to the fact that he will be monopolizing the computer for at least one full day per week, watching stupid movies on netflix instant play. ugh.

butters still hasn't had her calf, and she's huge. i worry about how much bigger she can get before that belly just plops to the ground. and day by day marge is looking rounder too... we'll see what happens. the downside to having a "farm" was evidenced to me this morning when i went out to feed the chickens: one of the rabbits decided to birth without a proper nest, so i was greeted by two dead baby bunnies in her cage. not a nice way to start the day :(. one looked like he might have come out that way, but the other was still soft and had likely died less than an hour before i went out there. it's really depressing... he was probably just too cold. the odd thing is that she only had two. rabbits like her usually have 8-10 kits per litter... ?? the point is, dead bunnies are really sad and it sucks to have to face harsh realities and deal with them sometimes. sigh.

we are getting 8--yes EIGHT--eggs every day, such that our fridge is overflowing with them. i try to use about 3-4 a day, but we still have surplus. hoping to trade someone for them, but not sure who/what for/how to go about that. i think i might start with craigslist... the garden is full of greens and root veggies because matt plants in the opposite season by accident every year, but they are growing beautifully so i'm not complaining. looking forward to lots of, er, turnips. and beets. and kale. in the spring. lol.

i'll try to post more often. i've been using my free time to knit...

sloooow updates

2010-12-11T06:57:00.002-05:00

mostly because i'm KNITTING constantly (gotta get the xmas stuff done...). still not a good excuse though. t.w.i.n.k. was in an indie craft fair last weekend that totally rocked--we made money and it was really fun. someone even told me they liked my "style" in my shiny new outfit bought just for the show! never been told that before; it was nice. and between me and karen we traded with other sellers for at least $200 worth of stuff in addition to the money we made! *headbanging*

as for liam, he is seriously huge. not fat, like those chunky huge babies, just hefty and long. at his 8 week checkup he was 12.2lbs! crazy. he is absolutely sweet... he coes and smiles and tries to laugh all the time. incidentally, that stinky watery poo was diarrhea which cleared up after a few days and now seems to have returned. i do have a sort of forceful letdown but as there is never froth in his diaper i don't think there is an imbalance (also because my boobs are so small that's unlikely--he can only get so much out of them per session and he definitely drains them completely). his eye grossness seems to be all better too, in spite of the stupid antibiotic cream that i stopped using after the first week. he is sleeping between 5-7 hours at a time for the first night stretch, and napping for 1-3 hours once or twice a day. he's delightful.

rowan is getting really good at speaking and i have been drilling her on xmas "stuff"--we watch 'rudolph' and 'santa claus is coming to town' constantly and we've been reading the classic books to make sure she associates santa and whatnot with all the fun that is coming. tonight is a parade downtown that we are bringing her to, and we got a tree yesterday which i plan to decorate today (our first ever). very exciting! she woke up and the first thing she did was smell it and say MMMmmmMM, haha. love it!

i got some fancy new yarns thanks to a gift card i had been saving so i am really looking forward to knitting some things for myself after the holidays are over. so far i have completed a bunch of things for rowan, a really cute set of wristlets and cowl for my sister, a fluffy collar for my mom, slippers for matt's dad, slippers for matt's stepmom, a scarflette for matt's mom, a pair of armwarmers for me, and a cowl that doubles as an overskirt for me. i am working on a hat for matt now, and after that it's the fancy yarns and complicated projects. woohoo!

we think that marge, cow #2, may also be pregnant now. she was exposed to the bulls for much longer than butters, so her later fertilization makes sense. it's nuts. butters is due any day now and it's been really, really cold so i'm a little worried... probably baselessly. we have something like 14 chickens and are getting 3 eggs a day lately. i'm not sure how well the garden is doing but it's out there with green stuff in it. our well froze a few times during these cold nights but matt has insulated it now and it appears to be effective.

i think that's all i have to update at the moment... i need to post pics of the little ones...

late reflections, etc

2010-11-16T07:37:00.004-05:00

when the shock of liam's perfect birth finally wore off and i could start integrating it into my life experiences, some strange things happened. "birth" stopped being something that i obsess about. i am as interested in keeping it in my life as i was before, but i'm not on a soapbox anymore. i'm not feeling the need to rant and rave and hoist signs about it (though i gladly will should the occasion arise). it would seem that the total non-event normalness of giving birth the way i did has toned the whole subject down several notches, with a big added dose of peacefulness and contentment.

related to this was gaining the understanding that i will never get over rowan's birth. it doesn't hurt anymore (mostly probably because i have "proved" myself to myself; silly but true) but i was wrong to hope that liam's homebirth would somehow heal the trauma rowan and i went through. it didn't, and that's ok. it healed me in a profound metaphysical way, but nothing will ever lead me to "get over" her birth... it was awful and that's just the way it is. i am able to accept it for what it was and see it in a more objective way, but it will always be a scar even though the wound is no longer throbbing.

on a more mundane note, liam has strange diarrhea going on. for the past few days his normally sweet-smelling, sticky yellow curdled breastmilk poo is stinky, greenish, and so watery it soaks right into the diaper. wtf? i need to do some research... he seems fine otherwise and is eating/sleeping normally so i don't know what to think. as of last night we moved him out of our room--he's 6 weeks old--and into the spare bedroom to get ready for the move into rowan's room. i don't want him in there until he is sleeping through the night because i don't want him to wake her all night long. right now he's consistently going 3-hour stretches both for naps and for night sleeping. he's growing really fast so i can i only assume that explains the several night feedings..?

i am doing good with my "diet" which isn't--eating lots of oats, fruit, yogurt, and green juice. cutting out most meat since i don't really want it anymore, and avoiding breads. i should reduce my coffee intake but i just like it so much... and i've been doing that workout every other day too. i'm sure i'll lose just enough weight to gain it all back over thxgiving and xmas.

rowan is working on her 12th tooth and is saying everything i say to her. it's very cute. i'm really looking forward to xmas and seeing her excited over the lights and tree and parades and gifts. it should be so fun!

"uncle james" brought us 4 more hens yesterday as well, so we now have... 12?? chickens running around, but two of those will shortly be executed for the sheer fact that they are upstart roosters. matt is working on the barn but all we have is 4x4s in the ground so far. winter is coming...

peace

2010-11-13T09:55:00.003-05:00

both babies are sleeping at the same time for the second day in a row. *bliss* yesterday liam napped from 9am-12pm, too! i even had 5 minutes this morning to slather my head with henna (way overdue) and get some stuff ready for the GLAM which twink and my shirts will both be a part of. as of last night i have whipped myself into shape in terms of making him sleep in his bassinet, and he slept 5 hours and 3 hours (he is officially a stomach-sleeper no matter what i try). it was great to sleep in my bed without a baby i'm afraid to disturb by rolling over! maybe matt will come back to our room now... lol. i also started a pilates regimen that uses baby as the weights, and man that showed me just how out of shape i have become. it was EASY as far as workouts go, and only like 15 minutes, and my arms and legs felt like they were going to give out. i used to be able to do some seriously intense workouts and still be ok. i guess i should look at that past glory as something to work towards again.

i have discovered that i can knit and nurse at the same time, and all i can say about that is HALLELUJAH AMEN woo-freaking-hoo!! i've made some xmas gifts for rowan and i am even halfway done with a pair of super-cute fingerless gloves for me--first thing i've ever knitted for myself. it's glorious to be productive while i'm stuck on the couch otherwise "wasting time" (if you don't consider that i'm imbuing a mini-human with nutritious growth juice).

in the TMI realm--be warned here--matt and i resumed marital relations more than a week ago and everything is a-ok in the nether zone. it's sort of shocking, after my recovery post-rowan. i think i would've been fine with activities down there even at 2 weeks, but i wanted to be sure. it's such a relief.

i'm going for my IUD consultation on thursday which i am very excited about... yay for long-term surefire contraception that doesn't involve surgery! lol.

liam is 6 weeks old. he cooes and looks like he is trying to talk all the time, which is something rowan never did this early. he smiles a lot and is very interested in what is going on around him, and he's much cuter than he was before. i need more photos of him...

the big girl bed

2010-11-04T13:52:00.003-04:00

patience is a wonderful thing. having "given up" on the big-girl bed, as i did, in the hopes that rowan would sort of grow into it on her own, i am absolutely delighted to say that she has! a few days ago she decided that naps needed to be taken in it, and was consistent with it... so i decided to take advantage of a late-night out (after which she fell dead asleep in her car seat) to sneak her into the big girl bed for the night. it worked. she woke up in the middle of the night, i came in and comforted her, and she was back to sleep until the morning and has expected to sleep there ever since. it's awesome! i am so glad i left it to her to decide when she was ready. now i just need to get liam sleeping longer at night and i can have them both in their room together :) :) :)

liam is growing and has made a leap in awareness over the past few days. he's very into being awake and hanging out more, which is great... we're past the drowsy-all-day-nursing stage, and he's taking more defined naps and setting a bedtime for himself. he's a lovely little baby, and looking more and more like rowan by the day.

rowan has started repeating EVERY word i say to her lately, also, which is new. she tries to say everything, which means my sailor's mouth is rapidly becoming unsustainable. i'll be regretting it very soon if i don't clean up my language!

our farm has grown by another rooster, too. karen brought us a very showy little bantam "duclay" named peter to join our flock. he's tiny but apparently has a big heart. i think he'll be staying with us for a while, at least. butters hasn't birthed yet and my eggs were duds. matt has been planting the winter garden with spinach and lettuce...

wacky dream

2010-10-31T11:37:00.003-04:00

a few nights ago i had another dream that included a moment of total and complete certainty that everything is fucked.* i look outside at the moon, in a sky that is too bright for night and too dim for day, and it is HUGE--the size of a dinner plate or larger--and there is a strange colorful/hazy halo all around it. seeing this is like being punched in the stomach, an instant knowing that all things are ending now and there is no more time left to mess around. i find myself dreading what i know i have to do, which is to explain to my family that we have to leave... i dread having to try to justify how i know what is happening and how i know where we need to go, because there isn't time to argue and i know they will doubt me. it's terrifying and i fear we are already out of time and that they won't listen.

i make note of this dream because, like the others, it didn't feel like a "normal" dream. it didn't feel like something my silly brain just invented during a mundane sleep. i don't know what to make of it.

*i had completely forgotten dream #3 in the older post until i just now read it again. wow. i am starting to wonder if these dreams aren't messages of some kind... maybe i am a contactee???? *nervous laugh*

four weeks

2010-10-30T17:43:00.003-04:00

oh liam. he is getting really cute lately (thankfully). he's already 9lb7oz, too! rowan took a good 6 weeks to get to 9lbs... and he is finally smiling at me when i "play" with him. it's gorgeous.

life is nice. the house is a little less clean than i'd like and i am dealing with some of the less wonderful aspects of motherhood (leaky boobs, unwashed/unbrushed hair, wearing pajamas all day) but mostly it's pleasant and more relaxed than i would have expected. rowan is watching way too much tv in the form of DVDs, but at this point i don't have the will to fight with her or the stamina to entertain her myself. it's bad and i know it but i'm letting it go for now.

i have rejoined a mama's group in the hopes that soon we can start hanging out with playdates, so we'll see if that works out. tomorrow is kai's birthday halloween party, which rowan is pretty excited about--she's going to be a bumblebee as before, and i'm playing leia with a little yoda in tow, thanks to auntie lawlaw's awesome knitting skills in making one of these for liam. my hair just happens to be long enough to make some decent leia buns, too :). i wish matt were joining us as han solo, but alas, he has to work.

on the farm side of things, we have sort of flopped this month. two of our newest hens are roosters, the eggs i was incubating are duds, the rabbit didn't have babies, and butters is STILL pregnant. blah. something funny happened the past few days though--rowan encountered her first tortoise up-close and didn't like him. he was walking through the yard back to his little hole, so i brought her near enough to see him well, and she stared and stared, then when he continued to walk she freaked. she wasn't totally terrified but she did not want to stick around to see where he was going. she wanted in the house right that minute. it was very funny and pretty surprising. today she reacted even more emotionally when a rather large roach/beetle/thing scurried out from under her plastic pool where she was playing... she practically fell all over herself trying to get away and cried! i'm not sure where this fear-of-creatures thing is coming from, but i hope it's a phase... even though it's funny.

i have officially begun a workout regime, which so far consists of squats and plies and some easy ab exercises, as i still have that gap in my stomach muscles and thus shouldn't do crunches. i put a few workout videos on the netflix queue also, and will be aiming for at least one session--of anything--every day. i'm a hundred and freaking fifty pounds (i was shocked) so i have no time to waste. i want my body back!! i'm trying to eat a lot of raw food and frequent small meals, since that always works wonders to whittle me down. i hate trying to lose weight, even though i don't mind exercise at all. it's disappointing and stressful and i somehow can never see the results even when i get them.

leaving on a happy note: knowing that liam is our last baby is actually a strangely pleasant feeling. i know, for instance, that in about 5 months i will have time to myself again. in about 4 months he will be able to sit on his own. in two months or so, he will eat less often and be awake and interactive for most of the day. it's helping me to really appreciate this needy-newborn stage... it goes so fast and then it's gone forever. he won't want to cuddle with me for much longer *sniffle* and he won't be sleeping with me in bed anymore soon enough... so i'm enjoying it even when i just want 10 minutes to myself.

less annoying gifts?

2010-10-26T09:01:00.003-04:00

i'm working on rowan's xmas list for the grandparents--more of a "don't buy" list than anything else, really. but the point is to provide a list of things that they can buy that won't 1) clutter up her room with needless toys and 2) provide some kind of education or character expansion rather than distraction.

so far i've got:
- sidewalk chalk
- a drum
- a keyboard
- sand for her existing sandbox, which she has basically emptied
- a sprinkler toy, like this or one of these (holy crap she would LOVE that)
- size 6-7 shoes
- yookidoo bath spout
- finger paints and a paper pad
- one of those magnetic doodle pads
- xylophone (preferably wooden)
- hand puppets

stuff for "all" of us:
- a 2-seater bicycle trailer
- one of those leashes previously mentioned

she already has a tricycle, some play silks, an outdoor gym thing, and several balls... and i know it sounds crazy but we do not need any more books right now--she has SO many and hasn't been reading them very much lately. i don't need anything for liam since we have "baby" toys aplenty and clothes to last him at least through 6 months!

i will be adding to this as i think of things, and suggestions are welcome.

three and a half weeks already

2010-10-24T10:20:00.003-04:00

i suck at updates, but i have good excuses! things are going well, in general, though i have realized rowan is bored to tears by our daily life. i need to find her a playgroup NOW or risk her hating me and our house permanently, lol. she's been seeing her cousin kai a lot, which they both love, but there is some driving distance issue that makes it tough to hang out as much as we'd all like.

she's been sort of aggressive, too. it's upsetting but i realize it is totally normal, and i'm not handling it the way i need to be. i've tended to smack her hand when she does something mean (mostly pinching/scratching) and i need to shift my tactics to "time out" style, calm discipline. luckily she hasn't been directing any of it at liam... but she was mean to kai yesterday when she was really tired and he was fussing. i'm really trying to tell myself "it's ok, it's normal" but i hate it sooooo much. my angel is being kind of a brat lately. *squirm*

on the good side, she initiated a "big girl bed" nap this morning!!! i was shocked and delighted when she climbed in for a nap and asked for her bottle, but i tucked her in and walked away anyhow... and she actually slept in it! hooray for transitions begun!

liam is growing like a weed, to the point that he's really not a helpless newborn anymore, at 3 weeks old. he's sturdy and mature-seeming in addition to outgrowing several of his sleepers. he's a good baby but again i'm failing in terms of establishing nighttime routines. i need to get him a regular time for bath and bed and do like i did with rowan if i want him to learn to sleep in his cradle.

well this was short but i'll be back with pics later--time to rescue the angel/brat.

two weeks old

2010-10-15T13:16:00.003-04:00

child leashes...

2010-10-12T11:59:00.003-04:00

i realized the other day, while out with matt's mom, liam, and rowan, that i need help. either that or i need to stay home until liam is big enough for the baby bjorn and some potentially serious jostling. rowan is just all over the place when we go out--and she's fast!--and while nursing/slinging a newborn i cannot keep up with her. it was sort of scary and definitely eye-opening.

so i've been considering employing or crafting a child leash. yes, i said it. this post cracked me up because she basically summed up my previous attitude, and subsequent change, perfectly. you can't argue with what makes sense.

rowan really likes to walk by herself now that she's confident on her feet (and has terribly fashionable shoes to show off) and i can't very well carry her anymore, so i don't really see what other option there is... plus she loves backpacks so i think something like this would suit us all wonderfully. of course i could make a ghetto version no problem, but i think the cute animal factor can't hurt.

going to add that to her xmas list, i think...

cell phones are not ok. duh.

2010-10-12T09:08:00.001-04:00

thanks cryptogon:

New Book Looks at Connection Between Mobile Devices and a Host of Health Problems
October 12th, 2010
Is this partially why so many men are shooting blanks?

And what is the compelling evidence to suggest that cellphones might be tied to sterility in men?

In 2008, researchers found that men with the lowest sperm counts were significantly more likely to keep their phones on their bodies all the time. And it’s been found that the sperm exposed to the highest level of radiation from the phone were the most deformed and the worst swimmers. An Australian team led by a fellow named John Aitkin believes that cellphone radiation weakens the ability of the sperm cell to swim because it’s affecting mitochondrial DNA (mitochondria are basically the engines of the cell). Very similar work was done at one of the top research institutions in Turkey, and in Poland, Hungary and India.

Disconnect: The Truth About Cell Phone Radiation, What the Industry Has Done to Hide It, and How to Protect Your Family by Devra Davis

happy days

2010-10-10T14:02:00.003-04:00

liam is such a good baby! "good" meaning "easy," that is. he sleeps for long stretches both day and night, wakes to eat (a lot, for a long time) and then sleeps more. he's getting a little more interactive and wants to look around at stuff as the days go on, too, which is nice. i feel a little weird about this because for some reason i am kind of anti-pacifier, but he has been trying so hard to grab his thumb that i actually bought a pacifier... and he really likes it. i'm limiting the use to 'baby-is-crying-and-i-have-to-help-rowan' moments, mostly, and i hope to cut it out as soon as he finds that thumb. i guess i'm against it because something tells me he should be nursing if he wants to suck that badly; but there are times he just can't, like in the car. so it's ok.

rowan has been a little bit irritable lately, but i'm not really sure it has anything to do with liam... she is also cutting at least one canine and that second molar is still pushing itself fully out. and she hasn't had a nap in days, thanks to the teeth. so any of the above could be reasons for her crankiness (and she is still apparently in love with the baby). we had a bunch of visitors this last week or so and matt's dad is coming up soon too, so at least she hasn't been bored!

on the farm side of things, big news--butters is most definitely very pregnant. (did i post that already?) you can see a calf moving around in her huge belly, so we've stopped milking and will let her dry up before giving birth and starting a new lactation. marge is cute and mostly pointless, but she's happy. we bred one of the rabbit does and she should be having kits next weekend. i'm incubating a batch of eggs under a heat lamp that should be due right about halloween, if they hatch at all. matt has the garden prepped for winter/spring crops and i think he will be planting any day now... he seeded the soon-to-be second pasture with rye for the winter too. oh, and he managed to CATCH a wild pig last week!! it was pretty nuts... he saw them running around in the field next door and decided he wanted to trap one, and the next day he actually did it. i have no idea how, but the little thing was in a 4x4 dog pen before i knew it. he intended to butcher it but i am glad that he didn't, as we didn't "need" any more porcine flesh in the deep freezer and it was a bit small for that. he let it go instead, when he decided that it was more work than the meat would be worth. last thing, matt's mom brought us two gorgeous muscadine vines that i am quite excited about.

so i've been going to this "revelation" bible study class with my mom, mostly just to hear what the xtians really think about that highly intriguing bit of prophecy, and partly because i know she wanted me to go. but anyway, last night someone said something to me that actually made me pause for a minute and feel proud of myself, which is something that i basically never experience (for whatever reason). she was saying how she told someone about me: "she milks her own cows, makes her own yogurt and butter and cheese, and has babies in her bathtub!" and for a minute, i actually thought to myself, 'hey, that IS pretty awesome!' i also make my own soap and makeup and knit things, too. it's been a really, really long time since i felt anything like pride in myself. i assume this must be a phase of healing via homebirth after the trauma of rowan's birth... i did it, and now i am free to have confidence again.

luckily i have ben folds to remind me, "there's always someone cooler than you." wouldn't want it to go to my head :)

life with two

2010-10-07T08:46:00.003-04:00

i am taken aback by how easy this is, so far. yes, i have a newborn who sleeps a LOT, but even when he's not sleeping things are going so amazingly well! rowan is happy, he is happy, i am happy and totally unstressed, my house is clean (like, really really clean), and i even usually have time to brush my teeth and shower every day. my hair is neglected but i'm ok with that, lol.

liam does have some gross eye goo going on that i am no longer worried about, but definitely watching. yesterday we took him to have his bilirubin levels tested--apparently it's "routine" for a jaundiced newborn--which was sort of a fiasco but i don't need to get into it. i had them do a PKU test too, just for the hell of it. i have issue with the privacy and usage laws in florida on genetic material, but i'd like to know if he happens to have some random disorder... and since they were pricking his heels anyhow, it seemed like the right thing to do. he took it like a champ though! he fussed for a second but i let him have my pinky and he calmed himself immediately. tough guy. his nighttime sleeping habits are awesome too; he sleeps 3 hours, wakes to eat, and back out again. the only trouble i am having is that he doesn't want to sleep in his cradle... he doesn't need to nurse all night (which rowan did--ugh!), and i don't have to hold him, but i guess the cradle is uncomfortable or something b/c he has so far only slept well in the bed. when matt comes back to the room with us tonight it's going to be interesting... i'm not into having daddy-the-heavy-sleeper in bed with baby.

rowan has been having a great old time lately, as we've had a few of her little friends over to visit, my mom has been around constantly, and people keep bringing her presents. and she loves the baby. tomorrow matt's mom will be coming in and that will make her weekend... toys and constant attention galore! she's been so good. she has two molars now and working on the canines. at the doc's it turns out she is above 90% for weight and 75% for height! i can't believe the mini-girl has become a giant... but then again, i was a large child too, until i turned 12 and everyone kept growing except me. hehe.

i have farm updates too for later... baby up...

by the way, his name...

2010-10-05T09:27:00.001-04:00

is Liam Matthew. after 4 days we finally settled on it.

the nameless one's birth story

2010-09-30T18:57:00.003-04:00

well, something was definitely happening. we had a baby that night!

the facts:
i asked debbie to check me around 530pm and i was dilated to 3cm, and by about 630pm i was having contractions enough to make me pause and breathe while i made dinner. we ate, and by 730 i was in bed coping and trying to rest. i'm not sure how long i was there before i felt like i had better get in the tub, but labor was for real so i called debbie and we agreed she'd give it a little while and then leave (she lives over an hour away!)... and i got in the bath and never got back out again. matt called karen and my mom at some point, too, such that they all arrived at exactly the same time (i'm told it was 9:40pm).

by the time karen popped her head in the bathroom i was in or past transition and had had several "pushy" contractions. there was a definite period where i was falling asleep between them so i assume they spaced out and gave me a rest the way books always say it happens during transition. debbie came in to set up and then went back out for a little bit, and i'm not sure when but shortly after that i told karen to get matt because i was feeling the baby's head in my birth canal! i wasn't sure how fast it would all go, but i knew he needed to be there asap... after a few more pushy contractions i told them to let my mom in too, and then all of a sudden he was crowning. it felt like it took forever for that to end... it was intense... but as soon as his head was out the rest of him came on the next push. straight into the bath and up into my arms and it was over. he was born at 1042pm on september 29. 7lb 12oz.

my reflections:
first, debbie was the best midwife ever. i needed no help and she offered none save once; i was struggling to birth his head as slowly as i could--"pushing" is more like holding on for dear life--and she said "take control of it" and that was the only advice or intervention she gave me the entire time she was present. no blood pressure checks, no heart tone checks, no temperatures... she let me give birth without making herself important or necessary for any reason whatsoever. it was amazing.

as for the birth, i got exactly what i was too afraid to dare i could have... despite the onlookers (which is all they were, though matt being there meant more of course) i had an unassisted birth. no one spoke, no one intervened, and i labored alone in the dark in my bathtub the entire time, which was surprisingly short. i think there was an oil lamp and a few candles lit, actually, but it was basically the dark. debbie told me later it was as peaceful of a birth as she has ever seen, and that made me really happy. from my perspective it was thrashing and shouting, but apparently i didn't actually do what i imagined i was doing. i birthed his head leaning over the side of the tub on my knees, and once it was out i sort of flopped backwards to birth the rest of him and take him out of the water. my poor mom, finally allowed into the birth room, missed the birth because of a phone call. she went out to get something for debbie, the phone rang, and when she came back he was out. i think she was pretty upset about it, but i did my best to give her a chance at least.

(my train of thought is a little off b/c i've been writing this for 3 days)

i know that labor technically went from about 330-1042 but for me it was really only the last two to three hours that were "labor" which is so shocking to me since rowan's was a full 17 hours of excruciating contractions from start to finish (thank you very much, castor oil). it wasn't until yesterday, when i really started to process this amazingly perfect birth experience, that i realized just how fucked-the-fuck-up rowan's birth really was. i felt like i had been hit by a truck, beaten with 2x4s between my legs, deflated in the belly, and totally psychotically miserable for weeks after she was born. weeks. after this birth i was tired but normal... like, really, normal. i woke up the next day and was barely sore. i couldn't kegel for months after rowan, and bladder control was a really tough issue--this time, it's like nothing even happened. i am normal. i tore slightly but it was superficial enough to let alone, and it doesn't even hurt; there are some spots that burn when i pee though, so i know there are a few little splits or "skid marks" hiding down there. i'm dwelling on all this because i'm honestly having a really hard time accepting that THIS is what birth does to you: not much! it's not the terrible, traumatic, difficult trial we have all been lead to believe... or at least, it doesn't have to be. i am so totally myself it's almost scary. in the best way, of course.

i'm going to end this here because i have been writing for DAYS and not published yet; time is precious and i haven't had a whole lot of it. despite this, life is surprisingly unstressful and extremely pleasant... i'm really, really happy. rowan is taking it like an angel, too... she loves the baby and has displayed absolutely no signs of jealousy whatsoever. the darling.

anyway, he's calling me. more when i have time, including photos.

something!!

2010-09-29T16:41:00.004-04:00

well, i am leaking amniotic fluid. apparently that's just what happens first with me. around 315 i got a "real" contraction, felt like i had to use the potty, and when i walked back into the kitchen i was leaking. some of my plug was lost too. so i have been wearing a 'depends'--yes, the old people diapers--since then and there has been a steady leak along with more plug. yum. i've had one or two more real contractions since then, very sporadic.

but YAY! something is happening! he might actually be born on my birthday after all :) :) :)

now to pressure matt into the naming thing when he comes home... luckily debbie is on her way for a visit anyhow so i think i will let her check me for dilation. we'll see.

two posts in one day?

2010-09-28T18:28:00.003-04:00

yes. i am so ready for this baby to get here. there is nothing that i *need* to do anymore... one or two things i'd like to do, which i will do tomorrow barring interference, but nothing pressing or that i really care if i don't do. i'm ready to settle in now.

i've been trying to find some labor-starting rituals (which do not involve any induction) and pretty much coming up blank. these various birthing rituals were interesting, though. i read something in a book (?) about untying all knots when labor starts to make sure nothing is holding it up--i might try wearing my hair down as a "ritual" until he's born... i'm always one for the utilitarian bun (especially at my length, right to the buttcrack!) so it will be sort of a big deal to keep it down. it'll take effort to remember not to whip it up. hm. *untwists her hair this very moment*

seriously though, i sort of thought i would find something--on kooky pagan sites at the very least--but there doesn't seem to much out there. i guess i'll have to do it the old-fashioned way and just get in the belly and try to let him know we're ready for him. it is his call, after all. emotionally i am feeling very calm and relaxed. energetically i'm a little jazzed and being quite productive without being frantic. physically i'm not as tired as i should be, but quite uncomfortable nonetheless. the house is ready, he has clothes and diapers and toys and slings and all that jazz. i think i will lay out my crystals and refine the birthing space with intention tonight... maybe that will help. and i should do some astrological checking to see what we're in for with a baby born over the next two weeks or so! can't believe i haven't done that yet...

hard belly

2010-09-28T07:08:00.003-04:00

so i'm not having "contractions" in general, but the braxton-hicks are getting a bit ridiculous. basically anytime i move, my belly gets hard as a rock and uncomfortable for 20 seconds or so. it's more annoying than anything else, since i can't really move very well with all those muscles tightening up! i just hope this is a positive sign for labor to be soon. i've decided to be ready by tomorrow night... i have a few things to tackle today, then tomorrow will be a doc trip for rowan (way overdue checkup) and a stop at the post office to clear my business responsibilities, and then i'm going to dig in and wait for this baby. nothing else (though i plan to pass the time knitting my nephew's bday present).

thursday is my birthday and i wonder if we'll be weird enough to have 3 generations born on one day, as unlikely as it may be. in my head are those two names i am ready with, one of which will be his assuming matt doesn't pipe in soon. so nothing else should be holding him up after tomorrow. i'm relieved to have all the crap i've been fussing over finally finished!

yesterday rowan discovered mopping. it was really funny watching her squeal with happiness over pushing a (dry) mop across the floor in circles... i think my mom is going to get her a little girl's cleaning set for xmas--just what i need, stereotypes enforced like that. ha! it's funny though, there is a sesame street song called "women can be" or something where these female puppets are singing off-key and with a definite feminist twist about all the things women can be ("women can tame alligators") and rowan hates it. she always wants me to change it when it comes on. but at least i try...

i haven't posted anything about this, but matt is about halfway through the hiring process with the dept of corrections. we don't have a final answer yet but it's looking good; it would be amazing for him to get a "real" job right now. i'm weird about the whole jail-guard thing but matt isn't the type to let it go to his head so i hope it will be fine. we can definitely use the added income and benefits, plus the stability for him... no more hippodrome bullshit/drama.

(i started this post 2 hours ago, and i am now DONE with taking my twink photos and just have to post them! yay!! let's hope rowan keeps napping...)

i realized i am missing a key piece of my "labor supplies" which are all laid out prettily in the bathroom... i have no essential oils in that basket! wtf?? so i'm adding a small thing to my list of to-dos, and that's to make a blend of lavender, ylang-ylang, rosewood, and sage in oil for massage/sniffing during labor. and i need to grab the frankincense resin for burning; it smells so nice and apparently is good for birthing. i am so ready for this. it just occurred to me that in my imagination i am seeing this birth in a very similar way to how i felt about my wedding day beforehand... a big ritual with a lot of significance and forethought put into the unfolding of the actual event (preparing the space, setting the mood, getting myself physically/emotionally ready, looking pretty, etc). it feels the same with this birth. it's the "right" space and everything is working harmoniously to make it something to look forward to... actually, that's it--i'm looking forward to the actual birth and not just the baby. with the wedding, it was all about the event itself, and i guess that's why it feels the same. i imagine this birth as an event in its own right, rather than a way to get a baby when it's over. hm.

i'm crossing my fingers that the weather keeps cooling and the rains subside before he arrives... an outdoor birth is sounding really good lately! :)

waiting

2010-09-26T22:31:00.005-04:00

...might not be the hardest part, but it does suck. yes i know, i'm only 38 weeks and could possibly have another month to go, but it's doubtful. today--and more so right this minute--i feel like he has descended quite a bit. there is an uncomfortable "no" feeling in my pelvis when i try to close my legs and i have developed a distinct waddle as a result... and i have had a few intermittent, painful contractions today. nothing remotely timeable, but definitely not braxton-hicks nonetheless.

i have almost everything i need to do before birth done; the last real thing is to make a batch of lotion tomorrow and then take photos of everything for t.w.i.n.k. and try to get them listed on etsy if possible. other than that, i'm ready. i have chosen two names as of tonight, and if matt won't choose his own so we can discuss it before i go into labor i am ruling him out of the decision-making process and i will sign the birth certificate myself! unless he comes up with something great, which is unlikely but always possible, this boy will be Reid Owen or Liam Wesley. i'm completely torn between the two (baby likes them both).

yesterday was a really crappy day but i'm not going to get into it--mostly hormonal troubles--and today was better. rowan is coming down with a cold, however. she's been sleeping fitfully tonight as a result of her sniffly nose (and probably that other molar that is halfway in!). but as usual, she's in a pleasant mood anyhow and has been totally adorable lately. she learned how to turn around, thanks to her favorite sesame street dance routine, so she walks in these little circles with her head tilted to the side and it's very funny. she's also been really into this monkey doll she has ("oooh oooh") and has been putting him on the potty and helping him put shoes on repeatedly. she seems to have a natural affinity for nuturing... i should mention, though, that she is going through a major MOMMY phase. poor matt has been really making an effort to hang out with her and help out and she rejects him consistently. i try to explain it's not about him--this is totally new and clearly a phase; she has even been doing it to my mom a little bit the few times she's babysat recently--but it still hurts his feelings and makes him think she doesn't care about him. of course that is totally not true, but he wants her to say "daddy!" and run to him when he offers to read her books and she's just not into that at the moment. a few months ago it would've rocked her world, but right now it's all about me. perfect timing, as she's about to have to share my attention with a newborn..! sigh. we've had a few very mild temper flare-ups too, of the sort where she wants me to do X and i won't, so she starts an angry cry and crouches on the ground until i find a way to change the subject. matt suggested this might be the start of the 'terrible twos' and he might just be right. i thank the stars every day that rowan is so mild in general; her "bad" is nothing compared to other kids' i have seen. she's easy even when she's not; i don't have the guts to hope the same of her brother, but i guess we'll see.

this morning we went over to my sister's house and picked up butters' offspring, 18 month old marge (yes, butters and margarine) to take her off their hands; she kept escaping and causing trouble out of loneliness and desire for green grass. so now we have two cows, but only one for milking. and we really think butters is pregnant. we have to get the vet out here to check her out because the last thing i want is for her to calve unexpectedly out in the field... not that they don't do it all the time, but still. i'd like to know if we're getting a new addition! and i think my brother in law is bringing over a few of his unwanted hens to add to our flock too, which is nice. they just have too many and not enough time, so maybe i'll get lucky and one of those hens will go broody in a few months. it is starting to look like i will have incubate the nest of eggs myself, but i'm going to give our hens until friday to sit like i hope they will. also we bred one of the rabbit does on wednesday night so we may have a litter of them next month too! who would've thought fall would bring so many newborns...

nesting, birth music, etc

2010-09-24T11:50:00.002-04:00

i don't actually know if this is "nesting" or just my insanely anal housekeeping standards since moving, but i just now had to be very stern with myself about spending valuable rowan-naptime using cotton balls and nail polish remover to get little drops of dried varnish off the kitchen floor. matt spilled some two months ago and it has mildly annoyed me ever since; i have no idea why i felt like RIGHT NOW was the time to clean it. it's an absurd job and one that can definitely wait--plus he should be doing it anyway! i chalk it up to nesting madness.

a little while ago rowan and i were sitting on the couch reading a book and all of a sudden i felt hot liquid between my legs... a lot of it... and i assumed she was peeing on me... so we got up to change her and then i had about 30 seconds of freaking out because her diaper wasn't really wet! hello water breaking?! panic ensued. thankfully i found a fresh wet spot in the diaper and my soaked shorts definitely smelled like pee, so i'm sure it wasn't amniotic fluid after all. though how she managed to pee around the diaper will never make sense to me. the last thing i want is a broken bag of waters BEFORE i start contracting (again). if it will just hold out until labor starts we'll be fine.

i've been gathering up my "birth music" recently. i find it a satisfying but difficult task, to anticipate what i will want to hear during labor. so i have three playlists: earthy (drum music), loud (tool and stuff i can sing energetically with), and quiet (mostly sigur ros and other wordless/untranslatable ambience). i figure the quiet one will be the mainstay but when i was in early labor with rowan i definitely relied on tool to get me through the nastier bits. suggestions are appreciated :)

at our last visit i told debbie not to bother bringing the birth pool since i have my wonderful bath tub, but i have been rethinking that in terms of: what if it's a really nice day and i want to birth outside? our yard is so private and there are some really nice little shaded areas under the oaks where i think it could be awesome to have a baby. i guess it will all depend on the time of day and the weather--i won't be birthing outdoors at 2am or in 90deg heat--but i'm going to see what she thinks. i saw a birth video once of a woman in a hot tub on a balcony, surrounded by color silks blowing in the wind, and it was absolutely gorgeous. as long as it's private and comfortable, why not outside?

...i just got sidetracked looking up chicken breed stuff. i'm worried big mama was a bad choice for a "sitter" so i may be switching to the australorp since they are supposedly extremely 'broody' (good nesters). now to be sure i know what to do if i have to incubate them myself..!

38 weeks tomorrow

2010-09-23T12:09:00.003-04:00

yesterday really sucked. aside from a lovely visit with debbie, that is. poor rowan was not able (willing?) to nap at all, so she was whiny and cranky and nothing-makes-me-happy--which she never is--all freaking day. and i had stuff to do, which of course she was not having. so she was stressed, i was stressed, and we were both exhausted but couldn't sleep. i had been up all night before that with freakish amounts of energy such that i laid in bed thinking "i should just get up and do stuff" every 2 hours or so. but i didn't, knowing i needed to at least try to sleep... but it didn't make me any less tired yesterday. i was an emotional wreck all day. rowan ended up going to bed around 4pm because she couldn't keep her eyes open, but of course that was really too early, so she woke up frustrated a few times before it got dark out. but she slept through the night after that, to my great surprise.

today is the polar opposite, thank the heavens. she's on her second nap already, and has been cheerful and pleasant and i feel a lot better. i think i slept through the night, too. i've had time to do my chores plus some, get dinner in the crock pot, and even henna my hands and feet. i'm in a great mood.

i've been having some really minor pre-labor signs but they're the kind that can come a week or more before the big day... nothing i really want to get into, but the contractions, energy bursts, and other things are definitely increasing. i just have to make sure not to do anything to disturb the amniotic sac.*

in other news, my morning glories are glorious!! they weren't doing so hot after i twined them up the sides of the stairs; a few strands even died. but now they are back full-force and blooming like mad! so pretty. i wish i had been more successful with the seeds i put in the flower garden... maybe next year.

*the night i had PROM with rowan, i had been deliberately bouncing on my yoga ball in an attempt to start labor. i have always suspected that probably caused the rupture... debbie says i'm probably right. so no trampolines for me, lol.

to do list mostly done!

2010-09-20T09:28:00.003-04:00

i'm talking about the "baby #2 is coming" list i posted a few months ago.

the last couple of things still have time, and honestly i doubt i'll be watching much netflix (though i was thinking of all the hours stuck on the couch nursing and i should probably prep it with rowan in mind!) and my chores list should be fine as it is. i have things pretty well spread out by days.

it has been SO nice out lately, mornings in the 60s--a bit odd considering it's not even technically fall yet--and it's making me totally feel ready for this. i get really happy and all in love with everything when the weather starts to change for fall... perfect time to have a baby, in my opinion. if only he had a name.

i think today i'm going to try to henna my hands and feet. i'm in a really good mood and the house is pretty spotless, so as long as i can distract rowan i should be able to squeeze in some "me" time :)

better today

2010-09-18T19:53:00.005-04:00

i'm feeling a bit better than i was the other day. i think the bedtime thing really got to me and made me freak out about everything else; possibly. possibly not. anyway, today is ok.

i don't know if this had anything to do with it, but i babysat my nephew for a few hours and rowan is just so impossibly sweet to him, even when i am holding him, feeding him a bottle, playing with him, etc... she just wants to kiss him and give him toys. no jealousy whatsoever. i hope it is not just because he is a novelty, but i guess we will see. it gives me some optimism that maybe she won't hate me when the new baby arrives... i had a little epiphany last night--pretty DUH moment, but i needed it--i have been thinking of the new baby coming in and taking rowan's place, in her mind, but it occurred to me that there is no reason for her (or me, or anyone) to see it that way... there is room for everyone. love isn't bounded like that, and i believe that if i let her participate in loving him as much as she wants to, there's no reason it shouldn't be a blissful little group, as opposed to a competition. i realized that i assume a lot about toddler behavior, even when rowan is typically the opposite of the "me-me" child. i think she will LOVE having a little brother around, actually.

after i had this moment of understanding, it also occurred to me that i had inadvertently--or at least subconsciously--pushed his arrival date back. i am now quite unsure when he is going to be born, but i don't think it's as early as i thought. i am feeling october, and trying to undo whatever my anxiety and stress changed... i want him to come when HE is ready, not wait on my silly issues. i've heard of women "holding the baby in" and i don't want to do that. i'm trying to really embrace the image i had the other night of a delighted rowan and a cute little guy in my arms so that he knows we are ready whenever he is. but the name thing i can't do much about, so i hope it's not affecting his readiness.

despite that, last night i had so many contractions i started to seriously consider that i might be in very early labor (like the days-away-delivery kind). but today all is normal, so life goes on. i've got a ton of butter to make today and a pot of yogurt that needs to be distributed, plus laundry, and i should probably make cookies or something for my grandpa's birthday too. as well as cutting and wrapping my latest batch of soaps. plenty to do without going into labor!

i pulled up a bunch of sandspurs this morning already, and i've decided to let the big mama hen sit on a nest. our australorp hen is also laying now, as of last week, so we'll still get one egg a day this way. my plan is for the next two nights to put all the eggs in big mama's nest, to get a head start on filling it, and then go back to collecting one and leaving one every night. when she has enough to sit on, she'll stay. i'm going to mark them "a" and "b" (for australorp and barred rock) so that i know whose were fertilized in case some don't hatch. i chose the big mama barred rock to brood because she is generally friendlier and practically lets me touch her; and she's older. whatever that means. we're also going to breed one of the rabbits tonight or later this week, and plans are in the works to get butters inseminated. her milk supply has dropped by about a quart a day, so it's time to get her pregnant and start a fresh lactation cycle. and matt wants a meat calf anyway. it's finally starting to really cool down, so i think it's safe to let everybody breed...

speaking of which, i'm not sure i ever mentioned my plans for after this baby is born--we're "done" having kids, most likely, and matt wants a vasectomy but i am going to try the copper IUD before i let him do anything permanent. you never know. so; six weeks postpartum or as soon as they will let me, i'm doing it. it's crazy that we went several years without reliable or consistent birth control and no pregnancy, and then all of a sudden i'm pregnant twice in a row at the first incidence of an accident. i definitely don't want to have another accident, and i'm fine with non-hormonal IUDs... i'd love to rely on the FAM but i just can't risk it. we're not ready for three kids.

off to get going on the rest of my chores for the day...

link: the breast-crawl (self-attachment)

2010-09-17T20:15:00.002-04:00

so her posts over at the other side of the glass are often long and not necessarily well-organized, but there are always hefty nuggets of insight and genuine truth in them. this one is no exception, and i got a lot out of reading about what was taken away from her son--as well as herself--during their birth. and the healing that came much later.

it's not all about your experience as the birthing mother... the baby's experience is at least as critical, as s/he is imprinting in ways we probably will never understand. i try to remember that all the time... this homebirth is not just for me. it's for his sake.

to the post

37 weeks today

2010-09-17T19:37:00.003-04:00

*sigh*

i know i should be posting about the pregnancy, but all i can think about is rowan, lately. i have been rather unpleasantly emotional recently and i think i am mourning our loss of one-on-one time that is soon to come. i feel guilty for having another baby, in part, and in part i just really don't want it to end. i will miss being with just her and participating in every little thing that pops into her head. it makes me really sad that i know i will be only half-there for her basically from now on. it's not fair, it's too soon, I MISS HER ALREADY and i feel so bad for what i imagine is equivalent to abandoning her... this issue is overshadowing everything else for me at the moment. i know i am overreacting but there is a little bit of truth under there somewhere.

in addition, we've been trying out the toddler bed the last two nights, and to say that it has gone badly would be a massive understatement. she HATES it, and works herself into such a frenzy that even after i have given up and put her in the crib, she still cries hysterically for a good long while. i'm not sure what the issue is, as she loves the thing by all appearances... she plays on it, and pretends to sleep, and will lay there happily as long as it isn't bed or nap time. but the point is, i think i am giving up for now. she's obviously not ready and we are both upsetting ourselves for the last few weeks we have alone; over something stupid. yes, i want her to sleep in the toddler bed ASAP but not at the expense of happiness and additional stress in our lives. she's already going to have to deal with an interloper, so i'd rather just keep bedtime nice and easy and put the baby in the spare bedroom for a while later, if i have to. he'll be in our room for 2 months or so anyway... (i sound like i am being really defensive, and maybe i am... this is a sort of failure, i guess, because i am giving up after two days. but right now i just don't have the emotional endurance to let to her wail for any reason or any length of time.)

as for the pregnancy, i don't really know what to say. i'm in my "window" as of today. he's in there, squirmy, and presumably getting ready to move down soon. no, we have no name yet. it fucking sucks.

i'm a little... frustrated... with my midwife also, which isn't really her fault. i guess i expect others to listen and remember things as well i as do, but no one really ever does (save half-a-handful of really good friends over the years). when i explained that i didn't want her to bring an assistant unless she REALLY has to, we discussed having karen--madame doula--serve as assistant since i don't need a coach or advocate for myself with this birth. she was all about it. we specifically discussed who i didn't want to be her assistant--someone i work with and also don't know very well--and she was fine with that. but today, after not showing up to our visit (my fault for missing a "let's reschedule" phone message earlier in the week), she calls me and mentions she wants to bring the very person i didn't want to our next visit since she will be her likely assistant. i had to re-explain myself over the phone and now i feel like an ass because i couldn't phrase it right and i'm sure i sounded whiny. i just really thought i fully explained that i need to have NO OUTSIDERS at this birth. none. unless it's an emergency.

so... add that irritation/guilt/stress to my tears for rowan, and sprinkle it with a little matt-is-cranky-today, and you get a big pot of soupy, sniffly, pathetic rhiannon.

at least i got a nap today.

blog changes

2010-09-13T14:07:00.002-04:00

i think i have decided to start posting my "farm blog" entries here, since the things i do around here with regards to animals and gardening and food have as much to do with parenting/child rearing as anything else. and since my pregnant days will shortly be over (probably for good), it's time to morph a little bit...

i'll be rearranging the links on the right but i don't plan to delete anything and will certainly be incorporating the links from the farm blog as well. all the pregnancy/birth info will continue to be linked... i'm too into birth to stop fussing about it even if i never have another of my own! :)

i'll make some new labels for the new topics as i start to post entries that apply. i hope you will find some of my recipes and whatnot useful...

36 weeks

2010-09-12T21:38:00.002-04:00

i haven't posted in a while because there was a half-written post i was sitting on--a whine/rant/freak-out about how everyone else was freaking out about the homebirth--that i have decided not to post after all. i'm over it and i don't want to talk about it. i have not wavered for a second over my decision and matt is supportive, and that's all that matters. everything else is speculation and possibility and that's where it should be left. we'll deal with what happens when it happens.

in the meantime, rowan has had her first shower and been to the beach. the shower surprised me because she loved it; i assumed the water spraying her head and face would be too much, but she played and yelled and had a great old time. very cute. the beach was a birthday party for two of her second cousins, and even with a 2.5 hour drive each way with a car full of my family (and infant nephew), and no nap, she was all smiles and silliness the whole day. she really really liked the sand and even the waves, amazingly. i guess her timidity is less than i have come to believe...

she also had a visit from "nana and pops" (matt's dad/wife) which was a lot of fun for her. they took us to blue springs and she squealed about all the kids diving from a platform into the frigid water. she learned to say "spider" thanks to pops. just what i need, little rowan pointing out every bloody spider she sees out here in the woods... *shudder* she's really working on her vocabulary lately and she is outgrowing shoes like it's nobody's business. size 5 as of two weeks ago and already getting tight! i can also clip her hair up into a little twisty-thing at the back, which is totally cute. matt says i need to cut her bangs but i'm not into the idea.

mr. nameless second baby is growing, too, and i am somewhat uncomfortable a lot of the time as a result. he's quite high and never changes position--just pokes his feet out my right side and punches down in my bladder--but the braxton-hicks are starting to suck now that he's nearly birthing size. there isn't much more room left for him. i look pretty weird though because i'm basically all belly and normal everywhere else. i had such a crappy time with rowan's pregnancy, but thankfully this time has been easy. the only thing that has really sucked the past few days is that i have been having some kind of reflux problem when i lay down... i'm never, ever hungry anymore because i think my stomach is completely compressed by his butt and feet (depending on the moment) and it would seem that my digestive system has basically stopped, because at 4pm today i was tasting breakfast. and when i lay down i feel nauseous and/or as if the contents of my stomach are pushing their way out-through-the-in-door. pretty gross and uncomfortable. but i still have no swelling, no arthritis, practically no leg cramps (i think i've had two actually present), no painful feet, and no general fatness. i'd even say the urinary... issues... of pregnancy are the same if not less than they were the first time; that surprises me. so if i dare to hope that the birth will reflect the 10-month journey, this might actually go pretty well.

i've got all my supplies on-hand (except a fish net, LOL)* and i was excited to be able to order three single bendable straws for $.05 each from the site where i got the stuff. so much nicer to say "hmm, i only need two adult diapers" rather than spending $15 on a package or buying a whole birth kit. i have so much stuff already that i only needed to order like $10 worth of supplies. they also sell fetoscopes and hemoglobin analyzers and things like that, for the unabirthers who want equipment.

so... my "window' commences on friday. yikes! but i guess until he drops i shouldn't be too worried. i still need to kick matt into fixing the cradle *growl* and probably clean 25 more times, but otherwise we're ready. i'd like to henna my hands and feet one of these days too. and pull some of the sandspurs out of the yard before they go to seed... and probably make a decision on what his name is going to be!! i think i have three finalists but two are untested and i'm really leaning towards #1. i guess i should post them, since i've been so secretive about the name thing thus far. possible names:
1) reid owen
2) lane matthew
3) cullen ?wood?
... not sure about the middle name on #3. i also like "flynn matthew" but flynn means red-faced and i don't want to curse him like that. and now matt just walked in and is talking with someone on the phone about names. time to pressure him :)

*if you don't know why a fish net is important for a home/water birth, you don't want to. if you do, you know why i am laughing. ah, bodily functions.

i'm tired.

2010-08-27T12:04:00.000-04:00

we've had an eventful few days, i think. tuesday my mom and i went and got rowan her last set of free photos (my one-year membership with the company ended):

such a big girl lately

...which meant a trip to the mall and, since we were in gville anyway, target. i got a mattress for the toddler bed and a potty chair for little miss. she LOVES the new bed--all set up with her cute dragonfly sheet set--though she hasn't slept on it yet. she has, however, figured out how to safely dismount from it, even if she can't get up onto it herself yet. so far she likes to pretend to sleep on it and put her baby doll to sleep on it. at least she gets the idea.

the potty is a hit too, to my delight and surprise! the first time i put her on it she strained to produce two drops of pee, and i was shocked. we've been sitting on it several times a day, either when i have a hunch or just because... yesterday after her nap she started farting, so i whisked her in there and she pooped on the potty quite happily! i was really, really happy about that (especially since we are back to 100% cloth diapers, lol). we made a big fuss and she seemed to get it, sort of. i'm not attached to the idea that she knows what's up or will continue to do it, i'm just riding the luck for now. no need to get serious with something that i want her to be comfortable about.

wednesday we spent the day at my late great-grandmother's home, helping to make some of her possessions disappear. i brought home a recliner for our now-complete living room (we have two places to sit!), a totally awesome, seriously vintage sewing table with built in sewing machine, some quirky 1960s drinking glasses, and a bunch of bakeware. tomorrow we're picking up a spare bed and a table and chairs for outdoors. and an upright vacuum. i felt like i had been to a great flea market and scored stuff at the best price ever... despite the pangs of seeing pics of my grandmother about the place. i have to say though, i know she would want family to take everything we can before the estate sale gives it to strangers. after "shopping" most of the day, i came home and organized/rearranged furniture and stuff to fit it all in. one of my most favorite things to do (really).

yesterday... i did something yesterday but i can't really remember now. rowan hasn't been going to bed well lately. tonight it took me FIVE tries to get her to accept bedtime--no idea why. last night was not as bad, but bad enough. oh, yesterday was the milking injury, that's right. to summarize: the cow barely missed stomping on my belly. it sucked a lot. and it (all) still hurts. also yesterday rowan surprised me with her ability to follow instructions... she was wandering the living room, and i asked her very specifically to: come into the kitchen, pick up daddy's socks (which she had left there), and put them in mommy's room; and she did it! i didn't have to repeat myself. multi-part instructions are mastered :). later, she was watching the grover disco DVD while i cleaned the laundry room, and they were doing this silly dance when i heard her squealing, so i came out and hid behind the couch to watch her actually do all the steps from a seated position! it was unbelievable. i mean, yes, she knows all those body parts and whatnot, but to see her to it right, and on cue, was amazing. she would twist back and forth instead of turning around, and she tilted her head instead of falling down, but she clearly knew what she was doing. needless to say, we sang that song all day so i could watch her do it over and over. lol.

i had wacky dreams last night that i don't want to get into, and today i baked a slew of items; sourdough pretzels, two loaves of bread, one loaf of sourdough. and i made yogurt. i need to make butter again--cream is piling up. we have too much milk. this morning rowan and i went with my mom to help her clean her church, and rowan slipped on the freshly-mopped floor and slammed her head on it... it was traumatic. in the bath tonight, she stood up (which i am always bitching at her about) and slipped, and went fully under the water for a second, on her back. that is an image i fear i will never get out of my head... she was staring up in panic through the water, somehow knowing not to breathe in but unable to help herself up. she would have drowned in no time at all if i hadn't been right there to yank her up. it was really fucking scary... i'm getting upset just remembering it.

blah. so today is over, and i am tired. i think i'm going to sleep now and hope i don't have any dreams... i'd rather just pass out cold for once. unfortunately that is highly unlikely. *sigh*

still 33 weeks

2010-08-23T19:43:00.003-04:00

matt spent all weekend mowing and clearing out the extremely overgrown sections of the yard that could be better utilized in the future; it looks great! no more piles of dead branches and 5ft high weeds near the chicken coop or within 100ft of the house. i did my part by weeding my "flower beds" around the front door, and now i just have to hit it with the weed-whacker to get the tall grass down. i even planted a crape myrtle and a rose bush :)

i realized he's nesting, in his own way. when i was getting close to rowan's due date, he canned a million things and grew us a huge garden. along with completing all the in-house projects i needed him to do, like flooring the nursery and whatnot. this time, as our home is shiny and new, he's focusing on prepping for more animals. we've got the chickens, the rabbits, and the cow, and now he's ready for sheep and/or goats. which means he needs to build a barn! hence the clearing perfectly good yard space. it's sort of fun to watch, honestly, because he gets out of character in the sense that he wants to go out and do all this stuff and gets excited about it, rather than doing it because he has to (and is neurotic about staying busy).

i had a midwife visit today, totally uneventful. she has a lot of really pretty tattoos; butterflies and flowers and an angel, and things like that. apparently her hubby is a tattoo artist--he does nice delicate work. i might call him up in the future... back to the baby, he's been sticking his feet out the right side of my belly all day and i can actually feel them! little feet! it's so funny. rowan almost always felt like an indistinct blob in there, but i really notice each part of this little guy. my weight is higher than i would have guessed it is, as i don't really look "fat" like i was with rowan. but maybe that was just the significant swelling i had last time around..?

debbie did bring up something i hadn't thought of at all, at our last visit: we need a hurricane backup plan. yes, it is florida and hurricane season... and i live in a mobile home... um... so i guess we'll be at my mom's if there is a bad storm during labor. she also mentioned that hurricanes, or any quick drop/change in barometric pressure has a notable effect on causing people to go into labor. i'd never heard that before, so i looked it up later, and despite what lay-people think, studies have actually shown that it DOES have an effect! PROM is the main thing that happens, but these days that basically means delivery the same day. so i'm really hoping this danielle storm doesn't come near us, because i am close enough to my due date to worry about crap like that. and after my dream the other night... ugh.

anyway. matt just turned off the mower so i think it's time for dinner. oh and rowan's bedtime problems seem to be just about resolved... she complains for about 30 seconds now at naptime and it's over. bedtime is back to normal. i have no idea what was going on, but i guess she's over it.

33 weeks

2010-08-21T09:17:00.003-04:00

for the last few weeks i've found myself counting towards my "window" (37-42 weeks) instead of my due date, because i really have a hunch this guy is going to be a september baby. i've certainly been wrong before, but i just don't see him holding on through 40 weeks. he's not like rowan, always taking her time and not wanting to rush things... so my "window" is in 4 weeks.

i had a dream about him the other night, that he came super early--like 34ish weeks or so--"just so we could see him" (but he weighed over 6lbs and was perfectly healthy). i remember saying 'but how are we going to get him back in to finish gestating??' and we realized he wasn't going back, but since he seemed totally fine we decided not to tell anyone he was premature. he was fully dressed and still had the cord attached, and he looked just like my nephew. i assume that was my brain associating all preemies with kai, and using that to fill in the blank of what our little guy will look like. it was interesting though, because with rowan i always had those dreams about her poking through my very-thin belly skin so that we could see her before she was born; with him, he's just popping out early to say hi. I JUST WISH HE HAD A NAME ALREADY!

i'm starting to feel the afternoon sleepies recently, and if i stand up too fast my belly objects pretty loudly. but other than that i'm still normal; no swelling, no aching feet, no arthritis, no waking up 100x a night to pee (though i do pee a lot)... this pregnancy has been really easy. i know i painted the living room at 38 weeks or something with rowan, but even so, this time around i am much less burdened and monstrous than i was. i do have that wretched pain in my butt that tweaks itself every now and then when i move a certain way, but otherwise i feel great.

i don't know if i already mentioned this, but i've decided to attempt to double-produce milk once he arrives. it can't hurt rowan to have breastmilk again (though i won't nurse her--she's a "big girl" and will need all the reminders she can get), and i do have a decent electric pump, so why not? my production before wasn't overwhelming, but i'm going to see what i can do this time around.

she's still not napping despite being exhausted, though thankfully bedtime was fine last night. *sigh* gotta go get her up for the third time this morning...

sleepytime woes

2010-08-19T19:00:00.003-04:00

good GODDESS this has been tough lately. for the past several days, every single time rowan has to go to sleep, whether it's nap or bedtime, she immediately poops a horrid mess that leaves her shouting (if not crying for real) and after i change her, doesn't want to sleep. we've had no naps--none--for two or three days. and bedtime tonight and last night; don't get me started. i'm starting to stress about the whole newborn-on-the-way thing... nevermind having to milk the cow before dark...

i don't know why this is going on, unless she has another bug of some kind :\. i'm hoping it only lasts a few days. we'll see...

oh, she's also learned (finally) that she can stand up in the crib and play at will. so every time i go in there to get her she's up and messing with whatever she can reach! it's actually pretty cute, and she stays entertained for longer after she wakes up nowadays, which is kinda nice. mom says next comes trying to climb out, so i'm glad we've got that toddler bed waiting to be slept on.

slings and such

2010-08-15T19:31:00.003-04:00

i can't remember if i posted anything about this back then, but there was a time when rowan was just getting too heavy for the baby bjorn (which we used many times a day!) and i wanted to wear her on my back... but i had a lot of trouble with it. i could find instructions but had no good fabric, or the wraps were just too complicated to pull off quickly, or she would get grumpy, etc... so i've been planning ahead for the little guy since i know i will need my hands free as much as possible. i've got fabric i plan to use, and i added some wrap instructions for baby wearing in the parenting links on the right.

i have a very long piece of heavy jersey knit that should be perfect for fall/winter when he's born, and my favorite wrap so far--untested, mind you--is the newborn "burp" carry (yes, it's in greek but pictures are worth 1000 words). i am very excited at the freedom and cuddliness that wrap seems to afford. the bjorn was always a little impersonal (though rowan never minded) and the ring slings were hit or miss depending on her mood and mine. i'm banking on the wraps from here on, though i will be keeping the bjorn for backup (and matt). and since it will be cold out, neither me nor the baby will probably mind having the extra fabric wrapped around us.

in other news, today i brought our dogs back to the breeder/rescue vet lady from whom we originally got them. matt and i are both feeling shitty, guilty, and missing them :(. it really sucks. but we really had no choice about it...

yay for being productive!

2010-08-13T09:09:00.005-04:00

yesterday i managed to make that "car bag" i was talking about, thanks to some quickly-improvised sewing and scrap fabric i had lying around (and my mom entertaining rowan while i worked). it came out pretty cute though of course i rushed it and thus some of my seams are messy. but hey, it's a car bag...

i'm thinking i might put in a divider to more easily separate baby stuff and rowan stuff, instead of just having a huge single pocket to lose things in. we'll see. yesterday i also sorted out more baby boy clothes and have arranged the dresser in rowan's room to accommodate both of their clothing and cloth diaper sets (just barely!) which makes me very happy. his drawer is organized by size, so i know where to find the stuff that will actually fit him.

this morning so far i have finished a batch of yogurt, put dinner in the crock pot, started a loaf of sourdough, done 2 loads of laundry, dealt with the animals, and thawed out some henna (which i *hope* to use later in my hair later today). weee! yes, rowan has taken a nap :)

i have been thinking about what it will mean to "nest" when my home is already clean and prepared for baby... i figure it has something to do with my constant kitchen undertakings. i am getting ready to channel all that energy into twink to crank out products over the next week or so... but that is the kind of thing i just can't do with rowan around--i need to focus 100%--so i will have to plan ahead.

...and munchkin just woke, so i gotta go rescue her.

32 weeks tomorrow

2010-08-12T09:25:00.004-04:00

so poor little rowan is YET AGAIN battling some crazy rash-inducing diarrhea, complete with screaming fits in the middle of the night and lots of messy diaper-changes in the dark. no idea why. but her canines decided not to come in yet and instead she got a first molar(?!) the other day! i'm hoping the diarrhea is just teething, but i'm keeping my radar on.

last night i got bit by a tick! it was really creepy; i'm not a fan of arachnids in general, and i've never been bit by a tick before. had a few crawlies on me once, when we first took in our previously-stray cat neki about 5 years ago, but i managed to get them off before they could get me. this time i had to have picked it up while milking the cow. both experiences were a little bit scarring. i don't mind bugs, as a rule, but little spidery, vampiric black things are on my short list of no-likeys. i'm now on the lookout for any funny symptoms, just in case.

we've been given a bunch of really cute hand-me-down boy clothes from my sister, and a massive bag of cloth diapers that fit newborn-through-rowan-sized babies--yay!! i have enough g-diapers for a little baby up to 14lbs or so, and then some dappies for a slightly larger baby, but bigger than that i have yet to purchase any; we've been surviving off matt's mom's welcome contributions of amazon.com's seventh generation diapers. those are the best disposables. of course as soon as i switch back to cloth rowan gets horrid diarrhea again... lol. i tell myself it's a good refresher for the breastmilk poo-soup that my little guy will offer up soon enough.

i have a lot to do in the next month or so, and i'm starting to get very slightly stressed out about not doing all of it yet. we don't actually have a spare bag to leave in the car, but i am thinking i will sew one up real quick since i do have a ton of heavy fabric available... but more than anything i have a lot of stuff to stock up on for twink as we are going to be vending in the gainesville citizen's coop when they open this fall, and i don't want to have to worry about it with a newborn! i just haven't had time to get cracking the way i want to, and it's weighing on me. i need to ask my mom to take rowan for a day so that i can focus and work non-stop. i'm also wondering what sort of "homebirth kit" i will need in terms of supplies, b/c i need to get that taken care of too. and lots of freezer yogurt and homemade nutri-grain bars for rowan for quick postpartum snacks for her. so much to do, so little time...

at least my babysitting stint is over this week..! i will have a LOT more time soon.

***TMI WARNING*** ***DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW***
i have been having crazy sexual dreams recently, which is basically normal for me in the pregnant state. but last night something interesting happened during a coital encounter that wasn't a dream: i won't say "copious amounts," but a good bit of a strange clear fluid expelled itself from me during the moment-of-most-fun. this has never happened before, and at first i was embarrassed to think it was a result of urinary incontinence, but 1) it had no smell and 2) it was totally clear. then i was worried it might be amniotic fluid gushing away in a very PROM, but again, 1) it had no smell. this morning the sheets--in the wash now--still smelled like nothing and no stain. and i'm not leaking nor has my belly deflated. so wtf was that?? i'm so confused...
***END TMI WARNING***

bumps on the head

2010-08-10T19:20:00.002-04:00

the last two days have been pretty rough on little rowan's head. i can't actually count all the times she's fallen lately--new legs mean new perils--but yesterday she really hit the floor. my cousin's kid was being a little too wild and rowan was chasing him around the kitchen, and somehow she ended up tripping over her feet to land head first. she cried and cried, the poor thing, and when she had finally stopped crying her nose oozed blood! it was a little scary until i realized it was already done actively bleeding by the time it came out. she had a budding pink unicorn horn until this morning when it faded into a barely visible bruise.

today she was being all sorts of 'big stuff' climbing in and out of her blue plastic pool all by herself at my mom's house... until she miscalculated something and landed forehead-to-cheek on the concrete patio. we weren't fast enough to save her, and she actually got a little bit of a scrape in both places along with some nasty bruises. she really is tough, considering how much that must have hurt; she only cried for a minute (though it was intense). she looks awful though, very banged-up :(

i really do not like it when she gets hurt. sorry for stating the obvious, but whatever.

making progress with names

2010-08-09T14:08:00.002-04:00

finally! the other night out of nowhere (not that i haven't mentioned it almost daily) matt pulled my list of names off the fridge and starting crossing them off one by one and commenting on how bad they were. hahaha. he doesn't realize i put half of them on there just so he has something to cross off and criticize otherwise i'd risk losing some good ones to his silliness! so we're down to about 13 good ones, half of which aren't even that good. and he was looking up more names on his own online later that night. i'm encouraged.

all of my favorites are still on there, and we even agreed on a new one that wasn't on my list :). i can only hope a decision is near... he's obviously thinking about it, which is really all i wanted.

i will be in my "window" in under 6 weeks...

daily life

2010-08-06T18:36:00.003-04:00

...is getting in the way of me completing the post-midwife-meeting post! i have it more than half-written but i need time to pull links to finish it properly. i hope to get to it tomorrow if not tonight.

in other news, the cow came home last weekend and is providing us with tasty fresh milk every day. it's oddly satisfying to milk a cow (and oddly similar to using a breast pump and watching with pride as the bottles fill up). it is, however, hot as b a l l s out here, even late in the evening, and so the process of actually milking her is pretty strenuous. i'm not sure i've ever sweat so much. and i keep forgetting that i'm 8 months pregnant until someone--usually my dad--gives me some crap about how i 'shouldn't be doing' this or that. i just don't feel the overwhelming blah i had with rowan when i was this late. i feel like myself, and even my belly doesn't seem to get in my way as much as i remember with her. my weight gain is less with this baby but i am surprised that would make such a difference in how i feel. back to the cow/milk thing--i've got some nice recipes on the farm blog and i think i am starting a "frugal tip" series when i think of neat stuff to share.

he is kicking the crap out of me though. several times a day i get gasp-inducing jabs that really hurt! something just makes me think he is not going to wait for his due date.

i think i quit the chiro... not just b/c he's vertex (if he still is) but b/c i'm not convinced it is helping my weird butt pain at all, and everyone tells me it's "addicting" anyway. i just don't feel any different when i leave his office than when i walk in, other than the squirmy leftover i-hate-being-cracked feeling in my fingers. so i dunno.

rowan's ear is officially better as of the doc visit today, after 10 days of antibiotics. hate that, but at least she's better. she's going through a sort of bratty phase though, just testing me all the time with things she knows she isn't allowed to do (opening the toilet lid, touching breakables at my mom's, throwing food on the floor, etc) AND she is so freaking picky with food lately. stuff she loves she will totally refuse to eat just because. it's driving me nuts, honestly, but i tell myself it's just the terrible twos coming early. i guess now is better than later..? she's not even really "bratty," per se, just a little stinker once or twice a day. it's annoying more than anything else. but to counteract that, she has started giving kisses and blowing kisses in addition to her abundant hugs (complete with back rubbing/patting), so it's hard to really get mad at her. manipulative little rat.

still no name, but i'm grilling matt daily. it's way past time to know his name!!

drama and resolution

2010-08-03T09:29:00.002-04:00

i got a call yesterday around 530pm from sarah, sounding upset, to inform me that she was "corrected" regarding the situation with my required consult: i DO need to go see the OB, and good luck getting him to sign off on my homebirth. whatever she thought she heard about a letter and him checking out my chart in lieu of a visit was a misunderstanding. i told her i figured as much and i'd sort it out (though i didn't really care as debbie was on her way over to meet us that very moment).

about debbie; she is my dream midwife. has kids of her own (one homebirth), totally hands-off, straightforward no-nonsense common sense type chick. she's not flaky or hippieish--not that that usually bothers me--and she seems pretty much unflappable. head screwed on tight, if you know what i mean. but very personable, sarcastic, and open about her religious leanings and "faith-based" practice.* she's passionate about VBAC and does them practically for free as a "mission." as for all the little snags in my plans according to the birth center, she laughed. and i learned a few things.

apparently the law in florida, which i linked before and will do again here, is open for interpretation. after reading it again more carefully, i tend to agree with her. i learned that the protocol for "no homebirth without hemoglobin at 11g/100ml" is not the law; it's birth center protocol. as is the rule which basically ruined my last birth experience, the bit about only getting 24 hours to labor with ruptured membranes. the law says you have 12 hours to START labor after rupture. yes there are laws about progression of dilation and descent (the absurdity of having laws dictating how quickly your cervix can dilate is just baffling) which would likely have fucked me anyway, but it would have been nice to know just whose rules i was being subjected to. totally unrelated, the words "failure to progress" are so incredibly disheartening and borderline offensive that i really feel they should be stricken from official use. what a mindfuck that one was... something like "arrest of labor" due to unfavorable circumstances would be a hell of a lot more appropriate. oh well, i am preaching to the choir.

anyway things with her are going great--it has taken me a week to finish this post so i've now seen her twice--and i really think she's the right midwife for us. she may not bring an assistant, which is totally fine with me, considering i'd rather keep the circle tight and have her use karen if she needs someone.

i've completely lost my train of thought but i think this post is finished so i'm publishing it now!

*i'm kind of amused that the midwife i feel i am somehow meant to have is clearly christian. i am, as you probably know by now, very non-christian and while i'm used to being around it, it makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable most of the time... but not with her. she never asked whether we believe, and she only referred to god with a capital-g (so i can't actually say for sure whether she's christian or something else), and i just didn't get that you-don't-believe-thus-you-are-damned sense from her. and honestly, i'd rather have her tell me that god is telling her to take us to the hospital than that we ran out of time or some number isn't reading just right...

trauma revisited: reflections

2010-07-31T10:42:00.003-04:00

"labor and birth unfold within a
complex, infinite web,
Spun by the mother,
And by everyone who has ever taught her
about mothering, birth, sexuality, pain,
control, and surrender.
All the people at her birth
helped spin the web with threads from
their histories, beliefs, experiences, fears...
and recent birth experiences that they have witnessed,
which empowered
or terrified them."
-pam england, birthing from within, p.151

i'll start there. last night i learned that matt has no idea that i still suffer from what happened with rowan's birth (i really hate calling it a "birth"). we were on a different subject, about taking babies to the chiropractor, actually, and he started ranting about what a fad things like that are, that we've been around for thousands of years without chiropractors and kids don't need that, and it's all a bunch of hippie crap just like this homebirth thing--he apparently feels that a lot people want homebirths because it's the "in" thing and not because they think it's safer, etc... so naturally i said "well i hope you know i am not one of those people" (whether they exist in reality or not) "because having been at rowan's birth i would think you know perfectly well why i won't let that happen again." his response has been lost in my memory because part of the sentence contained the following phrase, which wiped out anything else he might have said:

"you couldn't give birth"

there is no way for me to describe how it felt to hear him say that. when i recovered my powers of speech, i told him how much it hurt and how that IS THE PROBLEM and how i let everyone else make the decisions and push me into things i should have refused, and he said a few key things (after explaining he did not mean that i was defective or incapable, but that the cord issues made it impossible for me to birth her. irrelevant as far as i am concerned--which is another problem for me.):
- he said that i was "blaming everybody else" for the interventions (meaning they were necessary and i shouldn't be regretting them)
- and then he said that it "wasn't my fault" (i hear: my body just couldn't do it)
- and something about how if we had been at home we might not have known about cord issues, etc, and it might have been worse.

my emotional response to all this misunderstanding on his part is that i failed to educate him properly on what really happened, what should have happened, and what could have happened. i realized later that the only time he has heard me talk about rowan's birth (and its effect on me) was 48hrs post-hospital, when we "debriefed" with our midwife. i was distraught then, understandably, but he has never known that i continued to be distraught ever since. i feel... sad... that i never talked to him about it, that he didn't know, and now cannot understand why i feel the way i do about homebirth and the rest of it. i think he thinks i'm just being stubborn. he has no idea how much of 'me' is spent thinking about birth. he has told me that he doesn't think i'm passionate about anything--when i argued that birth is my passion, he had no idea what i was talking about. i guess in the process of having a baby and having the economic responsibilities fall solely on him (read: he's always working, like it or not), i stopped sharing his really important part of myself with him. or maybe i just didn't want to say it out loud, and now it's too late to try to help him understand. tomorrow night, when we talk to debbie, will be enlightening for him. if it doesn't just make him think i'm more of an emotional nutcase than he already knows i am.

in labor with rowan i was surrounded by people who have seen the good and the bad of birth, but people whose strongest emotion, for the most part, was worry. my parents were a mess. matt was in pain himself and worried about me. the midwife is a generally sort of worried person. karen and the birth assistant were the only calm, confident ones there--both of whom have given birth several times. (my mom is the queen of worries, birth-experienced* or not.) i don't blame any of them for anything, but the atmosphere does reflect who is in it.**

control was an issue. i think i have addressed this before. i wanted, dreamed, imagined, etc that my birth would be totally without control--that it would happen, and i would ride the wave and become birth without steering or being guided by anything but my instincts. oh, how wrong i was. i didn't know just how restrictive the "minor" rules would be; take this castor oil now, doppler every few minutes, BP/heart rate check every few minutes, time to get out of the tub, time to eat something, PUSH, time's up we're going to the hospital... then control really got involved. i had none. i wanted none, but i most definitely didn't want them to have it, either. i wanted to be at nature's mercy, and i experienced the absolute polar opposite.

i have always been good at surrender. i am by no means a submissive person, but i am more than capable of "letting go" in terms of allowing for gray-areas, releasing tensions, living in limbos of various kinds, with questions unanswered or unasked... which i think helped me manage contractions, and that's it. i was totally relaxed and letting the pain wash over me without holding on to it, but it was that same willingness to NOT FIGHT IT that allowed so many things to go askew with my experience. how was i supposed to give in to the pain and yet argue with my midwife in between contractions? i am not afraid of vulnerability--in fact i value it greatly, at times--but i have learned that it is a slippery slope in labor, with attendants you don't know well enough. my willingness to trust others to be around me at birth is greatly lessened, because i realized that some people, wonderful as they may be, will tend to take advantage whether they mean to or not. i speak of family as well as professionals, here.

i have learned something else as well; what i think is the most important answer to "why did this happen to me?" (other than the zen-master truth 'because it did' which is perfectly valid)... i've learned, very recently, that the most important third of my being, in terms of birthing a child, was absent for rowan's labor. i have never been a very physical person--i lack the strong "embodiment" of most other people, in my own opinion. call it a libra thing (which it is, often), i just don't have a solid grounding anchor to my corporeal self. i'm all emotions and mind, thinking and feeling, and not a whole lot of doing or being. i never have been. the very physical, "real," knitty-gritty bits of existence just don't hold my interest or preference very much. i don't really like my body--it does embarrassing things (just like everyone else's)--and i'm typically more than happy to forget i have to maintain it and deal with it. during rowan's labor, i was out of my body. not literally--it wasn't an OOBE--but i had definitely 'checked out' in my management of contractions, and i never checked back in, even when i needed to most. i had a single urge to push, at a moment when i was totally relaxed in the tub with only karen and/or matt (i can't remember which). that was the moment my body said "oh hey, we're in labor, let me help" before it was promptly ignored again by the other two parts of me that were preoccupied with their own shit. my brain had spent 10 months analyzing and planning and choosing what/where/who/how and my heart had invented a fantasy birth chock-full of spiritual musings, candles, and wonderment, and in the midst of all that, my body--specifically my uterus and vagina--were left out in the cold. yes i did kegels, but come on. i did NO work towards integrating my body or even really focusing on the fact that its role was worth my time. my dreams of having babies i couldn't recall birthing speak to the effect this metaphysical separation had. as does the actual event of her birth, with me numb(ish) and someone else doing it for me. i went into her birth with too many ideas and hopes and not nearly enough CAN DO and physical, visceral knowing. and i had far, far too much anxiety about ending up at the hospital.

if you had asked me, as a midwife once did, what my biggest fear of birth was, i would have said ending up at the hospital. maybe i'd have said a c-sect, but i don't think so. i was so unspeakably horrified at the thought of the hospital that i could not allow myself to consider that it might happen. i was in total denial because the possibility was crushing. i see now what a weakness that was, and though i knew it to be so then also, it paralyzed me at the time. i think a little bit of connecting with my body might have changed that a lot. it sounds strange, but i've always been squeamish about watching births on film--i could never handle crowning or what follows--and even through my pregnancy with rowan it was too much for me to see. i get grossed out by bodily things (castor oil was a terrible way for me, especially, to begin labor)... they make me uncomfortable. but i feel "in" my body this time. i feel like a woman, like a mammal designed for vaginal expulsion of offspring, and i'm not disgusted by that. i'm empowered by it, in fact. unashamed. my hips will open, my vagina 'will get huge'**, and i will produce a baby from between my thighs, covered in blood, vernix, and whatever else needs to accompany him. i don't say this to fool myself into feeling ok with it--like i did last time--i say it with conviction and even, shockingly, pride.

i will end with this quote, which is so profoundly related to birth i don't really know what else to say about it, except perhaps that i was very nearly destroyed by what i did not bring forth...

"if you bring forth that which is within you,
what you bring forth will save you.
if you do not bring forth that which is within you,
what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
- gospel of st. thomas

i hate to say that i am looking for salvation in this birth, but i would be lying if i didn't say it. my only fear now is what will happen to me as a human, as a mother, and as a wife, if i don't do it right this time.

*my own birth, according to my mother, was a scary labor because she was young and inexperienced, but it was short (~8h) and uncomplicated except that the doc used his hands as forceps to deliver just my face so that i could breathe, since the placenta was separating early. i doubt that i carry any birth trauma of my own that i need/ed to relive, but who knows. i was not separated from her, she breastfed me, and she labored without any drugs.

**despite the above, i believe that matt will be a good partner in labor, present and supportive, barring any sudden toothaches. he has seen the worst of me already and that makes him safe. karen too, has seen it all for me and for other laboring women, and i trust her on every level. anyone else in my space will be heavily scrutinized before the moment arrives.

**thanks, ina may.

good news and herbal stuff

2010-07-30T17:53:00.007-04:00

little mister has turned himself around (yay!). i'm not totally willing to give credit to the chiro, since *most* babies turn by 32 weeks anyway, but it couldn't have hurt. mister is posterior, however, so we just need to hope he rotates in place or i might be in for a really nasty labor :). but better than breech! last night i put the headphones down below my belly bulge and he went crazy kicking and punching, and i could feel him trying to get down there closer to it. i was playing mice parade, as it was the only happy/pleasant music on matt's mp3 player at the moment. he seemed to have liked it.

sarah was great today, and really glad to hear that debbie is coming by to meet us. i knew she wouldn't be hurt or anything, because i have been up front from the beginning, but i still felt bad... she agreed with my hunch that the BC is just not going to work out for me, though. as soon as i said it she said "that's kinda my feeling too" and i think we were both relieved. so it all depends on what happens monday, i guess.

she did tell me that her supervisor actually wrote a personal note to the OB about me and left it at his office, and she seemed really confused about the fact that i was told to 'go see him and good luck,' as apparently they are pushing for me, and haven't thrown me to the wolves. wtf?! it would seem communication is horrendously broken down between the three of us. but even so, sarah isn't hopeful about his response, so it probably changes nothing.

she prescribed me some serious iron pills for my anemia which i have thus far been unable to bring myself to ingest, as iron has historically freaked out my system (nausea, vomiting, constipation). i know i need to, but i'm just not up for feeling as bad as they make me feel. today she told me that she had a "flash" about me that was really strong, that i should take chlorophyll instead. so i just bought some online--chlorophyll, garlic pills, and a ginger/turmeric combo. apparently chlorophyll is at least as good as iron pills for upping hemoglobin and it has a lot of other happy benefits, like reducing the amount of dioxin in breast milk and making one odor-free (which i will need postpartum--ugh, the breastfeeding b.o. from hell!). allegedly it chelates heavy metals and other wild claims too, but the fact that it's green is good enough for me :). i'll probably start taking some spirulina too.

my concern with this lovely supplement is based on conflicting information. it seems to be an abundant source of vitamin K--which makes blood clot better--and yet is touted as a "blood thinner??" if the latter is true, great. if the former, i might need to be careful... but certainly they can't both be true unless it is a general blood 'tonic' which is a whole different ball game. i bought the garlic and ginger/turmeric for postpartum usage as they ARE blood thinners and i need to be ready to manage my potential for thrombosis right away... i guess i could just eat strong curry 3x a day, but i don't think matt would appreciate it very much, hehe. i also found this site where he says to drink three cups of yarrow (i grow my own!), nettles, and horsetail tea every day, so i'm going to try to do that to. worst case, i will be well-hydrated and have great hair!*

totally unrelated, did i mention i got stung by a scorpion IN MY KITCHEN last night?? holy crap that hurt more than i expected, but at least it was short lived. for about 8 minutes i thought my toe was going to balloon and explode, it was numb and on fire at the same time... and then it was gone. no more pain, no mark, nothing. really weird, and disturbing that he was in my house. it was a big one considering the runts we mostly have here in florida.

anyway. i'm feeling really good about things today, even with uncertainty still looming. it must be because i know what the outcomes will be either way... and the baby is vertex... and i'm ready to deal with whatever he wants me to purge re: rowan's birth. that post is coming soon, i think. gonna go take a bath and muse with birthing from within for a while.

*nettles and horsetail are fantastic supplements for hair growth, shine, and strength.

prenatal care resumes

2010-07-29T19:40:00.004-04:00

i have a home visit tomorrow, unexpectedly, which sort of amuses me. they're telling me left and right that i can't have a homebirth, but the midwife is going to see me at home. ??? at least i don't have to drive...

so i'm going to talk with her about what i'm thinking; i.e., thanks but no thanks, i just don't see it working out with the birth center for me. there are too many reasons they could (and will) say no at the last minute, and i don't want to deal with that. i am meeting with a new midwife on monday night whose reputation is a little less by-the-books, so if we click and she's ok with all my "complications," i'm going to release sarah from my obnoxious need for care. if it doesn't seem like a good situation, i'm going to continue my care with sarah and plan for an unassisted birth, just in case.

i've been considering the idea of contacting a midwifery student--one with a LOT of births under her belt--to see if there is any interest in being an alarm system, if you will. someone to yell "hey wait that's not normal" if something comes up that we might miss. my thoughts are that as long as one doesn't have a license to worry about losing, and knows she is just there as an advisor, there should be no risk whatsoever. and she might get the bonus of watching an unassisted birth, or even saving a life should the situation call for intervention. just an idea.

i'm anxious to know whether little mister is vertex yet or not. i've hesitated on doing the slant board just in case he DID turn (i think he might have) because i don't want to un-turn him by accident. i need to play music in my pelvis tonight though, since it can't hurt.

unrelated note-to-self: i am feeling a need to post about birth trauma. about the aftermath of unwanted surgical birth. this is coming from nowhere but the urge is really strong so i think it's time to reassess rowan's delivery one last time before i am fully ready to deal with the nameless baby's birth...

rowan update

2010-07-29T19:29:00.002-04:00

her ear infection HAD returned, and doc wanted her to take the rest of the antibiotics from before. he finally explained that it had been 'the wrong kind of rash' for an allergic reaction previously, so i said ok and he made me promise to watch her and call him right away if any rash or swelling showed up, and to give her the benadryl stuff right away. ugh. apparently the alternative antibiotic would make her already-bad diarrhea worse, and he didn't want to risk that.

that was monday, and she's been fine. no signs of a reaction, and seems to be getting less-cranky by the day, though let me tell you it's been rough. she's waking at 6am everyday (unusual for her), she hasn't been napping (also very unusual) and not only that she's been throwing these little kicking temper-tantrums over stupid things which she has NEVER done before. i think being sick really threw her off. even bedtime has been rough recently... she gets really mad about going in the crib (anytime) and i have to get her calmed down before i can walk away (but at least i can still walk away). today was the first day she's napped in at least a week. last night she was so tired at dinner--at 4pm, mind you--that she actually fell asleep with her face in her plate. it was hilarious and i should've got a photo of it.

incidentally, my mom is sick with some mystery disease. she's been feverish and having pain in her diaphragm for a few days plus headache, and last night a crazy rash broke out all over her... they thought it was west nile, of all things, but today at an unrelated dermatology appt the doc said no way in FL, and no idea what it is. she's going for blood work tomorrow i guess. but between the delicate preemie grandchild, me pregnant, and rowan under the weather, we are all desperately hoping whatever it is isn't contagious. that would make this the worst july ever, i think.

on breech presentation

2010-07-29T10:25:00.003-04:00

while i don't know for sure whether little mister is still breech or not, or what will happen with his birth, since i am doing all sorts of research on it i decided i should post my findings on vaginal breech birth for others who might stumble on this blog and need the info. i'm posting snippets of each piece just in case the links ever go dead (like they often do on gentlebirth.org, where i found most of this)!

ICAN says:

Morbidity and mortality for breech infants and mothers is most related to inclusion and exclusion criteria adhered to by the hospital for determining mode of delivery, the competence of the attending physician, and the expectation of the mother rather than the mode of delivery.
In general countries that perform more vaginal breech births have birth outcomes that are as good as or better than cesarean section outcomes. Countries that perform few vaginal breech births have birth outcomes that are worse than those for cesarean section births.
In many countries breech vaginal birth has higher morbidity and mortality risks for babies, but the risk is still relatively low.
Some of what has been typed as risk (e.g. low Apgar scores) is clearly not a long-term risk.
Much of what has been typed as risk can be ameliorated by proper screening for vaginal birth.
If you want to have a successful vaginal birth look for an old-time doctor or someone with a lot of experience with breech presentation.
If you have a macrosomic baby or a footling breech cesarean may be better for you.
To have a successful vaginal birth avoid induced or augmented labor and epidurals.
If you are going to have a cesarean, consider having a scheduled cesarean without trial of labor.
source: ICAN fact sheet

recommendations for attendants at a vaginal breech birth:

Having excluded the above complications, the "normal" woman who at term has a baby in a breech position which shows no inclination to turn can, I believe be born easily and spontaneously, if the labour proceeds spontaneously and easily. Just like a cephalic presentation (head down), if the labour progresses and all is well, the woman is supported and cared for, the baby will be born. There is one major difference. Where in a cephalic presentation, labour is incoordinate, or lacks progress, augmentation is occasionally justified. I do not believe that there is any place for induction or augmentation in a breech labour. If a breech labour does not progress, this woman's body is telling us something, and we should listen. There is no emergency, there is no rush, this labour just isn't progressing, and this baby should be delivered by caesarean operation.

I do not feel that there is any place for either trying to push breeches through pelvises with oxytocic drugs or pulling them through with actively managed breech extractions. I feel that this management is what has contributed to giving vaginal breech delivery poor outcomes and such a bad name. In my experience, if the labour does not progress well and spontaneously, the baby needs to be delivered by caesarean operation.
...
Many women during their labour will adopt a hands and knees position. I find that this is the best position for the mother, the baby and the midwife. Some practitioners ask the mother to stand in an upright position. I am concerned that the placenta may separate too quickly in this position. When the mother is on her hands and knees the uterus appears horizontal and tipped forward. It seems to me that if the woman is vertical there may be some traction on the cord/placenta from gravity just after the birth and in the absence of a contraction. I do not have any evidence to support this theory but I feel that until I have evidence to refute it, I should not encourage women to give birth to breeches in a vertical position. It also seems that women will bend forward and assume the all fours position if not directed by us. We need research to help us in this area.

There is also some evidence that when the woman is standing, the birth can be too swift and the placenta can separate too quickly; assisted too much by gravity, it can arrive almost on top of the baby's head. So, I prefer the all fours position.

Old midwifery text books show that when a woman is on her back for the delivery the attendants lift the baby up by the heels, over the mother's pubis; when she is on her hands and knees this movement happens by gravity.
source: keep your hands off the breech

breech elective caesarean vs. vaginal birth:

So, what of the woman who is fortunate enough to be well informed and who takes the very unusual decision to remain 'naturally active' and give birth to her breech presenting baby in a supported standing squat? How much respect is such an 'informed choice' likely to engender? How much genuinely interested co- operation is she likely to encounter?

The general reaction from the vast majority of our maternity health professionals is very sadly likely to be at best unhelpful and at worst downright threatening. It is an indictment of our maternity services that if she steadfastly refuses to make the 'right' choice she is likely to find herself trying to give birth alone, unassisted, unsupported, surrounded by birth attendants oozing fear, with a ready-and-waiting operating theatre down the hall, complete with surgeon, knife at the ready, waiting for the errant patient to come to her senses.

Despite all the evidence pointing to the relative safety of natural active breech birth a mother can't possibly be properly 'informed' if she makes such a choice, can she?
source: breech caesarean operation vs. normal birth

midwife's advice on risks and ways to help avoid them:

Trauma and injury to the baby as a result of:
* normal swelling and bruising of the baby's presenting parts during labor and delivery
* delivery techniques and manipulations during the birth process causing fractures of the skull, neck, humerus, clavicle and femur
* spinal cord injuries
* damage to internal organs if the baby is grasped incorrectly.
Asphyxia due to:
* prolonged compression of the umbilical cord during delivery
* actual prolapse of the cord
* aspiration of amniotic fluid caused by breathing before the head has been born
* prolonged or hard labor.
Cerebral hemorrhage due to compression and rapid decompression of the head at delivery.
There is an increased need for resuscitation of the newborn who birthed breech as opposed to head first.
These risks may be minimized by some of the following techniques:
*Early detection and assessment of labor.
*Close observation and monitoring throughout the labor process.
*Intact membranes if possible.
*Client cooperation in delaying pushing efforts until complete dilation is achieved.

[check out her breech homebirth consent form!]

techniques for breech birth from the gentlebirth.org archives:

"MANA Conference--Chicago--Oct '94. This was one of the topics for a small group lecture. There was a physician there (can't remember his name) who brought a video of twin home birth. Second baby was breech. He put mom in knee chest position. He felt that since we elevate the trunk and thighs of a breech, after they have delivered, to keep the head well flexed, that turning the mother to knee chest would naturally do the same thing. And then just let the baby dangle with minimum support for body weight, it will come perfectly. Made sense to me."

source: midwife archives

movie trailer: a breech in the system:

source: abreechinthesystem.com

i found references to a supposedly wonderful book, Breech Birth Woman-Wise, by Maggie Banks, but it's not in the library database so i can't read it at the moment.

"The medicalization of breech has generated a high rate of automatic c-sections with no choice given to the birthing woman. While many studies and statistics have been accumulated for observational evidence, when women have not been given choice and cesareans have been performed on them, these statistics become merely circumstantial evidence. Thus 'uncontrolled observations…do not answer what might have happened if a different form of care had been provided.' "

and that's about it for now. i hope to add more info/links as i find them, if i find them.

finally!

2010-07-27T08:55:00.002-04:00

two good things happened to me last night in my sleep.

the first was that i managed to combat a leg cramp so that it never fully materialized--sounds trivial but those are seriously the worst things ever. not being in excruciating pain was nice.

the second was that i had my first successful complete-birth dream. never had one with rowan, hadn't had one with this guy (or ever in my life, for that matter), but last night it was labor and delivery all the way. there was no pain, however, but i'm not surprised at that. i dreamed that i was on hands and knees and there was a woman with longish blonde hair and sterile gloves catching him. i find it interesting that there was a "helper" present.

i had just finished reading ina may's guide to childbirth and a bit that really stuck to me was this:

"...it is important to face each birth like a bull, with full force, no fear or hesitation, with the attitude that you can do this and you aren't going to hold back. this is your opportunity to feel your power as a woman, inhibitions not allowed." (p. 28)

i started to wonder if my "let it happen" attitude has been all wrong... my conviction that the most important thing is to not be in control, and to flow along on labor's currents, wherever they take me... so i imagined myself psychically charging in like a bull, grabbing birth with both hands and DOING IT instead of passively experiencing it, and it felt so much different than anything i have thought of before regarding birth. it was shortly after this that i dreamed of a full birth, no blackouts or mystery deliveries.

it makes sense to me that this may be the answer to my (typically unspoken) fears that rowan's birth will repeat itself. i was totally passive going into it, and i stayed that way throughout. sure, i fought for the prenatal care i wanted and/or didn't want, and i had tons of opinions about what was supposed to happen or i didn't want to happen, but my deepest attitudes were those of complacency, and in the end i submitted to everyone who told me to do something i didn't want. maybe this time, after all the fighting i am having to do for my homebirth, i really do need a new perspective on birth. why not be assertive, even aggressive about the whole thing, if only internally? as the lightbulb turned on of its own accord in a moment of realization--and lead to an emotionally-productive dream--i'm going with it. i don't think inspiration should be disregarded.

*roar*

a response

2010-07-27T08:27:00.002-04:00

i got an email back from the person in charge of the midwives' practice (regarding my desire to petition for a homebirth), and her progressive, stand-up-for-women's-rights answer was, paraphrased:

we can ask doc OB and see what he says. does that work for you? by the way he'll be much more likely to approve you for a birth center birth like last time.

sigh. i had hoped for her to push him for me, which apparently she isn't getting. i told her, MANY times now, that i am not having a baby anywhere but my house unless lives are in imminent danger. but she keeps on anyway...

here i am again, wondering if--with my iron and possible breech issues--it's even worth bothering about. the longer we go the more i think i'm better off doing it without them.

diaper rash and other troubles

2010-07-26T08:25:00.005-04:00

this has been a really crappy month! i didn't post anything about it, but a few weeks ago rowan had a horrifying diaper rash complete with tiny little open wounds, which of course woke her screaming in pain the first morning such that all i could do was plop her in the bath and try to calm her poor little hysteria. that went on for about two days, thanks to some disgustingly awful diarrhea, which i later chalked up to a rotavirus she must have picked up at the river (they say these things are endemic to the waterways, and there were a ton of kids all in the same play area). anyway, it passed and she was fine with no other symptoms.

then the runny nose for two days, which lead to the ear infection. you already know about that fiasco.

she's also teething on at least two canines which i know are bothering her intermittently, despite her tough constitution. she teethes well, but these are different. the problem is, i can't tell if she is uncomfortable because her teeth hurt or because her ear is hurting again--ear pulling is a normal teething sign, too. same with the tummy stuff.

now, the diarrhea has returned along with its lovely companion, Miss Sore Bloody Bum. it's AWFUL! she was miserable all day yesterday, and i'm starting to think it might be yeast-rash because of what i read on the internets (and because her usual diaper rash episodes are so mild and clearly different). she did just take heavy-duty antibiotics, and yeast overgrowth is a likely possibility. her appetite is great, so i don't think it's a virus or anything. i've been working on a baby bum balm for twink recently, so i whipped up a final version yesterday since her zinc cream wasn't doing crap and seemed maybe to be unpleasant for her... used it last night before bed (then poop issues, bath, balm, and bed again). i also cut out her milk for now and gave her a bath in oats, calendula, and yarrow last night. her butt is about 80% better today! i'm sure it's a combination of everything, but the stuff i made definitely had an impact. i'm just glad she seems to be in less pain...

but this ear thing concerns me. so i'm taking her back to the doc today to make sure the infection didn't return... i don't really want to, but i think it's a smart idea. the other trouble is that my cousin's kid is freaking sick now, here breathing on all our stuff, rubbing his snotty nose and touching things. UGH! so i'm sure we'll have a sneezy, sniffly little crankypants girl in a few days. she resisted my cold but something tells me she won't be so lucky this time. damn me for not having any hand sanitizer in the house!! (never thought i'd say that.)

off-topic, farm stuff

2010-07-25T10:37:00.005-04:00

it seems that we will be the caretakers of a highly-productive little milk heifer very shortly! my sister says it's too much for them to deal with milking her twice a day (i can't imagine why, with their now 9-month old preemie and both having jobs), so she asked if we want her before they sell her... DUH!

to those of you who were interested in the milk thing... know that we will be getting between 2-3 gallons per day... and that's all i am going to say out of respect for the incredibly harsh and archaic laws regarding unpasteurized dairy products in this state/country.

webster technique

2010-07-23T21:32:00.003-04:00

ok, so i decided to take a look and make sure there are no risks to the webster technique for turning breech babies, now that i have had two chiropractic adjustments which included it...

and i'm kind of disturbed at what i found. not that there are any risks or dangers to speak of, but rather that chiropractors are talking crap about it and saying what a quack method it is. i've only seen one highly-questionable study referenced over and over again. and if the dude talking about the certification process isn't lying, that's just... *splutter*

google it, if you care, but don't hit enter--watch what options for auto-fill come up and pick one of the negative ones (because there will be negative ones). there's enough out there to make anyone skeptical.

so whatever. i'm going to the chiro anyway for my weird leg/butt-twinges and tight shoulders, and it can't possibly hurt anything for him to massage that spot on my abdomen (he always makes sure the baby isn't in the way) for 15 seconds. but i feel really annoyed that the APA, my midwife, and millions of other people buy into these magical techniques without looking into them--just like i did! gullible, much? i guess pregnant women are just SO DESPERATE to turn their babies that they will try anything. *sigh* i will, if it comes down to it.

next stop: handstands in the pool (thank you, karen)...

belly pic, 29? weeks

2010-07-23T20:46:00.001-04:00

i think i give up.

2010-07-20T20:03:00.002-04:00

midwife called me about my blood test last week - see #4 below.

let me list all the checks i have against my having a successful homebirth with a licensed midwife:
1) distance >30min from hospital
2) factor V leiden blood thing; probably not an issue? depends on word of god, i.e., OB's decision.
3) currently breech baby
4) anemia (iron level=10.9, law says 11.0 or forget it)

so... i think i quit. fuck it. i'll just do it myself, know when to call 911, and hope for the best. i am so sick of fucking technicalities getting in the way of what I KNOW is right. it happened last time, and i let it, but it is not going to happen again.

i find myself in the ace of wands of my tarot year, moving into the four of wands next week. apparently the ace has had nothing to do with the birth situation (except maybe that i am truly mentally embarking on preparation for unassisted birth) and was all about getting back into twink with energy. but this four, he's different. i see birth issues here, and i can only hope in a good way. the link above talks about rites of passage and homecoming and preparation for celebrations... "openings and gateways" and "solidifying the creative process." these things speak to me of getting ready for birth in a positive light, not stressing and worrying about when or how or whom. i can hope.*

one could argue that these things against me (#1-4 above) are the universe telling me what not to do, but i disagree... i am getting a clear message from baby and universe that we need to have a homebirth and all this other shit is just noise clogging the airways. testing my resolve, even. i could have a natural birth at the birth center, but i have an innate sense that that's just not right. so whatever... we may be on our own here, baby. i hope you're ready.

*this baby will be born solidly in libra, when i am, quite unsurprisingly, living the two of swords. that link is the nicest version of that card i have EVER seen--this is my deck, and the typical interpretation. i have a deep conflict to look forward to, i can only hope it is between family members concerned about me, and not between matt and i disagreeing about the birth. or between me and the baby on some spiritual level. the bits about an inability to act really freak me out.

rowan is more sick.

2010-07-19T19:48:00.006-04:00

written yesterday:
last night and this morning, we noticed some weird blotchiness on her face. today, her face looked puffy. i got concerned, and lo and behold she's most likely having an allergic reaction to the bloody antibiotics.

called the doc, he said stop giving it to her, pick up a scrip for benadryl, and come see him tomorrow. great. wonderful. as if i needed another ounce of stress this week! i feel really overwhelmed and shitty on top of being sick and worrying about her and everything else. and my mother in law is still here (which isn't a problem per se, i just feel like i can't cry with her around or she will get all worried).

sigh.

today's update:
omfg, my cousin's kid is killing me today. i'd love to say it's just my own stress, but no, he's really being difficult. and rowan's doc didn't want to hear about allergies or reactions... despite facial swelling and weird little hive/rashes, the drug he gave is the "safest" antibiotic and there's no way she's allergic. and the diarrhea she's had can't be a side effect, it must be that she also has a stomach bug. WTF?? the rx pamphlet laid out how diarrhea can be a side effect. and exactly what to look for with allergic reactions. i'm frustrated, but at least he said she doesn't need to take it anymore since her ear looks great. (which sort of also confuses me b/c i thought abx had to be taken for the full course in order to be effective...?) whatever. she's off the meds and seems to be doing better so far. next time somebody wants to give her penicillin or the like i will just have to warn them and watch really closely how she reacts.

i really need a few days of peace and quiet. i *hope* to be going to the chiro tomorrow for a much-needed adjustment and a trial of the webster technique to see if this baby will turn himself...

and as i STILL have not heard back regarding my attempts to win myself a homebirth with my existing midwife, i wrote a pleading/demanding letter last night asking to at least know is my request is being considered. no response yet. i'm starting to get really pissed off. this is no small matter!

in other news, been reading about perineal protection on the gentlebirth.org archives. it's silly but that concerns me as much as anything else for this birth... my scar is really big and really deep, and i worry about it just ripping wide open b/c the tissue won't stretch. the problem is, there are conflicting studies on perineal massage, but i'm not sure how well they apply when there is already scar tissue. i guess i need to just start using some comfrey salve on there and work on stretching it without over-rubbing the muscles. it's impossible to know whether i would even have torn (or how badly) with rowan, since i was sliced and shredded and not given the chance to tear. sigh.

so many sighs lately. i've come to the conclusion that i am moderately depressed and completely bottling it up because thus far i haven't had time or opportunity to let it out. kid is here during the day and if i wait till he leaves, matt comes home and he will just get too worried and stress himself out if he sees me break down right now. and of course matt's mom has been in-and-out for the last two weeks, not to mention his dad's surprise visit. i just haven't had long enough a break to even cry...

smaller concerns

2010-07-19T14:08:00.002-04:00

so while i am in the main concerned with either:
1) finding a midwife who is willing to attend me
or
2) preparing myself utterly for a 'freebirth' assisted by good samaritans* only

i am also thinking about the smaller things that worry me, like what about my horribly scarred perineum? should i be doing anything to get it ready? who can tell me this if i have no midwife? tearing badly over scar tissue is the last thing i need to be concerned with right now...

i'm thinking about this baby being breech. i'm thinking that i should be having aquanatal sessions. i'm wondering when and what to get for the homebirth in terms of supplies.

i know these things can be gleaned on the internets but i like to talk about them face-to-face. i'm feeling a lack of womanly care that i have become accustomed to... i think that is the root of it. it's not a doctor-figure i lack, it's a wiser, older woman to chat with me about pregnancy. someone who really knows what she is talking about from seeing 100s of births first-hand.

i realize more and more that i really have no desire for a midwife to attend me during birth, but i feel like i need it beforehand, for some reason. i've had zero response to the emails i have sent both to my old midwife's practice and another one. i did get a response from a third but i am not ready to call her yet, as i have no relationship with her and don't want to start a new one unless i have to.

so that's what i'm thinking about lately...

and i had a dream about little mister last night. he wasn't "born," as none of my dreams seem to allow that to happen, but he came out of a bloody little wrapped package of uterus and nursed like a fiend. he had dark hair, which i expect, but i didn't see his eye color. he was little.

*now, WHY doesn't that apply if i call a midwife at the last minute during a birth emergency? if she is acting gratuitously and outside of a patient-practitioner relationship, what is the problem?!

rowan really IS sick

2010-07-18T21:37:00.004-04:00

the doctor visit was horrific, by no fault of his. rowan was acting pretty weird all that day, so when we got to the appointment at 3pm she was basically just sitting on my lap, and even drifting off on me (which she NEVER does, little miss busybody). we waited for a while, then when the nurse came in to check her out her temp was 104.2!!! so everybody freaked. i freaked but tried really hard to stay calm, the nurse didn't even try, and the doc came in immediately to calculate her dosage of acetaminophen to bring the fever down. waiting for them to come back with the meds was really scary, especially since rowan was just laying in my arms falling in and out of sleep...

note that she has never, ever had a fever and the worst illness she's ever had was a cold. i didn't know what to think about this, but i was terrified it would be meningitis or something. really f*cking scary.

so nurse comes back with some red liquid in a tube and gave it to me, then left. i woke rowan up to see if she would take it nicely, and she had a taste, then 3 seconds later starts projectile vomiting on me, in my mouth, down my shirt, all over herself and the room, uncontrollably and violently. i just broke down in hysterics, trying to get her over to the medical table/bed thing, and i'm crying and crying because i can't do anything to help her and i can barely speak to call for help, and she just keeps vomiting more and more (far more than any baby should be able to contain in a small body). it was possibly the scariest situation i have ever been in for that 2 minutes. i am not normally the type to freak out and lose my composure even in really intense situations, but this was beyond me. the nurse was not calm, either, but the doctor kept saying "it's good, it's good, she will feel better" ...and poor little rowan seemed perfectly ok after she threw up--not a tear--despite the fever continuing to climb.

poor baby, because she couldn't take the meds orally they then had to go with 1 and a half suppositories, which was hard to watch... after a while of letting the meds bring her temp down, the doctor came in (he was great), took one look in her right ear and said "oh my god" ...apparently she had a "terrible" ear infection!??! he said he could not imagine how she'd been able to sleep with it. the kid never pulled at her ears or complained once. she was barely even whiny on the day i took her to the doctor's, with 104 fever! he said they can get ear infections just from having a runny nose for a day or so, which she did have earlier this week. (thanks to daddy bringing it home; and now i have it.)

finally they gave her a shot of antibiotics in each thigh--her first shots ever, and the nurse said 'they kind of hurt'--while i had to hold her down. that was really, really awful part 2. she cried a lot for the shots, and whined over her hurt feelings for the next 10 minutes or so, which made me feel so guilty even though i know she needed it. after that, back to sleep on my belly and they sent us home with a 10-day antibiotic and some fever reducing goo (with suppository backup that i thankfully have not needed to use).

all in all it ended well, and she is definitely getting better though still a bit out of it, but wow that was a bad day for both of us. we were at the doc's for 3.5 hours or something crazy. and still she took it all like a champ and only really complained over the shots, which is totally understandable for a one year old.

she's a tough little girl even if she does love shoes and dresses and hair bows...

and rowan is sick.

2010-07-16T12:28:00.003-04:00

she felt hot yesterday, armpit temp said 100.7. today i took it rectally and yikes, it's 102.2. she's not into eating. she vomited in the kitchen earlier. she seems a little weird and slightly cranky (though she's honestly never cranky, even when she is). her eyes look sick, if that makes any sense. i have a suspicion that she has a headache, but of course i can't verify that.

i'm taking her to the doctor this afternoon, a new pediatrician local to us. (side note: his experience is wild, having spent 11 years in iran treating pediatric war victims and counseling PTSD... he's worked in other countries as well. i am highly impressed.) i am sort of feeling that she might have roseola, because i think i saw a little rash-like deal on her back this morning, but i thought nothing of it at the time. now she's napping and i can't check it out, but that's my hunch. no idea where she could've got it, except that we played at this water park type-thing last week and there were a ton of kids...

did i ever mention she is walking???? started last week or so, after seeing her little cousin do it. yay! :)

by the way, did i mention?

2010-07-15T10:53:00.004-04:00

little mister is totally, completely breech here at 28 weeks. like head at my bellybutton breech.

luckily i planned to visit the chiropractor anyway (for my presumably misaligned back and pelvis), so now i just have to find someone who takes medicaid AND is trained in the webster technique. and i ought to do some breech-turning manuevers if i ever get a moment. they say 25% of babies are breech until 32 weeks, after which is drops to more like 4%, so i guess i have a month to hope. but as a friend said to me the other day, my luck with regards to avoiding slim percentages so far has been shitty! rh-, clotting factor, nuchal cord, bilobed placenta, velamentous insertion of cord, etc...

as if i needed one more thing to worry about with this birth. the funny thing is, other than the breech situation--which will likely change on its own--i am otherwise without anxiety despite plenty of reasons to freak out. it's like i just don't care, but that's not it. i don't know if it's denial of problems or total acceptance of whatever happens, but i'm not ruffled right now. whatever happens, happens; and i know what won't happen: c-section. everything else is fair game, i guess. i really need to sit down and think hard about unassisted birth to find out if i am honestly ok with any/all outcomes.

p o o p

2010-07-15T10:44:00.005-04:00

so during her nap this morning, rowan removed her diaper COMPLETELY and got her hands all up in some blueberry poo. which of course meant it was also on her clothes, her sheets, and her crib bumper... i really, really hope this isn't the start of a new habit, because i can't deal with washing her entire bed AND giving her a bath every morning!!

i'm thinking that it's time for some potty training though. if she hates it enough to take the damn thing off when it's soiled, she shouldn't be wearing a diaper... the only problem is that she really only poops when she's asleep, so i'm not sure how i will teach her to use the potty??

after that fiasco (and i am watching the 8 year old today too, mind you), we went outside to tend the animals and found one of our dogs in her crate totally covered in nasty dog diarrhea. *sigh* i let her out and the first thing she did was shake wet dog crap all over me. in my eye, even. really nice. so i had to hose her and her cage off and then come back inside to wash out rowan's blueberry CLOTH diaper before i had the luxury of bathing the stinky, gross dog poo off of myself.

if there isn't something in my horoscope today about shit, i might just give up on astrology. i hope this is the end of it...

update:
ok, i have never heard of this before but apparently dog shit in the eyes can be a serious problem if there are round worm eggs in it... ocular larva migrans or something and it can cause blindness?? wtf? of course i googled "dog poop in eyes" and got some ridiculous yahoo answers, but shockingly few (ONE) people asking the question. now i'm paranoid and washing my eye with sea salt because it has felt weird ever since. maybe i should go have that cry i've been needing...

and now for my commentary on the last post

2010-07-14T13:08:00.004-04:00

i couldn't address the issue yesterday because i was feeling SO shocked, betrayed, and furious... after everything they did to push me back into their care, to turn around and say "oh, nevermind, no homebirth for you" at 28 goddamn weeks; it was just too much. and that's alll i'm going to say. i do have a business relationship with them which i need to keep pleasant...

today i am calmer. still pissed, but calm. and thanks to lovely loren, i now have some ammo to fight back against this bullshit i am being told. email sent to the appropriate person:

I was happy to hear that Dr. B can review my records (rather than having me come in) for the consultation, but I was reading Florida’s chapter on midwifery law, and it clearly states:

When a client has a risk score of 3 or higher and has previously had a physician consultation for the identical risk factors in a prior pregnancy with no current changes in health or risk factors another consultation is not required. (64B24-7.004 Risk Assessment.)

However, since we are going ahead with the consultation anyway, I would like to formally request that I also be “consulted” about regarding the added 3 risk points for being >30 minutes from the hospital. As above, the law states:

If the risk factor score reaches 3 points the midwife shall consult with a physician who has obstetrical hospital privileges and if there is a joint determination that the patient can be expected to have a normal pregnancy, labor and delivery the midwife may provide services to the patient. (64B24-7.004 Risk Assessment.)

…so what I understand from that is that it IS within the laws to have a homebirth >30 minutes from the hospital provided an obstetrician signs off on it. Am I wrong?

I would apologize for being a pain in the butt about this, but honestly I feel that if I don’t fight for it I am going to be ignored. I will not be birthing at the Birth Center, at someone else’s home, or at a hospital (sans true emergency), and I would really, really like for Sarah to continue to be my midwife. I hope you will consider the laws again and do what you can to help me have the homebirth I desire.

Here is a link to the Florida Administrative Code: https://www.flrules.org/gateway/ChapterHome.asp?Chapter=64B24-7

save that link in case you ever need it. don't let anybody push you around!!

28 weeks and midwife says...

2010-07-13T18:10:00.002-04:00

"i can't do your homebirth because you live too far away. my hands are tied."

iron issues

2010-07-09T13:06:00.004-04:00

there was an update, i forgot. when sarah took my blood at 20 or so weeks, my iron was borderline (which i am sure i mentioned). i had already been eating red meat at that point though, and i cook exclusively with cast iron, so i was kinda surprised. now i have another blood test this tuesday and i am pretty worried that my iron might have dropped... with rowan, i was anemic the entire time i was pregnant, so it's not unlikely.

but i have a plan. starting today i am guzzling nettle tea, i'm taking my herbal iron 2x a day with vitamin c, drinking oj and/or pineapple juice, and i plan to eat a big steak monday night along with as many dark leafy greens as i can fit on my plate. no coffee tuesday morning, either. if these things don't boost my iron so i 'pass the test' then nothing will (though midwives in the uk seem to recommend a pint of guinness every day for iron...hmm...). yes, my homebirth hinges on something so stupid as this.

(i understand the risk of low iron is for postpartum hemorrhage consequences, however, i have a BLOOD CLOTTING FACTOR that makes it highly unlikely i would bleed out anyway!)

the only reason i am even doing this blood test is for the rh sensitization test, because i want to be sure it is safe to refuse rhogam this time around. of course i'm not doing the glucose test either, but that's another thing and covered elsewhere.

trying to think strong, red, metallic thoughts because this is all making me a tad bit anxious. if anybody has ideas for fast iron boosting (i've googled it in 10 different ways) please let me know!

pregnancy update

2010-07-09T09:39:00.004-04:00

there isn't a whole lot to update here, honestly. i've been so busy with matt's mom here last week, then his dad showing up out of nowhere (the DAY his mom left, lol), and i'm officially back on with twink so i've been planning and making products in every spare moment. and of course all the cooking :). i guess i have a creative bug lately...?

little mister no-name is kicking me a l l t h e t i m e ! i've gained some weight, finally, and i'm getting the 3rd trimester fatigues, but other than that i feel normal. still.

oh and two days ago rowan decided she could walk! we'd been playing a game with her to get her to take a few steps before crashing into arms waiting for a hug, and the next day she saw her little cousin walking (he's about 20ish months) and that night she walked by herself intentionally. i guess she was impressed with his skills and wanted to be like him :). it's so cute though, she's really taken off and seems to have no fear about it.

she seems to be getting really smart, too. i'm sure every parent thinks so, but she really does understand everything i say to her even though for the most part she doesn't talk back intelligibly. i'm really trying to enjoy these last few months alone with her before the baby comes...

no progress yet on the modified bedroom, but it needs to happen soon. i'm feeling braxton-hicks all the time so i know he's in there getting ready, and frankly my belly is huge for not-quite 6.5 months. matt has been so busy on a side-job he's doing that he hasn't had time to do the major parts (which of course have to come first) and i don't want to risk ruining the walls by putting an anchor screw in the wrong spot! blah.

so... nothing too exciting but life is certainly not dull. oh and i actually have a tan?! rofl. first time in about 10 years.

adventures in raw milk, part 1

2010-07-09T08:54:00.003-04:00

(i say "part 1" because i am positive this is not nearly over... *edit: updates and more culinary exploits will be posted on the farm blog*)

so i'm not sure if i ever mentioned it, but my sister bought a cow about 2 years ago, which we have a share in. she has since had a baby, and the baby had a baby, and she's probably pregnant again. the point is, we are currently getting a massive jug of fresh milk at least once a week... glorious stuff with on average 1-3 cups of thick, fluffy cream on top! so i've been challenged to use it in interesting ways since there is no chance of us drinking as much milk as we get (and matt swears it is too "salty" for his cereal; whatever).

first project was just separating the cream to use it in my coffee--easy, and so freaking good.

project #2 - homemade fresh-cream ice cream. i actually had some fresh vanilla beans too, so i scored bigtime and decided to do a straight vanilla. 2c cream, 1c milk, 3/4c sugar (wish i'd had raw), 2 vanilla beans, and WOW that was some good sh*t. matt's mom ate half the container :)

project #3 - yogurt. i used half a container of "fage" greek yogurt to start it, because i didn't have any culture lying around, but it turned out really well. and i made it in the slow cooker which i was very excited to do, since yogurt instructions usually require a heating pad or something else i don't have. 1qt milk, cooked on low for 2.5hrs, unplugged for another 3h, then mix in the yogurt and leave it alone overnight or longer. it's not sweetened but that's easy enough to do with each serving.

project #4 - frozen yogurt. since we ate all the ice cream, i needed another sweet treat... and what was i going to do with so much yogurt, anyway?? i mixed about 3c yogurt with 2/3c sugar and a bit of vanilla extract in the ice cream maker, and added 2T dry milk as i was afraid of it being too tangy since i intended to make it pineapple *drool*... threw in the pineapple bits when it started to congeal, then popped it in the freezer to let it set. i daresay it's even tastier than the ice cream!

project #5 - yogurt bread pudding. 3 words: best breakfast ever. had a rock-hard loaf of artisan wheat bread that i couldn't bear to feed to the chickens, so i cut it up and soaked it overnight in 1c yogurt, 2/3c brown sugar, 2 eggs (homegrown), 2T melted butter, some raisins and walnuts plus vanilla, cardamom, and cinnamon... baked this morning for about 40min and it's so, so yummy.

project #6 - milk sourdough. yep. we had a jug of milk going a bit sour so i decided a good way to utilize that would be to make it work on some flour :). equal parts souring milk to flour and i had an active starter with like 5 hours (as opposed to 3 days with water). plus, theoretically it will have more probiotics thanks to the milk bacteria. right now i am proofing a sponge and we'll see how the bread turns out later.

project #7 - simple curd cheese. again with the souring milk situation; duh, let's make cheese! i started this last night but it never separated for some reason, so i changed course and threw in some yogurt culture and let it sit, then this morning decided to run with it and added rennet. this is a totally improved dance, so i'm not sure how it will turn out, but worst case is i've got some more yogurt that may or may not solidify into cheesable curds.

and that's where i'm at now. as soon as my citric acid (previously ordered) arrives i will be trying my hand at mozarella, but for now i'm fine with what i've got going. all of these things could be done with store-bought milk (though i would hesitate a lot on the sourdough) but it's somehow just not as much fun. i plan to save a bunch for new batches of soap too... nothing like milk soap for soft skin...